Archive of Our Own

The plan was simple. Find someone strong. Seduce them. Sleep with them. Manipulate their feelings so they would do whatever he said. Defend him to the death if need be.

So far Astarion had managed to acquire quite a few strong allies to consider: a gith warrior of all things, a fighter tiefling, a cagey half-elf cleric, and a human wizard.

They hadn’t necessarily had the best start, what with him trying to attack them and rob them and maybe even feed on them all. But that was all water under the bridge now that they all shared this lovely common bond: illithid infections.

That first night together as a group had been… interesting. Astarion couldn’t help but notice the way one of his new companions, the tiefling, writhed in his sleep. And of course Astarion couldn’t help but bring it up first thing the next morning. Taevin the Tiefling had admitted to having dangerous thoughts and dreams. Excellent. Astarion had been excited to have a bloodthirsty friend on his side. He would point and his new companion would kill. Well, that was the plan anyway. His new friend may need some persuading to make sure the right people were the ones getting stabbed, not Astarion.

Astarion had overheard Taevin asking Shadowheart if she’d also been experiencing memory loss. Shadowheart was cagey with everyone about everything but she seemed especially stressed by this topic if the way her eyes darted around were any indication.

Well bully for both of them. Astarion could definitely do with some memory loss. Maybe it was something to look forward to in the process of becoming an even worse monster than he already was. Delightful.

The second night he’d had to feed. All that lovely talk with Taevin of how to murder each other should they start to show symptoms of turning was just so… delicious. The dear had even been cheeky enough to ask Astarion how he’d prefer to be murdered. Such flirtation and discussion of bloodlust had been unbearable. Astarion had snuck off once everyone was asleep, sure no one had noticed. Their party finding the boar he had fed on had been the absolute worst luck but no one had looked at him sideways when he mentioned vampires so he was pretty sure he was in the clear.

Their little group of mindflayers-to-be had grown with the addition of Wyll, the Blade of Frontiers. Everyone was starting to get more and more comfortable with one another as they adventured together. Wyll was charming and managed to put many of them at ease. Everyone clearly had their own secrets and weren’t exactly sharing them, but camaraderie was building each day.

As everyone eased up a bit, various people began flirting with one another. Wyll unabashedly flirted with both Shadowheart and Lae’Zel. The pair very much let him know he was full of it though Astarion heard Lae’Zel bring up casual sex at least once to Wyll some time after that. Astarion tried complimenting Shadowheart but she told him she’d heard him practicing that line and that it “needed work.” Clearly he wasn’t going to get very far with her.

It didn’t take Astarion long to realize who was attracted to him. He was an attractive man after all. He knew that from experience. A few lingering glances here, a blush there, outright staring from some of the bolder companions. Taevin was the most confusing of the bunch. He’d caught the tiefling hastily looking away from him often, but the one time he openly stared at Astarion there had been an odd glint in his eye. It had felt more like he’d wanted to dissect Astarion rather than bed him. It had been unsettling in light of the other man’s confessions of murderous thoughts.

Well Astarion would have to prove he was more useful alive than dead.

So when Taevin asked him for a private conversation, he hesitatingly accepted.

“Yes?” Astarion asked, barely able to conceal the mix of emotions he was feeling. The tiefling was a force to be reckoned with in battle. He seemed the happiest covered in gore. Which made Astarion wary about what he might want with him.

Astarion was already calculating three different excuses to not spend the evening alone with this tiefling, when Taevin, a giddy look on his face, pulled out a bottle with a very familiar shape inside.

Astarion blinked.

Taevin’s smile dimmed a little but he handed the bottle to Astarion. “You asked me to share the next one with you. You know after I took the one from that Gnoll? I found this one from that dying man we just met.”

Ah yes, Astarion remembered. Taevin had used his mindflayer powers to convince the duo that they should avenge their comrade by facing the owlbear themselves. Taevin had promised to help and then held the group back. Only Wyll had protested the deception but even then weakly as the pair had admitted they were hunting and killing survivors of the Illithid ship crash.

What Astarion remembered most from that whole thing have been the hungry gleam in the tiefling’s eyes as he watched the owlbear rend the hapless duo apart.

“Not what I was expecting you to pull out, I will admit,” Astarion purred and Taevin blushed.

