Chapter Text
"I just need to get something from a friend okay? I wont be long."
Tao keeps driving, he doesn't feel the need to look at Jesse to let him know that he thinks it will indeed be long.
"Well maybe a party is exactly what you need. You'll relax, maybe meet new people.."
"Since when are parties relaxing?"
"Oh you know what i mean."
Tao keeps his eyes on the road, as one would.
"Fine you can just drop me off and leave. I'll be okay, but i still think you should stay for a bit, it'll get your mind off things.. I mean, you've been really closed off lately is all."
"Okay."
Tao thinks he has a point, maybe it really will get his mind off things; only for a few hours but that's still something. Plus he's dreading going back to his room. For the first time in a long time.
They arrive at the party. Tao immediately regrets stepping out of the car when Jesse's friends swarm him the second he's seen. He looks defeated when Jesse leaves with his friends and Tao's left all alone.
Well he doesn't need someone to hold his hand, its just a party, and he's a grown adult like everyone else. It cant be that hard to just walk in, have a drink and just casually chat with whoever, like in high school.
High school... How did he even do all of that back then.. And how did he regress this badly? He used to be the most extroverted and loud person in the room; no matter where he was. Now it feels like there's spiked wires in his throat making it harder to say anything. Grief really does change you.
Tao decides to stop making himself feel miserable by envying the people talking and having fun around him on the parking lot and walk inside the building.
His eyes search for Jesse, he's in a corner with his group of friends laughing loudy. When Jesse spots him in the crowd, he gestures at Tao to come hang out with them. Tao gestures back rejecting the offer. He thinks he'll bum his very lively friends out and ruin the mood. Jesse just sends an understanding look and continues whatever conversation he was having.
Tao aimlessly walks towards the bar, still looking around if there's anything he can do or anyone he can talk to that's as alone as him. He would feel better interacting with someone if he's the extroverted one in comparison. But of course there isn't anyone like that here. Everyone either has friends or too drunk to converse with.
He sips his non-alcoholic drink while still looking around, observing people; people dancing messily and off beat, people making out, people chugging drinks, gossipping, yelling, crying, laughing... Theyre all together while he watches, sitting in a barstool.
He suddenly feels content; the song booming in the room feel quieter; the lights feel dimmer. He doesnt mind not being included in their symphony. He doesn't mind just watching, letting this moment be a nice one instead of a bitter one. And he definitely doesn't mind not being in his room right now.
Suddenly a face stands out to him in the crowd.
His heart sinks, he desperately wants to look away and think, she just reminds him of her.
But he can't. He can't keep his eyes off her, it's like he's paralyzed, or time has stopped.
Because that girl's hair falls on her shoulders too much like hers, her lips are shaped too much like hers, her nose has a tiny bump that won't be noticed at first glance, she's always either standing with her arms crossed or fiddling with her nails, her brows furrow unintentionally when she forgets to give a reaction to what's been said to her,
and those eyes. No one else can have eyes like hers. There's no doubt it's actually her and not just some girl that happens to look like her.
But there is something different. Not the new haircut, clothes and makeup; but the way she stands, her face, her mannerisms, she's clearly less tense and much more comfortable in her own body, she talks and responds without a second thought. She has grown. In a way he couldn't. And he feels really small in that moment.
Then she starts laughing, and Tao can't help but feel hurt, she would only ever feel comfortable enough to laugh when they were alone together.
He immediately feels ridiculous for getting hurt by this. He's actually really proud in a way, to see her this comfortable, he just can't help feeling jealous though. Getting jealous over a high school ex after 3 years? This is truly a new low for him.
Tao's train of thought gets interrupted when their eyes meet. He quickly turns his head away but he simply doesn't have fast enough reflexes. The girl's smile drops, her eyes get wide. She tries to play it cool so her friends don't bombard her with questions. She calmly excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
Tao can feel his heart beating in his face that he's covering from shame. What are the odds? He hasn't even heard of her in those 3 years. He thought she moved away so far that there was no way of finding her. Yet there she was, in the one party he decided to stay.
He was for sure over her, he thought he was. Well he still thought about her every now and then but it must be normal, that was his first and only good enough relationship to last more than a few months after all. Its must be normal to still search all around social medias for the tiniest clue of her. Must be normal to secretly wish your partners acted like her sometimes. Must be normal to write your heart out to her unused phone number whenever you need her comfort. Its normal to still caress your own body and imagine it's her doing it.
He thinks the logical thing to do right now is to just leave and pretend this never happened. When he sees her walk up to the stairway that goes to the rooftop, he's glued on his feet; contemplating whether he should take the chance to talk to her, finally get his closure as to why she left; or just leave and forget her (because he's really good at forgetting her) knowing she's happier without him and 100% over him and probably already has a boyfriend and she definitely hates his guts anyway.
Even though he somehow convinced himself that all of his speculations are true, he can't help walking towards the stairway. When he doesnt even know what he'll say to her when they're alone together, and he knows he's going to regret this. But he simply can't help himself.