Chapter Text
When Penelope woke up it was a beautiful Sunday in August: the sun was shining, noisy London was full of life. Looking around her she realized the other side of the bed was empty, but her heart was full. Images of the day before flashed through her head. It had been her perfect birthday: she had spent the day at the Bridgertons' house, as she did most of the time. It was like her second home. But that evening, for her surprise, they threw a mini party – with only their family present - to celebrate her twenty-fourth birthday. They had unwrapped presents together, she had danced with Hyacinth and Gregory, she had beaten Anthony and Simon at poker; laughter filled the air as they captured countless photographs and the end of the evening they had eaten the cake Violet had baked for her. And as she blew out the candles, Penelope made a heartfelt wish that came true the same night. Once the party was over, Colin, one of the older brothers of her best friend, Eloise, had offered to accompany her to her flat. He was her other best friend and crush since forever. Penelope didn't own a car, and she wanted to save the taxi money. And, of course, she wanted to spend as much time as possible with Colin before his departure: being a travel blogger, Colin was about to embark on his next adventure to Egypt the following Monday. From there, who knows where his wanderlust would take him? He often disappeared for months at a time. And Penelope missed him dearly every time.
Once they arrived outside her apartament complex, she extended an invitation for him to come up briefly and retrieve a book that he had kindly lent her the previous week. Both of them shared a deep love for literature and frequently exchanged books or offered recommendations to one another. Penelope hadn't thought about the fact that she could have easily returned the book the following day during their Sunday Lunch at Bridgerton's house - a cherished family tradition hosted by Violet every week. Colin paused for a moment, contemplating her invitation, before agreeing to accompany her and helping her to bring all her gift upstairs. As they ascended in the elevator and entered Penelope's cozy apartment, she continued to passionately discuss the book that they read, sharing her thoughts on the aspects she adored and those she found fault with. Colin gazed at her, his eyes filled with warmth, offering an occasional nod to assure her that he was fully engaged in their conversation. After a while he asked her:
"So, did you like the party tonight? Are you happy?"
Penelope beamed at him "You can't imagine, it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. You know I don't like big parties and attention. But this one, with you, was perfect"
He nodded and smiled softly "I'm happy to hear that. I hope you liked my gift"
The girl giggled and rolled her eyes "The entire box set of the Divine Comedy illustrated by one of my favorite painters? Box set that I can't even imagine how much you paid? It was an easy win"
Colin laughed, and Penelope couldn't help but think how pretty and sweet he was. He remained standing, waiting to receive the book and wish her goodnight. However, when Penelope handed him the book, he didn't make a move to leave. Instead, he stood there, his expression uncertain, studying her intently. Before she could even inquire if something was amiss, he leaned in and kissed her. In that moment, Penelope stopped breathing. Describing him as just a crush was an oversimplification. It failed to capture the depth of affection and admiration that Penelope harbored for him. It was more accurate to say that she was in love with him. She has been for years. He possessed not only good looks, charm, and intelligence, but above all, he was patience and gentle. And coming from a family whose main goal in life was to remind you every single day what were wrong with you, how inferior you were to others and that you would never accomplish anything, his kindess was enough to make her fall. And by becoming his friend, she got to know him better, delving into the serious and profound aspects of his personality beyond the charming exterior everyone saw. It was inevitable that she fell in love with him. Every soft gaze, every smile, every laugh, every gentle touch only deepened her feelings. She was aware that he would never feel the same way about her. They would forever remain just friends. Despite the pain this knowledge cut deeply in her heart, she had come to terms with it. Having him as a friend was enough for her.
But now he had kissed her. At first gently, and then, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, tiptoying, with more intensity. If it weren't for the drinks she had consumed, Penelope would have been more reserved, insecure, and hesitant. However, the right amount of alcohol had emboldened her. She wasn't drunk, not even close, just braver. Now that she was finally experiencing what she had always desired, she couldn't let it slip away. In the blink of an eye, they found themselves in bed, and the boundaries between them blurred. She no longer understood where one began and the other ended. In the heat of the moment, Penelope hadn't even considered - or perhaps she was afraid of ruining the moment - to confess that she had never been intimate with anyone before, and that he would be her first that night. If he had realized, he didn't mention it or inquire further. Maybe he assumed that, given her age, she had already been with someone, and it had simply been a while since her last encounter. Nevertheless, he had been perfect. It had hurt, and it had burned a little, but that was inevitable. And, luckily, she hadn't even bled. It had been strange feeling at first, then pleasant. In the end, it was perfect because it was with him. After they finished, it didn't take long for Penelope to drift off to sleep, feeling content in his embrace.
