Archive of Our Own

“I'll tell you a secret, Sungchan,” he starts, and rubs his own hands, nervously. 

Sungchan turns to him. “Uh?” 

“I like to write.”

“I know that, Eunseok,” and he smiles at him, dumbly. 

“But I want people to like me. Do you think I like writing? I write, but I just want attention. I want people to like me.” 

“I like you, Eunseok,” he says, like it's the easiest thing to say. 

Eunseok feels himself blushing. They’re young. Sungchan is young— and he's always being stupid. He acts like the world is his. He's acting like that right now, all splattered in Eunseok's bed. He envies him a little. 

He closes his mouth, contorts it a little.

“But do you like what I write?” Sungchan looks at him from underneath. The hair strands are covering his face. It's long, he notices, he hasn't cutted it for a while. It 's pretty.  

He feels the urge to be by his side, so he does it. He no longer keeps his awkward sit in the corner of the bed and rolls his body. He lies by Sungchan’s side.

“I want people to see what I can do, and I want people to see me.” He continues, and stares at the boy next to him. He feels his jaw being touched by something warm. It's Sungchan; his palm. 

He gets closer and closer, then finally glues their lips together. It's a simple peck. 

It starts in the middle of May, but it kind of doesn't.

Maybe it started a few years ago, or it didn't. There's no right answer: Sungchan and Eunseok always had been there; together and not together.

Perhaps, it started in July of the 7th grade, with the blue and yellow backpacks. Or not, because they never talk: Eunseok is too shy, Sungchan is too busy playing soccer to care. 

Eunseok used to always see him, though. He saw him grow, saw him make friends, saw him score goals. He was always there. He grew up just the same as him, and while he made some friends, he still looked to the sides and wondered, how does Sungchan love so much?

It took a while for him, but when he noticed, it never left his head. Sungchan was lovely— in the literal meaning of the word. Lovely. 

He smiled, and you could see, even with a miles of distance, that it was full of love. Sungchan was bright, and in a way Eunseok thought he never could be.

He always envied him a little, you see? He wanted to be that kind, that excited. 

Eunseok was just there, all the time, too shy to be like him, too lost in his own world— yet he wanted to be as lovely as Sungchan and as loved as Sungchan. 

Maybe he wanted a little of Sungchan's love for him, too. He envied his classmates, always so close to him, feeling that love that Eunseok could never touch. He felt like a little boy, even if he was a little more grown up now, incessantly knocking on the door. Let me in!

He eventually forgot about it, even if sometimes Eunseok would bump into Sungchan in the hallways— it's high school, after all, he didn't see him as much as he did before. 

So it may have started there, in that evening at the skatepark.

And Hani is by his side, because Hani has been his best friend for almost 5 years. On that day, when Sungchan never looked back at him in 7th grade, Seunghan was the one to sit by his side and talk to him at lunch, even if he was a year younger. 

Then, with a backwards cap and the drops of sweat rolling down Eunseok's face, he sees Sungchan coming to him. “That was so cool, dude,” was the first thing Sungchan has ever said to him. It's the last year of high school.

And it's hot, that's why he blushes. “Ah, thanks, Sungchan.”  

He wishes he had said something more. He's not shy anymore — not like before —, so he doesn't know why he acts like that.

Sungchan nods and Eunseok walks away, taking a few steps to get closer to Seunghan. He hugs him from behind, putting one arm around his shoulder and the other on his waist. “Hani…” he whispers in his ear, and he feels the boy laughing. He can hear it but he likes it more when he is like that. Close.

“It tickles when you do that.”

He feels Seunghan's laugh again when his body shakes against his. He wants to feel it— Seunghan happy. Forever. “Hani…” he does it again.

“I think I like boys, Eunseok,” Seunghan tells him, months later. Eunseok feels himself blushing, but he doesn't know why. He feels something growing in his chest but he can't describe it. He knows it's good, though, “I hope that doesn't make things awkward between us… Don't be weird about it, please.”

“Of course not, Hani,” Eunseok smiles at him, and hugs him tight. They fall onto the bed, Seunghan is under him. “I always knew you were kind of fruity.”

He feels Seunghan pushing him by the shoulders. “Get off’ me! And don't ever call me fruity again.” 

He sits next to him. There is a moment of silence before Seunghan speaks again.

“I think I’m in love with Jung Sungchan.” 

