Chapter Text
It doesn’t happen very often anymore. Chan slipping into his room in the early morning hours, reaching for him after a concert or catching his eyes when he’s drunk and the desperation shines through. It’s not often, and Hyunjin tells himself that’s good. That if it’s not as regular a thing anymore, then his own few slip-ups are more okay. Of course he falters on occasion. How could he not when things are as they are.
Felix is sitting next to him on the couch, wearing a baby blue hoodie and loose fitting shorts, running a hand through his unwashed hair while scrolling on his phone. Hyunjin doesn’t look at his exposed thigh where he’s got one leg pulled up to his chest and the other on the floor. He doesn’t look at how the blonde strands fall back down against the smooth line of his neck with a feathery lightness. He definitely doesn’t look at the way Felix subconsciously pushes his tongue into his cheek as he focuses on his screen. Hyunjin has had a lot of practice not looking at things that will hurt him.
Then Felix smiles, the expression spreading from something small to a teasing grin as he looks up, unsurprised to find Hyunjin’s eyes already on him. They usually are.
”Why do you and Channie-hyung keep writing so much porn?” he asks, and Hyunjin’s face makes a grimace he doesn’t consent to, too taken aback with the sudden question to stop it.
But it makes Felix laugh and he feels a flush crawling onto his cheeks, quickly schooling his features into disapproval of Felix’s claim.
”I’m sorry, I mean art , of course,” Felix corrects himself with a very pointed voice, but the grin won’t leave his face and the teasing still sparkles in his eyes. He’s so beautiful. ”No, but seriously, what’s your deal?”
”If you think Escape is porn I really need to set you up with some better websites,” Hyunjin tells him, going for concerned but he can’t entirely keep from smiling.
A couple years ago, Felix would have flushed pink and made a squeaky noise and it would have been innocent and adorable. Present day Felix raises an amused eyebrow and sends him a dirty look that hits him so hard he almost chokes, and Hyunjin wildly wishes Felix would still be blissfully unaware of sex.
” Hold on to my hands, headed for the climax ?” Felix quotes in disbelief from his phone screen, and Hyunjin reaches forward to see what he’s watching, mostly an excuse not to meet his eyes right now. Some Stay TikTok dissecting the song into sexual pieces.
”Chan wrote that,” Hyunjin immediately deflects, feeling a strange mix of embarrassed and heartbroken as he inhales the scent of Felix’s cologne before he reluctantly pulls back.
”Sure he did,” Felix teases, shifting around so that he faces Hyunjin, tucking a leg underneath him and resting an arm on the back of the couch. “I suppose you were the one to tell him to tone it down?”
“Of course,” Hyunjin reassures, smiling a little as he tries to play along and not let all of his feelings tumble out and destroy everything. “I’m a pure, innocent soul.”
Felix scoffs and rolls his eyes, tilting his head a little to pick at his lips with his fingers, still smiling. “That’s a good one, tell me another.”
“Oh shut up,” Hyunjin tells him, reaching for a pillow to smack him with, and Felix dodges and laughs, dropping his phone on the couch cushion as he tries to protect his face. “You’re no better.”
He regrets the words immediately as they leave his mouth, and he wants to grasp them from the air and swallow them back down to that dark part of his heart where they live. He’s not supposed to let them out.
Because Felix’s tiny shrug and knowing smile makes Hyunjin want to find every single person that ever touched him and tear them into bloody shreds with his bare hands.
“I’m just surprised it’s you and Chan,” Felix muses on, like Hyunjin’s not trying to breathe through a fit of rage strong enough to blind him. “I mean, I remember Red Lights, of course , but I didn’t think you’d keep it up.”
Hyunjin glances down at his phone for a moment to gather strength before looking up at the boy he loves, determined to be normal about this and not spill an ounce of the truth.
“I guess it’s just our thing?” he offers with a shrug, attempting a teasing smile but it comes out a little awkward, and Felix raises his eyebrows, gorgeous dark eyes widening.
“Your thing ?” he repeats, emphasizing the word in a way Hyunjin definitely didn’t mean it, and he opens his mouth to protest before Felix goes on. “Oh my god, are you sleeping with Chan?”
