Chapter Text
Today was the first time since the concert that Bloom and Rage had all been together again. Safe to say, it took some work on everyone’s part, and maybe a tiny bit of sneaking out. Kat was thankfully doing better and was well enough to be out of the hospital — with the doctor’s stressing that she try not to over-exert herself. She hadn’t gone into details but she’d told them she was sick with Leukemia and had been receiving treatment for a while now, that she had ‘good and bad days’. They all had their questions but knew to give Kat her space, understanding that she would tell them when she was ready. They’d all worried for her but also knew better than to shower Kat in pity or make her feel like she was made of glass. She was here and okay and that was enough for now.
There was still a lot outside of Kat’s health they still needed to talk about. Namely, the purple abyss they’d seemingly opened and what it mean, or wanted. However, they’d agreed maybe Kat’s first night back wasn’t the time to uncover that mystery. Instead, they’d decided to spend time at Fawn’s Rest in an attempt to regain some normality. It had been an especially hot day and the sky was supposed to be extra clear that evening — Kat having mentioned something about a meteor shower.
The four girls had kept the afternoon simple, arranging a picnic that consisted of mostly candy, left-over pizza and beer Nora had swiped from her dad. Entertainment courtesy of the Lockhart board game collection. As the sun began to set they’d been listening to music and talking about all the plans they still had for the summer, the current topic being Nora’s plans for her upcoming trip to see her mom. She’d decided that if she could swing a new piercing, she might just be able to get a tattoo.
After indulging Nora in the nefarious ways she expected this plan to unfold, Swann excused herself to join Kat, who was laid on a blanket enjoying the view of the stars and nodding her head along to something on her CD player. Swann flashed her a wave.
“Hey, having fun?” the blonde offered, removing one side of the headset.
“With Nora’s stories? Always .” The pair chuckled. “What’cha listening to?”
The question gave pause to Kat, who cleared her throat before answering.
“You-uh, wanna… listen, too?” She eventually offered in a hushed voice.
This practice between them wasn’t unfamiliar, Kat had been sharing music for Swann here and there to help figure out what she liked.
“I’d love to. Want me to grab the radio?”
Kat eyed Nora and Autumn who were sat by the fire laughing about something. “Uh—fuck no. Ummm…” Kat looked at her headset. “I’ll max the volume and we can just hold it. Like this?” the smaller girl demonstrated, holding one side of the headset to her ear and the other facing Swann.
Swann laid down next to Kat and quickly found herself fixating on the closeness between them. She tried her best not to invade Kat’s space, which she must have noticed. “You can scoot over a bit more, promise I don’t bite.” She chuckled.
“Kay so, this is kind of different but just… stick with me, okay?” She was brushing her knuckles against the other in the way she’d made a habit of. “I think you’re gonna dig it.” She hit play. “Hear it okay?”
Swann nodded before realising this was different to anything else Kat had shown her. Seeing a layer of apprehension on Kat’s face, she tried her best to not sound judgemental.
“I didn’t know you liked this kind of thing? It’s… sweet.”
“Believe it or not, I contain multitudes.” Kat joked. “I guess I kinda like all sorts of music — as long as it’s any good. Obviously, Riot Grrrl is my shit but I try to branch out. This album? It’s got like… real poeticism to it. I dunno.”
The tune was slow, more gentle than what she’d typically heard the other girl enjoying; carried by tambourine and melancholy guitar. Swann understood why Kat liked it. It felt like a blend of longing & hopefulness. Something on the edge of both bliss and heartache. Kind of like Kat , she thought.
“I don’t like the idea that music is always defined by genre, y’know? Sure, some stuff sticks better but I think when people really look for it, they can find something in any genre that moves them.” She smiled thoughtfully, taking in the sky and soundtrack between them as dreamy vocals drawled out. “Unless it’s the shit Corey listens to, obviously.” Kat added, making both girls chuckle.
‘I look to you and see the truth’
“I like it. It feels… ethereal?” The redhead offered and Kat smiled in agreement.
Swann wasn’t well-versed in music or the technical terms but she liked hearing Kat talk about it. Kat had been slowly introducing her to bands and songs she’d never heard of otherwise. She liked that Kat really felt the music rather than just heard it, seeing her passion only made the redhead want to discover more. She didn’t know if it was always so much the learning about music or learning about Kat. It was moments like these that Swann got to see a side of Kat that most people never would.