Oh. He feels something in his chest again. This time, he knows how to describe: It's not good— it's kind of ugly, he knows it. It is hurting a little. “Oh yeah?” He asks.

“Uhum.” Seunghan nods, excited. “We actually talk sometimes,” he laughs. “One of these days I went to the skate park alone and he was there. We are friends now, I think. He even sends me reels on Instagram,” he giggles. 

Eunseok looks at him. “Damn. Can't believe you will get a boyfriend first than me,” he runs his hands over his own hair, pushing it back only to fall again in his face. 

Eunseok realizes he's in love with Seunghan some weeks later. He doesn't know how he didn't notice it. Well, he never really thought about love, he doesn't know how it's supposed to be. He had his fair experiences, but he doesn't think he ever loved someone— not that he knew, at least. He loves Seunghan, though. He does. He really does. 

He tries to ignore the feeling when he sees Seunghan and Sungchan talking. It 's for the best. He begins to talk to this girl, Hyeri. She's pretty and cool, and it's almost the end of the school year. It's the end of high school, actually, so he asks her to go to prom with him. 

(“Do you wanna go together? Prom?” She looks disappointed at him when he asks. Maybe he should have put some effort into this, but the only thing he really likes about her is her smile. It looks like Seunghan's.)

When the day comes, when he enters the bus, Seunghan is already there. He's sat by Sungchan's side and with that, he gets the message. He hears his laugh even from afar, then hears Sungchan's too. Woah. He doesn't know what to think, nor what to do. He keeps staring until he feels someone bumping in his shoulder. “Get out of the way, dude.” 

Woah! Rude! He thinks, but it's not like the guy is wrong— he is getting in the way. He finally sits in the empty seats, saving the place for Hyeri. 

When she comes, she's breathtaking. He wonders if he should have done something more. Maybe some flowers, maybe a limousine? Uh… no. That’s way too much. He smiles, and when she comes at him, she gives him a kiss on the cheek. 

He loves her smile, yeah. He really does. The purple fit dress is beautiful for sure, but that smile is what got him. 

They got there. They dance, they take pictures together. He feels weird— he wonders what's this.

He dances with Seunghan briefly. They lock their eyes for the first time in the whole day, and Eunseok feels something growing inside of him with the sight of the smile he's been obsessed with. 

It's not a slow dance, it’s too lively for Eunseok's taste, even. They do not have arms around each other, and they barely say something, but Eunseok feels himself getting more and more lost— in a good way, though. 

Hyeri must be tired of him at this point. She's just sitting there, scrolling down on her phone. He feels like he ruined her day. He looks up to Seunghan, and he thinks he wants to be there with him instead. 

When he turns, Seunghan is not there anymore. He becomes too shy to dance alone, suddenly. Being with Seunghan was the reason he wasn't afraid. Hyeri doesn't make him dance with her and he's grateful for it. 

He's serving himself a drink when he sees Seunghan's body walking by the crowd. He was thinking about getting drunk — he could go after these troublemaker kids who always have some alcohol with them, or maybe something to get him high. 

However, when he notices the face Seunghan has with him, he can't help but worry. It 's all too fast. 

He runs to him— Seunghan is leaving the hall. When he gets there, it's dark, the music is muffled. He can hear Seunghan's breath, finally. 

“What happened?” He asks, and Seunghan looks mad. Mad? Is it angry? Or something different? He can't tell. He feels weird; it feels weird not being able to see through Seunghan.

The boy runs his hands through his hair, stressed. “I think I just got rejected.” He says, and immediately smiles. 

Then, he starts laughing. “Can you believe that?” 

“What?” He 's confused.

“Jung Sungchan told me… Jung Sungchan told me he likes someone else. That… he can’t do this with me.” 

He laughs again. Seunghan laughs as Eunseok freezes. Then, he takes a step closer to the boy and wraps his arms around him. “It's okay, Seunghan-ah. What does he know about anything?” Seunghan holds him back — and  he usually doesn't do that (not at all. Not like that. He pinches his cheeks sometimes, just to annoy him, then caresses his hair, just for the sake of it. But never holds him, why not? Eunseok asks himself, why don't you hold me? Why do you hold Sohee like this? Why do you hold Wonbin like this?), but this time he holds Eunseok by the waist.

He feels his laugh against his neck… Oh. And he loves it. He misses it all the time, too. Even now. 

