Chapter Text
Prologue
This is the story of how I lost my best friend. Don’t worry, this is actually a very fun story. And the truth is, it isn’t even mine. Not really, anyway. This is the story of a girl named Victoria Javadi. And it all starts with a wish upon a star. Well. Sort of. It’ll make sense, I promise. Just, bear with me.
Now, once upon a time, there was a girl who was so by the books she had never dared to even dream for fear of her mother finding out. She had always been a good girl who did exactly as she was told. She got straight As, she didn’t make friends with anyone her mother wouldn’t approve of, and she definitely didn’t do anything her mother would classify as pointless. The only thing she ever did that was remotely bad was stay up past her bedtime with a flashlight under her covers to read the latest romance novel she had managed to sneak from her mother’s library.
But eventually, that little girl grew to be a young woman who went off to a college that required all students to live on campus. And so, the goody-goody who had learned to do things like hide her secret social media accounts from her mother, and wear a second layer of clothing to hide the outfit she was actually wearing to school finally got a taste of a little thing called freedom. She did her best to behave in her first few years on campus here at Pittsburgh University. She declared a major in Biology, joined all of the academic clubs on campus, and made the Dean’s list every semester. She barely had time for a social life. Matter of fact, the only friend she really had was me- her roommate. She was happy. Mostly. Mostly, she had learned to make peace with the fact that everyone was destined to live a specific life, and she was simply living the path that was laid out for her. But by the time she got to her junior year, there was a nagging inside of her that she couldn’t ignore anymore. There was a tiny, little dream that had nested itself in her heart and hadn’t left. It begged to be granted.
You see, that girl had one specific dream she had been dying to make come true ever since she first saw High School Musical when she was nine years old and realized that the science nerd could in fact be on a stage and get the boy and win the academic decathlon. People could contain multitudes, and she did not have to only be a science nerd if she did not want to be… and guys- she did not want to be. No, Victoria Javadi dreamed of being the kind of brunette bombshell who could cure cancer AND could bring down the house with a rousing song. And, well. Since her mother wasn’t around, who was there to stop her?
The girl decided her junior year to make her tiny, little dream a reality. All she needed was the help of her one and only friend. Me.
Chapter One
Trinity was getting bleary-eyed from staring at page-after-page of director’s notes. There was a lot left to prepare for the musical, and auditions started next week. Next Tuesday, to be exact. She had eight days left to get her shit together to ensure she proved that she could handle the main stage. It had been her dream since freshman year to be the stage manager for a mainstage production, and after three years of slaving away in backstage hell- props design, props master, costume assistant, set constructor, painter, tech assistant, mic duty, sitting in the booth while someone else called the shots and she pressed a single button and flipped pages, director’s assistant- she was finally being entrusted with the big job. Three years of learning the ropes of every single backstage job and detail were finally paying off.
For any other person, the job would feel daunting, but for Trinity the job felt natural, like something she was made to do. She was most comfortable being the person behind the success, not front and center. She was good at helping people along, at organizing, and at coordinating so that every piece fell into its right place and the big picture came together.
She was also, if she was being entirely honest with herself, really freakin’ tired of reading through the copious amount of notes Dr. Robinavitch had given her to go over in preparation for the Spring musical. He had given her the dramaturg’s notes on characters and the historical setting last night, alongside his own notes of items he wanted to bring to the actors’ attention. He wanted Trinity to review the notes and get back to him with her own thoughts- what should they prioritize? Were the dramaturg’s notes in line with the production that had already been sketched out, or would they need to make adjustments to certain design aspects? Most importantly, was there anything he should tell Dr. Collins- the music director- about to keep her in the loop? She rolled her eyes at that last one. Whatever Dr. Robinavitch had going on with Dr. Collins from the music department was not her business, and not something she wanted to be involved with in any capacity. But for the past month of planning the Spring musical, Dr. Robinavitch had made Trinity the go-between for him and Dr. Collins. She had passed more hand-written notes between them than she thought was necessary, given there was a little thing called email that they both could’ve been using instead.
But such was the life of a stage manager- it was her job to keep everyone informed and connected and on the same page. She pushed her glasses up and into her hair, and rubbed her eyes with her fists, fighting to beat the tiredness in her bones from weeks of studying and preparing for the musical on top of studying and preparing for her actual classes. She exhaled dramatically as she sank back into the deeply uncomfortable wooden chair that came with the built-in desk for their dorm, her signature “I’m tired of this shit” groan she often emitted when she was at her wits end and didn’t know how to quit from the task at hand.
“What are you working on?” Victoria asked, looking up from her neurobiology textbook and looking down at Trinity from her top bunk bed. This semester, she had opted to explore alternative career paths to the ones her mother had so thoughtfully emailed her at the beginning of the school year. Trinity couldn’t help but snort a little at what a nerd Victoria was. Ah yes, neurobiology- what a rebel Victoria was, shirking her mother’s dreams of her being a surgeon for *checks notes* a career in medical research. Trinity knew Victoria's mother’s plans for her in excruciating detail because that email was all Victoria talked about for the entire month of August. Trinity cringed at herself as she remembered in vivid detail every little thing that Victoria had told her that month.
“You should consider becoming an anesthesiologist, it pays well, it’s highly reputable, and it’s lower stakes than the other medical careers you refuse to consider despite my urging- like surgery.” Victoria read from her laptop. She looked up at Trinity, face scrunched in frustration. “Like, okay mom. Sorry I don’t want to be you? Sorry I’m my own person? Seriously, what is her deal? It’s like the concept of me living my life for myself is totally foreign to her.”
It wasn’t a paraphrasing. Trinity could recite the email from memory, complete with Victoria’s running commentary of annotations on each sentence of the email. What Trinity was remembering was an exact, word for word transcript of what Victoria had said. There wasn’t a word that Victoria had said that Trinity had not clung onto and stored in a special compartment in her head reserved specifically for anything and everything concerning Victoria. It would be embarrassing, if Victoria knew, but thankfully- and unfortunately- for Trinity, Victoria didn’t seem to have a clue about what she felt.
Trinity looked up and sighed, “just… more notes for the musical. The dramaturg is a bit full of herself, every sentence she’s written has like, five more giant words than it needs to have. Like. Just say “the setting should clearly be a combination of elements that say fairy tale,” instead of,” Trinity picked up the printed out packet to read from directly, “ “the setting of the musical should evoke a nostalgic ardor for the fantastical of lore, synthesizing an almost idyllic alchemy that’s connotative of the dreams of a forgotten childhood,” like what is the point of saying all of that? Does she get paid by the word? Who is she, Carrie Bradshaw??”
Victoria snorted, her sharp inhale giving way to a melodious giggle that had been Trinity’s favorite song since she first heard it three years ago when they first met and Victoria giggled nervously as she introduced herself. “I think even Carrie doesn’t use that many words. And if she did, she definitely would never say something like “nostalgic ardor,” I think that’s too pretentious for even her. She’s the every woman. She would say something like “and as I looked at the stage directions for the musical, I couldn’t help but wonder- were all of us just maidens waiting for a prince to pick up their slippers and come running for them? What good really came of reading so many fairytales if none of us were equipped to live through them?” or something along those lines,” Victoria shrugged, her big brown eyes doing that twinkling thing they did when she was feeling particularly proud of her own cleverness. Trinity’s heart did a backflip as she watched Victoria shoot her a lopsided grin and wink, delighted at her own spontaneous wit.
