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Eddie can already tell some things on Buck’s mind. He’s stammering, forcing their normally regular touches, and is actively avoiding his attempts at eye contact. At first Eddie ignores it, chalking it up to it just being Buck adjusting to Eddie coming back from Texas.
He has recently returned from his two week leave to Texas instead of full relocation. He went down there, sat down with Chris and explained everything that happened with Kim and everything that's still happening with him. While in Texas, Eddie may or may not have run into his childhood friend, Oliver Lopez. Who also may or not have been Eddie’s first kiss. First kiss with - a man. And that reunion may or may not have sparked Eddie into thinking about what would’ve happened to him if he didn’t run. Didn’t push those emotions and thoughts down. Allowed himself that joy .
What it did do is have him imagine what that joy would’ve looked like with Buck . But the moment that thought crossed his mind he squashed it down. Not because it felt wrong, quite the opposite actually. Imagining him and Buck - together - felt right. Correct. Natural even if Eddie allowed himself that grace.
Eddie planned on telling Buck that while he didn’t know what he was, he definitely wasn’t straight. That was his middle ground. A half truth. Eddie isn’t straight. But Eddie also knows Buck plays a role in it - a role Eddie won’t tell Buck about or allow himself to think about. The plan was thwarted with Buck’s growing distance. A distance Eddie would not let stand.
“Buck you know you can talk to me right?” he questions trying to hold his gaze. Buck avoiding his eye contact is strange to say the least. Buck loves eye contact. Eddie is the one who can’t stand it. So right now everything is wrong.
Eddie settles for tucking his leg under him and bumping his knee against Buck’s thigh. The movement is small and quick - Eddie noticed it anyways, he notices everything about Buck. Buck had jumped at the contact. Eddie frowned and leaned forward still trying to get Buck to look at him. He was about to give up when Buck blurted out -
“I slept with Tommy!” Is what he basically shouted in a hushed whisper. Something Eddie usually found endearing. That such a big man could make such quiet tones still loud. But the name Buck said made Eddie veins run cold. His inside twist in anger. His jaw clenched together more than even his mother could manage.
“What?” was all he could manage to say.
Buck clapped both his hands over his face and sighed. “When you left, I slept with Tommy. W-well not the same exact day but that week. I … Eddie I…” He stopped talking as he finally looked at Eddie. Buck could see the anger radiating off him and as if it could touch him, Buck shrunk further away.
This wasn’t a panic attack. So why couldn’t he breathe Eddie wondered. Why did he feel wronged? Cheated on? Buck wasn’t his. Buck was his own man and free to do anything he wanted.
Anything but Tommy Kinard is what he concluded on.
Oh and Taylor Kelly. Abby Clark as well.
He could do anything as long as it didn’t involve them. “Why Tommy?” he asked through gritted teeth.
“Huh?”
Eddie’s anger sparked again and before he could stop himself he stood up. “Why fuck your ex? An ex that dumped you with a lame ass excuse which then led you right to my front door desolate. What happened to that Buck 1.0 - or whatever you call it - energy huh? What was the reason?”
“You wouldn’t understand Eddie” Buck choked, taken back by Eddie’s outburst.
“Try me!” Eddie hissed. He dragged his hands over his face. What is wrong with him? Why is he so angry? Why does Buck fucking his ex instead of him bother him so much. Wait why was that his line of - oh . Eddie turned around and exhaled a heavy sigh. Jealousy. That's what he’s feeling. He would’ve preferred to be the one with Buck in a sexual way. Well actually as he thinks about it, he wouldn’t mind being with Buck period.
While he chose to not acknowledge it in Texas here in front of Buck, in this house with basically a decades worth of domesticated memories, he had no room but to acknowledge. He was not straight and he was probably in love with his best friend. Wait no not probably he is in love with his best friend. A realization that should shake Eddie’s very world. But it doesn’t. It brings him peace, a momentary calmness. Which is quickly shattered by Buck’s answer.
“I was lonely, Eds”
Eddie blinked and tilted his head thinking he heard him wrong. “What?”
“I was lonely Edddie! You left and it hollowed me out. Didn’t even bother asking me if I wanted to come. Just up and decided only to respect me enough to tell me four hours before your flight.”
“Buck –”
“No Eddie!” Buck stood up and slightly towered over Eddie. “You left and I had to find something to stop that hollow feeling from eating me alive. So yes I slept with Tommy. And why are you so angry about that?”
“You missed me so you slept with that thing?!?!” Eddie seethed incredulously.