“I’m okay, hyung. I don’t care anymore,” he says and he slowly frees himself from Eunseok, letting go of his waist. He smiles. “I wanna go dancing.” 

“Yeah? Then we can go dancing,” Seunghan nods, but he still feels off to Eunseok. 

Eunseok doesn't really want to go dancing. He wants to stay here— with the muffled music, alone with Seunghan. Holding Seunghan. He dreams awake about telling him he loves him for a second.

“You can go first, hyung. I still need some air.”

Eunseok nods, not really happy. But what can he do? He smiles, turning his back. 

The music gets louder and louder at every step he takes away from the boy. He feels a little anxious, standing still in a corner, watching the crowd. 

He keeps looking to the back doors, waiting for Seunghan to be back. Then, they can dance together. He can hug him, maybe. He can hug him as an excuse, maybe whisper in his ear how special he is in Eunseok’s way — very subtle, because he is still Song Eunseok, after all. A little shy, a bit of a teasy. 

When he feels a warm hand on his right shoulder, he expects anyone but Jung Sungchan. 

Sungchan is shining, as always. Maybe it’s the lights, purple, red, yellow, all over his face, but he’s always looking like this in Eunseok’s eyes, so he doesn’t think so. 

It’s his charm, isn’t it? He's always looking like that, dazingly. 

He's smiling and he looks… shy? Is he embarrassed? 

“Sungchan?” He asks, confused. He should be after Seunghan right now.

“Eunseok-ah…” He starts, then takes a deep breath. “Do you want to… wanna dance? With me?” 

Oh? 

“Oh?” 

He 's confused. That's when he notices the slow song that's playing. There are people dancing all around them.

Sungchan keeps shaking his arms nervously, and his smile is still shy. He's all red, even if it's too dark for him to be sure, but Eunseok thinks so (and he's cute — he feels an urge growing in his chest; he wants to hold him, just for a while, just so he can do what he always wanted to do. Is it all true? Does he want Sungchan or just wants to fulfill this weird thing he always felt for him?)

“Why…” He asks instead, more of a mumble to himself than a question to Sungchan.

“Um.. I. Eunseok, I–” Sungchan starts to talk, but Eunseok can’t really understand anything. Then, he sees Seunghan coming. Suddenly, he feels overwhelmed. Sungchan's mouth is moving, but he can't hear what he's saying.

“Sungchan, I'm really sorry. I can't understand you— I… I need to go. I’m sorry.”

He turns, leaving him behind just like this. He wants to go home. He goes to the bathroom, instead. Maybe he just needs to take a piss.

He doesn't see him anymore. Jung Sungchan. Not really. He keeps thinking, what did he want? 

He keeps thinking. Thinking. Thinking. He keeps awake at night, too. He doesn't see him after that, even if they still have 2 weeks of classes, then the final exams– Eunseok just wants High School to be over, so why would he pay attention to his surroundings? He studies, he passes with honors, he keeps Seunghan by his side while all that. 

They don’t mention his name; Eunseok never lets out that awkward moment. He keeps to himself: it’s a secret or is he just selfish? Eunseok guards it (dearly?) on his heart, but he really doesn’t know why. He tries to forget, but he can’t. 

It has to mean something. It meant to him, just a bit, thought. It meant to the little boy he still had in him, that boy who just wanted Jung Sungchan to look at him. He still feels like a kid, really. 

On their graduation, he remembers the brief look he exchanged with Sungchan.

(He smiled… Sungchan smiled. He remembers well.)

Then, he stayed there, in Chicago. 

When the university days came, Seunghan was the one to call him everyday, telling him how much he missed him, and how much he couldn't stand High School without him (which was a lie, because he knew he wouldn't let go of Sohee's side any second of the day). (They still hang out every weekend, so how could Seunghan miss him?).

His first year passed by like thunder, but if he was being honest, he didn't do anything crazy. He was a Geology major, after all. What could he do? 

Seunghan once told him Geology weirdly fit him– and he couldn't agree more. He had his reasons.

Maybe it started when he was still a kid, when everything seemed too complicated but too simple at the same time. He used to collect rocks, you know? That was his thing. His mom smiled, even if years later Eunseok realized her expression was filled with disgust by his dirty hands and clothes. 

