Chapter Text
Damp and shivering from the snow, Lily squinted at the early-morning fluorescent lighting of the grocery store as the rest of the crew was beginning to set up hidden cameras in the produce aisle. The challenge for the day was for the guys to try and sneak an object of the others’ choice into someone’s shopping cart without them noticing.
“Nice sweater, Trey,” Lily said up to a camera guy on a ladder, who was wearing a gaudy and brightly-colored Christmas sweater adorned with dozens of jingle bells sewn on the sleeves.
“Christmas in only a week, WOO!” Trey enthusiastically cheered, jingled the bells on his arms, then grinned and went back to rigging the hidden camera. The enthusiasm and positivity of everyone on the crew was the best part of working as a production assistant on Impractical Jokers —almost the best part.
After walking into the back room and shedding the many warm layers that still seemed foreign to her, not being a native New Yorker, Lily picked up her walkie and clipped it to her back pocket. She looked up and made direct eye contact with Q who smiled at her quickly, then went back to scrolling on his phone. She felt her cheeks warm and was grateful he’d looked back down. Sal and Joe were in the midst of a friendly argument about how many slices of cake they think they could each eat until they ultimately puked, and Murr was eating his breakfast bowl at a table silently, looking sleepy.
“Lily,” another production assistant, Katelyn, said, touching her on the arm.
“Hmm?” Lily said, caught off guard.
“Okay, so I’m glad you’re here,” Katelyn consulted her clipboard for a moment. “I need you to mic the guys and make sure they’re actually working. They’ve been kind of spotty so far with the power outages in the area because of the snow.”
“Where’s Dylan?” Lily asked.
“He called out this morning. Said something about a lost cat, a plastic fork, and a CD player…I don’t know either, so don’t look at me like that. Anyway, he’s not here, so you’re on mic duty.”
“I’m not sure I’m the best to ask,” Lily admitted. “I’ve never mic’d them before.”
“Just clip it somewhere inconspicuous like their lapels,” Katelyn gestured to her shirt collar. “And then have them say something into it. I’ll give you a thumbs up if it comes through on my headphones.”
“Alright, I can do that,” Lily said. She mic’d Murr and Joe, clipping it onto their shirts and exchanging friendly conversation. The whole crew was pretty close at this point, having gone out multiple times a month and always hanging out outside of work, and they’d always made a point to welcome her, even though she had only started about eight months ago. Katelyn cleared them with a thumbs up from where she was sitting behind dual monitors.
Lily cleared her throat and willed her hands to stop trembling as she walked over to Q.
“Hi,” she said, smiling and mentally kicking herself for her voice faltering. He smiled instantly.
“Hey, how’re you?” he asked, polite.
“I’m good,” she said. “I just, uh, I need to mic you.”
He kind of chuckled back in response.
“I know.”
Lily swallowed and reached up and attached the small mic to his blue flannel lapel, her hands so close to his broad chest, feeling his dark brown eyes looking at her. She didn’t look up to meet them, especially knowing how pretty she thought they were. He smells good. Stop blushing. Stop blushing. Say something.
“It’s done,” she said. He laughed a little.
“That was a dramatic way to put it,” Q leaned his head down a little to speak into the mic. “Testing, testing, testing with Lily.” He smiled down at her, an eyebrow raised. She smiled back, flushing, finally meeting his eyes. Katelyn gave them the thumbs up.
Lily was grateful to move onto Sal, her closest friend out of any of the Jokers, and so she could calm her nerves after being around Q. She wished she could be more confident, but she just completely clammed up around him, not knowing what to say at all. She always had so many ideas in the shower or driving of how she could flirt with him or what she could say, but her brain went hopelessly blank around him, in full panic mode.
“So, how many slices of cake do you think you could eat in one sitting without puking?” Sal asked as she pinned the mic onto his sweater. Lily laughed.
“Don’t drag me into this. That’s a Joe conundrum,” she said. He spoke a “hello” into the mic, and Katelyn gave them both a final thumbs up.
Dropping his voice, Sal leaned down to ask her, “Hey, can I talk to you for a sec in private?”
Confused and worried, Lily nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
Sal led her back out into the store and into an aisle away from the rest of the crew.
“What’s wrong, Sal?” Lily asked, concern lacing her voice. He grinned.
“Nothing’s wrong. Actually, so much is going right.” He smiled at her, his voice dropping lower. “So I’m assuming you’re never, ever going to tell him?” he asked.
“What?” Lily responded.
“Brian. I assume you’re probably never going to tell him you have a thing for him, right?” Sal asked. Lily felt warmth creep up and dust her cheeks. He touched her arm gently to steady her.
“I’m messing with you. It’s not a big deal—I promise. We all know,” he said, waving a hand dismissively, like it was nothing.
“What are you talking about?” Lily asked, her heart beating against her chest with nerves, the harsh fluorescents not helping calm her.
“That you like him,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, a statement of fact.
“I–I don’t,” Lily started to protest. “Who is ‘we’?”
“Me, Joe, Murr, the crew,” Sal started to name people off, shrugging. Lily looked down at his mic, its little green light glowing.
“Your mic’s on!” she said, quickly moving to turn it off. Sal laughed at her anxiousness.
“Katelyn knows, too! She's turned Q's mic off so I could ask you this. It’s all good. I promise you, it’s not a big deal. So, it’s true, then?”
Lily felt like her entire world was imploding. She’d done her best to keep this a secret from everyone on the crew for the entire time she’d been here, save for her closest female coworkers, that she’d had a huge crush on Q for a long time.
“I,” she began. “Please don’t tell him, Sal. Please. I’m begging you.”
Sal kind of laughed, looking at her pleading and panicked expression.
“Calm down—I’m not going to. But for the record, as much as he’s my best friend, I think it’s really sweet.”
