Chapter Text
Satoru.
He turns the name over and over again in his head, until the edges have long worn out and it starts to sound like an unidentifiable collection of sounds. The voice in his head that whispers it is different every time. Mostly it sounds like Hawks, but then it changes to Eri, then Yui, then Makoto… Kenji, Izuku, All Might, and even Shouto. And beneath all that he can still see the glimmering memories of a warm summer day as Shouko steals the glasses from his face and complains about his hair, can still see the faint smile on Suguru’s mouth as he says, “At least curse me a bit at the end, Satoru.”
He’s the same chaotic hot mess of a person he’s always been, but it feels like something he’d always been missing has finally slotted into place.
That unknowable but unmistakable dread that’s always dogged his steps, that kept him lying awake at night in existential horror, that had him running into the arms of just about every questionable escapist vice he could think of— it finally feels as if it’s been put to rest. He is who he is, and that’s the same person he’s always been. Gojo Satoru, Todoroki Touya, Dabi, Ru-kun, Six Eyes, the Honored One… Hawks is right. They’re all just facets of the same person. Some days he aligns with one identity more than the other, but beneath all that, he’s always been nothing more or less than himself.
Suguru had asked him, once; “Are you Gojo Satoru because you’re the strongest? Or are you the strongest because you’re Gojo Satoru?”
At the time, he hadn’t been able to answer him. Even decades after Suguru and the person who had stood across from him on that street that day had long passed from that world, he still couldn’t find an answer.
Now he realizes it doesn’t really matter. He is who he is, no matter what powers he has, what world he exists in, or what name he was born with.
And if there are days when he loses sight of that… well, that’s why he’s not alone. If he can’t quite remember who he’s supposed to be, he’s surrounded by people who will remind him that he’s never supposed to be anyone.
That he’s just Satoru, and that’s fine.
It had already been pretty late in the evening by the time Eri had cried herself to sleep on his chest, so he’s not surprised to see she’s fast asleep in her bed when he heads into her room to check on her, and appears unlikely to wake until morning. He’d fallen asleep himself not long after her, dozing off on Hawks’s shoulder after they’d had a long talk about a life and an identity he’d never expected to speak of again.
He still can’t quite believe he’d told Hawks about his last life. About the cursed powers that defined him long before he’d opened his eyes in this life, about the world he’d tried and failed to save, about all the corpses he’d left behind.
Satoru sighs, running a gentle hand over Eri’s forehead. She doesn’t even stir at the touch, out like a light.
He never thought he’d tell anyone about his past life— he never thought he would want to.
But it’s not all that surprising, that it was Hawks who finally got him to speak on it.
And if anyone deserved the truth, it was Hawks.
He couldn’t continue to be in a relationship with the other man without coming clean about his past— that had become glaringly apparent to him, after all this time apart. His former life has and always will be an integral part of him; it’s impossible and unfair to expect someone to be with him without knowing about it.
Still, to think Hawks had accepted the truth so easily… well, that probably says an awful lot about the absurd mess he’s made of his own life, doesn’t it?
Satoru shakes his head with a rueful smile.
He supposes he ought to get used to it. It looks like being a hot mess is his past, present, and future. Good thing Hawks seems into that.
He leans down, brushing his lips against Eri’s forehead.
“I love you, Eri-chan,” he whispers, so quietly he doesn’t think even the cat loafing at the edge of the bed can hear him.
The words still feel foreign and heavy on his tongue. Until today, he’s never said them before, to anyone, in either of his lives. In his last life, he’d honestly gotten to a point where he thought he never would. To him, love had become a curse. Just yet another burden for the Honored One to bear.
But in this life, he’s starting to believe there’s more to love than loss. That love might just be worth it, in spite of all the pain and suffering it can bring. That it might even be the best thing that ever happened to him.