Trinity’s lips stuttered as they moved to smile back at Victoria, first too wide, then too small as she panicked about her overzealousness, then slightly wider than before before eventually finding their way to something she hoped was subtle. Not that it mattered. Victoria remained oblivious to details she couldn’t read about in a book. Victoria’s head was back in her textbook before Trinity’s face could finish its twitching. “So what’s the musical this year?” Victoria asked as she scrawled down a note on a clear post-it and adhered it to the textbook page, jotting an accompanying note into her moleskine journal.
Trinity found herself studying Victoria studying. With her eyes, she carefully traced the lines that crinkled between Victoria’s eyebrows as she parsed through the information on the page before her. She dutifully committed to memory the way Victoria’s lips pursed as she whisper-read aloud to herself, convinced it helped her remember better. She choked on her own spit as she hypnotically watched Victoria take a quick sip from her Owala water bottle, her lips wrapping around the spout in such a delicate way that Trinity could not help but imagine for the umpteenth time what it would feel like for Victoria’s lips to wrap around her own. Victoria looked over at Trinity, raising a curious eyebrow as she set back down her water bottle. “T? What’s the musical?”
Trinity blinked furiously, feeling an all too familiar flush creeping up her neck as she turned her head back down to her notes on the desk and frantically scrambled for her favorite, red Blackwing 602 pencil. It was her most prized possession. When Trinity and Victoria first met and went through all of the obligatory, awkward get-to-know-you questions, Trinity had casually mentioned she was a theater kid. And a few months later, Victoria gifted her a box of Blackwing 602s.
“What’s this for?” Trinity had asked, puzzled as she inspected the box Victoria had handed her.
“Just,” Victoria shrugged, “for school or whatever. I thought you’d like them. I read somewhere they were Sondheim’s favorite pencil brand.”
“You keep up with Sondheim?”
Victoria shook her head. “No, but you said you were a theater kid so I thought you’d like him.”
It was all Victoria said about it, and all Trinity dared to ask. Trinity cleared her throat, a lump of emotion daring to form otherwise. No one had ever given her such a thoughtful gift for important reasons- birthdays, holidays, apologies- let alone for no reason at all. “Umm… thanks I guess,” she mumbled, trying and failing to process why her roommate was being so kind.
Victoria simply smiled, and continued blathering on about her critiques of the readings for the intro to comp class they were taking together. It was the only moment Trinity couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to what she was saying, she was too caught up in the wonder of how easilyVictoria cared for her. It was the exact moment that Trinity realized she was in love with her roommate.
“Cinderella,” Trinity replied, shaking her head and urging herself to cool it. She raised her left hand to her forehead, sliding her pointer finger back and forth over the skin soothingly as she tried to calm herself down. She looked over at the clock in the top right corner of her laptop. 12:17 am. It was late. That was all this was. She was tired. Tired made it more difficult for her to control- or, if she was being honest, to bury- her feelings. Trinity tapped her pencil against the desk nervously, her right leg bouncing up and down on the ball of her foot as she silently prayed for Victoria to stop talking to her. She wasn’t strong enough tonight to ignore all of the details that made Victoria her favorite person. She wasn’t rested enough to keep herself guarded.
Apparently, Trinity was not one of God’s favorites. Trinity listened as Victoria dropped her own pencil into her textbook, and shuffled around in her bed. “Like the Disney movie?” Victoria’s voice was unusually chipper as she replied, making Trinity’s ears prickle. Lately, Victoria hadn’t been very happy about anything. She was languishing away in a degree program she had regretted from the moment she had picked it, but she refused to quit. She didn’t want to give her mother the satisfaction. Trinity couldn’t understand it. To Trinity, Victoria was the kind of smart that could change the world with or without a degree. Victoria was a genius of sorts, a person for whom ingenious ideas and kindness and creation were not actions she took but rather core tenets of her very being. Whatever Victoria touched could be turned to gold, there was no doubt about it. Trinity thought she was walking proof of this fact. Before Victoria, Trinity was not a girl who had friends. She was not a girl who stayed up late binging Sex and the City and taking personality quizzes to determine which lady she was (she frequently got Carrie, while Victoria got either Charlotte or Samantha depending on her mood.) She was most definitely not a girl who shared her thoughts and feelings and dreams with anyone. Before meeting Victoria, Trinity had given up on connecting with people. She had friends, once. She had a life, once. She had dreams, once. She gave all of that up when she learned too young that she could lose and she could hurt and she could grieve more deeply than any adult in her life had ever warned her about.
If Victoria was a girl who made everything golden, Trinity thought herself to be a girl who turned everything to ash. Nothing gold stayed for Trinity. Her teen years had been proof enough of that. She was positive she was cursed, and she had accepted that. There were peoples and persons, and Trinity was a people- she was nothing special, she was a part of the mass that lived an ordinary, cruel life. Then she met Victoria. And despite her best efforts to keep her out as she did everyone else she ever met, Victoria snuck inside of Trinity’s heart not like a shadow but a glimmer, a cloud of sparkling particles so finite Trinity didn’t even realize they were inside of her until it was too late. You couldn’t remove glitter, not completely. There was always some part of the shiny, plasticy essence that stuck to you. Victoria stuck to her, and could not be removed.
If she was being honest, she did not want to remove Victoria, and late nights and little sleep made her more honest than she ought to be. A fully rested Trinity would scoff and tease Victoria, but Trinity was not fully rested. She was running on three hours of sleep from two days ago and five shots of espresso that had worn off earlier in the evening. She smiled faintly at Victoria, gently amused at her lack of theater knowledge. “No,” she chuckled warmly, resting her elbow on the desk and her chin in her palm as she looked up at Victoria, “not like the Disney movie. It’s its own thing. I mean, the broad strokes are the same- girl’s father dies, stepmom and stepsisters torment her, she goes to the ball and meets the prince- but the details are different.”
Victoria scooted to the edge of her bed, swinging her legs over and propping her elbows on her thighs so that she could rest her face on her fists, giving Trinity her full, undivided attention. “Yeah? How so?” Victoria asked. Victoria was wearing plaid sleep shorts and Trinity’s Seussical musical t-shirt, one of the many clothing items Victoria had stolen and pretended to have mixed up in their laundry. Trinity was delirious under Victoria’s unwavering eyes, the soft curve of her lips into a sly grin giving Trinity erratic palpitations and a cold sweat on her lower back to boot. Victoria rarely if ever broke away from her studies. She was compulsive- once she started a task, she needed to finish it. In the time Trinity had known her, Victoria had never once disrupted this pattern. Victoria would not leave her studies for anything. Case in point: Victoria had missed out on the welcome weekend concert- Tinashe- just to finish reading the campus book study novel all freshmen had been assigned for their mandatory comp class, despite not needing to finish it until the first week of October (the concert had been the first week of September.) Tonight, it seemed, what Trinity had to say was more important.
