Chapter Text
Sephiroth studies Cloud’s face in the dim light of the room. There’s barely enough light to see by the light of the street lamp outside, but it’s still better lighting than the green glow of the mako tank.
Cloud’s lips are parted slightly as he breathes gently in and out. It’s so nice to be able to see them. Usually they are covered up by the breathing mask.
His hair is its springy self once more, spiking out in every direction. Cloud’s mother had always despaired of trying to get it to lay flat and “presentable”. Sephiroth wonders what she would think if she knew what he had done. The price Cloud had paid.
He shifts anxiously on his knees besides Cloud’s low race-car bed. It’s too small for him now that he’s 16, and it was too small for him when he… it’s been too small for him for a while, but Cloud had been really attached to it and Dad refuses to allow anything to be changed in Cloud’s room.
Sephiroth runs a hand through Cloud’s hair. “Wake up soon, buddy, and we’ll do all of your favorite things, ok?”
Cloud’s face remains passive, completely relaxed. Sephiroth feels a bit impatient for him to wake up. There’s so much he has to make up for, and so little time.
It’s not as if they can start while it’s dark out, but it’s been a while since he heard his voice or saw his blue eyes. He can’t wait until tomorrow for their reunion.
As if on cue, Cloud’s soft yellow eyebrows wrinkle into a frown. He’s waking up! Sephiroth sits up on his knees to lean over him in excitement.
“Ngh!” Cloud makes a cute sound and his brow furrows further, Sephiroth can feel his own heart beginning to hammer and he leans back to center himself and take a calming breath. This is not the first time he’s been through this, so why is he always so anxious?
He can’t help it. He just loves his brother so much.
Cloud gasps and his eyes shoot open. His eyes roam wildly over the ceiling and the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars there as if they hold the key to the universe. He doesn’t see Sephiroth at first, and Sephiroth holds his breath.
Will he remember him? How much will he remember? As long as he doesn’t remember what happened, everything will be much easier.
Cloud’s breathing evens out as he stares at the ceiling in confusion. It appears that he doesn’t remember where he is.
Sephiroth leans forward into his point of view before he can lose his nerve. There’s no way to know what Cloud remembers, he can only hope that Cloud will accept him.
As soon as Cloud sees him, he jerks and scuttles back as if he’d seen a monster. His head bangs loudly against the wall, and Sephiroth winces.
“It’s me.”
Sephiroth tries to make his voice as soothing as possible, hoping that it’s just the bad lighting that has Cloud imagining things. Maybe he should have turned the light on, but Cloud often complains about the light being too bright, so he thought the transition might be easier this way.
“I know it’s you!” Cloud snaps back.
He’s reaching for something above his shoulder, hand grasping wildly at the air in an attempt to find something that isn’t there. His expression is going from scared to panicked.
Sephiroth sighs. It can never be easy, can it.
He tries to keep his voice calm and soothing, “Do you know who you are?”
“I’m Cloud.”
Sephiroth stifles a sigh of relief. Well, that’s something at least. At least he knows who he is, though it’s clear that he doesn’t know who Sephiroth is. Or that he thinks he is his enemy. Sephiroth’s heart aches. The last thing he wants is for Cloud to look at him that way.
“That’s right. Do you know where you are?”
Sephiroth is pretty sure that he doesn’t, but he can’t give up hope. Maybe Cloud will remember this time.
“Edge. Where else?” Cloud sounds angry.
This again. One of his delusions. Sephiroth can’t help sighing. “I think you’re having an episode again.”
Cloud moves suddenly, yanking on the collar of Sephiroth’s shirt to pull him down, straddling him and grabbing his throat, he presses down as if he means to kill Sephiroth.
Sephiroth tries to pull away, he doesn’t want to hurt Cloud. Why does he have to be like this sometimes?
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you!” Cloud has more leverage now, and presses down harder.
It’s difficult to speak now, but Sephiroth needs to get through to him. “I’m your brother.”