He certainly feels that way, as he watches his kid drift through her dreams. He can’t imagine life without her anymore. Without Hawks, his band, his siblings, his little bean sprout, and even the bratty teenage hero students he’s reluctantly taken on. His heart feels so full it hurts, but he tries not to run from the feeling. He’s done running from it, he thinks. Maybe this whole time, slowly but surely, he’s been learning to accept all that love— with plenty of chaos, shitposts, and shamelessly plagiarized music sprinkled in between.
He’s aware there’s still so much he needs to work through. Between him and Hawks, all the people in this life that he’s come to love, and even with himself. But at least for now, confronting all that doesn’t seem so impossible.
When he returns to his bedroom, Hawks has migrated into the middle of the bed, right in the warm spot Satoru had left behind. He chuckles under his breath as he draws closer, a little smitten at the sight even as he feels a pang of guilt. He hopes Hawks has been sleeping okay without him, but if his own appalling track record is any indication, it’s probably been a lot of restless nights.
He doesn’t expect to be able to slip under the covers unnoticed by the other man, so he’s not surprised when Hawks rolls over to face him as he settles under the blanket.
“Eri okay?” Hawks asks, in a sleep-slicked murmur, eyes still closed.
If Satoru wasn’t already in love with him, then he would be well and truly besotted now. It never ceases to amaze him, how seamlessly they’ve always fit together. How lucky he got with this man. He’s always known what’s most important to Satoru, without ever having to be told.
“She’s fine. Probably going to sleep until morning,” Satoru returns, just as quiet.
Hawks makes a vague noise of acknowledgement in response, tugging him closer by a grip around his waist. Satoru doesn’t protest in the least, feeling warm and content with the other man pressed close against him. So content, in fact, by the time he truly settles in he’s already starting to drift off.
Hawks stirs against him. “And you?” He asks, just as quiet.
Satoru’s lashes flutter open, taking in the shapes of light that flickers across the other man’s face, aureate eyes bright under the moon. Satoru nods, a little overwhelmed. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m okay.”
Hawks leans in and kisses him, just a dry brush of lips that’s there and gone, but still manages to take his breath away. “You’ll tell me if you’re not, right?”
He nods again, so overwhelmed that he has to duck his head and hide his face in Hawks’s neck just to reply. “I will,” he promises, mouthing his words against the warm skin he finds there.
//
ALL THESE THINGS THAT I’VE DONE
//
The morning comes far too soon.
Hawks feels uncomfortably aware of the way the minutes seem to slip out of his hands, the march of time inexorable and inexplicable, even as he tries to make the most of every moment. He keeps glancing at Satoru as if he expects the other man to disappear before his eyes. It seems impossible, but everything about Satoru is impossible. Who’s to say, really, if the unknowable force that dragged him into this world will erase him from it just as arbitrarily?
But Satoru had said he’d died in his last life; he can remember all the details of his death with a wretched and unfortunate accuracy, even if he’d spared telling Hawks the worst of it. And he’d been brought into this life just as everyone else was, through a bloody fight of birth and creation. If Hawks is lucky, he’ll leave it in death just as everyone else does too— and if Hawks has anything to say about it, that day won’t be coming for a very, very long time.
These are existential fears that aren’t going anywhere, however, and Hawks has matters that require more pressing immediacy at present.
By afternoon Satoru will be inaccessible and ensconced in his undercover mission, and Hawks will be just as preoccupied with the revolution he’s dragged center stage.
And while Hawks feels far more confident in their relationship than he ever has before, hearing about Satoru’s past has both shaken and enlightened him.
There’s just… a lot to unpack there.
And just as he’d suspected, the other man has a lot of underlying trauma he needs to work through. He’s been making progress in this second life of his, but he still has so much he needs to heal from. At least now Hawks can be more aware of what to watch out for, and can do a better job of understanding his perspective. It already clears up an awful lot about Satoru and his decisions in this life.
No wonder he’s so good at shouldering responsibility, even when he hates it.
He’d had to be responsible for the safety of everyone in his life before. He’d had to carry the burden of being the strongest for years. He’d never had the chance to be anything else. The heralded Honored One who’s birth had changed the world… is it any real wonder he’d eschewed all of that and become a villainous pop punk gremlin in this life? This second life of his had surely come with its own set of burdens, but at least it had given him the time and space he’d needed to grow as a person, and figure out who he really was beneath all that power and legacy.
