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“And then, and-!”
Kaelix burst into laughter, unabashed, loud and free.
Zeal watched him from the sidelines, satisfied.
He could never tire of his beloved’s laugh, and even now he struggled to keep his face neutral, because he knew all too well that if he started, too, there would be compounding effects for one very susceptible Kaelix Debonair.
There was only so much time in the day for laughter for an idol group such as By The Beat, afterall. Given the opportunity, Zeal was pretty sure that their manager would set aside a predetermined segment of free time for it in their extremely tight schedule. Zeal guessed that he would probably allow for five minutes between recording sessions and dance practices for their new comeback, and thought himself generous for doing so.
At least they could catch a break while they recorded interviews for their behind videos now, Zeal thought. Just sit down and recap some good times, for their precious Hzbeats.
Finally, Kaelix calmed down, Zeal noting silently how his cheeks were flushed beautifully from laughter. Eventually, Kaelix’s heavy breathing slowed as he continued his anecdote.
“So after practice, while we were all taking a water break, me and Zeal-”
“Kaelix. We talked about this.”
Kaelix visibly sank, but his gaze was petulant in rebellion against the firm tone of their manager.
“I just wanted to share something funny Zeal told me yesterday. I don’t see the problem.”
“I have already shared my direction for this portion. You are not to talk solely about Zeal Ginjoka at any point in time. If you have to do so, you address all of By The Beat at once.”
“It was a perfectly innocuous story!” Kaelix protested.
Zeal recognised the stubborn look on Kaelix’s face. Unfortunately, the manager could read it too, all too well, and knew where to twist the knife to get Kaelix to comply.
“So you don’t care about the rest of By The Beat?”
The rest of the boys were seated behind the manager, waiting for their turns. Next to Zeal, Seible leaned forward upon hearing the comment, almost as though he wanted to give the manager a piece of his own mind. Freo had held onto Seible’s wrist, warning him from speaking, but Zeal could tell that Freo himself wasn’t pleased either, from the way he had stiffened up.
“Absolutely not. I love these men!” Kaelix sounded hurt even by the suggestion, and Zeal internally wanted to plummet the manager into the ground for putting even an inkling of doubt into Kaelix’s thoughts.
Zeal settled for a venomous smile instead, directed at the back of the manager’s head.
Despite their collective displeasure, the truth of the matter was that By The Beat had no power in this arrangement, given the exploitative contract they had signed years ago. All of them had fought hard to be signed as idols in the first place, and knew what they’d have to lose in the process to assert themselves.
“Well, if you’re always only talking about Zeal, then what would your fans think?”
“But you never like it when I talk about Zeal! You’re constantly asking me to change what I say whenever I bring him up!”
The manager spoke in a sickly sweet tone, attempting to coax Kaelix.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with it, Kaelix… It’s just that we feel that it’d be better for everyone as a whole if you always mention everyone, together, and not show any preferences. Having preference is not so good for sales… We want to promote team unity as a whole…”
Zeal scoffed under his breath, but controlled his facial expression. Kaelix had been staring at him, expressionless, and Zeal gave a tiny shake of his head, a subtle sign for Kaelix to not push the matter any further.
Bad for sales? More like you don’t want your golden boy to be too intimately associated with any one in particular.
“Now that’s too much.” Freo snapped, while Seible chimed in with a “Get ‘em, Furi-chan!”
Both were loyal to a fault, so much so that they were ready to throw hands for their dear friend, but a glance from Zeal silenced them, and they both returned his look with indignant looks of their own, expressions that Zeal could read well after so many years of working hand in hand as an idol group.
This is an absolute injustice, Freo’s stony expression said.
He can’t get away with this again! Seible’s pleading expression said.
Zeal smiled gently at his friends, but his nails dug deeply into his palms.
The truth of the matter was: of course Zeal hated every moment of this. But he had to endure it. He was always the rock of By The Beat, the solid figure that they relied upon.
He had to hold back his emotions simply because their future was too precious to be gambled away by these people. While this label was relatively unknown, lacking the stability of bigger, more established places, it had elevated them from trainees to actual idols, allowing them each to begin their paths, towards advancing their futures.
Most of all, advancing the future of his beloved Kaelix. Kaelix Debonair, who shone brightest of them all, who surely was destined to hit the peak of idol stardom.
So why did Kaelix’s eyes look so pained, as he now stared speechlessly at Zeal? Kaelix was better at holding his tears back now, having greatly improved from his trainee days, but Zeal could read every crease of his brow, every line on his face.