“I’d usually say love songs are too corny for me but there’s something about this one that feels so… raw. The whole shoegaze-y thing just works.”
“Yeah, it’s really pretty. Everything you’ve shown me is good, honestly.” The redhead noted earnestly. “Maybe one day I’ll know what sticks for me.”
“I could… make you a mixtape? If you want.” Kat offered. “So you can try different stuff out.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Yeah, of course.” Swann could’ve sworn she caught a flush in Kat’s cheeks. “It’s no problem.” She smiled.
“I’d like that.” She smiled back, listening to the music again.
‘I think it’s strange you never knew.’
”I’m starting to think you might be sweeter than you let on.” Swann joked, hoping the comment wouldn’t make Kat feel self-conscious.
“Me? Sweet?” She scoffed, “No way, I’m just an appreciator of the arts.”
Swann watched as the blonde hummed quietly along to the lyrics, taking in how the moonlight complimented her. The shadows of the fire flickered across Kat’s face, illuminating her. She was close enough to notice all the freckles scattered across her features. Swann found herself captivated by the way Kat’s eyelashes gently fluttered, bringing attention to how her eyes sparkled while she admired the sky above them. An adoring smile played on her lips — She looked peaceful. She looked pretty, Swann decided, before pulling her gaze away as Kat met hers.
"Stars, I have seen them fall, but when they drop and die, no star is lost at all.” Kat recited.
“What’s that? I don’t recognise it”
“A. E. Housman, old British poet dude.” She stated matter-of-factly.
“It’s nice.” Swan nodded
“Not sure if you’ve noticed,” She chuckled, “but I’ve always loved the nighttime.” she looked back to the sky, “Something about like… the vastness and endlessness of the night sky. It’s comforting.”
Swann hummed in understanding, giving Kat room to continue.
“I-uh… I’ve never been scared of dying . not really…” Swann had to strain to make out Kat’s hushed confession and tried to meet her gaze again, “it’s the ‘after’ that’s scary. The ‘ what comes after’ . My parents obviously buy into the whole heaven crap but — I don’t know… I’d like to think we end up somewhere out there. Somehow.” She tilted her head to the sky. “The ghost of something in the ether long after it’s gone.” She let out a breath she’d been holding in.
Swann took a beat to think before she spoke, unpacking every word Kat was saying.
“Y’know how they say the stars we see are probably all long gone?”
“I’ve heard people say that?” Kat raised an eyebrow.
“So. That’s not completely true? It’s actually pretty hard to tell because nothing travels as fast as light and we can’t really tell apart the old ones with the naked eye…“ Swann could see Kat trying to make sense of her spiel and tried to get to her point. “But that’s not important. I think it doesn’t matter whether they are living or… dead, because we still see them. We get to enjoy them no matter what. If they are there physically or not they stay with us the same. They still shine. I think that’s magical.”
For what felt like a lifetime, Kat just looked at her.
“Wow, that’s uh, it’s a nice way to think of it.“ now Kat was the one unable to look at her. “Shit, Swann! Maybe you’re the poet after all.”
“Me? Geez, no! I’m just a bank of useless facts is all.” She blushed
“I’ve never met anyone else who thinks like that—like you, y’know. You’re a rare one, Holloway.”
Before Swann was able to respond, Kat was leaning in towards her.
“Hold on — this is the best part!” Without hesitation, Kat was reaching over and placing the headphones over her ears. Swann tried not to focus on Kat’s face being just inches away. She watched as Kat studied her, accompanied by the guitar’s crescendo and the beat in her chest that followed.
The feeling was something she’d been experiencing more frequently around Kat. The redhead had admittedly always been an anxious person but something about Kat, the rebellious poet who’d sworn they were fated to meet had awoken a new, unfamiliar anxiety. There were times where Swann found herself unable to meet her gaze without feeling her chest ache. Nights she’d lie awake thinking about the next time she could see her. The fear that being with Kat was something she’d never get enough of. An aching urge to feel closer to her, whether that meant the quiet looks they’d share or the moments Kat would hold her hand for what felt almost too long… She wanted to know all of Kat. She wanted Kat to know her, too. Even when it scared her. Like right now—on the receiving end of the tender gaze Kat offered when removing the headset.
“Hey, Swann…” The sudden timidness in the words brought her back to the moment. “I-uh… I actually wanted to talk about the day of the concert.” She anxiously toyed with the headset.