The tiefling stumbled over his words a little, “Well half our party is intrigued and the other half is disgusted. I personally want to use the tadpole to fight,” he faltered. “To fight in general.” Astarion knew that was not what he was about to say but he let it go. They all had their secrets and gods knew he still had his own.

Astarion unstoppered the bottle and retrieved the tadpole. “Well I’m certainly not one to turn down a gift freely given.” He gave Taevin a winning smile to relax his companion. “That would be bad manners.”

He had definitely not wanted to be the first one to try out ingesting new tadpoles but since there hadn’t been any side effects for Taevin so far, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It was not a delightful thing but he’d done much worse. Between Raphael and the Dream Visitor, he’d take the Dream Visitor.

Astarion didn’t feel much different after consuming the tadpole. Was he supposed to just know how to use his new powers? He would watch Taevin closely and see. Karlach had voiced an interest in trying one as well so maybe they could all figure it out together.

Taevin sharing this with him meant he was earning the tiefling’s trust. The plan was going smoothly then. Surely Taevin wouldn’t share power with someone he planned to kill.

~*~

Things got a tad more complicated once a pretty little bard named Alfira joined their group. She was a wonderful addition to the group and everyone welcomed her easy manner. Of course she was going to be eaten alive out here but she had that natural charm that made people want to protect her and by the gods some people were prepared to do so.

Astarion found her appealing for an entirely different reason. There wasn’t much he could safely snack on in the Druid’s Grove where it was normal for a healer to prioritize a bird of all things over a human. There was just no way to guarantee some animal or another wouldn’t see him hunting one of their precious animals and snitch to one of the damned druids. And they still needed to stay on their good side if they had any chance of getting help from this High Druid Halsin or whatever he was.

So Astarion decided he was finally desperate enough to snack on one of his companions. Wyll was a literal monster hunter so no. Gale had a literal magical hunger that rivaled Astarion’s own and that concerned him deeply. Lae’Zel would absolutely stake him for even approaching her. Shadowheart was already on edge as well with her own secrets, she’d definitely wake up the moment he approached. Karlach, the newest to the group before Alfira, was amicable but he wasn’t keen on being set on fire. Taevin wanted to either fuck him or eviscerate him, possibly both at the same time.

Alfira, sweet Alfira seemed the least likely to stake him if she woke up in the middle. She was so naive she might think he was trying to put moves on her. Creepy but he could go with that at least. Hopefully that’s what the animals would think too if any spotted him and wondered. Did animals know about people’s mating habits? No, he really didn’t want to think about that.

So where the devil was she? Astarion thought he had waited until everyone else was asleep. Apparently he had tranced a little too deeply and missed her leaving. He noticed Taevin was also missing and sighed in deep frustration. Clearly the two of them had snuck away for a little tête-à-tête.

Fantastic. He was going to starve.

A familiar wet sound drew his attention away from his pitiful thoughts. He instantly went into high alert, sneaking over to the source of the sound as memories from Cazador’s court echoed in his ears. Had Cazador gotten here already and decided to torture his new companions? It would be just like him not to come for Astarion right away but rather to pick off a different companion each night, eroding his sense of safety more and more as Astarion continued to try and fail to escape Cazador’s clutches.

It took Astarion a moment to grasp what he was seeing when he finally found the source of the noise. Taevin was ravaging Alfira and he looked like he was having a grand time of things. She was long past gone.

Between his paranoia of Cazador and the seductive aroma of the bloody corpse, it took Astarion a moment to decide how he wanted to proceed with things. By the time he could wrangle his focus back, Taevin was standing over the corpse, staring at his blood-covered hands in horror.

The idiot then kneeled down as if to check on the damned girl.

Astarion scoffed. He couldn’t help it. It was simply too asinine to be real. This had to be some sort of dream. Taevin spun around, a guilty look on his face as Astarion rose from his hiding place, pinching himself as he rose. Ouch. Not a dream then.

But maybe this was an opportunity?

Astarion slipped on the mask he always used when interacting with people, that slow cocky smile that seemed to put people at ease for some stupid reason. Taevin still hadn’t said anything, as if not wanting to break some sort of spell.

