Archive of Our Own

i. triple dog dare

Sirius stands in the alleyway, leaning against the piss riddled graffiti wall, brown paper bag in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He pushes his sunglasses up to the top of his head, pulling his black hair out of his face. 

His shirt sticks to his back with sweat; he really should tie his hair up. 

The heat does nothing for the smell that wafts out of the bins and Sirius takes a drag, leaning his head against the wall. He’s hidden in the only shade, the trunk of a tree leaning over the alleyway wall. Weeds stick out through the cracks in the pavement, brown and shrivelled from the intensity of the sun, which he looks up at through the gaps in the branches, watching the birds hop from branch to branch. He listens to the sound of the city, cars honking and a group of girls walking past laughing.

The door to the building slams open, whacking against the wall and a frazzled looking Remus steps out, nearly tripping on the stairs that lead down. Sirius startles. 

“Sorry,” Remus says, closing it. “I always think the door’s heavier than it is.”

He’s dressed in his work uniform, all black attire. Black button up, black tie, black belt holding up black trousers. Black trainers. He’s technically a waiter, but mostly he deals with giving very rich and important people alcoholic beverages. 

Sirius thinks he looks absolutely lovely. 

Remus got a haircut recently, it’s the shortest it’s been since they were at school. He looks older, his jaw looks sharper and it makes Sirius want to bite. 

It’s a shit haircut honestly, Remus most definitely did it himself. It’s a bit choppy on the sides, but Sirius can’t explain how feral it’s making him. 

His crush on Remus isn’t new – not even close to a new revelation. It’s old and festering. What he feels for Remus is like a rash and there’s flare ups, there’s times where he can’t resist the urge to pick at it, to imagine what would happen if he let his hands linger. 

“Alright?” Remus asks. 

Sirius kicks off the wall, holding out the paper bag. 

“What's this?” 

“Lunch.”

“Cheers.” Remus smiles, there’s a chip in his front tooth. He takes the bag and then reaches his hand out, silently asking for the cigarette which Sirius reluctantly passes to him. He settles in on a beat up looking plastic chair that’s dangerously close to losing one of its legs, cigarette dangling from his lips. The chair is way too tiny for him, his knees nearly kicking himself in the face as he balances the bag carefully on his knees. 

“How long is your break?” Sirius asks. Remus exhales smoke before he takes a bite from the sandwich Sirius got him from the shop down the street.

“‘spossed to be 20 minutes for lunch,'' He checks the watch, it’s an old thing that used to be his father’s with a slight crack in the corner of the face and worn leather. “But I reckon 10 mins.”

Sirius tries to not make a noise in frustration, “I never see you anymore, Moons.”

“You’re seeing me right now.” He takes another bite and talks around the food in his mouth. Sirius snatches the cigarette back from him. “I just saw you the other night too, at the pub.”

“Not like that,” Sirius says. He feels nervous and almost too embarrassed to be asking. They’ve been out of school for a month. A school where they shared a room together for six years. He’s not used to being alone so often and also not seeing Remus at breakfast and between classes. 

Remus, James, and Peter are all spread out across the city with their own flats. Sirius has resorted to bringing Remus his lunch in an effort to see him more often. “I mean…. We never hang out anymore. We used to do stuff. This isn’t doing stuff.”

Remus stops mid-chew, “Yeah – been a bit busy, I guess.”

There’s more honking coming from the street accompanying people shouting something about jaywalking. 

“Come round to mine after?” Sirius asks him.

A slight breeze disrupts the air between them, why is it so hard to breathe? 

Remus looks like he’s weighing his options when the door slams open again, only this time it’s his orange haired co-worker who yells, “Remus! There you are! We need you. Group of twelve just showed up and we need the back room ready, now!” 

Remus sighs and stands to go back inside. He puts the sandwich back in the bag and rolls it up, tightening his tie again. 

“Okay, Pads. I'll be over after work.” 

Sirius stands alone in the alleyway and resists the urge to spin. 

The walk home feels exceptionally brighter. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

Sirius tries his best not to get completely pissed before Remus gets there, but he’s afraid that he’s been stood up. Stood up by his oldest and most cherished friend, so he fiddles in the kitchen. Putting things away and taking snacks back out of the cupboard. 

Maybe he should order takeaway? He should definitely try to not have another glass of wine. 

The phone rings and he nearly trips on the rug in his effort to run and answer it. “Hello?”

“Pads?” 

Sirius hates the way that just by the mention of his childhood nickname he’s already put more at ease. The tension leaving his body. He leans against the kitchen wall, receiver tucked into his ear like if he can press hard enough he could feel Remus here with him now. 

“Yeah?” Sirius breathes out. A breath he never realized he was holding. 

“Sorry I know it’s late.” There’s a pause and Sirius knew it, he knew Remus wasn’t going to come tonight. “They asked if I wanted overtime and I needed the hours.” 

“Yeah, sure, of course. I understand.” Sirius tries not to let the disappointment bleed into his voice, but it unfortunately catches on the last bit.

It’s quiet on the other line, except for the sounds of the busy restaurant. Lately there has been something weird going on between the two of them, this unsureness, this over-politeness. 

“It’ll be late,” Remus says. “But I can still come over after. If– if you still want me to?” 

“Yes!” Sirius answers a little too quickly, a little too eager. He’d be ashamed to admit that he’s been looking forward to this all day, he’d be too disappointed to put into words if Remus didn’t come over. 

“Alright, be there soon.” Remus’ voice crackles out and then the click of the receiver. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

The double french doors in Sirius’ living room are thrown wide open, the summer breeze moves the curtains occasionally, but not enough to give relief from the London heat. The temperature in the evening lowers a bit. There’s a fan placed right in the middle, pathetically providing an artificial breeze, the oscillating feature abused so much that the movement is a fraction of what it used to be. 

“How was work?” Sirius asks conversationally and since when did it get so hard to talk to Remus? Since when did he get nervous with just the two of them? 

“Had a customer complain about wait times, asked me if I could call someone to help and it’s like who? Who is there to call? You can see everyone that works here and we’re all busy.”

Sirius sits on the sofa, one arm propped along the back with his hand in his hair. He’s had far too much wine and far too little food. 

“Should’ve spat in their face.” 

This has the exact response that Sirius intends for it to have— Remus throws his head back in a laugh, neck elongated and Adam's apple moving. Sirius can only stare, surely it can’t have been that funny but he watches him laugh, completely entranced. When Sirius gets drunk like this his mind starts to wander, how would it feel to have his lips on Remus’ throat? To feel his voice reverberate? 

He wants to feel his laugh and taste it. 

“Yeah, I’m sure that would be a very normal response and wouldn't get me fired at all.” Remus finally says after catching his breath.

Sirius is thrown back to reality just in time to see Remus roll a joint with practiced fingers. This was another reason for his delay, he reeked of it when Sirius opened the door.

“Ugh!” Sirius sloshes his drink on accident while reaching for the unlit joint. “Fuck your job. You don’t even need to work, just– come live with me.” 

“That’s not a good idea.” 

“Why not?” Sirius asks, genuinely curious. “We lived together for years back in school.” An all boys boarding school, mind you.

“But that’s different,” Remus stutters slightly, Sirius waits expectantly for him to finish his reasoning. “There were James and Peter too.” 

“Every night would be just like this.” Sirius grins. What a wonderful idea he’s had; him and Remus getting pissed on his sofa every evening seems like so much fun.

He leans forward with the joint hanging lazily from his lips, quirking an eyebrow at Remus as if saying, “Well it’s not going to light itself now is it?”

The breeze from the fan makes it hard for it to light so he cups his hand around Sirius’ jaw to shade the flame. Sirius watches the orange flame illuminate Remus’ face, reflecting off his eyes. His eyelashes are so long, nearly touching his eyebrows when he looks back up at him. 

Sirius forgets to inhale, which makes Remus smirk, “Are you going to help me here?” 

Sirius sucks in, hollowing out his cheeks, and puffs it a few times making sure it’s caught. He watches Remus the whole time, orange tip burning and the high blush in his cheekbones. He suddenly feels very lightheaded even when Remus lets go of his jaw and leans back against the back of the couch again. 

He can distantly hear Remus mutter to himself, “yeah, not a good idea.” and Sirius doesn’t have the energy to argue.

He’s not entirely sure how it happens, it must be the summer heat that’s getting to him because one moment they’re sitting on the sofa, he’s sipping his wine and Remus is smoking his joint. He lets the milky smoke out of his mouth, looking at Sirius the whole time. His head feels so light and he doesn’t think it’s because of the alcohol. 

So he’s really not sure at what point he went from sitting on the sofa to straddling Remus’ lap. 

And the strangest thing is that… Remus doesn’t seem to mind too much. He looks up at him with half lidded eyes, red rimmed from the weed. He keeps his hands to himself, occasionally lifting to take a drag from the joint. 

“I love this haircut,” Sirius finds himself saying, almost as if there's someone deep in his throat pulling strings and making words come out. He doesn’t have time to panic though. 

“Do you?” Remus smirks. He’s looking at Sirius quite funny, his eyes are like honey and Sirius is stuck in them. 

“Yeah, it suits you.” 

Sirius adjusts himself on his lap and there’s a sharp inhalation from Remus at the same time his hands land on Sirius' hips to keep him still. It’s a charged moment, neither moving, nor even breathing. Sirius feels an apology making its way up his throat, but then he sees Remus’ eyes fall down to his mouth. He unconsciously wets his lips and sees the miniscule expression flicker across Remus’ face. 

His stomach swoops. 

Sirius takes a chance, just the smallest roll of his hips, he knows maybe he shouldn’t, maybe he should get off his lap altogether, but he wants to make him make that noise again. Even though Remus’ hands are on his hips he lets him move, his grip tightening even more, he takes his thumb and makes circles on his hip bones. Sirius watches him very closely, as his lips part and the smallest sigh of relief leaves his mouth. Remus’ head falls back and he watches him, never taking his eyes off Sirius. He can feel Remus hardening under him with every roll of his hips.

Then it’s almost like his hands are encouraging Sirius hips, helping him to grind down harder. A moan escapes him when he feels Remus’ hands make their way up his shirt, thumb circling his nipple.

“I waited for you all day,” Sirius says as he lolls his head to look back down at him, his black hair curtaining his face. The admission makes his head swim and he’s not sure if he’s even said it out loud. 

Remus takes his shirt off for him, messing up his hair and tossing it off to the side. Remus looks up at him and kisses up his chest, to his collarbones and the spot behind his ear. Sirius grinds on him harder with his hands tangled in his hair, in the haircut that got them into this mess in the first place, and he yanks his head back to look at him. 

It’s like a dare: who will break first? I triple dog dare you to kiss me.

Sirius rolls his hips, putting his all into grinding down into him and Remus moans underneath him, whiny and desperate. Any restraint that Sirius had left, snaps as he leans forward and kisses him. 

He kisses him and it’s like a dam breaks. He’s absorbed in it, and when Remus pushes his tongue into his mouth he becomes pliant, if only for a moment, before they’re crashing like waves into each other, forceful and frantic. 

Remus’ hands find their way down to his ass, grabbing a fistful that makes Sirius unabashedly moan, which seems to encourage Remus more. More more more.  

Remus lays Sirius back on the sofa, slotting himself between his legs and Sirius can his erection on his leg. 

He’s so caught up in it, the frustration of it not being enough, but also it being the best sex he’s ever had.

“Feels so good,” He hears Remus mumble, almost under his breath. 

Sirius rubs his foot up the back of Remus’ legs, now shamelessly moaning into his mouth and he tries to reach a hand down between them to undo the zipper on Remus’ trousers, but he can’t get enough space between them. He doesn’t want any space between them. “ Fuck! ”

Remus leans down, grinding into him even more, changing the angle of it and suddenly it’s just right. Grinding up into his thigh, he's grabbing at Remus’ clothing, white knuckled and feeling the building of release. Remus is kissing up his neck and behind his ear and he can hear him. All his soft noises and just how well he responds when Sirius reaches to grab his ass. 