“What about it? You don’t need to explain anything more, really .” Swann reassured. “We all underst-“
“No—not that.” She interrupted, clearing her throat before she continued, “Before. When we were getting ready…”
“What about it?” Swann tried to follow.
“Fuck-“ she muttered before finally looking at the redhead. “You uh- You were trying to tell me something.” She stated, prompting Swann to understand what she was saying.
Oh.
When Kat did her makeup.
Swann had been trying her best not to ruminate on that moment. With their closeness and the shyness of Kat’s words, she’d actually thought at the time that maybe Kat had been feeling the same anxiety she had. Swann had even almost confessed her feelings then but was thankfully cut off, later reminding herself to keep her expectations realistic.
“Oh, that.” Heat rising to her cheeks. “It was nothing important, really.” She didn’t even believe her own lie.
“You sure?” Kat called her out. “You can tell me anything, y’know?” She placed a hand over Swann’s momentarily, only making the redhead blush harder.
Just not this.
“Honestly, I can’t even remember! It was probably something totally stupid, anyway. Don’t worry about it.” She felt her attempt at evading the question get increasingly less convincing and prayed Kat didn’t take it personally. As she mentally prepared to be pressed further she suddenly felt a weight by her feet.
“Ooooooh, you guys getting cozy?” It was Nora trying to squeeze between the two girls. “Wanna make it a threesome?” She wiggled her eyebrows, proud of herself.
This was the second time Nora had saved Swann from embarrassment and Swann was becoming increasingly grateful for the guitarist’s timing.
“God, you’re such a creep!” Kat quipped but Swann caught the look of frustration from her as she sat up.
“You know you love it.” She added a wink for emphasis. “Sooo, what’cha doing?”
“Obviously talking mad shit about you.” The blonde chuckled.
“Oh I get it—you’re obsessed with me?” She cracked back.
“Keep dreaming.” Kat rolled her eyes with a laugh.
“Kat was just showing me some music.” Swann answered Nora’s question.
“Ooh let me listen!” She said as she reached for the CD player, Kat immediately snatching it away.
“Not a fuckin’ chance.”
“What! So Swann gets to listen but not me? No fair…” She pouted. “Are you a secret Madonna fan or something? Your secret’s safe with me.”
“I think the call is coming from inside the house, actually.” Kat smirked.
“Fine, you got me!” She threw her hands up. “She’s got that whole rebel sex icon thing going on. I’m into it.” She nudged Swann’s shoulder, making the redhead giggle.
“What about you and Autumn, did we miss anything good?” Swann responded.
“Well I was trying to get her to take a dip whilst we still have a little bit of sunlight but Mrs Responsible over there won’t bite.”
“Nor, I can literally hear you!” Autumn yelled, now walking towards the three. “And it’s gonna be cold as shit now—that’s why.”
“Who caaares? We need to make the most of this magnificent summer day!” Nora said dramatically, making them all laugh.
”Y’know what? I’m down.” Kat shrugged and stood up. “Fuck it.”
“Fuck yes !” Nora followed suit. “This is why I love you.” She grabbed the smaller girl by the shoulders. Swann felt an unwelcome sting at the declaration and tried to ignore it. “Swann ?” Nora asked in a song-song voice as she gave a hand to help her up.
“Sure, let’s do it!” She agreed. “But… I don’t have my swimsuit.”
“Me neither. I’m gonna go in like this. I’ll just change into my spares in the cabin.” Kat said nonchalantly, not seeming to care that she’d be swimming in her denim overalls.
“Orrrr… skinny dipping?” Nora suggested with an obnoxious grin.
“Nora, give it a rest!” Autumn chuckled.
“You guys are no fun!” She rolled her eyes. “So, you in?” She poked Autumn’s shoulder for emphasis.
“Fine.” She sighed. “I guess if everyone else is down… I’m in.” Autumn gave in.
“Thank God for peer pressure! Now let’s do this before the sun sets.” Nora practically ran towards the water, the others following behind her excitement, kicking their shoes off.
Nora was able to get as far as having her calf’s in the water before she stopped in her tracks.
“Uh. Warning, it’s a little cold.”
“Ha– told you!” Autumn laughed, gauging the reaction of the other girls before following.
“It’s not that bad.” Kat mocked, surpassing Nora with no issue and signalling for Swann to join her.
