Chapter Text
"Marry me."
Her words are still lingering in the air between them, and Olivia's eyes go wide, and she claps her hand over her mouth. Did she really just say that? But as shocked as she feels over her impromptu proposal, nothing compares to the "deer in the headlights" look Elliot is sporting right now.
>×●×●×●×●×<
Elliot had dropped by her office twenty minutes ago, bearing gifts of coffee and her favourite pastry from the little bistro near the OCCB offices. After taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk and assuring her that his visit was neither work nor family related, his true intention for his visit came to light.
“So…” he drawled out, nervously rubbing the palms of his hands back and forth along his lap. “I was wondering if I could take you out for dinner one night next week. Whenever it works best with your schedule. You just name the day and I’ll take care of everything else.”
Little bubbles of anxiety started to build within Olivia's chest, albeit not from the request itself. Since his return, Elliot had asked her many times to join him for lunch or dinner, with or without Noah, but it was the way he phrased it this time… wanting to take her out… making his intentions undeniably clear that he was asking her out on a date.
Unsure of how she felt about that prospect, and uncertain as to what to say, Olivia hummed and hawed for a minute or two, until the awkwardness engulfed them both. Interpreting her silence as rejection, Elliot released a long deep sigh as his shoulders slumped, and he backed off, all but rescinding his invitation.
"It's fine, it's… it's fine. I-I get it. Ju-just forget I asked. I'll, uh, I'll leave you to it, Olivia. Sorry to have bothered you," he stammered, his disappointment quite evident. She watched as he got up from the chair and walked out the door. Just as she was about to call him back and tell him that she needed some time to think about it, he stopped abruptly, spun on his heels and stepped back into her office.
"Liv, I know that when I left, I hurt you. And I have no right to expect anything from you, but I've been trying to show you that I'm here now. To stay," he stated matter-of-factly, closing the door behind him. "My undercover assignments might prove to show otherwise, but there's nothing I can do about that. They're part of my job. You know that."
She couldn't argue with that. Extended undercover operations were a vital part of most of OC's cases, and Olivia knew Elliot was just as devoted to his job as she was to her own. She also knew, with 100% certainty, that if she asked him to, he would go straight to Ayanna and tell her that he was done going undercover.
Not that she would ever. She never forgot the way she balked over a similar request when she and Ed were together, and he’d started talking about smelling flowers and retiring, hoping that maybe she'd retire along with him.
"It just feels like we're in this never-ending dance of one step forward, two steps back," Elliot sighed heavily, his body sagging against the wall, keeping his distance as far from her as he could within the space of her office. "Just it feels like whenever we're on the cusp of..."
"Something more,” she supplied knowingly, alluding to possibilities that they both had spent a quarter of a century fighting tooth and nail to keep buried, never to see the light of day.
"Yeah... one thing or another happens; I get called away on a UC op, your busy schedule, my crazy family, but," he rattled off, before his voice dropped low and resigned, "mostly your distrust in me..."
"El, I d-," she started to say, wanting to tell him that she did trust him. But he shook his head, and raised his hand to stop her.
"No, you have every right not to trust me. It's just so… I don't know… exhausting,” he said, shrugging dejectedly. “Every once in a while, we have a moment that almost feels like the old days, and I begin to hope. But somehow before we can build on it, it feels like we've ended back at ground zero.”
“I know,” she acknowledged, as she rose from her chair, rounded her desk, and propped herself against it.
“And I understand your hesitancy, I really do. But Liv, I want to move forward with you. I don't want to give up,” he looked up at her imploringly. “I want to build back the strong foundation we used to have. So whatever it is that I need to do to help you believe that I'm not leaving you ever again, please just tell me."
And with that, it struck Olivia that she felt just as tired as he sounded. She was tired of this push and pull, so much so that two words that she never thought she would ever say, especially to Elliot, came rushing out of her mouth unbidden.
>×●×●×●×●×<
As they stare at each other silently for a few minutes, both utterly speechless and breathing heavily, she watches as his shock turns to sadness? Regret? She isn't quite sure.
"Olivia. If I thought you were serious, I'd marry you in a heartbeat..." Elliot utters with a sorrow-filled chuckle, and breaks their eye contact as he drops his gaze to his feet.
“El, look at me,” Olivia says softly, hoping that the tremble in her voice goes unnoticed. As Elliot lifts his head back up, his blue eyes, brimming with emotion, lock on her brown, and her heart starts to hammer in her chest and she swallows hard.
She realises two things.
One, she can't back out of this. She knows him better than anyone else, and even though he's willing to let her save face and back out, she knows how much it would pain him if she were to do so. And there's no way she'd toy with his emotions like that.
And two, she doesn't want to take those two words back. She's scared. She's terrified. And she's still not 100% ready. But putting everything on hold and waiting until she's ready isn't working either. She misses her best friend and partner, and maybe… just maybe… making a crazy life altering change, like getting married, is what they need to do to start rebuilding their once strong foundation.
"I-I... uh, maybe I am," she says quietly, unable to suppress the tremble in her voice. "El, I do trust you, and I-I love you…”
Elliot releases a startled gasp and starts moving towards her, but she needs to keep going, unwilling to let her nerves get the better of her. “I know I d-don't deserve you, but you have always been the kind, faithful, and devoted man I've wanted. No one knows me like you do, but not in that way. Not in the way that you and Kathy knew each other, and I'm... I'm terrified that I'll be too much for you to handle and we'll eventually fall apart, just like all my other relationships. And I ca-... I can't lose you, again.”
The next thing she knows, Elliot's hands are gently cupping her face, and his thumbs wipe away the few stray tears from the apples of her cheeks that she hadn't even noticed had fallen.
“I don't deserve you either,” he says, parroting her words back to her. He pulls her in for a tight hug, and whispers in her hair, “Olivia Benson… I don't know what's come over you, but if this is what you really want to do, I'm in.”
Her face is comfortably nestled in the soft warm curve of his neck, and it feels so right, that she simply hums and nods her head. They stay locked in their embrace for a few minutes, breathing each other in, until he pulls away, just far enough to meet her gaze.
“But you have to be sure, Liv,” Elliot says, his voice equal parts affection and seriousness. “You have to be sure that this is what you really want, because if we get married, there's no going back. We'll be truthful and honest, no matter how much it might hurt the other. When we argue… and we know we will, because we're both passionate and hot headed individuals… we will talk it out afterwards. And if things get so bad that one of us wants to run, then we'll seek outside help, like couples therapy, instead, because divorcing you isn't an option for me."
“You signed them once,” she reminds him, even though they both remember how it turned out that time.
“Liv… I loved Kathy for many years, and though I fought it at first, I was willing to let her go. But my feelings for you..." Elliot takes a breath and softly runs his hands up and down her arms. “My feelings for you go so much deeper than they ever did with her. You are my soulmate, my other half… you make my heart whole. And once I get the chance to make you mine, I'm never gonna let you go."
“I'm scared, Elliot. I'm not going to lie about that. But I'm done fighting this anymore. We've got a lot of stuff to talk about and things to work through, nevermind telling our families and friends.” The two of them chuckle as they both glance through the window at her sergeant sitting at his desk, focused on paperwork and completely oblivious to the discussion his two friends are having in the office behind him.
Olivia turns back to Elliot, and looks lovingly into his eyes. “But despite all that, I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else. So, Elliot Stabler, will you marry me?”
The grin on Elliot's face is bigger than she's ever seen before, and he doesn't even try to hide the tears that are threatening to fall. “Yes, Olivia. Yes, I will marry you.”
And they seal their engagement with their very first kiss.