Chapter Text
“Alright, class. Today I’m going to be partnering you up for our next project.” Mr. Aizawa’s voice drones on in the same way it has for the last going-on-three years, but something about the duffle bag he’s shoved behind the podium has Izuku feeling this project would be a bit different than their regular hero training.
And maybe also by the look on their teacher’s face. His eyes, they hold…fear? No, it was more like…
Embarrassment?
What could possibly embarrass Mr. Aizawa?
“Now, it may seem a little…strange, seeing as you’re all here to become heroes and not parents…” his eyes scan the room, landing on each of his students, and the look Izuku thinks he saw, well, it’s gone now. “But it would be more rational to let you figure this out in your own minds than to explain, so I’ll just get on with it.”
Parents instead of heroes? It’s a weird thing to say, and Izuku, himself, had never even thought about having kids. Becoming a hero was his life’s goal, and a dangerous one at that. That didn’t mean it wasn’t anyone else's dream to have both, though! Take Rock Lock for example. Raising a family and saving peoples’ lives. Obviously, it was possible...
But what did all that have to do with a bunch of high-schoolers?
Izuku isn’t the only one to catch onto his teacher’s words, as he hears mumbling starting up from all over the classroom. Whispers of “parents” and “who’s having a kid?” and even a “is this about Eri-chan?” from Kirishima.
No, Izuku’s sure this has nothing to do with Eri. If anything, Mr. Aizawa and Present Mic were doing most of the parenting on that end and doing a great job at that. Izuku had been so happy watching her slowly grow under their care. But before anyone gets a chance to clarify, Mr. Aizawa is pulling a plastic baby doll out of the giant black duffle bag he’d brought in earlier.
“Starting today, you are all parents.”
…
“WHAAAT!?!” most of the class shouts.
“Parents?! But Mr. Aizawa!” That’s Iida and Yaoyorozu.
“The fuck?” Kacchan scoffs in front of Izuku.
The classroom continues to explode with questions and cries of disbelief and even a few unrestrained bursts of hysterical laughter. The noise is next-to-deafening, and Izuku almost wants to cover his ears.
Sure this is crazy, but they have to trust their teacher. He’s a capable faculty member of UA and a hero. He has to know what he’s doing. He has for the past two years…Right?
Izuku might think his classmates are overreacting…but, honestly, he’s more than a little confused, too. Even Kacchan’s self-restrained facade is cracking at the proposition. Even from behind, Izuku can see him trying to piece together what their teacher just said.
Mr. Aizawa merely stands quietly at the head of the classroom as Sero screams, Kaminari rolls on the ground, Koda sweats through his uniform. It’s…a lot.
Feeling like the chaos has gone on too long, Izuku raises his hand.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Aizawa. Did you say we’re all ‘parents’ now?” Maybe they all heard wrong?
He sighs, obviously thankful for the micro-semblance of calm that has returned to the room, then continues. “That’s right. For the next week, you and an assigned partner will be responsible for a child—”
“WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF BABIES??!" Kaminari screams, too early for 9:30 in the morning. “You’re serious?? We’re actually gonna be parents?!?!?”
Mr. Aizawa lets the scream flow over him like water over a stone.
“You’ll be taking care of one baby—and only kind-of-parents. Allow me to explain. Your “baby” will be a specialized doll designed by the support department at the request of all hero course faculty for the purpose of this assignment. It will be advanced enough to help me judge at the end of the week how well the child was taken care of. Now listen closely: Your child will cry. It will need its diaper changed. It will demand rest and care just as an actual baby would. The exact same needs, down to burping it after being fed.”
Among the mutterings of his classmates, Izuku hears Uraraka giggle into her hand. “Hatsume finally made real babies, huh?” She was one of the few people who laughed at the assignment, her chaotic sense of humor shining through in these obviously trying times for the rest of the class. It seemed she might be looking forward to this new endeavor into parenthood.
Izuku, though…not so much.
And it wasn’t even the thought of taking care of a child that had his anxieties high in the clouds.
His mind was running a mile a minute, doing laps around some other words uttered by their teacher.
“Assigned partner.”
It was silly to think, silly to even hope. How, out of 20 other students, would Izuku’s luck and good fortune be good enough to get Kacchan as his assigned partner?
From in front of Iida, Mina incorrectly assumes the difficulty of the assignment, essentially scoffing at their teacher’s subtle warnings.
“That doesn’t sound too hard. Just feed it, change its diaper, burp it and put it to sleep, right? I mean, we’ve been through a war already!” She kicks her feet up on her desk. “My maternal instincts will kick in, so no sweat.”
