Chapter Text
Mirth is the Mail of Anguish -
In which its cautious arm,
Lest anybody spy the blood
And "you're hurt" exclaim. - E.D.
"Before you guys, my only friends were the fucking deer on the ranch, but..."
Kat glanced at the girl with the camcorder, then away again.
Made it easier to talk, but didn't stop her eyes from moistening up. Fuck, she hated it when her body betrayed her, every fucking day.
"It's a hunting farm. They're bred to die", she muttered. The unease persisted, she was saying more than she had intended, but if she ever was going to trust anyone with this, it was Swann Holloway. Awkward, weird, but in a good way Swann Holloway who loved animals seemingly as much as Kat did.
She gazed up to meet Swann's eyes, in this case one was covered by the inscrutably reflective lens of the camera, the other closed tightly. At least this way Kat wasn't confronted with pitiful looks.
"I felt alone a lot, unless I was with Gertie."
"You mentioned her once. Who is she?", Swann asked.
Kat considered the way to go about this for a second. Telling Swann would mean she had someone to confide in, it wouldn't mean she had to tell her everything. And with Gertie's story on tape she wouldn't have to tell her parents, she could just show them. This was the perfect opportunity to get her perspective recorded.
"When I was a kid I was pretty normal. I went to church like a good girl, even wore a dress. There was this one day mom pushed my buttons and I snapped. I called her a bitch."
"Whoa...", Swann breathed in that adorable way she always did when it came to stuff she'd never do because she was far too kind. Though come to think of it, Swann so would have called Corey a bitch two days ago if he'd given her one more reason to.
Kat hid a mood-breaking smile.
"Yeah, she got mad. Back before - back then she used to get real mad about stuff like that", she corrected, "I got grounded for days, but I snuck out and fell asleep behind the library. When I woke up there was this fawn standing a few feet away. She was limping, bite marks all over one leg. Guys like my dad would have just shot her there and then. Called it mercy, like he'd - like he'd be feeling any pity for - fuck."
Wiping her burning eyes, Kat got up. He wouldn't call the vet for either of their dogs, but Kat needed to be checked on all the time. She felt the air tightening in her lungs. "You can edit that out, right Swann? I want to go again."
"Uh, sure."
Kat got as far as "C" for cool before she started coughing. Instinctively she turned away - not that she could infect anyone with this fucking shit - while she tried to suppress the worst of it. It resulted in her lungs feeling close to rupture, but she held it down to little more than a clearing of throat.
When she turned back, Swann had lowered the camera and was looking at her with the pity she hated from other people.
"Are you okay?"
Every time that question came up, Kat considered just telling them. It was purely hypothetical though. Either the abyss-thing would work or she was dead anyway. And she wasn't going to spend her remaining time getting those sad looks and kid glove treatment from her friends as well. Now that she had finally found some.
"Yeah", she said hoarsely and managed a grin, "Fucking playground dust. They call this the Great Lake State, but forgot to mention the deserts in between."
That earned her a chuckle from Swann though she didn't seem fully reassured.
"I just need a sec."
"Take your time. Do you want a drink?"
"Nah", Kat said, mostly out of reflex of refusing offers in general. "But thanks."
If she'd ever tell one of them, it would be Swann. Her attitude was less pity and more empathy, her suggestions carefree helpfulness, honest.
It was only when Swann turned her head that Kat realized she'd been staring. Fuck, she'd been staring again!
"Hey, we could continue over there!", Swann said, "At the see-saw deer."
Kat let out a breath she hadn't been aware of holding. This wasn't about her leukemia, this was about Gertie and getting her story on tape so her parents would know which deer to kill only at the risk of getting haunted by their own daughter.
"Yeah, great idea."
------------------------------------------
"I was like, twelve. I got grounded, so I snuck out. Fell asleep behind the library. When I woke up there was this fawn. She had a bite mark on her leg, didn't look good. Guys like my dad would probably just leave her to die."
"Did you take the fawn home?", Swann followed up immediately. At least Kat's coughing fit hadn't broken the suspense. "You saved her?"
"Obviously. Thought I'd never go home that day, but - " Once she'd been confronted with this hurt fawn, there had been no question of running. "I did, for her, for all the deer i had to watch die at home, for all the deer I watched die on the ranch. I named her Gertie. And I will never let them kill her."
Kat glared at the camera, imagining how her parents would watch this.
"Never", she repeated.
Swann's head bobbed in agreement behind the camcorder. "That's... I'm glad you got her through, and that she has you to protect her. Is she's still like - tame?"
"Only towards me."
"Oh, so I guess filming her is off the table, isn't it?"
There was an unmistakable undercurrent of hope in Swann's voice. Kat hadn't thought that far ahead, but if she was going to leave her parents a tape with this, what would be better than some additional footage of Gertie herself? This seemed like a good plan to ensure her safety. As much as it was possible. Though certainly easier said than done. It would also put her in a situation where it was only the two of them - plus Gertie - just like today. With Nora and Autumn around things seemed to fall into place naturally, banter and such, alone with Swann it was less... more thoughtful, even deeper.
Swann fidgeted behind the camera. "Sorry for asking, it was a stupid -"
"It's fine", Kat interrupted and got up from the see-saw deer that was becoming a bit uncomfortable, "We could give it a try. She doesn't like other people, but then again neither do I. But I trust you, Swann. Like, I know you'll cut the stuff I don't want on tape. And you love animals. We'll try, just don't be disappointed if Gertie's gone at first sight."
"I won't. Oh, this is so cool!", Swann piped, gesticulating with one arm while holding the camera in place with the other. "An all-special Kat and deer recording!"
Despite feeling kinda drained and out in the open after sharing that much about herself, Kat couldn't help but to chuckle at Swann's enthusiasm. "Yeah, super special."
She walked over to one of those tree stump imitations and sat down. "Any more questions?"
"Uh... why the name Gertie?"
"It's for Gertrude Sanford Legendre." By now Gertie had just become Gertie. Kat hadn't thought about her namesake in terms of her namesake in years. "Back then I though there could always hope for people to shift their minds for the better. Even if it's fucking unlikely... " Or for people to reach their nineties.
There was an uncharacteristic pause from Swann in which Kat had time to start hating her words. "Naive, right?", she muttered.
"I don't know. I like that way of thinking", Swann said with as much understated conviction as only she could.
Anytime before standing at the abyss, or coming from anyone else, those words would have made Kat snap and explain why this way of thinking was bullshit. Right now, she wanted to like it as well, to believe it again.
"Yeah. I thought you might", Kat said and made the mistake to try and explain herself, "I just don't - I dunno - ugh, I stuttered. My bad... "
She barely had time to brace before her body tried to rid itself of her lungs again. It fucking sucked today.