Chapter Text
Eddie Diaz was afraid.
More honestly he was petrified.
He had returned from his deployment a mere two months ago. He was working two jobs, between ridiculous hours, nightmares and a toddler, he was barely sleeping. Those hours he was awake he was getting yelled at by his boss, by his parents, or dealing with a screaming toddler. All the while making time to be in a screaming match with his wife.
Oh Shannon, beautiful Shannon. Eddie knew they were never going to work out, she would go to college out of state, and he, honestly, can not recall what he dreamed of becoming. Then things escalated on one drunken night, which resulted in her pregnancy, which resulted in their marriage. Barely eighteen, freshly out of high school they both stood in front of the altar, committing to forever. Eddie loved her, well he wanted to love her, which is how they ended up in this situation in the first place. Eddie is pretty sure he still loves her, just not like that, even between the arguing he loves her.
These past two months gave him a constant throbbing headache. He felt no way out. And while Eddie knew there was no real way out, there was. There was deployment, he could support them, provide for them. For Shannon and for Christopher.
“Eddie. I didn’t ask for a provider, I wanted a partner!” She yelled at him, tears in her eyes.
“I. We can’t go on like this, we are barely making ends meet.”
“I’ll get a part time job. Eddie, you should have talked to me.”
A screeching cry started in the other room. His wife looked at him.
“He wants you.” Eddie stated.
“You’re his father. Bond with him before you leave again.”
And he knew she was right. Eddie felt guilty for not being able to soothe his son, for not knowing his son, for not being present, for not supporting them. He left the room to try and soothe their crying child. But it was to no avail, and after fifteen minutes his wife came in and took over. They did not exchange a word.
It was the next morning when he woke up on the couch. Rolling off and landing on the floor as he slowly came back into reality. Shaken, sweaty and hyperventilating from the nightmare. Within a week he would be off again, placed wherever this reenlistment would lead him. He had not spoken to Shannon since yesterday evening, yet she had emerged from their bedroom after the crashing noise. In his fall to the floor Eddie had knocked over a lamp, the sound of which must have woken her up.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Eddie said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Eddie. I-” She began, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“Promise me. Promise me this will be your last, and that after we will figure it out. Us, and Chris. Promise me Eddie, please.”
“Shannon…”
“Promise me Eddie. Please, for him.” She pleaded.
“I- I promise.”
“Thank you.” She said and then leaned forward to kiss him. He tilted his head and she ended up kissing his cheek.
The rest of the week was spent quitting his jobs, doing house chores, spending time with his son, and talking with his wife. Laying down rules with his parents, for Shannon’s sake, and for Chris’. They were spent talking Shannon down from divorce to a ‘let’s at least wait until I’m back.’ They were spent at the doctors office, as their toddler was having mobility issues. They were spent hating himself for having to leave, while at the same time feeling guilty for being thankful he had to leave.
Shannon did not come to drop him off at the airport, his father did. He and Shannon did not even speak the night before.
“You’re a good man, Edmundo. Fighting for your country.” His father said as he got out of the car.
But Eddie did not feel like a good man, he was not a good man. He was leaving his wife, and his son. He felt weak.
—-
His second deployment changed his life, in one way or another. He came back with even more PTSD and a gunshot wound. He came back with longing, longing for what he could not have. He was in both physical therapy and therapy for his mind. He was learning how to cope with the loss he had experienced. Two men of his team died in the helicopter crash. He had barely gotten away. He had trouble adjusting, not being able to make many hours due to his healing injury, having trouble bonding with his son. Being at home, feeling useless, broken and weak.
“Eddie. I. My mom is sick, and she’s getting worse.” His wife said.
“Yeah, we can visit. I’ll find something I can do for some extra cash. It’s just hard with my injury, and with Chris.”
“No. I mean. I think I wanna be with her.”
“Shannon. I-”
“We can move to Los Angeles. It’ll be like a fresh start! You know Ricky from school, he said he could get me a job there. Entry level, just administration but it has healthcare, for Chris. It’s good pay, good benefits.”
“What about me?”
“You told me your aunt lives there, and your grandmother. I’m sure they would love to meet Chris. I- I just. Eddie I can’t do this anymore, somehow your parents haven gotten even worse since your injury. And with my mom being sick, I just want to be near her.”
“I’m sure there is something in LA for you, that pays well. We can live with my mom for a while, while we figure stuff out. Please.”
“Ok. Yeah. I think a fresh start will do us good.”
They sold their house, packed up all their belongings and drove to Los Angeles the following month. Living with Shannon’s mother was an adjustment. His new therapist, and Chris’s next doctor also took some getting used to. After a few weeks of settling in, Eddie got himself some odd jobs. His shoulder had healed and he quit physical therapy, still attending his mental therapy though. Eddie felt weak for going, but he could not deny it was helping him, so he went every week. He tried a veteran support group but that was a bust.
