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In hindsight, Alex wasn't surprised when it happened. Matt and he were inseparable, a big part of each other's lives. It wasn’t uncommon for people to assume they were a couple upon meeting them, but they would simply smile, insist they were only friends, and shrug it off. Yet they both knew there was nothing 'only' about their friendship. They loved each other profoundly and shared trust and comfort that Alex had never felt with anyone else.
But, of course, Alex had to be selfish and greedy and want more. So, when his breathing started being disturbed by occasional coughs, and when his lungs started to burn, he had his suspicions. And when he hacked out his first petal, he had already come to terms with his death.
He could not tell Matt. He couldn't ask that of him.
He didn’t want their relationship to change. He already knew Matt loved him, but not like that, and no matter how accepting Matt would be of him and his emotions, Alex knew it would change their relationship irrevocably. And really, Alex would rather die than live his life with a gaping hole in his chest that would most certainly form without Matt there. The only thing a confession would manage do is make Matt feel guilty, and that would be even worse than dying.
So he will endure until the end of this babygravy tour, and go home, and die in peace. Or so he convinced himself, until the tour ended, and Matt asked him to come over and stay in LA with him for a while. Which is nothing out of the ordinary, and he doesn't want to make Matt worry, because Alex usually would take any chance he could to spend more time with Matt, and refusing this opportunity would make it obvious that something is wrong.
Or at least, that's what he tells himself.
He knows that in the end, it was his greediness that prevailed, craving more time with Matt and risking the cruelty of making Matt be the one to find his dead body. However, he justifies it with the fact that he is dying, and his final moments ought to be with the person he loves the most, even if that love is the one killing him. So he agrees and books the tickets home in two weeks instead of the following day, knowing full well that he might not have that long.
The next few days, he spent hanging out at Matt's place, going to a couple of parties, and desperately clinging to a sense of normalcy that he knew he was about to lose. As the week went on, his coughs became more frequent, and the amount of petals greater. He tried to play it off, letting Matt know that he is tired from the tour and would like to stay home, decreasing physical activity as much as possible without being suspicious. His lungs were already straining without any crazy venture he'd usually go on.
He thinks he was doing great at concealing at, if he could say so himself. Until, of course, it all came to a head one day. They were hanging out in the studio the whole day, mixing beats and coming up with new rhymes. It was Alex’s idea, trying to distract himself from his impending doom.
He just returned from the bathroom after doing his best to swallow down the petals that were slowly trying to crawl up his throat and space out his visits to Matt's toilet bowl, with which he recently became intimately acquainted.
The moment he opened the door, Matt's sunshine smile greeted him, and all the petals came rushing back.
"Hey man, you good?" Matt asked, his tone light. "I was getting kinda worried you accidentally drowned in the toilet bowl."
Oh, you would be surprised just how close to truth that is, Alex thought.
Alex tried his best to swallow the petals, feeling it would be just a tiny bit odd to turn on his heel and run out of the door the way he wanted to. He breathed in and out slowly, trying not to trigger another coughing fit.
"It's best if you avoid that bathroom for a while." He shrugged.
"Oof, that bad?" Matt raised his eyebrows, laughing.
"Explosive." Alex grinned, throwing himself on the couch next to Matt.
Alex opened his laptop, finding the beat that they were working on. "Wanna freestyle this shit?" He proposed. "Maybe it'll help us figure out the vibe for the beat."
"Why the hell not, let's do it" Matt turned to him excitedly, probably ready to spew some weird ass verses he already has forming in his mind.
Alex watched him, his gaze soft, as Matt messed with the beat and came up with random lines. His thoughts shifted to waters he had forbidden himself from treading.
Although he came to terms with his condition and his love for Matt, he had tried to distract himself every time he started thinking about it, in a futile attempt to keep the illusion of this idyllic week (which it would be if he were not coughing his lungs out every time Matt so much as glanced at him).
Jerking himself out of his thoughts with a small cough, he found Matt staring at him.
"Are you okay, dude? You got all spacey for a second" Matt asked with a frown.
"Yeah..." Alex said weakly. He tried again "Yeah, I just-" His voice stuttered as another petal made its way to his windpipe, choking him. His eyes went wide in alarm, heart pounding. He attempted to clear his throat, but it did not help, and soon, panic took over. He started coughing, trying to catch his breath. Soon, the light-headedness hit, and he fell to his knees, retching.
Faintly, he heard Matt call his name, but all he could focus on were the petals that kept coming and the lump he still felt in his throat, hindering any attempt at breathing.
Suddenly, he felt two big and lanky arms wrap around his torso and a firm hand press into his abdomen, just below his ribs. Before he could even register what was happening, a sharp, forceful pressure slammed upward into his diaphragm. The unexpected jolt stole the remaining air from his lungs, but then, just as quickly, the pressure released.