Cloud’s face goes through an impressive gamut of emotions. Shock, horror, disgust, anger, disbelief, confusion, and grief, before settling on anger.
“You’re not my fucking brother! Don’t call me that!”
Sephiroth makes one last attempt to reason with him, but he can only get out a few words like this. “Please, Cloud.”
He doesn’t expect Cloud will listen to him at this point, but he has to try. He needs Cloud to trust him.
But Cloud’s face becomes a rictus of hatred and he presses with crushing force against Sephiroth’s windpipe. Sephiroth has no choice but to flip him over and bring the syringe that he’d left on the floor by the bed up to jab into Cloud’s neck.
Cloud jolts and his face is the perfect image of surprised outrage, before his eyes lose their focus and his hands go lax. He slumps under Sephiroth and he mumbles, his words slurring together.
“Kill you! Bastard! You always…! Why? Why did you… why?”
Sephiroth’s heart clenches and he shushes Cloud, running his hands soothingly through his hair.
“I’m sorry, Cloud. I’m sorry, please forgive me. Please? I can’t bear it if you hate me.”
But Cloud doesn’t hear him.
Sephiroth arranges Cloud’s limp limbs into what he hopes is a comfortable configuration and kisses him on the forehead.
“Sleep, little brother. Sleep, my little stormcloud. I promise to give you everything you ever wanted when you wake. I’m sorry. I know it’s all my fault… I didn’t mean-”
“Did he wake up yet?”
Their father is standing in the door to Cloud’s bedroom, a disapproving scowl on his prematurely aging face.
Sephiroth jerks back, away from Cloud, his spine stiffening. He hopes Dad didn’t see how he was embracing Cloud. He feels a sick feeling of despair curdling in his gut. If Dad decides to rescind his permission for Sephiroth to spend time with Cloud, then he’ll have nothing left.
“Well, boy? Are you going to answer me? I’m certain I heard voices.”
Sephiroth clears his throat, “Yeah, he woke up. He just… he had a bit of an episode, but I’m sure it’s only temporary. He just needs time to adjust. He often does.”
Dad snorts, “I don’t know why I bother letting you run around with him. This experiment of letting him get fresh air and exercise isn’t supplying the results I need. You’re wasting my time.”
Sephiroth feels the despair rising in his throat and he swallows heavily. “It’ll get results this time! You’ll see! I promise!”
“Your promises aren’t worth anything! You think I don’t know what you’re up to, boy? You think you’re sneaky, but remember, I’m wise to you. You’d better not try anything!”
Sephiroth feels a flutter of hope, “I can keep trying?”
Dad blows out an annoyed huff. “It’s too early to need replacements yet. You have one month. I’d say don’t disappoint me, but we both know that’s not possible.”
He pushes away from the door and heads for the backroom, muttering to himself.
Sephiroth breathes a sigh of relief. He crushes Cloud’s unconscious body to himself. “I promise, baby brother! I promise that this time it will work, and then we’ll be together forever. No more separation and confusion. This time it will work. It has to!”
*~*
In the morning, Sephiroth gives Cloud his space. Cloud clearly believes Sephiroth to be the bad guy. What exactly that entails, Sephiroth isn’t sure, but he’s heard several fantastical stories about himself from Cloud before. He has a creative mind. Sephiroth wishes that Cloud had been able to channel that creativity into something else before he started to lose his mind. Maybe it would have helped him if he could have written his stories down instead of letting them cloud and consume his mind.
Was it just an inevitable result of the injury to his brain? Or was there something more that Sephiroth could have done. The question gnaws at him as he listens to Cloud moving about in his room.
He’s relieved that Cloud hasn’t tried to escape out of the window, though that’s been sealed shut for some time now. All the windows in the house have been sealed shut to prevent him from running off. That hasn’t stopped him from trying to break through them before.