It’s sort of embarrassing what they’re doing. Dry humping on the couch. 

Remus’ boney hip digging into him and he hasn’t even touched him properly, but this is exactly what he’s been waiting for for years. 

“Remus,” he warns, but it just encourages Remus to rut harder, faster. Sirius holds onto him as he comes in his pants, throwing his head back and his vision whiting out. He vaguely hears Remus coming on top of him, a long drawn out grunt which would make Sirius come again if he had anything left in him. 

Remus collapses on top of him, his full weight feels like a comfort. The orgasm and the wine make him so sleepy and soon darkness engulfs him as he can’t keep his eyes open much longer. 

In the middle of the night Sirius wakes up alone on the sofa in the dark. The double french doors are still open, the sounds of the street spilling up into the living room. He listens to the sounds of the flat and realizes that Remus isn’t here anymore.

ii. throw the dog a bone

“ 'I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,' is the opening line to what poem by Allen Ginsberg?” The announcer at the front of the pub reads out in a sort of bored and nasally voice, that even on a good day Sirius would find quite annoying. Their pub is dingy, but has a sort of charm that comes with being drunk and being the precise central location to all of their flats.

"Fuck, I think I know that one!" James, looking utterly distressed, grabs a handful of his hair before straightening out his glasses.

There’s the clack of the pool table with a new set breaking and the group there doesn't look too impressed with the prospects this round. Sirius can’t help but keep glancing around the pub, waiting for the moment he will see a very tall boy with a very shitty haircut walk through the door. 

Trivia is almost over and Remus still hasn’t shown up. After their hookup Sirius had been expecting some backlash, some serious Remus avoidance at play, but the man went absolutely dark and he hasn’t seen him since that night. For a moment of weakness Sirius had thought about preemptively canceling on James. He didn't think he’d be able to sit at the pub and pretend things are fine while he’s wondering where Remus is and how he can possibly fix the friendship that they had. But he knew if he stayed home it would just send him spiraling. So he came out anyways and tried to distract himself. 

"Something about yapping, I think." James says. Sirius takes another sip of his wine. "Or maybe it's yowling?"

"You're thinking 'yawp'." Remus says as he slides into the booth. "And that was Whitman, the poem they're referring to is Howl ."

“I thought you couldn’t make it!” James yells, talking louder than is necessary, obviously already drunk.

“Something came up and I’m free again.” Remus very pointedly will not look at Sirius. 

"Wait, Pete, hurry, write that down." James leans over Peter's shoulder trying to get a better look. "Thank god you're here Remus, it wasn't looking too good. This one," James makes a big show of grabbing Sirius and putting him in a headlock. "Has been moping all night."

The people at the table next to them lean over, "You can't just add people at the last minute, that's cheating!"

"Oi! Shut it!" James shouts at them, "He's just come back from the toilet.” Like he wasn't just announcing Remus' arrival a second ago. 

James releases Sirius and turns back around to Remus, “You want a pint? I need another, I’ll get you one too.” He half-stands, surveying their table. “Actually I’ll get another round for all of us.” 

Now that it's just the three of them remaining at the table Peter looks between the two of them, “Wait, James, I’ll help!” 

Remus has already started to fidget, ripping up bits of napkin into a pile on the table. Sirius knows Remus never intended for them to be alone with each other, so he’s not entirely shocked when Remus says— “I need a smoke,” and excuses himself from the table. 

But it can’t always be that easy, Sirius thinks. He’s also convinced that Remus is going to make a run for it the second he gets outside. 

“Me too.”

He follows Remus out the side door, staring at the back of his shitty haircut the whole time.

It’s awkward as they light their cigarettes in tandem, so Sirius tries to break the ice. He knows they’re not going to talk about it, not exactly anyways. It’ll have to be in a sort of roundabout Remus way to get to the topic. 

“You know that night you came over? The front door was wide open when I woke up,” Sirius says. He flicks the ash off the end of his cigarette. 

“Fuck Sirius, really? I swear I shut it—”

“Pack of stray dogs were in my kitchen rifling through my pantry.”

“Alright— fuck off.”

“No, but seriously you left the front door unlocked.” He tries to keep his voice light and teasing, but it bothered him the way Remus left. “Bet you didn’t think to lock it when you made your escape.” 

“I– I wasn’t escaping.” Remus at least looks uncomfortable. “I couldn't spend the night, I had work in the morning.”

“Mhm,” Sirius nods. “Could’ve woken me though. Bet you tiptoed out in your socks and shut the door as quietly as you could.” 

“I didn't want to disturb you.” 

Disturb, what a strange word. The way he wants Remus so badly disturbs him to the point of concern. Doesn’t he know that he could do anything to him and he’d be alright with it? 

“You know you don’t have to be like that with me.” Sirius takes another drag. “I had a lovely time.” 

Remus is quiet, the lamplight shining over the both of them. Bugs swarm the light.

“I wouldn’t mind if it happened again actually,” Sirius says, testing the waters, scared he’s going to make Remus run off again. 

Remus laughs. “Oh really? I was that good?” Sirius can see how Remus cringes after he says it, the way his eyebrows scrunch up and then as he tries to hide it by scratching his brow. Sirius knows everything about him. 

Yes. A thousand times yes. Sirius would do or say anything for it to happen again. He’s been desperately afraid that this was a one-off thing. A thing that they might never talk about again. A thing that would make Remus afraid of him, that anytime they were alone together Remus would look for ways to leave him. He’s afraid he’s made Remus uncomfortable around him. That’s the last thing he wants. 

“It was fun,” is all Sirius says. “I had a lot of fun.” 

The music from the pub spills out into the street. James and Peter are probably going to be looking for them soon. 

“I did too.” Remus says.

Sirius almost doesn’t catch it, but when he does it’s like he’s been punched square in the chest, his heart kick-starting. He tries to hide his smile behind a drag of his cigarette as he looks at Remus, who very pointedly isn’t looking at him, but there's a flush high in his cheekbones. 

Feeling daring, Sirius prompts: “What are you doing after this then?” 

Remus laughs and it’s lovely, he’s so lovely. Please keep laughing forever, never stop . Sirius would put on the whole clown outfit just to hear it again and again. 

“Are you asking me back round to yours?”

“Yeah, I am. It’s empty- well it’s always empty.” He’ll take what he can get, he’ll take Remus however he’ll let him have him. “We could make this like an arrangement, if you like?” 

Remus hums. “An arrangement?” 

“Yeah, the sex.” Sirius hears how bold his words sound, and he hopes that Remus can’t see the way that his hand shakes as he brings his cigarette up to his mouth. 

Remus is quiet for a while, and it makes Sirius want to squirm and fidget. Makes him want to say fuck it and run off down the street. 

“Just like– whenever one of us is free,” Sirius says. “It’s been a headache trying to get dates lately. We could just– arrange to meet up every once in a while and fuck.” 

“Okay,” Remus says finally. “So not like–” 

Remus stops himself for what it is he wants to say. 

Sirius is so afraid that he’s already pushed this too far. If Remus knows how serious he is about him then he might run off again, so he finishes it for him before he gets the opportunity: 

“Just fooling around, yeah. Nothing serious. But no fucking off like that after though.” Sirius tries to keep his tone light but he’s actually very serious about this last part. “Don’t ever do that again, okay?” 

“Okay, agreed.” 

And they shake on it.

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

When they go back inside the pub they don’t stay very long. They probably should stay longer, but Sirius is like a live cable. He’s antsy and can’t seem to sit still, or to even be able to stop looking at Remus. 

“Remus!” James whines when they’ve missed another round of questions again. It’s so obvious that they’re not winning this thing. “You’re supposed to be helping us!”

“Sorry, I think I’m just tired or something. Think I might actually head out.” Remus downs the last of his pint, and Sirius can’t keep his eyes off Remus’ head as it tilts back, his Adams Apple bobbing with the swallow. His jeans are starting to feel too tight. 

“I think I’ll head out too,” Sirius blurts, maybe a beat too late. “I’ll walk you home, make sure you get back okay?”

“What?” James yells. “No! We’ll be disqualified if you leave now.”

“It’s okay,” Peter tries to comfort him. “We weren't going to win anyways.”

“That’s not the point,” James grumbles. And Sirius does feel a little bad about that, but losing one week at pub trivia won't be the end of the world. James will get over it. 

The walk to Sirius’ flat is charged. It’s a weird sort of energy because they’ve agreed that they’re going to have sex now. Last time it was spontaneous and all impulses. This time it’s very intentional and Sirius is practically buzzing with energy, because he knows, (he knows!) exactly what Remus sounds like, what he tastes like. He feels drunk off it even though he didn’t have much to drink back at the pub. While they walk next to each other Remus smokes another cigarette and passes it over to Sirius. 

The way that their shadows from the street lamp touch when they walk in public and Sirius thinks about how this might be the only time they’re touching with everyone around them. 

They make it back to Sirius’ flat and Remus looks around with his hands in his pockets as Sirius tries to get the door open.

The lights are off in his flat, with only the street light coming in from the window, casting shadows on his living room floor. He lets Remus walk in first. He presses his back to the door after shutting it, looking Remus up and down, he looks so unsure with his hands stuffed in his pockets and Sirius unconsciously bites his lip.

Remus turns to look at him, slowly walking over to close the space between them, each step looking so intentional. In the dark, Remus’ eyes are large, blinking down at him as he presses their foreheads together. 

“This alright?” he asks. 

Sirius wets his lips before tilting his head up and kisses him. Quiet and simple, nothing he's ever been before. As he pulls back Remus is chasing his lips, recapturing them and bringing his hands up, burying them in his hair. 

Sirius desperately wants to touch him, so he does. 

Sirius slides his leg between Remus’ and then they’re rocking into each other. Remus is making the same breathy noises that he’s made before, the same noises that Sirius heard when he tried to fall asleep every night for the past week. The same noises he thought about as he touched himself in the shower.

Sirius walks them back into the living room and they nearly trip and fall when they run into the coffee table. Sirius gently pushes Remus onto the sofa and kneels down in front of him. He leans forward, resting his chin on Remus’ chest to look up at him. Wetting his lips he says, “I want to suck you off.”

Sirius enjoys the way that he can see Remus' cheekbones coloring and the darkening of his eyes. "Alright." is all he says.

Sirius gathers his hair back from his face and throws it over one of his shoulders. He can feel the nervous energy radiating off of Remus and he’s terrified of how much he wants this to be good for him. He wants Remus to want him just as much.

Remus starts to undo his belt, but Sirius bats his hands away. “Let me,” he tells him. “Take this off.” He gestures for Remus to remove his old band t-shirt, the one that has holes in it. He unzips his trousers, revealing the bulge in his boxers and Sirius can tell that Remus wasn’t expecting to get laid tonight based on his clothing alone, but it almost adds to the allure of him. It makes him desire him more. His mouth fills with saliva just thinking about it. Just the thought that Remus was planning on going back to his flat, alone, probably to make a cup of tea and maybe read a couple chapters of his book and now Sirius has his face in his groin, prepared to suck his cock.  

As Remus pulls his shirt off over his head, Sirius leans forward to mouth at the bulge in his jeans. It's the heady excitement and the way his hair starts at his naval and gets darker until it disappears under his waistband. It’s the anticipation of seeing Remus’ cock for the first time. Sirius doesn’t have concrete evidence (and it’s mostly imagination) but it felt quite large when they were dry humping the other evening. Remus tosses his shirt off to the side and places a hand on the back of Sirius head, he takes a deep breath and feels Remus' hand tighten in his hair.

He keeps his eyes on Remus as he pulls his boxer lower and he can see Remus’ lower stomach tighten in anticipation and his breath coming in quick succession. He pulls the waistband of his boxers down, pulling his length out with a thwack as it smacks his lower stomach, curving up towards his naval. 