Why can’t they see you the way I see you? Kaelix’s expression said.
Why don’t you see yourself the way I see you?
Zeal did not like seeing Kaelix with such an expression. Kaelix was meant to be smiling, always, meant to be eternally sunlit and radiant.
Anyway, it wasn’t that Zeal didn’t know his worth. He knew his capabilities sufficiently, knew that By The Beat could not be the same with any one less member.
But Zeal didn’t have to shine for the whole world. He was used to working behind the scenes, weaving together songs that would eventually burrow their way into Kaelix’s heart, into the tunes that he hums.
Zeal merely had to shine enough for one Kaelix Debonair.
And so Zeal willed Kaelix to be silent, affirming the message with a slow blink, and Kaelix held his tongue, changing the story as the manager had directed. Albeit, with a little less joy in his eyes, but the manager seemed satisfied with the take.
Which was for the best, Zeal thought. The grass was filled with snakes aplenty, such as Zeal Ginjoka, but there only existed one sun.
And Zeal would be damned if he’d let the sun burn out on account of one measly snake.
~
Zeal knew what the stick up the manager’s butt was about, if he had to be honest. After all, Kaelix wore his emotions on his sleeve, and anyone with working eyes and ears could easily pick up the joy that radiated off of Kaelix when he was with Zeal.
“Zeal, come sit with me!” Rapid tapping of the seat next to him, a dazzling smile on his face meant only for one pair of violet eyes.
“What did you say, Zeal?” When no one had caught his comment, Kaelix was always the one who picked his voice out in a sea of endless chatter.
“What..? It’s because I love him!” A careless comment by Kaelix, live on camera, leading to endless speculation amongst the online community, and finally resulting in a subsequent vod with liberal cuts to make it seem that Kaelix meant all of the boys.
Which to be fair, was true. Kaelix did love all of By The Beat with all his heart.
But it was undeniable for everyone behind the scenes that Kaelix was truly and unquestionably in love with Zeal, and vice versa. A fact that the company was terrified of, to the point where they went out of their way to hide it as much as possible.
“Our company will not survive a dating scandal. No matter what, the two are to be separated at all costs, in all forms of media,” their manager had emphasized.
Kaelix was not fine with this at all, of course, but Zeal had to convince Kaelix otherwise, with bribes of hugs and many, many kisses.
This was for Kaelix’s own good. Zeal repeated that to himself like a mantra.
Zeal was the older of the two, the one who grounded them, so that meant that he had to be the one to keep both feet in contact with solid land, gently holding onto Kaelix’s hand while he soared to unprecedented heights with his top tier vocals. Gently reminding him that they had very little left of their horrible contract, really, and they simply had to endure it.
And so Zeal watched protectively.
Zeal watched, as Kaelix was paired time after time again with the other boys, with other idols, with a smile on his face, while he did his job properly, as he should.
Zeal watched, as the company pushed edits of Kaelix with other idols, intentionally trying to take attention away from Zeal and Kaelix’s relationship, edits that he tried to scroll past when he surfed social media. On the days where Zeal’s pride could not hold him back, he would watch all the exaggerated ways they would emphasize every touch, every glance Kaelix had with prettier and better and brighter idols…
Zeal knew there was no competition, but did the jealous beast in his heart know?
Zeal watched, as they intentionally cut down on anything they could, to keep them spaces apart. Cut down on time spent, when possible, cut down on any collaborations, cut down on any interactions… it didn’t matter that all three of the others protested against it, as best as they could. They were promptly ignored.
That didn’t matter, Zeal decided. They could take all of that from him, but they could not take the real, visceral feelings that he felt coursing through his veins. There were many things that they could not take, when it came to Kaelix.
Zeal should appreciate that he was the only person on Earth who knew Kaelix the way he did, in his entirety. Kaelix was truthful by nature, but the world did not have permission to see the depths that Kaelix could display. All of that was reserved solely for Zeal, and Zeal only.
Zeal knew well all the different ways his darling Kaelix could smile and cry and laugh and shout, knew his secrets and his hiding spaces.
Zeal knew all the shades his summer blue eyes could take on depending on the lighting, and loved every colour he saw.
That is to say, Zeal did enjoy being privy to everything about Kaelix. Yet, a possessive part within him yearned for the world to know that Kaelix belonged to him.
A part that he kept buried, as he watched Kaelix from afar.