And it was okay, that he was still figuring it out. That he wasn’t some imperfect, faultless creature closer to god than man. He made mistakes, ran from his own feelings more often than not, and had a long and storied history of miscellaneous escapist vices. His first instinct was still to push people away, to keep himself safe behind the invincible barrier of infinity. He toed the line between being amusingly nihilistic and dangerously self-destructive. He had a hard time voicing his own wants and needs, and tended to dismiss them out of hand rather than confront them.
Hawks was far from perfect, too. He barely knew what he was doing most days. He was muddling his way through this relationship with nothing but his own instincts to guide him, and they didn’t always lead him down the right path. He probably pushed too hard in some places, and yielded too soon in others. He had his own insecurities to work through, especially when the gap between their life experiences was so evident.
And they were both unlikely to ever get any less busy. Time was always going to feel as if it was slipping away from him. Balancing the responsibilities in their lives was always going to be an ongoing issue. And while they’d both gotten better at communicating, insecurities and old hurts had a way of derailing that progress in the most inconvenient of ways.
But Satoru was willing to try and make it work, and so was Hawks.
Apparently he’d had a bit of a public breakdown within his first few days of raising Eri, which Satoru had admitted ended up being more bewildering than embarrassing, and had also ended up being something rather profound. He said an old lady had stopped by and reassured him he was not a failure of a parent, just an unlearned one. As long as he and Eri never stopped trying to learn and grow together, he’d have nothing to fear. Satoru had relayed all this with a mystified expression, and Hawks couldn’t help but feel humbled too. That was some really sound advice. He kind of wished Satoru had gotten her name, so they could at least try to give her a thank you note.
Life was only going to get more complicated from here on out, but they’d figure it out, together.
Hawks rolls over, feeling more than seeing the morning sun roll over the horizon, his internal alarm sensing approaching daylight even when the sky outside the window is still a heavy, bruised purple. Satoru is usually still fast asleep at this hour, but this time his breath is shallow with a restlessness that means he’s closer to waking than dreaming. He reaches out towards the other man, knowing from experience it’s better to wake the man than leave him adrift in that strange, hollow sleep.
As expected, it doesn’t take much more than a light brush of his fingers to have those starry eyes fluttering open, his infinite barrier nowhere in sight. When Satoru turns to face him, he doesn’t seem any more rested than Hawks himself.
Hawks watches him carefully. “Still okay?”
He’s rewarded with a small, but genuine, smile. “Yeah. Not thrilled about having to go back to work, though.”
Hawks finds himself smiling back ruefully. Even though this revolution is a task he wholeheartedly wants to see through, he’d also much rather just spend the day loafing around in bed with the other man.
He reaches out for Satoru’s hand, finding it buried beneath his pillow. “This time next year— we’re really going to go on that vacation. A whole month. We’ll celebrate all the holidays and birthdays and we won’t look at our phones even once.”
Satoru’s eyes soften as he threads their hands together. “Let’s do it. I already promised Eri we’ll take her on a beach trip to celebrate your birthdays and all the holidays I missed when this is all over. So we should take her to see the mountains, too.”
“A beach trip?” Hawks raises a brow, grinning. “I think I know just the place.”
Satoru blinks. Then he laughs. “Palawan? It was beautiful, but a little far. She wants Yui and Izuku and the kids to come too.”
Hawks thinks it over. “Somewhere in the country then? But not even Okinawa will be warm enough at this time of year…”
He trails of when he catches the brief, glancing look that crosses over Satoru’s face; just a quick flick of his lashes, so slight if Hawks wasn’t lying so close to him he likely wouldn’t have even caught it. His stomach plummets.
