Chapter Text
Present Day: Seoul, South Korea, February 2031
Silence…
”Mr. Ahn…? Mr. Ahn Suho?”
1… 2… 3…
”Yes. Sorry ma’am, what was the question again?”
A small awkward chuckle comes from the interviewer, “Yes, well so far we have covered your recent win, your training methods, coaches, and inspiration. But, there is one more topic many of your fans have been dying to have insight on… romance. Is there anyone special? A first love? Something of the sort?”
…
Strangely, it is the first time he had been asked that question. It had caught him a bit off guard. He felt a knot in his stomach grow; slowly turning, and the ache rising as memories began to creep in.
It has been close to 5 years since that day…
5 years since the day the only person he had ever loved had gotten on a plane and never looked back. It was the worst day of Suho’s life, and the weeks and months following had only added to the pain.
He had been staring at the floor, fiddling with his fingers, when he realized he had not answered the question yet.
Looking up, he answered with a small tremble in his voice, ”Uh well currently, there is no one of special importance. I am more focused on my career, I have been working really hard, not only for my self improvement but also for my supporters,”
”Ah, so no one special right now,” she continued, “but has there been anyone before?”
”Yes, there was someone. Once,” He replied after a prolonged pause. The “Once” weighed in the air for a bit too long.
“Oh? Could you divulge more on that?”
Shaking his head, Suho replied with a simple yet firm, ”No”.
The interviewer sensed the tension, “I am guessing it’s something fresh?”
“…It’s just something I don't want to share,”
”That’s alright. We all have our boundaries. Let’s move on…”
The interview went by in a blur. The question stumped him, it felt like he was on autopilot for the rest of it. Arriving at his regular boxing gym, it was dark as usual, the lights were dim, only illuminating the boxing equipment. He finds Gotak inside repeatedly hitting the punching bag with his blue gloves, wearing a matching blue colored hoodie, along with black shorts.
Spotting Suho, Gotak yells out, ”Oh hey! How did that interview go?” Waving him over. “It went fine,” Suho replied shortly following a sigh.
“You alright? What’s with that face?” Gotak asked, while using his left hand to point at Suho’s furrowed brows. “Nothing. I just— the interviewer, she asked me a question that caught me off guard and messed up my mood,” he replied, lifting up his hand, using his palm to massage the space between his brows, relaxing his face.
“Well what did she ask?” Gotak asks, now taking a seat at the edge of the boxing ring. Suho paused for a moment, deciding whether or not he should tell him. He knows once he tells him, Gotak will know why his mood has shifted. He takes a deep breath before saying, “She started asking questions about my love life. Really— it wasn’t that bad, it just startled me a bit”. That last part he adds to try to make it sound less awkward.
“Ahh… So… did you answer it?” Gotak was now starting to sound like the interviewer to Suho, trying to pry answers out of him. “Kinda, I guess. I just told her that I don't like talking about it,” Suho was now picking up his boxing gloves, fitting them into his hands.
“Alright,” raising both hands, “I’ll stop prying and pretend I don't know who this is about,” Gotak sighs as he gets off the edge of the ring. “But talk to me when you want to, alright?”
”I will, thanks”
“Great. Oh and by the way, I want to go eat some pork belly after, so hurry up with your training,”
Suho gives him a little nod before approaching the red, 80 lb punching bag.
The atmosphere of the gym is warm- slightly too warm for Suho’s liking. There’s a weight in the air; the smell of sweat and the leather of his gloves clashing against the punching bag is becoming more noticeable to Suho. He stops mid punch, moving his arms away quickly he turns to take out his headphones, pushing them into his ears.
“ You alright? What’s with that face?”
His mind keeps going back to what Gotak asked him not even 40 minutes ago.
Because no. He was not alright. It’s like he’s been stuck in a recurring cycle to what happened 5 years ago. He wakes up every morning and goes throughout his day hoping for those memories to fade, but they persist in staying. He knows everyone around him can see it, but won't bring it up unless he does. This is something he is not very interested in.
“but has there been anyone before?”
That one question keeps ringing in his ear, the more punches he throws, the more he tries to forget.
Don’t think Suho, just hit.
This is only effective for a few minutes.
He stops and yanks his gloves off, throwing them to the side as he heads to the shower. Gotak calls out to him, “Don’t take long I’m hungry,” Suho gives him a light nod in return.
Present Day: Durham, United Kingdom, February 2031
11’ clock, the time read on his watch.
