Chapter Text
2005, seven years
Neil was only seven years old, but he was not stupid. Not at all. Although his big brother Kevin called him that more than once, mostly as a joke, of course. But his parents didn’t call him that even when they scolded him. Even when he once ate a huge round coin from the floor and almost choked to death.
It was still early in the morning and Neil was heading to the playroom where a sleepy nanny was already waiting for him. She was the only one in this house who got up with him at such an hour.
The parents would sleep for another hour or two, and Kevin could sleep until lunchtime, taking advantage of the fact that today was a day off. Neil gave up trying to wake him up and get him to play about 2 years ago. He decided that there was no point in wasting energy on these useless attempts.
Entering his playroom, Neil froze right at the entrance, suddenly noticing something that was definitely not there yesterday. A box. The large cardboard box tied with a bright orange bow, just like his hair. Neil loved such kind of boxes because they only appeared on special occasions. For example on Christmas or on his or Kevin's birthday. And there are always, always were gifts!
Without hesitating a second, he ran up to the desired box and stuck his curious, freckled nose into it.
Neil has always loved animals for as long as he can remember. Soft and fluffy or scaly and prickly, Neil loved them all.
He already had a bright parrot who sang funny songs in it's bird language in the morning. Because of this, they had to move it downstairs to the living room so it wouldn't wake up the whole family in the morning.
He also had two long-eared and soft-haired rabbits living in a large cage in the yard. Kevin brought him to tears with jokes about rabbit stew and rabbit roast.
There was also a tiny bright orange fish with small white stripes, just like from his favorite cartoon. Neil was not particularly imaginative and named it Nemo. Nemo lived in a round aquarium, which stood in his bedroom near his bed so that Neil could admire his bright fish before going to bed.
And of course, the giant snail, which, at Kevin’s suggestion, they named Caramel, because of the soft brown color of its shell. They placed it in the kitchen in a large transparent container to laugh at how their mother flinched and funny cursed every time she noticed it.
But Neil definitely hasn’t had a little bear yet!
Fluffy, with large thick paws and dark soft fur, and on the head there are two small round ears. The cub bear was sitting at the bottom of the box, gnawing holes in its cardboard walls. And as soon as he noticed Neil, it happily stuck out its pink tongue and looked at him with brown eyes that were huge for such a small head.
Nathaniel didn't have many rules: go to bed on time, don't eat more than 3 candies a day, don't argue with Kevin and don't touch other people. The last rule was the most important because it saved Neil's life. And Neil wasn't stupid, he knew it was important. He still remembers how painful it was when he disobeyed.
The parents didn't have a rule that Neil couldn't leave the playroom because he never did it before. But an unexpected wave of delight at the sight of a fluffy animal in a gift box rose higher and higher inside him until it completely drowned the little kid, washing away all the prohibitions in its path.
"Mom! Dad!"
The child rushed out of the playroom and clattered his heels up the steps, hurrying to his parents’ bedroom. He ran so fast that even his nanny could not catch him. They often played catch-up and he always lost. She runs very fast!
"Nathaniel! Nathaniel! Come back!"
The nanny screamed trying to catch him. She ran after him as fast as she could, but the nanny was still too sleepy, and Neil was too happy. And now he had absolutely no time for the out of breath nanny behind him, too excited to hear the concern in her voice.
Neil ran into his parents' bedroom and, without hesitating for a second, rushed to the large bed. Sometimes dad, secretly from mom, allowed him and Kevin to climb on it and jump like on a trampoline, so Neil knew exactly how to quickly jump off and get back on. He wanted to hug his mother and father as much as his little arms could. He wanted to pour out all his delight and gratitude on them. And tell them about his unexpected find. Neil smiled widely and laughed loudly, like a silver bell, jumping onto the bed.
"Mommy!"
Neil shouted, laughing and rushing towards her. But on the face of his mother, who had just woken up, there was no reciprocal joy, only fear.
"Nathaniel, stop! You mustn't!"
She screamed, instinctively stretching forward her thin hands, usually clad in gloves, but now dangerously naked. Abby, barely understanding what was happening, tried to isolate herself from her son to no avail. No matter how painful it was for her to push him away, she knew the consequences of her weakness.
