Chapter Text
After tying up his seatbelt, Henry leaned over to the dirty window and watched the fields below getting progressively closer. So close to landing, his stomach churned. Everything had been so rushed, Henry had no idea what to expect. He had been struggling to find a job now that he was finally free of parole and court-ordered therapy when Hanush called him two days ago.
Henry knew that Hanush had been an old friend of his biological father, Radzig, though he had never met him before. Still, Henry knew his name very well, and when he told Henry he had a job for him, his first instinct had been to refuse. However, he now had a criminal record and was becoming increasingly desperate for any job, not to mention that Pirkstein Stables was one of the most influential stables in the country. Surely a work experience there with a reference would get him a foot back in the door at other stables.
As it turned out, Hanush didn’t even need him at Pirkstein. One of his riders on a show jumping tour to qualify for the Geneva Championship this summer desperately needed a groom. His previous one had quit in the middle of Germany, two shows into the tour. Reassured that Henry would not come across him whatsoever, he had agreed and been rushed to the airport. God, Henry had not even gotten the name of the rider he was supposed to meet and really hoped he was waiting at the airport like Hanush told him he would be.
He braced for impact as the airplane neared the ground, the thrill of it rushing through his veins. It made contact with German soil, and Henry was hit with how screwed he was if things didn’t go as planned. He trusted Hanush’s name, he wouldn’t be sent in the middle of nowhere for the fun of it, and all his travel expenses had been paid for. But as it stood, if something went wrong, Henry did not have the money to make it back home on his own. As he waited for his turn to leave his seat, Henry shook his head to stop this line of thought. There was no point now, he was already here.
The warmth of the day engulfed Henry as soon as he stepped outside. Shaking his nerves and holding his pitiful duffel bag that now contained his entire life, he made his way towards the airport, following the rest of the people on his flight. As it was only a domestic European flight, no extra security checks were needed, and he walked right through to the exit.
Henry didn’t even get a chance to scan around the arrivals room. The moment he walked through those automatic doors, he was the first thing his eyes landed on. Henry’s stomach sank. He watched him visibly blanch upon seeing Henry, slowly standing from the airport’s chairs, a few steps from him. Henry’s pulse thundered in his ear as he tried to make sense of who was in front of him.
“Henry…”
Fuck.
“No, no,” Hans said, shaking his head. “You need to quit.”
It was as if a bucket of iced water had been dropped on Henry’s head. Any shock vanished instantly. Henry clenched his hands into fists, driving his fingernails into his palms even through the handle of his bag.
“Are you serious? That’s the first thing you tell me after six years?”
Hans swallowed hard. “I can’t have you here. It’s… You can’t be here. Please, you have to quit.”
Another traveller bumped into Henry, and he barely registered it enough to take a few steps forward. Out of the way of the doors, Henry stepped in front of Hans.
“I can’t quit!”
Hans crossed his arms.“Then you’re fired.”
“For what?” Henry said, clenching his fists harder. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Probation period,” Hans just said. “I don’t need a reason.”
Henry’s veins burned. How fucking dare he? He saw red and forced a breath into his lungs. Henry focused on loosening his fingers. Deep breath in, deep breath out. He couldn’t afford to lose it, if he punched Hans, he didn’t know where he’d stop.
“Are you that embarrassed of me, Hans?” Henry said flatly. “Or are you just this cruel?”
Hans flinched. “I’m not… This is not… It has nothing to do with any of that.”
“I wouldn’t know, would I? Seeing as you abandoned me without a word.”
Hans had the decency to at least look ashamed as he looked down, a slight flush coloring his cheeks. He pursed his lips.
“Aye, well. You can’t be here. I’m sorry,” he said as he took a side step to leave.
Before he could think better of it, Henry grabbed onto his forearm before he could go any further, holding him in a bruising grip. Hans gasped as he froze and closed his eyes forcefully, without making any efforts to free himself. Henry didn’t know what he was doing. Why was he holding him back? Sure, he was stranded here without Hans. But, surely… No, fuck that, Henry would not let Hans rob him of his last chance to work with horses again. Through gritted teeth and with a conscious effort not to grip too hard, Henry resorted to the truth to make him stay.
