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“Oshi-san, I-I gotta talk t’ya ‘bout somethin’...”
Shu pauses the soft roaring of his sewing machine, and the Handicraft Club room falls silent. He slides the garment out from under the needle, carefully examining his work before setting it aside. It feels odd for Mika to see him still engrossing himself in sewing when he knows he’ll be graduating soon. The thought reminds him it won’t be long before Shu is leaving Japan to attend university several countries away from him. Mika swallows a hard lump in his throat as Shu picks up more pinned fabric, pausing before he begins to sew them together.
“Yes?” Shu glances at him expectantly. “What is it?”
Mika stands in the middle of the room, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He’s not really sure where to start with this conversation, but he knows it needs to happen somehow. Once Shu leaves, he isn’t sure how soon he’ll be able to return from France, and quite frankly, Mika isn’t sure he can wait much longer to bring this up. He considers sitting down before he begins speaking. But, he ultimately decides against it. If he somehow upsets Shu, he needs to be able to escape immediately to give him space. Shu squints at him as he opens and closes his mouth, trying to find the right words to say but being repeatedly left unsatisfied with any that come to mind.
“You’re looking quite pale,” Shu observes, looking Mika up and down. “Are you feeling sick, Kagehira? I keep telling you to eat proper meals if you’re going to be working those part-time jobs so much.”
Mika tilts his head a little at the statement. Where Shu would usually scold him, he sounds more like a concerned parent. Lately, he’s been more openly worried about him than usual, and while he’s still quick to get irritated and is as much of a perfectionist as ever, Shu has been generally nicer overall, especially since the recent Repayment Festival. Mika isn’t quite sure what to make of it all, but his caring attentiveness has surely been making him flustered.
“Nah, I’m okay…” Mika shakes his head, feeling his heart race a little more than it already is. “I just had lunch with Naru-chan. This’s…’bout somethin’ else…”
Shu’s brow furrows. “Have you broken something again?”
Mika’s eyes widen as he’s accused, throwing his hands up and waving them anxiously. “N-No! I swear I didn’t!”
“Why do you look so serious, then?” Shu’s face falls slightly. “Are you…dissatisfied with something? Have I done something to upset you?”
A pit of dread lodges itself in Mika’s stomach.
In addition to Shu’s openness, he’s been frequently asking about Mika’s input on things. If it’s not about unit-related activities, outfit-designing, or other artistic pursuits, it often sounds like Shu assumes he’s done something wrong or upset him. While Shu has always been saying weird things about Mika being better off as a human, lately he’s been treating him even less like a doll. If it weren’t for how much he’s also been complimenting Mika and valuing his thoughts, he’d likely think Shu is trying to push him away.
It scares him to think about since not being around Shu is truly the last thing he wants. Mika has rarely ever taken anything negative that Shu has said to him to heart, often finding him more amusing than anything, and he’s done so much for Mika, he can’t imagine ever wanting to leave his side. Even if he didn’t feel anything for him.
“Nnaah, Oshi-san! It’s got nothin’ t’do with that, really…” He fiddles with the hems of his black sleeves to mask the shakiness of his hands.
“Well, don’t just stand there and let me guess,” Shu says, a hint of irritation in his voice. “What is it that you wish to tell me?”
“U-Uh, well…” Mika hesitantly starts, slightly afraid of Shu’s possible reaction and frankly unsure of where to begin. “There’s somethin’...I’ve been keepin’ from ya. Like a secret…?”
“A secret?” Shu tilts his head at him. “What kind of secret?”
“About me.” Mika takes a deep breath, and it’s shaky on the exhale. “I-I’m not what ya probably think I am…”
He frowns at his word choice, how it sounds as if he’s not a person but a thing— some kind of oddity for the world to ogle at and ridicule. But, he’s not really sure how else to lead into it without simply saying it. Which he’s figuring out is actually incredibly difficult. Shu gives him a confused look but continues to stay silent, patiently waiting for him to finish. Mika decides he’ll just have to pull off the bandage.
“Nnah, I-I mean! What I’m try’na say is. I’m a guy, obviously, but…” Mika cringes as he ultimately picks an unsatisfactory word, “I was actually born as a…g-girl.”
Shu’s eyes widen, and Mika thinks his heart is going to beat out of his chest.
“I-I’ve been takin’ testosterone fer a while, which is why I look all boyish.” Mika continues, finding himself babbling out of nervousness. “I wanted ta tell ya ‘cuz. W-Well, I trust ya. An’...” He pauses, unsure if he should say the next part. “I-I’ve noticed some things ‘bout ya that make me wonder if…maybe w-we’re the s-same?”
As soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, he regrets it. He feels as if he’s overstepped a boundary he shouldn’t have even known existed, but at the same time, he craves to be able to share this with Shu, craves to really know him and relate to him in this way. It’s one thing to have Arashi, who (in a way) understands, and fully supports him, but her experience just isn’t the same. And, maybe sharing this with Shu will allow them to become closer and for Mika to understand him better…
Mika anxiously stares at the floor, afraid to look at Shu’s face, but when it’s quiet for a second too long, he can’t help himself. Shu is surprisingly calm, squinting at a loose button on the table as he fiddles with it, seemingly in deep thought. Mika nearly startles when Shu slaps it flat onto the wood and turns to meet his gaze.
“Y-Yes,” Shu simply says, “I suppose…you could say that.”
Shu is an enigma to Mika.
He is very beautiful, that much is clear. Mika has always felt undeniably attracted to him. His soft, pink hair flowing in the spotlight, his sharp, amethyst eyes emanating an air of pride, and the grace he moves his powerful body with absolutely mesmerizes him. However, Mika has also found himself feeling a little envious of Shu on more than one occasion, fixated on his height, how broad his build is, or his boxy figure which corsets seem to hug so perfectly, somehow accentuating his masculine silhouette despite its usual purpose.
He’s always seen what Shu has as something mostly unattainable. After all, there’s only so much hormones can do for him. It’s not as if he is constantly comparing himself to Shu, but through his constant admiration of him, he is always reminded of the fact that their bodies are very different from one another.
Or so Mika had thought.
The first time he second-guesses himself is during one of their usual mornings while getting ready for school. Mika struggles to find his sweater vest as he’s getting dressed, somehow having misplaced it, a bad habit he can’t seem to shake. It’s nowhere to be found in his room, so he decides to ask Shu if he’s seen it. Shu is typically long since out of bed and going about his day before Mika is, so he doesn’t think to warn him before opening Shu’s bedroom door.
“Oshi-san!” He enters the room. “Have ya seen my-”
The immediate sight of Shu pulling off his pajama shirt knocks the wind out of Mika’s lungs.
For one, Mika has never seen Shu’s bare torso before, and his skin looks so smooth and distracting. It’s shocking to see, even if he’s definitely spent several nights dreaming of the skin beneath Shu’s clothes. The dips and ridges along his spine are much prettier than he could have ever imagined. But, he also catches a glimpse of something he probably should not have seen. Heat rushes to his face when he notices a very prominent yet small, soft shape on Shu’s chest. Mika quickly slaps his hand over his mismatched eyes, heat rapidly rushing to his face.
“K-Kagehira!” Shu yelps, covering his front with his shirt as he turns his back to him. “Would you care to knock before barging in?!”
“S-Sorry, Oshi-san! It’s okay, I didn’t see nothin’!” Mika turns away, still covering his eyes, and tightens his grip on the doorknob. “I thought ya’d be all ready by now! Sorry, sorry!”
“Shut the door! Whatever it is can wait until I’m dressed!”
“R-Right, sorry!”
Mika practically slams the door shut. In a panic, he runs across the hall to his room and shuts his door. Mika lies back against it, heart thudding hard in his chest. As much as he wills himself to forget it, the image of Shu’s bare skin continues to flash through his mind. He feels a little dirty thinking about it, like he’s violating his unitmate’s privacy, but he can’t help but feel a little confused.
He only saw him for a moment, and Shu hadn’t been facing him, but he could see his chest from the side. It was enough for Mika to know that isn’t what a cisgender man’s chest usually looks like, at least not for someone of Shu’s figure. He looked a little bigger than Mika, which is saying a lot since the testosterone injections made him lose some fat in his chest.
Does that mean…?
Mika shakes the thought out of his head. Maybe his brain just hasn’t fully awoken with him yet and he was simply seeing things that weren’t really there. While Shu has never fully changed in front of Mika, he’s seen him shed layers after their lives before, and Shu always looks flat-chested. Surely, with how much he finds himself staring at Shu, he’d have noticed if something more was going on there.
He kicks off the door, willing his distracting thoughts away as he glances at the clock. It’s almost time for them to leave the house, so he’s quickly running out of time to get ready. Shu is likely already upset from Mika barging into his room, so he rushes to collect his things before Shu scolds him again for making them late. As he runs over to his backpack, he notices something sticking out of it. He tugs at a familiar gray fabric— the vest he had been looking for. He truly must be tired if he didn’t think to check such an obvious place. If he only thought to do so before bothering Shu, then he wouldn’t have accidentally invaded his privacy…
A sudden knock on his door startles Mika, making him jump nearly a foot in the air. “I-It’s open!”