He might as well have poured a bucket of ice water over Hyunjin’s head. The shock of the words spoken out loud numbs him, his veins freezing and his heart can’t seem to beat.
“Felix!” he finally gets out, an indignant shout, and Felix doubles over laughing, but Hyunjin can’t hear the sound over the buzzing of panic in his ears before he processes that Felix was joking.
“Oh you should have seen your face!” Felix gasps out, tears in his eyes that he wipes away with his sweater paw, cheeks blushing with amusement and he’s so gorgeous. He leans forward to place a comforting hand on Hyunjin’s thigh, rubbing it a little as he slowly stops laughing. “I’m sorry, I just had to. I obviously know you’re not sleeping with Chan.”
“Jesus,” Hyunjin sighs, pointedly pressing a hand to his chest as he shakes his head slowly to push down the last of the panic. “You’re insane, I would never!”
But that’s a lie. And it’s all Felix’s fault.
He makes it until about an hour after Felix heads back to his own dorm to go to bed, trying to convince himself he’ll be fine. It’s no problem, he deals with things like this every day. He’s an adult who’s had a desperate crush on one of his best friends for somewhere around 6 years and he’s not going to do something stupid today of all days.
But he finds himself restless, his skin crawling and his muscles quivering, and he can’t focus on anything. He tries to sit down and draw to get rid of all this tension, Felix’s question playing on repeat in his head, but eventually he gets so frustrated he rips the paper filled with black chaos from the pad and tears it into tiny pieces.
“Oh my god, are you sleeping with Chan?”
He drops the messy pieces on the table, his fingers stained with 4B graphite and his body still crawling. He leans his face in his hands, pushing his fingers into his short hair and tugging at whatever length there is, the slight pain making him feel a little more grounded.
He knows what he needs to do, but he’s not too keen on indulging it. It’s been almost six months and he thought he was okay these days.
Hyunjin stares blindly at the pieces of paper, digging his fingernails into his scalp. Sees Felix’s dirty look before his inner eye. The way he shrugged and smiled when Hyunjin accused him of not being innocent either. Allows himself to wonder again. Who got to touch Felix, how and how much. When.
He draws a deep breath and abruptly stands up, grasping for his phone and texts Changbin he’ll be back late before grasping his keys and leaving.
Jeongin lets him in with a sleepy look and a very skeptical raised eyebrow. Under normal circumstances, Hyunjin would tease him about the way his hair looks like he fell asleep against a bus window, or maybe apologize for waking him. But things are not normal.
“Hey,” Hyunjin says, finding it hard to speak over the bubbling anxiety in his chest, and Jeongin clearly picks up on something not being right, frowning a little. “Chan back yet?”
“Yeah?” Jeongin confirms, but the intonation is a question as he nods into the apartment. Asking if everything’s okay. “Showering. Something wrong?”
Hyunjin forces a smile but it’s clearly not convincing so he gives up on lying, settling for vagueness. “I… I just gotta talk to him about something.”
Jeongin steps aside to let him in, but there’s a flash of genuine worry in his eyes, so Hyunjin takes a deep breath and swallows down some of the bile in his throat to offer a faint, genuine smile.
“There’s nothing earthshattering, I just need to talk to him,” he reassures as he kicks off his shoes. “Don’t worry.”
Jeongin eyes him for a moment but then wets his lips and nods, seeming to accept it. “Okay. Hope he can help you.”
Hyunjin does too.
“Kinda good you came anyway, I fell asleep on the couch,” Jeongin admits, turning to head back towards his room with a yawn. “I’m off to bed.”
“Goodnight,” Hyunjin calls after him, feeling a little more normal already. This isn’t earthshattering after all. At least it shouldn’t be.
But as soon as he lets himself into Chan’s room to wait, the restlessness crawls back from where he repressed it, seeping into his veins and causing his hands to shake and his legs to pace. Chan’s room is dark, only illuminated by the faint yellow glow from the city outside, and it feels somehow soothing, like a bright light might physically hurt him.
Hyunjin’s so wound up that when the doorhandle clicks, he jumps.
So does Chan when he looks up and sees him, almost dropping the towel he’s still drying his hair with, his eyes widening before he registers who it is standing in his room.
“Jinnie?” he asks, a confused frown on his face as he comes inside, closing the door carefully behind him. He’s only wearing sweatpants and he smells like safety and depravity at the same time.