Another, even stronger thrust followed, a brutal shove that made him double over. He choked, a strangled, wet sound escaping his constricted throat. The petals kept coming, a horrifying, relentless bloom.
Then came a third, final surge of pressure. This time, the force was accompanied by a guttural grunt from behind him. It felt like being punched from the inside out. And then, finally, miraculously, the obstruction in his throat gave way. With a violent, retching cough, a pink flower head, slick with saliva, shot from his mouth. Air rushed into his starved lungs. He gasped, his body trembling, as Matt’s arms around him loosened their grip.
"Ow...Dude, what the fuck?" Alex mumbled, looking up at Matt. "Did you just…maneuver me? Where did you learn to do that shit?"
"I- An ex of mine taught me." Matt said, looking bewildered with the situation at hand.
"Of course she did" Alex muttered under his breath, unsurprised that one of Matt's many exes ended up being a nurse or something of sorts. He was probably into role play or something. One of those sexy nurse kinks.
He shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts and calm the growing sense of dread that was gathering in the pit of his stomach.
"Alex, what-" Matt started, but then his worried gaze fell on the flower lying on the floor, surrounded by petals and specks of blood. His face crumpled. "What is this?" He asked, voice hoarse.
"What it looks like." Alex said, defeated.
"Who is it?" Matt asked, looking at him pleadingly, begging for an answer that won't come. "Alex, who is it?" He demanded with urgency in his voice, panic overtaking the longer Alex stayed silent.
"I can't..." Alex started. "I won't do it."
"Alex, tell me who she is, I'll find her, I'll bring her here, just tell me" He grasped Alex's face, his large hands encompassing his cheeks. "Please."
Alex stayed silent for a second, second guessing the decision he had made when he realised he was dying. But then he flinched, looking away from Matt.
"No. I can't tell him."
"Hi- Is it because it's a guy? Whoever that asshole is, he better love you, just tell me who it is, I'll get him here, and you can confess. You'll be fine. Tell me." Matt demanded again, voice cracking. "Please Alex. You have to be okay. I can't lose you."
"It's okay Matt. It's fine, I'm fine with it." Alex said softly, nuzzling Matt’s hand. "I've made my peace with it."
"WELL I HAVE NOT!" Matt yelled, but kept his touch gentle, thumbs brushing over Alex’s cheeks. "I am not fine with it, and I am not losing you over someone who doesn't appreciate you."
The silence stretched, thick with unspoken emotion, as their gazes locked.
"Please." A whisper, amplified by the brush of Matt's trembling hands was enough to make Alex’s resolution crumble.
"It's you." Alex sighed. "It's always been you."
"I...What?" Warm hands left his face, and the coldness took over, sending a shiver down Alex's spine. He closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears and subside the tickling in his throat that had started anew.
"Alex, look at me please." Matt whispered, taking his hand instead. Dark eyes met the bright ones, both glistening with unshed tears. "You do know I love you, right?"
Alex’s heart clenched. This was what he was afraid of. He knew Matt loved him, of course. He was his best friend, his other half, his platonic soulmate. But Alex just had to go and be greedy and screw it up. He wanted more, and he knew he couldn't get it. And now Matt probably feels guilty he can't give Alex that. Maybe he truly should've drowned in that toilet, it would be a better fate.
"You know that, right?" Matt stressed, kneeling in front of him.
"I know. I love you too, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to feel this way, I..." he looked down, not meeting Matt's gaze.
"I don't think you do..." Matt mumbled, and grasped Alex's chin, guiding it up and forcing him to meet his gaze. "I am in love with you, you silly man."
"What?" Alex breathed.
"I thought you knew this! I thought you didn't feel the same way so we never acknowledged it, and I was happy to take whatever version of a relationship you were willing to give me." Matt chuckled, tears spilling over.
"No! I never..." Alex trailed off, looking up at Matt in wonder, as he felt the heaviness in his lungs disappear and his throat clear up. For the first time in days, he took a deep breath, inhaling the comforting smell of Matt's house.
"And here I thought I was obvious." Matt gave him a wet laugh, but then turned pensive. "I'm sorry you had to go through this because of me."
"It's not your fault. This is why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to feel guilty or responsible for my selfishness." Alex said defensively.
"Selfishness? Alex, what?" Matt looked at him in shock. "Darling, it is not selfish to love someone."
"It is when they are already giving you so much, yet you want more. It's greedy." Alex scoffed.
Matt sighed, deciding to come back to this topic later, when they are of sounder minds. "Well lucky for you, I have a lot more I want to give you." He said, gently brushing his fingers against Alex’s cheek. "If you know what I mean." He winked, making Alex swat at him.
"Gross, man" Alex laughed. "Hey, at least now we know I barely have a gag reflex, I think the flowers trained it out of me."
Matt gaped at him, and Alex cackled. "Too soon?"
Matt decided to shut him up with a kiss.