Reflecting on the events of the previous night, the girl's cheeks turned a rosy shade as she felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her. It was hard to fathom that it had all actually happened. If it weren't for the undeniable evidence of being unclothed beneath the sheets and some lightly shaded love marks adorning her chest, she might have dismissed it all as a mere figment of her imagination. With a mix of excitement and trepidation, she eagerly hopped out of bed and made her way to the shower. The thought of facing the family later on made her heart race. How could she meet their gaze without feeling a tinge of awkwardness? However, deep down, she believed that they would ultimately be overjoyed to see her and Colin together. Surprised, certainly, but happy. Eloise, being protective of Penelope, might require a bit more time to come to terms with the situation. Yet, witnessing the sheer bliss radiating from her dear friend, acceptance was surely on the horizon.
Penelope took her time styling her hair after it dried, carefully pinning her curls in place with clips. She applied a light layer of makeup, slipped into a little pink dress, and paired it with simple white shoes. Grabbing her phone and house keys, she hurried to catch the subway. She felt like she was walking on air, despite feeling a slight physical discomfort. Penelope was happy about that too, as it was a reminder of the events from the night before. She was eager to see Colin again. They needed to discuss how their relationship would progress now that he was leaving on another trip. Penelope was confident that they would figure it out together, as they always understood each other so well. She often felt that Colin knew and understood her better than Eloise ever could.
As soon as Penelope stepped foot into Bridgerton House, a wave of nerves washed over her, causing her stomach to twist with anxiety. Maybe it wasn't the case to enter through the front door, be announced and find everyone's eyes on her. Maybe it was better to go through the garden, so she could find Eloise and Colin first and talk to them, then face the rest of the family. Making her way to the back gate, Penelope found herself standing in front of the majestic, ancient house tree that held two swings. The girl smiled as she remembered the hours she and Eloise had spent sitting there, talking about everything and nothing. Not spotting anyone, Penelope decided to walk a little, to calm her nerves, and putting one step in front of the other she reached the beautiful wooden gazebo, feeling a sense of peace wash over her as she entered. This place had always held a special spot in her heart. After a while she took a deep breath and made the decision to step inside the house. Trying to compose herself, she smoothed out her dress unnecessarily and fussed with her hair to ensure it was flawless. And then... fuck! Her pearl earring fell from her ear and rolled on the wooden floor, until it fell inexorably at the back of the gazebo, among the grass and bushes. Damn, she loved that earring. She quickly walked down the wooden stairs and she went to the back of the structue. Crouching down on the ground, she began looking for the earring. After a while, as she was almost resigned to have lost the jewel...there! Here you go! She found it. Sitting down on the ground she quickly secured the earring to her ear so she wouldn't lose it again. She was about to get up when she heard male voices approaching. Accustomed to living in a house where her only possibility of having a minimum of freedom was to do everything secretly, her instinct was to crouch down even more so as not to be seen. It was an irrational behavior, really, as she wasn't doing anything bad. But she was so used to sneak around in her own home, always fearful of being caught, that hiding was the only thing she knew how to do perfectly. As the voices drew nearer, entering the gazebo, Penelope recognized them as Colin, Anthony, and Benedict.
“You came back late last night, after you took Penelope home” Benedict said, in the usual tone that the Bridgerton brothers used to tease each other.
"So?" Colin replied nonchalantly.
"So? I should ask you that" the other retorted, amusement in his voice. "So? What did you do after you brought her home?”
“We... talked” Colin said, a little more hesitantly than before.
“You talked” Anthony repeated.
“Yes”
“Until four in the morning?” Benedict asked skeptically.
“What do you want to know, Ben?” Colin asks back, impatiently.
“We just wanna know if you finally did something about the situation between the two of you” Anthony interjected.
“What situation?” the younger one asked, confused.
“Come on brother. You know that she is in love with you since, like, forever. Everyone in the family know. Well, everyone exept Eloise, maybe” Benedict
exclaimed.
“She's my friend Ben. I've known her for, like, all my life. I could never look at her like that, right?”
“Why not?” asked Anthony “Because she is too... short? Too large? Too quiet to be your type? What's the problem?”
Penelope stopped breathing.
“Shut up, Ant” said Colin defensively “Listen. I'm not in love with her. She's just... my friend. A childhood friend. Our little sister best friend. You all have to stop pestering me about this every time you see the two of us together!” he exclaimed in frustration.