She tried not to read too much into it. Perhaps, Trinity thought, she’s just tired like I am. Perhaps she’s forgotten herself. Victoria tilted her head, eyes widening at Trinity playfully as she said, “well? Are you gonna tell me?”
“Right, uh,” Trinity cleared her throat, “well. In this version, Cinderella is very much the people’s princess. Like, she’s deeply invested in the kingdom as a whole. When she goes to the ball, she’s not attending just to have a night of fun, she’s attending to try and tell the Prince what’s wrong with the kingdom and to get him to make things better for everyone. I mean, kindness is attached to Cinderella in all iterations, but I think the stage show is what makes that idea so popular. She cares so much about doing the right thing and making the world a better place. And the Prince does too. It’s why he falls in love with her- her beauty is her kindness.” Trinity smiled to herself. Privately, she was a big softie. She believed in romance and happy endings and goodness being the most important thing of all. She just didn’t believe those things existed for her. Still, when Victoria paid her any attention she sometimes felt that maybe there was a chance for her to experience some goodness in this lifetime.
“Hmm,” Victoria hummed amusedly to herself. Trinity scrunched her face, her body tensing defensively. She couldn’t help herself. She hated opening herself up to being made fun of. It was why she kept her softer side to herself. “What?” She asked tersely.
Victoria giggled, shaking her head. “Nothing, it’s just… you’re not normally so… I don’t know. Daydreamy?”
“ Daydreamy? ”
“Yeah, I’ve never seen that far-away look in your eyes before. This show must be your favorite, huh?”
You are my favorite, Trinity thought to herself. She nodded casually, “Yeah, I guess.”
“ Yeah, I guess, ” Victoria mimicked with a laugh that was strangely low and warm, a kind of playful Trinity thought bordered on… flirtatious ? But Victoria was not a flirt. And if she was, she definitely never was this way with Trinity. Tired, Trinity repeated to herself, you’re both just tired. She needed to gain control over the situation fast, before she did something dumb like flirt back.
“Anyways, why are you suddenly so interested in what I’m doing?” Trinity gruffly asked, attempting to fill her voice with annoyance so that any remaining tenderness that threatened to spill out was harshly scrubbed away. She averted her gaze from Victoria, burying her head back in her production binder.
Victoria gnawed at her bottom lip, wondering if there would ever come a day when Trinity wasn’t so defensive around her. As she contemplated how best to phrase her response, she could not help but get daydreamy herself, thinking about what it would be like to have a Trinity that didn’t get uncomfortable with being vulnerable. Some days, she felt like she was making progress. There were times- small, but they existed- when it seemed as though Trinity was going to finally let her in.
It was Thanksgiving Week, their sophomore year. Trinity couldn’t afford to go home for the holiday weekend, so Victoria stayed in the dorm and pretended that her parents had decided to take a trip without her. As Victoria heated up their frozen dinners in their shitty microwave, Trinity started to hang up lights on their dorm ceiling, precariously balancing herself on Victoria’s top bunk to do so. Victoria turned her back to the microwave, her arms crossed as she took Trinity’s concentration as an opportunity to stare unabashedly at her. Trinity’s complexion was dewy and glowing, her green eyes sparkling like a lake at sunset under the warm, yellow aura of the Christmas lights. She had gone to bed the night before with her hair in a braid, and now her long, brown locks had a soft, fluffy wave to them that, when coupled with her baby blue silk camisole, made her look like an ingenue in a Renaissance painting. Trinity hummed to herself, the tiniest bit of a smile dancing across her lips as she strained to clip another strand of lights to their ceiling.
“What are you doing?” Victoria questioned, her eyes wide with adoration as she took in how beautiful Trinity looked when she was happy. She rarely got to see Trinity happy. One of the first things Victoria had learned about Trinity was that Trinity did not allow herself to feel good. She kept herself guarded, acerbic, and otherwise stoic if she could help it. Victoria had spent more nights than she could count wishing that Trinity could not help it, and would instead just allow herself to give in to the softness she deserved.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m hanging lights, duh,” Trinity replied, but her usual sass and attitude were nowhere to be found. Her voice was light and airy, floating down to Victoria so delicately it felt like her words were a kiss, a tender caress upon Victoria’s ears. She giggled, “yes, I can see that, but I mean why? It’s Thanksgiving, not Christmas.”
“Oh, so you’re one of those people,” Trinity teased, sticking her tongue out at Victoria.
“One of what people?”
“A holiday purist. Who says today is too early to put up decorations for the holiday season that literally starts tomorrow?”
“I feel like that’s offensive, but I’m gonna let it slide on account of how cute you look right now,” Victoria purred, surprising herself with how seductive her tone was. She did not flirt. Ever. She certainly did not flirt with her best friend, who almost certainly would not appreciate her crossing that line. But. They were the only ones in their hall who had stayed here for the mini-holiday break. They had spent the past twenty-four hours together totally uninterrupted by anyone. And Trinity was not being herself- she was open, where normally she was guarded; she was sweet, where normally she was acerbic; and she was smiling when normally her face held a stoic gaze that gave no indication of what she was feeling. And if Trinity was not being herself right now, then why should Victoria?
Victoria watched as a light pink flushed across Trinity’s face, dripping down her neck and chest and into her cleavage and not for the first time did Victoria wonder just how far exactly that blush went down. Trinity mumbled, a slight stutter to her cadence, “I’m n-not cute.”
No, Victoria thought to herself, you’re not cute- you’re beautiful. She didn’t want to scare Trinity by saying so. Instead, Victoria opted to swallow down her words and choose new ones to keep the magic glowing. That’s what it was- magic when Trinity smiled at her. She beamed up at Trinity. “Fine. You’re not cute. And I’m not a “holiday purist,” I’m just surprised you of all people like Christmas.”
“It’s just… it’s the one time of year when it feels like anything could be possible. I like the promise of it all.”
“Trinity Santos is a romantic,” Victoria breathed in awe. Victoria’s heart tightened as though there was a string around it that only Trinity could pull. Wrapped around her finger was simply not an apt phrase to describe the kind of control Trinity had over her. Victoria felt tethered to Trinity’s very essence, all of her words and thoughts and actions and dreams revolving around whatever made Trinity talk to her longer, or laugh with her, or look at her. The fact of the matter was that Trinity owned Victoria’s heart, and she didn’t even know it.
“I wouldn’t describe myself that way,” Trinity replied. Victoria rolled her eyes, “of course not, you’d never be so kind to yourself.”
Trinity stopped what she was doing to look directly at Victoria. Her green eyes had darkened, a severe look shadowing over her face as she said, “maybe I don’t deserve kindness.”
“Maybe you do,” Victoria retorted, keeping her eyes locked on Trinity’s as she bravely continued, “I think you deserve all the kindness in the world.”
“Why?” Trinity whispered. Time seemed to slow as the air became thick, the mood heavy with all that was still unspoken between them. They were still staring into each other’s eyes. Victoria noted how Trinity’s chest seemed to be heaving as Trinity took deep, big breaths. Victoria, on the other hand, could barely breathe, afraid that the wrong exhale would cause dangerous words to tumble right out of her. “Because-” the microwave bell dinged, loud and repeatedly, shaking them both out of the stupor they had fallen under.