Sephiroth is poised to be ready to run out and chase him down if that happens. His legs are much longer than Cloud’s. He can outrun him easily, but he’d rather not have to.
He can’t help the smile that breaks out on his face when Cloud shows up in the kitchen for breakfast. Cloud scowls at him, looking remarkably like their father for an instant.
Sephiroth shakes off that disturbing thought and greets him warmly, “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”
Long experience has taught him that it’s better to act as if an episode never happened.
Cloud grunts, eyeing Sephiroth with suspicion, but he doesn’t attack him. Progress.
Sephiroth pretends that he isn’t bothered by Cloud’s bad mood or the stiff posture of his body. He sits down at the table to make himself seem like less of a threat to Cloud.
There’s a syringe within easy reach, taped to the underside of the table. Sephiroth can rip it off at a moment's notice if he needs to. He focuses on relaxing his posture, hoping that Cloud will take his cue from him.
Cloud stares at the combination of cereal and toast on the table like it’s somehow dangerous, and Sephiroth hopes that Cloud won’t accuse him of trying to poison him again.
He pours himself a bowl of cereal and pours milk over it as if to say, See? It’s safe to eat.
Cloud sits down, wary reluctance written on every line of his body. He barely blinks, like he needs to watch Sephiroth. As if Sephiroth is the one who might attack him.
Sephiroth focuses on acting nonchalant. “How are you feeling?” he asks, as if Cloud merely had a bit of a fever last night that should have cleared up by now.
“Fine.”
Cloud’s voice is clipped and hostile. If he’s fine, then Sephiroth is a winged bird. Or maybe the angel that his mother had hoped he would be when she named him.
Sephiroth watches Cloud out of the corner of his eye and sees the moment when Cloud notices the knife.
Sephiroth had decided to test him by placing a steak knife instead of a butter knife on the table next to the plate of toast and the jam.
Will Cloud try to attack him again if he believes he has the advantage?
Sephiroth had taken extensive jiu jitsu classes in high-school. He’s well versed in the various ways to take a knife off of an assailant without harming them or being harmed.
Cloud makes a move of such telegraphed nonchalance as he picks up the knife, that Sephiroth has to hide his smile by slurping the milk in his spoon. Cloud was never a very good actor.
Cloud’s gaze hasn’t wavered from Sephiroth’s face the whole time. He begins going through the motions of spreading jam on the toast, but it’s clear that he’s thinking about other uses for the knife.
Sephiroth tries pretending that he misunderstands Cloud’s hostility. He needs to distract him before he tries anything stupid and ruins all of Sephiroth’s plans.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Dad about your episode last night.”
Cloud freezes, a horrified look coming over his face. Instead of relaxing, he grows even more tense, gripping the steak knife tightly.
Before Sephiroth can think of something to say to diffuse the situation, their dad walks into the kitchen.
“Why are you letting him handle sharp objects?!”
Sephiroth fights the urge to cringe. He wasn’t expecting Dad to show up. He doesn’t usually join them for breakfast. Dad is wearing one of the lab coats he likes to wear even when he’s not working. He likes for people to see him as a respected scientist, even though he’s just a professor. His glasses are dirty, and his hair is greasier than usual. Sephiroth wonders if he was up all night working on his project.
Sephiroth shrugs as nonchalantly as he can manage, needing to fool both Cloud and their dad. “Couldn’t find the butter knives,” he lies, hoping Dad won’t check the drawer.
He goes back to eating his cereal, but his heart is hammering in his ears. Hopefully, the crunch of the cereal will cover it up.
Cloud is focused solely on Dad now, his eyes wide and his hand holding the knife is trembling. Sephiroth wants to place a comforting hand on his, but there are too many reasons not to.
How does Cloud always know that he should be wary of Dad?
Dad’s lip curls in disgust as he regards his younger son, “Don’t touch anything in the kitchen.” He sounds like he’s talking to a dog.
He turns to Sephiroth, “Watch him! He’s your responsibility.”