After a while all the days started to blend together. Then he felt the universe call to him, and he joined the Los Angeles Fire Academy, to become a firefighter.
—
Eddie Diaz finally felt as if his life was getting back on track. It was a difficult 6 months, surviving on Shannon’s income and some odd jobs alone, barely seeing his son again. But it was worth it Eddie thought, he was going to be helping people again. This time in a safe environment, out of his own will, instead of necessity. Eddie was told to report at firehouse 118 the very next day, to captain Robert Nash.
The firehouse was nice. It was clean and modern, and his future captain's office was luckily easily findable. The door was open and there was a stoic man sitting in the chair behind a big cluttered desk. Eddie knocked on the open door, to announce his presence, and the man looked up.
“Ah! You must be the new probie, Edmundo Diaz right?”
“Yes sir, everyone calls me Eddie sir.”
“Nice to meet you Eddie.”
The man said as he got out of his chair. Walking over to shake Eddie’s hand.
Eddie took the man’s hand and nodded as he shook it firmly, hoping to leave a good impression.
“I’m Robert Nash, but everyone here calls me Bobby or Cap. I’ll be your captain. Welcome to the 118.”
“Thank you Bobby, I’m pleased to be here sir.”
“No need for the sir, Eddie. Bobby is fine.”
“Old habits die hard I guess, I’ll work on it Bobby.” Eddie said as he smiled at his new captain.
He met the rest of the 118 soon after. He followed Bobby up the stairs to a loft area, with a big kitchen with a dining table to the left and a living room type area to the right. There were 2 long couches and a big flatscreen mounted on the wall, in the corner sat two comfortable looking arm chairs.
Bobby announced their presence and introduced him to the others. A black woman with glasses, a few years older than him. She smiled as she shook his hand, telling him her name was Henrietta but that everyone calls her Hen. Behind her followed a shorter asian man who chuckled at Hen’s introduction. He reached out his hand and introduced himself as Chimney, stating it was a nickname. They welcomed him and followed Bobby to the dining table. Everyone sat down, including Eddie, he did so across from Hen, who sat next to Chimney. The seat next to Eddie remained empty as other firefighters trickled in, with Bobby sitting at the head of the table. He sat there in silence as different fire fighters talked amongst themselves, mainly Hen and Chimney. He noticed everyone besides Bobby and himself were in conversation.
After lunch Bobby gave Eddie a tour of the fire house, pointing out where all the gear is, and explaining what to do when the bell rings. Just as he finished his explanation, the bell rang.
“Perfect timing.”
Bobby remarked as he picked up his pace, gathered his gear and made his way to the truck. Eddie did the same, following his training and Bobby’s instructions from earlier carefully.
In the truck, or engine as Bobby insists it is called, Hen and Chimney looked at him. Eager to get to know their new teammate.
“Bobby told us you are a veteran, when did you serve?” Hen said.
“Um. I got out about a year ago.”
“What did you do?” Chimney asked, before getting a playful shove from Hen.
“You don’t ask that Chimney. Sorry Eddie.”
“It’s okay, really. I was an army medic.”
“It’s nice to have someone with more medical knowledge with us in the field.” Hen remarked.
The first couple weeks as a firefighter with the 118 were a bit awkward for Eddie. But with time he got out of his shell a little bit more. He met Hen’s police friend, Athena, Hen introduced them when she joined the 118 for after shift drinks. He immediately grew fond of her. When it came up that Eddie was a veteran and she did not thank him for his service, Eddie was sold. He, Hen and Athena all had young sons around the same age, so playdates and wine nights complaining about parenting struggles became a regular occurrence. He found more common ground with Athena when she shared that she was going through a divorce, Eddie then shared about his own recent split.
Eddie even noticed that Bobby came more out of his shell, seeming very closed off to the team at first. But after the police had intervened on a call gone wrong he seemed to be in a better mood.
They soon find out that Athena and Bobby had started a relationship. Eddie is happy for them but also conflicted. Athena had just gotten divorced, Eddie wondered how she could start something new so quickly. Eddie wished he felt ready to date, but after the man he fell in love left him, he denied dating anyone since.
It was a couple months later that he first spoke of Evan again. Hen, Athena and Eddie had agreed to meet up for wine night. He was sitting on Athena’s couch with a glass when she announced Hen had cancelled.
“Emergency with Denny, nothing big luckily, but it looks like it’s just us tonight Eddie.”
“Good thing it was my turn to bring the wine then.” Eddie laughed.
They caught up with small talk, talking mundanely about the job, the kids and the exes. Athena admitting that she found it difficult that her son Harry wanted to join his father for a couple months in Florida.
“I just don’t know if I can stand to be away from my son for that long.”
