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Steve was an unconventional handler, the Asset had quickly learnt. He was insistent that he wasn't even a handler. The Asset could believe it, it would explain why he didn't follow regular protocol, but that wasn't the only reason. He had a feeling he was right, handlers were typically right but this was a different right. The things Steve told him -him because he wasn't an it- made sense with the malfunctions in his head. Malfunctions that were encouraged and called memories.
People had memories. Assets weren't supposed to.
He was torn between being an Asset and a person, ‘Bucky’. Steve seemed happier when he was more person-like, he did his best to maintain that mentality but oftentimes was reverted back to being a weapon. It was confusing, being a person made his head hurt but it felt good. Being a weapon was mindless and distant but it at least didn't bring pain.
He alternated between the two, remembering more stuff about who he apparently was. Steve, being the sweet handler that he was, helped him through being a person. Despite not using him as a weapon, he took proper maintenance of him as one too.
Proper maintenance in this environment apparently meant no pain. It was hard to wrap his head around but he was admittedly thankful for the lack of chair and electricity.
Being with Steve meant no punishments and plenty of rewards. He felt undeserving of such treatment but selfishly he longed for it. Perhaps this was why Hydra had him under such strict rules, he was a selfish person, being a weapon would have more desirable traits such as obedience.
Steve never demanded obedience from him. Only when it came to self-maintenance would he politely demand him to eat, or shower, or ‘do what makes you happy’. Sometimes he didn't know what to do in those moments, he wasn't used to happy. Being with Steve made him feel closest to what he imagined it was like though, so he'd stay firmly by his side. Even more so than he currently did as his weapon or person.
Bucky, as he'd been called by his handler, appreciated the rewards. However, he noticed Steve never gained a reward in return. Usually handlers would treat him and themselves by using his body, sometimes they'd use him for just their reward, which was fine because even if it sometimes hurt and didn't bring himself pleasure, he knew it was a reward in itself. If not that, then the handlers were rewarded with services like a successful assignment. It was the highest reward, being used.
Steve never gave him that kind of reward. He never used him for missions or pleasure.
Selfishly, he was such a selfish person now that he was a person, he wondered what he had to do to get that kind of reward.
He was too scared to ask. Steve had made it clear that he was allowed to speak freely but he didn't like to. Steve also told him to do what he liked, which had been hard to figure out what that meant for a while. He knew by now that Steve never indirectly commanded him either. So when he said to speak freely it didn't mean he had to. He could keep quiet even if he wanted to say something, if that was what he wanted.
He would figure it out on his own. Handlers didn't have to command him every step of the way, he often got some form of decision making. People always solved problems on their own too.
It could do this. He could do this.
He decided Steve did, in fact, want sexual pleasure. He was just too nice to ask for it. He always responded well to Bucky wanting things and taking initiative. He could easily take initiative for his foolish handler's sake.
Steve would be pleased if he could read his mind.
Current mission: sexually pleasure handler to the point of ejaculation.
It wasn't a hard mission to complete, most of them weren't.
Steve and him slept on the floor. It was weird at first, a handler should not sleep in the same condition as the asset. Should a person sleep on the floor at all? Bucky, not the Asset, preferred the floor either way. But Steve said he had his own reasons for sleeping on the floor. It was comfortable for him, he was still getting used to beds too. He'd sleep on the couch sometimes but recently he'd rather be as close to Bucky as possible.
Not for protection, he figured out after the first night. Bucky didn't understand the reasoning then, it wasn't like was going to run away.
Steve slept on his back, Bucky was awake and watched him longer than necessary.
Mission in progress, estimated completion: within the hour.
He didn't know how long it'd take to please Steve. Some of them took a long time to cum, edging themselves to see the Asset on its knees longer. During rare occasions they'd prioritize his pleasure which would neglect theirs longer. He had no plans to allow Steve to do that though. He's had too many rewards.