Victoria hastily turned to tend to their food, while Trinity went back to the lights. The rest of the night went like any other. They ate, they joked, they stuck to the safest topics- Victoria’s mom, Trinity’s latest theater drama, the weather- and fell back into their typical patter of “normal.”
Until it was midnight. And Victoria was still sitting in Trinity’s bed with her, their backs to the wall, their knees brushing each other’s as they pretended to watch The Magicians- Trinity had insisted Victoria watch it with her after Victoria had forced her to binge Sex and The City with her. Victoria’s skin prickled as she felt Trinity’s eyes on her. Victoria let her hand fall from her lap, and slowly, ever so slowly, she moved it towards Trinity’s own hand. With her pinky, she skimmed over the side of Trinity’s hand, testing. Trinity didn’t say anything… but she didn’t move either. That was all Victoria needed. She slid her hand underneath Trinity’s, delicately closing her fingers around Trinity’s so that they were intertwined. Then, Trinity did the unexpected- she slumped down, dropping her head onto Victoria’s shoulder. She pulled at Victoria’s heartstrings, quietly whispering, “thank you for staying this weekend.”
Victoria couldn’t help herself. She leaned forward slightly, placing a kiss atop Trinity’s head. “Thank you for letting me,” Victoria replied.
When these moments of vulnerability occurred, they never talked about it. Once the moment had passed, they went back to their usual routine. It was what was comfortable for Trinity, so Victoria rolled with it. Whatever ensured Trinity kept being her friend. It was just that it was getting harder to roll with it.
Time was running out for them. They were about to finish their junior year. Victoria was all too aware of the fact that soon, they would be graduating and off on different journeys. If they didn’t have to live together, would Trinity even want to keep being her friend? What would happen once they left this place? Would Victoria just become a hollow echo of a memory to Trinity, a faint whisper of nothing in the recesses of her mind? Would Trinity plague Victoria like a rotting that blackened her from the inside out, leaving her a shell of what-ifs? There was no telling, and the unknowing only exacerbated Victoria’s anxiety about their whole situation. She wished that she could talk to Trinity about it. It seemed like a cruel twist of irony that the one person she could talk to about everything was the one person she couldn’t talk to about her most pressing feelings.
But how could she get through to Trinity, when Trinity barely let herself be seen? Victoria decided to pivot, saving this conversation for another day.
“I don’t know, I guess… I’m interested because I’ve always wanted to try theater,” Victoria offered.
“ Try theater? ” Trinity repeated, her brows crinkling in confusion. “What part of theater exactly?”
“Isn’t there just acting?” Victoria eyed her innocently, anticipation fluttering in her chest at Trinity’s reaction. The one emotion Trinity freely expressed was annoyance and every variation of it, so Victoria took a special pleasure in riling her up any chance she got. Anything to get Trinity to share a part of herself with Victoria. Anything to have Trinity’s attention.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that,” Trinity scowled up at Victoria, trying to get her wits about her as the sight of Victoria’s earnest gazing upon her sent her heart into a tizzy.
“What?”
“You know what, you’re being…”
“I’m being?”
Trinity groaned frustratedly. Victoria knew exactly how she was being, but she feigned ignorance and continued to bat her eyelashes at Trinity. If she didn’t know any better, she would swear Victoria was hitting on her. There was no other reason for Victoria to be pushing and prodding and teasing as insistently as she did. This could not be how friends acted with one another.
It had been a while, though, since Trinity had been friends with anyone. She did not trust herself to read the dynamic between herself and Victoria objectively- what she was seeing and what she was wanting too often appeared to be the same, and she could not believe she was lucky enough to be loved by someone like Victoria. So she dug up the thoughts before they could root into her soul and make her bloom a delusion that would wilt upon contact with reality.
“You’re being stupid on purpose,” Trinity snipped.
“Or you’re just being cranky,” Victoria lobbed back.
Trinity crossed her arms and dropped them onto the desk, burying her head atop them with a groan. Living with her was getting to be too much. She heard Victoria shuffling around, expecting that to be the end of it.
Victoria refused for that to be the end of it. She crawled over to the ladder and clambered out of her top bunk, quietly touching her feet to the ground. She swayed on her heels for a moment, willing herself to be brave. She took a deep breath, and padded over to Trinity.
“T,” Victoria murmured from behind Trinity, hovering her hands over Trinity’s shoulders. Could she touch her? Would she let her? Victoria wondered how much of her time with Trinity she had already wasted by asking questions instead of taking action. She took another breath, then let her hands fall gently atop Trinity’s shoulders, massaging into them as she asked, “seriously. Are you okay?”
And wasn’t that just hilariously on brand, that the girl who was also miserable was more concerned about Trinity than her own dilemmas? Trinity shrugged nonchalantly, trying to play it cool as if her pulse wasn’t bordering on “heart bursting out of chest imminent like the disgusting creatures in alien” status. Her skin puckered, goosebumps spreading across her arms as quickly as the wildfire of a blush spreading from her face down her body. Clad in her silk camisole and sleep shorts, Trinity was feeling really freaking dumb about her choice of sleep attire and how raw and exposed it left her to Victoria. “I’m uh,” Trinity gulped, “I’m okay. Honestly, I’m just tired.”
“Aren’t we all?” Victoria dryly responded. Trinity was soft and pliable underneath her touch, as silken as the pajamas she was wearing and it made Victoria ache a bit that the only softness Trinity would allow herself was a vintage set of PJs a friend had given her right before she left for college. She never talked about the friend, but Victoria had the strong sense that the answers she was looking for about why Trinity was this way could be found within the story of whatever happened between Trinity and this friend. Like all real feelings, though, Victoria avoided pushing the conversation for fear of scaring Trinity away. Victoria fiddled with the delicate spaghetti straps of the top as she hypnotically ran her fingers across Trinity’s shoulders. What would it be like to touch all of her? She imagined pulling the straps down and letting her tongue run across the length of Trinity’s shoulders, marking her with her saliva and tasting her dewy sweetness; she imagined kissing and sucking at the basin where Trinity’s neck met her clavicle; she imagined letting her own hands roam freely down Trinity’s silken torso, teasing at the waistband of her shorts before dipping her fingers in and riling Trinity up in a wholly different way than either of them were accustomed to. Victoria imagined many things she guessed Trinity imagined too, but would never admit to. Victoria could hear a light hum in the back of Trinity’s throat, a quiet vibration that meant Trinity was allowing herself to feel happy. Her ease emboldened Victoria. She ran her hands down Trinity’s arms, exploring and caressing every bit of exposed skin she could as Trinity sat placidly. She was not normally okay with Victoria’s proximity, not in the open like this. Trinity required darkness and shadows and the guise of “both of us were just very tired last night” in order for Victoria to be intimate with her in any capacity.
They stumbled into their dorm hall, giggling, barely able to step one foot in front of the other. They had gone to a party in one of the other dorm halls, a singles-event for Valentine’s Day. They were blitzed out of their minds, drunk on cheap beer and the giddiness of each other’s company. Victoria was clad in her favorite pink slip dress, red ballet flats, and a denim jacket she had borrowed from Trinity’s side of the closet. Perched crookedly atop Victoria’s head was a red headband with two hearts on springs pointing upwards. She felt pretty. She hoped she looked it too. Victoria shushed Trinity as she loudly declared, “We need to be quiet!” Trinity guffawed as she fumbled with the key for their dorm, loudly whispering back with a twinkle in her eyes, “I know!”