Sirius licks the pre-come that has beaded on the tip of his cock and places a kiss to the tip of it. Remus runs a shaky hand through his own choppy hair and throws his head back. “Shit.” He moans. Sirius closes his eyes for a moment, even the sound of him can be too much. Sirius continues to mouth around the head before licking him from base to tip and swallowing him down. He breathes in through his nose as he tries to take him farther back in his throat, bobbing a few times. Remus’ hips cant forward unconsciously and Sirius tries his best not to gag. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” Remus’ voice sounds jagged and rough and he's breathing hard.

Sirius looks up at him, gulping the air and spit dribbling down his chin, “It’s okay, I like it.” His hair keeps falling in his face and Remus brushes it out of it, gathering it all up in one hand, gripping it and using it to control Sirius’ speed. He notices that the faster he goes Remus will tip his head back and bite his lip, stifling whatever noise he is likely to make, but he’s determined to hear him. 

Remus gives him a warning tug on his hair, fingers gripping a handful of it and Sirius loves it, loves him maneuvering exactly where he wants him. “ Sirius.” He says with an urgency, “I– I'm not going to last much longer.”

Remus pulls Sirius off and starts wanking himself frantically. Sirius sits there waiting with his mouth open, tongue hanging out and he sees the flash in his eyes the moment Remus gets it , and he comes in his waiting mouth. 

“ Fuck ,” Remus stares down at him, hand still fisted in his hair before he’s slowly releasing him with a shaky hand. He’s still breathing hard, a sheen of sweat covering his chest. The sounds of the city trickle in through the window and Remus is still looking at him with admiration and maybe a little bit of disbelief while he catches his breath. 

“Are you alright?” Remus asks him, “Come here.” He pulls Sirius up to meet him in a deep, open mouth kiss that has him moaning into it, Remus tasting himself in Sirius' mouth and it’s not what he was expecting. All this is going differently than he expected. 

Remus palms at Sirius' erection through his trousers and Sirius leans into it, needing more, wanting more. He unzips Sirius' jeans and he's so hard that it almost hurts, he's leaking all over his boxers and when Remus wraps his fist around his cock Sirius hisses with the overwhelming sensation.

"Fuck," He moans out. And his thoughts are so scrambled he can't think about anything other than this and Remus. "Remus, Remus, Remus." He says, rough and absentmindedly.

Remus strokes him gently before Sirius' body takes over and he starts thrusting into his hand. He buries his face in Remus' neck, moaning and panting as he fucks into his fist, slow at first but then picking up speed. He's chasing his own release, his breath erratic. 

With Remus' free hand he grabs the back of Sirius' arm and runs his hand up and down it, making goosebumps

"That's it," Remus says, right next to Sirius' ear and that's what tips him over. Sirius' hips start to stutter and he comes with a drawn out moan. Painting Remus' lower stomach.

 Sirius lays like that for a while, catching his breath. He’s coming back into his body in increments and his flat is so hot it’s almost stifling. 

“Sorry about that.” Sirius says when he leans back and sees his come all over Remus’ stomach.

“That’s alright.” Remus says, always the gentleman.  

Sirius picks up his shirt that’s been discarded on the floor and wipes it off for him. He doesn’t exactly know what to do after this, what's the protocol? Last time Remus just left and then pretended it didn’t happen. Sirius really wants to kiss him, but he’s afraid that the moment for that has passed. 

Remus clears his throat and he starts tucking himself back in his trousers. 

“Wanna smoke?” Sirius asks, while striding across the room to open the french doors. 

And maybe nothing is so ruined that a fag can’t fix.

iii. like a vine growing through a chain link fence

“I know it’s early, but Mum’s invited all of you to Diwali this year.” James’ voice crinkles out of the pay phone. “Supposed to be a big one, my Nani is coming from India and Mum wants to make it special.” 

Diwali is three months away, Effy (always the planner) needs to make sure everyone is free well in advance. How could she not know that all of them always keep their schedules free for Diwali every year?

“Of course I’ll be there, haven’t missed one yet have I?” Sirius says into the receiver, it’s oddly sticky and he doesn’t want to dwell on why that may be. 

“Please insert 1 pound to remain on the line” This was supposed to be a quick call, but as always it turned into more.

 “Fuck,” Sirius fishes around his pocket looking for more change. “James I haven't got any more money, I’ll just call you when I get home.”

“Tell Remus too, yeah?”

“Yes, of course I will.”

“He’s hard to come by these days, I think he might be dating someone?” James loves to frame statements as questions, a quiet inquiry of providing more information.  

“Hm I don’t know.” He doesn’t really want this topic to turn into a full blown conversation. 

“You know something.” It’s almost a curse the way James knows him so well; usually he loves that about him, but right now he really wishes he couldn’t read him like a book. 

“What? I don’t.” 

“I can tell when you’re lying, you know?” 

“You can’t and I’m not.” The receiver beeps again. “Anyways, I have to go–”

He doesn’t get to finish what he says, the line beeps. There’s a man outside that bangs on the door, telling him to hurry up. 

“Yeah, yeah,” He swings the door open, gesturing for him to go inside. “All yours.”  

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

Sirius takes the stairs up to Remus’ flat (there are a lot of them), jumping them two at a time. The hallway is filled with caution tape across different doors, looking like something from a zombie apocalypse.

“What's with the stuff in the hallways?” Sirius asks once he’s in the small kitchen. 

“Hm?" Remus is making tea, the electric kettle already beginning to boil. "Oh something with management, I think. Want a cuppa?” He asks, pulling two mugs out before Sirius can even answer. 

“Sure,” He says and goes to grab the milk from the fridge. That’s when he sees it.

On the front of Remus’ fridge is a tiny piece of paper, ripped at the corners and crumpled up, and on this piece of paper is a number followed by a name (Fabian (what a stupid name)) followed by two xx. Sirius feels like he might be sick. 

“Are you going to call him?” Sirius asks. He tries to say this nonchalantly, but a lot is riding on this one answer.  

“Hm?” Remus' back is still turned away and he's fiddling with the mugs, trying to find the tea bags in the cupboard. 

“Are you going to call him,” Sirius squints to look at the paper again (it’s truly terrible handwriting, you’d think if you want someone to call you back that you’d have the decency of tidy penmanship.) “Fabian.” 

“Oh uh—“ Sirius has always found it hard to read Remus, but he can tell when he’s deflecting and it’s just now occurring to him that Remus has probably already called him. The note is plastered on the fucking fridge, right next to the landline. He would’ve thrown it away if he wasn’t going to call. 

“I’m not sure—“ Remus finally gets out after a long sigh. He’s finding making tea incredibly interesting right now. “He works at the bar, he’s the bouncer. He gave it to me in case I’m in trouble or need help or something.”

”Ahh.” Sirius wishes he never brought up this topic in the first place. He knows exactly who he’s talking about, real fit guy, tall, giant muscles, red hair. Everything that Sirius isn’t. He’s just a brick through the window of Remus’ fucking life. He can’t help but always make a mess. 

The tap drips water and the kitchen is far too cramped. So Sirius does the only thing that he can think of doing, he comes up behind Remus, holding onto him and shoving his face in his shirt. It’s better that Remus can’t see his face right now, how guilty he feels for doing this, for selfishly wanting Remus all to himself. 

Remus turns around and before he can get a proper look at him Sirius is leaning up to capture his lips in a kiss.

Sirius feels the moment that it clicks for Remus, that Sirius is searching for more than just a chaste kiss. Sirius slides his tongue into his mouth and Remus is grabbing a fistful of his hair, keeping him in place. Sirius comes up for air and Remus takes this chance to kiss up the side of his neck, trailing kisses down any inch of his skin, down his collarbone. Sirius turns his head so Remus can get a better angle and all he can see is that fucking phone number plastered on the fridge. He wonders if Remus can feel how wildly his pulse is pounding.

The mugs of tea now completely forgotten about.

Sirius reaches down to palm him through his jeans and loves it when Remus buries his face in his neck, biting his shoulder to stifle a moan that escapes his lips. Sirius strokes the hard line of his cock almost frantically as he stares at the shitty handwriting. He’s going to make Remus forget about this ginger fuck. 

Sirius reaches down between them to unzip his trousers and Remus pulls back to do the same. They’re both breathing hard and both pulling out their cocks and rubbing them together. 

“Remus.” He moans, almost like a mantra. 

“Sirius.” He grabs the back of his neck and pulls their mouths back together, sloppy and desperate. Open mouthed and far too much tongue and Sirius bites his lip before diving back in. 

Remus takes both their cocks in his hand and Sirius has to steady himself, reaching back to hold onto the counter. Remus spits down onto their tips, a long string of saliva, and uses his thumb to rub it over them, working them. Just slow lazy strokes and he can feel Remus' eyes on him, watching him. F uck it feels good to be watched like that. Remus thumbs at his slit and a whine escapes him. That seems to be the catalyst for him. Remus starts to pick up speed, tightening his grip on them and Sirius has a sudden urge to push Remus up against the fridge. That's exactly what he does, knocking the magnets off of it and he loves the shocked sound that Remus makes.

He never wants Remus to think of Fabian again. Every time he comes into the kitchen he wants him to think about fucking him here, up against the fridge.

There's almost no warning as Remus starts to come, just the sight and sound of him has Sirius coming too. Remus working them off together.

They catch their breaths together, breathing in each other's air and Sirius stares at Remus’ red kissed mouth.

Remus lets out a shaky laugh, "Fuck, where did that come from?" He's leaning back against the fridge, softening cock still hanging out of his trousers, hair messed up. He looks so lovely like this. He wants him all the time just like this.

 "Needed it, is all." I missed you is what he doesn't say.

Sirius sees the piece of paper on the floor and steps over it as he goes to pour the boiling water into their mugs.

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

When Sirius and Remus finally get to the park the others are already there, sitting on top of the quilt that Peter’s Nan made for him when he was a teenager. They’re under a tree, blissfully shaded from the sun and blissfully unaware that the whole reason that they’re late is because Sirius and Remus were fucking in the kitchen. 

Sirius wonders if this will be the time that James will notice that the two of them are different, that there’s something off about them. He almost wants him to notice, to be confronted with it because he can’t speak it out loud. How can James not see that everything is completely different? 

But Peter is the only one that looks up as they make their way across the lawn.

Remus holds up the shitty wine that they bought at a corner shop on the way over as a peace offering. Sirius’ upbringing comes out in certain ways, Black manners that he can’t seem to get rid of. “We can’t show up empty handed when we’re this late!”  

“Oh, look who decided to show!” James makes a big show of it. Remus takes his penance well, playing the part of a remorseful friend (one of them has to do it), but Sirius knows how much he was enjoying their time earlier. Unfortunately Sirius doesn’t feel that bad about it, he brought them wine, he thinks that’s punishment enough. 

Sirius settles in on the grass next to them which is more crunchy than usual because of the heatwave, the sun is setting in such a pleasant way, cooling everything off as the streetlights slowly come on. Sirius looks up at the sky, the way the clouds are barely moving—there’s barely a breeze to offer any relief.

“As I was just saying !” James says pointedly at the two of them, like they’ve truly just interrupted him and not just quietly sat down. “We should go out!” 

“We’re already out,” Sirius says, rolling over to look at James. He props his head up on one of his elbows to look at him. He wishes his head was laying in Remus’ lap. 

“No I mean like properly, to a club! I want to go dancing!” 

Sirius loves to go dancing, but he knows that Remus hates it. He bites his lip waiting for what Remus will say, if he doesn’t want to go then Sirius will stay home and wait for him to call. They’ve been spending almost all of their free time together. Sirius watches Remus’ eyes flutter under his long eyelashes, the way that the sun has brought out his freckles on his golden skin. Remus is the most beautiful boy he has ever seen and it’s like he can’t even tell him. But he wants to so badly.

“Sirius!” James yells which brings him back to reality. It takes every ounce of effort to pull his eyes away from Remus. “Did you hear what I said?”