“We don't say those things to make you angry, brother. We just notice how she looks at you, poor thing. You treat her differently than other girls we see you interact with. We just want to know what you think about it” Benedict said in his usual calm tone.
“The only girls you've seen me interact with are my sisters or girlfriends I've had, so obviously I treat her differently since she's neither of those things. You should all mind your own bunisess” Colin concluded with a frustrated snort. Suddenly a loud thunder boomed throughout the garden. The sky had filled with dark clouds very quickly.
Benedict sighed “Let's go back. Apparently we'll have to have lunch indoors. I think there's a big storm coming."
As luck would have it, a torrential downpour descended upon London shortly after. Penelope found herself sitting on the ground, which was rapidly transforming into a muddy mess. After a while, she got up and, using the tree-lined path that took her back to the back gate where she had entered, she left without being seen. By the time Penelope reached the subway, she was completely drenched, water cascading off her body. She couldn't help but shiver uncontrollably as the cold seeped into her bones. She wasn't sure if it was just the rain though.
On her way back, she sent a message to Eloise and, with an ease that surprised her, she lied: she apologized that she couldn't be present at the Sunday lunch, saying that she woke up late and by the time she finally left the house it had already started pouring. Eloise replied almost immediately, saying that she understood and that, in any case, they would meet for dinner to say goodbye to Colin before his leaving. Penelope didn't reply replied as she already knew that she would not return to Bridgerton house that evening. She couldn't bear to see HIM, or anyone else.
As Penelope trudged through the pouring rain on her way home from the subway, she felt like she was in a daze. The rain was so heavy that it made it difficult to see more than a few steps ahead. It was as if she was physically present, but her mind was somewhere else entirely. She couldn't even gather her thoughts. Step by step, she mechanically made her way towards her flat, her body following the familiar path it had taken countless times before. When she finally reached her destination and entered her flat, she couldn't even recall the details of how she got there. The elevator, the door, everything seemed like a blur. Standing at the entrance, she found herself staring blankly at nothing in particular. A puddle of water formed at her feet, her clothes and hair drenched, and her hands trembling from the cold. Yet, she remained frozen in place, unable to move. She knew she needed to change out of her wet clothes, take a hot shower, and clean up the mess on the floor, but her body refused to cooperate. It was as if she was trapped in a void, surrounded by silence. Suddenly, a bright flash of lightning jolted her back to reality. Penelope became acutely aware of her surroundings, of where she was and what had happened. She leaned against the door, suddenly without strength, and sank to the floor. Her wet dress clung to her uncomfortably and her shoes were full of water, her feet frozen. But the only thing Penelope managed to do at that moment was to put her head in her hands and burst into tears.
After what felt like an eternity, the rain had finally ceased when Penelope mustered the strength to stand up. Making her way to the bathroom, she swiftly discarded her drenched attire, carelessly tossing them into a corner. As she removed her slip, she noticed faint bloodstains. She knew that it wasn't her period. It was another reminder of the events from the previous night. She stepped into the shower and she remained under the jet of hot water for a long time. As the steam enveloped the glass, she found herself captivated by the mesmerizing sight. Although she previously couldn't form a thought, she now did nothing but think.
So that's what the Bridgertons thought of her - too large, too short. too quite. Poor thing, inexorably in love with the third son, never reciprocated. She was always gonna be the short one, the pudgy one, th clumsy one. She thought she had come to terms with it, resigned that she would be just that for the rest of her life. But, deep down, she knew she hadn't truly accepted it. She had convinced herself that all was fine, that she was content with her lot in life. Because if she dared to think about what she truly desired, or who she really wanted to be, she feared she wouldn't be able to live with herself any longer. The constant reassurances from the Bridgertons, telling her that she was fine just the way she was, that nothing was wrong with her, that she hada lot of qualities - she was kind, she was funny, she was intelligent - helped her cling to the edge and not fall off the precipice for a long time.
The kind words of support from what she felt was a second family were the lifeline that unknowingly held together the fragile thread inside her. Many times in her life she was insulted, many times she was humiliated, by her own mother, by her sisters, by the stupid teenagers at school and classmates. But she endured. Because she tought that those people were just cruel, frustrated with their own life, they didn't know her for who she really was and they didn't care for her. However, when those hurtful words came from her closest loved ones, her safe haven, she couldn't bear it. The thread snapped, and she tumbled into the abyss.