“How did you know?” Lily asked quietly after a moment. Sal chuckled again.
“Are you kidding me? You’re the least subtle person alive. You’re so weirdly quiet around him and giggle at all his really bad jokes. Plus, you stare at him kind of very obviously.”
“I don’t do that,” Lily said, lying through her teeth, then paused at Sal’s expression.
“Uh, huh. Okay, sure. As if you’ve ever said two words to him,” Sal said, smiling. Lily felt her heart drop.
“Does he know?” she asked, her voice barely above a wavering whisper, fearing the answer she’d get back. Sal shook his head.
“God, no. No offense, but he’s kind of dumb with women. He might flirt with everyone, but he’s definitely really bad with working through his feelings. He doesn’t ‘do’ relationships. I’ve known him a long time, and he for sure thinks you’re just being nice to him. I think it’s kind of killing him slowly, actually.”
“What do you mean?” Lily asked, relieved at the answer but confused again. Sal dropped his voice even lower.
“Look, I would never tell you this if I didn’t think it was for everyone involved’s good. Bro code,” he said, holding up a hand in a solemn promise. “But do you actually like him?”
Lily nodded gently, the heat still in her cheeks. Sal let out a breath.
“Okay, good, that’s so good. He…he doesn’t know how to approach this. He knows you’re technically his coworker, and you’re in your mid 20s and he’s in his late 30s. He thinks he’s being creepy, and you probably want nothing to do with him besides being a friend,” Sal explained. Lily scrunched her eyebrows together.
“I’m so confused right now,” she said. Sal let out a dry laugh.
“Sorry, I’m really beating around the bush. I just feel bad letting my friend’s secrets out like this, but I’ll explain why in a second. Q likes you. Like, really actually likes you. I haven’t seen him this seriously interested in someone in a long time. He’s been badly hurt by women in the past, you know? But he keeps going on and on about how you’re different and so pretty and all this other stuff.”
Lily blinked at Sal in shock, dumbfounded.
“He likes me?”
Sal smiled and continued.
“Isn’t it obvious? He flirts with you all the time. He’s just so stubborn and won’t ask you out because, like I said, he thinks you’d think he was weird for hitting on you.”
“I–I wouldn’t think that,” Lily said. “I don’t think that.”
Sal smiled. “I know, but he’s really got it in his mind that it’s a bad idea to ask you out.”
“He wants to ask me out?” Lily asked, not believing it, but smiling.
“Yeah, for a long time. He’s just a weird guy,” Sal said.
“So, if he’ll never ask me out, why are you even telling me this?”
Sal grinned, putting his hands in his pockets, a knowing smirk spreading across his face.
“We kiiiinda want to use it against him as a punishment,” he said.
“What, how?” Lily turned over a couple of milk crates so they could sit down and have a better conversation about this, and so she could brace herself with all of this new and unexpected information. They sat down together on the crates in the aisle, away from where the rest of the crew was rigging cameras in hidden corners.
“So, here’s how you’re involved. We set it up like it’s going to be something else—you know the drill by now. We reveal his real task is to ask you out,” Sal said, smiling. “Leave that part to us. He’ll think asking you out in an embarrassing way is the only part of the punishment. Then…all you have to do is reject him.”
“What?” Lily asked, her eyes widening. Sal shook his head reassuringly.
“I know it sounds evil, but that’s the purpose of a punishment, right? They’re basically humiliation rituals. You’ll have an earpiece, and you just reject him in the absolute worst way imaginable. If you can’t think of anything on the spot, we’ll feed you lines.”
“But Sal, I wouldn’t actually reject him. I’d say yes if he asked me out,” Lily laughed nervously.
“I know, but he doesn’t need to know that. At least not until the cameras stop rolling. He’ll have no clue you’re in on the whole thing and think you’re rejecting him for real. After, you can tell him it wasn’t real. It’s kind of a win-win, actually. He gets the girl, you get your guy. The punishment is good television.”
“You actually want us together?” Lily asked. Sal sighed.
“I think you might be good for him. He’s kind of complicated, and you seem to make him really happy. He’s weird about relationships, but…I don’t know…he talks differently about you. I just want to see my best friend happy in love for once. Well, at least after the punishment’s over. And, it’s been cute and entertaining to watch, but you’re both so oblivious to each other’s signals that it’s been driving me and the rest of the crew crazy.”
“I’d just feel so terrible knowing I’m actively hurting him,” Lily voiced her concerns.
“It’s only in the moment. I promise you can tell him it was all an act after. Hey, think about it. We’ve done worse. Murr has had a literal finger in his ass on live television. I think Q can handle a little rejection from his crush.”
Lily smiled at Sal calling her his “crush”.
“Well,” she said. “Okay, I guess.”
Sal grinned, clapping his hands together.
“Wait, really? You’ll do it?”
Lily nodded. “I’ll do it.”
Sal made a “yes” motion with his fist.
“Okay, awesome. I’ll tell the crew. We’ll all keep it a secret. Punishment on Saturday?”
Lily nodded again, nervous.
“Sal I…” she began. Sal looked at her, listening. “I really like him. I’ve had a crush on him for so long. I just don’t want this to backfire and he ends up hating me.”
“That won’t happen. He might get mad in the moment, but he’ll cool off once he realizes. How long have you liked him, Lily?”
Lily looked down at her hands.
“Since we met,” she admitted.
Sal nodded and took her hands in his. “I’ll make sure it all goes okay, okay? I promise you he feels the same.”
They both stood up off of the milk crates as Lily got a call over her walkie that the store opened in five, and shooting would start in twenty once more customers were in. Sal gave her a little hug. Lily wasn’t sure how she’d make it normally through the rest of the day, let alone until Saturday arrived.