The glowing red of Mr. Aizawa’s eyes nearly has her jumping to get her feet down. “Not quite.” he says. “These babies have been designed quite accurately and then some. This isn’t some villain that you can punch when the going gets tough or knock unconscious and throw behind bars when they do the wrong thing. And, to increase the training aspect, the dolls will know how to respond to negligent-care situations.
Respond to negligent-care situations? Could that mean…?
The confusion is palpable in Kaminari’s voice. “Negligent care?” He blinks, entirely lost by what Izuku considers reasonable high school vocabulary. “What does that mean?”
“It means, Kaminari, a situation where the parent is failing to take care of their child.” Iida dutifully clears the confusion like his life depends on it, rushing to answer before even their teacher.
“Thank you, Iida.” Mr. Aizawa blinks. “That’s correct. Should the parents take their eyes off the child for a full five minutes, the ‘baby’ will respond by placing itself in a situation requiring even greater care.”
Huh?
Now that one catches Izuku off guard. This thing is high-tech enough that it can do that? How hardcore was the support department when making these? Although Izuku knows he’d do his best with this assignment, with every extra detail that came out of their teacher’s mouth, it seemed increasingly convoluted.
Izuku was already trying to plan how he would multitask his homework in the evening while taking care of this new…child. It helped that he went to bed closer to midnight, that way he wouldn’t have to worry about them as he slept. Best to sleep as little as possible, actually. But what about during class? Were they going to have to sit through one of Present Mic’s english lectures while trying to tune out multiple crying babies?
The next week sure would be interesting, to say the least.
It’s Kacchan’s voice that brings Izuku back to the present.
“So you’re saying that we have to watch this thing 24-fuckin’-7 or else it’s gonna throw itself into traffic?” Katsuki thumps his hand onto his desk in what Izuku would call disbelief. Izuku tries to listen to their teacher’s answer of the question even as Mineta shakes his body violently back and forth, frantically whispering something about suicidal animatronic babies in his ear.
Kacchan can’t be right, though. He may be right about a lot of things, but this time…he knows he’s exaggerating with his question and Mineta…he overreacts about everything. There’s no way that—
“Precisely.” Mr. Aizawa confirms, already stepping into his sleeping bag. Somehow, the baby doll in his hand has a similar, yet smaller, yellow sleeping bag already covering its body in a perfect mirror of their teacher as he tucks it in with him.
“But what about our studies, Mr. Aizawa?" Uraraka asks, now a little more concerned for her future child’s proclivities for danger. “Are you expecting us to pay attention to these babies while also paying attention to class?”
“We can’t really be expected to juggle our school work, hero work, and taking care of a child at the same time?” Kaminari shouts, this time with actual tears in his eyes.
“You can be.” Mr. Aizawa retorts, and yeah, Izuku knew where this conversation was headed. Say you can’t do something, and Mr. Aizawa will tell you how exactly you can, and that you’ll be expected to. “Actual mothers do this all the time. Maybe not so much as saving civilian lives as a hero would, but they have multiple kids, sometimes of various ages. With older kids come different and often more responsibilities. Making lunch, helping with homework, preparing meals. They have full time jobs, and sometimes they juggle all this without the help of a partner.” He takes a pause, using his quirk-enhanced stare to shut down any more signs of whining from the class, scanning until his gaze lands on Izuku’s side of the room. When his eyes land on Izuku, flicking quickly to Kacchan in front of him, he adds. “And as I said before, you will also be responsible for maintaining spousal relationships.”
Well, that was weird.
“Spousal relationships?” Hagakure gawks. Sero follows with “Oh, yeah. The assigned partners thing. I was kinda hoping he’d forget.”
“So, like. We have to make sure we get along with our partner?” Sato attempts to clarify. “Is that right?”
“What the heck!?” Mineta shouts, alarmed and confused. Izuku assumes he’s just as terrified to try his hand at babysitting as he is the first time he had to fight real villains. “How does that help anything?!”
Oh, Mineta.
“How well you get along with your partner will also serve to simulate your ability to work with other heroes out in the field when situations calling for spontaneous team-ups arise.” The tone of Mr. Aizawa’s voice says this is all common sense, and when Izuku stops to consider all he’s laid out so far, he can’t help but agree.
Kaminari, however, wasn’t taking this well at all. “But we’re only teenagers, Mr. Aizawa!!”
“Kaminari! Contain yourself,” Yaoyorozu could no longer watch her fellow classmates experience mental breakdowns every other second. She steps in, entire speech prepared in seconds. “It makes sense when you stop to think about it. What better way to become the best heroes than through parenthood? Setting up a simulation where we must be able to meet our own most basic and hardwired human needs, as well as those same needs for a child—someone we have to take care of, almost like an injured civilian or victim. Often while out in our internships—”
While Yaoyorozu spouted away with her philosophical theories on teen-parenting, Izuku was having an internal crisis.