The world always seemed too complicated. He wasn't artistic (that's what people called it, right?), not at all; the abstract things were the things he couldn't understand well. His feelings were always late, his words were always off-putting, he had dreams but couldn't explain them well. 

He collected rocks; he stayed there, watching the land, the dirt that was kept under his fingernails. It was too simple. The world was simple when he was alone, soon after he jumped out his window to run to the small lake near his house. 

He was always too afraid to dive into the water, but he always felt like he could understand it. It was always different with other people. Even with Seunghan sometimes, it was complicated— once Seunghan said he was like a stone. Reliable. Stable. No ups and downs. 

But was he really? I have feelings too… He thought. 

He couldn't understand Seunghan well, but he never understood himself either. 

So he chose to understand the world a little better the way he could. He knew that orogenic belts were geological structures that originated due to the actions of tectonism and corresponded to the formation of mountain chains. He didn't know how people fell in love, nor to explain what that heavy knot on his chest was.

(He collected rocks. He wishes he could collect hearts.)

A year later, Seunghan moved out (and San Francisco is, in fact, too far away), and he did too– not of the city, but of his feelings. He really loved Seunghan, and for a while, but he was too much of a coward, always too late. He thinks they just weren't meant to be. (That's what they say, yeah? That some things are meant to be. That some people are meant to be. He repeats it to himself, and for a while he wondered why he and Seunghan couldn't be meant to be. Why? Why? Why?)

(That’s how the world works, Eunseok.)

And in that meantime, that's when he sees Sungchan again. 

He's stronger now, he can see by his muscles, but he still has this weird sparkle Eunseok can’t explain. He shines. He… just shines. 

And they're at a party, again. (Again as if the prom was a party, because Eunseok is that much of a loser). Sungchan has a weird haircut; his hair was all chopped– and he doesn't know why but he looks hot.

He is surrounded by people, as always. He feels self-conscious, because has Eunseok changed at all? He doesn't think so. He’s still the same guy, and his desires to be a little more like Sungchan are still only desires– not accomplishments. 

He turns his back. He was never friends with Sungchan; he's still a coward. 

He takes a beer from the kitchen. He was supposed to be there with Shotaro, but where is he? 

He takes a sip and it's bitter, he can't ever get used to its taste, really, but he keeps drinking. Eunseok thinks he’s becoming addicted.

When he takes another sip, he feels a hand on his shoulder. When he turns, he knows it’s Sungchan this time. It feels like a dejà-vû, it’s all too familiar. “Eunseok?” He asks. That's the first thing he says to him after a year. His voice is somehow lower, he feels mature but he hasn't changed much: he is still the same height (the thing is that Sungchan was always tall), he still has the silliest smile he's ever seen, he still looks kind, he still has sparkles all over him. 

His face is not purple, or red or yellow or any color tonight. Tonight, Sungchan's face is illuminated by the simple light of the moon and the low lighting of the kitchen. There is muffled music, and it’s all too familiar. 

“Oh? Sungchan… hi.” 

“What are you doing here? I… I never thought I'd see you here.” He thinks Sungchan looks warm, comfortable. Eunseok smiles back, feeling awkward.

“Me neither, actually,” he laughs shortly, like hahahahaha. “I'm here with Shotaro, you must know him… but,” he looks around, arching his shoulders and lifting a hand, “he disappeared, I guess.”

Sungchan laughs and wets his lips. It makes Eunseok distracted. His lips are shining too now. “You're with him?” He asks and he looks weird. Eunseok can't put in words, so he arches his eyebrows. What do you mean?

“Like… Are you two together? Is he your boyfriend?” 

Eunseok freezes for like, 2 seconds, then smiles. He feels himself getting hot. “Oh– no, no. Absolutely not,” he shakes his head. “He's my roommate.”

Sungchan widens his eyes, apparently surprised. “You go to Northwestern?... Well, I didn't know that. I thought you left the town.” 

Eunseok shakes his head again. “It's okay… I don't go out much.”

“If I knew, I'd have talked to you already,” Sungchan says, looking a little flushed.

Eunseok feels bad because he doesn't know if he could say the same. He always thought him and Sungchan wouldn't ever be in the same room — Eunseok would always be knocking, at the door or at the window.

“I didn't know you were here… all this time. I didn't know either.” 

Sungchan laughs. “It's weird, right? We're always together, so close, but not quite… I feel like the world is tricking us.” 

“I've always wanted to be your friend,” Eunseok says, out of the blue.

