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It broke Mo Ran’s heart to see him do this again… in the shadows where he thought nobody was watching. That through the copper mirror his eyes dulled beneath the low light, his lips drew tight and he could barely look himself in the eyes. Mo Ran watched him from the threshold, in shadows of his own. Watched him attempt push his brow into a softer slope and urge his eyes a little wider.
Red Lotus Pavilion had become tidier since Mo Ran had frequented his rooms, for books on the bed prevented the younger from lying beside his Shizun, it drew long pauses in love making where metal went clattering to the floor and Chu Wanning instantly sought to gather his instruments and inspect them for dents and tarnish.
Mo Ran had very patiently sat by his lover’s side and found a place for all of the things the elder had become so charmingly attached too. Including himself.
Chu Wanning was very particular about the things that must stay, how they must be arranged. It was not a shock however that he was just as particular about his appearance.
Still it broke Mo Ran not only to see the elder ashamed of his own reflection, but that Chu Wanning would have never treated anyone else, beauty or beast, with such pungent disdain.
“Why…” came the whispers, his voice roughened from the disuse. “Why does he love you?”
Mo Ran closed his eyes. For as much as he wanted to kiss those words from his lips he knew it important that he heard this. The extent of which the love of his life truly hated himself.
“You are surly, humourless, and dry. You have no charisma, little charm and a nasty temper. Your… your brow is too severe, you expression too stony, your lips too thin and your eyes too small. You are old…” his chest seemed to heave as he caught his breath, the deep rooted agony a glare of fiery light in his gaze. “He is not. He is… young. Charming, charismatic. Light heart and beautiful smiles. All ease and good humour. And now he is even gentle. He is beautiful.”
Tear were sparkling in eyes and the younger’s as Mo Ran stepped into the light, not yet in his eye line.
“He is beautiful inside and out. Women want him, men respect him, children… animals. They all love him. He could have any man… any woman. If he wanted, even an irrevocable beauty like Shi Mingjing could be his. Why you… you do not deserve…”
“Stop…”
Though his command was no more than a mere gasp, it jolted Chu Wanning like cannon fire. The seat was clattering to the floor and he was leapt to his feet, blinking through pooled eyes and frozen still until he saw the tears in Mo Ran’s.
“What happened?” He breathed sweeping across the sort distance to meet him. “What is wrong? Why are you-“
The breath was stolen from him… when Mo Ran cupped his face and pressed a sodden kiss to his lips. It lingered so long, so desperately that when he pulled back, they were both shivering, both breathless.
“You are kind.” Mo Ran whispered.
“What... What are you…”
“You are so kind Shizun. You are brave. You are strong. You are powerful. You are a certifiable genius. You are tender… you are gentle. You are devoted and selfless. The only reason no one can see it is because they take it for granted.”
“I… Mo Ran…”
“Because it has been that way forever. Because they have never known any different from you. You have always been… an angel. Steadfast, true and just. You are warrior, bearing all the weight so that men like me do not have to. You are so good, so pure, so sweet. You very presence evokes relief. It is… it’s like food to a starving man, Shizun. And believe, me I know what it is to be starved. As for your beauty I will not hear a word against it.”
Chu Wanning was set to low his eyes, but Mo Ran had turned him in his arms. Turned him back to the mirror he despised so deeply and begged him: “Look at yourself… please.”
“No.”
“Please… please, my love. I beg you, let me… let me show you. It hurts to leave you feeling this way. It is agony.”
Gradually… very slowly, Chu Wanning lifted his chin. “Mo Ran.”
Large calloused palms settled at the fine taper of his waist. “This waist is beautiful. Your thighs, your hands. Your body is so beautifully built yet you remain as elegant as ever. You are so small beside me, yet you feel taller than the Peaks. I love that. That I can encase you so perfectly in my arms and never seem to be able to get close enough. There are so many parts of your body that I love. That I adore… you know this. But this face… is a work of art. It is a masterpiece Shizun.”