David, sleeping next to her, woke up abruptly and sat up on the bed, but it was too late. His son, not paying attention to his mother’s shout, had already climbed into his parents’ bed. Just a second. David only needed one more second to save this beautiful morning and save his son from inevitable pain.
Before Neil learned the rules, he heard similar shouts all the time: “Stop! You mustn't! Don’t touch!” And he always froze in place, like an obedient boy, because he was taught that way. Because mom and dad hugged him for a long time and explained why it was the way it was and why Neil couldn’t hug and kiss them like Kevin did.
He learned, after a couple of burns and several trips to the hospital. Neil remembered this rule well and it became almost a reflex. Like when a people withdraw them hand from hot water or throw away a knife after cutting themselves. But not this time. His happiness was too great, and it filled Neil with an uncontrollable and so dangerous for him now speed. He flew up onto the bed in the blink of an eye, grabbed his frightened mother tightly by the neck and pressed his lips to her soft cheek, overwhelmed with joy.
But Abby abruptly pulled away from her youngest son, pushing him into his chest, covered with a pajama T-shirt, away from her. Losing his balance, Neil fall into the soft bed, into the sheets that smelled familiarly of lavender. His mom always used this hypoallergenic fabric softener so as not to cause an allergic reaction in Neil. The soft mattress, as always during their jumps with Kevin, sagged under Neil's weight and cheerfully threw him back into the air, causing the kid to laugh loudly, not noticing the panic reigning around him.
"Daddy! I have a real teddy bear in my box!"
Neil shouted in the ear of his awakened father, jumping merrily on his parent's bed. But his parents didn’t seem to hear him, Abby pulled Neil out of the sheets and sharply pulled him out by the armpits and put her son on the floor. David, all white with horror, jumped up from the bed after her and screamed in the direction of the nanny.
"Amy, go turn on the water! Fast!!"
And turning to his wife, he commanded, trying to pull himself together, but losing his composure while looking at his still cheerful child. There is nothing worse for parents than seeing their children in pain. And David knew that they could not avoid this, but he could not help but try to at least mitigate the consequences.
"Abby, call an ambulance!"
His wife nodded, stumbled over to the phone and tried to press the small buttons with shaking hands. It's fortunate that they had the foresight to put the ambulance number on speed dial.
David grabbed a light blanket from the bed and, wrapping it around his child, lifted him into his arms. Neil laughed joyfully, trying to get out of it, and taking it all for some new fun game. He was so happy! He got a new pet, and his parents decided to play with him right in the morning. And he wouldn’t have worried about anything at all if it weren’t for the nanny who ran away in tears and the voices of his parents trembling with fear.
His dad swung the bathroom door open so abruptly that Neil froze in fear at the loud knock of the collision with the wall, stopping kicking in his parent's embrace. Neil never liked too loud noises or shouts, shrinking every time someone raised their voice at him. Looking around and noticing the shower turned on, Neil frowned with displeasure. He didn’t want to wash now, much less in the shower! The tiles there were always too cold for him, and cleaning was boring. Neil loved to take a warm bath, especially with bubbles and yellow rubber ducks.
"Dad, I don’t want to wash!"
Neil screamed with renewed vigor, breaking free from the hands holding him.
"I want to play with my bear! Dad! Let me go!"
"Be patient, Neil. A little more."
His father whispered sympathetically to him, unrolling the blanket and shaking the upset little boy straight into the shower stall. The nanny, who had already turned on the water at full power, helped him undress Neil. Her hands shook as she unbuttoned his pajamas. Neil didn't have enough time to feel embarrassed. The water had not yet warmed up, but David didn't wait and grabbed the shower head, pointing it at his son. Quite unexpectedly, icy water hit Neil and, forgetting about his nakedness, he screamed from the bone-chilling cold. He kicked, unsuccessfully trying to escape his father's firm grip.
Abby rushed into the bathroom. Her hair was disheveled, her face was gray with fear, and in her hands she carried an impressively sized home first aid kit. Their medicine cabinet, thanks to her knowledge of medicine and experience as a nurse, was filled with all kinds of medicines. His parents and Kevin rarely got sick and they mostly had only burn remedies and antihistamines on hand. She looked at her son’s face, distorted with fear, and couldn’t help but burst into tears, blaming herself for what was happening. She was the one who forgot to lock the door.