Victoria laughed, clinging onto Trinity’s arm from behind her as she watched her try and fail to unlock their door. Trinity smelled like Victoria’s favorite vanilla perfume, smoke, and crisp midnight air. She felt Trinity shiver underneath her as she inhaled louder than she probably should have, endeavoring to soak up as much of Trinity as possible.
Trinity was wearing a green halter mini- dress, her favorite brown leather jacket, and brown doc martens. She never wore dresses, but Victoria had cajoled her into dressing up properly with her. Victoria was regretting how convincing she had been as she took in the sight of Trinity’s legs from behind, growing madder by the second that she couldn’t run her hands down them or be tangled up in them the way she frequently dreamed of being. Trinity finally opened the door, and they stumbled in together, Victoria crashing into Trinity’s back as they stepped into their room and closed the door. “Sorry,” she giggled as they clambered about their room, but Trinity didn’t seem to mind. She turned around to face Victoria, grabbing for her hands to help steady her. “Easy there, V,” she cooed.
Squeezing Trinity’s hands, Victoria slowly stepped forward until the space between them was non-existent. “I’ve got you,” Trinity breathed, and Victoria’s heart fluttered because Trinity didn’t know the half of it. She had her in more ways than she knew. Victoria swallowed thickly, getting lost in Trinity’s orbit, the limpid pools of her green eyes pulling Victoria like gravity. It was natural. It was what she was created for- orbiting Trinity. She had gotten Trinity to agree to wear her hair down; long, fluffy waves cascading down to Trinity’s waist, framing her face delicately. She looked like a fairytale.
“You’re very pretty like this,” Victoria murmured, her eyes flickering to Trinity’s lips. Trinity gasped, then cleared her throat. She snorted, “you’re very drunk.” Victoria opened her mouth, ready to protest, then thought better of it when she noticed Trinity was still smiling at her. She didn’t want the moment to end. So Victoria played into it, curious to see how far Trinity would let her push tonight if she thought she was drunk.
“Umm…” Victoria gulped, “yeah, I am.”
“Thought so,” Trinity smirked. Victoria shyly continued, “I don’t think I can get ready for bed on my own. Help me? Please?”
Her gentle plea washed the smirk off Trinity’s face, a gentle sort of reverence replacing it. She nodded. “Okay,” was all she said. Trinity’s hands found their way to the lapels of the denim jacket, slowly pushing the sleeves down until the jacket was pooling around Victoria’s feet. Victoria’s body tingled involuntarily, her skin prickling at every light brush of Trinity’s fingers over her. Trinity knelt down, letting her hands caress down the length of Victoria’s left leg. When her hands reached Victoria’s calf, she carefully lifted her leg up to pull the flat off of her foot. Victoria’s leg was dangling right in front of Trinity’s face. Barely, faintly, Trinity let her lips touch Victoria’s calf before placing it back down on the ground. She repeated the process on the other side, and maybe Victoria was inebriated because she found her hips starting to circle, seeking reprieve for the ache that was pulsing between her legs. Both shoes were off, but Trinity was still kneeling before her, looking up at her with an unbridled desire. Trinity never let herself be seen this way, typically, but tonight was not a typical night.
Victoria combed a hand through Trinity’s hair, brushing a long strand out of her face as Trinity snaked her hands up the back of Victoria’s legs, rucking up Victoria’s dress around her waist as she did so. She sharply exhaled a gasp as Trinity buried her face against her core, her nose tickling her through her soaked panties. She was embarrassingly wet, given that nothing had happened. But that was how it always was- nothing and everything happening all at once with Trinity, her pussy an ocean waiting to baptize her love and make her born anew. She bit her lips to keep a whine from escaping as Trinity nuzzled her nose up and down against the stretch of her wetness. “Trinity…” she rasped out, her hands bracing her shoulders for support as her knees became too wobbly for her to stand on. Trinity hummed, slowly rising as her hands clung onto the hem of Victoria’s dress, picking it up with her as she moved to stand and pulling it up and over her head. Victoria stood on display for Trinity in her lace balconette bra and matching panties, a deep purple set she had purchased specifically with the intention of being seen by Trinity in it, and now that the moment was here it wasn’t enough. She had her eyes, yes, but she wanted her fingers her mouth her breath her spirit. Every fiber of her being called out to Trinity, begging to be taken.
Trinity’s eyes roamed freely across her body, and when she stepped forward Victoria thought it was finally happening. She tilted her head, parted her lips and waited as Trinity let herself get lost in her. She ran a timid finger across Victoria’s clavicle, and when she hit the bra strap she followed it down, tracing along the outline of her cleavage. Soft, desperate whimpers cascaded out of Victoria’s mouth as Trinity’s fingertips danced across her cleavage, the throbbing at her core too much for her to take. She pressed herself into Trinity, keeping her eyes locked on hers as she helped her out of her leather jacket. She needed to see her now, for her to be as bare as she was. Bare and dripping and open and wanting was how Victoria wanted her, a mirror of her own desire. She reached around Trinity’s neck, untying the strings of her halter dress and impatiently pulling them forward and down until the top of her dress was bunched around her waist, leaving her breasts exposed. She wasn’t wearing a bra. Of course she wasn’t. Victoria reached a hand out to touch Trinity. It wasn’t what she really wanted to do. She wanted to let her mouth reach forward, to teeth and suck on and lick at Trinity, but they weren’t there yet. As it was, she couldn’t understand how she’d even been allowed to get this far. She splayed her hand across Trinity’s ribs, her fingers skimming at the delicate skin underneath her breast before sliding up to swipe her thumb over her pert nipple, marveling at Trinity’s arousal. “Touch me,” Victoria whispered desperately. She was dripping onto herself, her aching and swollen core in need of attention. Trinity’s breath hitched at the request, but she did not acquiesce. Instead, she grabbed at Victoria’s hand, pulling it away from her breast. “You’re drunk,” was all she said as she walked away into their closet.
Victoria’s heart dropped into her stomach, but her teeth were still clenching tightly together from the strain of holding herself back, from wanting and wanting and wanting and not getting. How was it possible to be hurt so easily, and yet still the throbbing persisted? Why did the rejection only make her want Trinity more?
Trinity returned dressed in an oversized t-shirt, her favorite Seussical t-shirt in hand. “Here, lemme help you,” she murmured, prompting Victoria to raise her hands so that she could pull the T-shirt onto her. They stood in front of each other, breathing each other’s air, a heat swirling up from their cores and enveloping them in the thick swell that was perpetually brewing between them. Victoria opened her mouth to say something, but Trinity cut her off abruptly. “I think we should go to bed now.”