“Oh. Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” he nods.

There's silence. Eunseok takes a sip from his beer. He realizes how close they are. He realizes he's trapped between Sungchan and the counter.

“Me too,” Sungchan says, then takes a deep breath. “I had the biggest crush on you, too— for like, the whole middle and high school.” He laughs, but he can see it's an embarrassing one — their whole conversation was filled with that kind of laugh, though. 

He doesn't know what to do with that, nor what to think. He leaves his beer can abruptly on the counter behind them, then takes one of Sungchan's hands in a sudden act of courage. 

“We never got to dance,” and Sungchan looks at him, expecting, with his big brown eyes. “We should dance.” 

He smiles. “We should. Yeah.”

He feels sungchan let go of his hand, wrapping Eunseok's waist with his own soon after. “I've always wanted my last dance to be with you,” he runs his tongue over his lips again (is that his habit?), “it doesn't matter anymore. I'm glad I have another chance now— my first college dance.”

“First?”

“I don't usually dance at parties, you know?” He winks, “There's much more interesting things to do.”

“Then I shouldn't keep you here, right? Since you have sooo many more things to do,” he laughs awkwardly.

“Oh, no. You're the most interesting thing here.” Hm. Fuck. Sungchan must have improved on his game– he remembers the few texts he sent Seunghan and they were fucking horrible. Sungchan was a loser. “You're the most interesting thing I've ever laid my eyes on.” 

“Fuck off, Sungchan,” and they aren't even dancing, Sungchan is just pressing him against the counter. 

He arches his eyebrows, cheekly. “Are we already on the cursing stage?” 

“If it’s you, yeah. Absolutely,” he answers right away, and Sunchan laughs, throwing his head back. 

That’s when he feels a sudden buzz against his butt. Eh? 

Oh. It 's his phone. He lets go of Sungchan's elbows he didn't even realize he was holding on.

“Uh. Just lemme’ see this real quick,” he takes it off his pocket. 

It’s shotaro. 

str 🐐

eunseok let s fo home

Im fkcung goind tu kll Mysdlf

Winbin isnfuckingch hookinf up 

w8th fuckkss sion

FML MAN

FjxkA!!!!!!

Imma hang Myseld where ar uou

He crooks his mouth. “Oh, Sungchan-ah… I'll have to go, okay?”

“Already? Why?”

“I can't really explain right now. But– know that talking to you was really good. Really! We gotta’ do this again!” He says, freeing himself from Sungchan and taking hurried steps towards the door to go looking out for Shotaro. 

Then, he feels the eagerness inside of him. After everything… he can't just leave like this.  He can't be a coward forever. 

He turns, looking back at Sungchan, he sees his confused expression. 

He walks towards him until he's just inches away from him and leaves a chaste kiss on his right cheek. “Call me,” he says, and leaves right away. 

(“What? Uh? What is your number? Eunseok!” Sungchan yells, but he doesn't think Eunseok can hear him anymore.)

He starts seeing Sungchan everywhere he goes, then. The library, the small coffee shop at the end of his house street, on the way to his classes. He’s everywhere. He wonders if it’s the world trying to pay the them back (It feels like the world is tricking us, Sungchan said). 

He also believes in the possibility that if Eunseok wasn’t so away from himself all the time he would have seen Sungchan sooner — his classmates tell him that he is always daydreaming, others tell him he looks like he’s disassociating from his body all the time.

Maybe that 's it. There's not such a thing as the universe, and being meant to be. He sees him everywhere because he's always looking out for him; he turns his head, side to side, scanning every room he goes. He's aware of his surroundings now. He's always wanting for a certain someone. 

Or maybe not. Maybe it 's both. Maybe it’s none. He doesn’t care at all.

(He looks at his phone. 

jungsngchan started following you.)

(He starts to understand why people love a little better. He still can't put it in words — it's too much for him — but he can feel it, day by day. He feels it when Sungchan smiles at him, speeding his walk every time he sees him, or when Sungchan never stops sending him reels. He understands when Eunseok can’t stop talking about Frieren and when he slows down, takes a breath and looks closely at the boy in front of him, he notices the sparkles coming out and the invisible pointed ears, listening to everything he's saying like an excited dog. He feels shy; he feels it growing. 

There's a stone shaped like Sungchan's heart on his shelf.)