Hyunjin steps forward, and he sees the realization dawn in Chan’s face with every step he takes, until his eyes are dark and his expression serious.
The towel drops to the floor as Hyunjin reaches out and Chan draws him in, pulling him close to his chest and wrapping strong arms around him. Hyunjin draws a long, shaky breath, fingertips digging into Chan’s bare shoulderblades hard enough to hurt, but Chan doesn’t stop him. He just holds him tight and breathes calmly into his hair, silently reminding him that he’s okay, things will be okay.
Until Hyunjin’s breathed in enough of Chan’s shower products, had enough warmth seep into his stiff body and his fingers don’t have to clutch like Chan is his only lifeline.
“What happened?” Chan asks, a soft mumble against the shell of his ear, and Hyunjin draws another deep breath.
“Need you,” he says instead of answering, just a rough whisper, and Chan squeezes him tighter for a moment, a millisecond of tension in his body like he considers rejecting him. But he never does.
“Yeah,” he agrees, slowly letting his hands wander lower, settling on Hyunjin’s waist over his T-shirt. “Okay.”
They just stand there for a moment, Chan’s strong hands holding onto Hyunjin firmly and Hyunjin clinging less desperately to him. A moment to think about what they’re doing, again.
Then Hyunjin can’t bear it anymore, and he turns his head to press a soft kiss just under Chan’s ear, causing a shaky sigh to leave Chan’s parted lips, the breath stirring Hyunjin’s hair.
Chan’s fingers tighten around his waist and Hyunjin’s lips trail lower, parting them to make his kisses wetter, letting his desperation out on Chan. He knows exactly what he likes by now, knows how easy he is to rile up when you push the right buttons. He bites gently at the muscle of his shoulder and Chan hisses, raking his hands down to Hyunjin’s hips where he grabs him and pushes back.
Hyunjin might be strong, but so is Chan, and he’s helpless to do anything but follow as Chan backs him up against the bed and practically throws him onto it. He used to be more careful, worried about hurting Hyunjin, but that was a long time ago now. Chan knows better than to be sweet with him.
Instead, he crawls on top of him, caging him in with elbows on either side of his torso as his mouth drops to Hyunjin’s neck, offering a bite that’s just on the verge of too hard.
Hyunjin gasps and tilts his head back to offer him more skin while Chan’s thigh slots in between his legs, holding himself up in order not to crush all his weight on top of him. Even if Hyunjin would like that.
He’s growing hard rapidly, all the frustration in his body gathering in his groin and he lets a low moan slip as Chan shifts, firm muscle rubbing against his crotch.
“He started asking about our songs,” Hyunjin says, voice low and breathy, and Chan pulls back, looking down at his face with dark eyes and reddening lips.
“Our songs?” he asks, and he sounds just as out of breath, sitting back in order to reach for the hem of Hyunjin’s T-shirt. He doesn’t touch it though, simply slips his hands underneath to splay warm palms across his abdomen.
“Our porn ,” Hyunjin quotes with a wry smile. “Asked what our deal was.”
Chan’s fingertips dig into his flesh for a moment before he collects himself. “What did you say?”
“Nothing,” Hyunjin’s eyes fall closed and he lifts his hips as Chan’s fingers curl around the waistband of his sweats and underwear. “I tried to joke it off but- mm.”
He breaks off with a small noise when Chan tugs the garments down and off, helpfully flexing his legs to make it easier.
“But?” Chan encourages, running his hands down Hyunjin’s legs to spread them, leaning in to kiss the inside of his knee.
“But then we almost talked about sex,” Hyunjin whines, a combination of the memory and the touch as Chan’s lips travel lower, kissing down his thigh. “And I started… thinking-”
Chan’s lips part for a reprimanding bite to his skin, making him jump. “You shouldn’t do that.”
“I know,” Hyunjin groans, throwing an arm over his face to muffle a moan as Chan’s lips close around a patch of skin so high up on his thigh his underwear will cover it and sucks. Hyunjin breath catches at every single change of pressure and he can almost feel the small blood vessels break under his skin. Chan’s hair brushes against the base of his bare erection and he bucks his hips up. “I just… He looked at me all insinuating and- hngh!”