“Answer my question Eddie” Buck tried to say back with the same amount of venom but it came out more as a plea.
And before Eddie could rationalize the heated pool in his stomach at the idea of Buck begging and pleading, his mouth moved on its own. “Because why couldn’t you wait for me? W-we could’ve figured something out!”
No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. Eddie didn’t just say that is all he could think about. Not Eddie’s anger. Not the growls at the mere sound of the name Tommy. Only the words wait for me . Those words mixed with Buck’s persistence that Eddie is straight did not mix well.
He wanted to run and his eyes darted around looking for a way out. Over the couch? Just shove past Eddie? Spontaneously combust? Each option seemed flawed and not fast enough. But Buck’s mind fell silent when Eddie grabbed his chin and forced him to look at him. Those expressive brown eyes. Even when Buck first met Eddie it was his eyes that drew him in. Eddie’s eyes communicated all his eyes before his face could. Ones that particularly held well were fondness, love, worry, and grief. All which Eddie carried simultaneously.
Buck considered himself a simple man in some regards. Give him love, care, time, and understanding and he’d do whatever you ask. Eddie did all that with his eyes – and of course his actions and words. But sometimes all Eddie had to do was look at him and he was done for.
He couldn’t tell Eddie that’s why he slept with Tommy. That he slept with Tommy because for a split second the alcohol made Tommy’s brown eyes remind him of his home in Eddie’s gaze. That he stripped himself bare for Tommy to consume because he was submerged in the familiar claim that Eddie held. What would Eddie think of an explanation like that? Pathetic, that’s what he’d think.
The corners of Eddie’s lips lifted slightly and a dark glaze shifted in his warm eyes. “Sit down.”
Curt. Short. Precise. It was a command.
“Eddie… I can’t. I have to –”
“That wasn’t an option Buckley. Sit. Down.” Eddie used his grip on Buck’s chin to start shifting him towards the couch, as if he knew Buck would listen.
“ Eds please…” Buck couldn’t stand the sound of him begging but he could care less right now. Between the sound of Eddie commanding him, his overwhelming emotions, and being half hard, all he wanted to do was run. Run far away from the possibility that Eddie wanted Buck the same way his heart wanted Eddie.
Eddie narrowed his eyes at him, clearly irritated that Buck wasn’t listening. He made an attempt to remove his hand but Buck grabbed his wrist. There was a shine in those amber eyes. He was amused by Buck’s submission. Eddie raised his eyebrow and laughed briskly.
Buck saw no other option and finally sat back down. Posture straight because he feared this would fall apart if Eddie removed his touch from him. Chin cupped by Eddie. His body melting under the watchful eyes of - oh. That’s what Tommy meant. Eddie was his last . It was this or nothing.
It was this realization that made Buck spring back up, only to have Eddie splay his full palm onto his chest and shove him down. Eddie then lowered himself onto Buck straddling him from all angles. Thighs connected. Eddie’s hands pressed into each shoulder.
“Why can’t you be a good boy for me huh Buck?” he whispered into his ear. As he leaned back to grab his chin again, he sharply brought their gazes together. “Is it because I’m not Tommy? Is that who you want?” he growled slowly.
“Ed-Eddie, that isn’t fair. Please I can’t” is all Buck could manage. For a second guilt washed over Eddie’s eyes, then something akin to sadness, and lastly he went neutral.
“You’re right. I’ll get up and you can go. We can act like this never happened,” Eddie sighed. He loosens his hold on Buck’s chin. He doesn’t know what came over him. Part of him believes that Buck has to at least want something from Eddie or he would’ve been left. Part of Eddie needs Buck to want him. To love him back. Because Eddie doesn’t think he could ever give this kind of love to anyone else.
But Eddie realized he pushed too far and too hard. There was a normal way to have handled this situation but normal isn’t what they do. What BuckandEddie do. BuckandEddie pulled a grenade out of a man’s leg and made a homoromantic promise to have each other's back. BuckandEddie have been co-parenting a child together for nearly a decade. BuckandEddie know each other better than anyone else. BuckandEddie are bound by legal documents on both ends. BuckandEddie were each other's safe place. BuckandEddie is how they are meant to be.
They did all that and never realized they were in love. But Eddie took their comfortable not normal and destroyed it. So Eddie placed his hands on the couch behind Buck’s head and before getting he looked at Buck. Hoping that he could spell out his desperation with his eyes. All Buck did was lower his gaze and that was all Eddie needed to know at that moment.