“Planes exist, you can go visit him. It is not like you are stuck here.” Eddie said bitterly, thinking back to his army days where he was away from his son.
“Oh, I’m sorry Eddie. I did not realise how insensitive that must have sounded.”
“No, I’m sorry. I guess I never really forgave myself for that, it came out meaner than I meant it.”
“You got a silver star, no?”
“I did, yes. Honourable discharge after an accident.” Eddie said, confused by her question. He had never spoken to Athena about his army days. Him never volunteering it, and her never asking.
“Having a bad accident, did that make you want to become a firefighter?” She asked. Seemingly out of nowhere. Eddie realised he never told anyone the story of why he decided to become a firefighter.
“No. I um. I’ve never told anyone the story before, it is kind of embarrassing.”
“You’ve heard plenty of my embarrassing stories from Hen, give it up Eddie.”
“I was feeling kind of lost here in LA. I thought a change of scenery would do me good, but I just felt more lost than before. Then. Um my son, my ex brought him over. She had gotten him a new toy, a fire truck with a working siren. God that thing was the bane of my existence, I think after day one I took out the batteries.” He laughed. Athena nodded along to his story.
“I went to the store with him the next day, to get a replacement toy for the annoying fire truck. There had been an accident near the mall, firefighters and paramedics arrived in the parking lot. I watched them work, they were so in sync, it reminded me of the camaraderie in the army.”
“That’s not embarrassing Eddie.”
“Oh, I’m not finished yet, Athena.” He chuckled before he continued, Athena looking at him more intrigued than before.
“So I take him home, new toy in hand. When we get into a traffic jam. LA traffic is a bitch. I cursed knowing I would be late for dropoff, and my job interview. I saw the fire department speeding by, to get to the front of the traffic jam, there had been a car accident. So my son looks at me and says: ‘Look daddy, firefighters get to skip traffic!’ I think if I’m honest that is half the reason I became a firefighter.”
“Eddie, that's not that bad.”
“I guess it isn’t. A friend got in my head about it I think.” Eddie said.
“My story isn’t nearly as fun as yours.” Athena sighed.
“Let’s hear it.”
“When I said it was not nearly as fun, I just meant depressing.” Athena said.
“Let's hear it ‘Thena.”
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She said, before she cleared her throat and started her story.
“When I was a little girl, this girl a few years younger than me went missing. She was never found, I think that changed something in me. Then I met Emmet when I was in law school. He was recruiting people for the LAPD, he gave me his number. I met with him, he told me why he became a cop and it resonated with me. I decided to join the department, it was difficult getting through training, but he made it bearable. Oh. Emmet and I were so in love.” She said, as she wiped away a tear.
“I was ecstatic when I found out he was going to propose to me. I was waiting for him to return from the store when I found a ring in his room. I waited for a while, when the doorbell rang. It was an officer informing me he had passed away, he got shot and died at the scene. My mother insisted I should quit the whole police dream, but I stuck with it. For Emmet.”
“Oh Athena. I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you Eddie.”
“If I may ask. How did you move on from that loss?”
“I didn’t Eddie, I moved past it.” Athena replied
After a minute of silence she asked.
“Why do you ask Eddie?”
“The other part of my reason. My um. My friend I guess. I met him during my second deployment, he had just lost his commander. I told him the loss will get easier. But since I’ve realised that’s bad advice. I don’t know how to deal with loss at all. I um. I lied to him, loss never gets easier.”
“Loss never gets easier, no, but living does.” She said, after taking a long deep breath Athena continued.
“Why is he the other half of your reason?”
“He um. Evan, his name is Evan. Evan, he asked me if I ever felt like the universe was screaming at me. To which I replied that the universe doesn’t scream. When I kept seeing all these signs out there, when I kept seeing firefighters everywhere, I stupidly felt like the universe was screaming at me.”
“That’s beautiful Eddie.”
“That is what he did. Evan made everything beautiful.”
“Is he still in the army?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since he left me. He was a Navy SEAL, his squad was only at our base for a month. They left suddenly, he didn’t tell me.”
“Oh Eddie. If you think it will help you move past him, I could try to reach out to some people. To see if anyone knows anything.”
“I only know his first name. It is a lost cause. But I appreciate the gesture, thank you Athena.”
Eddie went home soon after. He laid in his bed staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep longer than normal. The tall blonde was haunting his mind, those piercing blue eyes keeping him awake. He thought about how Evan’s blue eyes crinkled as he smiled. How the birthmark that adorned Evan’s eyebrow felt under his thumb, how Evan had kissed him softly after Eddie had admitted he loved the birthmark. He thought about Evan, with his eyes deep blue, full of lust looking up at Eddie.