But she didn’t want to say goodnight yet. She didn’t want the night to end. She was forever working to prolong the moments Trinity was too eager to quickly turn into forgotten memories. “I need to clean up,” Victoria tried, gesturing to the makeup on her face. Trinity stared at her for a beat, and it felt like a challenge, like she was assessing her to determine how truthful she was being or if she even cared that Victoria was the one doing the pushing tonight. Quietly, she grabbed her hand and dragged her to the bathroom they shared with the adjacent dorm. She guided Victoria, pressing firmly against her hips to lean her against the counter for support as she swiped a few makeup remover wipes from their container. Her hand gripped around Victoria’s chin, pulling her face towards her and stealing Victoria’s breath with the motion. Gingerly, she passed the wipes over her face, carefully working to remove every trace of makeup Victoria had painted on in the hopes of looking beautiful. Did Trinity find her beautiful? She hadn’t said, but all night she hadn’t taken her eyes off of her. It was maddening, to have so many of Trinity’s actions catalogued as proof of interest, but to have no actual evidence- no words, no confessions- to confirm that what she was seeing was real. Trinity took her time cleaning her up, lingering in places Victoria didn’t find particularly alluring but that seemed to hold an interest for Trinity- the corners of her eyes, the apples of her cheeks, her lips. She brushed over her lips once, twice, three times, each swipe setting off a cascade of fine-tuned tingles that sent a delicious shiver down Victoria’s body and straight to her core. On the fourth swipe, Victoria lightly cupped her hand over Trinity’s, murmuring, “I think you’ve got it all.” Trinity blinked rapidly, slowly awakening from her trance. She nodded slowly, “you’re probably right,” but she didn’t remove her hand from Victoria’s lips. Victoria swayed, leaning towards Trinity, daring her to let another part of her body touch Victoria’s lips, and for a second it seemed like she was going to. Victoria was going to have her first kiss, and it was going to be from Trinity on Valentine’s Day. But as usual, Trinity shirked, stepping back before they could make contact. “Uh…,” she struggled to regain composure, “I think we really should go to bed now.” She moved towards the bathroom door, meaning to exit, but her eyes were still fixed upon Victoria, fluorescent green glowing and calling to Victoria like a lighthouse in a storm. Devastatingly beautiful- that was what Trinity was, a harbor that was not a want, but a need for the surety of Victoria’s safety.
“I don’t think I can climb up the ladder,” Victoria mumbled. Trinity just stared, her fists curling and flexing at her sides. She nodded, swallowing. “Umm. Okay. You can share my bed then.” She gestured for Victoria to get in first, following in after her. They settled in next to each other, shuffling until they fit just barely shoulder to shoulder. The contact, however minimal, was too much and not enough. Victoria’s legs squeezed together, seeking the friction Trinity would not give her. “Did you have fun tonight?” Trinity asked. Victoria could only manage a “mmhmm” in response. “I did too,” Trinity said, “I always have fun when I’m with you.” Her confession sent a zap through Victoria’s body.
“You looked really beautiful tonight,” Victoria croaked, her voice wrecked and heavy with need. “Like a princess,” she added, “Your hair. I love when you wear it down.” She couldn’t take it anymore. She slid her hand into her panties, gasping at how slick she was. Trinity turned onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow so she could look down at Victoria lying on her back. “You really thought so?” She whispered, unbelieving. Victoria bit her bottom lip as she nodded, teasing at her folds as Trinity kept her eyes on her. “Show me,” she said, and it was all the permission Victoria had been begging for. She circled a finger around her swollen clit, yipping at how good the pressure was after so much flirting and teasing and almosts. “I thought you looked really beautiful tonight, too,” Trinity whispered, eliciting a whine from Victoria as she pushed a finger inside of herself, then another. She worked herself over, keeping a steady pace as she pumped in and out, heating up all over at the intensity of Trinity’s gaze on her. She closed her eyes, the tension building too quickly and too heavily in her stomach for her to handle. Trinity rasped, “stay with me,” causing her eyes to shoot wide open at the hunger she could hear. She looked over at Trinity and an almost animal-like sound gargled in the back of her throat as she saw Trinity’s right hand in her own underwear, feverishly rocking against herself as she kept her eyes on Victoria. The room filled with the sound of their wetness, the slick squelching of fingers shamelessly thrusting into themselves a dirty soundtrack that Victoria wanted to play on a loop until she knew no sound other than that of Trinity’s wanting of her.
A small cry escaped from Trinity’s mouth as her hand became sloppy and rhythmless. She was close. So was Victoria. Victoria brought her other hand to her pussy to circle her clit as her other hand continued fingering herself, desperate to be in sync with Trinity for once. “T,” she gasped, “I’m with you.”
“I’m with you,” she groaned back. Victoria’s hips bucked into her hands more aggressively, chasing after her release frantically as she watched Trinity touching herself, her panting breaths wafting over Victoria. They were close. They were so close. They were almost exactly where Victoria had wanted to be. Victoria felt a ripple spread across her body, picking up her pace as the knot in her stomach pulled and pulled and pulled until Trinity cried out, collapsing forward and onto Victoria. The knot snapped, a blinding light flashing as she felt the faintest of kisses from Trinity on her shoulder, teeth grazing at her skin as she came undone. They laid like that- Trinity half on top of Victoria, both struggling to catch their breath, to quiet the thundering in their chests- until they fell asleep.
When she woke up, Trinity was gone. She spent all day working up the courage to ask Trinity what happened between them last night, hoping to get her to concede there was something between them worth bringing into the daylight. But she didn’t see her until later that evening. As she heard the key turn in the lock that night, Victoria’s head whipped up from her homework to a shock. Trinity had gone out and chopped her hair into a bob. The message was clear- she was nobody’s princess, least of all Victoria’s. All the fire Victoria had in her belly cooled into an arctic chill. The moment was gone. Well. No. The moment was not gone, it was stolen from her by a girl who didn’t know how to give love much less accept it.
They didn’t talk about it. It became another memory they agreed to bury and forget.
It wasn’t that she meant to be cruel. If there was one thing Victoria understood well about Trinity, it was that her actions never reflected what she thought or felt about Victoria- rather, her actions reflected what she thought about herself. Somehow, that made it harder to accept. If Trinity had rejected Victoria outright, she could accept that she just wasn’t who Trinity wanted. But Trinity only rejected that which she thought she did not deserve, and that hurt in ways Victoria was wholly inadequate at processing. She knew Trinity liked her. She could see it in the way that Trinity stared at her when she thought she wasn’t looking; could hear it in the way her voice got tender when she said her name; could feel it in the way that she grabbed for her hand when they ran errands together, blissfully walking down aisles and dragging each other to their favorite spots. There was no doubt in Victoria’s mind that her best friend liked liked her. The only thing keeping them from being together was Trinity’s unrelenting belief that happy endings didn’t exist for her. Victoria wondered how many more stolen caresses, adoring glances, and praising words it would take before Trinity finally gave in.
Victoria wrapped her arms around Trinity’s chest, pulling her back flush with her chest as she leaned in to hold her. The tension she was carrying dissipated as she accepted the comfort Victoria was giving so freely. Victoria was a soft place to land. Why she kept offering herself up as a cloud for Trinity, Trinity wasn’t sure. Victoria rested her head atop Trinity’s as she murmured, “You’re going to be great at this job, you know that, right?”