The entire Bridgerton family pitied Penelope. They didn't keep her with them and didn't welcome her because they loved her, but because they felt sorry for her. It was more like the sympathy you feel for a wounded kitten you stumble upon on the street - you take it in, care for it, and receive its companionship in return. Penelope was their funny little pet, someone to be pitied. Even Eloise. Eloise. The one Penelope considered her best friend. Yet only now did she realize that this couldn't be the case. How else was it possible that everyone in that family had noticed her feelings for Colin, except Eloise, who should have been the person who knew her best in the world? Her answer was that Eloise didn't know her at all. She thought she knew her and the concept she had of Penelope in her head was enough. The reason Eloise clung to Penelope was because she was the only one who would listen to her rants, spending hours patientl listening to her go on about her current fixations. Penelope was the only one who knew how to provide her with the comfort she needed, just like a loyal pet.
But Eloise perceived Penelope in the same way others did, and she felt sorry for her without even trying to make it not look so.
"Looks doesn't matter, Pen. It's the mind that truly matter. It's what's on the inside that is important" she would always affirm whenever someone made Penelope feel insecure about her appearance. Of course she would have said that. Because she just couldn't say "They're correct, Pen. You're unattractive and overweight, but you'll manage." However, the essence of her words conveyed just that.
Penelope's mind wandered to her other closest friend. The supposed love of her life. She wasn't hurt by his lack of affection towards her. Even if Colin didn't reciprocate her feelings, she was okay with it. She never expected to have him anyway. Even if their encounter was just a one-night stand fueled by alcohol and lust, she could handle it. What she couldn't bear was the shame and embarrassment he felt afterwards, not even wanting to share it with his brothers. Colin had said that he would never look at her in that way. But he did. Last night he did. And he was ashamed of it. He was ashamed of desiring someone, something, like her. Or maybe he didn't even think of her during that night. Still reeling from being cheated on and left by his ex, his pride was wounded. He knew Penelope loved him, knew she would never turn him away, just waiting for a sign from him. Maybe she was just a way for him to heal, to boost his ego. Maybe that's why he said what he said. Because he truly didn't see her in THAT way. When he looked at her that night, he wasn't really seeing her. He was seeing someone else. Penelope realized in that moment that he never said her name. From the first kiss to the last, he never said her name.
And Penelope was a fool. And she was greedy. She always wanted more, even when she didn't deserve it. She was fat because she was greedy for food. She had sex with Colin Bridgerton because she wanted more, because she dared to think that she could have more. She dared to think that she was worth it. She was arrogant enough to think that he could feel for her even just a fraction of what she felt for him. Oh, how she was wrong.
She was disgusted by herself. She was disgusted by the pity that the Bridgerton felt for her. And she was disgusted by Colin. Because even if he didn't love romantically, he was still her friend. And a friend wouldn't do what he did with her. Perhaps he believed he was being kind, offering her this experience out of pity for her pitiful existence. Maybe that was all she could ever hope for from him - a mere sliver of compassion. Because Penelope knew the truth, the one that her mother had always told her since she was born: it didn't matter how intelligent and nice you are, if you are beautiful people will treat you better. If she was thinnier maybe she was worth something else other than pity. If she was prettier, maybe Colin Bridgerton might gaze upon her with the desire of a man for a woman. If only she was beautiful, he might have loved her. Self-hatred consumed her. If she could have torn herself apart and remade herself, she would have done so without hesitation.
Penelope shut all the shutters and crawled into bed, the room instantly enveloped in darkness. It had been hours since she had returned home and she hadn't even noticed. She wrote Eloise a message in which she apologized but she would not be able to go to dinner that evening because she had caught the rain that morning and she was probably coming up with a cold. And it wasn't a lie. Penelope was shivering from the cold, no matter how many blankets she had on or how thick her pajamas were, she couldn't get warm. She had nausea and a constant pain in her chest. Her head was exploding. She also wrote a short message to Violet, similar to the one she had sent to Eloise, thanking her for the invitation. She didn't want them to suspect anything was wrong. She would never tell them that she had overheard the conversation between Colin and his brothers. She wouldn't have survived that humiliation. After informing her boss, Agatha Danbury, about her illness and promising to provide a doctor's note soon, Penelope turned off her phone, closed her eyes, and wept herself to sleep.
The next day when she woke up, she checked her phone: she saw that Eloise, Violet and Agatha had all responded to her in a similar way, telling her to rest, to call if she needed anything and to take the days she needed to get well. What made her heart stop, however, was another, single message from Colin.