The professor was going on about contemporary debates and at this point he had already zoned out, having already watched videos on this lesson made him less than worried about paying attention. Instead, he was focused on the interior of this lecture hall and the way it was built made him uncomfortable; the seats were close together, limiting the space, and they weren't very comfortable to sit on either.
The time now read 11:23 am and the lecture had just ended, and the other students around him packed their things in a rush as they got up. ‘Great,’ he thought, he could finally head back to his dorm to finish up some work he had not been able to complete the night before.
He was in the middle of putting his computer in his pack bag before he received a message on his phone reading, “Important information regarding transfer to Yonsei University”. He stared at the message for a minute as he remembered the dozen other messages, regarding his transfer, house listings, etc. He made a mental note to stop by the dean’s office tomorrow morning.
As he reaches the door to exit the room he receives another message. This time it was not another one of those messages but instead it was one from Juntae reading, “Sieun, I’ve been a bit busy lately, sorry for not being able to check up on you. Have you told Baku yet? He’ll be available to pick you up at the airport but don’t wait too long to tell him, he’ll be upset. Text me back when you can, really can’t wait to see you again!”.
He knows he should inform Baku— correction, should have told him about two months back when he had gotten his notice to transfer accepted. But he had always tended to wait these things off and deal with them himself, alone, before saying anything to anyone. He had only informed Juntae two weeks ago because he had started to sense that something was off and ultimately Sieun gave in and told him.
As he arrived at his dorm, Sieun sent Juntae a message back saying, “It’s okay, I’ve been fine. And I will tell Baku soon, just have to figure out how. I’m happy to be seeing you soon again”.
Taking a seat at his small wooden desk, he started up his computer and opened up the message from earlier and started reading through the documents and signing confirmations for them. This went on for a bit and eventually he moved onto his homework.
At around 7 pm, he wrapped up his last few notes and closed up his economics textbook. As he laid back on his chair, rubbing his sore eyes, he reminded himself ‘Just one more week left. One more until I’m gone. And maybe I’ll see him again…’
Past: Seoul, South Korea, January 2026
They were having a late night cram session— Suho and Sieun. Suho was surprisingly taking catching up on school seriously. Although he still doesn’t care much for school, he wants to keep his promise of completing high school to his halmeoni.
He had a lot to catch up on, but Sieun was on winter vacation and had been taking a lot of time to help him and with Suho still being in recovery and not being able to work or ride his motorcycle yet, he also had quite a bit of spare time.
Twenty minutes went by when Suho got up off Sieun’s bed, lightly stretched his arms and yawned, “Okay Sieun, My eyes hurt. Let's go out to the convenience store. I want some ice cream”.
”You want ice cream? But it's freezing and snowing outside,” he says looking over at the window.
“Come keep me warm then,” Suho said in a simple manner, as he put on his large coat.
Sieun feels some heat rise in his cheeks, a small blush. He tries to ignore and hide it as he gets off his chair to put on his coat. It’s thinner than Suho’s coat, he has always hated thick clothes because it makes him feel like he’s being suffocated.
“Are you sure that’ll keep you warm enough? I don’t want you catching a cold,”
”I’ll be fine, don’t worry,”
”I will. Let’s go,” he softly replied, walking towards the front door. He was still limping, but could walk on his own.
It had only been 6 months since he had woken up, but Suho had made a lot of improvement. Sieun had no doubt that Suho would recover quickly, but he couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t worried. He was worried all the time, not as much as before, but he would walk closer, sit closer, and overall just stay closer to Suho.
They headed outside and were about a 7 minute walk away from the convenience store. The snow had slowed down, the flakes had lightened, and the temperature seemed to go up. It was like the weather had changed for them, and they could both sense the shift.
As they were in eye distance of the small shop, Suho noticed Sieun shiver lightly in his thin coat, “Sieun-ah, you’re such a bone head for choosing that coat,” walking backwards to face him.
“I like them like this,” he shrugged
“That’s practically a sweater,” he teased, tapping his shoulder lightly, turning to walk beside him.
Inside, Suho rushed to where the ice cream was located, grabbing three of the same flavor. He directly headed to the chip aisle after and grabbed Sieun’s favorite flavor: shrimp. “These ones, right?” He knew the answer already but he asked anyway. Sieun nodded and they headed to the register.
After paying, they took a seat at the back of the shop, opposite the register. The sounds of the buzz of the freezers adjacent to them and the bell ringing everything a person entered was a constant, but neither noticed.