What if he and Kacchan were partners!
Izuku doesn’t even know how to process his feelings over the matter. Would it be good? Would it be bad? Would it be the most disastrous pairing in the history of fake parental pairings?!
Izuku doesn’t even know!
Their relationship over their time at UA had evolved into something kind of like friends. Maybe even best friends if Izuku was generous in his mind…
The truth was, Izuku didn’t know how Kacchan viewed their relationship. Sure, he was kind to Izuku. They would study together and Kacchan would stay up late with him, just to make sure he had the material down. They’d eat lunch together, dinner, too, sometimes, enjoying each other’s company even if they didn’t talk at all. Their relationship was close.
But not close enough.
He didn’t know if it would even get as close as he wanted, but maybe, this could get him a little closer?
Who knows?
On one hand, being married to Kacchan and taking care of their fake child would be a dream come true and more.
He’d get to spend all day with Kacchan, acting like they were in love, having to decide on feeding times, working together for diaper changing, bedtime routines… It would really help them if they ever became a hero duo in the future.
Then, when Baby was asleep, they might try and get at other chores. Kacchan would start on meal prep while Izuku did the laundry. He’d be sitting on the couch, folding towels and pairing socks and then he’d look up to see his handsome husband slaving over a hot meal for their dinner; just the two of them. Izuku would silently count his blessings for his wonderful life and gorgeous god of a husband. Feeling in the mood (because how could he not) he’d get up to go stand behind Kacchan, sliding his head into the crook of his neck and breathing in the smell of him after his long day. He’d wrap his hands around his waist and whisper something suggestive into his ear, something like “Hey, Kacchan. Now that the baby’s asleep, we could—”
“Mi-do-ri-ya. HelloooOOOOoooo?”
“Huh?” Izuku blinks and his fantasy fades away into darkness. He’d reach out and grab it if he didn’t know it was only a dream. Unfortunately, he’s still in class and not living in his domestic reverie with Kacchan as his sexy husband. He could cry except the tears would be pointless. Kacchan was fine with their relationship as it was.
“Oh sorry, Mineta. Did you need something?” His cheeks feel a little warm, and his eyes reverb with the sting of tears yet to come, but Mineta’s too concerned with whatever he’s bothering Izuku about to notice.
“I was asking who you think you’re gonna get paired up with. Are you okay, dude? You’re, like, totally spacing out.”
Or at least, he thought Mineta wouldn’t notice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” Izuku didn’t have time to be distracted by his fantasies. This was important! A U.A. class assignment didn’t have room for pretend play-house! Acing this assignment was just another step toward becoming a great hero. Then Izuku would be all the more closer to his somewhat-more-attainable dream of becoming a hero-duo with Kacchan. At least then he could be with Kacchan. Somehow.
But oh, how Izuku would die of happiness if he and Kacchan were paired together!
…
Except…
No. He’d forgotten about the possible cons to being Kacchan’s partner.
On the other hand, he and Kacchan had finally reached solid ground in their relationship. Getting out of the war, physical therapy and rebuilding Japan took time, so only recently had they finally gotten closer—closer to where they had been before quirks and society tore them apart. The war tore society up even more, but with that Kacchan changed. He didn’t act like he hated Izuku’s presence anymore. (Was it too much to say he enjoyed it?) What if being forced together in a spousal relationship only made things worse—bringing their one good year down in flames? What if Kacchan hated how Izuku parented, or what if Izuku couldn’t stop making googly-eyes at Kacchan and thinking about how handsome and amazing of a fake husband/dad he was that he let something happening to their child? Then Kacchan would hate him for earning them a failing grade, ruining his chance to be a hero!
If Izuku was being honest with himself, it would probably be better if he and Kacchan weren’t partners. Izuku wouldn’t want to lean in too much to the doe-eyed, doting husband role either and then risk scaring Kacchan off with his massive crush on him that he’s been harboring since he was four years old!
———————
It was decided then. It’d be best if he and Izuku weren’t partners.
The reason fuckin’ being that it would probably freak the nerd out if Katsuki accidentally slipped up and revealed he was in love with him. After all the shit he’d done in their past? Yeah, right. Izuku would probably think Katsuki was playing some kind of sick joke on him. He’d finally gotten his head out of his ass and got them to a good place. Partners was out of the question. Otherwise, then Katsuki’d be back-the-fuck where he started: miles away from Izuku-fucking-Midoriya when what he actually wanted was to be wrapped up in his strong, scarred arms. Face to face, Izuku smiling up at him, their noses brushing and their lips just centimeters apart before leaning in and—
“Alright, class. I’m going to begin calling out the spouse assignments.” Aizawa droned, with Dunce Face whining in the background, “Why do you gotta call it that?”