"Mommy! Please!"
Neil begged, stretching out his hands, trembling from the cold, towards her. But Abby just shook her head. She would save the guilt for later, when Neil fell into a painful sleep in a hospital bed, exhausted by pain and tears. Now her son needs her to be strong. Wiping the treacherously incessant tears from her cheeks, she spoke as confidently as possible, trying to instill in Neil the calm that she herself did not have.
"Be patient, honey, the water will soon become warmer..."
Despite his protests, the crying Neil was thoroughly washed, vigorously rubbing his skin until it turned red. And Abby, turning over and scattering the entire contents of their huge first aid kit on the floor, began pouring some disgusting-smelling medicines and sticky foams onto Neil’s hands and face. Neil's eyes, already red with resentment, began to water with renewed vigor from the pungent chemical smell filling his nose.
But something in his small body began to bother him much more than the icy water, his father's rough treatment or the foul smell of medicine. His hands began to burn mercilessly. And it was as if he had been slapped across the cheek. His lips went numb and Neil licked them and felt the familiar taste of blood in his mouth. His mother could not hold back her tears looking at him and Neil became even more worried, increasingly feeling the pain spreading across his face and hands.
"Abby, go out, maybe the ambulance has already arrived!"
Noticing his wife's condition, David commanded. There was no need for them to scare Neil even more than he already was.
Neil watched with fear as his mother jumped out of the bathroom without turning around. He began to cry again, shaking on the floor and covered in nasty drugs that did nothing to control the rapidly spreading fever.
David took a deep breath, finally pulling himself together and tried to calm his frightened son.
"I know it hurts you. We'll fix everything. But for this we need to go to the hospital."
Neil groaned in protest, sliding to the floor and pressing himself against the cold tiles in search of relief. Writhing and gasping for breath from wild pain, and not from fear, he screamed with all his strength.
"No! I want to play with my cub bear! Dad, please!!!"
Neil felt something warm running down his chin.
"Soon, son, very soon you will be able to play with it..."
"Promise!"
There was suddenly very little air in the bathroom, and Neil’s chest felt so heavy, as if for some reason someone had placed a huge cabinet with shoes from the hallway on it. Delirious, Neil tried to push it off, waving his arms wildly in the air.
"I promise."
The father said in a confident voice and Neil believed him, losing consciousness with relief.
He deceived him.
Neil was able to return home only a month later, when the worst burns on his hands and face had healed. His lips were healing the worst. It took a whole plastic surgery to restore his delicate skin - the price he had to pay for one kiss.
...
Neil's nanny quit the day after his emergency hospitalization. Neil wasn't too upset about this. But his parents tried to persuade her to stay, offering salary increases and cash payments, but the shock of that morning was too great for her to buy off with money. This was the fifth nanny Neil could remember. None of them could withstand the responsibility and complex care of such a sick child as Neil. Instead of Amy, some other nanny came, plump and round-cheeked, with warm honey-yellow eyes and plump hands. She looked like a round, soft marshmallow, and Neil immediately liked it, even though he didn't particularly like sweets.
Abby, as a nurse and as a mother, endlessly instructed the new nanny, explaining to her all the rules and prohibitions. She pointed her finger at the cards with the history of his illness, showing the seriousness of her words.
"Melissa, next such mistake could cost Neil too much. This is not just a figure of speech, but a matter of life and death. Touching other people is worse for him than letting him touch a hot stove."
"Mrs. Wymack, I understand, and I will approach the matter with all responsibility."
She assured Abby, carefully reading the contents of one of the many thick folders laid out on the coffee table in front of her.
"Last time, Nathaniel just ran out of the playroom and headed to our bedroom, and I didn’t lock the door. I wasn't dressed enough, and Neil found our gift in the morning and was too happy that he forgot about all the rules."
Abby glances at Neil playing in the corner of the living room. His face had practically healed, leaving only pinkish blotches around his lips, which she knew would heal over time.
"Of course he knows he shouldn’t touch other people. Only if they are wearing several layers of clothing, gloves and no exposed skin."
