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(five hours since i heard it last, i miss your voice again.)
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They can't sleep.
He's in the corner of their eye - not Fable - him. Fable is passed out in their bed - a mock comfort Icarus almost wants to think he offered. Centross is- (dead gone alone he's not coming back you can't get him back it's not happening fable is lying he can't do it) in the corner of their eye. He's standing, still, straight as a rod. His clothes - the ones he (died in) wore to the Cathedral - are (blood-soaked) dirty. It's an almost (grotesque) concerning sight.
Icarus can't take (their) his eyes off him.
His eyes are blank, they don't even blink no matter how long Icarus stares. They'd find it concerning if they weren't acutely aware he's- (dead) gone at the moment.
It's- more a hallucination than anything. (icarus hopes.)
They lean back into their nest with a sigh, letting their eyes fall closed and their breathing even out shallowly. (it's unsteady and wrong and bad and it hurts and it still feels like he's trying to kill them and take it out and they just want it to stop please). Their knees are pulled to their chest and their whole body is wracked with uncomfortable shivers and shakes - partially due to the cold (and partially due to their brush with death and the emotions that keep building and building and god ic just wants to scream and cry and hold him again-).
The only noise in the background is Fable's breathing - now painfully mortal and alive (like how he should be like how he promises he will be-).
The rest of their bedroom is almost deathly silent. Nothing makes a sound. (if they listen hard enough he makes sound and he breathes and he shifts and he whispers sweet little nothings and he untangles their hair and cleans their feathers and its good and it's fine and they're- fine-)
Something shifts, eventually. Icarus doesn't know when - doesn't know how long. (they're losing time again like how they did in the prison it's slipping away they can't do this again please-)
"My child." Icarus shifts, eyes opening to slivers. The sun is starting to rise. They can't help but glare at him, averting their eyes from the corner. "Have you slept?" Fable's voice is strained, and he grunts as he moves into something more seated.
"No."
"...You should, Icarus."
They hum softly, tail shifting to hook around their ankle. (the appendage was unwelcome they shouldn't have it they shouldn't have let that happen he shouldn't have-)
"I'm being serious."
"Little hard to sleep righ' now." Is their quiet mumble, averting their eyes and shrinking in on themself when their father sighs. "I c'n try, I guess."
Fable moves, shifting off the bed. (messing up their nest messing up the nest the two of them built please it's the only thing they have left-) "That would be preferable to-" He takes a breath, and they don't have to look to know he makes an odd gesture. "This."
"Mhm"
"Ruminating on it won't bring him back, Icarus." His words are stern, sharply so. (icarus would flinch if they didn't think he'd be even more annoyed with them.) "Are you aware of this? You knew with Haley-"
"Haley- Haley 's different."
All they get in return is a slightly annoyed huff, their head falling back against the window as their father fully gets up from their bed. (nest nest nest please it can still be a nest they can't lose this too-) "She really is not. Her blood is on your hands." There's a beat - and Icarus knows the words lingering in the air. (but it's not it's not their fault he did it not them-)
"I know. I promise I know, I just-"
"Then rest, Icarus. Nothing is going to get better like this."
"...Yeah, okay." They pause, pushing themself away from the window with an uncomfortable sound. "Let me change your bandages first?"
"...Alright."
.
.
.
They don't offer their father a goodbye - or anything of that sort - as they leave to walk back down the stairs to their bedroom. It's still sunrise.
They swallow shallowly, picking up the blankets their father managed to shove to the floor in the chaos. (they made it with him they made it with him why does he have to keep doing this-) They don't bother fixing them, simply climbing into the half-built nest and burying themself under the heaviest of the blankets. (cen made one for them that felt like him- it felt like him and it felt like he was there holding them keeping them safe and okay and it was good-)
Their wings shift around them, the added weight over them slightly comforting. Their tail is- weird. Wrong. They don't- know what to do with it (part of them wonders if they should cut it off because then no one could notice it even under their coat no one could know what went wrong no one could know they saw-) laying on their side like this (normally they'd lay on their back or stomach but their chest-); if they should curl it around themself or just- let it lay there.