“Darling, I have a proposition for you.” He flashed his fangs. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

~*~

It had taken them all night but they had managed to drag Alfira’s body down to the beach and leave her in a harpy’s nest. Well, Taevin had carried her. Astarion definitely couldn’t have resisted feeding if he’d carried the corpse and it was very important she not have any vampiric bite marks on her. Her original camp, before she joined them, had been so close to the beach and the harpies that honestly it was a wonder she hadn’t actually been picked off by them before Taevin and his group managed to wipe them all out. Or most of them, if their story was meant to be believed.

The worst part was having to keep an eye on Taevin to make sure he didn’t break during the inevitable search for her the next day. Of course the entire grove had rallied to look for her. Hells, even the druids pitched in enough to send animals out to find her.

The guilt on Taevin’s face was such a dead giveaway, Astarion had considered pretending they had actually seen her getting ravaged and taken off but then they’d have to explain why they didn’t wake anyone and yada yada yada. No, it was definitely better for her to be found naturally.

There was a heartbreaking moment when a wolf led the search party to her. Everyone made the correct conclusions that a surviving harpy, having returned to find her nest empty, had made Alfira her last meal before fleeing to find more of her kind elsewhere. Of course the bard would have been seduced by the one surviving harpy’s song. Bards can’t resist good music. And Alfira was particularly guileless.

Astarion had to use all of his acting skills to not look giddy. Taevin looked suitably gloomy. Their regular companions consoled him and all that, thinking he had been sweet on the girl what with how often he had stared at her during all their interactions.

If only they knew.

But tonight. Tonight they would leave the Grove to make their way to the goblin camp and attempt to take out their leaders and save Halsin and get these tadpoles removed. Or be seduced by some sexy drow and change sides. Who knew? Anything could happen.

The only thing Astarion was concerned with was tonight. It genuinely couldn’t come soon enough.

Because tonight he would get his end of the bargain.

~*~

Taevin seemed nervous, if the way his tail was twitching was any indication. They hadn’t quite made it to the goblins. After Alfira had been found, someone had alerted Wyll that his father- Duke Ravengard of all people- had been kidnapped by drow. They’d rushed over to Waukeen’s Rest to investigate and found the goblins had ransacked the place while they had been traipsing around the swamp looking for evidence of Kagha’s misdeeds.

Since they were there anyway, they decided to check on their dear Zhentarim friends that they had accidentally saved a few days earlier from the gnolls. While poking their way around there, and stealing a few things when the Zhentarim weren’t looking, they’d found themselves in the Underdark of all places. Considering the horror stories they’d heard about the place and considering the Zhentarim were going to potentially destroy their only known exit in their haste to leave no evidence for the Flaming Fist, no one was keen on exploring it much and they’d left.

They had barely had time to even explore the goblin camp, much less find their leaders before glorious night arrived. They’d managed to find a nice spot close enough to the goblins to return the next day but hidden enough away to not be concerned about being slaughtered in their sleep. Taevin and Astarion had waited until everyone was asleep and snuck off. If anyone noticed they would assume much more sensual things and were less likely to assume anything nefarious.

Now they were in a nice secluded spot and it was time.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I just need,” Astarion hesitated because biting someone did hurt and he knew it. “Well, blood.”

The tiefling stared at him. “I feel like such a fool for not realizing it sooner. We even found that boar you snacked on.” Taevin hesitated but steeled himself, “Have you been murdering- feeding on- people?”

“It’s not what you think. I’m not some monster,” Taevin winced at this and Astarion continued defending himself, “I feed on animals! Boars, deer, kobolds- whatever I can get. And even if I were the monster you assumed I was, you aren’t exactly in a place to judge, now are you.”

Whatever Taevin wanted to say died on his lips. Good. But Astarion did feel a twinge of guilt for making him feel bad for… whatever it was going on with him. So to mollify Taevin he decided to explain a little more, “I’m just too slow right now to catch anything. Too weak. I couldn’t risk killing any of the animals in the Grove with all those druids around. If even one bird saw me and snitched the whole place would’ve been coming for me with pitchforks.”

Taevin seemed to understand so Astarion kept going, “It’s been a long couple of days and I’m starving. If I just had a little blood I could think clearer. Fight better. Which is why I made that deal with you. This helps us both.”

“But isn’t my lying to everyone dangerous? I’m an out of control beast!”