Satoru had mentioned Okinawa in his stilted summary of his previous life. It was a lot of information, all at once, mired with daunting topics and laden with unhealed hurts that made muddling through the story difficult for both of them. Hawks would likely need several days to process it fully and slot it all on a timeline that he could wrap his head around, but this he remembers. Satoru had been tasked to protect a little girl, no older than Yui’s age, from multiple cults that wanted her dead for reasons she had no control over. He and his mission partner had taken her to Okinawa for her safety, then lingered afterwards to give her a taste of freedom before… before her ritual sacrifice.
He didn’t go into the details of the trip, but he didn’t need to. Just imagining that she’d died, brutally and tragically, mere hours after they must have played and frolicked along the shore… it's really no surprise Satoru would have a reaction like that to the place.
He squeezes Satoru’s hand, to acknowledge his pain without making him drag it out again by asking more on the subject. “How about somewhere nearby?” Hawks offers, as an alternative. He’s never explored the area, but he’s heard good things. “The beaches around here should be nice and quiet at this time of year. And if Eri wants to swim, we can go to a hot spring. We can save the real beach trip for later.”
“She’s never been to one of those either,” Satoru muses. “There’s plenty around Mt. Fuji, right? Maybe we can make a whole weekend out of it.”
Come to think on it, Hawks has never done any of the usual Mt. Fuji tourist attractions either. He’s never seen the need, when there was a point in the last few months where he was flying over it twice a week. But it’ll be fun, to take Eri, and Yui and her friends.
“We’ll pick a weekend, when this is all over, and we’ll plan it together,” Hawks promises, a burning determination simmering in his chest.
Hawks will never have the time unless he makes it, and come hell or high water, he will this time. He won’t let his work or even the country itself get in the way.
Satoru smiles softly at him. “Yeah. We’ll figure it out together.” He says, words filled with an equal amount of promise.
//
Satoru can all but feel his time slipping out of his hands, the threat of the army he’d left behind hanging over his head, but he’s determined to make the most of what little of it he has left.
He’s already messaged Tsukauchi with a time for a late morning meeting, with Hawks promising to meet him there after his own meeting with his mysterious handler-turned-revolutionary leader. Satoru is pretty curious to meet this infamous Kobayashi-san, the woman who is apparently the mastermind that’s been plotting the Commission’s downfall for more than a decade now, and also the closest thing to a parental figure Hawks has in his life, but he turns down the invitation to join Hawks when the hero offers. There’s something he still has to do— something he still has to say— that he can’t postpone any longer.
Hawks takes his leave with an amorous goodbye that leaves Satoru with wild, rucked up hair and kiss-bitten lips, and Satoru treads up the stairs to go wake Eri up.
He’s a little surprised she managed to sleep the whole night through without coming to his room for reassurance, but on second thought maybe he should have expected it. She’s never been a very good sleeper, and he can’t imagine his sudden disappearance from her life did her sleep schedule any favors. She probably desperately needed the rest.
Nonetheless she perks up immediately when he wakes her, looking shocked to see him there, and then terrified all at once when she then remembers his looming departure. She doesn’t say anything about it though, just clings to him as he picks her up and carries her to the kitchen.
He makes pancakes for breakfast, and layers them with whipped cream and strawberries until it vaguely resembles a shortcake, because it’s the closest he can currently get to giving her a birthday cake. She apparently already did a little celebration with Class 1-A, courtesy of his little bean sprout, and Satoru reminds himself to thank Izuku profusely for doing his best to cheer her up when he couldn’t be there for her. Eri tells him all about it as he makes their breakfast; someone named Sato-kun made her a delicious strawberry roll cake, everyone wore silly party hats, and in lieu of the usual presents involved in a birthday party, they had a karaoke party instead. She confides to him, very solemnly, that Shouto did not inherit his singing talents.
Even if he’d missed the actual day itself, she was happy to celebrate it with him now over a plate of pancakes. He’d even given the blasted Meow-san an extra helping of canned tuna and let him eat on the table with them for the occasion, which from the way she squeals in delight, was probably the best birthday present he could have given her.
Well, perhaps not the best. Or at least, he hopes not. Otherwise, the next few minutes are going to be terribly daunting.