Sephiroth doesn’t need the reminder, but he nods dutifully all the same. He has to do his best to placate Dad and keep him from taking Cloud away.
He reaches over and gently twists the knife out of Cloud’s hand, he wants to say something to comfort him, or offer him a tender touch, but he barely touches him and Cloud still pulls back as if scalded.
“And keep him away from the back room!” Dad continues angrily.
Again, he doesn’t need to remind Sephiroth of the rules, but Sephiroth would rather he snap at him than at Cloud.
“Why?” Cloud’s look towards their father is challenging, “What’s in the back room?”
Sephiroth winces. It would have been better if Dad hadn’t brought it up. Now Cloud’s curiosity will be piqued. Sephiroth doesn’t want him to go in there any more than their dad does.
Dad sneers at them and then walks away as if they don’t matter to him at all. He didn’t even take his coffee with him.
“Is Dad always like this?”
Sephiroth is surprised by the question. Cloud rarely refers to their father like that, and considering the way that Cloud responded to him earlier, it’s clear that he’s fishing for information.
Sephiroth feels a bit morose. He had been making progress with Cloud until their dad showed up. Now Cloud is lying straight to his face.
“You don’t have to pretend, Cloud. I can tell when you don’t remember.”
He has to give Cloud some kind of explanation if he’s going to be able to keep him under control.
“You had an accident two years ago. Afterwards, you started having these memory problems and other issues.”
It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s certainly not the whole truth.
“I don’t remember an accident.” Cloud is understandably skeptical.
Sephiroth feels a bit emotional just thinking about it. He doesn’t want to discuss the accident. The less details he gives, the less holes Cloud can find in his story. There are a lot of holes.
“It’s alright if you don’t remember. Maybe that’s for the best.” He meets Cloud’s confused glare, “But to answer your question, no, he wasn’t always like that. Not to you, anyway. You were always the favorite.”
After his father's explosive falling out with Sephiroth’s mother and her subsequent disappearance, he had never acted kindly towards Sephiroth again. Perhaps he had reminded his father too much of his run-away mother. Sephiroth understands the rejection, but it still hurts.
When Dad remarried to Cloud’s mother, Sephiroth had kept her at a distance at first, but she had insisted on treating him as her own; she had even bullied Dad into acknowledging his existence.
Sephiroth had been unable to resist her love, even though he feared it would be taken away too. He had gradually warmed up to her, and a few months later, when she had called him over to her hospital bed to present his new baby brother to him, Sephiroth had been instantly smitten. They had bonded over Cloud’s care and accomplishments, and she had taken a whole album’s worth of pictures of the both of them that is now Sephiroth’s greatest treasure.
Dad had grown ever more distant from them, even as he continued to dote on Cloud. When Claudia disappeared, Sephiroth had been heartbroken, but it had drawn him and Cloud even closer together. He had vowed he would never abandon Cloud.
But in the end, he had done much worse. It’s the best he can do now to make it up to him in any way he can.
“What’s in the back room?” Cloud is as tenacious as ever. He still hasn’t dropped it.
Sephiroth can’t tell him the truth, it would destroy him. “I don’t know. But it’s off limits.”
The sooner Sephiroth changes the subject the better.
“What do you want to do today?” he asks brightly.
The summer months are upon them, which means that Sephiroth doesn’t have to worry about school. He’s made a whole list of activities that he wants to do with Cloud.
Cloud shrugs, “Whatever you want to do.”
Cloud isn’t balking at spending the day with him, and that’s an excellent sign, though Sephiroth knows that he should still stay on his toes. Cloud has fooled him and snuck off before. Thankfully, the chip implanted under his skin means that he can never go far. The trick is not to let Dad know about his escape attempts.
Sephiroth is feeling ambitious. It’s a beautiful day, and maybe he should start with something less… crowded, but there’s no knowing what the weather will be like tomorrow. They only have a month.
“Let’s go to the amusement park! You used to love going there as a kid.”