Swann tested out the water, dipping her toes in first. It could be worse, she decided and tried her best to catch up with the blonde.
“It’s honestly kinda nice.” Kat chuckled. “Get in here!” She yelled to Autumn, who followed.
“I don’t know if I’d call this a nice temperature…” Autumn protested after taking a few steps. “it’s- WHAT THE HELL?! ”
Swann looked over to see Nora had splashed the other girl and was stifling a laugh.
“Just helping you get used to it.” She tried to feign innocence.
With that, Autumn attacked Nora back, collecting some of the water in her hands and attempting to throw it at her.
“Hey! That is seriously uncalled for… ”She protested, her hair now slightly wet.
“Don’t give what you can’t take.” Autumn laughed back.
Within seconds, all three girls were hit by a tidal wave. Nora had decided to dive-bomb as part of her revenge. A cacophony of yelling from the girls followed.
“Fuck that’s cold.” Nora shivered in the water but cackled nonetheless.
“Good!” Autumn shot back. “I seriously hope you catch the flu.” She was pulling at the wet clothes on her skin. “You suck.” She half-joked, clearly unimpressed.
“Dude…. Innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire here?!” Kat groaned, pointing between herself and Swann. “You’re lucky you’re already in the water.” She added with a chuckle.
Swann was shivering and trying to stabilize herself, her hair drenched and sticking to her eyes. Kat must’ve noticed her struggle because Swann soon felt her toying with her hair.
“C’mere,” Swann could hear her smirk as she helped tuck the strands behind her ear. She felt her face redden at the feeling of Kat’s fingers tracing her cheekbones. “You good?”
“Mhm. A-all good.” Swann was grateful she could play off her reaction to the cold and took a slight step backwards, feeling overwhelmed by the display of care. “Thanks.” She smiled.
“Nora, you’re turning blue.” Autumn held out a hand out to her. “Come on, I’m heading back to the cabin.” The guitarist didn’t argue and took the help.
“That fireplace does sound so good right now.” Nora gave in.
The girls all agreed and soon headed back to change out of their now soaking clothes. They’d spent the rest of the evening sat by the fire together, theorising Bloom & Rage’s next move and Kat had even shared ideas for what their next song could be. Nora had decided to smoke and was falling asleep mid-conversation when Autumn suggested they call it a night. She was always good at maintaining a healthy sleep schedule, even on late nights they’d spend at Fawns Rest.
Swann had tried to get some rest but found her mind racing and fighting her body's restlessness—which Kat must’ve noticed.
“Can’t sleep?” Kat whispered, nearly startling the redhead. Swann shook her head sheepishly. “Neither.” The blonde flashed a smile and Swann caught a mischievous look from her.
Swann was surprised to see Kat get up, gently climbing out of her sleeping bag. She was careful not to wake the other girls. When Kat extended a hand towards her, the redhead didn’t think twice before taking it. Swann shot her a confused look before realising that Kat was guiding her to the attic. Once at the top the pair took a seat overlooking the lake — both illuminated by the night sky once again.
“Figured you could use a distraction.” Kat chuckled. “Besides, I wasn’t gonna sleep anytime soon. Better to be insomniacs together.” She nudged Swann’s shoulder lightly.
“Usually I have no problem sleeping, bed is my happy place.”
“Something on your mind?”
“I guess so...” Swann tried not to let her deflation show. “I keep thinking about how quickly this summer is moving. I’ve easily had the best time of my life with you guys but I can’t help thinking about it ending and… moving away .” She sighed. “I just don’t want to miss anything — I don’t want to miss you.” She felt her face flush lightly at the admission.
“Hey,” Kat took her hand, interlocking their fingers and Swann hoped she wouldn’t notice the lilt in her breath. “We’ve still got plenty of time, right?” She felt the blonde squeeze her hand. “I’m not letting you leave without doing all of the things. We’re gonna make every second count, ‘kay? Your mom is probably gonna fuckin’ kill us when she see’s how we’ve corrupted you.” Kat’s attempt to make Swann smile worked.
“Is that so…” Swann giggled. “What shenanigans did you have in mind?”
“Well, Nora’s got you smoking, we cursed the hell outta Corey and we’ve already broken into the Blue Spruce so… we’re pretty on track.” She stated matter-of-factly.
“And what about you? Anything you’ve yet to tick off this summer's list?”