The first time he kisses Sungchan, they're in his room. They’re watching a movie Eunseok thought would be boring, if he's being honest. It's about a geologist traveling alone, after all. 

It's beautiful, though. That's everything Eunseok can think of. He would put in words if he could, but he can't. He's not the best at it and it's annoying. 

The geologist talks slowly, calmly. There's a hint of loneliness at every word, at every take of the camera. He thinks the geologist is full of love. He wonders what Sungchan thinks. 

The geologist meets people, the geologist leaves people. That's what it comes with traveling; that's what comes in life. People come, people go and people stay— it's life.

When he turns, Sungchan is focused, watching the small TV he has in his small room. Even the bed is small to fit both of them (or maybe they're too big.) 

He turns, and now that Sungchan stayed, he doesn't want him to leave. After all this time, waiting for something he thought would never come, he can't let it go. So he leans towards him, closer and closer into the boy. 

Sungchan turns. 

Eunseok widens his eyes, as a kid getting caught by the mother, but keeps going. He stops when he's face to face with Sungchan. 

Sungchan smiles. He feels his hands running over his arms and feels some goosebumps down all his body. He's warm; his touch and breath. Then, he feels that warm hand cupping his face— Sungchan kisses him.

He thinks it's like a volcano. 

In his first semester, he watched a video of a vulcanian eruption for the first time. 

Hunga Tonga-Hunga Haʻapai, in the southwest Pacific Ocean, exploded with such force that it triggered the most intense lightning storm ever recorded and the first mega tsunami documented since antiquity. It was found that the explosion ejected approximately 30% of its magma from a shallow central chamber, which caused the volcano's roof to collapse and form a bowl-shaped depression called a caldera, approximately 0,5 miles deep. As the pressure in the central reservoir decreased after the explosion, magma stored in a deeper reservoir to the north may have broken through the crust and refilled the central reservoir, opening a channel between the two chambers.

He sat there, right in the same spot, and cried. He doesn't know why. He felt something on his chest that night, something rare for him to feel. The footage of the volcano exploding was terribly scary, yet terribly beautiful— “that's life, isn’t it?” He remembers thinking. People die, everything is destroyed, and yet it's still a spectacle. Life.

His tongue is warm, his hands are warm. The brush of their thighs against each other makes Eunseok shrive. Life.

He can count in hand all the times he felt like this: when he took Seunghan to the airport, when he hugged him tightly and watched him leaving shortly after. And even though he knew this bitter feeling would follow him around as he'd miss the boy a lot, he was not quite sad, because the thought of the Seunghan he watched growing up following his dreams was enough to fill his mouth with a sweet taste. That time too, on his graduation, watching everything and everyone, thinking about his future, scared of finishing school. He sat there, feeling empty and fulfilled, all the same.

Then, the very first time he felt like this, at a young age he can't remember well, like 11 or 12 — he was never interested in soccer, and except for the few football games he watched on TV, he never saw one live. So, at the bleacher, the anxiety eating him up, he felt it when Sungchan scored the goal that would decide the game. (He watched as people surrounded him, pulling him in as they jumped, excited. He wanted to be there, too.) It was new for him, and as the tears started rolling down his face, it was Seunghan who pushed him, laughing. “Eunseok is crying!” He remembers laughing, pushing him back. 

Kissing Sungchan terrifies him— letting him in his heart terrifies him, and yet, he's hot, like lava rolling down its surface, ready to burn and destroy, and he's beautiful, everything about Sungchan is beautiful. It’s natural. It's a spectacle. (It terrifies him that both the first and last time he felt like this was Sungchan’s doing.)

When they part, Sungchan laughs. He’s still holding his face and they are still too close. “You're red,” he says.

“I– Well. I just blush easily.” 

“You don't need to be shy around me, baby,” he lets out, low, and Eunseok arches his eyebrows.

“I'm not shy… fuck off,” and Sungchan laughs again. He feels himself being pulled in, and they're laying in the bed now. He's on his stomach between Sungchan's torso and arm, and Sungchan's hands are in the low of his back. He's staring at him, smiling stupid. (He thinks about making a joke about burgers and Sungchan's love for them and him looking at him like he's a burger. Or something like that. He saves it for next time.)

“I'm not shy,” he repeats but still lays his head on Sungchan’s chest and turns his face to the opposite side of the man's eyes, because he's a little shy, yeah. His ear is right against Sungchan's heart, he realizes. 