“Hello Pen, Eloise told me that you're sick. I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you again before I left. I hope you heal quickly. Call me when you feel better, please. Take care” She didn't call him.
As Agatha warmly embraced Penelope upon her return to the office, she kindly advised her not to overexert herself. During the coffee break, Penelope engaged in lively conversations with her colleagues, and she shared a lunch break with Eloise, attentively listening to her animated tales of the past few days. Later, she called her mother, quietly absorbing the gossip and snide remarks about their neighbors. Although the day unfolded like any other, something deep within Penelope had shattered. Over the following weeks, she discovered a newfound talent within herself: the ability to act. When she was in the outside world, when she interacted with other people, Penelope acted like she had always been. She seemed normal but, in reality, she was dissociated from herself. She knew how to pretend. She knew when to laugh, what to say and when to say it. Astonishingly, no one seemed to notice that something had changed.
The only big change that had taken place, and that Penelope had not been able to prevent, was that she no longer went to Sunday lunch at the Bridgerton house: she couldn't handle the judgmental looks and fake affection from the whole family. No. Penelope couldn't have pretended that much. She would have crumbled down. So, she continuously came up with one excuse after another to avoid family gatherings, dinners, and birthdays. Penelope always insisted that she needed to visit her mother or had additional work from Mrs. Dambury. While there was some truth to it—Agatha had been piling on the work for months—Penelope eventually found it manageable. If she had organized herself, she could have attended all the Bridgerton events and completed all her tasks at the same time. However, using work as an excuse was convenient, especially since Agatha, who frequently attended the same events, would back her up if anyone questioned her absence. Meanwhile, Penelope continued her usual social life: having lunch with Eloise, going to the movies with Kate and Sophie, and enjoying nights out with Posy and Edwina. She kept in touch with them daily through phone calls and group chats. All normal.
But when she was alone, she could take off the mask she wore and be herself. And, oh, what an ugly thing she was. She stopped eating. When she was forced to have lunch with Eloise she limited herself to having a salad, and her friend had never asked questions. Why would she? Penelope was constantly on a diet. Also, the redhead found it surprisingly easy to resist eating because she constantly felt nauseous. As soon as she ate anything bigger than a lettuce leaf she felt like throwing up. She drank liters of water, black coffee, tea, herbal teas. To make up for her lack of food, she started taking supplements and vitamins. She began to be obsessed with looking at herself in the mirror: she had never been a vain person who spent hours in the mirror getting ready, she would only check her look briefly to ensure she was presentable. However, there were moments when she wore an outfit she loved or styled her hair particularly well, and she would catch a glimpse of herself ant think she looked good. Not anymore. Every time she looked at herself the only things she could see were her flaws: the facial hairs, the discolourations, the carrot colored hair, the big and round face, the double chin, the huge and sagging breasts, the rolls of fat, the stretch marks, cellulite everywhere, short and flabby legs, stumpy feet, pig-like hands. She saw every flaw, and she thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it, until she couldn't think of anything else. Until she couldn't look at herself anymore. She nearly stopped sleeping as well. At night, when everything was dark and quiet, she would lie in bed alone, struggling to fall asleep. It was then that her worst thoughts assailed her. Images of the night she'd spent with Colin played over and over in her mind, and she analyzed every second of them, thinking about how bad it had been when she'd made that face, or how embarrassing it had been when she'd made that sound, or how disgusting she was to the touch as he held her. And then the conversation between Colin and his brothers rang in her ears, and she thought back to all the moments she had spent with the Bridgertons, all the looks they had exchanged, all the gestures they made. Yes, they definitely thought how pathetic she was. Surely they thought how ridiculous she looked when she wore that floral dress for Eloise's birthday. They definitely thought about how fat she was when they had that pool party last summer and she wore a one-piece swimsuit. How could someone like her, have just had the courage to put on a bathing costume? And Penelope went on like this, with these thoughts, until she could no longer stand the darkness and the silence. So she would get up, turn on all the lights, turn on the TV, and she would do something: sometimes she would read, sometimes she would get on with her work, often she would simply go up and down the room. If lucky, she could sleep a few hours before going to the office.
