Work Text:
Shen Yuan stared at the papers sprawled before him, scribbled with his own writing. It was almost midnight, and his body and brain both were painfully aching. He didn’t think he could scram any other information, yet he still had a few more chapters to go through.
He’d dreamed so many years to college, to get into law school, to make friends and finish top of his class.
Yet all he’d accomplished for now were barely good enough grades to make him pass his classes, and the only friend he’d made was his roommate, Luo Binghe, who was here on a scholarship and out partying at the moment.
The thing is that he was really trying. He studied every night on top of his part-time job, he tried to join clubs, to speak to his classmates, to meet teachers during their office hours so they could re-explain to him the same thing seven time until he finally understood.
But it wasn’t enough.
Shen Yuan wasn’t sure what would be enough. If he’d have to work until his body gave up completely before it finally felt like he’d done his best, like he really couldn’t give more than this.
He curled up on his bed, nausea building up in his throat.
Maybe he wasn’t fit for this. Maybe dreams of academia were just dreams and he wasn’t made for any great diploma. All the hard works he’d done all his life, maybe it all atoned to nothing. He’d never see the money and the years again and it was all too great of a cost for it all to finish in him working a small job he hated.
How had the others done it? That Shen Yuan didn’t know.
Despair clung to his skin and his body shook as silent sobs spilled forth. The tears were warm on his cheeks and obstructed his glasses. The world became blurry and maybe it was all for the better. His nails scraped the inside of his palms, and his heart pounded painfully hard in his ears.
That was it. The final exam was tomorrow, and he still couldn’t remember by heart most of the material. He would go, fail the exam, and probably get kicked out of his program. He would go back home for the summer, face his parents who would disapprove of him, and rethink his whole existence. He would be back to square one while his old high school friends would get their degrees, start their jobs, and become stable adults. Behind his back people would mock him, look at him pitifully maybe when they would accidentally bump on him.
As Shen Yuan’s thoughts spiralled, he didn’t hear the lock of his dorm pop open and Luo Binghe entering the small room. There wasn’t much space, really, only two beds, desks and closets. Even if Luo Binghe would’ve wanted to give Shen Yuan privacy, he would’ve had to be blind to miss him.
Luo Binghe stood motionless in the doorway. Although he knew Shen Yuan tended to be anxious, he’d never seen him in such a state. He walked carefully to Shen Yuan’s bed, the other with his face hidden between his knees.
Luo Binghe stared then gently put his hand on the top of Shen Yuan’s head.
Shen Yuan jerked back in the way an injured animal would back into a corner, with their claws out. He felt exposed and embarrassed and, most of all, wanted to be left alone.
“Are you alright?” asked Luo Binghe hesitantly.
Shen Yuan glared at him.
“I’m sorry that was a dumb question.”
“Leave me alone.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea-“
“Please, Binghe, I don’t want to talk. Leave me alone.”
Luo Binghe looked at him pensively for a few seconds.
“I understand.”
With that backed down to his own bed. Luo Binghe let himself fall down on his bed, making the old wood creak beneath him. Shen Yuan turned toward the wall, his back to Binghe, and brought his covers up to his nose.
Silence stretched into the room.
“Shen Yuan.”
“Mhm.”
“I think you’re pretty cool.”
Shen Yaun frowned and turned back to face him.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Luo Binghe shrugged, reaching for his hidden stash of snacks under his bed.
“I don’t know. It was just a thought.”
Silence.
Now Shen Yuan felt a little awkward.
His awkwardness soon fell as a chocolate bar hit in right in the nose.
“Ouch!”
“I have some more if you want them.”
“No thank you.”
Shen Yuan took the candy bar and unwrapped the corner, taking a bite out of it.
“Is it good?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m happy you like it.”
“Binghe.”
“Yes.”
“I think you’re pretty cool too.”
Luo Binghe straightened on his bed.
“Really?!” he asked excitedly.
Shen Yuan huffed.
“Come on, you’re smart, good at sports, gorgeous, and every time we go to class you get stopped at least fifteen times.”
“Yuan-ge, did you say I was gorgeous?”
Shen Yuan stopped mid-biting his chocolate bar.
Luo Binghe was objectively gorgeous and anyone who had eyes would’ve said the same. Shen Yuan had assumed he was used to people fawning over his handsome face and muscular arms all the time. He hadn’t really thought about the implication of his words and now redness creeped up his neck all the way to his cheeks.
Shen Yuan didn’t have a crush on Luo Binghe, or at the very least decided that he didn’t have the time to ponder over it and hid the pit in his stomach that appeared when Luo Binghe would stare at him for just a little too long. They’d had a great friendship in the last year, and he didn’t want to lose the only friend he’d made in college, especially when said friend was clearly as straight as a pole.
“I do have eyes, Binghe. Anyone would agree with me.”
Luo Binghe shifted on his stomach, his head resting on his hands as he stared intently at the other.
“But you’re not anyone.”
Shen Yuan covered his face with his blankets, point blank avoiding Luo Binghe.
“Get out.”
“Whyyyyyyy”
“You’re teasing me.”
“I would never dare.”
The whisper came much closer than Shen Yuan had anticipated. He looked over his blankets to see Luo Binghe’s face right next to him, his warm breath hitching Shen Yuan’s eyelashes.
The bastard had move so silently!
“Binghe.”
“Yes.”
“Why are you so close?”
“Does it bother you?”
“I don’t know.”
Luo Binghe sat on the ground next to Shen Yuan’s bed. He picked up the notes covering the bed and neatly stacked them in his hands.
“I don’t know how you can remember all of these,” he said as he put the pages aside.
Shen Yuan stayed quiet, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest.
“I’m a failure, Binghe.”
Luo Binghe frowned.
“What nonsense are you talking about.”
“I-It’s so difficult. I can’t remember anything, I’m going to fail my classes, and they’re going to kick me out, Binghe. I’m just so tired,” he said, his voice breaking into uncontrollable sobs.
Luo Binghe’s arms reached out for his shoulders and held him tightly against his chest.
“There’s more to life than school, Shen Yuan.”
“No…you don’t understand…I-I’ve worked so hard.”
“I know you have, but this isn’t worth your health. You’ll always be more important than some school program.”
“It-its just that sometimes…why does it feels like I’m dying.”
Luo Binghe squeezed the other’s face harder on his chest so he couldn’t say any other terrible words.
“There will be other opportunities and other dreams, but there won’t be any other Shen Yuan.”
He rested his chin on top of his roommate’s head.
“I love you too much to let you be like this.”
Shen Yuan gulped difficulty.
“Binghe.”
“Yes?”
“…It doesn’t bother me when you’re so close.”
Luo Binghe smiled against Shen Yuan’s hair and gave the top of his head a small peck.
“You’re not a failure, Shen Yuan, not matter how much your brain tries to convince you otherwise.”
He sniffed against Luo Binghe’s shirt, realizing his head fit perfectly in the crook between his two pecs.
“Okay,” he murmured.
“I didn’t hear you, say it louder.”
He pushed Luo Binghe aside, or at least tried, but it was like trying to move a wall of bricks.
“Okay,” he repeated, louder this time.
Luo Binghe smiled at him brightly.
“See! Who cares about some stupid exam, you’ve got a gorgeous man right here.”
“Gorgeous maybe, but humble definitely not.”
“How could I be when Yuan-ge himself compliments me,” he answered, batting his eyelashes dramatically.
A stifle laugh came out of Shen Yuan’s throat.
Maybe he would be alright.
Maybe there was more to life than that one exam.
Maybe the fact that he was here, alive, well, and loved was enough for now.
Maybe he had all the time in the world to figure things out.