Chan lets up from his viciously made hickey and blows air onto it, before speaking in his darkest, most unhinged voice. “And you wondered who did anything to him and what they did to deserve it.”
He almost sounds feral and Hyunjin whines into his own arm because Chan understands.
They’d somehow always known that they were the same. Hyunjin saw his own reactions mirrored in Chan’s eyes, the lighting up when Felix came to him, to talk or touch or laugh, the concern when he didn’t. And eventually, as they all grew up more, the dark sparks of interest when Felix danced, flashed his abs or sent flirty looks. And the even darker looks when he did it for someone else. Chan was the one to say it out loud, years ago, after a concert when Felix had been radiatingly beautiful and Hyunjin couldn’t get enough, reaching for him at every moment he could.
“You love him, don’t you?” Chan had asked late that night when they were alone in the kitchen, Chan working on something and Hyunjin coming for a glass of water. He didn’t even have to mention a name.
Hyunjin froze and considered denying it, but he knew there was no point, knew from Chan’s even voice, instead acknowledging what was obvious. Something they had in common. “Yes. You do too.”
Chan was a little startled, but eventually breathed the heaviest sigh Hyunjin’s ever heard. Like his entire soul left his body with the soft confession, the pain lacing his voice resonating with Hyunjin’s heart. “Yeah.”
“He doesn’t want me,” Hyunjin admitted bitterly, a painful truth that he’d never spoken out loud before, and Chan looked up with a sadness in his eyes that made him unable to feel jealous, because he knew.
“He doesn’t want me either,” Chan said softly, his voice fragile enough to cover the pain.
Hyunjin reached out and hugged him, Chan holding onto him like it was life or death, and it felt good to finally have the truth out there, even if everything else hurt. Neither of them cried, but somehow that was worse.
They didn’t talk about it again, but they exchanged looks. Whenever Felix did something that touched his heart, he knew he could always look at Chan.
Then there was that night.
Hyunjin was lying on his bed playing games on his phone when the door opened and Chan whirled in, slamming the door shut behind him and leaning against it, biting his lip and looking a little bit like he’d seen a ghost.
He scanned the room, quickly finding Hyunjin was the only occupant, and his posture relaxed a little bit.
“Hyung?” Hyunjin questioned, frowning as he minimized his game to look at the time. “What are you doing here, weren’t you supposed to be at the studio all night?”
“I am. I was. I just-” Chan stutters, walking into the room to pace restlessly, tugging off his cap and aggressively scratching at his hair. “I forgot my- I didn’t-”
Hyunjin actually starts to feel a little worried because this level of stress isn’t normal even for Chan.
“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asks, cautiously watching Chan’s eyes widen and close, watches his lips part and close again as he walks back and forth in the room, looking like an understimulated predator.
“I-” Chan starts, then seems to deflate with a sigh, before raising his hand to his face and rubbing hard at his eyes. “I just- I just opened-”
“Hyung,” Hyunjin puts his phone aside and gets up, carefully reaching out to grasp Chan’s arm to stop him mid-turn, pausing his erratic movements. “What happened?”
Chan falls still, looking down at Hyunjin’s hand on his sleeve for a second, then looks up to meet his eyes with a blush on his cheekbones.
“I- I walked in on him Jinnie,” he finally manages, voice low and shaky like he’s afraid someone’s going to overhear. “I didn’t mean to, I just opened the door and-”
“Walked in on-?” Hyunjin starts in confusion, before realization dawns on him like a punch to the face. “Oh.”
“ Yes ,” Chan says, sounding desperate as he grabs onto Hyunjin’s shoulders and hangs his head. “I just opened the door and he was there with his hand in his pants and- Fuck.”
“Fuck,” Hyunjin repeats, cutting his eyes towards the door and his cheeks heat up at the realization that while he was playing games on his phone Felix was getting off just two doors away. Suddenly he’s hard.
“He saw me,” Chan groans, fingers tightening on Hyunjin’s shoulders, and Hyunjin reaches up to grasp onto his arms for support. He feels like he might lose his balance just standing here. “I saw him and he saw me and he was so-”
Chan groans and Hyunjin rubs his hands over Chan’s arms in support, trying not to reach up and strangle him for the visuals he now has that Hyunjin will never know.