No, I don’t, she thought to herself, but didn’t dare say aloud. Victoria hated whenever Trinity said something bad about herself, and while she liked playfully upsetting Victoria, genuinely upsetting her was another story.
“God, I think I’m just going to drop out. Seriously, I think I’d have better luck doing literally anything else,” she gruffed as she threw her book across the dorm and sunk back into the alcove of her bunk bed.
She was being petulant, she knew that rationally, but when she felt as lowly as she did now, being reasonable or rational was impossible for her. She wanted to wallow. There was some comfort in the displeasure of misery. She liked the way that itchy, buzzing, nauseating stabbing in her stomach and throbbing in her head hurt when she failed or when she was bad at something. It felt cosmically right when she was punished and held under the thumb of her own wrongdoing. She was going to fail this class. Good. It would be an honest reflection of who she felt she was- someone who couldn’t see a thing through because she didn’t deserve to make it to the endings the ones who had been left behind would never see.
She heard Victoria call down from the bed above her, “What’s the problem exactly?”
“It’s too much. I can’t-” her voice was garbled, words colliding into each other angrily, creating an absence of coherence. “Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoingandIthinkit’sbetterifIjustquitbecausemaybethisisasignI’mnotgoodatthisanyways,anddon’tbelonginthisfield.”
“Why do you always go for the nuclear option?” Victoria sighed, irritation creeping into her voice. “Like why does something being a challenge for you have to mean that you have to quit everything? That makes no sense.”
Trinity snorted, “of course you wouldn’t get it, you’re good at everything you do. Some of us aren’t so lucky.”
“No, I’m not,” Victoria replied tersely. “Some of us just work at it until we’re good.”
“Are you saying I’m not working at it? Because my copious amount of notes would beg to differ.”
She heard Victoria slam her book shut, heard the testy tapping of her pencil atop the book cover. “I’m saying you use good and bad as a cop out, like people are born good or bad, and you think you’re one of the ones born bad so why bother trying to be any good at anything?”
“Well, I-”
“No,” Victoria cut her off immediately, “I don’t want to hear it. Matter of fact, if all you’re going to do is talk badly about my best friend, you might as well just shut up and go to sleep.”
“Are you being serious right now?”
“Yeah, T, I am. I’m not having this conversation again.”
“What conversation?”
“The one where you insist you’re a terrible, no good person who deserves the worst and I insist you’re not, but you refuse to listen. It pisses me off. If you really thought I was as smart as you say I am, you’d believe me when I tell you you’re not a bad person.”
She was not comfortable with how eager and willing Victoria was to praise her and invalidate her thoughts of self-rejection and hatred. Grace and forgiveness were not kindnesses she thought she deserved. When would Victoria get that already?
“I don’t know, I guess I’m just nervous. I really want this, V. I want to make theater my life, this is my chance to prove I can do it and it’s not just a silly hobby or whatever.”
“You know even if you mess up, it doesn’t mean you can’t do this professionally. It just means you’re human, T. I have whole textbooks about being human if you ever need a reality check about perfectionism,” Victoria joked as she lightly kissed the top of Trinity’s head. Her lithe affection dizzied Trinity, sending her senses recklessly swirling around until she got swept away in a dangerous fantasy. She tried desperately to ground herself before that could happen. “What did you mean when you said you wanted to try theater?” she asked, attempting to change the subject.
Victoria became rigid, panicking at the question. Her eyes bulged, darting around the room frantically for an answer she could give that was plausible. She landed on a DVD poking out from beneath a pile of hoodies they shared.
Victoria hopped off Trinity’s bed, turning around to reach her hands out to her. “C’mon, sing with me,” she exclaimed as she struggled to pull Trinity off the bed. Trinity sat firmly planted, not giving an inch. “Uh, yeah, that’s gonna be a no from me. Thanks.”
“Pleeeeaase?”
Trinity shook her head, adamant. “I’d rather not.”
“You would rather not sing at all, or rather not sing with me?” Victoria jutted out her bottom lip, vamping up her pout. Trinity was mostly all talk- she had learned through trial and error that if she batted her eyes or plumped her lips in a pout or gave Trinity the right “pretty please” glance, Trinity would give in despite her best efforts to tell Victoria no. It was comical, really, how soft she was. Trinity prided herself on being a hard-ass, but the truth of the matter was that she was ready to cave at a moment’s notice if Victoria gave her the right kind of attention.
Trinity huffed, “you don’t play fair, you know that?”
Victoria giggled, rolling her eyes, “if I played fair, we’d never get anywhere. Breaking the rules seems to be the only way to get you to agree to anything. So?” She twinkled her fingers in front of Trinity, inviting her to take her hands and meet her on the stage that was the center of their dorm room. Trinity groaned, “ughh, fine,” but there was no real edge to her voice. Her green eyes lit up as she moved to meet Victoria in the middle, clearly happy to be cajoled into participating if only because it made Victoria happy. Victoria had learned over the past few months that Trinity would do anything if it made her happy, a curious conundrum- Trinity would not consider her own happiness, but she cared dearly for that of Victoria’s.
It was comical, really, how much they functioned like a couple without any of the benefits Victoria so desperately wanted. Victoria reached towards their desk for her hairbrush, singing, “We're soarin', flyin'” she held her hairbrush out for Trinity, who begrudgingly joined in, “There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach.” Victoria pranced around the small space of their dorm, one hand holding the hairbrush, the other reaching behind herself to grab Trinity’s hand so that they were haphazardly dancing in circles around their room together, “ If we're trying, Yeah, we're breaking free, Oh, we're breakin' free (oh).”
Victoria twirled to face Trinity, giggling with every step she took. “We're runnin', ooh, climbin', To get to the place, To be all that we can be (be).”
Trinity let go, losing herself to the moment, taking hold of the brush from her, “Now's the time (now's the time), So we're breaking free, Oh, we're breaking free, Oh.”
Trinity grabbed for Victoria, pulling her in closely with her, an inch and a hairbrush all that lay between them. “You know the world can see us, In a way that's different than who we are.” Their lips were a mere inch away, hovering above a cloud of dead hair clumps and bristles.
Trinity cleared her throat, stepping back first, like always. “Figures you would like these movies so much,” she teased, trying to find her nonchalant cool again.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know, she’s a science nerd who dreams of being more.”
Another brush off.
“Oh. So that’s all I am to you? A science nerd?”
Another almost kiss.
She had an idea. She had a wonderfully, awesome idea. She had a wonderfully, awesome, certainly stupid idea but there was no time to dwell on the stupid part of it. There was no way Trinity was going to get through this production without her by her side- as it was, the last production she had assisted on nearly made her quit. Ever eager to please people and prove her worth, Trinity had a way of taking on more than she could handle and never knowing when to ask for help when the walls began to collapse around her. She needed someone there to support her when she couldn’t support herself. She needed someone to remind her that she was only human, that she was good even when she thought she wasn’t.
She needed Victoria… even if she wouldn’t admit it. Victoria knew what she had to do.
Victoria hesitantly began, “do you remember when we binged the High School Musical series?”
Trinity shrugged, “yeah, what about it?”
“Remember how I said I related to Gabriella?”
Trinity snorted into a groan. “Ugh, please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say.”