Astarion shrugged. “That’s up to you darling, but in my experience people don’t react kindly when you violently kill a sweet girl. Lae’zel wanted to kill you for having a fever not too long ago. I can’t imagine how she’d react to this,” At the look on Taevin’s face, Astarion was quick to reassure him, “I don’t really care. I don’t judge you for what happened. But the look of guilt on your face was priceless.”

Taevin gave him an incredulous look and Astarion shrugged. “It would probably be good to know if there’s any indication that it’s about to happen before you get all murdery again so we can tie you up or purge your murderous instincts on the right victim next time. Some of us are important.”

Taevin explained the pounding headaches and everything else that had been happening. Astarion asked pertinent questions and made mental notes but there honestly wasn’t much he noticed that stood out. Maybe the headaches? Also, he wondered if there was a connection between Taevin’s bloodlust and who this other persona chose to ravage. They’d hardly known Alfira. Had her innocence drawn Taevin’s other side? Astarion was definitely safe in that case.

Astarion still wasn’t sure he believed Taevin’s little tale. Taevin could’ve heard Astarion sneaking up on him and pretended to come to himself. Taevin could be making all of this up now. Only time would tell.

But time was something Astarion didn’t have. If he didn’t feed he would turn into a bloodthirsty beast himself. Without Cazador around to command him he would be lost to his bloodlust and kill who knows how many people. Considering he needed these meatbags to help him figure out this whole illithid parasite thing and potentially help him escape from Cazador’s goons, he preferred not to devour them. Also, he wasn’t sure he was stronger than Taevin. While it would be interesting to see who won between their beasts it wouldn’t be the smartest move to make right now.

Astarion would need to mollify the tiefling for now, “You can trust me with your secret. I’ll be trusting you with my own after all. We can figure out whatever is going on with you… later. For now, I only need a taste, I swear.”

Taevin shifted from one leg to another, his tail whipping around rapidly, looking around them as if expecting someone to come and interrupt their conversation at any moment. Finally, he sighed and said, “Fine. But not a drop more than you need.”

Astarion was practically buzzing with excitement. This would be the first blood from an intelligent being he’d ever tasted, assuming one didn’t count kobolds. “Of course, not one drop more. Let’s make ourselves comfortable, shall we?”

Astarion guided Taevin to the comfiest flattest spot they could find between some trees and had him lie down in whatever was the most comfortable position for someone with a tail. What followed next was the single most euphoric moment of Astarion’s life. Better than anything he’d ever experienced in life or death. Better than sex, wine, his favorite foods. Better than all his thoughts of revenge on Cazador and Gur. He’d promised to stop after only a little sip but had found himself so lost in the sensation he’d likely have drained the tiefling dry if Taevin hadn’t pushed him off.

Astarion stumbled back, unable to wipe the genuine smile off his face. “Ah! That- that was amazing. My mind is finally clear. I feel strong. I feel… happy!”

Taevin rubbed his neck and acted like it hurt. But Astarion had felt Taevin’s excitement when he was getting bitten. He’d loved it. Astarion wouldn’t be surprised if he came back for more even without Astarion needing to blackmail or seduce him into it.

“Thank you. This was… a wonderful transaction between friends. And look what you’ve gained. Together, we can take on the world. Now, if you’ll excuse me, you’ve invigorating but I need something more filling.”

Astarion walked away, feeling stronger than he’d ever felt before.

~*~

It didn’t take long for the others to find the bite marks on Taevin’s neck. Astarion was pretty sure they wouldn’t have found out if Taevin hadn’t allowed that priest of Loviator to really tear into him. The whole thing would’ve been a lot more enticing if Astarion didn’t know Taevin was likely seeking absolution for Alfira’s death. Somehow the guilt tarnished the experience for him. He wouldn’t mind seeing if Taevin enjoyed that sort of thing outside of having a guilty conscience, though.

He’d had some wicked thoughts about that tail too. And those horns were absolutely divine. He knew he wasn’t the only one with the way Shadowheart was starting at Taevin. Shadowheart had thoroughly enjoyed the show with the priest. Not so thoroughly that she missed the fresh bite marks on Taevin’s neck while she was healing him. She kept quiet about it until they had freed the prisoner next door and Volo.

The moment the door had shut behind the invisible bard, Shadowheart had whirled on him, “Astarion, were you planning to share with the rest of us that you’re a vampire?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he deflected on instinct, his stomach dropping.