Half way done with his second ice cream bar, Suho turns to Sieun, “Do you like being around me? With me?”
“What do you mean? What’s with the question?”
“I’m serious. Answer me please,”
“Of course I do,” He was now facing Suho, staring at him directly.
“Good. Me too. I like being with you,” Suho looked down at the floor as he said this. Looking back up to meet Sieun's eyes, he asked, “ Will you go out with me?”
The question came out of Suho’s mouth very simple, and natural. It had been sitting on Suho’s mind for a while.
Sieun looked at him, a bit confused, “Aren’t we already together?”
Suho smiled, scratching his head, “Guess we have been huh? Guess I just wanted to confirm it. We never really addressed it,”
”Yeah… Guess we didn't. But we did now, right?” He quietly added.
”Mh hmp. Don’t try to run away now, I won't let you,” Suho said with a grin.
They sat there for a while. They didn't talk much, it's not like they needed to. They just needed each other.
Past: Seoul, South Korea, August 2026
It’s 11 am. Sieun has yet to turn the page of his textbook. Scratch that, he hasn’t even opened it.
He has been holding back on telling Suho the truth he has known for the past 4 months. It had slowly been taking a toll on him. Not just mentally, but also physically. He would start fidgeting with his finger, legs would start to shake, and shoulders get tense. Like how he was doing now.
He and Suho had planned to study together at the library today. That's where he was, waiting, at the library for Suho. Except, Sieun knows they won’t be studying, but telling Suho that they would was the only way Sieun could make himself strong enough to tell Suho the truth.
He can't back down now. Waiting any longer would hurt Suho more, and Sieun not telling Suho sooner has already been indirectly causing Suho pain. Pain Suho was not aware of yet.
It was 11:29 am now, they had agreed to meet up at 11: 20 am. Sieun kept glancing at the glass door, impatiently waiting, yet was glad Suho was late. Not even a minute later, he sees Suho through the glass door, opening it quickly.
His eyes scan the room and land on Sieun’s within seconds. He smiles brightly walking towards Sieun in a rush. As he reaches him, he opens his arms to pull Sieun into a hug. Knowing this will be their last one, Sieun wraps his arms tighter than usual.
“Hey angel, sorry I’m late, the bus ran behind,” Suho whispered. He continued, “Have you been waiting for me? Why is your book closed? I read that one chapter like I promised,”
Sieun smiled. He smiled but the smile didn't reach his eyes. “ You alright Sieun-ah?” whispering as he takes the seat right next to Sieun’s.
Sieun looks down at the ground preparing himself for what he was going to say. Looking back up, he could already feel his eyes start to sting, “Suho-yah, I have something I need to tell you”.
Suho gives a soft awkward chuckle, “Um okay…You’re making me a bit worried now. I haven’t done anything wrong right? What’s wrong?”
Sieun shakes his head softly, “No you haven’t. We— we won't be studying today”. Turning his head slightly in confusion, “Uh okay? You just want to hang out for today?”
“No Suho. I need to tell you something important,”
”Okay, I’m all ears. What’s up,”
“I got into Durham,”
Suho with an even more confused look asked, “Isn’t that in the UK? You got in? When did you apply?”
“Suho-yah. I'll tell you everything,” reaching for his hands, he held them gently, “I applied back in March at the request of my parents and got accepted in May”.
”But I thought you were planning on attending Seoul National. Why didn't you tell me?” Suho had started to gather what Sieun was trying to tell him, “Wait. You’re leaving? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
”Suho, let me explain. Yes, at first my plan was to attend Seoul National because they were the first to update on my acceptance. But when the letter from Durham arrived in May, my parents decided I should attend there instead,”
“All I’m hearing right now is your parents this, your parents that. Since when have you listened to your parents?”
”Since I realized that staying here could hurt you more than leaving,”
He had already removed his hands from Sieun’s at this point, “Yeah? And what the hell does that mean Sieun?”
Sieun turned his face momentarily to the window as tears filled his eyes, “Suho— I have watched you work hard to rebuild your life, one that was destroyed for my sake. I can’t make you choose between me and your recovery.”
”Is that what this is about? Do you seriously blame yourself? Do you think you’d be holding me back?”
“No. But Suho, I know you. I know you would have tried to follow me or waited if I had asked. And that’s something I can't ask of you. I can't make you put me in front of you, not again.”