Kaelix was smiling on stage, a solo performance showcasing his powerful voice, and Zeal was seated in the audience, disguised appropriately with his cap and his mask.
Invisible, like the rest of them. Like a gust of wind vanishing into the summer heat.
In a crowd like this, Zeal often felt swallowed whole by the overwhelming energy that engulfed the venue. He no longer felt like an individual, more like a shared unity present only to worship the sun.
Yet, the sun gazed back.
For with every line Kaelix sang of his ballad, his eyes would remain trained towards Zeal.
It seemed that Kaelix would never allow Zeal to forget the gravitational hold he held, no matter how lowly Zeal viewed himself in comparison.
The soft look in Kaelix’s eyes was more revealing than any piece of gossip the company tried to push.
The persistent gaze of Kaelix promised Zeal the certainty of love, even in the spaces the world could not see.
~
In the day, their love had to be hidden this way, but at night, they would sneak into each others’ rooms, to the point where it no longer felt natural to sleep without Kaelix’s body pressed against his, his soft breath by his ear as he drifted into dream.
Zeal enjoyed these private moments with Kaelix the most. Especially when they would recall out loud how little left they had of the contract: it was less than half a year to go, to be exact. Nowadays, they wouldn’t be able to stop grinning as they recited the number to each other.
“I don’t even think I was this happy counting up to our hundred day anniversary, darling.”
“What! You take that back right this second, Ginjoka!”
Zeal’s comment wasn’t unwarranted. It was truly a hateful contract they had signed in their trainee years, back when they were younger and more inexperienced with the way the industry worked, with the way the world worked to break you, in hopes of exposing any loose pieces it could keep.
Being together as By The Beat had made the years worth it, at least, years of shared joys and tears and effort. These days, they found themselves more hopeful than anything, especially as the date approached, the finish line in clear view.
Hopeful enough to dream big, as vast as the possibilities that their encroaching futures promised. Kaelix, looks up at the ceiling, starry eyed, his body comfortably tucked into Zeal’s as the two snuggled warmly together under the sheets.
“It’s number one or nothing, Zeal! Number one everywhere! All the charts, all the billboards, all the shows, all the commercials-”
“He’s dreaming big, my Kaelix.”
“Why, you doubt your Kaelix? Huh? You think your Kaelix can’t do it?!”
“No, I believe in you. If anyone can do it, it’s my darling Kaelix.”
Kaelix smiled widely, more because of the belief that Zeal has rather than the beloved pet name.
“You know, when I think about what I’ve gotten myself into, I feel like I could do it my whole life.”
“Yeah, right? I think I could do all of this for the rest of my life, and be happy, y’know? Or as long as my legs would let me. ” Zeal threw in his old man impression, an impression that had never failed to crack Kaelix up.
“You’re such a dinosaur, Ginjoka.”
Zeal did not let up.
“I remember…" A fake cough, for good measure. "Fifty years ago, before idols were known as idols-”
“I’m truly grave robbing over here,” Kaelix shook his head in mock disdain.
“Thank yew for digging up this old fossil.” Zeal pressed kisses into the softness of Kaelix's neck, and Kaelix squealed, laughing at the enthusiasm.
“Well, since I took the initiative to rescue you from a lifetime trapped underground, you have to take responsibility for me.”
“Isn’t it the other way round, Kaelix? You dug me out.”
“Nuh uh. You gotta take responsibility for Kaelix!”
“Okay. Let’s get married then.”
“What! Be normal! W-we’re idols! We can’t get married!”
“But you told me to take responsibility…” Zeal spoke with as much innocence he could muster to hide his amusement.
“You’re pretty crazy, Zeal Ginjoka.” Kaelix said, but he whispered Zeal’s name all soft at the end.
Something about the way Kaelix said it stirred Zeal’s soul.
Perhaps it was because they have had to keep the idea of them on the down low all these while, but it seemed that even when Kaelix had a choice, he would still choose to speak Zeal’s name quietly. With care, as though handling something precious.
As though Zeal’s love was some priceless treasure that Kaelix had to guard between his lips from the world, lest they find something worthy of stealing.
Zeal knew his love could be selfish, knew in his weak willed moments that he had ever wished for the world to know, but at that moment he would have died happy, the secret of them hidden on Kaelix’s tongue.
It was worth dying to remain by Kaelix’s lips forever, no matter the shape or form he’d take.
“I’m crazy for you, Kaelix.”