Shadowheart scoffed. “Taevin has vampire bite marks on his neck and they’re obviously yours. You might be quiet enough to sneak out of camp but Taevin has nowhere near your abilities in stealth. That’s why we never send him on reconnaissance.”

Astarion’s eyebrow twitched. Taevin looked sheepish. If only they knew just how stealthy Taevin could be when he wanted to be… of course according to him that was when his body acted out of his control and did things whether he wanted it to or not… so in-his-right-mind Taevin was indeed as sneaky as a rhino.

Shadowheart rolled her eyes, “As long as you don’t intend to snack on me we’re fine.” The others shared similar sentiments and no one seemed ready to pull out a stake and slay him right then and there. A few did threaten it if he attempted to feed from them but he assured them all he would only feed from villains. There were plenty of goblins around, after all. This seemed to mollify the more suspicious members of their group.

It seemed his plan to garner trust and camaraderie had succeeded and now none of these idiots wanted to kill him even after learning about his true nature. He hadn’t even needed to sleep with them all which he had been planning to do but which had seemed exhausting. Honestly, it was refreshing to spend the next few days with people who knew his secret and only wanted to make jokes or ask questions about it.

The plan was working.

~*~

The plan was supposed to be simple. Find someone suitably competent and powerful. Seduce said person. Make them fall in love with him or feel special or whatever it was that people thought came with sex. They would feel bound to protect him. Maybe even sacrifice their life to distract Cazador so he could get away.

Gale wanted to show him a magic trick that didn’t involve his penis. As if. The man had ambition but Astarion didn’t have the patience for him right now.

Wyll was too busy brooding after his punishment from Mizora. Which Astarion could at least respect. Although he might circle back to him- the monster bedding the monster hunter did have a nice ring to it.

Lae’Zel was just as casual about sex as he was, if her conversations about sex with Wyll was any indication. He’d still keep her in mind for a good roll in the hay if he needed to relieve some stress but she wouldn’t work for his plans.

Shadowheart was far too guarded, though maybe he could get her to lower her guard once her memories were back. After her reaction to the priest of Loviator, Astarion had a feeling she was normally a lot more fun than she was willing to be right now.

Karlach was literally untouchable. Maybe if she could swim they could go out into the ocean? The idea had merit and he might be willing to pursue it but he didn’t want to play his hand too soon. She seemed like the kind of person who was looking for a real connection to someone and he found her endearing enough that he oddly didn’t want to disappoint her.

Taevin looked at him with two hungers and Astarion was very sure which one he wanted him to feel for him. He was pretty sure he could encourage Taevin to sate his other hunger on better prey.

And yet things were not simple.

“Let’s wait until things quieten down. Once the others are asleep, we’ll find each other.”

Taevin shifted again in that way he always did when he was considering things, his tail winding tightly around his leg in his anxiety, “Ah well I promised Shadowheart I’d meet her for drinks later. You know, I really think she’s starting to open up to me.”

So Astarion had been rejected in favor of… wine? Not even good wine?

“I’m a little confused. I thought I just liked you for your blood, and bloodlust, but I’ve found myself growing to like the whole package, honestly. And you clearly like me too.”

Taevin blushed in that adorable way of his.

“Come now, don’t be coy. Your body’s already given you away. I could feel it as I was getting lost in your neck. Your little shakes of excitement.” Much less the other very obvious signs of excitement, “You enjoyed it, didn’t you?”

Taevin licked his lips, clearly remembering the times he’d let Astarion feed on him. Remembering the way it had made him feel. “Well, uh so the thing is… I’m demisexual.”

Astarion furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m partial to all the sexuals, darling, but I’ve never heard of that one. Homo, hetero, pan, poly- oh wait I don’t think that one works but I’m very open to open relationships, if you catch my meaning.”

Taevin shrugged. “Same. And it’s a bit of a spectrum but for me it means I don’t want to have sex with someone unless I know them really well and have a deep intimate connection with them.”

Astarion stared at him for a moment. “Darling, you’d think after our time together and the things we’ve shared- and I don’t just mean that lovely neck of yours- one would think we were rather intimate already.”

Taevin blushed that delightful color again. Astarion couldn’t help but glance at his neck and remember just how delicious his blood had tasted.