He scoffed, “So is this it? You just decided this was the best for the both of us?” Sieun just nodded, because it was all he could do. Suho stared at the wall in front of them. He stared as if he was waiting for it to give him a better answer than what Sieun was given. He turned his head back to Sieun, he sighed, “When were you going to tell me? You’ve been holding it in this long. What made you break?”
This made Sieun look back down at the ground holding shame in the truth, “I almost didn't tell you. I even wrote you a letter. But I know I’ve been enough of a coward already, and I couldn’t just leave without saying anything.”
You’re the one thing here I don't want to leave behind, but I can't take you with me.
“I think this hurts more, Sieun-ah,” tears falling from his eyes, eyes that are growing redder by the second. “So is this it? This is our goodbye?”
“—Yes.” His voice cracked.
Suho gave out a small groan that sounded more like a cry. He placed his elbows on the table, moving his hands to cover his face, rubbing his eyes. “I would have tried Sieun. We could have made this work if you let us.”
“I know. That’s why I didn't tell you.”
Those words hung heavy in the air. And with that, Suho turned his face to Sieun, gave him a small scoff like he couldn’t believe him, before getting up off his chair saying “Okay. I have to go. This didn't have to end like this,” with a broken look.
Sieun didn't get the last word in. He didn't turn back to look at Suho as he was leaving. He didn't deserve to. He didn't allow himself to cry, not when he hurt the person he loved most.
Not yet. He thinks.
Present Day: Durham, United Kingdom, February 2031
Night Before His Flight:
Sieun sat on the foot of his bed, folding the last of his clothes in a military style, like how his dad taught him all those years ago. He had his luggage bag and random items; notebooks, hoodies, posters, planners, sprawled over his bed. It was a mess. He really should have packed earlier, but having to take the last of his exams didn't help.
He sighed remembering he had to take care of something he couldn’t put off any longer. Might as well get it over and done with, he thought, picking up his phone to call Baku. Baku picked up after the third ring, “hey, what's up! It’s been forever since we’ve talked!”
“Its only been a week,”
”Uhh yeah. A week too long. Anyway, what are you doing?”
“Folding clothes.”
“How exciting,” Baku muttered matter-of-factly. “What’s going on, Sieun? Everytime I bring you up around Juntae he acts like he’s hiding something. So hurry up and spill.”
”Yeah. Well, that’s what I’m calling you about. I’m heading back to Korea tomorrow. I have an early flight to catch. I’ll be arriving Sunday morning, and… I need you to pick me up.”
“Huh?!? Wait, are you serious? Sunday morning?”
“Yeah, I’m serious.”
“Sieun, you really have to stop doing that. Telling people things at the last minute.”
Sieun gave a guilty look, “I know, and I’ll tell you the rest later. But you’ll be able to pick me up right?”
“Of course. You know I’m going to tell Gotak right?” He rattled on, “Don’t tell me he also knows.”
“No he doesn’t. We still talk often but— I know he’s closer to him now,” he paused before continuing, “I kind of figured you’d tell him… kind of was hoping on it.”
Baku gave him an unamused scoff, “You know, you should be happy I like you.”
Sieun hummed.
“So, this is for good right? You won't be going back?” He questioned.
“Yeah. This is for good. I’m transferring the last of my program to Yonsei University before I start my law internship in two months. I figured this made more sense. I did what my parents wanted and now they can get out of my hair.” He muttered the last part.
“Are you planning on seeing him?”
Sieun knew this question was coming. “Eventually”
“You want to? Cause you know once I tell Gotak, Gotak will tell him”
“I know he will, Baku,” hinting at his answer to what Baku asked him.
”Of course you do.” He sighed. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes. I don't want to be away any longer. And I know it's selfish but I do want to see him,” now confirming his answer to Baku.
”Alright, fine. I’ll be waiting at the airport Sunday morning for you. Text me your terminal when you get here. Bring me something, don't come empty handed.”
Sieun gave a small chuckle, “Mm, I won't."
“I’ll see you on Sunday then. I hope your flight goes well, don't get too sick”
“Alright see you Sunday. Thanks Baku.”
“ Don’t worry about it. Bye Sieun.”
“Bye Baku.”
With that, Sieun ends the call. He finishes up packing his bag, leaving it by the door. He has to wake up early so he heads to bed and tries to get as much rest as possible.
He will be home soon. Whatever is left of it, he will try to repair. With time.