“You can’t leave me here, Hans. I can’t get home, I…” Henry averted his eyes as he sucked in a breath. Painfully, he pushed the next words out. “I don’t have a home to go back to either. I need this job.”
Hans went slack in Henry’s grip, and he let him go. Hans rubbed at the area as he met Henry’s gaze once more. He softened slowly, and just for a moment, Henry saw his best friend again. He took a step back away from Hans. He needed to step away from this familiarity, he didn’t want to see his best friend. It hurt too much.
“What happened to you, Henry?” Hans asked softly.
“You don’t get to ask me that.”
Hans took a moment to answer. “Do… Do you need money? I can give you money, a lot of it is locked, but I have some-”
“I don’t want your money, Hans!” Henry snapped. “I want a respectable job and a reference so I can leave after your tour and never see you again.”
Hans deflated and dropped back onto the airport’s chairs behind him. He took a deep breath before he looked up at Henry.
“Why did you even take this job? You knew it was my family.”
“I don’t have a lot of options these days. Hanush just said he had a rider in desperate need of a groom,” Henry said, dropping his bag on the floor. “I didn’t know it was you. He said the rider had no team. How could you possibly not have a team? You’re the heir!”
Hans took a deep breath. “That’s beside the point.”
“Ok, then why would you even agree if you didn’t want me here?”
Hans stared at the ground. “I wasn’t asked. He just told me he was sending someone named Henry. Your name always hurts in any capacity, but it’s so common, I didn’t actually think it was you.”
Henry tried not to dwell on the admission. He looked over Hans, and it was so strange. Henry would always recognize him anywhere, but he had changed so much. He’d lost that baby face and looked mature now. He’d gotten a small scar on his right cheek at some point. Henry wondered if it had been a horse fall or something else. His hair was as golden as ever, and his eyes still just as blue. But they were accompanied by dark circles so deep, Henry thought they must be a permanent feature. Hans bit on his nails, and Henry knew he had convinced him. He resented being able to read Hans so well after so long, but he couldn’t deny the facts.
“If you stay, no one can know. I mean it, least of all Hanush,” Hans said intensely as he stood. “No one, okay?”
“What does Hanush even know?”
“Nothing. He thinks mine is dead,” he said, raising his left wrist covered up by a bandage.
Henry sighed. “Don’t worry, Hans. I won’t tell anyone you’re my soulmate. I’d rather forget it myself.”
Hans crossed his arms. “Aye, well.”
Henry huffed. Had he really nothing more to say? Henry only realized he was brushing his thumb over his own soulmark on his left wrist when he noticed Hans staring at the movement. Henry stopped instantly, hiding the wrist with the symbol behind his back.
“And after the championship you’ll leave, yes?” Hans said after a moment.
“With a stellar recommendation from you,” Henry stated as a fact.
Maybe Henry imagined it, but the corners of Hans’s mouth twitched ever so slightly. “Of course.”
“Then yes.”
Hans sighed as if he was already regretting his decision. “Very well. We'd better hurry, the horses are being watched by an airport employee.”
Henry nodded his acknowledgment and picked up his bag to follow him.
“Have you eaten? Do you need lunch?” Hans said as they walked through the airport.
Henry’s heart jolted at the gentle tone. “I’m fine.”
The shift was jarring. One moment, Hans was thrashing to get away from him, and now he was offering food as if they had seen each other yesterday? Henry hadn’t eaten, actually. But Hans didn’t get to be gentle and caring. Henry had spent the last six years painting him as a selfish arsehole in his mind. He couldn’t afford for that image to deviate. Henry could do this, it was only three months. He’d do his job well, be courteous, nice even. But he would not like him again.
They walked the rest of the way in silence until they reached a small horse truck. Henry was relieved to find it wasn’t a hitched-up trailer but one of those RV-like trucks. They were so much easier to drive. Hans thanked the employee before turning to Henry. He opened the side door of the truck and climbed in. Henry took a few steps closer to peek at the two horses from the outside.
“Well, these are my horses. Be careful, Willow is a rescue, she scares easily with strangers,” he said, pointing at the bay mare.
Strangers. The word echoed bitterly as Henry swallowed down a few choice words he was tempted to throw at Hans.
“And this is Autumn,” he continued, pointing at the palomino.
“You compete on a rescue?” Henry asked.