God, Katsuki had it bad.
It didn’t fucking matter if this was his one chance to feel like they were dating (or rather, married with children). Didn’t matter that this could be their chance to hang out more than they already did under the guise of a class assignment, where maybe they’d be forced to sleep in the same room (the same bed?). The one time Katsuki would be able to pretend that being next to Izuku in a—pretend—relationship was ok, like maybe he didn’t need to make up for being such a fucking asshole to him when they were younger (not forever, at least).
Like their past was behind them, and it was just…them. As they are now—as they could be and more.
But no. That would be selfish-Katsuki thinking only of what he wanted. Katsuki wasn’t gonna fuck up what they had going on just because he wanted something. There would be no manifesting Izuku as his partner. He and Izuku had it good and that was that. Don’t fix what ain’t finally fuckin’ broken. No fake domestic dating or marriage or what the fuck ever. He needed to stop the fucking daydreams.
Think about who else his anchor was about to be chained to.
…Maybe he’d get Round Cheeks. She’d be a decent partner. She was always down to hang with Izuku and Katsuki. She respected him and he respected her. She could probably handle the assignment with enough ease. But she might kill the thing with her mochi addiction.
Tape Arms was the most chill out of all the idiots in the class, but Katsuki’d rather electrocute himself than be pretend-married to that fuck. Kiri was way too high-energy. Electro-Dud was out of the question. The Raccoon? Still kind of a dumb-fuck, but maybe.
Aizawa’s voice catches his attention, still droning along with assignment rules when it’s all probably common sense. Only idiots would need to listen.
“There will be no whining about whoever you end up with…Mineta. And I expect you to respect your partners…Mineta.”
Maybe Katsuki would be paired up with Grape Fucker. It was the least he deserved.
———————
Everything was gonna be fine! Izuku trusted Mr. Aizawa’s decisions. He was a great teacher, and he looked out for all of his students.
He’d probably pair Izuku with someone on the opposite end of the grading curve! That was typically what teachers did for assignments like this, right? Except, Shinso being in the class meant there was an odd number. Did that mean someone was gonna be stuck with the fate of single teen-parent? Or was Mr. Aizawa gonna play a more progressive angle and introduce a polycule? No, he would say the logical option was divorced parents trying to make it work but one’s already moved on. A blended family.
Either way, whatever their teacher did with that, he most certainly would not be putting Izuku and Kacchan together. He’d already paired them up for the final and look how that turned out! Sure, they worked great during the whole battle for Japan, but school assignments and situations where they were forced to be together were different. He would never put an innocent baby (fake or not) through their occasionally stilted and harsh banter and risk traumatizing it. Maybe Izuku’d get paired up with Ashido or Kaminari? That wouldn’t be too bad, he supposed.
A little chaotic, but probably fine.
Or even Mineta would be better than Kacchan. That would keep him and his crush safe from ruining things.
This way, they could stay friends or whatever else they were. And then maybe one day, Izuku could just maybe ask Kacchan out for coffee, except Kacchan doesn’t drink coffee. Maybe a smoothie? Maybe they wouldn’t even get food, maybe they’d just go for a walk in the park. It wouldn’t be a date, just hanging out as best friends. But then maybe it’d become their routine until eventually they grew closer. Learning new things about each other that they’d never known because they were starting to be that much closer. Like how Kacchan’s eyes are a more complex shade of crimson, shades and hues varying from ruby all the way to burnt orange, shaded by light blonde lash—
“The fuck you starin’ at me for, Izuku?”
———————
Izuku offers an embarrassed smile up at Katsuki and tilts his head to the side. The instant nervous sweat and the faint blush on his cheeks tells Katsuki that he’s probably confused as to why Katsuki had turned around to look at him in the first place. Shit, he was probably making Izuku uncomfortable, what with his stupid crush on the guy. He felt like he showed how much he cared about Izuku with his actions. Making him food, doing their homework together so that Izuku wouldn’t have to struggle through integrals, sparring and offering him advice on his workout routine even though he clearly didn’t need it. But sometimes, maybe he was a little too obvious.
A lot of times, when it would just be the two of them, Izuku would get this weird look on his face and start sweating—obvious signs he was nervous. Katsuki had just assumed that was a default personality trait of his; to be a sweaty mess, like, all the fuckin’ time. But maybe it was his fault. Maybe Katsuki was being too overbearing with his stupid affection?