*~*
The amusement park is as crowded as he had feared, but Cloud is so busy staring at everything as if he’s never seen any of it before that Sephiroth doesn’t have to work very hard to keep track of him.
“Why aren’t there any moogles? Or chocobos? Or cactuars?”
Cloud is staring at the stuffed prizes for one of the games set up to tempt people to throw their money away.
Sephiroth answers lightly, “Don’t think they have those here.”
He’s learned that it’s better not to argue with Cloud about his delusions. It only makes him more defensive.
“Do you wanna try winning one of the prizes? The shooting game is pretty fun.”
“Naw, I’m good.”
Cloud doesn’t seem interested in doing anything. Sephiroth hasn’t been able to coax him onto any of the rides. Either it “looks like a death trap” or “isn’t that a couples thing?” or “it’s one thing when you need to escape a haunted mine, but why would anyone want to do that on purpose?”
Maybe they should have started with the beach after all, but Sephiroth had been hoping for something that would provide maximum distraction.
“Come on Cloud, you used to love that duck hunter game. This is just like it!”
“I don’t remember any duck hunting game.”
“I can show you when we get home, I still have all your games.”
“Still? What do you mean by that? If they’re mine, why would you have them? Did you steal stuff from me?”
“What if I did? You weren’t using them. You can have them back if you want, but it’s easier if we use the system in my room. There’s more space in there.”
“I guess.”
Close one, Sephiroth needs to watch his wording more carefully.
“Come on, I’m paying. Whoever gets the lowest score is on dishes duty.”
Cloud looks at him weirdly, “Oh… ok.”
Cloud’s coordination is still slightly off, but he gets weirdly serious about this kind of thing. He beats Sephiroth’s score easily. Sephiroth only has to miss on purpose once or twice.
After that, it’s like a dam has broken and they try out most of the games along the row. Cloud gives his prizes away to a few different kids as they move along.
“Why did you do that?” Sephiroth wonders, he holds onto his large white tiger that he’d won at hoops. He’s planning to give it to Cloud when they get home.
Cloud shrugs, “What else would I do with it?”
“You could keep it?”
“I’m not a kid?”
Sephiroth bites his tongue. This is another thing that he’s learned not to argue with Cloud about. He could tell him to go look in a mirror, and there’s a mirror house right there, but he knows that this would only distress Cloud. He needs Cloud to forget his delusions, not cling to them stubbornly.
“Nevermind, I just thought maybe we could take a picture with all our winnings.”
“We can still take a picture, I guess.”
Sephiroth smiles, relieved that he doesn’t have to work hard to get Cloud to agree.
“Awesome! Here, stand right by this booth with the tiger. We can pretend you won it. You were pretty close anyway.”
“No, I wasn’t. You’ve got an unfair height advantage.”
Sephiroth just smiles and hands him the tiger, pulling out his phone. “Say cheese!”
“Um, cheese? Why?”
“Just do it, I’ll explain later.”
Cloud makes a face, but complies. He doesn’t say cheese for long enough, he just says it once and then closes his mouth, but Sephiroth thinks it’s still a cute picture. He takes a few more while he’s got Cloud cooperating.
“Great, are you hungry? You used to love elephant ears, why don’t we go get some of those?”
“What’s a… lephant?”
“It’s not really an ear, it’s just dough that’s shaped like one, then fried and covered with lots of cinnamon and sugar.”
“Sounds healthy.”
“Don’t worry about it, none of the food here is healthy. This is a place for having fun!”
“Sounds like something Zack would say.”
“Oh? Is that one of your friends from school?”
Sephiroth knows it’s not. He’s been through Cloud’s yearbook many times. There’s no one named Zack.
Cloud shrugs, but doesn’t reply. His brow is slightly furrowed. Sephiroth holds his breath, hoping that this isn’t the start of a meltdown, but Cloud doesn’t start accusing him of murdering people again, he just looks at Sephiroth as if he’s lost.