Hans jumped back down and started to close the door again. “Something wrong with that?”
“No, just unusual at this level.”
“Wait until you see her jump, you’ll change your mind. We have a lot of road to cover to reach our rest stop for the night. Do you need anything, or can we go?”
“We can go.”
Hans nodded and walked around to the driver’s seat, so Henry climbed in on the passenger side. He put down his bag at his feet and took a deep breath while he was still alone. Henry couldn’t shake off this sense of surrealism. Even worse was the gnawing coming home feeling that clung to his stomach.
The first part of the drive was quiet. Hans had given Henry his laptop and notebook so Henry could look through the itinerary, shows planned, rest stops, etc. Henry had been focusing all of his energy on that, trying very hard not to think about the man driving. Or how the deep ache in his soul, that sense of emptiness he’d become accustomed to over the past six years, was slowly easing the longer he was sitting next to him. Henry wondered how long it would take him to get used to it once more when he left. Not long, hopefully. Henry was flipping through the notebook, reading an unknown handwriting, when he spoke without thinking.
“Why did your last groom quit?”
Hans glanced at him before focusing back on the road. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“It kind of is, if it was bad enough for him to leave you in the lurch like that.”
“It wasn’t about the job.”
Henry put the notebook down and turned to look at Hans. “What was it about then?”
“Nothing important,” Hans said, as his jaw clenched.
Henry tsked. “Would you just answer the damn question?”
Hans sighed and stayed quiet while he changed lanes after passing a truck. Only when he had made the change did he speak with a clear effort to feign indifference.
“He just found out something that was against his morals and decided to leave.”
Henry rolled his eyes at his efforts to deflect the question. “Find what out?”
“Nothing you need to know about!”
Henry watched Hans’s hands tighten around the steering wheel. And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from pushing.
“I do need to know!”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Henry! He found out about you, ok? Leave it be.”
Henry crossed his arms. “What about me? I don’t get it.”
“For the lov- He saw my mark, figured out you weren’t dead, and that I was hiding something. He went through my phone while I was in the shower and saw some old photos. He’s a homophobic prick. I paid him not to tell Hanush, and now he’s gone. Are we good, can we fucking move on?”
Henry paused. He still had old photos on his phone? He had assumed Hans had erased every part of him when he had left. It killed Henry that he still didn’t know the reason Hans had abandoned him. He didn’t know if he was the reason. Henry frowned as a thought came to mind.
“Is that why you left?” Henry asked in disbelief. “Because you didn’t want to be gay?”
“What?” Hans said, startled enough into glancing at Henry for a beat too long. “No, of course not, why would you even think that?”
“What else am I supposed to think?” Henry snapped. “You left without a single word, refused to see me, blocked our bond within a week-”
“Henry, I am gay for fucks sake,” Hans interrupted. “Mark or no mark.”
“Then why did you leave? Too low-born for you?”
Hans sent him a look of disgust. “Would you stop? You know that’s not true.”
“Do I? Twelve years, Hans. We were best friend for twelve years. And I’ve never even met your uncle or seen your home.” Henry paused and spoke the next words slowly. “Why did you leave?”
Hans groaned, put his blinker on, and changed lanes to get onto the highway’s rest stop they were passing.
“It doesn’t matter! None of it matters!”
“It does fucking matter! I don’t understand why you can’t just tell me! Now and then.”
Hans sighed. “Because I know you, Henry and-”
“Fuck that! You don’t know shit, you have no idea what I’ve been through!”
“Well, I did back then, and if I had told you, you never would have let me go.”
Henry turned back towards the road, digging himself into his seat. “I would have if you left because you’re a selfish cunt. You’re so scared of Hanush, this is about your inheritance, isn’t it? Afraid you won’t get daddy’s money?”
Hans parked the truck in the shade, pulling the handbrake a lot harder than necessary as he cut the engine.
“Yeah, you know what, that’s right, let’s go with that. I’m a selfish cunt. Glad we settled that. I need a fucking break.”