Even if Katsuki thought he could act normal around Izuku, that didn’t mean Izuku would want to be in a pretend relationship with him. Together. He’d probably way more prefer fucking Round Cheeks or Glasses, or even Half-n-Half. Even if Katsuki thought he’d ace this stupid assignment with no trouble, impressing Izuku with his parenting skills.
Who’s Katsuki even fucking kidding? He just knows that he’d make a fool of himself if they were paired together. Probably turn redder than Mars every time Izuku spoke to him as a fake-spouse or husband or whatever cringey-ass-domestic-shit (that set Katsuki’s heart on fire) they had to do. And then Izuku would know he was head-over-heels in love with him, and then he’d have to reject him because of course he would. What kind of jackass would bully a guy and then have the audacity to have a crush on him? Even if he did apologize, that didn’t change all he did.
Pretty fucked up shit, if you asked Katsuki…
…maybe he could beg Aizawa to pair him with Mineta?
“Kaminari and Mineta. Come to the front and receive your baby.”
And the two idiots cry out in unison. “What?!”
Shit.
———————
Statistically, Izuku knew there would be a high probability of ending up in a same-sex couple, and he was prepared for it. And he knew most of his classmates would be fine with it. Mineta however, was not. Especially when the next pair was announced.
“Yaoyorozu and Jirou. Come get your baby.” Mr. Aizawa calls the girls to the front of the class, and Izuku cringes as he hear’s Mineta’s jaw hit his desk. He prepares his ears for his classmate’s rebuttal to their teacher’s decision.
“Mr. Aizawa?!?!! Why are the girls paired together? There’s only six of them in the class!! It’s not fair!!” He’s so loud, Izuku tries to lean more forward, closer to Kacchan’s soft blonde hair, when suddenly he hears crying.
Actual crying.
Everyone in the class turns to look at Mineta’s desk, the source of the crying and sees it’s coming from the baby doll in his arms.
Mineta flushes red.
“Why would you yell with your baby in your arms?” Todoroki asks calmly.
“Please refrain from shouting around your baby,” Mr. Aizawa says, “Failure to do so will result in a failing grade.”
Izuku watches as Kaminari and Mineta both try their hardest to comfort their child, trying in vain to bring a spark back to its lifeless, beady eyes.
Izuku wishes them luck.
———————
“Uraraka and Koda.” Katsuki’s not surprised when Grape-Fuck and Dunce Face’s baby starts crying again at this announcement. He is, admittedly, a little surprised, though, when he hears it’s because one of Mineta’s tears rolled down his cheek and landed in the baby’s eye.
Katsuki’s thankful for Aizawa ignoring all the noises coming from the back of the classroom. Can’t we get this fuckin’ show on the road?
“Kirishima and Sero. Your baby.” And jesus fuck, Katsuki feels bad for that baby. Both of his friends were complete dumbasses most of the time—and would be way too lenient when it came to actually taking care of a child.
Katsuki was actually curious for who the next pair up would be. Probably fuckin’ Half-and-Half and fuckin’ Dark-Hearted-Duck. Heh, and they’d get the award for most emotionally-constipated baby. Oh, the parents this class would make.
“Midoriya and Bakugo. Come collect your baby.”
———————
“What!??!” Izuku and Katsuki yell at the same time, their eyes finding the other’s a micro-second later.
“Me and Izuku—?” Kacchan starts.
“We’re partners?!” Izuku finishes.
“But, Mr. Aizawa—!”
“There will be no changes in partner assignments. Keep in mind that you and your partner were chosen for a reason. Doubt that reason and you’ll be doubting my expertise as your teacher.”
…
“Now, since there are no more questions, you’re free to go. Congratulations to all of you and happy parenting.”
The class bell rings, and all of Class 2A filters out of the room, babies in hand. Izuku was still too dumbstruck to move. And maybe also a little scared.
But really, what was there to be scared of? Kacchan and his relationship had made leaps and bounds to where they could actually exist in a somewhat simple harmony now. In reality, he was actually excited to be paired up with his childhood friend. Maybe, just maybe, this assignment would be Izuku’s chance to show Kacchan just how great a parent he could be and impress him.
Maybe then Kacchan would love him the way he loved Kacchan?
…
“Kacchan,” he taps on the blonde’s shoulder. “I’m looking forward to being your husband.”
Izuku was hoping for a subtle delivery of excitement, not a direct confession of his secret daydreams! Ugghhh!
In response to his words, Kacchan’s eyes go wide as a blanket of red covers his face.
Shoot! He probably made Kacchan angry or embarrassed! That was definitely not what Izuku meant to say! Off to a great first start.