In the end, they don't bother deciding - getting distracted by another (another another another they're never going to be able to let it go) visage. He's leaning against their closet thing - the one that sticks out from the wall. The rising sun seems to have no effect on him - basking the rest of the room in warm orange, leaving their partner decidedly cool-toned (maybe for the better if he was warm-toned it'd look like-).
They ignore it. (it's so hard it's so so hard they just want him to be here please why did he have to save them why couldn't he have just let them-) They swallow, averting their eyes with a small noise before promptly squeezing them closed. Their hands clench into fists around their blankets (filed down talons dig sharply into their palms and its- its fine its not like they could've used them to protect themself or save him or-), their whole body shifting until they're curled as much as they can be beneath their blankets. (being small was good it was safe it was-)
A sob bubbles up in their throat. (if they start now they don't think they'll stop until sleep drags them under-)
Icarus doesn't even try to stop it.
.
.
.
Rae arrives when the sun is three-quarters of its way across the sky. Almost sunset - not quite there yet. It's winter; it's cold - the sun has no bearing on the heat right now. (maybe one day it will one day soon maybe it'll burn them like they deserve maybe they'll fall before anyone finds out what happened maybe they won't have to wait-)
He- doesn't see through their bluff. (why why why why doesn't he why can't he why aren't they obvious enough why can't someone just help them for once why do they have to do it all themself-)
Which is- fine. The lies slip off their tongue as easy as they always have - bitter and sickly sweet. (like a health potion like a health potion gods icarus should take one of those it still hurts so bad-) Rae leaves without too much pushing. He's looking for Centross. (icarus knows where he is icarus knows he's not in the void or the end or anywhere he's gone he's gone and he's not-)
The things are mad they lied.
Icarus doesn't care. (yes they do yes they do yes they do they care so much they can't keep fucking doing this-)
.
.
.
The things leave - under the guise of Icarus sleeping. They don't. It's sunset - not too far off from when Rae left anyway (they're worried about him they're worried what if he finds out or something happens or or or and they can't be there to help because they're- they're here and they can't bring themself to leave-). The sun sets so quickly in the winter.
They're sitting criss-cross in the middle of their nest, tail draped into their lap. (he didn't notice of course he didn't notice no one ever notices-) Their wings are almost limp behind them - feathers mused in every which way. The feathers on their tail are- more of a mess than their wings. Icarus keeps messing with them. (centross would be disappointed at the small pile of feathers beside them they can't help but pick at them.)
Their fingertips are coated in a thin layer of blood.
.
.
They glance up for a moment at a creak in their floors - eyes drifting slowly and a frown across their face.
He's there again. Leaning against their stairs. His hair is longer than it usually is; his eyes a softer, gentler purple than they were. (why can't their mind just- leave them alone-) His mouth moves. The room remains utterly silent. (at least their mind has the kindness to not let them hear his voice they don't think they could handle that they miss him too much-)
The floor creaks again.
Fable is raising an eyebrow when they blink back to reality. His eyes are a dull glow in the nearly set sun. "You were staring. At- nothing." His words are quiet, soft like he might shatter them in two if he speaks any louder. (too bad he already did that too bad they can't be put back together too bad everything is already wrong and he can't fix it-)
They hum softly, averting their eyes with a huff and settling their tail off to the side. (it curls over the pile of feathers they're sure he noticed and their fingers are still bloodied and and and-) "Sorry. Did you need somethin' Dad?"
Fable hums, gesturing half-heartedly to the barrel behind him. "I feel as though it's time to change bandages. Potions would be nice as well, if you have them."
"'Course."
.
(Maybe it's the future.
Maybe it's not.
All Icarus knows is they open their eyes to the rising sun against their back, their wings draped comfortably over them, and-
They push themself away from him with a small noise, wings - elytra and ears alike - pulling closer to themself. He meets their eyes with a level of concern they've missed (it's only been a day fuck it's only been a day how are they going to deal with this-), his hand settling gently on their cheek and wiping away a few stray tears that threaten to fall. "Ic? What's wrong?"