“... What did he look like?” Hyunjin asks quietly, so quietly maybe it won’t be as shameful a question, and Chan slowly looks up, still blushing furiously, but something changes in his eyes as he sees Hyunjin’s expression.
For a second, he thinks Chan might pull back and call him disgusting. Say something about protecting Felix’s privacy and not to be gross. But he doesn’t.
“So gorgeous Jinnie,” he admits, desperation lacing his voice as he speaks. “Closed eyes and blushing and bangs in his face. And then- Then he saw me and his eyes widened and he pulled his hand out and… it was all slick and I just wanted to- Fuck.”
Chan’s hands curl into fists around Hyunjin’s shoulder seams and he’s almost afraid he’s going to rip the fabric. But he understands because fuck Hyunjin would give anything -
“Channie,” he gasps, not realizing how breathy his voice had gotten, and Chan seems to find himself again, slowly uncurling his hands, swallowing and wetting his lips.
“Sorry, I-” he pulls back from Hyunjin and runs a hand through his hair, trying to catch his breath, shifting, making Hyunjin glance down. “I’m just- It never happened. It never happened.”
Hyunjin wets his lips too, gazing at the bulge in Chan’s jeans that don’t leave much to the imagination.
“You can’t leave like that,” he says, and Chan’s eyes widen as he follows Hyunjin’s gaze, breathing an awkward laugh as he tries to tug his hoodie down.
“It’s fine,” he mutters, blush darkening on his cheeks, and Hyunjin makes a split second decision that’s going to haunt him for the coming years.
“I could help you with that,” he offers, half-regretting the words the second he’s said them, but he’s so fucking turned on and Chan is pretty and at least they both love the same boy.
Chan’s eyes widen comically as he looks at Hyunjin like he just grew a second head, mouth falling open a little. “Hyunjin?!”
It’s endearing, and Hyunjin’s made up his mind.
“You can close your eyes and pretend I’m him if you want,” he goes on, not really bothered by the idea. He just needs to get off and if he can at least talk or think about Felix while doing it with someone who’s not weirded out or offended by it he’ll fucking take it. “I don’t mind.”
“I-” Chan gapes at him, but Hyunjin catches his glance down to where he’s not exactly subtle in his sweats either. “I couldn’t do that to you Jinnie, you know I- Shit!”
Hyunjin sinks to his knees to prove a point, reaching out for Chan’s belt and only stopping when his hands are grasped in Chan’s, forcing him to look up and meet Chan’s shocked look.
“Are you… Are you sure?” he asks, sounding shaky and aroused while trying to be responsible. Hyunjin wants to let him be irresponsible for once, and he nods, shrugging off Chan’s hands and goes to work on his belt.
He gets Chan’s pants out of the way and pulls his pretty impressive erection from his underwear, the mewling sound Chan lets out making Hyunjin’s own dick twitch angrily in his pants. So he decides to do something wild.
“Hey Chris,” he says in his lowest register, imitating how Felix addresses him, and watches Chan fucking shudder , precum leaking onto Hyunjin’s fingers. “Pull my hair a bit.”
Chan growls and does as he’s told.
It becomes a regular thing after that. A desperate, toxic thing, fucking out their sexual frustrations with each other when they can’t have who they want. It’s not a good solution but it works.
“He asked if I’m sleeping with you,” Hyunjin admits when Chan’s two fingers deep inside him, and he feels Chan fall completely still, forcing his eyes open to look up at him.
“ What ?” Chan breathes, a disbelieving frown on his face.
“He was joking,” Hyunjin clarifies, frustration spilling into his voice as he pushes down onto Chan’s fingers and tries to urge them to go where he wants. “But he asked me the question and I almost died.”
“Holy shit,” Chan huffs, slapping Hyunjin’s thigh to keep him still, and maybe to hurt him a little bit for what he said. “You can’t just say something like that.”
“Chan, come on,” Hyunjin complains, rolling his hips against his fingers again, and Chan finally adds a third, a little rougher than the previous two.
“... Do you think he suspects?” Chan mumbles, rhythmically changing direction of the push of his fingers to spread him properly.
“No,” Hyunjin sighs, hips still rolling down to meet Chan’s hand, so good but not good enough. “He thought the idea was hilarious.”