“...You’re so silly, Zeal. I love you.” Kaelix whispered, pulling Zeal close, burying his face in raven hair, and Zeal tried to pull Kaelix close too, as though he could find any gaps between the two that Kaelix hadn't yet filled.
“I love you too.”
The two remained this way, in bliss. Zeal inhaled the scent of Kaelix, and held his breath for longer than he should, simply so that Kaelix could remain in his lungs, as part of him, just for a little while longer.
“Zeal?”
Kaelix’s voice was soft, but this time it was in a sad way, a manner that broke Zeal’s heart.
Zeal did not have to turn to look at Kaelix’s face to know that surely, Kaelix was crying now.
“Yeah?”
“We can’t get married.”
Kaelix repeated again, in that dreadful small voice, and Zeal knew what he meant.
That if they wanted to continue to be idols, this could not be a possibility in the near future.
That they could leave this terrible company, and find a bigger and better one that cared for its talents and would allow for them to shine, but then that prize would come at a cost.
A cost that was only sinking in now, for Kaelix Debonair.
Zeal was practical, the grounding force in their relationship, but Zeal also had his weaknesses, his biggest weakness being the tears that now flowed unrelentingly from summer blue eyes.
Zeal knew that if Kaelix asked, he would pull down the moon and tear down the skies just to see his smile.
Because of that, Zeal said, “We can, if you want.”
“No, we can’t,” and there goes Zeal’s beloved know-it-all. “Well, we can, but we shouldn’t, given the demands of our careers and the goals we want to achieve-”
“What is a marriage but the union of two people in love, Kaelix?”
“If we’re talking about the actual definition, by definition, I’m pretty sure it has to be formally recognised.”
“Since when did I become the dreamer, and you the square?” Zeal teased, and he intentionally put on a nerdy voice as he imitated Kaelix, “By definition, I am affirmative regarding the fact that a union between two individuals has to be formally recognised-”
“You make me sick, Ginjoka! You know that?”
Kaelix turned away, pouting. Zeal laughed, planting a final kiss against Kaelix’s neck, making him shriek and flush red, before Zeal sat up.
“Zeal!”
The sound of Zeal’s laughter intertwined with the gentle music that now played from Zeal’s phone, a slow and smooth melody, something about a heavenly day under endless, cloudless skies.
Kaelix sat up now, watching with interest as Zeal walked about his room, and in one swift moment, he laid their quilt above Kaelix’s head, obscuring his eyes, the rest of the cloth falling down his back and shoulders.
“Hey-!”
Laughing, Kaelix pushed it back, so the quilt no longer covered his eyes, and he squinted for a moment, trying to follow Zeal’s movement about the room. Kaelix fumbled about for a moment as he retrieved his glasses, giving Zeal time to take something from their table.
Finally, just as Kaelix had his glasses on properly, Zeal plopped down on the bed, a wide grin on his face.
“You’re up to something.”
Zeal did not stop smiling as he did his impression of an old man again, but this time sounding less feeble, more official.
“Do you, Kaelix Debonair, take Zeal Ginjoka as your husband?”
“What! S-stop playing around!”
Kaelix was such a pretty blushing bride, with the quilt that cascaded down his back, and in his oversized shirt and shorts, Zeal could not have been in love with anyone prettier.
“I’m not playing around, Kaelix. I’d marry you in a potato bag.”
“Wh-” Kaelix was about to protest again, but then he paused, his eyes shiny and wide, his lips agape slightly.
And perhaps Kaelix realised, just as Zeal did, that if marriage was not possible, then the least Zeal could do was to give Kaelix a promise.
A promise to be there for better or worse, in sickness and health.
A promise to remain by his side, eternally, no matter where they’d head together with their goals.
If they would not allow the world to bear witness to their love, to their union, then damn the world, and damn all who had tried to stop it, Zeal thought.
Zeal's heart had never beat so fast, and yet he had never been more sure of anything in his life.
“You promise? Really?” Kaelix spoke in his small voice again, all choked up. “You can’t back out after promising to take responsibility for Kaelix. I take these things seriously.”
“I have never been more serious in my life, Kaelix Debonair.” Zeal said, very seriously, and in his hands he held his key ring, all ready to slip it onto Kaelix’s finger.
“...The keys are still attached, Ginjoka.”
“So is Tuxedo Sam. That is the extent of my love for you, Kaelix. You get to keep my heart, my keys, and my Tuxedo Sam keychain. I have never offered this much of myself to a lover before.”