“Uhhhh? I mean, I actually have friends now—fucking cool ones at that—so that was kind of a big win.” She regarded and Swann nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, me too.” Now it was her time to squeeze Kat’s hand. “And um… I don’t know-I guess…” She took a second to think. “Any classic teenager stuff? Like, the movies!” She added. Kat scoffed but hesitated.
“Uh, well… according to Nora, it’s a crime to be unkissed at 16.” She mocked . Clearly I didn’t get the normal teenager memo.” She mocked.
“Guess we’re both getting locked up in that case.” Swann chuckled. “Although, you did technically kiss Nora…” She toyed.
“Ugh, no way, that totally doesn’t count!”
“Yeah… again, I’m really sorry if that was weird.” Swann reiterated despite knowing Kat didn’t mind. “Nora actually offered to kiss me, too.” she added.
“Of course she did… such a player.” Kat rolled her eyes playfully.
“Maybe I should’ve taken her up on it. It would save future-me the hassle.” She half-joked. “Assuming I even get other offers.” Swann mentally kicked herself for adding the last comment.
“Probably more of a chance than me.” Kat joked half-heartedly and Swann tried not to think too hard about her implication or the way Kat’s smile wavered. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Swann… any loser would be lucky.”
“Loser? Geez, good to know you have faith.” Swann tried to joke, realising it didn’t come off as confident as she’d hoped.
“Wait-no-I just meant like… you’re the best!” Kat was visibly flustered. “I mean fuck—I’d kiss you and I’m great-”
They sat in deafening silence as they both processed what Kat had said.
“No way.” Swann tried to play it off. “You’re just saying that.”
“Is that a dare ?”
Swann felt a familiar ache in her chest, suddenly struck by the implication of Kat’s words. She mustered all the confidence she had before responding.
“Y-yeah. It is. I dare you.” She hoped Kat wouldn’t notice her nerves. “Triple dog.”
She realised she’d caught the poet off guard when she saw her shift slightly. Kat let the silence sit between them for a moment.
“You know I can’t say no to a dare…” Her voice low, wavering slightly.
Whilst Swann’s brain tried to catch up with what Kat was suggesting, the other girl had moved closer to her, leaning ever-so-slightly into her. If Swann hadn’t already been desperately aware of how close the two now were, the warmth from feeling Kat brushed against her would’ve made her jump. She dared to meet the blonde’s gaze and caught a familiar, bold look that she’d come to savour. She tried to fight the thought that, maybe, she’d wanted this more than she’d admit.
“Oh-uh…” she stuttered, still feeling the burn of Kat’s stare on her. “Kat, it’s fine .” She started, avoiding looking at her. “I was- I was just kidding. You shouldn’t feel like you have to, is all. Is this too weird ? I feel lik-“
“Swann,” Kat stopped her, a slight chuckle. “Just… shut up for a sec.”
Kat’s word’s combined with the hand she’d placed on her cheek cut off anything else Swann had to say. She could barely think. Kat’s face was inches away from hers, angling Swann’s chin towards herself and her hands were shaking. Kat’s eyes trailed over the details of her face, stopping momentarily once they reached her lips. Swann watched as the girl‘s breath hitched. Kat muttered something that could just barely be made out;
“Swann? ” Their eyes met.
The sudden warmth of Kat’s lips against her own nearly made her brain short-circuit. It was both tender and electrifying. Bliss and terror. The redhead let herself lean into it, feeling Kat’s hold on her tighten. The previous ache in her chest now replaced by a burn that radiated through her. She tried to focus her mind on the feeling of Kat’s lips, yearning to commit every detail to memory somehow. She wanted to hold on to the feeling. To Kat . Swann didn’t know what she was doing, but she knew she didn’t want it to end. A revelation that frightened her.
As if she’d read her mind, Kat pulled away. Swann immediately felt the absence of her warmth — the chill of the night air bringing her back to reality. Kat looked like a deer in headlights.
“That was…” is all Swann could manage, still breathless and dazed.
“A bad idea .” Kat’s voice was suddenly sharp, making Swann’s stomach drop. The other girl couldn’t look at her. “I uh- I think I should go.”
“Kat, hold on-“ Her plea made no difference. The poet had near-enough ran from the attic, leaving Swann alone, disoriented and reeling over Kat’s words.
‘It was a bad idea.’