Shu peeks into the room from around the door, far less disheveled. “Were you looking for something?”
“Nnah, yeah!” Mika pulls his vest out of his bag, pulling it over his head. “I found it! S-Sorry, Oshi-san…”
“Right. Well, then…” Shu sighs, waving a hand at him. “Hurry and finish getting ready, or I’ll be leaving without you.”
He shuts the door with only the usual amount of exasperation, returning to their daily routine. It seems Shu is either not that angry with him or opts to forget what happened a few moments ago. Mika tries to swallow his worry and throws his bag over his shoulder, beginning to follow after him. If Shu isn’t making a big deal out of it then Mika must have been seeing things. He knows he would be incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable if anyone saw his bare chest due to his own situation, so Shu must really not be like him after all…
Mika’s suspicion had faded with his sleepiness that morning. Shu also never brings it up again so Mika has no reason to dwell on the accident. Thankfully, he forgets it even happened at all.
At least, he does for a while.
It isn’t until he’s doing laundry a few weeks later that he finds himself remembering it. Naturally, Shu is very picky about how he treats his clothing. Different materials need to be washed or dried in a certain way or else they can deteriorate or completely fall apart over time. Not to mention, a lot of his clothing he makes himself, and who would Shu be if not someone who preserves his art? So, it’s not odd for Mika to enter the laundry room and find some of Shu’s clothes left hanging by the window to air dry. He often gets so caught up in his sewing projects that he’ll accidentally leave them hanging for longer than necessary, and by the looks of it, his clothes have indeed long since dried.
Once Mika finishes dumping his dirty clothes into the washer, he decides he’ll save Shu the trouble of coming back later and begins folding his clothes for him. He goes through a couple of shirts before catching sight of an unfamiliar crimson fabric. The garment looks too small to be a shirt, and at first glance, it doesn’t appear to be a part of any of their unit outfits. Mika picks it up to get a better look, and once he does, he nearly drops it onto the floor, juggling it for a moment before barely catching it in time.
It looks exactly like the chest binders Mika uses.
Of course, the craftsmanship is better. He knows a Shu creation when he sees it; he’s definitely made this garment himself. Mika runs his hand over the fabric, briefly admiring the stitching, and he pulls at the fabric a little to test it. Most of it is made with a stretchy material, whereas the front of the piece is stiffer with little to no give. It’s clearly made for compression. He would almost wonder if Shu suspected him if not for the fact that it’s clearly not Mika’s size.
It's Shu's.
The image of Shu undressing pops into his head again, and his heart hammers in his chest. Perhaps Mika’s thought had been right. If that’s true, then he wasn’t supposed to see this. It had been buried underneath the other clothes Shu had left to dry for a reason. He wasn’t meant to find it.
He isn’t meant to know.
The logical part of Mika’s brain attempts to rationalize it. He doesn’t know everything about sewing clothing as Shu has only taught him the basics. Maybe the garment is meant to serve as a pattern for something else, or it’s part of a bigger project and this is simply the base, or maybe it’s meant to be worn with a corset. However, no matter how he looks at it, turning it around in his hands, closely examining and anxiously searching with amber and lapis, none of it makes sense. He can’t get over its compressing material. No one would need something like this unless they…
“Kagehira!”
A squeak leaves Mika’s mouth as he’s startled, and gut-wrenching adrenaline flows through his veins and down to his legs. He turns around, expecting to see a furious Shu, but he finds an empty room instead. The washing machine continues turning with its rhythmic clack-clack-clack. Slower than the vigorous beating of Mika’s heart, and louder than the deafening silence.
“Kagehira, where have you gone?” Shu distantly calls from some other part of the house.
Realizing he hasn’t been caught yet, Mika quickly leaves everything the way he first found it. He unfolds all of the clothes and struggles with shaky hands to leave them perfectly neat. The white uniform shirt on the left, the black blouse on the right. He carefully lays the last shirt back over the binder and runs out of the room. Mika shuts the door, panting.
“There you are.”
Mika jolts at Shu’s voice as the latter turns the corner at the end of the hall. He pauses at the sight of his sharp eyes examining him. Suddenly, Mika is very aware of the soft, round shape of Shu’s face and his gentle hands combing through his own hair, thin fingers scarred by sewing needle pokes, a stressed habit.
“Did you not hear me repeatedly calling for you?” Shu irritably asks, reminding Mika he has yet to say anything.
“Nnah, s-sorry, Oshi-san. I didn’t hear ya over the sound of the washer…” Mika hides his shaky hands behind his back. “W-What’s wrong?”