“You mean, did I hear what you were whinging about?” 

“Dancing!” 

“Yes– okay, dancing.” Sirius' mind is still swimming. He always feels he’s half in another world, somewhere that the two of them can only see. 

“I have to work tomorrow,” Remus says from the spot next to him.

“Did you ever get that thing with your flat sorted out?” James asks.

“What thing?” Sirius sits up suddenly tuned into the conversation. 

“It’s nothing, really,” Remus says, deflecting. Always deflecting. 

“It’s not nothing,” James says looking confused. “It’s actually super serious.”

Sirius looks at Remus waiting, but he’s far too interested in the grass. “Well? Don’t keep us in suspense, what is it?”

“My building has a cockroach problem.”

There’s a beat. “Is this supposed to be surprising news to me?” Sirius says. He knows Remus’ building has had a cockroach problem. It’s an old building filled with cracking plaster and sketchy hallways and carpet that should have been torn up and burned ages ago.

“It’s getting fumigated.”

“So Moony’s basically homeless?” Peter chimes in.

Sirius gives him a severe glance and a dead arm just for good measure. “Ow, I was only joking,” Peter says, rubbing the sore spot on his arm. 

“Essentially I am though,” Remus says.

“No you’ll just stay at mine,” Sirius announces and it’s truly been decided. There’s no way that he would ever let his best friend be destitute and on the street. 

“Oh god, there's no need for all that!” Remus moans while shoving his hands in his face. “I knew you would just freak out. They’re putting us all up in a hotel.”

"It's on the other side of the city!" James says, acting like he's divulging top secret information. "I can't believe you didn't tell him, Remus!" James turns to Sirius, "Weren't you just over at his flat? You couldn't tell?"

"I mean-" He did notice something, the caution tape and everything, but Fabian's number sort of overshadowed it all for him. He's annoyed at himself for not paying better attention. Why does he never pay attention to the things that actually matter? "Okay just- think about your commute, Remus. I practically live right next to your work anyways. Just stay at mine, I have plenty of space.” 

“I couldn’t,” Remus says. He has the martyr act down so well and Sirius hates it. The way his shoulders slump and he can’t look at any of them. Is it really that hard to accept help from your friends?

“Stop being so bloody difficult? Why are we even having a conversation about this?” Sirius wants to involve the others in this, maybe use them to help his case but he knows that the fact that they’ve hashed this out in front of everyone is embarrassing enough for him. If you push Remus too far he starts to dig his heels in.  

“I think it would be a good idea to stay with Sirius,” James pipes in, always the mediator. “He even has a spare room you could use.”

And they’re having a stare down, right here, right now. Sirius is just stubborn enough that he won’t let this go. He knows a part of Remus hates being told what to do, he’s always needed to do things his own way. Take care of himself in his own way. But he also knows that Remus never knows how to ask for help even when he truly needs it. 

"It's just for three days." Remus says.

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

The transition of taking Remus' things over to his flat is a quick affair. The next day, after Remus gets off work he's going to grab his bag and then meet him at Sirius' flat. It's only going to be a weekend anyway.

The anticipation that Remus is going to spend the night at his place, for several nights has Sirius wound up already. He's already imagining all the sex they're going to have.  

The arrangement that they have works well for the both of them. They meet in secret, stealing moments that they both have free. Sirius is always free and he’s always waiting. Just thinking about the uninterrupted time that they’re about to have has Sirius practically shaking. 

Sirius has been waiting for Remus to get off work for what feels like hours now. He's been a version of half-hard since this afternoon and he can’t stand it anymore. 

He decides he’ll take matters into his own hands (literally) and it all starts innocently enough. He removes his shirt, trailing a hand over his chest and stomach. He slowly inches his hand down under his waistband, his hard cock tenting his boxers. He finally starts to touch himself, slowly stroking and closing his eyes imagining if Remus was here, what exactly he’d be doing. 

That’s when he hears the front door open.

“Sirius?” Remus calls out.

“I’m back here.” He doesn’t try to hide the quiver in his voice, the slight breathlessness accompanying his words. 

He considers putting his dick away, trying to be a gentleman and all that. But let's not beat around the bush, he’s horny and he wants to get off. 

Remus walks into the living room, arm filled with a box (no doubt books (it's just a weekend, Sirius tried to remind him)) and stops abruptly when he sees what Sirius is doing. 

Bless him. 

His cheekbones colour the most beautiful pink. Sirius can tell that Remus likes what he sees, the way his breathing has picked up slightly and that he can't stop staring at him. 

Sirius holds his cock at the base and it’s leaking all over his stomach. “I’ve been waiting for you.” 

Remus sets the box of books down, very gently and walks over to him laying on the sofa, unbuckling his belt on his way over until he’s standing over him. He pulls his cock out of his jeans and starts stroking himself right next to Sirius’ face. He must have been hard on his way over, both of them wanting this just as badly. The sight of Remus, in his work uniform, wanking over Sirius makes his head swim. Sirius moans, leaning over and licking the pre-come off the tip of Remus’ cock. Remus’ breathing picks up. 

Sirius opens his mouth wide and Remus comes into it and all over his face. Sirius’ orgasm hits him hard and he’s not sure of much that’s going on, just that Remus is now holding him by his hair and stroking the last little bit into his mouth. 

Remus leans down and kisses Sirius on the mouth.

"I need a shower." Remus says. Sirius, still in a daze, follows him.

 When Sirius undresses he folds his clothes nicely and leaves them on the top of the toilet

Remus starts to undress, tossing his clothes carelessly on the tile floor, there's a hairline crack right next to the drain. Sirius can imagine himself slipping down it.

This is the most skin of Remus that Sirius has yet to see, their hookups have just been wanking each other off or a blow job, something that doesn’t require the full removal of their clothes. Sirius stares at Remus’ back as he stands in the stream of the shower. He has so many freckles and moles, he traces them with the tips of his fingers like constellations. This one could be the big dipper, and so on. He can also see where his sun tan is, Remus always tans easily in the sun, turning a golden color. 

Remus turns around, water dripping down his body and his head is tossed back, wetting his hair under the shower head that he’s way too tall for, and Sirius can’t help the wave of desire. Remus is so easy to want, he’s so easy to feel safe with. Desire spreads through him again like wildfire. Sirius is starting to think that he’ll never stop wanting him like this, he reaches out and trails his hand down his stomach to Remus’ full bush. 

Remus opens his eyes to stare down at him, eyes already darkening and even though they just got off, he wants him again.

Sirius turns around, "Fuck my thighs."

He feels Remus’ hands grab his waist as he lines himself up, the water making the slide easy between them. He squeezes his thighs together a little and loves the punched out moan that escapes Remus. 

Sirius rests his face against the cold tile and all he can hear is the wet smacking sound. Sirius fists his own cock.

Later on, after they've gotten dressed they lounge on the sofa together (the same sofa they dry humped on!!) and Sirius prompts the question. They question that he's been trying to get the nerve to ask for so long now.

“Do you think you’d want to?” Sirius asks. “Fuck me? Like properly?” 

It catches Remus off guard, and that’s what he wanted a little bit. He wants to see the genuine reaction of him and bless him, he blushes. Pink high in his cheek bones, he’s so endearing like this. He wants him forever. 

“Like–” He pauses, looking for the right word. “Anal?”

“Yes, like anal.”

“Have you done it before?” Remus asks. 

“Once, I didn't really like it.” Sirius recalls the only time he's done it. It hurt, and he knows now that the person he was with didn’t prepare him well enough, but he has a feeling Remus will. He hopes he will.  “But I think I would want to try it with you. Only if you want to– you don’t have to of course.” 

“No– no, I mean yes! Yes, I’d like to try it with you.”

“It’s settled then.” Sirius settles back in on the couch, way too smug. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

Sirius jogs up the street to the temple, he can see the silhouette of James in the distance. When he finally reaches him he looks annoyed. 

“I know, I know,” Sirius apologizes, out of breath when he finally catches up. “I’m sorry! I’m late, I was busy.”

“It seems like you’re always late or busy these days. Busy doing what?” James inquires. Always so nosy. James looks at him, he can see the way that he’s cataloging everything. Taking his notes. When they were younger James was the first person that wanted to know absolutely everything about him and he would always give him everything willingly. He’d never had someone like that before. 

But this new thing with Remus feels delicate and now that it’s been going for so long he feels sort of ashamed for not telling James about it. He’s afraid he’s going to get his feelings hurt for keeping him in the dark so long about it. 

Fleamont emerges out of nowhere, “Later, boys, let’s go.” 

They kick their shoes off and follow their father inside.

Afterwards, James and Fleamont walk ahead of Sirius and Effy as they follows behind. Sirius carries the bag of prasada (the only time he gets adequate amounts of fruits in his diet) and munches on a banana as they walk along the street, he’s feeling much lighter than he did before. It’s crazy what seeing your family can do to a person, how much better it makes one feel. 

Sirius smiles to himself watching them, the way their mannerisms are so similar.

“How have you been, beta?” Effy asks him as she reaches over to smooth his hair down. She always looks at him like that, like she’s inspecting him. “You seem very happy.” 

“I am mum.” He can’t help but smile thinking about Remus waiting for him back at the flat. About how everything between them has been going.

“I heard Remus is going to be staying with you.” 

“Yes, he is.” 

“How is that?” She asks, she doesn’t look at him when she says it. That’s always how he can tell she’s up to something. “Have the two of you been getting along?” 

“Are you going to be giving me advice?” Sirius takes another bite of banana and asks her, “Is this what this is?” 

“No, darling.” She says lightheartedly. “I’d never dream of it. I know in the end you’ll do what is right for you.” 

“With Remus being my roommate?”

“Mhm, with him being your roommate.”  The way she says the word roommate, it lingers. 

They walk past the gardens and over the cracks in the pavement, the setting sun making everything feel closer, like all that he wants is truly within his reach. Effy grabs his arm and tucks herself up under his shoulder.

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

At the start, the sun shines on the floor, but it slowly creeps up to the bed. 

The bed where the duvet has been discarded from the mattress, just the sheets and the pillows remain where Sirius is splayed out. Sirius knows he’s been ruined forever. The way Remus sucks his cock while working him open, so slowly that his head is swimming. He never would have known that Remus’ is a deep throater, the way he keeps taking him, sucking him all the way down like it’s easy. It makes Sirius’ eyes roll back. 

The sun casts Remus in a golden light, reflecting off his body, and as Sirius looks down at him, Remus looks up through his eyelashes while kissing the juncture of his hip, fingers sliding in and out. Wet slick noises. He’s so lovely. Remus fucking smiles, all canines and ruffled hair and long eyelashes and swallows him down again. 

Sirius comes down his throat with a choked off moan. 

Remus crawls up his body, kissing his stomach and up his chest before nuzzling into his neck. Sirius still feels like he barely has a grip on reality at the moment, he’s light-headed and tingling and he can feel Remus’ hard cock pressed into him, desperately leaking. 

“I’m ready,” Sirius says up to the ceiling, still catching his breath. Remus laughs into the crook of his neck. 

“Really?” Remus pulls back to look at him, he’s got a ridiculous smile plastered on his face that Sirius wishes he could save forever. 

Remus pushes into him, and the sigh of relief he makes– that fucking sound could power whole cities– Sirius knows he’ll be thinking about it for the rest of his life. He knows that in quiet moments that sound will come back to haunt him, the gut punch noise that he’s making. Moans he’s never heard Remus make before. 

“Fuck Sirius, ” Remus moans, he’s fully inside him now and he looks down to where they’re connected, mouth hung open like he can’t believe it. Flush up against each other with no more space to go. “Are you okay?” Beads of sweat are forming above Remus’ lip and Sirius wants to lick them off. 