“So, Eri-chan, I know it’s a little late for a birthday present or a Christmas present, but I did get you something…” He trails off, a little nervously.
Eri blinks at him, looking up from her aggressive petting of Meow with a bit of a trepidation. “A… present?”
He chuckles, and ruffles her bedraggled curls. “Don’t worry, it’s not wrapped.” He hesitates, hand going still over her head. “Actually, it’s not a thing that can be wrapped at all…”
Eri blinks again, expression turning curious. “It’s not? What is it?”
His hand is trembling a little, so he drops it from Eri’s hair and curls it in his lap. His voice is uneven and as tremulous as his hands as he says, “Well, it’s a name, if you want it.”
It’s pretty obvious Eri doesn’t understand what he’s really asking. She just frowns a bit, looking puzzled. Her brow furrows as she tilts her head. “... A name?”
Satoru swallows thickly. “Yeah. My family name. Would you want that, Eri-chan? To be a Todoroki, like me?”
He’s really not doing the best job of explaining this, because she still seems a bit confused.
“I’ll be a Todoroki? What does that mean?”
He lets out a shaky breath. “That means… that means we would be a family. That means you’d be my daughter, Eri-chan. Would you… would you like that?”
Eri just stares at him with wide eyes. And then, to his horror, bursts into tears.
He lurches forward, panicked and terrified. Some of that intrinsic panic subsides when she tumbles into his open arms without protesting, clinging desperately to him even as she continues to sob. Surely she doesn’t hate him, if she’s holding on to him like this, right? But it’s still not really the reaction he was expecting.
“E— Eri-chan?” He says, helplessly. “Is that— is that no good?”
To his relief she just holds on to him tighter, and shakes her head rapidly. He lets out a little laugh, nervous and relieved, as she crawls into his lap. “Okay, so is that a yes then?”
“Yes,” she sniffles, into his neck. She squeezes him so hard he thinks she must be using every ounce of strength she has to keep him in place, as if she’s scared he’ll disappear before her eyes. “Yes, yes, yes!”
He laughs again, this time in relief. “I’m glad to hear it. You had me worried there for a second, Eri-chan!”
She pulls away to wipe at her nose. “I’m sorry,” she says, getting snot all over both of them.
Satoru puts a gentle hand over the back of her head. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He brushes a couple wet, teary curls out of her face. “You don’t ever have to be sorry about how you feel, okay? You can be happy or sad if you want to.”
His expression turns a bit complicated as he adds, “And… and you don’t have to call me Papa or anything, if you don’t want to. But if you do… that’s okay too.”
Eri just rubs her eyes, then stares at him plainly as she says, “I can’t call you Papa.”
His mouth twists into a grimace of a smile. It’s not an unexpected response, but it still stings a bit. But he’s always known Eri has had a troubled past with her birth parents— her father in particular. He’s not sure what she called him, but everything about paternal figures must still be difficult for her to accept.
But then she continues on, utterly blindsiding him; “Hawks is Papa.”
His mouth drops open. His tongue feels like it’s stuck to his teeth as he flounders for a response. “He… he is?”
She shrugs. “That’s what Hamada-san at the daycare said.”
“Oh,” he says. His shoulders sag in relief as he pushes the hair off his forehead with a sigh.
He’d been terrified there, for a brief moment, that she’d somehow seen all the Sixwings baby news crowding the internet after Hawks’s outrageous confession yesterday. He has no idea what he’s supposed to do when she gets to an age where she can reliably navigate the internet. His past shitposting sins are seriously going to come back to haunt him.
“But that’s not true, because Hamada-san is a liar,” Eri continues. “Hamda-san also said you and Hawks were married, and that wasn’t true either.”
His relief came too soon, it seems. This is probably for the best, though. He needs to have a conversation with Eri about what it means to be famous, and having the entire world speculate on your private life.