“Ahhaha, what I meant to say was, I’m looking forward to being your partner…for this project. Not like in a relationship. Even though we are going to be in a relationship—for this project, I mean. But just a pretend one!”
“...yeah, whatever,” Izuku’s happy and a little surprised that Kacchan lets him off with that slip up. Then again, Kacchan prides himself on getting the best grades, so it wouldn’t be like him to forgo working with Izuku on this project when that could impact his own academic performance.
Even more than ignoring a comment, Kacchan turns around in his chair to face Izuku. They eye each other for a few strange seconds before red eyes fall to the plastic doll cradled in Izuku’s arms. Green one’s fall a second later.
“So…” Kacchan starts. Izuku and their child wait with bated breath.
What’s he gonna say?
“Looks like we need to set up some basic guidelines for our…parenting strategy…this week. Do you have any objections to alternating whose room the baby stays in? Figured it could fuckin’ stay with me first.”
Wow. Kacchan was actually taking this seriously!
“Oh, yeah. But before that, I have a few notes. The night-time routine does need to be discussed, but shouldn’t we have a name for the baby first? So we can refer to…them as something?”
“No fuckin’ baby names. Next.”
Or not. Maybe Izuku will workshop that one himself.
“Okay, well, then the night-time thing. I think it would be beneficial if both parents were in the room when…Baby is asleep.”
Kacchan looks at him like he’s crazy. “The fuck? You sayin’ we need to have fuckin’ family sleepovers? Why?” His face is starting to get red again, oh gosh!
Izuku just gives him an exasperated look. “Kacchan, I’m not trying to be difficult here. It’s just…otherwise it’ll be like we’re divorced. The baby, as technologically advanced as I’m sure Hatsume could make it, will probably be able to sense things like that. Like when we’re together…and stuff.” Together.
Kacchan huffs and looks out to the window, like he’s thinking or trying to compose himself so that he doesn’t let off an explosion and scare the—
Loud and immediate crying sounds and echoes against the walls and ceiling of their classroom.
“What the fuck!”
“Kacchan! Don’t cuss in front of the baby!”
“Fuck you! My mom cussed all the time. Even when you were around! ‘M not gonna stop for some dumb doll.”
The crying only gets louder and more ear-piercing the more Kacchan yells. Obviously.
Already such a great start…
“Fine, Kacchan!” Izuku tries—he tries so hard—to keep his voice at a reasonable volume while also trying to speak over the doll he’s now swaying back and forth in his arms. “Cussing’s fine. Just. Stop. Yelling! You’re scaring the baby!”
And yeah, this isn’t working. He’s starting to get a headache from the screaming. Izuku stands up, shaking and swaying the baby at a speed he thinks is probably fine. Oh my god, the crying is so loud!!
“I’m scaring the baby?!” Kacchan whisper-yells. He jumps to his feet and swipes the crying—screaming—bundle from Izuku’s arms. “You’re the fucking one trying to shake its brains into mush.”
Kacchan, somewhat expertly, Izuku would say, makes a kind of shh, shh sound in the direction of the baby’s plastic ear, holding them in his arms close as he sways slower than Izuku was. And while he’s still whisper-yelling and his face is in a half-scowl, he looks…amazing.
He looks like he’s trying.
He’s trying so much. And he’s trying with Izuku. Like he wants them and their family to work out.
As the crying slowly comes to a stop, Kacchan’s eyes find Izuku’s again, and he steps closer. His red eyes stare deep into Izuku’s soul.
“My room or yours?”
———————
Katsuki walks in front of Izuku the whole way back to the dorm, with the stupid fucking doll in his hands, too. It stinks like ass, which must mean it fucking shit itself, which—how the fuck that’s possible when they haven’t even fed it is beyond Katsuki. But seeing as he could use this chance to prove just how much he cares about Izuku, he’ll take diaper duty first.
He doesn’t know what it means, but Izuku’s quiet the entire way back, save for when they bumped into the new resident lesbians who were watching their doll lay lifeless on its back on one of those stupid baby play mats with the fucking hanging toys and shitty mirror. Shit was fuckin’ deluxe, too. Ponytail probably made it, showing off to her girlfriend—no, Katsuki was not jealous—and the nerd was fucking on pins and needles to inspect the quality of the damn thing. It was cute and all—Izuku, not the fuckin’ piece of shit toy—and Katsuki took care of the baby while he went and prodded about it, but then his scarred, freckly face and big-ass bug eyes scared the dumb piece of plastic so much that it started crying. It was actually pretty funny, and Katsuki’s always loved when the nerd got all passionate about quirks.
But, instead of saying any of that, and because he’s nervous and reverting to anger and irritation, Katsuki may have said,
“Way to fucking go, Dweeb.”