Don’t let him get up, Buck. Don’t let him get up, Buck. Don’t let him get up, Buck. Don’t let him get up, Buck. That’s all that crossed his mind as Eddie started to move away. Is he allowed to want Eddie? Allowed to have him permanently? Allowed to settle that plea of desperation in Eddie’s eyes? The more Buck thought about it, the further away Eddie got. The further away the possibility of them got. So Buck didn’t let him get up.
He grabbed Eddie’s waist and pulled him back onto his lap. He had to swallow the moan that danced in his throat. He knew he was hard. That Eddie was hard. The sudden rush of pressure finally brought momentary relief. He noticed Eddie’s neck running red and his Adam's apple bob. Now it seems like Eddie’s gaze intensifies with Buck’s hands engulfing his waist. Buck turned his gaze back down towards their conjoined bodies unable to handle all the emotions in Eddie’s brown eyes.
“Come on let me see those pretty blues Buck,” Eddie whispers loud enough for Buck to hear. He shakes his head no, hoping that Eddie will resort to what he did before.
“Tsk tsk tsk such a brat,” Eddie laughed. “Look at me Buckley.”
With the high of being commanded and a shy smile in tow, he lifted his head back and met Eddie’s gaze. Buck doesn’t know he expected to see when he met Eddie’s gaze but the sheer volume of fond love in the brown pools, made Buck breathe easy again.
“It was because he had brown eyes, Eddie,” he says quietly. “Brown like yours.” Not needed but added for emphasis.
“Because of my eyes?” Eddie clearly didn’t understand, as the lines between his eyebrows furrowed immediately.
Buck chuckles to himself. “Eddie, your eyes are my favorite feature. The first thing I noticed about you. Did you know they say eyes are windows to the soul Eddie? And each time I look into your eyes it feels like you formed a portion of your soul solely to keep me. I know it’s a crazy and selfish thing to say, but it’s true.” Buck stopped and Eddie blinked slowly at him, his way of telling him to continue. “So that mixed with the alcohol and me missing you, I found temporary solace in another pair of brown eyes. That’s the truth Eddie… I swear.” He knows the last part wasn’t needed but he had to be absolute in that statement.
Eddie’s shoulders started to shake a little. He had moved his face behind his hands and it looked like Eddie was trying to stop himself from crying? The answer becomes very clear when a laugh rips across the quiet tension in the house. Eddie is laughing at him. For a moment Buck was embarrassed. He just emptied his heart out and Eddie is sitting here on his lap nonetheless laughing. But then a giggle bubbled in his throat and the sounds of their laughter soon merged.
After a moment, Eddie cupped Buck’s face in his hands. “One, it's not crazy or selfish. Even without realizing I made a home for you inside me and I don’t regret it. Two, I believe you Buck. And three, Evan I love you. All of you and while it’s all new saying it outloud, loving you comes as naturally for me as breathing. I hope you feel the same.”
“Well if I didn’t this would definitely shift our whole relationship around. Because I want you to have all of me Eddie and I hope I can have all of you,” he says warmly.
“You’ve had all of me since you introduced me to Carla, Buck. We’re just making it official now.”
“We definitely did it out of order, didn’t we?” Buck laughs and brings one of his hands to the back of Eddie’s neck. “Now can this good boy get a kiss from his hot commanding boyfriend-soon to be husband or no?”
“Hmm depends on if you can fulfill my commands Buckley” Eddie simply replies with a loving smirk.
Buck arches his eyebrows and wiggles them, getting a small laugh out of Eddie. That gets Eddie to state his commands. “One, put your hand back where it belongs. Two, kiss me if you want it. Three, carry me to the bedroom so I can make you forget about that freak. Lastly, be a good boy and call me your husband again.”
“Your wish is my command my dear husband,” Buck laughs as he uses waist to pull them closer and sink them into a kiss that is definitely worth an eight year wait.
If Eddie had to describe their first kiss the word all-knowing comes to mind. Despite this being new territory for the both of them, their lips fell into a comfortable sync. Their tongues pushed softly asking the other for permission. Their breathing and heart beats lulled to the same beat. What was new was the sounds Buck made. He was a vocal which didn't surprise Eddie. But it was the whimper that Eddie swallowed when he tugged on Buck hair to kiss him deeper. The whimper burned a new sensation in him, that made him appreciate the sound of the bedroom door closing.
Evan Buckley will soon learn his lesson for even thinking he could temporarily replace him.