Sirius takes inventory of his body—that is a good question, is he okay? He aches with the stretch of him, his cock is bigger than he was expecting. But physically he’s fine, his cock twitches in interest again, already half hard, but mentally he’s a scavenged carcass, entrails  picked out and bones sun bleached. He nods his head. He leans up to try and kiss him, “I’m okay,” he whispers against Remus’ lips. “You can move.”

Remus does move, slowly at first, shallow thrusts before almost fully pulling out then re-entering. He’s so much more vocal like this and Sirius can only watch before capturing his mouth in a kiss. Sloppy with too much tongue. He reaches his hand down to grab Remus' ass, pulling his legs up farther so Remus can go deeper. The intensity of it barrels into him and he’s leaking all over his stomach. Remus sets into a rhythm and he trails kisses up Sirius’ neck. Sirius clings onto him, encouraging him to go faster. 

He’s panting. He feels feral and animalistic. He feels like he’s floating outside his body but also that he’s experiencing everything tenfold.  

Remus slows his thrusts until he stops altogether, hovering above him catching his breath. He’s laying more of his weight on him and they’re both teetering on the precipice, close to finishing and all of this being over. Sirius doesn’t want this to be over.

“You can come inside me,” Sirius tells Remus; he can see and feel the effect that those words have on him. “If you want to,” he adds. 

“I want to,” Remus admits shyly, and it’s like he’s letting Sirius in on a secret. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” 

Remus peppers up and down his face with kisses. He knows he’s stopped so he doesn’t come, but Sirius can’t help rolling his hips, trying to fuck himself on him. 

Sirius tries to meet his hips with every movement and they set into a good rhythm. Remus is fucking into him, hard and fast and Sirius feels completely untethered. He clings to Remus grasping at his hair and gasping, each thrust knocking the air out of him. It’s better than he ever thought was imaginable. His quiet, reserved Remus fucking him. He hears him moaning and murmuring low in his ear and it’s nonsense, the exertion so obvious in his voice that it’s driving him crazy. He doesn’t want this to be over just yet, his cock fully erect between them and begging to be touched, but he knows that if he does this will all be over. 

Their kisses are sloppy and slow. He forgot that just kissing can feel this good, and he clenches down around Remus who instinctively grabs onto Sirius, fingers digging into his hips. Sirius hopes that he leaves bruises, he wants him to mark him. He wants to walk away with evidence of this. 

His orgasm has been slowly building.

Afterwards, Remus lays his whole body weight on Sirius, tucking his face into his neck. The room is filled with their heavy breathing and Sirius rubs his hand up and down Remus’ arm. He feels so sleepy and bone deep tired. Embarrassingly he feels hot tears prickling at his eyes and he rubs them quickly, hoping that Remus didn’t see. It’s just that this whole thing was so, so lovely. 

“Was that okay?” Remus mumbles out. “I didn’t hurt you did I?” 

“No,” Sirius says softly.  

The breeze from the open window cools the sweat on their skin and Sirius shivers from it and maybe from something more. Finally Remus rolls off him and Sirius hates the absence of it; the weight of him on him felt like a comfort. Thankfully Remus doesn’t go too far, reaching over to the bedside table and lighting a cigarette. He takes a few drags before offering it to Sirius who takes it eagerly, hoping that it will calm his nerves. 

He looks at their clothes piled together on the floor and he wishes that they could stay here in his room, just like this, forever. 

Remus’ choppy hair is ruffled and messed up, and it gives him a boyish quality that Sirius finds endlessly endearing. He can’t stop looking at him and feeling like his chest might explode, that this one moment could be stretched forever and it still wouldn’t be long enough. 

He feels like tucking Remus away, hoarding him for himself. No one else gets it like he does. Remus scratches at the back of his head and does a little stretch, Sirius tracks all his muscles, all the places he’s never seen before but now he gets to look. He wants to reach over and touch the hair at the nape of his neck, so that’s exactly what he does. He half expects Remus to flinch away, but instead he leans into it and he lights another cigarette with the tip of the old one. Passing it over to him.

He’s never felt so deeply used before, but also completely worshiped. He’s never been fucked like this. 

He knows what they’re doing is probably bad for him in the long run, but he really doesn’t care.

iv. EXIT WOUND

They linger in the doorway of Sirius’ flat for far too long, their goodbye far too drawn out. They’re extra giggly and Sirius can’t seem to keep his hands off Remus even though they’re going to see each other tonight.

It’s pub Friday and James has reminded them no less than 3 times that they need to be there.

“I’ll see you tonight, yeah?” Remus says against Sirius’ lips. 

Sirius smirks up at him. “Oh I guess.” He puts his hand on his chest to push him away, “Alright, get out of here, you, before I call the police.” 

Remus catches his hand and interlocks their fingers as he tries to walk off, and Sirius holds onto them. He holds them till Remus does a gentle tug that has Sirius yanking him back for one last kiss. Sirius has butterflies and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. 

A kiss they’re both smiling into like idiots. 

“Okay, really, I have to go now, bye.” 

“Bye.” 

When Sirius shuts the door, he leans against it, thumping his head. He’s so stupid, he keeps repeating to himself, but he can’t seem to stop smiling. He’s just had the most wonderful afternoon. He’s just had the best sex of his life and he’s just realized that he might be just a little bit in love. 

Sirius can still feel the ache of where Remus was inside him earlier as he walks to the pub. He keeps replaying the images in his mind: the moment of Remus coming on repeat, the way he looked, the way he could feel it leaking out of him after. 

When he gets to the pub James, Lily, and Peter are already there and they’ve ordered their usuals for the whole table. No Remus yet, he notices as he slides into their usual booth, and he doesn’t realize at first that they’re all staring at him. 

“What?”

“You’re obviously in a good mood,” Lily teases. 

“No more than usual, I reckon.”

“You’ve definitely gotten laid.”

“What?” He says a little too defensively, and tries to play it off by taking a sip of his beer. “No, I just really love pub trivia.” 

“Hm okay. And the hickeys?” 

He reflexively puts his hand on his neck, a mistake he only realizes after the fact. Earlier he didn’t care if Remus left a mark; he wanted him to because he loves looking at the reminders later. Sometimes it’s easy for him to forget what they’ve done, but with the physical reminders there he knows this is something that happened, that he didn’t make it up. 

Speaking of: Sirius spots Remus walking in, towering over everyone else, shite hair on full display. Remus smiles when he sees him, dopey and crooked and so lovely it hurts. Sirius smiles into his pint, trying to hide it and not make it so obvious. 

“Remus! You’re here!” James exclaims. He checks his watch, “Only– fifteen minutes late this time I see.”

“Lucky I showed up at all!” Remus grabs a glass. 

“Look at you,” Lily says, “We’re two for two with the good moods. Did you get laid too?”

“What?” Remus actually looks a bit panicked when he says this. 

“Aha! I knew it!” Lily yells.  It’s all good-natured. Sirius knew that his friends might start asking about him, but what he doesn’t expect is what she says next. 

“Finally gave Fabian a call I see?”

Remus coughs, mid sip of his beer. That’s all it takes for the whole group to latch on. 

“Fabian?” James sing-songs. “Who’s Fabian and why haven’t I heard of him?” 

“He’s no one,” Remus says, wiping his mouth with a pub napkin. He wipes up the spilled beer on the table too. Sirius can tell he’s deflecting, the whole table can.

“He’s not no one,” Lily says. “Fabian’s his co-worker. He gave him his number.”

“I haven’t called him though.” Remus adds quickly. 

“He that red head?” Peter asks and Lily nods. “Remus does have a thing for gingers,” Peter teases.

“Oi!” James says and puts an arm around Lily pulling her in defensively and kissing the top of her head.

It’s all light-hearted and good fun, he knows that but still. Sirius feels sick and suddenly too hot all over. He’s sweaty and his hair is sticking to the back of his neck.The pub suddenly smells like stale old beer and the lights are far too harsh. He feels like he’s tuning in and out of the conversation. He knows he’s not behaving normally and maybe would be able to hide it better if Remus hadn’t fucked him slow and dirty that afternoon. 

The image that he can’t stop seeing. Remus fucking him - now Remus fucking this faceless Fabian. He swallows hard. 

God, he’s in love with Remus. He fucking loves him. 

He kills the things he loves, with too much Sirius. He over-waters everything leaving it with root rot. 

The conversation has moved on—he can hear, at least he knows his ears are still working. It’s the rest of him that he’s not sure of, like his chair has been completely kicked out from under him. 

This whole summer, Remus has been all that Sirius could think about. Their friends don’t know that, though, and they surely wouldn’t be teasing if they did. It’s a reminder that Remus isn’t really his to hoard. And he’s known about Fabian and the number but he’s never asked to see if Remus has called him or not. 

Sirius stands suddenly, shaking the table a bit. Peter is looking at him weirdly, grabbing at his pint before it falls over. 

“Alright mate?” James asks. 

“Toilet,” is all Sirius says. 

“Oi! It’s going to start soon!” He hears James yell after him. He makes his way through the pub, but instead of turning down the hallway he goes out the side door into the alleyway.

The summer heat is muggy and stifling even in the nighttime. There's old cigarette smoke lingering in the air and the bins smell like rotting rubbish. He came out here for fresh air but it’s not fresh at all. 

He lights a cigarette with shaky hands to calm himself, taking a deep inhale and closing his eyes. 

“This isn’t the toilet.” Remus’ voice comes from the exit door. Sirius opens his eyes to look at him, the overhead light illuminating him.

He’s an angel and he’s the end of the world. 

He hadn’t realized he was falling in love with him. This crush is morphing into an obsession. He thought loving Remus would be gentle, but it’s distressing. He feels on edge all the time. 

“Have any other people given you their numbers?” Sirius is not wanting to waste anymore of their time. 

“I work at a bar, Sirius,” Remus says. “Drunk people give me their numbers all the time, but they’re not serious.”

Sirius nods and taps the ash off the end of the cigarette. He takes a long drag and has to tap it again when he’s done. 

“Is that a problem?” Remus asks. 

He wants to say yes. Yes, he most definitely has a problem with it. Instead, he settles with: “Have you gone out with any of them?” 

“What?” Remus laughs, “When would I have the time? I’ve been with you all summer.”

“Well not all the time, apparently, since you get so many numbers.” He can’t help the edge to his voice, he takes another drag. “I’m just saying that you should let me know, because I’ve been given numbers too. I could have had a well off summer too.” 

Remus scoffs and scratches at the stubble on his chin before pocketing his hands. “You’re such a hypocrite you know?” He says this far too calmly for Sirius’ liking.

“What?” Sirius replies in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

“Everywhere we go, you get hit on. Men and women. I never say anything.”

“That’s different,” Sirius says.

“Really? How exactly?”

“Because–” Sirius stutters out, “Because– they only really want to fuck me.” He states simply. “And with you it’s not really like that.” 

“Enlighten me then.” Remus crosses his arms and Sirius already knows he’s done something wrong, but he doesn’t know exactly what. 

“When people give you their number it’s not just about the sex, it’s– it’s because they want to date you. Get to know you.” He hates the way he can hear his accent bleeding through. Too many vowels.

“So, I should just take it where I can get it right? I should just be so grateful that you even looked my way?”

“What?” Sirius laughs incredulously. “Are you being serious right now? Oh he’s being serious.” He wants to scream at Remus that they’re having this conversation and he can still feel him inside of him. It’s driving him insane actually, he’s barely holding on. 

He flicks his cigarette onto the pavement, orange sparks bouncing. Sirius closes the space between them, grabbing Remus by the back of the neck and capturing his lips, crushing him. At first Remus whips his hands out of his pockets to shove him away, but then he’s grabbing at Sirius’ shirt and he’s met with the same fire. It’s like they're in a dangerous dance in between pushing each other and swallowing each other whole. Sirius has a fistful of his shirt and he feels close to ripping it off. 

Sirius needs him to know this, he needs him to feel this, why can’t he feel this? If they don’t have anything he needs him to feel this in this dingy alleyway. 

They don’t even bother going back inside to let the others know where they’ve gone. This needs to be settled now, in the only way Sirius knows how. 