“I just need your assistance with preparing dinner.” Shu squints at him, glancing between him and the door. “…Are you seriously out of breath from doing the laundry?”
“Nnah…” His eyes widen. “I-I’m just feelin’ a little lightheaded' is all. But, I’ll come help right now!”
“Honestly, Kagehira. You really should be taking better care of your body.” Shu sighs as Mika power walks towards him. “I don’t trust you with a knife in your hand if you’re feeling unwell, so I suppose I’ll handle the vegetable cutting then. You can start by taking care of the rice.”
“‘K-Kay, I’ll get right on it, Oshi-san…!”
Shu’s brow furrows as he pauses to once him over, but he must not notice Mika’s nervousness being more intense than usual. He nonchalantly turns to head back to the kitchen, and Mika trails behind him, sighing a bit in relief. Upon entering the kitchen, he ritualistically goes to scoop some rice, still with shaky hands, and prepares to wash it.
As he runs the faucet’s water over the grains, he desperately tries to forget about the crimson garment buried in the laundry room, focusing on the clack-clack-clack of Shu’s knife slicing carrots on the cutting board beside him.
Even after a few months, Mika is unable to forget about the garment he found, which he finds disappointing but not surprising.
It’s been distracting him so much, he can hardly focus on his school work. Much to his chagrin, Mika finds himself still staring at one of his assignments in the later evening. It’s closing in on the end of the school year, so he’s already been slacking off more than he should. Tonight, he had every intention of being a little more productive before going to bed, but it’s clearly been to no avail. As he idly plays with his pencil, homework long forgotten, a single, non-academic question continues to plague him instead.
Does he really have more in common with Shu than he thought?
Mika can’t get it off his mind— the deepness of his voice, the hard lines of his body, the elegance he carries himself with. Really, it’s none of his business what Shu has going on, but he is just so beautiful and unabashedly himself, he can’t help being enamored by him. It’s not like Mika is ashamed of who he is, but he faces difficulty in trying to express himself with as much confidence as Shu. He finds him inspiring.
Mika can’t help but think it would be incredibly comforting for the one he looks up to the most, the one he longs for the most, to share such a complex experience with him. The more Mika considers it, the more it begins to make sense. Shu has always been a bit untraditional when it comes to gender expression. He often wears eyeliner even off stage, and his clothing typically hugs his figure (much to Mika’s enjoyment). The unit outfits Shu created in the past also always had a mix of masculine and feminine silhouettes and accessories. He clearly has interest in more androgynous fashion, even making Nazuna’s unit outfit a dress when he was still a Valkyrie member.
Mika’s pencil falls softly onto his notebook.
Nazuna. There was something he once said. It was so long ago now, he’s surprised it even popped into his head. Out of his sheer frustration, Mika has unfortunately forced himself to forget most of their memories together, so for the life of him, he cannot remember the context. But, he is absolutely sure Nazuna once used “they” in reference to Shu before he lost his voice.
He and Shu had been close prior to Mika joining Valkyrie, so if Nazuna were to know, it would make sense. The idea makes Mika sick to his stomach, that Shu may have felt comfortable telling Nazuna but not him. The thought that they had achieved that level of closeness makes his chest hurt. He wants Shu to feel that comfortable with him and wants him to know that he will always be there for him. And, not only that but…
He wishes Shu would look only at him.
It’s a selfish wish, really. Shu has already done so much for him, more than he could likely ever repay. He allowed him to join Valkyrie, his precious work of art. He took him under his wing, spending valuable time he could have used elsewhere on teaching him new skills. He dressed him all nice and pretty for their live shows. He even cared for him through routine maintenance, and he gave him a place to stay, making him feel like he finally belonged somewhere.
But most of all, he gave him a home— a sense of what it’s like to love and be loved in return, unconditionally. Although Shu has not been one to outrightly show his affection, and has a tendency to be more harsh and cold, it is clear through his actions that he’s always cared a great deal about Mika. He’s not sure how he couldn’t have fallen for him. It would probably have made his life a lot easier if he didn’t though, considering how unlikely it is that Shu loves him in the same way that he does…
Mika sighs, realizing he’s clearly not going to get any more work done. Before he ruminates any further, he decides he should start getting ready for bed. He quickly changes into his pajamas and heads out to the bathroom in the hall. Though, upon entering, he remembers he ran out of toothpaste this morning. He whines to himself, having completely forgotten to get a new one on his way home earlier. He’s so distracted lately, it’s almost comical.
Mika walks back into the hall and finds Shu’s bedroom door left ajar. Shu must still be awake. Despite the door technically being open, he knocks, forcing himself to create the habit.