Astarion sighed dramatically, hoping to look as put out as possible, “But fine if you’re determined to ruin your evening, I won’t stop you.”

Taevin glanced back at Shadowheart who was watching them both carefully. “How about tomorrow night? After we explore those old ruins back where we first met?”

Astarion perked back up, “We can sneak away to indulge then?”

Taevin cleared his throat. “To talk. To get to know one another. I don’t even know anything personal about you besides that you’re a vampire. You’ve literally told me nothing about yourself.”

Astarion hummed at that. Taevin wasn’t wrong. And if he wanted to learn more about Astarion in order to feel closer to him, well that would be fine too. He supposed he could always seduce the tiefling later.

~*~

It was a talking skeleton. Sort of. Maybe a mummy was a better word. Whatever it was, it called itself Withers and it refused to answer any of their questions. But it- he?- did offer to resurrect any of their companions that had died.

The stricken look on Taevin’s face gave away his request before he could even ask it, in private of course. But of course, it had been too long to resurrect the poor bard Taevin- oops the harpies- had savaged. The only other interesting thing in that place had been an amulet to speak with the dead- which had prompted a round of amusing quips about how all of them already did that on a daily basis since they all talked to Astarion. Hardy har har.

Less humorous was later that night, instead of spending time getting intimate, in whatever way Taevin wanted, Astarion ended up helping Taevin unearth Alfira’s corpse outside the mostly empty Druid’s Grove so Taevin could apologize to her. No one had blinked an eye when Taevin suggested they stay in the grove one last time before going through the Underdark. Oh yes and they had to visit that creche or Lae’Zel would abandon them. Whatever, Halsin was pleased to visit the Grove and see how the new leader he’d appointed was settling in.

Astarion had had his suspicions that Taevin wanted to use the amulet on Alfira but he was hoping he was wrong. When Taevin had led him to the ledge that had served as her campsite- and now burial spot- Astarion had known he’d been correct. His bloodthirsty friend had such a bleeding heart.

So of course, after all that effort and time, Alfira didn’t want to talk to Taevin. She did at least listen to his apology on the third time he used the amulet on her. Asarion figured even the dead needed peace and she had apparently accepted she would have none until she let Taevin say his piece.

Astarion couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take for him to apologize to each of his own victims were he so inclined. Years, probably. Though maybe not. They were all buried in the same area after all. Maybe he could even do a mass summon and apologize to them all at once. He technically hadn’t been their killer, just the one to lead them to their doom. The thought of a mass of bodies all moving and glowing green made him shudder.

There’d been thousands of people. He’d felt deep remorse for the first hundred or so before accepting his fate and turning numb to it all.

And now he was free.

Taevin was looking a little more free after they’d finished reburying the body. Astarion figured if an animal had seen their little night time adventure and snitched, well hopefully they wouldn’t have heard everything. Astarion was ready to lie that they had been asking the girl if she wanted to be revived, ignoring the fact that Taevin had already privately asked Withers about the topic and been denied. But if they’d heard the truth, Taevin could always admit the truth to everyone. It would probably be best not to be caught though, so he kept a wary eye out as he led a pensive Taevin away.

Honestly, Astarion had been ready to call it a night. So he was surprised when Taevin came back to himself and led them to the beach. He’d peppered Astarion with all manner of questions about himself. Astarion found himself telling more than he expected to and actually answering honestly for once.

Astarion hated to admit it, but it actually felt… nice. Freeing, really, to finally tell someone about Cazador and what he’d been forced to endure. Perhaps it was the trauma bonding or the peaceful ocean, but he actually enjoyed talking to Taevin about… well everything. The only secrets left were his motivations for even spending time with Taevin.

The plan was simple. Instead of finding beautiful people to drag to Cazador he would find strong people who would be willing to help him evade Cazador and his goons. A nice simple plan: seduce one of these strong companions, sleep with them, manipulate their feelings so they’d never turn on him.

Yet as they were leaving, Astarion felt an odd sort of melancholy. He regretted they couldn’t spend more time alone there, just the two of them, talking. He wasn’t even upset anymore that they hadn’t had sex. All he knew was, for the first time in a while, he was actually looking forward to spending more time with someone that didn’t involve fighting, fucking, or torture.

Oh gods. The plan was supposed to be simple.

When had it gotten so complicated?