Then she realized that it was not possible for her to continue this way. One day, while she was walking home from the subway, she fainted in the middle of the sidewalk. She recovered shortly after, surrounded by a small crowd of people trying to give her air and help her. None of them would have ever suspected that she had fainted because she hadn't eaten for days. She wasn't the right size to raise such suspicions. After reassuring the kind passers-by that she was fine and didn't need assistance, she ran home and started thinking: she couldn't afford to faint in the office or she would attract attention, she couldn't afford to have such a brain fog that she wouldn't being able to concentrate, because she had a job to do. A job she loved. So she decided that she had to eat, but in a controlled way. Penelope began weighing everything she ate, reading the nutritional values of everything when she went shopping She counted the calories of everything. She also needed a way to burn off calories and tone up, so she signed up for a 24-hour gym not too far from her house. She would leave the office and go to the gym, almost every day. When she knew that she couldn't go there after work hours because she had to go out with the girls, she made sure to go there before going to the office. If, for any reason, she couldn't make it to the gym, she would opt for a walk, go up and down the stairs in her apartment building, or do exercises on her yoga mat at home. Occasionally, Penelope would pause to reflect on how absurd it was to have an eating disorder at her age, a time when one is expected to act like an adult and make responsible choices. Because, obviously, Penelope was aware that she had a problem and was aware that everything she was doing was unhealthy. She planned to begin living a healthy lifestyle once she hit her target weight. For now, though, her only focus was reaching her goal, and she didn't care how she did it.
As time passed, she started to receive validation that her efforts were paying off. One night, she was reluctantly taken to the pub by Eloise and the other girls. They were all gathered around the table, sipping on their drinks, discussing their week, their jobs, and the latest gossip. Penelope listened attentively, chimed in when necessary, and quietly observed each of them. Eloise, Dafne, Kate, Edwina, Sophie, Posy - each one of them was beautiful. All different and uniquely beautiful. And then there was Penelope. She must have been a sore eye. She must have looked ridiculous among the others, totally out of place. And that's exactly how she felt. While she was thinking these things Kate turned towards her and smiling asked her:
“Penelope, I've been wanting to ask you for a while, have you lost weight?”
Penelope looked at her, shocked for a moment. It was the first time in her life that someone had asked her that question. She smiled slightly, and feigning indifference she shrugged:
“I don't know, maybe. I started going to the gym, maybe that's why"
Penelope maintained her composure, trying not to show her eagerness for a compliment. Deep down, though, she was filled with happiness and excitement, reminiscent of that unforgettable Saturday in August at Bridgerton House. She couldn't let go of that feeling. The very next day, during lunch at her mother's house, Penelope was taken aback by Portia's surprised reaction. Her mother's astonished gasp and words of encouragement,
"Oh my, Penelope! Are you on a diet? You look great! Keep it up!"
For the first time, her mother seemed proud of her. For the first time she had given her something resembling a compliment. This newfound motivation fueled her determination to reach her goal even more. She now had a solid routine: work, gym, counting calories, and girls' nights out. Repeat.
In all the control and order that Penelope had imposed on her life, she started to question why Agatha not only piled on more tasks but also sought her input more frequently and included her in meetings. Penelope had a feeling it was some sort of test, though she was unsure of its purpose. The answer came one day in September when Agatha summoned her to her office and had her take a seat in front of the desk.
“Miss Featherington, you are probably wondering why I have increased your workload and responsibilities these past few months" the woman began to say "I've known you for many years, both of us being good Bridgerton acquaintances, and when you sent your CV to do an internship as an assistant here at Queen Charlotte Publishers, I was very happy. As I pointed out to you at the time, even if we knew each other outside of work, you would not have received preferential treatment from me. In fact, perhaps you would be judged more carefully than others. I have always liked you and your wit, and I wanted to see if I had been right about you. And I was: once your intenship period was over you were hired immediately. You're smart, passionate, perceptive and hardworking. In these last few months I wanted to see how you worked under pressure, how capable you really were. I was testing you. And you passed the test.” Mrs Danbury smiled, and placed a stack of papers in front of her. A contract.
“The current commissioning editor of our location in Dublin is at the end of her career. She needs someone to train before she retires, someone who will then take her place. There were several candidates and I proposed you. After months of analyzing your work, it was finally decided that you are the best choice. So this is what we propose: move to Dublin, one year of training with the current commissioning editor at the end of which you will take her place. If after at least two years in the position you want to be relocated, you can request a transfer. The details of the salary increase, the benefits that the company will offer you, etc., are written in the contract. So, Miss Faetherington, what do you think?”
Penelope was speechless. She couldn't believe that among so many candidates she was the right choice. The most capable choice. She was flattered and grateful to Agatha for proposing to her. It was a dream that could come true. Penelope pinched herself to make sure she was awake, and blinking at her eyes, which were growing moist, she said:
“I'm... I really don't know what to say. This is...a huge opportunity and I never expected it. I..."