On those words, Hans jumped out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. Henry knocked his head back on the headrest behind him a few times, trying to calm himself. He needed to get a hold of himself, it hadn’t even been an afternoon, and they were already fighting. There was nothing to stop Hans from dropping him off at the next airport, and Henry couldn’t risk losing this job. Or worse, Hans could just drive off. Henry didn’t think Hans would be as cruel as to just leave Henry alone in the middle of nowhere, but he didn’t really know him anymore, did he? Maybe Hans was.
Henry took another deep breath before jumping out of the truck in turn. He opened the first door and found the small tack room right behind the cabin. It didn’t take long to find a bucket, and Henry was pleased to find it also had a built-in water tank. Armed with water, he opened the side door that led to the horses. Both horses lifted their heads from their hay net to look at him. That special horse smell hit Henry’s nose pleasantly. It wasn’t necessarily a good smell, but to Henry, it was home.
“Hi, girls,” Henry said softly.
Remembering what Hans had said about Willow, Henry presented his hand to the bay mare before climbing in. She stared for a moment before she leaned on the bar in front of her and extended her neck to sniff at Henry. He waited until she lost interest to give her a small pat on the nose and finally climbed in to offer them the water. He gave it to Autumn first, leaning the bucket on his folded leg and patted her head as she drank.
“We’ll be good friends, won’t we?”
Both horses ignored him, Willow having returned to munching on her hay net. But Henry smiled. It had been so long since he’d been near a horse. God, he missed Pebbles. Autumn drank the entirety of what Henry had put in the bucket, so he jumped back out to refill it. The water was running when Hans reappeared from around the truck. He held up a coffee towards Henry.
“Peace offering,” he said with a small smile.
Henry turned off the water and looked at the coffee hesitantly. There it was again, that jarring shift. Henry was painfully aware of how good Hans was at hiding his emotions. He wondered what he would actually find in Hans if they weren’t blocking each other. Henry would bet his life it was not this peaceful, happy face Hans was making.
“Listen, Henry,” Hans continued. “This competition is very important and I don’t want to spend the next three months fighting and rehashing the past. Can we please call a truce and focus on the job and the horses?”
Henry took a sharp breath in and nodded as he took the cup. He took a sip, and it hurt. A mocha. Of course, Hans still remembered his favorite coffee.
“Oh, and here,” Hans said as he handed Henry a small plastic bag. “I’m not deaf you’re starving, Henry.”
Henry glanced down into the bag as Hans reached around him to grab the water bucket. A sandwich and a few snacks. Kill me now.
After a silent drive and a stop at a local stable to drop off the horses, where Hans had explained the horses’s feed, their schedule, and so on, they finally made it to the hotel. Henry had taken over driving a while back and pulled into the parking lot of a rather bland motel he never would have pictured Hans anywhere near. He stopped the truck at the entrance.
“You want to stay here?”
“It’s the closest to the stables.”
“Aye, but you, here?”
Hans tsked. “Henry, we’ll be in there for like six hours. I don’t really see the point in wasting money on a fancy hotel.”
Henry raised an eyebrow. “Coming from the guy who bought three non-refundable watches for my birthday because he didn’t know which color I’d like.”
“Aye, well. A lot’s changed. Go ahead and park. I’ll get a room.”
Hans left the vehicle before Henry could really say anything. Henry shook his head and found a parking spot easily in front of a random room. It didn’t really matter to him anyway. Once he cut the engine, Henry looked behind the seats. The cabin was rather small and it didn’t have a designated sleeping space, but Henry reckoned it was still big enough to sleep comfortably.
He absolutely hated sleeping in the truck. On the last grooming job he had, he was always up hours before his boss because the cabin would turn into an oven as soon as the sun was up. With a sigh, he slipped into the cabin and started opening all the cupboards to find the sleeping bag and, Henry hoped, a mat. He set Hans’s bag on his seat when he found it and was halfway through the storage when he came back into the truck.
“Oh, thank you,” Hans said, picking up his bag. “What are you looking for?”
“The sleeping bag,” Henry said, without stopping his search.
“What sleeping bag?”
Henry paused and turned around. “Surely you don’t expect me to sleep on the floor without one?”
Hans blinked. “On the floor? Henry, are you unfamiliar with the concept of a hotel room? They have beds in there, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m… confused as to where the confusion is coming from,” Hans said slowly.
“It’s just in my last job, I was asked to sleep in the trailer.”