By the time they make it through Sirius’ front door they’re already fucking. Sirius is still prepared from earlier and even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t care. His jeans are pulled down to his knees, he could barely get them down over his ass before Remus is fucking into him from the back. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

The friend group finally agrees to all go out dancing, they meet up at James and Lily’s flat before all going out, taking shots and getting buzzed to save on having to buy too many drinks at the club. Remus doesn’t have the proper clubbing attire, he’s in a baggy shirt that sometimes rides up, exposing his midriff when he leans back against the counter to talk to Lily. 

It takes a while for them all to get out the door but pretty soon they’re standing in line to enter the club when Sirius sees a way too familiar build and matching red hair standing at the entrance of the club, slowly checking the IDs of everyone entering. He hates that he’s honestly able to pick Fabian out of the crowd so easily. Sirius is shocked that the bouncer at the club is actually the same man that works at Remus’ bar and the very same one that’s number is stuck to Remus’ fridge. 

“Does this guy work everywhere?” Sirius says sarcastically. 

“Who?” Remus asks, scanning the line. 

Sirius really doesn’t want to say his name (please god don’t make him say it) so he just does a vague head nod in the general direction, and he sees the moment on his face when Remus sees who it is that he’s talking about. 

“Oh–” Remus says, finally understanding. “That's not Fabian. It’s his brother, he’s has a twin”

“Of he’s a twin– wow. Of course he fucking is,” Sirius says under his breath. Fabian, the hottest guy at Remus’ work, is also somehow the most interesting? A twin? Who would’ve fucking guessed. 

Thankfully they only have a quick interaction with his twin at the door, moving along and inside with the flow of the crowd. The game plan from there is to get drinks and dance. 

Sirius knows he must be a bad friend because he’s already thinking about how him and Remus can slip away, maybe fuck in the bathroom or something. 

It’s really loud and the lights are flashing. Sirius is feeling the music. 

The club is packed with people, so thick that Sirius is pushing between them shouldering and shoving away sweaty bodies. He dipped away for just a second (he swears just a second!) and now he can’t find any of his friends. The bar comes into view like a beacon, like he’s stuck in the sea of people and he’s finally spotted land after months away. He stops short when he sees Remus’ tall spindly body and there’s a man next to him. A man with orange hair and it’s almost like a nightmare the way he thinks he sees this man everywhere, but no, it’s true this time. No twin, but the real Fabian in the flesh.

It’s as he gets closer that he can see all the details coming into view, the way Fabian is leaning over talking to Remus—actually Fabian and not Fabian’s convenient twin brother. And if it wasn’t for Remus, this one hiccup in his life, he might actually find Fabian attractive. He is attractive, the splatter of freckles, orange just like his hair, covering all the skin that is exposed.

James comes up next to him, following his line of sight over to the bar. “Oh he came!” He exclaims.

“What?” Sirius yells over the thumping music. Remus probably hates it here. This isn’t his scene at all.

“Fabian! I invited him!” James smiles. 

“You what?” 

James is sweaty all over, his curls sticking to his forehead, the lights reflecting off his glasses. “I called him off that number on Remus’ fridge and told him he'd be here. You know Remus, he would never make a move.”

Sirius doesn’t know what to say to that. He can’t tell James how much of an idiot that he’s been, how much of his plans have been ruined. Sirius wanted to make out with Remus on the dancefloor, he wanted to give him a blowjob in the dingy toilet. All things that he probably wouldn’t have been able to do anyway, with all their friends around, but now he for sure won’t get the opportunity with the shadow that is Fabian following them around.

It’s hot in the club. His shirt is plastered to his body and his hair is sticking to his neck.

“You’re not pleased?” James says with a frown, and of course he isn’t but there’s no way for James to know why, he’s never said anything. It seems like these days Sirius is stuck in a constant state of stopping himself: stopping himself from saying that, stopping himself from doing that. Remus Lupin has shown him how to restrain himself and he can’t even tell anyone about it.

“I just thought this was friends only!” Sirius yells back.

“I figured Remus might try to leave early unless he had a reason to stay.” 

And he can see the logic. Of course Remus would try to leave early, he always does. But Sirius was going to be the reason for him to stay this time. Fabian’s taken Sirius’ job. 

Unaware, James continues: “So now you and Peter can go pull and Remus and Fabian might go home together, everyone is happy.” James is right proud of himself about that one.

“Right, everyone’s happy.” Sirius grabs the drink from James’ hand and downs it in one go. James wears a dumbfounded look when Sirius returns the empty glass.

“I think I’m going to go dance.”

The flashing lights reflect off the back of his eyelids, lightning and thunder in the storm that is this evening. He can feel the beat like a pulse, quickening and coursing through his body. 

Sirius puts all of his frustrations into dancing. And he knows how he looks, he can feel the way that people make space for him and he can also feel the trading of bodies behind him, one hand sliding onto his hip, up his chest, just for someone to nudge that person away and be replaced with another.

He looks around and thinks he sees James dancing on a table. 

Sirius closes his eyes and lets his head lean back onto the shoulder of the stranger behind him and he tells himself he doesn’t care but imagines that it’s Remus. The person isn’t tall enough to even be a remotely realistic stand-in, but he’s drunk and pretends anyway.

Sirius finally makes his way out the side door for a smoke. He doesn’t think any of his dance partners follow him out but he can’t tell. The summer air in the alleyway is considerably less hot than inside the club but it’s also not much of a relief. Just the promise of a breeze every so often.

Sirius realizes that he didn’t even bring his cigarettes with him; he always had the intention of bumming one off Remus. All of his plans this evening have gone astray.

“Need a smoke?” Remus’ voice comes from behind him. Sirius whirls around to see him leaned against the wall, just barely the shadow of him, the orange tip of the cigarette burning and illuminating his face when he takes a drag. 

Sirius walks over  and Remus hands him the one he’s already smoking. It’s just been lit, he realizes. Remus must have just come out of here too.

“Having fun, are you?” Remus asks. Sirius wonders if he imagines the edge to his voice, the edge that has no business being there.

“Loads actually,” Sirius swipes his hair over one shoulder. “You seem to be having fun with Fabian, it’s lucky that he showed up or I don’t know what you would do.”

“Are you–” Remus stops himself, changes course. He settles on: “I didn’t invite him.” 

“I know.” Sirius taps the ash off the end of his cigarette. Oh, he knows too well. And maybe Remus should have invited him instead of wasting his time with Sirius when they both know that they will never work out. They just truly aren't compatible. That’s what he was thinking about on the dance floor—Sirius sticking to Remus like a bad rash and fucking up his chances of finding something real, (which could be Fabian, who is he to really know?) it’s just so selfish of him.

Just one more time, after tonight he wants him one more time and then Fabian can have him.

Remus studies him and they always find themselves back in an alleyway, don’t they? This should be reason enough to know that they won’t work out, always meeting in the cover of darkness because they both know that it’s wrong.

Sirius doesn't want to be the one to say, please don’t go home with him.

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

It’s hard to say what exactly happened the night before, it came back to Sirius in pieces but he woke up on James’ bathroom floor and he supposes that it might be a blessing he doesn’t remember. 

Sirius spent the day nursing himself back to health but there’s an edge to it 

Remus was supposed to be at Sirius’ two hours ago. He can hardly focus on the conversation that James and Peter are having, that is until one of them mentions that ginger fuck again. 

“What?” Sirius says.

James and Peter exchange a look. 

“What was that you’ve just said?” Sirius repeats. He’s already had a few glasses of wine. He knows his filter has completely left him, but he must get to the bottom of this.

“It’s just that Remus mentioned something about Fabian asking him out again.” 

“Did he now?”

“Yeah, when we were at the club the other night. I told him he should go for it,” James says. “I think it’ll be good for him, he needs to date.” 

Peter is watching him way too closely, and it feels like he’s naked, like every bit of his clothing has been shrewd across the room. Like he has I’m in love with Remus on his forehead. 

“And where is our dear Remus right now?” Sirius says. This makes James giggle. He’s a giggly drunk. 

“I think he’s probably stuck at work,” James says. “With Fabian!” He sings.

Sirius hums in agreement and tries his best to put on a smile, but it feels more like he’s grimacing. He feels like he’s truly getting unhinged. He isn’t normal. There is something seriously wrong with him because he knows, he knows! That Fabian has does nothing but he still wants to kill this ginger fuck. 

“I say we give our Moony a visit” Sirius downs the rest of his drink, it dribbles down his chin a bit but he wipes it off with the back of his hand. 

“Mate that’s not–” Peter starts.

“Where? At work?” James asks from the floor, when he lifts his head up his glasses are wonky. 

“Yes at work Prongs. Come on, get your jacket.” 

James does try to warn him and so does Peter, but it’s not fair Sirius thinks. They’ve all got to see Remus at work—and also by extension Fabian. And right now Remus won't talk to him, so he’s going straight to the source. 

He walks into the little restaurant and he sees Remus behind the counter. He’s laughing at something, all freckles and smiles, and it makes jealousy burn in the pit of Sirius’ stomach. There are so many moments of Remus that don’t belong to him—Remus himself doesn’t belong to him. And Sirius is about to do what he does best and that is fucking everything up. This will  go down in history as moments before disaster. He watches the smile fade from Remus’ face and it angers him even more that he’s not happy to see him, that he’ll never be happy to see him.

Sirius takes an empty seat at the bar and folds his arms on the counter. This place is fancy, the type of place that his father might’ve met up with his mistress when he was cheating on his mother for all those years. 

But Sirius can afford it here, so why not have a drink? 

“What are you doing here?” Remus says as he walks up. 

“Is that how you usually talk to customers?” 

“You’re not a customer actually, so get out.” 

Any plan that he had of leaving goes completely out the door, he’s going to stay and order something on principle now. 

Sirius knew that this thing between them could never truly last. He wasn’t expecting Remus to realize that he’s madly in love with him at the end of this. He knows he’s been acting crazy about the whole situation but this is the one thing that he kept himself grounded on. 

He knew that he couldn’t keep the facade up for long, that the cracks would start to show and Remus would finally see him for who he truly is; the raw and unfiltered version of himself that he tries to not let out. But he’s really not a good person. His mother saw it, and his mother was many horrible things, but he never knew her to be a liar. 

“Is he bothering you?” Fabian asks Remus.

“Excuse me? Who are you again? We weren’t even talking to you.” Sirius 

“Sirius calm down,” James coaxes from the spot next to him. And he should listen to James, his voice of reason. He should listen to him, if he could hear him but all he notices is a static noise slowly rising in his ear. 

“Do you want me to kick him out, Rem?” Fabian asks, looking only at Remus and Sirius feels like throwing the chair that he’s sitting on. Who the fuck is Rem? 

“Fuck you!” Sirius yells at him.

“Sirius, stop,” Remus says from behind the counter, he steps out to try and pacify him but that just serves to irritate Sirius more. 

“Alright you’re done,” Fabian says and picks him up around the waist, which infuriates Sirius even more. He tries to throw some punches, swinging his elbow to try and get him in the jaw, but it’s like hitting a brick wall and none of them are landing. 

The worst part is that Sirius isn’t even drunk. At least he would have that excuse. But he’s stone cold sober, which makes him more unhinged. He lands on the pavement with absolute zero grace, James and Peter are already there to grab him, because once he’s been let go of he’s already trying to run back in for another round. 

“Leave it.” James says lowly in his ear, Sirius just shrugs him off. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Me? What’s wrong with me?” Sirius whips around to shout at him, he never shouts at James. “Did you not see that prick?” 

“I saw you,” James points at him. “Losing your self control and getting kicked out, over what? I still don’t understand. Do you, Peter?”

Peter is quietly looking between them, but he shrugs his shoulders, shoving his hands deeper in his pockets. 

“Well you wouldn’t get it anyways.” Sirius says. It feels as if there’s bugs crawling under his skin, he just needed to talk to Remus and it’s all been ruined. 