It's beating fast.

“Your heart is beating fast,” he says. His hand is on Sungchan's stomach and he feels the hand on his back slowly moving up, holding him by the waist. 

“That's because I'm happy,” he hears and smiles. “That's because I like you.” 

He lifts his head, turning to stare at him. He watches the boy's face for a few seconds before leaning in and leaving a little peck on Sungchan's lips. “You were my first love. Did you know that?” 

He realizes it now. He really did love him, back then, before anyone— Sungchan was the first. It's late but it's true.  

He groans, throwing his head back. “You make me fucking crazy, Eunseok,” and he feels his waist being squeezed. Sungchan kisses him again. 

Oh, fuck…  he will have to watch the movie again tommorow. 

(Sungchan tells him all about their school days. He tells him about the way he would turn his face away whenever Eunseok would look at him, and tells him all the times he tried talking with Eunseok, but always failing, since he was the only one who made him shy.)

So, they're back here. 

“Listen to me, will you?” Sungchan tells him, covering Eunseok's body with his. He has each hand on either side of Eunseok's head.

He's sitting on Eunseok's thighs, and then, he lowers his head. He kisses each one of his cheeks. “I like your cheeks.”

He kisses his nose. “I like your nose.”

He kisses his lips again. “This mouth… I like this mouth. Love to kiss it.” Then, he lowers even more, putting his mouth against his ear. “Love when it's wrapped around my cock,” he whispers, breathy. 

Eunseok smacks him in the shoulder. “Sungchan… stop being an asshole.” He feels himself getting hot, a little embarrassed, a little tempted. 

Sungchan laughs. “Isn't it true? You like it as much as me, too.” 

Eunseok rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Sungchan. You just ruined everything.” 

Sungchan smirks. He reaches for one of Eunseok's hands, he holds it against his chest, then raises it until it touches his lips. He kisses it. “Love those hands, Eunseok… that write. That touches me.” He kisses it again, then lowers his body until he's chest to chest with Eunseok. He kisses his lips and whispers in his ear. “That makes me feel good… so good, Eunseok-ah.”

Eunseok feels Sungchan's tongue slipping into his mouth— he lets out a whiny. He already feels overwhelmed with so little… “Sungchan.” He whispers against his mouth. 

Eunseok holds him by the shoulders and pushes him, putting him onto his back on the bed. “You're an asshole, you know that, right?” He’s between Sungchan’s legs now, and Eunseok really enjoys the view. “You want me to touch you?” 

Sungchan is red, Eunseok notices. He's out of breath and he's already all sweaty. Eunseok smiles. “Yeah… touch me.” He asks, low. 

“My god. You're just saying anything to me, yeah? You're like a slut, sometimes.” Eunseok gets closer, kissing his neck. Sungchan whines at his words and whines again when he feels Eunseok’s hands on his thighs, gripping each of them. 

He feels Eunseok’s hands moving up, pulling Sungchan's shirt up to his armpits as he does so. 

“Since high school… you just wanted attention, right?” 

He slowly goes down. He kisses his neck, then kisses his shoulder. He runs his hand over Sungchan's stomach. “I'm not… I only ever wanted yours.” 

“Mine?” He nods, taking his hand to Eunseok's face and kissing him again. When they part, Sungchan looks already all fucked up. Eunseok would laugh, but he's as desperate as the man below him, honestly. 

He returns to what he was doing, going down with his mouth over Sungchan's body. Sungchan squirms when he feels the wetness of Eunseok's tongue on his nimples. He tries to hold him by the hair, but he's already running his tongue over the extension of Sungchan's stomach. 

When he feels the warmness and weight of something on his clothed crotch he pants, throwing his head back. When he looks down, Eunseok is there, mouth wide open around the bulge in his pants— he can see the wet spot he's leaving in the gray sweatpants. When he goes to hold his head, Eunseok is quicker, holding Sungchan's wrist. 

“Enough, Eunseok.” He asks, almost begs. 

Eunseok finally seems to hear him when he takes his mouth off of him just to push Sungchan's sweatpants down along with his boxes.

His cock jumps out of the clothing, and it's immediately wrapped by Eunseok's mouth, not entirely, though. He likes to tease Sungchan a little, wrapping just the head of his dick with his tongue.