Yeah, that may have been a mistake, but Katsuki could still fix it. Somehow and eventually.
They’d settled on his dorm, solely because Izuku was concerned that with Katsuki never having slept in Izuku’s room, he might accidentally knock over one of his All Might figurines, which could then accidentally poke out one of the baby’s eyes…or something stupid along those lines.
But that meant that Izuku was sleeping in Katsuki’s dorm. They’d be sleeping in the same room. Alone.
He had the feeling he wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.
“Kacchan?”
Izuku’s voice spurs Katsuki into opening his door, instead of just standing there with a stank-ass baby in his arms stinking up the whole floor.
“Was just thinkin’ where the thing would sleep,” he lies.
They go in and Katsuki immediately starts clearing a space for diaper changing—does he have diapers? Did Aizawa give them supplies for this? He doesn’t fuckin’ know—he can feel his husband partner just standing there, taking in Katsuki’s room like he would a new quirk.
Katsuki hopes he’s impressed. With what? Katsuki doesn’t know. For some reason, Izuku still hadn’t made it into his room since they moved into dorms. His room shows about as much personality as he lets of his own come out, if that says anything.
“So, if you’re fine with the baby for a sec, I’ll just run down to my room and get some blankets for me tonight. And I guess the baby. Where do you think she should sleep?”
Fuckin’ thinks he’s gonna sleep on the floor. Would it be too much to offer his bed?
“Izuku.”
“Right!” But he’s too jumpy. This isn’t right. He shouldn’t be this nervous.
“What’s the matter, nerd? Why’re you so nervous? Hang out all the time, don’t we?” Katsuki, in favor of this conversation, has laid the dumb doll on the desk hoping that it can read a room and shut the fuck up for a second.
Izuku sighs, “I know, Kacchan. I guess…there’s just a lot to take in.” He’s lying, but about what, Katsuki’s not sure. “And I know I was the one who brought up sleeping together.” That sentence picks Katsuki’s heart rate up a few paces. “I-I mean! Suggested sleeping in the s-same room. But I’d feel bad if I impeded on your sleep schedule. I tend to stay up late. Which I guess you already know but like, now I’ll never leave—or, I mean, of course I’ll leave eventually! Just, with the assignment and the baby, we’ll be going at it all night.”
Katsuki’s eyes actually widen at that one. What the hell? How many freudian slips does it take before it becomes the truth?
“Aahahah, no that’s not what I meant! Ughhhh!” Izuku shoves his face in his hands, then starts dragging them through his curls. “Please just ignore everything I’m—”
On cue and with impeccable fucking timing, the stupid dumpy infant next to him starts crying out like it’s being mauled by a bear. Katsuki can be a dramatic-ass sometimes, but he’s pretty sure he’s never this fuckin’ dramatic.
This is horrible.
Izuku rushes over at the sound, but as soon as he gets within a few feet of the thing, his freckled nose scrunches up, one hand flying up to cover his face. “Oh my god, what’s that smell, Kacchan?”
Katsuki has to count to ten before speaking, and with great struggle, he remembers to keep his voice down. “The fucking thing shit itself,” he says through gritted teeth. This thing’s gonna give him a migraine.
“What?! She hasn’t even eaten!”
“I don’t fucking know, Izuku!” And then they hear whining in the room next to them, as well as someone saying Ewww! “Guess they sent all the fuckin’ things off with a shit-loaded colon!”
“Do we have diapers?!”
“Fuck no!” he yells, forgetting his baby-side manner. It, obviously, doesn’t make anything better. If anything, the baby starts crying harder.
“How long have they been sitting there!??” Izuku yells also, the whole room fucking screaming at the top of their lungs. “Has it been five minutes already?!”
Instead of answering that, Katsuki picks up the thing, holding it out like a stinky rodent. The thing didn’t throw itself out the window, so probably not. Izuku checks the diaper, pulling back almost immediately with a green face and bulging cheeks.
“Hurrgh, what is that? Why is there actual—”
Actual baby shit. What the fuck?
Katsuki grinds his teeth, trying to shake the baby as he holds it at arm's length. Too fuckin’ stinky! “Who the fuck knows or cares! Just go find some diapers and wipes. How the fuck does Aizawa ‘spect us to do anything with no supplies?! Normally, there’s time to fuckin’ prepare before you have one of these stupid things!”
“Uh-uh…?” Katsuki watches as Izuku looks around like maybe Katsuki’s got baby supplies hidden in his room, but then he seems to finally get his brain working. “Yeah, I’ll go find some. I’ll…be right back!” In a flash, Izuku’s out the door, leaving Katsuki alone with this stupid plastic baby and its turd.