Hans’s eyes widened. “Jesus, no, you’d burn up! We’re in the middle of summer, and it doesn’t have AC without the motor on.”
“Neither did his.”
Hans was silent for a moment before he cleared his throat. “Well, you’re not there now. Can we go, please?”
Henry hesitated but then jumped back onto the seat, grabbed his own bag along with the keys, and left the truck. He didn’t dare ask anything on the way to the hotel room. His first question was answered when Hans didn’t hand Henry his own key, but simply stopped in front of a room. His second was when he was relieved to find two beds in the small room as he walked in after Hans. The room was simple but clean enough. Henry walked to the bed nearest the window and dropped his bag. He was so exhausted he barely had it in him to change into nightclothes before burying himself in the blankets.
Henry woke up with a start, still feeling the heat on his sweat-damp skin, his heart pounding. He tasted ash and sighed heavily, rubbing his hands on his face.
“You ok?”
Henry startled, violently sitting up and looking around until he located Hans sitting at the small desk in the room. The desk lamp was casting unnerving shadows on his face. Henry placed a hand on his heart that was now thundering painfully.
“Jesus fucking christ, Hans! You scared the hell out of me!”
“Sorry.”
Henry took a deep breath to calm himself as he tested the bond more out of habit than anything else. His blocking was still firmly in place, and he checked the time next.
“Why are you not asleep? It’s 3 am.”
Hans shrugged. “Chronic insomniac.”
Henry hummed, which made Hans chuckle.
“There’s no need for that tone, Henry. I know very well why I can’t sleep. Are you okay?” he repeated for the second time.
Henry had also suffered from a lack of sleep the first few years. It came from the separation amongst the other lovely side effects Henry had had to get used to. Soulmates weren’t meant to be separated for so long. But after the accident, nightmares had started to be the main reason for Henry’s poor sleep.
“Aye, just nightmares. You could call them chronic too, I suppose.”
Henry reached over to the night table to grab his water bottle and wash off the very insistent ash taste stuck in his mouth. Hans turned off the light and closed his notebook before he got into his bed. Henry slowly lay back down. He didn’t want to fall asleep just yet, lest he be brought right back where he had just escaped. So he turned towards Hans, shifting on his side. Even with the lights off, the moonlight was shining strongly, and Henry could see him rather clearly.
“How come you don’t have a team?”
Hans gave him a look from where he was lying down, and Henry raised a hand in surrender.
“I’m not starting a fight,” Henry said. “It just never even crossed my mind that it could be you. You’re the heir of Pirkstein, shouldn’t you have grooms and trainers by the dozen?”
“Uncle doesn’t approve of this tour. You have no idea the lengths I had to go to to get around him,” Hans said as he exhaled a sigh. “He allows me the bare minimum so I’ll be safe. Meaning a co-driver, someone to help with the horses and just enough money but he certainly won’t make it easy on me.”
Henry frowned. “Why wouldn’t he? You’ve been dreaming of it since forever, and your father won the championship too in his time. Wouldn’t it bring even more prestige to your stables if you won?”
“Aye, that’s exactly why he doesn’t want me to go. He doesn’t want me to have any credit of my own.”
Henry wasn’t sure what to say to that. He had seemed nice enough over the phone. And he had been Radzig’s friend. So surely, there was more to it than that. Henry took a deep breath. It didn’t matter. He had enough to worry about as it was, he couldn’t possibly try and understand Hans’s life. Hans had made it clear enough that he didn’t want Henry in it anyway.
“Since we’re on personal questions,” Hans said. “What happened to Pebbles?”
“I had to sell her.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Henry. Was she hurt?”
Henry shifted on his back, trailing his eyes on the ceiling. “No, she’s fine. I follow her scores online, she’s been winning a lot recently.”
“Of course she is,” Hans smiled. “You trained her.”
Henry just looked at Hans without answering. What was he supposed to say? Thank you? Just as Henry considered turning around wordlessly, Hans spoke again.
“I tried to call you, you know?”
Henry frowned. “When?”
“Two years ago. Even through the blocking, I felt you. That searing agony. I don’t know what happened, but I tried to find you.”
“If you had tried hard enough, you would know what happened.”
Henry turned around, pulling the covers up to his ears. All Hans would have had to do was go to his home, and he would have known.