Victoria had both of her hands clasped around Trinity’s left hand, which she was holding in her lap. Lately, she’d been wanting to hold her hand all the time- in line in the cafeteria, in the stacks in the library, on an errand to the grocery store, on Trinity’s bed as they watched a movie together. Trinity didn’t give it much thought. If she thought too hard about it, it would lead her down roads she couldn’t untravel. She turned to stare at Victoria, whose attention was totally transfixed on the movie. She admired her profile, the swooping elegance of her jawline that was emphasized when her hair was up in a high ponytail, as it was now, the way the brown of her eyes was almost like a dark honey in the dimmed light, the plump dusty rose of her lips.
Victoria’s lips curled into a soft smile, causing her heart to stutter. Was she smiling at the feeling of Trinity’s eyes upon her, or the movie? Trinity didn’t give it much thought, refocusing her attention on the film instead. Victoria started singing along, a sweet and clear soprano voice melodiously flowing out of her mouth. “ I've never had someone, That knows me like you do, The way you do, I've never had someone, As good for me as you, No one like you…” Her breath hitched as she felt Victoria turn to look at her, her gaze burning into Trinity as her voice floated through her head like a steady wind ready to lull her away. She kept her eyes glued to the laptop in front of them, avoiding acknowledging whatever it was that Victoria was trying to tell her by singing to her. Like everything concerning Victoria, she didn’t give it much thought. “So lonely before I finally found, What I've been looking for…”
Trinity’s ears prickled alongside her skin, all of her buzzing and on edge at the idea that Victoria was singing not at her, but to her, a simple melody from a kid’s movie to tell her that she was who she’d been waiting for. Nay, who she’d been looking for.
A flurry of hope fluttered about in Trinity’s chest before dissipating into a heavy, clunking fear that dragged down any goodness Trinity dared to feel. Who was she to think she was good enough to be what Victoria had been wanting? She buried the feeling, chalking up Victoria’s singing to her fervor for the film. And that was that.
Victoria leaned in further, her lips fluttering at Trinity’s ear as she murmured, “I think I want to audition for the spring musical.” Trinity could practically feel Victoria’s smile on her cheek as she pressed her face against hers, and it was too much and not enough all at once, the way her arms were warmly pressed wrapped around her chest, the way she could feel her chest rising and falling against her back, the way her fingers were still caressing over her arms, the way her breath was cool on her face, full of vanilla and mint and too many memories of almost kisses for Trinity to keep count of. “Why?” Trinity managed to squeak out, her voice wrestling in opposition of the enormity of want that was enveloping her as dangerously as Victoria was enveloped around her.
“I just think it would be fun. I’ve always wanted to be on the stage.”
Victoria’s eyelashes tickled her skin. She wanted more of her all over her. What would it be like to turn slightly to the right and let her lips touch Victoria’s? Would she melt right into her, sticky and sweet and vibrant like a popsicle on a hot summer’s day? Trinity carefully eyed her, turning to face her straight on. They were nose to nose. They were breathing onto each other. They were on another cliff, waiting to jump. She watched as Victoria bit at her bottom lip, imagining what it would be like to tug it out from her teeth with her thumb and caress over the plump, pink skin. Would she kiss her thumb in return? Would she suck her thumb into her mouth, worming her tongue around her as a tease before pulling Trinity into her mouth in its stead?
Or would she bristle and run?
She sighed, exasperated with herself. She needed less of her right now. She abruptly pulled back, stumbling up and out of her chair.
Victoria winced as she watched her fumble around, trying to catch her bearings and her breath. It never got any easier, being shaken off like a bad idea. Trinity crossed her arms, cowering into herself defensively as she began to pace. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
Trinity began to panic. “You’ve literally never done any theater before.”
“So? It’s college theater, it’s not Broadway.”
“God, the fact that you think that makes a difference is exactly why you shouldn’t do this. You’d be competing against people who want to make a career of theater, do you get that? College or not, they’re basically professionals, or at least they act like they are already. They take it seriously.”
“I would take it seriously.”
She wasn’t getting it. Actors were a kind of monster she didn’t think she could protect Victoria from. They were nice until they were not, and often they were not. It was the nature of the profession- when you were in constant competition with the people you worked with, how could you help but be anything other than conniving, defensive, and fake? It was their whole job to convince you of a truth that was not their own. They couldn’t be trusted with each other. They definitely couldn’t be trusted with someone as kind and naive as Victoria.
“They’ll eat you alive,” she choked out, not bothering to hide the desperation in her voice for once. “You’re too nice for theater, V. Just… let it go. Please.”
“No,” she defiantly replied. She was not going to let Trinity brush her off. Not tonight. She was done with that game. “This is what I want, T.”
“Victoria…” Trinity croaked, pacing towards her adamantly. She placed her hands on either of Victoria’s shoulders, a shock to both of their systems- she did not typically initiate physical contact of any kind. “Please. I can’t… I won’t be able to protect you from them.” She never dared to be this honest, but she was fraying at her edges, unspooling too quickly to stop herself from coming undone.
Victoria’s heart lurched at the sentiment, at the firm way she was digging into her shoulders. Why do you want to protect me? You’re so close to saying it. She wanted to guide Trinity to admitting what she worked so hard to keep hidden. She raised her hands, clasping them around Trinity’s to pull them off of her shoulder and down by her side, holding them. “I’m not asking you to protect me. I’m asking you to help me.”
“Yeah, but…” her voice sounded strangled by the things she wasn’t saying, like she was struggling to swallow down the words that wanted to swim up and jump out. Close. Forever on the precipice of a release, and never quite getting there. If Victoria pushed right now, would she jump with her or let her fall by herself? Victoria was too scared to find out. She didn’t want to wake up on the ground, alone without her best friend. She dropped her head, leaning her forehead onto Trinity’s as she murmured, “If you help me, I’ll be okay.”
“I don’t know if I can,” she hedged. “I’m not. I don’t act. I don’t know enough about it.”
Victoria shook her head against her forehead. “You’ve been in theater your whole life, T. If there’s anyone who knows enough, it’s you.” She squeezed her hands, pulling back to force Trinity to look at her. She smiled. “How hard could it be? In case you forgot, I’m like… really smart. Like, really. Between my brain and your borderline psychotic amount of knowledge of the theater, we can’t lose.”
“Well…”
“You’re always going on about how 90 percent of theater happens backstage, so,” she shrugged, “it can’t be impossible. It’s just acting.”
“ It’s just acting,” Trinity mimicked, scoffing, but there it was- that unmistakable twinkle that told Victoria she was on board. If there was one thing she knew Trinity liked, it was good trouble. What better trouble was there than helping the science prodigy land a role in the musical over a theater veteran?
Maybe it was because she was tired. Maybe it was because she had heard Victoria’s voice and knew she had a talent that had yet to be realized. Maybe she wanted everyone to see how incredible the girl she was in love with truly was. Or maybe it was because she was tired of always telling Victoria no. Whatever the case, Trinity surprised them both once more by conceding. “Okay,” she said, “let’s do this.”
“Yeah?” Victoria squealed, clapping her hands excitedly.
Trinity rolled her eyes, but a sly grin was playing at the corners of her mouth. “Yeah, V. Let’s get you cast in the musical.”