“Try me.” James adjusts his glasses farther up his nose and he looks so much like Fleamont when he does that. 

“You really want to know?” Sirius says. James continues to stare him down, and nods for him to go along. 

Sirius opens his mouth, grand declaration right at the end of his tongue, then the front door chimes open. Sirius turns to see Remus standing right next to him. “Can I talk to you?” Remus says, “Only you.”  

Sirius follows him to the side alleyway, the same one that they meet in all summer and it’s started spitting. The hot pavement is steaming with the water and it smells like wet cement. 

“You know you got me written up?” Remus whirls around and yells at him. “This has been a fucking good job so far and you’ve fucked this up for me.” 

The color drains from Sirius’ face, this was never his intention, to get Remus in trouble at his work. “Remus– look I’m sorry– I didn’t mean– let me talk to your manager”

“No you’ve done enough as it is.” Remus cuts him off, there’s a finality to it. “Please don’t come into my work again.” Remus is properly pissed. Red faced and the vein in his forehead is bulging a little. Sirius is slightly scared of him. But this is what he does right? He pushes people he loves to the brink, he has to feel out just how far he can bend them before they break. It’s a bad habit of his. 

“This is actually my livelihood,” Remus says. “I need this job, I barely make rent as it is, so please just– stay away.” 

Sirius feels as if his life is just spent waiting for Remus. Everything he does lately involves waiting for him, to finish work, to call him back. 

“I’m sorry.” Sirius finally says. Because he can’t remember, has he said it already? Or did he just do it in his head. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Remus says far too gently. “You said– you said it would be fine if I went out with him.”

It’s almost as if the wind has been knocked out of him and it all makes sense now. “You went home with him after the club.”

“I thought that’s why you were here?” 

Little dew droplets are sticking to Remus’ hair and for possibly the first time in his life Sirius doesn’t know what to say. 

Sirius should open his mouth, only to unhinged his jaw and shove his fist so far down his throat. And so he does open his mouth, but not for the intended purpose of yanking his tongue out.

“You know I don’t actually care what it is that you do, right?” Sirius can hear the mirth in his own voice and he doesn’t really care at the moment. It’s times like these when he knows he’s not a good person. When he knows that he’s never really deserved Remus anyway. Because all he can think about right now is that he hopes what he says hurts Remus as much as he’s hurt him. 

Sirius reels in his expressions and feelings, putting on the perfect mask that he wears for everyone, Everyone except for Remus, until now. “Why would I care how you spend your time and who you spend it with?”

“What do you want from me, Sirius?” Remus sounds so defeated. Sirius did this, he sees what his love does the way it infects like a sickness. He can never be nurturing, he waters his garden with poison. “What do you want?” 

He wishes he says, “I want you.” Fuck he really wishes that he had the nerve to say that, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything at all. Not a thing.  

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.” Remus says, mostly to the ground. He can’t even look at Sirius now and that annoys him the worst. He can’t stand not being seen and Remus is someone who has always seen through him. 

“Do what?” Sirius rubs at the stubble on his chin, he feels deranged. An animal lashing out. 

“You know what.” 

Sirius scoffs. “Don’t go shy on me now, Lupin. If you’re going to do this, do it properly.” 

“I just think this is going to ruin our friendship, I think it’s already starting to.” 

“Right.” He thinks over those words, his mouth is filled with saliva and he thinks he might throw up so instead he spits on the ground.

He’s not above begging, not when it comes to Remus. But he saves them both the embarrassment. “Anything else then?” 

“I’ll come get my stuff from your flat after I get off.” 

“Right. See you around then.” 

Sirius walks home in the dark, and it’s properly pouring now. Cars drive past splashing water on him, but he doesn’t care. The headlights reflect off the puddles, momentarily blinding him and he contemplates walking into traffic. What’s the worst that could happen right? Getting hit by a car couldn’t possibly feel any worse than this, might put him out of his misery. 

The rain is hot and steams the sidewalk, it smells like concrete and it feels like his life is over. Whatever him and Remus had is over– he’s really fucked up this time. 

v. intermission

Summer turns into autumn overnight. The heat subsides with little more than a fizzle, and a bone chilling cold replacing it. 

Several times James and Peter try to bring up what happened between Remus and Sirius. James seems to have no idea what went on, but he knows Peter has his suspicions– always so observant. From Sirius’ end he knows that Remus never offered up any explanation, so he followed his lead and also kept his mouth shut. It’s almost more embarrassing that the small relationship that they had meant more to him than to Remus.

So he pretends that it didn’t happen. He goes about his life the exact same way that he used to except now he doesn’t meet Remus for lunch. When he goes to pub trivia, he and Remus don’t go out smoking together or even glance at each other from across the table. It’s always an awkward affair. 

September turns to October which turns into November. 

His birthday passes and Remus comes as a mere formality, sitting in the corner chatting with Lily the whole time. 

Sirius knows he gets extremely drunk.From the pieces of the night that have come back to him, he knows that he tried to talk to Remus when he bumped into him on the way to the toilet. 

Sirius had wanted to flirt with every guy there right in front of Remus, to show him that he could, but he didn’t. He didn’t have the energy so he sulked. And then after everyone left he cried on the floor in his kitchen. It’s almost worse being in his flat now, all the memories that they had for the short while that he stayed with him. 

His birthday was two weeks ago. Diwali is this week.

He’s been mentally preparing himself for seeing Remus. 

He stays over at the Potter’s, giving his old bedroom a revival. Effy and Fleamont never touched it once he left, swearing that it was his room and it always would be.

vi. howl

Now it doesn’t bother him the same way that it used to when Effy brushes his hair, starting from root to tip. She puts a dollop of coconut oil in the palm of her hand, rubbing it together to warm it up before she applies it to his scalp. He closes his eyes and focuses on the feeling of her massaging her fingertips, working the oil into his hair. She pushes his head forward and he goes without resistance. She applies a harder pressure at the base of his neck and her bangles dangle next to his ear. It has a calming effect on him and it sounds just like home. 

These hair oiling sessions with Effy started right after Sirius moved in with the Potter’s when he was a teenager and he told them that he didn’t want to cut his hair short anymore. 

He remembers feeling scared to tell them that he was thinking about growing it out. He never could have told his own mother that. 

Instead, Effy insisted that she start oiling his hair so that it could grow faster and stronger. So that became their routine once or twice a week.

Sirius was very emotional the first time it happened, which was something that completely blindsided him. James and Fleamont were watching the television, sipping the chai that Effy made earlier. Sirius was sitting on the floor while she sat on the couch pouring coconut oil into his hair. He didn't realize that putting the oil in his hair would mean she would be running her fingers through it, massaging his scalp. 

At first his whole body was tense. He’d never been touched like this before, with so much love. He’d never felt so safe and like someone actually cared about him. The physical form of love, like here's how much I love you, I’ll put oil in your hair to make it stronger. 

Now it’s the same thing they’ve always done. He didn’t even have to ask, of course she was going to do it before Diwali. 

“How are you and Remus?” She asks conversationally. 

“What do you mean?” Sirius tries not to be defensive but it slips out—old habits die hard. She always knows more than she lets on.

“James mentioned that the two of you were quarreling?” 

“We’re always fighting.” Sirius laughs it off. He’s starting to feel uncomfortable and he doesn't know why. Maybe it’s because he’s scared of what she’ll say next. 

“James just said this time felt different.” 

She stops massaging his scalp and the absence of her hands on him, grounding him, makes him pull his knees up to his chest and cover his face with his hands. It feels like such an immature thing to do, like he’s 10 years old and upset that no one is paying attention to him. He isn’t expecting to start crying, but the prickling heat behind his eyes comes out of nowhere. 

Not nowhere, really; he’s felt it on the outskirts of everything he’s done since his argument with Remus.

“Sirius,” Effy says, startled. “Beta, what’s wrong?” She slides off the sofa to sit next to him, prying his hands from his face. He doesn’t want to look at her, but gently she makes him, her face concerned and open.

“I’ve really fucked up, Mum,” Sirius cries. “I don’t know how to fix this.” 

He’s surprised at the way the sobs rock through him. Once he’s started he can’t seem to stop. Sirius tells her everything, everything, even things he hasn’t told James. He hasn’t told anyone about them at all and it feels good to finally get this off his chest. 

Effy wraps her arms around him and just listens.

“I think you should tell him how you feel,” she says finally. “You really love him.”

He’s stopped sobbing for the most part, now just sniffling. His eyes are raw. His tears are still drying on his cheeks and his nose won’t stop running. He pulls the sleeves of his jumper down to cover his hands and wipes at it. 

“I do love him,” His voice catches on the word love. Of course he loves him, it’s impossible not to. It’s like a fundamental truth about the world. Sirius loves Remus. He always has and always will. They’re like a circle, where one ends the other begins. “It’s just I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“It sounds like you already have love,” She says gently. And Sirius knew this too, he knew from the first night at his flat that he could never go back to what was before. 

“How did you know?” Sirius asks, still wiping at his face. 

“I’ve been oiling your hair for months sweetheart. You think I can’t see?” Sirius thinks about how his neck used to look like a bruised peach, how he always wanted Remus to mark him. He just didn’t think there was anyone else who would notice. 

“I think you should talk to him tomorrow,” She suggests. He knows he should talk to Remus, but the thought is so daunting. It’s the most terrifying thing he can think of doing. 

Nonetheless, that night Sirius goes to bed feeling a little lighter. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

That morning Sirius wakes up to the Potter’s modest house filled up with family, small cousins running around and aunts making chai in the kitchen and so much laughter. 

Everyone spends the morning finishing up decorating the house. Garland is wrapped in a spiral down the staircase bannister, streamers are taped to the ceilings and flower petals are thrown across the floor by the front door, pink and yellow and white. 

As the most artistic of the lot of them, Sirius is in charge of making the rangoli outside by the front door. 

One of James’ aunts brought the coloured sand from India just for Sirius, which he found beyond thoughtful, (she gave it to him while pinching his cheek and Sirius felt a fondness that almost made him cry) so now he takes a handful of it, gently letting it fall out of his hand in his desired pattern. It’s freezing outside and his fingers are going numb, but he can’t wear gloves or it won’t turn out right. He makes a diya right in front of the door, yellow and orange flame. He makes a lotus flower on either side and footprints leading into the house. His hands are stained red. 

He’s bent over adding the final touches to the diya design when he hears someone coming up the path. He thinks he knows who it is, that wonky gait. 

“That looks good,” Remus says from behind him. 

These are the first words that Remus has spoken to him in months and it gives him goosebumps for Remus to only be talking to him. After all this time, Remus’ voice still has a way of making him react like this. 

Sirius clears his throat, hoping that his voice won't give anything away. “Thanks.”

He stands and turns to look at him. This is the first time they’ve been alone in weeks. Remus is wearing the kurta that Effy bought him, as well as a puffy jacket and a hat pulled down over his ears. Sirius feels like he should say something, maybe clear the air a little. But the words fail him. 

Remus looks like he always does, beautiful. His shitty haircut has finally grown out to a decent looking shag. Sirius sort of misses the choppiness of it, the unevenness. He must have been to the barbers since then to even it out and it irks Sirius a little that he did that. Did Remus finally notice or did someone tell him? Did Fabian suggest it? These past months have been torture imagining them together. 

His nose is red, like he’s been in the cold for far too long, which he rubs almost self-consciously. 

“Listen, Sirius, I–” Remus starts and Sirius’ heart leaps up his throat.

The front door swings open, “Moony!” James yells. He turns back in the doorway and yells into the house, “Mum! Remus is here!” 

Whatever it was that he was going to say is lost, lost in all the chaos. 