“Oshi-san?” He sheepishly peeks into the room to find Shu sitting in bed and reading a book, a nightly ritual of his. Shu doesn’t look away from the page but gives him an acknowledging hum. “I ran outta toothpaste. Can I use some’a yers?”
“There should be an extra in my bathroom,” Shu says, too absorbed in whatever he’s reading to complain about Mika’s negligence. “Just take it.”
Mika perks up. “Really? Thanks, Oshi-san!”
Shu gives him another hum as Mika disappears into his bathroom, shutting the door to prevent himself from bothering him any more than he must.
The room still faintly smells of Shu’s body wash from his earlier shower. It makes Mika feel at ease since he associates the scent so much with the comfort of Shu’s presence. He reaches to open one side of the medicine cabinet, but he only finds some of Shu’s hair care and skin care products. Opening the other side, he finds the extra tube of toothpaste he’d been looking for, letting out a little triumphant noise. However, as he reaches for it, he notices a vial on the shelf above it that makes him freeze.
Amber and lapis hone in on a single bolded word on the label: testosterone.
He blinks. Surely, he’s misreading it. He rubs his eyes and looks again. But, there it sits, unchanging, resembling the exact kind of vial Mika has held in his own hands several times over. Distantly, the events he’s been mulling over for the past few months replay in his mind. Accidentally walking in on Shu changing, finding the chest binder in his laundry, analyzing his clothing styles of interest and old memories with Nazuna— everything pieces together as if forming a completed jigsaw puzzle.
Shock. That’s the only way Mika could possibly describe what he feels right now. Having kept himself up late for countless nights trying to convince himself that he’s imagining things, and that he should forget everything he’s been overthinking these past few months, it almost feels equally crazy to think he’d been right the entire time. While it’s something that he hoped for, he can’t help but feel paralyzed with fear.
Because Shu hasn’t told him.
Normally, this would be perfectly fine. Mika is not entitled to know every secret Shu holds, especially if it’s something very personal. Except he knows this. And he’s not supposed to know.
Mika snatches the toothpaste and shuts the cabinet, maybe a bit more forceful than necessary. He suddenly feels like he’s being far too intrusive, and standing in Shu’s personal bathroom isn’t helping. With the item that started all of this now in his possession, he gently opens the door. Thankfully, Shu remains blissfully unaware of Mika’s discovery, nose still buried in his book in the comfort of his bed, so Mika takes the opportunity to quietly leave. He focuses intently on the door, hand meeting the doorknob.
“...Kagehira?”
Mika nearly jumps out of his skin. “Y-Yeah, Oshi-san?”
“Don’t stay up too late,” Shu reminds him. “You seem more exhausted recently, and I want you in good shape for our practice tomorrow.”
“E-Er, right,” Mika answers quickly, “Y-Yeah, I’ll rest soon. G’night, Oshi-san…”
“Sleep well, Kagehira,” Shu says, voice softened by fatigue.
It’s the sort of softness in his voice that makes Mika’s heart do a weird flip in his chest. He’s suddenly struck between wanting to run away from Shu, afraid of invading his space, and wanting to make up an excuse about how he should sleep in his bed tonight, just so he can cuddle up against his back. He forces the thought away and closes Shu’s door. As he returns to the emptiness of his own bed, he wonders if he’ll even be able to sleep at all tonight.
And yet, for the first time in months, Mika indeed sleeps soundly.
Mika had spent weeks deciding whether he should talk with Shu.
Much of that time was spent going through every possible turn the conversation could take. His insecurity often got the better of him, his brain naturally filling with worst-case scenarios. Most involved Shu kicking him out, forcibly resigning him from Valkyrie, and essentially throwing him away for the rest of his life. The events leading up to the recent Repayment Festival certainly didn’t help, what with Shu demanding he return to his hometown (although they established that was never what Shu really wanted in the end). In less dire cases, he imagined Shu being unconcerned, haughty even, giving Mika a speech about how useless gender norms are and how they’re just another thing the masses attempt to poison society with.
Regardless, never in any of Mika’s iterations did he expect Shu to answer him so simply. He’s a bit shocked, having thought he would at least be angry with him for invading his privacy. However, Shu is quicker to bring this up than he is, almost as if reading his mind.
“That night when you…opened the cabinet in the bathroom,” Shu starts, and Mika is instantly brought back to a few weeks ago. “You saw it, right?”
“T-The vial?”
Shu slowly nods, and Mika’s stomach twists.