Agatha got up from her seat and went to her side.
“I can imagine. I was very young when I entered the industry. I was eager and I fought to be where I am. Luckily, times have changed and things can be much more simple" she said, smiling understandingly "You don't have to give me an answer right away. Take the week to decide. I know it's a big change: you'll have to leave everything you have here and move for a minimum of three years. But it is a great opportunity. However you decide, just know that I think you deserve it and that I would be happy to see you advance in your career now.” the woman said, squeezing her shoulder affectionately “Now, go eat lunch and relax a bit. I think you're losing too much weight. Op Op”
Penelope took the contract, placed it in the paper envelope and left the office. She felt like she was flying. She couldn't believe what she had been offered, so soon after she joined the company. Back at her desk, she grabbed her cell phone and computer, then left her workstation. She found an empty meeting room that was free until the afternoon, locked the door, and began to read the contract. Once she finished, her excitement turned to anxiety. Moving to a new city was thrilling, but the farthest she had traveled was Kent, where she had enjoyed a wonderful summer at Aubrey Hall with the Bridgertons. The Bridgertons, who were what was dearest to her, despite what had happened in August, were in London; her few friends were in London; his mother and her sisters, although not so close to her, were in London. On the other hand, it seemed to her like a sign of destiny: her mother was Irish. Penelope had an aunt and cousins in Dublin, even though she barely knew them - there was bad blood between Portia and her sister. But could really Penelope leave everything she knew and start over? She was shy, she had always been a wallflower. How would she make new acquaintances? Perhaps in Dublin she would have had to resign herself to total solitude. Finding a place to stay, adjusting to a new workplace - all seemed overwhelming. And then there was her biggest fear: her new role. Commissioning editor? Now? So young? Would she have been able to make such a decision? Was she ready for such a responsibility? For the rest of the day she did nothing but think about the new contract, weighing the pros and cons. That evening, when she was safe in his bed, she started reading about Dublin, looking at photos of the city, reading blogs about what life was like there. Oh, it was definitely asking too much of her. Taking on such a huge responsibility was simply out of the question. The mere thought of moving to a new city all by herself sent shivers down her spine. Deep down, she was well aware that she lacked the ability to handle it. She knew she wasn't capable of it. She would never have been able to. Suddenly, Her phone began to vibrate non-stop. She attempted to ignore it, but the buzzing persisted. Someone was calling her over and over. Frustrated, she finally answered the phone without checking the caller ID, assuming it was just her bothersome mother demanding her attention.
“Pen?”
Penelope shut her eyes tightly and inhaled deeply. Her heart racedy. The sound of his voice, uttering just one word, was enough to make her crumble. Since their last encounter, she had fought with all her might not to long for him, not to reminisce about their cherished moments. Not to reach out to him, not to respond. Yet, he remained the man she cherished most, her closest confidant. The man she had loved most of her life. The realization of how deeply she had yearned for his presence in her life, despite her efforts to suppress it, hit her like a tidal wave. And it crushed her down.
“Hello Colin,” she said, hoping her voice didn't tremble, revealing the emotions she felt at that moment.
“Are you ok? I've been writing and calling you for over a month, you've never answered me” Colin said, in a tone that showed worry and frustration.
"I am fine. I've been very busy with work.”
“Work? Do you have an idea how much I was worried? I can't even count all the text and the calls you have not answered! I had to ask to everybody if you were alive. And that's what everyone told me: you have a lot of work. Mum told me that she hasn't seen you since your birthday. You haven't gone to Sunday lunches anymore, you missed Hyacinth's birthday and the mid-August party. Kate and Sophie told me you've been weird lately" he said, then paused for a moment "Is it because... is it because of what happened between us?” Penelope felt her mouth dry, nausea came up and her hands began to tremble. Obviously they had talked about her, behind her back. She felt the anger rising inside her. He had no right to talk to her like that. She didn't want to be talked about. She didn't want Colin to know anything about her except directly from herself. She wanted to be left alone.
“It's not about that. I told you. I've been busy with work. And I will probably be even more so in the coming months. It's my priority at the moment.” Penelope simply said. In reality, she would have liked to ask him what really had happened between them that night. But she wasn't sure she could handle the answer he was surely going to give her: that was that what had happened between them was nothing.
“No, I know. It's just...you always worked hard and had a lot of work, but you always found time to visit my family” Colin continued to say.