"And we have already put locks on all the internal doors in the house, lock the rooms where he plays."
Said David, who stood next to his wife and looked gloomily out the window. Hiring a new nanny is like a lottery only the health and life of his son is at stake.
Neil eavesdropped on them, not very interested in boring adult conversations. Parents always repeated the same thing, you can’t blah blah blah gloves and clothes blah blah blah dangerous blah blah blah. It was much more interesting to play with a little bear cub, who turned out to be not a bear at all. It barked and wagged his small tail, curled into a ring, which Neil had not seen last time.
"Honey. Come to me, please."
Neil waddled over to his mother with a heavy puppy in his hands. She hugged him tightly, pressing him to her chest. This time she was wearing a familiar sweater with a high collar almost reaching to her chin. And she, as usual, put on latex gloves, which made her hands remind Neil of one of the expensive plastic Kevin figures that he doesn’t allow to be taken out of their packaging. Neil still doesn’t understand why he needs toys that he can’t play with.
"Meet Melissa. She will look after you now."
Neil nodded politely and looked at the smiling nanny from under his lowered eyelashes.
"Hello, Neil, it’s very nice to meet you."
"Hello."
He whispered, but the nanny didn't lecture him about good manners. Instead of this she looked with interest at the large puppy in his hands.
"What a cutie! Have you already thought of a name for your puppy?"
Neil immediately smiled and began to chatter, not noticing the surprised glances of his parents behind his back and Melissa’s sly squint.
"Yes! Daddy told me it's a girl, I'll name her Hazelnut!"
"Why Hazelnut?"
"Look!"
Neil lifted the dog as best he could and let the nanny take a closer look at it.
"See? It has eyes like hazelnuts, and it's all cute and sweet, like hazelnut cookies, and she even smells like Nutella!"
"And someone put a whole bunch of Nutella in the hall! But it doesn't smell very good".
Nanny didn’t have time to answer. Someone interrupted her from behind. Neil immediately turned to the door and smiled widely.
"Kevin!"
Neil was delighted with his brother; he had not yet had a chance to see him after returning from a long stay in the hospital. Neil released the puppy from his hands and rushed to another boy with dark hair and gray eyes. Kevin opened his arms for a hug. His palms weren't wearing those nasty gloves, and his school shirt was unbuttoned across his chest.
"Neil!"
Kevin smiled, picking up his younger brother in his arms and squeezing him in an incredibly tight hug for a twelve-year-old.
"You're finally home!"
Kevin kissed him loudly, pressing his lips right to the tip of his freckled nose, causing the new nanny to squeak in despair.
Neil laughed with happiness overwhelming him. Kevin was his best friend and the best brother in the world. And although Neil had not met anyone else, he was sure that he was the best. And he never flinched to the side or pushed him away if Neil wanted a hug. Kevin kissed his cheeks and forehead whenever Neil wanted, something their mom and dad never did, no matter how much Neil asked before.
"Everything is fine."
David assured the new nanny, noticing her fearful look. He smiled warmly looking at his sons and gradually began to relax, forgetting the horrors of the hospital. His children were always friendly, but Kevin became especially protective every time Neil was hurt, and it didn’t matter whether it was severe burns that put him in intensive care or a simple cold. Kevin always took care of his precious little brother.
"This is Kevin - Neil's older brother. They are compatible. He's the only one here that Neil isn't allergic to."
...
Throughout his life, Neil lived by certain and clear rules. He knew that other children didn't live like him. They went to school, went on excursions, traveled and played with friends. Neil was deprived of all this. No hugs, no pinky swears, and not even one cookie between two. All this was inaccessible to him.
Dad hugged him gently, explaining to his upset son why everything was the way it was. Children touch each other all the time, hug, fight, change clothes and share food. All this could have cost Neil his life. Therefore, he studied at home, under the supervision of his parents. Tutors came to him every day in white like in the hospital gowns and latex gloves. And Neil also communicated only with his parents, Kevin, the nanny and adults who would not think of offering him to finish their lunch or change clothes.