He pulled the blanket slowly off Steve. He allowed it to cover just below his thighs and beyond, hovering over his groin to get a better position but not wake him. He trailed his inner thighs with feathery hands, Steve slept in shorts so it was easy to make contact with his skin. His right hand continued the soft touches there while his left trailed up his torso to a nipple. Carefully touching. He had plenty of experience, Steve seemed to be affected without sign of waking. It was good. It didn't take much longer before he was hard under him. It proved just how much he needed this.
How come Steve didn't think to use him like this sooner if he needed it this badly? Steve was a slightly dumb handler.
He drew down his clothes just the necessary amount after positioning himself lower so he'd be in the optimal oral position.
Steve was bigger and thicker than his previous handlers and agents who used him. The lack of recent practice made it slightly harder to take down, he was worried his gagging would wake him. Thankfully Steve was a heavy sleeper. It was slightly concerning, he made a mental note to protect him carefully in the future when he was asleep.
Bucky actually enjoyed the heavy feeling of his cock in his mouth. It was rare that he found joy in using his mouth for someone, maybe it had something to do with the fact Steve had been so good to him, he wanted to make him feel good in return. His sucking became more persistent as he got used to the feeling. More courageously, he licked, moved his tongue, and hollowed out his cheeks.
The wet noises were loud in the quiet room, Bucky startled when there was a groan. It was early morning. Five or so, he hadn't been keeping track, didn't need to anymore apparently. He wondered if he could make Steve's morning better with this. Logically, orgasming helped improve moods. Supposedly at least.
“Ah- Buck”
Oh, Steve was mumbling, but was he awake? Bucky didn't have a good view, it was dark and the angle he was in didn't allow much. He didn't think he was awake. His breathing was different though, his cock was twitching. Steve shuffled, neither closer nor further, so he took it as permission to keep going.
More moans, it made his own cock harden, he hadn't realized he hadn't been completely soft. He happily sucked.
The cock in his mouth twitched in ways Bucky was familiar with. Steve jolted into a seated position just as his mouth began to fill with semen.
“Bucky!” It was less of a moan this time, torn between the stifled pleasure, panic, and regret. People felt too many emotions, perhaps it was good to be an Asset. The Asset knew he did bad though, it made his gut squeeze nervously and his erection quickly soften. He never saw Steve this distressed before.
He worried he finally pushed him to the point of punishment. He always vaguely felt like it was coming. The part of him that remembered said that Steve wouldn't hurt him, the part that only knew Hydra begged to differ. He wished those hazy memories were true.
“Shit- shit” Steve fumbled to turn on the light, both of their eyes squinted painfully at the forced adjustment. The light revealed that Steve had tears in his eyes that welled up even more upon looking at him. Bucky was still seated mostly on his legs, slightly bent still from where he had been sucking him off. Wide pale eyes looked at him hesitantly, cum dripped from his mouth and some had spurted onto his face because Steve had, unintentionally, harshly pulled him off in hopes to avoid cumming in his mouth at all.
“I'm so sorry”
“Don't be, I wanted this” Bucky reassured. He was being honest but Steve didn't seem convinced.
“Buck, you can't even decide what you want for meals, you didn't want this. Did you do stuff like this for Hydra?” His voice trembled like he was about to cry, his eyes supported it. Bucky had to reply, he was going to be honest but he hated that it'd look like he didn't want this. He did want this.
“Yes. Handlers often wanted sexual pleasure, sometimes I was allowed to cum too. I mostly focused on them though. Sometimes it wasn't just handlers.” He revealed dutifully, his voice changing slightly ”I didn't have a choice then, I chose to do it this time.” He sat up properly, Steve shook his head.
“Why did you choose to do this then?” He covered himself back with his pants and moved the rest of the way out of the covers. It meant Bucky was no longer over him.
“You've never used me for this, I felt sad that you haven't felt good but you've been so good to me. I wanted to reward you” he said confidently. Everytime he interacted with Steve it felt like a reward, it wasn't fair that the feeling wasn't mutual. He was well skilled in this aspect, it felt right to put it to use.