“You said it right Colin: it is your family, not mine. I don't have to be with them every Sunday and at every party” the girl replied, in a harsher tone than she intended.
“What?" he asked, confused "Pen, you're like family, and I...” the boy said. He had never heard his friend so serious.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?” she interrupted him impatiently.
“I... I'm sorry. For what happened on the night of your birthday. I was a little drunk, I wasn't myself, I should never have done what I did. I'm so sorry Pen. I never wanted to make you suffer" Colin whispered.
'Of course you're sorry. Of course you weren't yourself, because otherwise you would never have touched me like that' she wanted to say. She instead gripped the phone in her hand, so tightly that she feared she would break it, and she let out a humorless giggle.
“Pen?”
"Suffer? Do you think what happened made me suffer? Why? It was a fun night” the girl said, with the last bit of dignity she had left. Once she hung up the phone, she would collapse. But now? No. Not now. She wouldn't give Colin Bridgerton the satisfaction of seeing her destroyed because of him.
“What?” Colin asked once again, astonished.
“Yeah like, I was drunk too. I don't even remember much. But it was fun. It was just a one night thing, wasn't it? That's what you wanted to say, right? I've never thought otherwise. You can forget about it, if you want to” Oh, how good she was at lying. Penelope remembered every single moment of that night, and for a moment, she had been convinced that it would be the first night of many others. For a night, she tought hat he had finally seen that she was made for him.
“I...don't know what to say right now” the boy replied hesitantly, clearly taken aback by the nonchalance with which Penelope spoke about what had happened.
The redhead giggled again “No need to say anything, I guess. Now, if that's all, I need to go. I have to get up early tomorrow. Good luck with the blog” she said offhandedly.
“Ah... one last thing... can it all stay between us? I think it would be better if...no one knew. Especially my family."
Obviously he didn't want anyone to know that he had sex with her. What would people think of him? He would lose his good reputation. “Sure. No problem” she agreed immediately.
“...Thank you. Mh... so... see you soon” he whispered uncertainly.
“Yeah, bye Colin” and without waiting for an answer, she hung up the phone.
Penelope's gaze was locked on the window. She contemplated that if she had opened the window and jumped out at that moment, she likely wouldn't have died. The drop from her window to the ground was too short. She would definitely break something, but she questioned the aftermath of such a decision. Would she find herself disabled, facing a life even more challenging than the one she currently led? With these thoughts swirling in her mind, Penelope chose to remain seated on the bed, her silence only interrupted by the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. The only moving things were her chest as she inhaled and exhaled, and the tears streaming down her cheeks. When the sun rose, Penelope understood what she had to do.
She got ready calmly, choosing the right outfit, fixing her hair as best as possible. She took the subway and went to the office early. Without haste, she prepared herself a coffee at the machine and, once seated at the desk, she began to organize the day's work. She looked at Agatha's calendar and, once the woman was by herself in her office, she approached and softly knocked on the door.
“Miss Faetherington, good morning!" Agatha said in a cheerful tone, letting her in "What can I do for you? Do you have any doubts regarding the contract?"
“Thanks but no I have no doubts. I came by to tell her that I accept the proposal." Penelope said with a tight smile.
Agatha looked at her surprised “Ah, well, I'm happy! But...are you sure? You still have many days to think about it"
“I'm absolutely sure” she respondend with a confident tone. And she really was. Because in the night she had realized that if she had remained in that city, in that stale environment, so close to the Bridgertons, she would have died. It's funny how the people that you love the most are the ones that can destroy you more easily. And they would have destroyed her, without even realizing it. She obviously loved them, and she would always love them. They had been the first and only semblance of family she had ever had. But the redhead knew what she had to do: that weekend she would go to Sunday Lunch and she would announce her departure, with a smile on her face. Then, she would break the news to her sisters and her mother and, with a little insistence, she would get her aunt's phone number. Eloise would help her pack, Kate would help her find accommodation, Sophie and Dafne would make her a list of all the things she had to watch out for and all the fundamental things she had to do once she arrived. Once in Dublin she would hear from them often via text messages, and they would call each other often. And that was it. The distance, the knowledge that they couldn't see her, that they couldn't know what she was doing if she didn't communicate it; the freedom of being nobody, and being able to be someone new, far from the past that chained her. These were things she needed now. London and that family represented the person she was and no longer wanted to be. It was time to move on. And it was time to bury her bleeding heart, and forget Colin Bridgerton.