“Yeah…” He pauses, mulling over another situation that has been eating at him. “There was another time, too. I found a binder in the laundry room that wasn’t mine. But, I didn’t wanna mention it ‘cuz I wasn’t sure if I was makin’ stuff up in my head or not.” For some reason, Mika’s throat begins to choke up. “‘M s-sorry, Oshi-san. I-I really didn’t mean ta pry…!”
“Kagehira…” Shu sighs and stands, stepping away from his now forgotten work. “There’s no need to apologize. Since we’re often around each other, and even live together, something like this was bound to happen eventually.” He pauses, a somewhat pained expression forming on his face. “If anything, I should be the one apologizing since you couldn’t hear it from me first.”
Mika frowns. The last thing he wanted was to make Shu feel bad for not telling him. The very thought makes his stomach twist into a big knot.
“Ya shouldn’t be sorry fer that. It really wasn’t any of my business…an’ I get it, yanno? I-It’s not really somethin’ ya talk ‘bout so casually.”
Shu nods, thoughtfully, eyes trailing from Mika to the floor. There’s another pause between them, but this time, significantly less tension hangs in the air. Mika’s shoulders fall, and for the first time today, he feels as if he can finally breathe properly.
“I feel very grateful that you were comfortable enough to share that with me,” Shu breaks the silence, and he shakes his head. “I would have done the same, but…I was worried it would somehow change your perception of me. As you think so highly of me and look up to me.” He sighs, and there’s an unusual candidness in his voice. “I suppose I didn’t want your image of me to be…ruined.”
Mika blinks at him.
“R-‘Ruined’?” He echoes, tilting his head in surprise.
The implication makes him want to laugh, but given the serious nature of their conversation, he stops himself. To think Shu of all people has felt as insecure as Mika about something that makes them both so undeniably and equally human…it almost sounds preposterous. For most of Mika’s life, he thought of Shu as being akin to a perfect, otherworldly being, like a god. Now, however, seeing him voice his insecurity somehow makes Mika feel a little more confident about becoming human himself. Although Shu cutting his strings was a decision that initially made Mika feel so disconnected from him, it may actually be bringing them closer together. Perhaps, he doesn’t have to be as scared about obtaining humanity as he once thought.
“Yanno I wouldn’t ever think that ‘bout ya, Oshi-san. I mean, ya’ve done so much fer me. Ya took me in, made me pretty things, gave me so many nice experiences, an’ ya gave me a home…” Mika trails off. He glances around the very room they stand in, vaguely realizing he’s going to miss standing in a place filled with so many beautiful memories they created together. “There’s no way I could throw all’a that away...”
The pained expression on Shu’s face softens, and his mouth opens as if to say something, but Mika continues, interrupting him.
“But I know how it feels ta think ya’d be disappointin’,'' he says, fiddling with the hair that rests against his nape. “I was afraid of tellin’ ya fer so long cuz I didn’t want ya ta think I was…well, gross. Or…unrefined?” Mika shrugs and shakes his head. “I was just afraid ya might decide someone like me didn’t belong in Valkyrie an’ that ya’d throw me away, so I get it.”
Mika shrinks into himself. He feels a little embarrassed voicing all of his own fears aloud now, unsure about how Shu might react to them. Most of his hesitancy to mention his identity came from a place of desire to be Shu’s most ideal and perfect doll— a desire Shu no longer wants him to pursue. But, he wasn’t really aware of how much it hurt to hold in his feelings until he finally set them out on the table. While being Shu’s best doll is no longer his goal, disregarding the worries he once felt about living up to that image would be a disrespect to himself.
“Kagehira,” Shu says, a sense of urgency in his voice. He approaches Mika, gently placing his hands on his shoulders, and Mika, though nervous, can’t help leaning into his touch. “I know I’ve said less than…desirable things in the past, but you’re far from ‘gross’.” Shu’s brow furrows, and he runs his fingers through a particularly messy part of Mika’s hair to tame it. The gesture is not an abnormal occurrence, but Mika focuses so intensely on his touch that he has to remind himself to breathe.
“I should have made a point to say it more before, but…you’ve truly always been nothing short of beautiful. Not only in appearance, but because of who you are.” Shu’s hand brushes over Mika’s shirt, where his heart is, and Mika’s eyes widen. “You have an admirably passionate and kind heart, Kagehira. Nothing could change that, nor my view of you. Especially not such an important and exceptionally beautiful part of yourself. Even if our experiences were not so similar, this would never bother me.”
Tears suddenly fill Mika’s eyes as he processes Shu’s words. While his praise has always been sincere, Mika is usually too surprised or confused about receiving it to become emotional. This time is different. His heart feels so full and warm hearing Shu’s reassurances, it’s overwhelming, and the tears don’t stop. Instead, they run down his face in a relentless, salty trail. This seems to surprise Shu, his hands rubbing Mika’s shoulders reassuringly.