Neil was always surrounded by perfectly clean clothes and the eternal smell of antiseptic in the air. Everything he touched should not come into contact with the sweat and fat of other people. He always wore gloves and closed clothing. And his mother could already write a whole treatise on the technology of cooking. And to avoid accidents, Neil always ate alone, so as not to accidentally mix up and take from the table something that was not intended for him. Sometimes, when Kevin was in a particularly good mood, he would cook for his little brother himself. And then they ate together at the same table, nudging each other and laughing loudly. Neil appreciated every moment, savoring even a simple sandwich with jam and peanut butter as a real masterpiece of culinary art.
And because of his modest social circle, Neil was terribly jealous of his brother every time Kevin’s friends came to visit them.
"Neil, come to us!"
Kevin called him more than once. But Neil stubbornly refused every time. He really wanted to play with them, but...
"No one will touch you, I warned them not to."
But joining them meant sharing HIS brother with some strangers, and Neil didn’t know how to share and wasn’t going to learn. He frowned, stomped loudly down the stairs and locked himself in the room. There he experienced his outbursts of anger: he broke cars, tore up coloring books and destroyed the Lego buildings that he and Kevin built.
His parents believed that his destructive behavior was the result of a lack of communication with peers. Taking all precautions, they began bringing children into the house. But Neil refused to play with anyone other than Kevin and his puppy. Other people's children frightened him until his knees trembled shamefully. They took his toys, screamed loudly and touched his dog.
Neil wanted to beat them all, grab them by the hands and drag them out of his room, maybe even take them down the stairs so that they wouldn’t even think about coming back. But he couldn't. And this helplessness instilled in Neil a nasty feeling of powerlessness, making him even angrier.
It got to the point that other children began to cause terrible tantrums and panic attacks in Neil. His parents had no choice but to stop torturing their son, trying to socialize him.
"We should just wait a little, it will be easier when he gets older."
David suggested, sitting in the kitchen in the middle of the night, clasping his wife's hands in his.
"We have nowhere to rush."
"Maybe we should abandon this idea at all?!"
Abby sobbed, pulling her hands away and covering her face with them.
"David, what are we doing? Why are we trying to force him to be interested in other people? We both know that he won’t be able to communicate normally with them..."
"Abby."
"What Abby? He's already noticed that he's different from Kevin. What will happen when he finally understands how much has been given to others and how little has been given to him? I think with horror about the day when he realizes that he will not be able to live a full life, get married, start a family..."
Neil eavesdropped on them while sitting under the door. He came into the kitchen in the middle of the night to drink and steal something from the fridge. But his parents were already in the kitchen, and again they were talking about something that he did not understand, arguing and crying because of him. Neil wasn't stupid. He knew that he was different from other children. He knew he couldn't do everything Kevin did. He couldn't go to school, couldn't kiss his mother or hug his father, pressing his cheek against his bare shoulder. Neil knew this. And he also knew how hard it was for his parents to have a kid like him. He noticed it in their sad looks. Heard in a light whisper when they thought they were alone. Neil really wanted to be healthy, not in order to be able to do everything that is given to others, but so that his parents would stop being sad because of him.
Frustrated Neil quietly rose from the floor and slowly walked upstairs, only instead of his room, he slid through the door of Kevin's one. His older brother was already full asleep. Neil tiptoed over to his bedside and gently poked him in the shoulder with his small finger.
"Kevin."
His brother slept like the dead, unresponsive to touch. So Neil tried again, raising his voice a little.
"Kevin!"
The older boy stirred in bed and groaned displeasedly.
"Mmm what do you want?"
Neil made the most pitiful face he could muster and folded his hands in a pleading gesture.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"Mmm go to ýour own bed..."
Neil's voice trembled and he whispered, trying to hold back his tears.
"Mom and Dad are whispering about me in the kitchen again..."
Kevin finally opens his eyes and looks at his sad brother. Of course, Kevin knows what they're talking about and knows how worried Neil is about it. Sighing heavily, he moves, making room next to him, and lifts the edge of his blanket. Neil takes the hint without words and quickly climbs in with his brother before he changes his mind.
"Keep your cold feet away from me or I'll throw you to the floor."
Despite the threat, Kevin hugs him tightly, pressing him to his chest and falls asleep again. Neil nods, also closing his eyes and letting go of all his worries. In the arms of his older brother, he was not afraid of anything.