His choice was not the correct one it seemed. He was guided gently to the bathroom where he watched the bath get filled. When he was to clean himself he preferred showers, whenever Steve cleaned him he preferred baths, it felt less invasive than standing in a shower and sometimes he was incapable of cleaning himself so help was required. It was one of the first preferences he had learned to make due to Steve's request for the knowledge. Now he always respected it.
He never forced him to do anything.
Bucky was a bad person.
For whatever reason, Steve found it necessary to bathe him in spite of the early hours. He undressed and got in when told. The water was hot.
“I'm sorry” Bucky whispered, a wet washcloth gently wiped his face. He didn't look at who the hands belonged to. He couldn't bare to see the disappointed expression that was undoubtedly being expressed.
“No, don't be, it's okay,” Steve was so gentle with him. He didn't deserve to get bathed with such kindness. Literally and figuratively.
He started crying. It was quiet but heavy, constant tears and trembling. Gentle hands quickly stroked through his soaked hair, it felt nice but that only made him cry harder. He just wished he'd get hurt again. There were no confusing emotions when there was pain.
Order through pain.
Without pain there was no order, clearly.
He must've ‘dissociated’ because the next thing he knew he was back under the covers. The only indication it hadn't been a dream was his slightly damp hair and new clothes.
Sam and Steve had been talking when he walked into the living area.
“Good morning, Buck” Steve greeted familiarly, his eyes were red. It was clear that he'd been crying, at most an hour ago.
He didn't reply, Assets didn't speak. They both seemed to understand the mindset he was still in because they went along with it. Steve went to the kitchen and Sam moved to the couch. Bucky stood still in his spot for a moment, internally working out the next course of action.
Previous mission status: failed successfully(?). He never had that status before but it was the only way to describe how the night (or morning technically) had gone. Steve had not been pleased with him, which signified a failure, but the core mission to make him ejaculate had been completed.
What to do?
He got on his knees in front of Sam, perhaps Steve didn't want the attention to himself. He knew some of the agents who used him liked watching others have their way and not actually touch.
Sam quickly stopped his hands, not looking very fazed, unbeknownst to him the calmness was forced. They had talked about what happened. Sam had experience dealing with PTSD and reenactments of it. He knew that was what was going on. Causing a scene wouldn't help anyone. Forcing Bucky out of it would just confuse him more.
Bucky took the message that his hands weren't wanted, they fell back to his sides. Should he use his teeth? Before he could make that decision, steady hands held onto his face, keeping him in place. He was confused but obliged to the stillness.
It didn't hurt as hands went into his hair. They stayed there, stroking his head and rubbing circles with his thumbs. Bucky relaxed at the pressure. He forgot his self assigned mission. Sam smiled at him with encouragement.
Steve made a noise when he came back into the room, he hesitantly put the plates on the table before he got closer.
“It's alright, this is all that's gonna happen, right?” Sam looked back at him, he felt like the right answer was implied.
“Right. If you want” Sam made a soft noise.
“Usually I'd say that no, what's important is what you want. But this is something you're not ready to want and both parties have to want this. Consent, y'know?” Sam's voice was casual with just a faint touch of shakiness. He got off the couch and helped Bucky up.
“Am I bad?” He blurted.
“No! Why are you asking? Have I done anything to make you feel that way?” Steve quickly replied.
“You won't use me for pleasure. If I'm not bad.. are you broken?” It didn't make sense, he ejaculated just fine into his mouth. Perhaps he couldn't get it up while conscious?
Sam patted Steve reassuringly and left. A silent conversation, or reference to their conversation, happened that he didn't follow. Steve forced himself not to sigh. This was by no means Bucky's fault but if he showed his disdain then it'd be taken that way.
He guided him to the couch to talk about consent and why he couldn't have sex with someone who struggled to make their own everyday decisions. The breakfast Steve made had gone forgotten because he felt sick and Bucky didn't want food. He usually didn't eat unless Steve ate too or reminded him. He'd make sure they have a large lunch, for now, they sat together on the couch watching a movie.
Bucky was getting better. It was good they got this setback out of the way now. Even if there are bound to be more.