Deep down, a part of him knew Shu would never toss him away like a defected doll over this, especially not now when he’s most encouraging him to bloom into his own person. It’s so like Shu to see profound beauty in self discovery; a metamorphosis, he might call it. Hearing him say such reassuring words to his face, and almost openly admiring him, is another thing entirely.
“Oshi-san…” Mika’s voice is shaky as he buries his face in Shu’s uniform shirt, suddenly embracing him. Shu tenses under his hold, still not so used to his personal space being crowded, but he soon relaxes and holds him close. Mika doesn’t often find Shu reciprocating his physical affection, so he cherishes it while he has the chance, nuzzling further into the crook of Shu’s neck with a sniffle.
“Don’t be so foolish, Kagehira. I would never just throw you away,” Shu softly says, gently patting his back. “That much I’d hope you would have realized by now…”
A pleasant warmth fills Mika as he listens to the unusual gentleness in Shu’s voice. It reminds him of when Shu described the “gamble” of his life during the Repayment Festival. Despite Shu telling him to go home, he never intended for Mika to actually give up on his dreams. Shu simply didn’t want Mika’s life wasted on being strung along like a doll, never gaining a true sense of his own worth, intelligence, or artistic capabilities. Shu has always seen budding potential in Mika. He just wanted to give him a chance to wield it, and maybe, hopefully, one day Mika will nurture it enough to bloom himself into something beautiful— an individual Shu could be proud of, and possibly, one that Mika could be proud to face in the mirror, too.
“Even if we disagreed or fought with one another, I could never justify treating you in such a way. In all honesty, Valkyrie wouldn’t be active anymore if not for your previous actions…so I’m in a great deal of debt to you,” Shu adds.
Mika wipes his teary face with his sleeve with half of a laugh. “Ya give me too much credit, Oshi-san…”
“I-I don’t…” Shu sighs, a frustrated sound, but it doesn’t sound like it’s Mika he’s frustrated with. “Really, I don’t. I know I may sound like a broken record as of late, but you’re vitally important to Valkyrie. Of course, in its very existence and to its fans, but also…to me. If not for you nurturing me back to health with your love and care…Valkyrie would likely have fallen for good long ago.”
Perhaps that’s true, Mika considers. For a while, there was an incredibly tense atmosphere across the halls of Yumenosaki. Mika could hardly walk through the school without the pressure feeling palpable in the air. But, he didn’t really care about things like unit rankings, grades, or performance competitions during that time. He only cared about Shu.
“I think I get what ya mean, but it’s not like I did it fer ‘Valkyrie’, really.” Mika lightly grips Shu’s shirt at the small of his back and squeezes him a little tighter. “I did it fer you, Oshi-san. Yer the most important thing in the world ta me, so o’course, I’ll always take care of ya no matter what happens. I wouldn’t even mind if ya couldn’t make art anymore. I just always wanna be by yer side.”
“I…feel similarly,” Shu murmurs, and Mika almost wonders if he heard him correctly. “That is…about wanting to stay by your side.”
He pulls back from the comfort of Shu’s form to look at his face, finding him pointedly looking away from his gaze. It’s quite possible he’s hallucinating it, but Mika thinks he notices a pink hue dusting his face.
“You’ve always been one to wear your heart on your sleeve, speaking of how much you admire me and such things, but with the way things were, it felt wrong for me to…return the sentiment.” Shu gently smooths down the front of Mika’s unbuttoned uniform shirt. “I-It simply wouldn’t be right unless we were equals.”
“O-Oshi-san?” Although following Shu’s words is starting to feel difficult, Mika can’t help his heart beating faster in his chest. “W-What are ya tryin’ t’say’?”
Shu’s brow furrows again, and he seems somewhat tense, almost as if he’s trying to choose his words carefully. “Kagehira, you aren’t a doll anymore— I hardly believe you ever were at this point. This is something I’m hoping you’ll let go of because…I also wish to stay by your side, whether as partners in art…or life.”
Mika finds himself feeling lightheaded. He grips Shu’s shirt even tighter to ground himself, vaguely thinking about how he might be scolded for it later. That doesn’t matter now though, because Shu is still speaking and Mika needs to focus on every single word that’s about to come out of his mouth.
“I care for you so deeply, Kagehira,” Shu softly says, a slight tremor in his voice. “More than you could ever know. I…hate to say this when we’re meant to be apart next year, but as we’re already being vulnerable with each other…I believe the timing is right.”