He thought about what Athena had said. That information about Evan could help him move on, or move past as Athena said. Eddie was not sure he wanted to move past Evan, but he was sure he could not keep living like this. So Eddie decided to dig up his old army things, using them to call people to ask around about the SEAL unit that was with them at the base. He figured out which team Evan was in, which led him to a discharge statement. The only non-confidential, not redacted piece of information he could find. It was an immediate discharge notice following an accident the SEAL unit was in. They were from one Kiana Zhào, her name was familiar. Evan had mentioned her a couple times, Eddie thought.
Eddie sat on this information for a day, before deciding to give her a call. A woman picked up the phone.
“Hello, Kiana’s phone.”
“Hello, am I speaking with Kiana Zhào?”
“No, she is in the other room. Who are you?”
“My name is Eddie Diaz, I need to speak with Kiana.”
“I’ll go get her, may I ask why you are calling.”
“It’s um. It’s about her SEAL unit.”
“In that case, have a nice day.” Then the lady hung up on him.
Frantically Eddie called the number again. The same voice rang through the phone speaker.
“Hello?”
“Please don’t hang up again.”
“Are you with the navy?”
“No, I am not. I just need to speak to Kiana, please. It is important.”
“She. She doesn’t like talking about her time with the SEALs.”
“I just need to know about one of her teammates, from her unit. I am looking for him. I am calling in hopes that she can help me.”
“She doesn’t know much, she cut most ties with the navy. But you seem honest, I will get her for you. Hang on one second.”
Eddie waits for about 3 minutes before a voice comes through the phone again.
“Hello, this is Kiana speaking.” A different female voice says.
“Hi, sorry to bother you. I was wondering if you kept in touch with any of your old SEAL unit?”
“Not really. My girlfriend, who picked up the phone, told me why you were calling. I don’t think I can be of help to you. Who exactly are you looking for?”
“I am looking for. For Evan. I don’t know his last name. I am Eddie, we. Um. We met at my stationary base in Afghanistan. Your unit was here for about a month.”
“Wow.” She sounded shocked.
“I know it’s a long shot, but I am looking for Evan.”
“Um. I haven’t talked to Evan since, since the accident. Last I heard he became commander, I got a letter for his ceremony, I didn’t attend. I have not spoken to him in. Oh god, in very long.” She came over as regretful.
“Wow, that is very fast.”
“Yeah, I think he might be the youngest one. We were a special forces SEAL unit, he probably continued that route.”
“Do you have any information for me, maybe he has family I can call?”
“No. His name is Evan Buckley. Commander Evan Buckley with the navy SEALs. I highly doubt your search is going to come up with much, as most of what special forces does is highly confidential.”
“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
“Good luck Eddie. If you find him, tell him that I hope he is well.”
“I will. Thank you.”
“Don’t call me again. Goodbye Eddie.”
And with that the phone went silent. The end of the call beep rang loudly.
Evan Buckley. It sounded so strange, Eddie had loved this man so intimately and had only now learnt his full name. He continued his investigation for months, but came up blank. Just like Kiana had predicted, all the files being confidential, with nobody able to tell him anything.
Not where his Evan was, if he was even still alive at all. He wasn’t put in touch with any relatives or close friends, as if Evan had stopped existing, as if Eddie had made him up.
Eddie gave up, admitting defeat. Evan clearly no longer existed in the outside world, so Eddie would keep him safe in his memories.
He looked at the belongings he brought back from deployment. A small box, with a few letters from Shannon, a smooth rock, and the letter Evan had left him.
But most importantly was a necklace chain with a small silver charm on it. The small silver charm vaguely resembled a flower, the craftsmanship was awful. Evan had made it for him, he presented it to Eddie in their second week at base. Proudly telling Eddie he had smelted one of his dog tags into the horrendously ugly blob, vaguely resembling a flower. Evan told him that if Eddie kept this near, that then they would still be together whenever Evan’s unit would leave for their next assignment.
Eddie remembers it fondly. Evan had explained it when they had woken up again in the morning. Telling Eddie excitedly that the flower was supposed to be an Oleander, which is native to Texas. Eddie was touched that the man remembered where Eddie said he was from. Ever since then Oleanders became associated with Evan, instead of the field behind his elementary school.
Eddie dreamed about Evan often, the wet dreams became much less frequent as time passed. He awoke from the sun shining brightly through his window. He winced at the sight, he turned to the other side of the bed. Still waking up alone, without Evan by his side. Eddie had to admit that it hurt just a little bit less, when he knew Evan was not going to be there. Eddie put his head in his hands, betrayed by his own subconscious. Having a wet dream about a man he had not seen in almost 3 years was truly pathetic.
Reluctantly, not wanting to leave the comfort of his warm bed, Eddie got up. He walked to his bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror, the dark circles under his eyes ever present. Today marked the day that he would become an official firefighter. No longer a probationary employee, a full on firefighter.
Eddie felt proud of himself and the man he was becoming.
He had heard the universe scream at him, and this time he listened.