Chapter Text
What is love? How do you recognize love with a big L?
I often think of it as the right combination between affection and attraction. The balance has to be just right: too little affection and you’ve got a sexual relationship, too little attraction and it’s a friendship. Maybe that's too cerebral of an answer. I imagine love means something different to each person.
My theory of love leaves me with more uncertainty and heartache than answers. After all, it provides too many paths. I'm surrounded by attractive people that I love so much it's sometimes suffocating. I dare you to live with the six of them for years and come out of it without your heartstrings having fluttered once, I bet you lost just from the thought of it.
Words could never encompass how lovely they are.
Jin, our youngest. I admire his life credo, I draw so much courage and perspective from it. It takes a lot of inner strength to go about life so exposed to the public eye and not drown in it. I’m always thankful for the silliness he plays up for the fans as much as for his members and himself. In private, though less flamboyant he remains just as thoughtful. Ensuring our well-being through his cooking and listening ear.
Yoongi, our grumpy cat. He’s such an inspiration, he doesn’t hide his struggles and always seems to come out on top. Of course, I know it’s not that easy and it’s certainly not painless but god is it beautiful. Such perseverance and talent, in a thoughtful little tsundere package. Never mind the past, never mind what haters say, never mind the obstacles, standing next to him I never doubt we will keep going for a long time.
Hobi, our sunshine. A rock, an anchor, an umbrella, he's all that and more. I sometimes draw energy just from standing next to him, maybe a port less charger would suit him more. The way he moves speaks of experience and confidence, it's enthralling. His thoughtfulness is unrivaled, the promise CD from that one run bts episode remains one of my most prized possession. He got me through many difficult nights, though I don’t doubt he also enjoyed our prolonged roommate situation, I know he mostly wanted to be there for me.
Namjoon, our leader. Let's be honest with that title and the way he carries it, most are already done for. You add the dimples, the muscle, his kind eyes, and you've got a killer combo. And that’s still barely scraping the surface. There's also more talent than most would know what to do with, an academic intelligence that leaves you speechless, coupled with an emotional intelligence that makes you cry from lyrics alone.
My soulmate taehyungie, our baby. Sometimes it feels like he is the only thing that allows me to breath, whenever I feel stuck in my head his unpredictability never fails to bring me back to the moment. Ironically he also takes my breath away so often it's a wonder I'm not permanently on oxygen. He's the one who knows me best and the one that bring me the most confidence. When the cheers die down, we will remain.
Jungkookie, our real youngest. Sometimes I can't believe how much he's grown. From a talented kid grew an even more talented adult. From a scrawny teen grew a buff man. But he kept his bunny smile and doe eyes, tough they turn sultry often these days, the twerp. Ah…Is he copying me? My comfort zone, best friend and cheerleader all wrapped into one beautiful human.
So… Affection? Attraction? Of course, it's there. Does love come down to chemistry then? Once again, I have that with each of them.
Then what? Is it a matter of making a choice and sticking to it? If I allowed myself to fully consider it, could I fall for any of them?
Somehow, the thought of that seems to cheapen the name of love.
Truthfully, if I put aside my doubts and fears for a minute, there is no need for any of that. Without trying, that person came to mind one day and never left.
In the first place, I only started questioning the origin of love because of him. I have been trying to make sense of it. Once again too cerebral, why am I asking my head what my heart feels? Well, to be honest, I don't trust it or rather I can't afford to trust it. I am in no position to follow my heart in normal circumstances but with this? Impossible.
I mean, let’s say I put my doubts aside and go for it, there are a few scenarios there:
Worst case scenario, he is disgusted.
Fine, I’ll admit this one is unlikely. We had that conversation a long time ago as a group and established that although we couldn’t be official advocates, we all wanted to be supporters at least in private. Namjoon and Yoongi led that discussion and made it clear that although understanding might not come easily to everyone, nothing less than respect would be tolerated. Frankly, looking back on it brings tears to my eyes. At the time, I wasn’t close to figuring out my sexuality, just a teen with questions and no way to answer them. They created a safe environment. Though he hadn’t signed up for it, Yoongi ended up being a guiding light, my guru if you will, although he would skin me alive if I called him that out loud. He helped me figure out where I stood on the spectrum and gave me the push I needed to confirm it. He introduced me to Jiho and encouraged me to give it a try. I’ll never thank him enough for it, I came out of it with an irreplaceable friend and a new confidence in my sexuality and my body.
So, disgust is an unlikely scenario, but one my treacherous mind can’t seem to dismiss.
Less worse scenario, he is uncomfortable or unable to reciprocate, either because he is not into guys or because he is not into me (and isn’t that one gut-wrenching). Less worse because our relationship wouldn’t be completely ruined, but recovering it would be, if not impossible, long and difficult. On top of that, the fracture would undoubtedly be noticeable, army notices everything after all. We can’t afford that, it would be a nightmare to navigate for the company and the other members. And that’s before considering the pain on both sides. I’m sure he would feel sorry for being unable to return my feelings, and knowing him, the awkwardness would lead him to avoid me. How am I supposed to survive that?
Good scenario, that is also the utopian scenario. He accepts my confession. Scratch that, that scenario comes with its own terrifying sub-scenarios. He accepts not because he shares my feelings, but because he cares and is worried about the band. Or our relationship doesn’t last, our parents disapprove, the company disapproves, the other members disapprove, we get exposed to the world... There’s plenty more nightmare scenarios where those came from.
And even if none of these happen, we might end up living the rest of our lives hiding.
I nearly forgot all those implied, putting my doubts aside. Frankly, before his reaction, I’m terrified to start such a process without the absolute certainty of my feelings. What if all of this is just a crush, infatuation, sexual attraction, misinterpreted familiarity, love without the big L? What then? This is how the spiral into the origin of love started.
Ah, truly, nothing is ever easy.
I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest as you sleep peacefully across from me, your head thumping on the car’s window.
Hey Jin, tell me…. What should I do?
“Jimin, do you have a fever? You look flushed.”
Hobi’s voice snaps me out of it.