Sephiroth feels his heart clench. Cloud is so cute and little. If only he didn't have to… Sephiroth feels a wave of grief. This is the only way. At least this way he can build happy memories with Cloud. Even if Cloud will never remember them.
Sephiroth takes the paw of the tiger Cloud is holding and pulls him gently in the direction of the food stalls and Cloud allows himself to be led.
“If you don’t want an elephant ear, you could have a hot dog instead.”
“A hot… dog? You eat dogs?!”
“Of course not! It’s just the name. I don’t actually know why it’s called that. We can look it up when we get home, ok?”
“When can we go home?”
“You want to leave already? But we haven’t ridden any of the rides! You haven’t lived until you’ve ridden at least one roller-coaster.”
Cloud grumbles under his breath about Sephiroth trying to kill him. Something about a pear?
Sephiroth is pleased that Cloud is already thinking of their house as his home, but he definitely doesn’t want to cut the day short. The less time they spend under the same roof as their dad, the better.
“Tell you what, I know you like motorcycles. Why don’t we try the motorcycle one that goes around-”
“How do you know I like motorcycles?” Cloud sounds suspicious and hostile again.
“I’m your brother? Duh? I know everything about you, Cloud.”
“Don’t say it like that!”
Sephiroth stops when Cloud pulls away from him. He’s not sure what set him off, but he can see that Cloud is starting to hyperventilate. He backs away slightly and holds his palms up in a, See? I don’t have any weapon here, gesture. He’d rather not use the tranquilizer gun in his boot if at all possible.
“Breathe, Cloud.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!”
Sephiroth can still salvage this. People will think this is just an ordinary brotherly fight.
“Ok, I’m gonna go get us some hot dogs and lemonade. I’ll be right back, ok?”
Cloud stares at him in disbelief. Sephiroth hopes he doesn’t run as soon as his back is turned, but there’s a 50/50 chance that the very act of walking away from him will trigger him to follow Sephiroth. Sephiroth isn’t sure why that is, but it’s been a handy discovery.
He turns around and resolutely marches forward, straining his ears to hear Cloud, but of course there’s too much crowd noise to differentiate his steps. It’s fine, he can always track him down.
Once he gets to the booth, he glances back. It’s not hard to act surprised when he sees Cloud standing nearby with a red face while he stares off into the distance, as if he isn’t there to follow Sephiroth.
Sephiroth is vastly relieved. It would have taken forever to win his trust back if he had to tranq him again, though he has had success in the past with coaxing Cloud down from trees and other hiding places, with only the surprise of being able to find him at his disposal.
“Oh! There you are, Cloud. Do you want any beans or cheese on your hotdog?” It’s best to play it cool.
Cloud scowls, “I thought you knew everything about me.”
“I thought you might like the choice. I’ll just get you some relish and mustard then?”
“Whatever.”
Sephiroth orders their food and brings it over to a picnic table. Cloud gives away the tiger while his back is turned. Oh well, the important thing is that he got a picture. Sephiroth coaxes Cloud into waiting to eat his hot dog until he’s taken another picture.
Sephiroth would like to take a selfie with him, but it’s too early for that. Cloud is still keeping a wary distance from him.
Sephiroth waits until he’s eaten and relaxed a little before suggesting they play some more games while their food settles. Cloud shakes his head dully. He’s getting that glazed look in his eye that means he’s overwhelmed.
Seeing this, Sephiroth gives up on his plans to get Cloud to ride at least one ride with him and offers to go home instead. Cloud’s relieved gratitude is enough to reassure him that he’s made the right choice.
He got several pictures from the day anyways, and that’s what’s important.
When they get home, Cloud retreats to his room. Sephiroth waits a while before checking on him. He’s already fast asleep.
The amusement park is maybe too much for his first day after all. Tomorrow they’ll do something more relaxing. Sephiroth gently closes the door to Cloud’s room and goes to check the movie listings.