He eyes the bathroom as the screaming continues.
There’s no way he can wait for Izuku to get back.
———————
Izuku was lucky enough that he didn’t have to run all the way back to meet Yaoyorozu in the courtyard, as her and Jirou and their plus-one were on their way back inside the dorms. He apologized profusely and added that he would definitely pay her back for helping him make all the baby stuff, it was just…a very desperate situation.
It was a good thing, too, because Izuku wasn’t really feeling the best about leaving Kacchan alone with their stinky baby. But he knew he could handle it and that’s why he’d married him—er, I mean, love’s him. Has a crush on him. Yeah…
Izuku shakes the slip-up out of his head, opening the door to Kacchan’s room, and he’s surprised he doesn’t hear any crying. Did Kacchan actually have baby diapers somewhere hidden in his room? It shouldn’t surprise him that much—Kacchan is amazing after all.
Opening the door slowly, he peeks his head in and sees Kacchan sitting on the edge of his bed, massaging his temples. He sees that Baby is asleep on his desk, surrounded by a border of pillows to keep her from rolling off.
“Psst, Kacchan.”
Kacchan sees him and gets up, walking over to the door as Izuku comes in, bag of pillows and blankets and baby supplies in tow.
“Didn’t take you long.” Kacchan eyes his haul, whispering. “Where’d you get the baby shit from?” He closes the door behind Izuku, and Izuku has to resist the urge to swoon at his partner’s chivalry. He’s just shutting the door, Izuku. Get a hold of yourself! He sets his bag down, grabbing a few pillows out of it and throwing more on the ground under the baby’s perch…just in case.
“Yaoyorozu helped me out. How’d you get him to stop crying, though?” He moves over to see their child asleep (or at least unconscious with its eyes open) and a piece of cloth wrapped around its bottom.
“Kacchan!” Izuku whispers frantically, “Are these safety pins? What if they accidentally stabbed Baby?!
“Izuku, it’s a fuckin’ cloth diaper! It’s better for the environment anyway, and we can reuse them and save fuckin’ money and time. ‘T’s fuckin’ smarter that the disposable ones, and that’s how my parents took care of my ass, and I was fine! One poke and it’ll learn to stop fucking around.”
“He’s an infant, Kacchan!”
“Fucking—!” Kacchan closes his eyes, breathing a few times like he does when he’s feeling stressed. “Can we go out in the hall and talk about this? Don’t wanna wake the fuckin’ thing.”
They move out into the hall, Izuku scooting out the door cautiously eyeing their child on the desk. Kacchan almost bumps into him as he tries to not slam his door for once. When he’s out of the room, he sighs and Izuku’s heart almost leaps out of his throat. This is just like a marital spat.
“Lots of fuckin’ babies wear cloth diapers. The thing’ll be fine. We’ll only be stuck with it for a week and ain’t no way am I gonna have a surplus of fuckin’ Genki!s in my dorm.”
Izuku sighs, too. Maybe he’s over-thinking some parts of this assignment. He can trust Kacchan to make some decisions for the baby. “Oh, that’s a good point. Ok, so then night-time routine. We didn’t finish discussing our…sleeping arrangements.” And oh, this might be a big leap but here’s hoping. “I was thinking that, well…we used to sleep together during sleepovers…so maybe we could share—”
“The hell,” Kacchan grumbles, cutting Izuku’s sentence straight down the middle. Izuku tries to catch his gaze but he’s looking down at his shoes, hiding his emotion, so Izuku can’t see the most-likely-disgust on his face. “Why would I wanna sleep in the same bed as you?”
Oh.
That one kinda stings.
“Right.” He says, clipped and short. Unfortunately, Izuku isn’t as good at hiding his emotions. They leak out in his voice, shine through in his eyes, take over his face. “No worries, Kacchan. I get it. It was a stupid idea anyway.” He sniffles, trying to keep the sound quiet but not sure he manages.
He hears his partner take a sharp breath, make a questioning noise, but Izuku can’t tear his eyes away from his teardrop-stained shoes. “Not all couples sleep in the same bed, anyway,” he sniffles again. “Right? Maybe I have to work late and don’t wanna disturb you?” He tries to laugh his way through, but knows how pathetic he must sound. “Or maybe you snore and I can’t take it.” That’s a lie. Even if Kacchan snored, Izuku would never want to sleep in separate rooms because of it.
“Izuku,” Kacchan tries, because he is a good friend, Izuku was just crossing a line he didn’t know was still there. “I didn’t—shit. That’s not—”
“Excuse me, Kacchan. I gotta go do something.”
And then he runs away.