Shu finally looks Mika in the eye with a sheepish expression, and Mika nearly collapses from the anticipation.
“I’ve…I-I’ve fallen in love with you, Kagehira.”
Mika’s heart pounds against the inside of his chest.
“...R-Really?” He stares at Shu, dazed. “This isn’t…a dream or somethin’, right?”
“Of course this isn’t a dream, you fool,” Shu huffs, but a small smile forms on his face. He takes one of Mika’s hands, and Mika can feel the slight nervous shake of Shu’s hold. “This is real life. Everything I’ve said is real and true…and if you find that hard to believe, then doesn’t this feel real enough?”
Shu places Mika’s hand on his chest, and he immediately feels the rapid thudding of Shu’s heart. It very nearly matches the pace of Mika’s own. It takes him a few seconds to process the implication that Shu is feeling the exact same giddy nervousness Mika experiences whenever they so much as make eye contact with one another. In the back of his mind, he thinks this is solid proof he couldn’t be anything but human. He wouldn’t feel his own heart beating as real as Shu’s, or the astonishing way it feels full of love, or the blood it’s definitely pumping directly to his face if he wasn’t.
“Aaaah, Oshi-san!” Mika lunges forward to practically jump into Shu’s arms, and the impact makes Shu let out a surprised gasp. “Ngaaah, yer so…! I can’t believe ya really feel that way ‘bout me!”
“I expected that sort of reaction…” Shu mirrors Mika’s tight embrace, speaking into his ear with a low, fond voice. “That means I’ll just have to…prove it to you more often from now on.”
Mika whines. Shu is simply being honest, and a little shy and embarrassed, but the way his voice sounds when he’s saying even mildly flirtatious things is driving him crazy. It really is so unfair that Shu is this attractive without trying. In his state of emotional overwhelm, Mika tries to press himself impossibly closer to Shu.
“Ya make me so happy, Oshi-san, my heart’s beatin’ so fast! It really feels like it’ll explode…!” Suddenly, he moves to press his forehead against Shu’s, amber and lapis meeting those vibrant, amethyst eyes he loves so much. Practically vibrating in Shu’s arms, he tugs at his shirt. “Oshi-saaaaan…”
“Yes?” The pinkish color on Shu’s face darkens, and he returns to his usual, fussy self. “I’m right here, you know. You don’t need to squeeze and pull at me so much. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.” Almost as if for emphasis, Shu tightens his arms around Mika’s shoulders.
“Nnah, ‘m sorry! I’m just so excited, is all.” Mika makes another incomprehensible noise of delight and shyly glances at Shu’s mouth. “Oshi-san…I really, really wanna kiss ya right now. Is it okay?”
Shu’s eyes widen, his blush spreading to his ears. “I-I s-suppose that would be…appropriate.”
Mika beams, and without hesitation, he leans in to kiss Shu. But, his sheer eagerness paired with his inexperience faults his aim. The two bump noses, groaning in unison. As Shu reaches for his assaulted face, Mika is almost afraid he’ll be scolded. This makes it a real surprise when Shu looks at him with smiling eyes, and a soft chuckle leaves his throat instead. Mika can’t help giggling alongside him.
“Here,” Shu says, cupping Mika’s face with shaky hands, “let me…”
Still feeling shocked, Mika keeps as still as possible as Shu leans in with lidded eyes. Then, he feels Shu tenderly pressing his lips against his, and his fingers dig into the front of Shu’s shirt. It’s simple yet sweet; Mika can feel Shu’s thumb brush across his cheek. To anyone else, such a kiss might not be all that special. Mika already knows fireworks don’t suddenly go off when you kiss someone for the first time. However, because it’s his Oshi-san kissing him, Mika quickly decides that having Shu’s lips on him is the best feeling in the world.
After what feels like a very long moment, Shu breaks away, and Mika all but swoons. He tries to follow after his lips, insatiable, but his legs nearly give out from under him. Shu promptly grabs Mika’s waist, making him squeak.
“Please tell me you won’t get lightheaded every time we do that,” Shu chides, flushed face still so close, their noses softly brush each other.
Mika doesn’t answer right away. He’s far too focused on the fact that Shu basically just insinuated he wants to kiss him again. If he’s lucky, several times throughout the future, even. It truly hits him that Shu is serious about wanting to stay with him, possibly forever. Despite Mika owning a laundry list of his own flaws, and the way he’s likely going to fumble handling his humanity for a while, Shu wants to be with him, no one else.
In the back of his dizzy mind, he thinks, maybe, it’ll be okay if he messes up here and there— as long as Shu is with him, supporting and loving him.
Mika flashes him a giddy smile. “Mmm, no promises.”