He releases Sungchan's wrist, as an act of goodness, just to be betrayed like this– he feels the hands on his head, and just hears the wet, loud sound as the head of Sungchan's cock hits the very back of his throat. 

He lifts his eyes and can only see Sungchan's veiny neck, head thrown back. “Yes– oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah.” 

His eyes are starting to become watery, he knows he's about to gag. He taps on Sungchan's thigh, aggressively and he's released.

He starts to cough, immediately. “You're an asshole,” he says, voice hoarse, already all fucked up. 

“Can't I be mean just for once? You're always mean,” he smiles, cheekly. 

“Where's that guy I started dating? ‘Are you okay? Eunseok-ah, is this too deep? Careful, baby’,” he starts, mocking him with a sweet melodramatic voice he uses whenever he wants to tease Sungchan.

He rolls his eyes.

“Come on… I don't wanna hear you talking anymore.” He puts a hand on Eunseok's head, not really doing anything, and the other he's holding his dick by the base, as if offering. Eunseok keeps an annoyed expression on his face but Sungchan can’t take him seriously. He thinks he looks like a cat trying to look angry. 

“You're done. I'm breaking up with you,” but still leans in, taking it in his mouth. Sungchan hisses. He begins licking it, little by little, then wraps his tongue around his tip, sucking it. His precome tastes fucking bitter.

Then, he finally starts taking him deeper, bobbing his head up and down in an unsteady rhythm, just like Sungchan likes — messy. “I'm going to come. Fuuuuck,” he groans. Eunseok's mouth is fucking hot. 

Eunseok pulls him off his mouth, a 'pop' sound ringing in the air. “Mouth or face?” He asks.

“Ah– fuck,” Sungchan lets out, and Eunseok doesn't know if it's caused by his questions or him jacking him off while massaging his balls.

He covers Eunseok’s hands with his own, speeding his rhythm. “Put your tongue out, Eunseok.” 

With the other hand, he holds onto the back of Eunseok’s head, pushing him until he's face to face with his cock. Eunseok looks up to him, snugly, then does as he's told. 

He thinks Eunseok is a fucking sin— a demon sent to end his life. He speeds both of their hands, feeling at the edge. He bucks his hips unconsciously, driven by the despair of being so close. The side of his shaft accidentally touches the wet warm tongue out for him, and that’s when it’s over for him. “Damn it…”

Sungchan sees when the white liquid comes out, spilling everywhere. On their hand, on his stomach, right on Eunseok's face– on his tongue, on his cheeks, on his chin. 

Eunseok makes a disgusted face with the eyes closed, but Sungchan still sees when he gulps, swallowing everything inside of his mouth. 

He opens his eyes. “You taste disgusting. I'm never blowing you again,” he takes off his hand of Sungchan's cock, and before he can clean the cum on his face, Sungchan stops him, running both his index and middle finger through his face, gathering all the remnants of the white liquid and sticking it between eunseok's parted lips. 

“Uhum. Sure,” he says, fucking his fingers in and out of Eunseok's mouth like he wants. Then, he takes them off, putting them on his own mouth after. “I don't know. It tastes like nothing to me.” 

Eunseok is red, with teary eyes. “You're really an asshole. And you really need to eat more fruit— if we ever break up I'm blaming all the shit you eat.” 

Sungchan sits on the bed, putting his dick back on the pants. He pulls Eunseok by the waist to sit close to him. He ends up on his knees between the man's legs. “You know I just eat the food you cook, baby.” 

“That's just a huge lie, Sungchan. You order burgers everyday!” He argues, but Sungchan doesn't argue back and just pouts. He cups Eunseok's face and kisses him– just a brush of lips, actually. 

“Whatever my baby says… If you cut them for me I'll eat whatever my baby wants…” he looks at him, dearly. Eunseoks gives him another peck. 

“I need to shower. I don’t like having… a cummed face? I don't know. It's a sensorial thing or whatever that means.” Sungchan laughs nasally, caressing his cheek with a thumb. 

“Can I finger you before?” 

Eunseok looks at him with pouty lips, contemplating his request.

“I guess you can.” 

Sungchan smiles. “Yay,” He says, and Eunseok kind of wants to strangle him. 

They kiss. 

(It doesn't matter when it starts, after all. Eunseok doesn't care when it started, or where. He just wants to keep Sungchan by his side. He doesn't know when it starts, he just wants it to never end.)