“Remus, darling, come in! What have you eaten today?” Effy catches Sirius's eye as Remus sweeps past and he gives her the best reassuring smile that he can muster up. She rubs his back as he follows everyone inside. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

Peter arrives sometime later with similar cheers from James’ family and they all gather in the living room, with a statue of Ganesha on the coffee table that they pushed up against the far side of the wall so everyone can see. Everyone sits criss crossed on the floor and somehow in the chaos of everything and everyone, Remus and Sirius have ended up next to each other. 

He can’t tell if it was purposeful or not. If they just have that sort of gravitational pull. 

Effy starts off the aarti and everyone joins in to sing with her clapping along to her singing. She has such a lovely voice and Sirius is always mesmerized by the way she can make anything sound magical. But his thoughts are interrupted by Remus sitting next to him, close enough to reach out and touch.He also does this thing where he sings very softly under his breath, he’s always done it. Sirius knows that he’s always felt self-conscious of his singing voice, but he thinks that it’s absolutely lovely. 

They take flower petals and sprinkle them around the altar.

They sit next to each other during the puja, singing songs in Sanskrit and every once in a while their knees touch and it’s like an electric shock. Sirius can feel the energy between them, but Remus seems totally unaware of his internal struggles. Remus claps along to the beat and Sirius tries his best to ignore him. 

When aarti is over,the puja thali gets handed to Sirius and Remus. They always do this together as a pair every Diwali. They go up together, each holding the side of the plate, diya burning and they wave it in a clockwise motion in front of Ganesha. They’re shy with each other, it’s been so long since they’ve been this close.

The Potter’s kitchen is modest in size, but it’s definitely not big enough when Sirius walks into it later and finds Remus already standing there in front of the kitchen sink, staring out the window. Sirius is sure that there’s no way that he could possibly know that it’s him that’s walking in, but he also has a feeling that he does because Remus doesn’t seem too shocked when he goes to stand next to him. 

The view out the window is of the back garden, it’s a miserable day, cold, dark, gray and gloomy. Inside the house though is bright and warm. The two of them should probably be helping set up for their Diwali reenactment, they’re far too old to be doing it, it’s a childish thing they do every year, but it’s fun.  

“I’ve missed you,” Sirius says. It’s something that needs to be said. He knows Remus put an end to their hooking up, but he feels a little guilty that he pushed him to it. The tap drips water into the sink.

Sirius slides his hand over, pinky finger touching, just barely, Remus’ resting on the porcelain sink. Remus looks at him, searching his face and it’s a miracle that they were alone for as long as they were, because before Remus can respond Mrs. Potter and the horde of aunties burst into the kitchen talking about putting the chai on. 

They slide away from each other, almost reluctantly and Remus offers to help by putting the namkeen into little bowls on the trays. 

This is how he finds out most of what Remus has been up to, from the aunties asking him questions. They usually only get to see Remus twice a year, for Diwali and Holi so it’s small talk and catching up. It’s also months that Sirius is piecing back together, information that Remus is giving to them that Sirius doesn’t know. It’s the first time that Sirius has ever gotten second hand information about Remus and he hates it. He feels like an acquaintance when he knows he’s much more than that. More than a friend but not a lover. Not anymore at least. 

Sirius keeps his back turned to them while Remus divulges his information. 

Yes, school is okay. He has a full schedule this semester. 

No he’s no longer at that job, he’s found a new one working under his professor. 

Yes it’s better hours and they let him study at work. 

He’s no longer at his old job, rings in Sirius’ head again.

“Chai’s ready!” Mrs. Potter yells. 

Remus and Sirius each load up a tray and take it into the living room for everyone. 

It’s begun raining outside, slant rain that’s littering the windows. 

Effy makes eye contact with Sirius several times and he tries to give her a reassuring smile. The conversation that she had with him last night plays over and over in his mind. Just tell him. He needs to tell him because he can’t have ruined their friendship more than he already has. 

He just needs to tell him. 

James’ Nani sits next to him on the sofa, he’s always liked her.  “Did something happen between the two of you?” She gestures with her head in the direction of Remus. 

Sirius looks down into his chai, swirls it around a bit. How can he word this? How can he possibly explain all the intricacies between them? How can he say,  I'm in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same way?

Sirius settles for a shrug and then takes a sip. 

“I think you should talk to him.”

“I’m trying– I just– don’t know what to say.” Sirius gets out after some thought. That’s the problem, he doesn’t know what to say to Remus– doesn't know how to make this right again. 

“He’s been looking at you all day,” She says and Sirius scoffs. “When you aren't looking. I don’t think that you’ll have to say much.” 

The conversation amongst the family continues and Remus stands and quietly excuses himself. Nani sees him leave too and nudges Sirius shoulder and tells him “ go get him.” He counts to ten before he sets his mug on the table next to him and goes to try and find Remus. 

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

It’s not hard to guess what Remus is doing when he sneaks off like that. He smokes so much that Sirius knew he would be itching for a fag soon enough. Sirius opens the back garden door and finds Remus standing under the trellis, during the summer it’s filled with overflowing jasmine but now it’s many brown vines and dead leaves. The rains only spitting very lightly, but he’s still probably getting wet.  

“Do you want to go to the treehouse?” Sirius asks. Remus nods.

As kids the first time all of them came over to James’ house he insisted that he had a treehouse in his back garden, in reality it’s just a rickety shed that Fleamont built for him next to a tree. It’s been used for various activities since then and James used to hide his old porno magazines out here when they were teenagers. 

Sirius fishes one out from an old hiding spot when they get inside. 

“Very classy, Jamie.” Sirius laughs. 

Remus pulls out a little tin from his jacket pocket and opens it for the big reveal, a pre-rolled joint. 

“What do you think?” Remus asks, the chip in his tooth on full display. He’s impossible not to love like this. Mischief in his eyes. 

“Go on then,” Sirius says. It’s been so long since he smoked and he knows how loose his jaw gets when he does. He’s probably going to say something stupid and make an ass of himself. But he’s with Remus, so what could go wrong really?

Sirius inhales and coughs so hard that he thinks one of his lungs might genuinely come up, so hard that he bends over to use his knees as support. It’s not a very big space for him to be doing too much and Remus dissolves into a fit of giggles. 

“Are you entertained?” Sirius gasps between coughs, a trail of spit falls from his mouth onto the rug as he focuses on breathing. He might vomit, he’s not quite sure yet. He’s taking deep breaths in through his nose. 

This feels good, laughing with Remus; or more like getting laughed at by Remus. It reminds him of how they were before everything started to get so complicated. So Sirius decides to say fuck it, and hope that Remus might be open to talking about what happened. 

“Listen– Remus, I know the way I was behaving was–”

“Like a prick?” Remus fills in before taking another drag. 

“Yes. I was a prick. I can admit that.” Sirius loves Remus so much that it brings out the worst in him, but it also has a way of bringing out the best in him. “I was jealous of Fabian.” It doesn’t feel shameful to admit to this now. 

“You?” Remus asks, disbelieving. Sirius almost thinks he’s joking if it wasn’t for the way his eyes are watching him.

“Of course I was, you couldn’t tell? I hated him. He wasn’t good enough for you, not even close.” Sirius says. “I think you deserve the world. You deserve someone to take care of you and that wasn’t him.”

Sirius thought it would be hard to talk to Remus about this now. That it would be hard to talk to him after everything that’s happened. But it’s not. Admission after admission is slowly making its way up his throat. It mostly just feels like Remus doesn't want to talk to him and that’s a new feeling, something that’s never happened before. 

“You know I was never seeing him right,” Remus says, like he knows exactly what Sirius is thinking. 

“No, I didn’t know that,” Sirius says. “Why not? He’s plenty fit.” 

“S’not really my type.”

“So what’s your type then?” 

“You.” His words linger in the air. They have a sort of ring to them, like Sirius can hear them echo plenty before it really registers what he’s said. 

He should feel ecstatic hearing that but really it just makes him sad. Why is it so wrong to finally get what you want? 

“How come you’ve never said?” 

“I thought it was obvious.” 

He searches his eyes. Remus’ face looks open, his brown eyes huge. His eyelashes are so long. It was never obvious to him. He would have never guessed that Remus would be into someone like him, usually a disappointment, a chronic fuck up. Fabian wasn’t good enough for him but neither was Sirius. The difference is that Sirius is willing to try. 

They both seem to be leaning into each other when the treehouse door bursts open, “There you two are!” James exclaims. “I thought I smelled something! Also Mum says dinner’s ready.”

˚✧₊☆⁺˳✧༚˚

Sirius looks around the room, at all the faces of his family and feels such an incredible fondness for everyone that is here. He keeps scanning the room looking for one particular face, he seems like he's always looking for him.

"He already left, Sirius." He turns to the sound of Jame's voice. "Remus. He left already."

"What?" It feels like his stomach has dropped, like a rug has been pulled out from under him.

"I think that if you run you might be able to catch up to him before he reaches the station. I just need to tell you that I know."

"What?" Sirius repeats again. "You know?"

"About you and him. I've known since summer, definitely since August."

"You never said."

"I never thought it was my place to," James runs a hand through his already messy hair. "You never came to me about it. I thought about confronting you, but Mum told me not to."

Sirius feels overwhelmed by this new information. James knew the whole time.

"It wasn't like I was trying to hide it from you," Sirius starts. Next thing he knows James is engulfing him in a hug.

He speaks into his hair, "I know. I know it was never about me." James pulls back to look at him. "We'll talk later."

“Remus!” Sirius yells and jogs to catch up to him. He’s partly down the street. “Wait up!”

He catches up to him. Breathing hard. 

“Effy thinks I’m not eating enough.” Remus says, gesturing to the bag he’s holding. It’s filled with containers of leftover food and snacks. 

“I haven’t really gotten to talk to you today.” Sirius starts. He didn’t have a plan when he came out here. He just saw that Remus was leaving and knew he had to see him one more time. “Uhm– I don’t really know what to say.” He swallows and tucks his hair behind his ear. “But I guess I just wanted to apologize. I don't think I properly did that earlier. I don't want you to hate me anymore.” 

“Hate?” Remus says. “No Sirius, I could never hate you. I–” He swallows hard and looks down at his hands, takes a deep breath. Look around. 

“I hated not speaking to you, not seeing you all the time. I really– mostly miss talking to you.” Sirius rushes out, like this moment could be snatched away from them. Sirius leans forward, clasping his hands together. Almost begging, almost praying. “Whatever you want, Remus. If you never want to see me again, that’s okay.” A desperation has settled over him. He needs Remus to understand. He needs this one thing to be conveyed as clearly as he possibly can. “I will give you whatever you want. I’ll give it to you.” 

The street lights around them are similar to the night when Remus told him he didn’t want to see him anymore, they slowly turn on one by one. The October air is a lot colder than the stifling August heat. He can’t believe it’s been that long since he’s properly seen him. 

Fireworks start to go off above them, they both look up and then Sirius is watching Remus, a smile just playing on his lips and he’s so beautiful he could kiss him. The fireworks light up his face, reds and greens, the explosions sound the way his heart feels. Remus looks down at him, eyes searching his face, and he has no idea what Remus sees. What he could possibly see in him, how he can even forgive him. 

They look at each other, swaying, and start to lean in. 

Sirius holds his breath for a moment. This is it. This is the edge he’s been so scared of, but it’s worse having Remus not know. He has to say it, it feels like it could be taken away from him at any moment. “I’m in love with you.” 

It's like a gut punch leaving him, all the air sucked out. Remus looking at him with his mouth hanging open.

“I love you— I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time— even before the fooling around.” 

“You said it was just sex,” Remus says. “That was all it was going to be.”

“I was scared, I thought that’s what you wanted to hear. I thought that was what was going to let me keep you.” 

Remus drops the bag he’s holding and grabs Sirius’ face, kissing him. They’re mouths colliding, it takes a moment for Sirius' brain to catch up before kissing him back. 

“Of course I love you, you idiot.” Remus says, barely pulling back from him. “I’ve been in love with you forever.” 

The fireworks explode above them and Sirius feels them in his chest, it feels just like Remus saying I love you over and over again.