Any words that would've spilled immediately get caught in their throat. (they shouldn't- this isn't- he's not here they're going to wake up and he's not going to be there they can't-)
"Ic, darlin', why are you crying..?"
In lieu of a response, they shift, pulling him into a hug and burying their face into his shoulder. Tears soak into his cloak. The sun warms the feathers on their back. (it's okay it feels okay it's fine they can be fine they can survive this itll be fine-) "I'm sorry-" A small sob bubbles up in their throat, their eyes falling closed with a small noise. "I'm sorry I'm sorry fuck- 'm really sorry-"
"- Icarus-" His voice is soft, his hand settling in their hair and against their back. "Why are you apologizing?"
"The cave- You- Me-"
"..What are you talking about darling?"
They just hold him tighter. "I'm sorry."
"Baby, did you have a nightmare?"
"No- No it was real- You were gone- You are gone- Cen'-"
"I'm not gone, darling, I'm right here.."
"You were- You were and I can't- I don't- I don't know if he can bring you back-"
"Ic-" He's just confused. (of course he is of course he is of course he is their mind can't be nice to them for five fucking seconds it can't give them a break they can't be happy-" "Darlin' I think you just had a nightmare.."
"No-" They pull away from him, keeping a hand tightly tangled in his shirt while the other wipes at their face. "No I- I didn't just have a nightmare- Please Cen'-"
They open their eyes.
It's- gone.
Their bedroom is cold. The sun has set. The moon shines on their back. It's not warm like the sun. Icarus misses it's warmth. The tear tracks on their face are sticky, and they instinctively reach up to wipe them off. Their gloves scrap uncomfortably against their skin. (it's wrong it's bad they should've had time fuck why don't they ever get any time-)
Skittles and Starburst are preening through their hair. It feels like when he would run his hands through it. Icarus-
"I can't- I can't do this." Their voice is hardly a whisper, broken and wet as new tears build up in their eyes and threaten to fall. "I can't do this-" Their breathing is too quick and their heartbeat is too fast and it's all wrong. "I can't do this without him-" (they can't they can't they can't they need him he keeps them safe and good and okay he keeps them there in their head he-)
They open their eyes again. Just for a moment.
He's lying across from them again. Warm smile on his face, and a gentle glint in his eyes.
Icarus-
Icarus wants to scream.)
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(there is something to be said for all of this missing)
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Rae gave them a book. His book. The book he wrote for them. He wrote them a book. (he cared that much he loved them that much he wanted them to be okay gods why can't they just be okay for once-) He wrote them a book and Icarus can't even apologize for- all of it they can't apologize for what they did or-
They shake their head. They're not supposed to be thinking about it. (fable doesn't want them to think about it doesn't want them to think about how it doesn't make sense doesn't want them to think about how it is all wrong and he was wrong and icarus was bad-)
They run their hands over the cover with a small noise, wings pulling closer to their body as they cradle the book impossibly gently. (it didn't feel right none of this felt right he shouldn't have to give them a book they should be-)
Skittles chirps from their shoulder, and if Icarus wasn't more of a coward they'd push the bird away. (maybe they'd kill him maybe they'd kill him because they're so fucking good at that aren't they they're so good at killing the things they love aren't they they're so fucking good at it-)
They settle on their bed with a small noise, tossing the book into the middle of the sheets before pulling their knees to their chest with a small noise. (everything is so wrong-) "I can- I can do this. I can do this. I can-"
(they can't do this, can they?)
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(but i do not know what it is)
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Fable killed Enderian. Fable-
Icarus knows. Icarus knows no one will talk to them after this. (icarus knows they're done for knows they can't come back from this knows that even without being involved they're going to be blamed-)
.
.
.