“You can’t even get me a real ring. You hate me sooo bad, Zeal.”
But despite the words, Kaelix took the ring, and he put it on, laughing at how oversized it looked around his slim fingers. And now he cupped Zeal’s face in his palms, his eyes teary, bringing to mind the blues and yellows of forget-me-nots.
Lovingly, he gave Zeal kisses, kisses, kisses.
“Zeal Ginjoka,” Kaelix began, and it was with his soft voice again.
“I, Kaelix Debonair, take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
Zeal wanted to cry, but this was something good, because for some incomprehensible reason, Zeal felt worthy of this love.
“Of course my darling Kaelix remembers every word to the marriage vows,” Zeal teased, adjusting the keyring on Kaelix’s ring finger. “Are you that eager to marry me?”
Zeal chuckled, expecting a typical protest from Kaelix, but Kaelix was silent.
Zeal looked up at his beloved Kaelix, at his ethereal, dreaming beauty, and thought,
Ah.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as a bride in love, is there?
When Kaelix spoke, all he could say was yes, yes, yes.
~
“I know what you’re doing.”
A harsh whisper, made more hostile after the waves of appreciative fans that had given Zeal polite words of encouragement and admiration throughout the fansign.
Zeal did not respond, keeping his face passive, and he merely looked up at the stranger. Clearly not a fan, given the way that she glared at Zeal right now.
“You’re hogging him. I know it. I see the way you look at Kaelix,” she growled, half whispering. Loud enough for the manager to hear, but he did not respond, let alone solve the problem.
Zeal sighed internally, resigned to the issue. Such individuals were uncommon, but not unheard of, and he was used to the manager turning a blind eye to such issues.
Can’t wait to get out of this company, Zeal thought, and he forced a smile onto his face, signing the poster as the person continued to whisper,
“Stay away from him, stay away from the rest of By The Beat. You worthless-”
While she was heckling him, the sound of a chair shifting loudly cut her off, and both Zeal and her turned to the source.
It had been from Kaelix, a visibly fuming Kaelix, even as he was smiling. His eyes told all.
The person looked stunned, embarrassed at having been perceived directly by her idol.
But before she could stammer out any words, Kaelix had moved, and even with the rage evident in his eyes, he was gentle as he naturally intertwined his fingers with Zeal.
He looked straight at Zeal, as though he was the only person in the room.
“Let’s get out of here.”
A bright, million watt smile, and Zeal was blind too, to all but the radiance of Kaelix.
“Okay.”
Just as Zeal grounded Kaelix, Zeal trusted Kaelix well enough to know when it was time to fly, to dream.
“Wait, it’s not over yet! You can’t leave!” The manager cried, attempting to stop them, but Kaelix’s bravery made Zeal feel a little braver, too.
“Watch us,” Zeal said with a wink, and too easily, they pushed past the staff, the cameras, the crowds.
As they ran, Zeal wondered briefly if this was what eloping felt like.
Zeal and Kaelix left the scene, hand in hand, for the world to bear witness, and that was the last time they were visible to the public eye.
~
On a heavenly day, under cloudless, endless blue skies, a group of teenage girls sit beneath a tree, talking about their favourite singers.
“Did you hear? Seible and Freo’s new single is dropping this Friday!”
“Wait, they’re collaborating?”
“Why are you surprised? They’ve been good friends since before they first joined the scene.”
“Plus, didn’t you know? Seible and Freo used to be part of an idol group, called By The Beat? They disbanded over some scandal many years ago. Not sure what that was about.”
“My sister told me that one of the members ran away with another member of their group. Someone named Zell.”
“I think his name was Zeal? He’s a good indie producer, I’ve heard a track or two.”
“Yeah, but anyway! I heard that they disappeared from the pop scene, just like that!”
“That’s crazy! … But I heard that they did it holding hands. So romantic.”
What could Zeal say about the departure?
All Zeal knew was, if he was meant to be forgotten by the world, then at the very least let them remember the star that was Kaelix.
They may not have remembered the radiance of Kaelix as an idol, but let them know that he still sings like an angel, his voice like golden nectar. Let them know that the world still hears him, but smaller patches of the universe now.
And as for the rest of the world that do not recall his name - let them remember, at least, that Kaelix Debonair had loved Zeal Ginjoka so much, that he had laid aside all fame to follow him into obscurity.
“For better, for worse. I told you, I take these things seriously."
Well, with Kaelix in his arms, it would always and could always only be for the better.