“You over exaggerate.”
“It’s how I feel…” Mo Ran insisted and who was Chu Wanning to deny him. “You’re lips are so refined, so delicate, you brow regal, your eyes are plucked from a dream world, sleepy, languid, indulgent, when you smile I… I cannot stand it. It’s almost too much to bear. It is the single greatest pleasure on this earth to see the Yuheng Elder smile. You are beautiful. So beautiful.”
Those phoenix eyes fluttered, his chest sinking with and exhale in time with his lover’s.
“Shizun. I cry because you are beautiful from the inside out. You are unmatched in that regard. Yet this cursed world has made you believe you are worthless. And I don’t know how to make you see it is a lie. That you are my life. You all that is good, that is precious and that is beautiful in this world.”
Lovely slender fingers covered Mo Ran’s own at his waist. Soothing his woes with a simple thumb against knuckles tattered from training.
“Mo Ran, I…I do not think it is as simple as you telling me this. Though I believe you truly mean it. And it… its does make my heart… bloom for you.”
“Wanning…”
“I will try to be… kinder to myself. And if I feel this way. Can you… can I come to you?”
“Always. Aiyah… my love.”
Chu Wanning turned in his lover’s arms tilting his chin up to meet his eyes. “And if I requested now… that you make love to me?”
Mo Ran was steadfast. “Always.”
/
The day Chu Wanning was forced to meet his own beauty face to face was the day his daughter was born, when, sweat pearling his pinched brow and his cheeks sparkling crystal, Mo Ran had tearfully placed the little bundle in his arms.
Chu Wanning could not take his eyes off her, save a kiss or two from his lover.
“Look at what you did…” Mo Ran whispered against his temple as she settled down against his chest. “Look at her…”
“I… I am.”
“Wanning?”
The elder lifted those trembling phoenix eyes and earnt kiss to the pink tip of his nose. “A-Ran?”
“What do you notice about her?”
“What do you-“
“Look at her. What do you see?”
Chu Wanning turned his eyes to her face, let them memorise her features as his thumb kissed her chin. “She’s beautiful. She is perfect. She-“
“Looks exactly like you?”
It struck Chu Wanning like the reverberated crash of symbols, leaving him incredibly still. Because it was implausible to deny it and if Chu Wanning lacked anything it was tolerance for falsehood. She did bear a few things Chu Wanning did not, the dimples the faint violet in her eyes but she was undoubtedly of his lineage. She was undoubtedly his. She was also, undoubtedly beautiful.
And it occurred to him, his heart blooming in his chest for both his husband and his child, that he had no choice now but to bow to Mo Ran’s incessant need the fulfilled love of his own visage. For now, detesting himself was to detest at least half of her.
He could not bear to.
“A-Ran?”
“Yes?”
“I…” Chu Wanning struggled to form the sentiment, still exhausted from the birth. Outside their home, rain hammered against the stone and trickled into the ponds via streams, refilling them after the fleeting heat of a short summer. That very sound, her rising chest and Mo Ran’s finger splayed at his waist to keep him covered by the blanket quelled him long enough to find his words and arrange them. “You... Both of you have provided me a reason to love myself. Or at the least, to stop hating myself long enough to forgive myself my flaws.”
“What flaws?” The most adoring eyes met his as Mo Ran lifted Wanning’s chin to meet him. “You are perfect. It was you who made her so. And one day she will become so in her own right. Just as her father did before.”
“You became so too…”
Mo Ran, quite stunned by this sudden and intimate sincerity flushed then avoided his eyes “I am?”
“In my eyes.”
“I have… done so many awful thi-“
“You are perfect in my eyes. And you shouldn’t do this either. For if she grows to share your traits…”
“Shizun is right. Of course you are. I will. I will try.”
“You will do well. You are my disciple after all.”
Mo Ran smirked before leaning in. “That, I am.”
The kissed until she stirred and then they let their attention drift, to the girl cast in their image. To the girl who bade everything about her to bloom.