Chapter Text
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It all started with an explosion.
Not an “oh no, we’ve been compromised” kind of explosion. More of a “how did that happen from just plugging in a USB” kind of chaos.
In the heart of SHIELD’s New York tech division, amid the sterile hum of servers and far too much government-issued beige, something sparked, something fizzled, and then—
Boom.
The espresso machine in the breakroom blew its top, flinging scalding coffee like shrapnel and setting off the fire alarm. The sprinkler system—always enthusiastic, never helpful—promptly drenched three analysts, two interns, and a disturbingly expensive tablet.
“Don’t look at me,” came a voice from under a metal desk.
The voice belonged to a young man with tousled black hair, wire-rim glasses, and an expression that said I definitely planned this, and I regret nothing. He looked like trouble. The kind you’d find eating ice cream on the roof at 3 a.m. after disabling national security protocols just because he was bored.
Nick Fury, drenched and steaming (figuratively and literally), glared at the culprit with all the force of a man who had suffered far too many Harry Potter-induced migraines in the past twenty-four hours.
“Potter.”
“Yes, Director?”
“What. Did. You. Do.”
“I improved your firewall.” Harry climbed out from beneath the desk, holding what looked like a melted circuit board and a half-melted gummy bear. “And your coffee machine. I think it’s sentient now. Might be communist. Hard to tell.”
“Potter—”
“Oh, relax, it was only supposed to trigger a localized EMP. The espresso machine just… overachieved.”
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Two Hours Earlier…
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Tony Stark was bored.
That was always dangerous.
He’d already hacked into three satellites, two government servers, and the Pentagon’s parking ticket registry. Just for the thrill. And maybe to move his own car off a no-parking list, but mostly the thrill.
So, when he came across SHIELD’s new hire security protocols, he couldn’t resist.
"New meat," he muttered with a grin, fingers flying across the holographic keyboard.
The name didn’t ring a bell: Harry James Potter, 21, British, recent hire, tech division. Specialty: Code-breaking, AI, encryption systems. Security Level: Green (Pending Upgrade).
He snorted. Green? Cute.
With the confidence of a man who had rewritten NORAD’s software while drunk on Asgardian mead, Tony pushed through the layers of SHIELD’s firewall.
"Let’s see what junior coder’s got hiding under the hood."
Ten seconds in, something odd happened.
A cursor blinked on his screen.
It typed.
"Rude."
Tony blinked. “What the—”
More letters.
"Try harder, Daddy."
He choked on air. “Did that—did he just—?”
His own interface glitched, then began playing the Mean Girls soundtrack at full volume.
“STARK!” Steve Rogers’s voice echoed down the hall. “What the hell is Jingle Bell Rock doing on the intercom!?”
Tony frantically tried to shut it down, but the screen now displayed a hand-drawn stick figure of himself wearing a tiara labeled Tech Princess. Below it: “BOW BEFORE THE CODE GOD”
He gawked, then grinned. “Oh, hell yes.”
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Back in SHIELD Headquarters…
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“Mr. Potter,” came a new voice. Smooth. Curious. Slightly amused.
Harry looked up from his rebuilt espresso machine, which now hissed in binary.
Standing in the doorway was Tony Stark himself, in all his designer-suited, ego-wrapped glory.
Harry tilted his head. “Oh. It’s you.”
Tony raised a brow. “You hacked me.”
“You started it.”
“I barely warmed up.”
“Your warm-up is pathetic.”
Nick Fury, who had the misfortune of standing between them, looked between the two like a man watching a small, sarcastic thermonuclear war forming in real-time.
“No,” he said, pointing at Harry. “No more explosions. No hacking Stark again. No renaming his suits to ‘Sparkle Muffin.’”
Harry looked insulted. “That was one time.”
Tony smirked. “You’re the one who did that? I’ve been looking for you.”
“Well,” Harry said, dusting his hands off. “You found me, Daddy.”
Fury made a noise that might have been his soul trying to evacuate his body through sheer force of will.
Tony Stark looked like he’d just been handed a golden ticket to Disneyland and free lifetime WiFi.
“I’m going to adopt you,” Tony said, only half-joking. “Or marry you. Haven’t decided.”
“Still figuring out if I like you,” Harry replied, completely unfazed. “You’re a little shiny. Might be overcompensating.”
Natasha walked by, raising a brow. “Found someone more sarcastic than you, Stark?”
“I think I’m in love,” Tony muttered.
“I think you’re doomed,” Natasha replied without slowing.
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