Icarus was involved. Icarus was. Icarus-
Icarus tries to kill their brother. Icarus tried to kill Rae. (icarus would've killed him icarus would've let him die icarus would've but they didn't because he couldn't because he's a coward because-)
(because they can't grieve anything else they can't keep doing this they can't do it again they can't grieve their brother too-)
Icarus doesn't-
Icarus thinks they lost the plot somewhere between nearly dying and Fable wrapping them around his finger.
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(i just know that it feels right to say it)
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They stand in front of the cave, wings drooping sadly behind them. He's standing there too, beside them. He hardly leaves their vision anymore, always in the corner always lurking always hovering always there. (their brain won't leave them alone it never will they're always falling apart they don't ever get a break do they they can't get a break it's always wrong and weird and bad and- gross-)
They run the petals of a daisy between their fingers, their feathers and hair shifting in the wing and rain. The daisy is ruined rather quickly. Something so fragile was never meant to survive this long. (something so strong should've never died so early-)
(something that should've been dead decades ago should've been killed-)
Icarus takes a breath, and then another. Ruminating on what should be and not what is has never helped them. (but they can't help but do it because they miss him they miss him and they miss him and they-)
(and they miss him and it never stops it never stops at all because all they do is miss him and think about what they could be doing and-)
(they miss him.)
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(i miss you.)
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It's been four months and they're standing in front of the cave. It's been four months and they're standing in front of the cave and their brother is there. (he'd save them right even after everything they don't have to keep falling so far-)
He talks and he talks and he talks and-
He offers them a hug.
He-
"I don't-"
(icarus misses him. icarus misses him and they miss centross and they miss aax and they miss caspian and they miss athena and they miss-)
"Icarus."
And Icarus flinches.
And Rae backs away and Raedoesn'tt hug them and Aax pulls her trident and Fable-
(gods why is it always him-)
.
.
.
There's a weird grief, missing him now. They burned all their bridges. They killed it (they killed it they killed it they killed jamie and rae was-).
They pet gently over Vanda's feathers with a small hum. "You know." Vanda chirps. (shes hurt she's hurt they're hurt maybe-) "..Maybe it would've been better if he killed me." There's a small pause, their tail flicks anxiously at their feet. "Kinda the coward's way out though. Maybe that makes sense though." Icarus sits on their bed with a small noise, wings drooping and frown making easy way across their face. "I am kinda a coward, don' you think Vanda?" She chirps. Icarus knows she doesn't understand. (he wants them to wants her to know wants to be able to just- be okay-)
"Maybe that's for the best, if I'm a coward."
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(i miss you.)
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He's-
He's here and he's alive and he's here and they're alive and they're here and he's holding them and they're-
They're crying. They're crying and their vision is blurry and their chest hurts and he's holding them and he's pulling them into a hug and he doesn't care about the blood on their hands and it's- it's okay just for a second. (it's okay now its okay hes back and he's alive and they're okay and they can-)
"Hey hey hey, darling.." They bury their face in his shoulder, making a small noise when their tears soak into his cloak. "You're okay.." He presses a small kiss to their temple, pulling them closer. (everyone else is watching and it's silent and they all know and they're all so angry-)
"I'm sorry-" Their voice cracks, burying their face far into the crook of his neck and letting their eyes fall closed with a small noise. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"
"Ic.."
(everyone can hear them everyone knows but he's here so it's okay he's here and they can live and-) "I'm sorry-" Their tail - something they've long since given up hiding - wraps around his ankle. "I'm sorry I'm so fuckin' sorry I-" Their voice breaks, their wings spasming against their back. "I-"
"Ic," Centross keeps his voice quiet, pressing another small kiss to their temple. "Stop apologizing."
"No no no I need to Cen' I need to apologize I-"
"Not right now. Not right now you do, Icarus."
"Yes! Yes I do because I keep- I keep messing up and I keep-" Their breathing stutters and it all feels wrong-
"Hey hey hey, Ic. Calm down for me baby, okay?"
"No-"
"Yes."
"No- I can't- This-"
"-Isn't a dream. You're here Icarus. You're here and I'm here and everythin's okay, yeah? It's all gonna be okay?"
And Icarus-
Well, Icarus falls.
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