“Good,” Chan says, punctuating his words with a very pointed jab against the perfect spot inside him and Hyunjin throws a hand over his mouth to muffle most of the sound he makes.
“Chris, fuck, just get on with it, I’m ready,” Hyunjin bites at him, using his English name like a weapon because he knows exactly what it does to him.
Chan groans and pulls his fingers out despite knowing Hyunjin’s not entirely ready. “You sure? It’s been a while. Unless you slept with anyone else.”
Hyunjin huffs, choosing not to respond to that. “Just fuck me.”
Chan pulls back to push his sweats and underwear down, grasp for a condom. His fingers shake a little bit.
“Do you know who he slept with?” Hyunjin asks as he watches Chan roll the condom onto himself, enjoying the view as much as he’s not meeting Chan’s eyes.
“Jinnie…” Chan warns, and Hyunjin clenches around nothing, squeezing his eyes closed against the uncomfortable feeling. “Don’t ask things like that.”
“Do you?” he demands, because Chan didn’t say no.
“I don’t,” Chan says sharply, reaching for Hyunjin’s shoulder and pulls pointedly so Hyunjin turns around, ending up on his hands and knees. “I only know there’s someone he fucks in Paris and I think there’s someone here.”
Hyunjin clenches tight around the tip of Chan’s cock as it starts to inch inside him, and Chan pauses with a whiny noise. He doesn’t want to hear it as much as he does, curling his hands in Chan’s sheets as the jealousy threatens to consume him while the pleasure spreads from where Chan is pushing steadily inside him.
He gasps for breath, trying to overcome the pressure and the jealousy at once, his erection dripping precum onto the bed.
“I don’t think it’s a regular thing,” Chan supplies as he pauses to give him a break, more than halfway inside and Hyunjin already feels full. But he knows it gets better.
“Good,” Hyunjin growls, and Chan leans down to press a searing kiss between his shoulder blades. He doesn’t know what he’d do if Felix actually found someone. When Felix actually finds someone.
“I told you not to ask,” Chan reprimands breathily, then keeps pressing inside until he’s buried to the hilt and Hyunjin’s coming apart, arms shaking and breath getting caught in his throat. “Don’t think about it.”
“I can’t-” he starts, but then Chan thrusts into him and Hyunjin’s vision flashes in white at the pleasure, washing the image of Felix arching his back on some expensive hotel bed in Paris from his inner vision. Mostly. “Fuck, Chris.”
“Don’t-” Chan warns again, but breaks off in a soft moan and doesn’t finish the rest of his sentence.
He picks up the pace and Hyunjin quickly starts losing his mind, mouth open as he tries not to be too loud, voicing his pleasure in harsh breaths and low groans while Chan gasps behind him. A hand grasps onto his shoulder and pushes him down when his arms start to shake, and he falls down onto his elbows instead, changing the angle with which Chan is pounding into him. His moans rise at least an octave in pitch when Chan hits his prostate dead on, stars sparkling at the corners of his eyes and he squeezes his eyes shut.
“Close,” he moans, and he knows Chan likes his higher register better when they’re like this. He tries not to think about if Chan knows something he doesn’t, or if that’s just something he likes anyway.
The squelching sound as Chan pulls out and slam back in again almost drowns out Chan’s little chuckle.
“Same,” he groans, but he doesn’t reach down to help him, instead tightening his hands on Hyunjin’s hips to hoist him up a little higher and he would feel filthy if it wasn’t also amazing.
“Hyung,” Hyunjin whines, complaint loud in his voice, but Chan still doesn’t move, so he gives in. “ Please .”
Chan shifts then, a firm hand wrapping around Hyunjin’s leaking erection, and he buries his moan in his own arms as Chan finally starts stroking him.
His orgasm is like a whiplash and he claws at the sheets and moans far too loudly as he spurts over Chan’s hand, a vision of Felix spread out in that imaginary hotel bed flashing before his inner eye and he shivers.
Chan pounds into him a couple more times, and Hyunjin’s almost too out of it to hear a quiet whimper of a name that isn’t his when Chan comes.
But that’s alright. If that’s what it takes for both of them to act normal again tomorrow, he’ll take it.
Maybe one day, they won’t need this anymore.