“Yes, Hamada-san was wrong, but she’s not lying to you on purpose. She just doesn’t know the situation, so she’s just guessing. A lot… A lot of people are going to do that, unfortunately. Because Hawks and I are really famous people, so people are always going to be curious about us. And now that we’re going to be family, they’re going to be really curious about you, too, Eri-chan.”
He leans back against the counter and sighs. “I won’t lie to you, Eri-chan. What happened with Hamada-san is going to happen to you a lot, moving forward. Some people, like Hamada-san, will be nice and probably not mean it in a bad way. But other people will mean it in a bad way. That’s why it’s really important that you don’t answer when strangers try to ask you things.”
He pauses, taking stock of what he just said. Then he grins. “But I guess I don’t really have to teach you that! You’re already really good at that, aren’t you?”
Eri nods. “Whenever people ask me something I don’t want to answer, I tell them something silly, just like you told me too.”
Satoru looks down at her ruefully. “You remembered that, huh? You’re a really smart cookie, Eri-chan.”
Eri looks quite pleased for a moment. Then her expression falls, as she shifts in his lap. “But what if… what if I say something wrong? And not on purpose?”
His own cheerful expression falls at the unexpected question. “What do you mean, Eri-chan?”
She looks down, fingers twisting around the hem of her nightgown. “... I told everyone you and Hawks were married.”
He blinks. “... Huh?”
“At Yui-san’s Christmas party,” she reveals, distraught. “They were asking… and I thought it was true. I didn’t mean to lie that time. But when I told Hawks, he said you weren’t married.”
Satoru’s not sure if he wants to laugh or cry.
It won’t stay that way for long, if Hawks has any say about it.
At this point, Eri is worrying over nothing. He pats her head consolingly. “That’s okay, Eri-chan. You didn’t mean to lie. But… why did you think we were married?”
“You kiss him on the lips, and you told me not to do that to anyone unless you’re married.” She reminds him, brutally blunt in that way kids are when they’re just parroting back the nonsense you told them in the first place.
“I did say that, didn’t I? I guess this is on me.” He decides he may as well laugh at this point, because it’s still far too early for any kind of mental breakdown. “People get married when they’re in a romantic relationship, like Hawks and I are. But you don’t have to be married to be in a romantic relationship.”
Her expression turns a bit dismayed. “... So you don’t want to get married?”
He chokes on his own spit. “What? I— that’s— uh, I don’t… not want to get married?”
He’s truthfully never even thought about it, until all this was unexpectedly dropped on him. He’d avoided the hell out of marriage in his last life, and in this one it just never seemed pertinent to reconsider his stance. Of course, more recently he’d given it an idle thought or two, especially as it became clear his relationship with Hawks was getting serious— but definitely more as an abstract. Something to consider far, far into the future.
Well, that future is closer than he thought, because Hawks had sort of, maybe, possibly, already proposed to him? And the entire world was there to witness it? So now it has to be top of mind, because there’s no way he’ll get away with not commenting on it? And especially not now, when he agreed to film exclusive content with Gentle and La Brava? There’s no way those hapless romantics aren’t going to bring it up the moment they can.
And to be clear, Hawks hasn’t actually asked him anything yet. He just alluded to it. A lot. On live television.
Satoru sighs.
Yeah, okay. He’s going to have to take some time to sit down and really work through his thoughts on this, because Hawks might have admitted that entire speech was unplanned and unexpected even for him, but that didn’t make it untrue. He might not have meant to ask him like that, but he certainly still meant it.
Satoru pats her head again, then hoists her up so he can start cleaning the remains of their breakfast before the cat can get into the whipped cream. Eri peers up at him, evidently waiting for a better answer than his current response.
He decides there’s no reason not to be honest with her. “It’s a little more complicated than a yes or no question, Eri-chan… but I’m definitely going to give it some serious and proper consideration.”
That’s all he really can do, for now, when they’re both currently in the eye of the storm, with too many obligations and the entire fate of the entire hero industry bearing down on them. And in the meanwhile, he’s managed to sort out one big life decision, and actually handled it with more tears but less complications than he’d initially expected. He supposes he ought to take it one step at a time, and chalk it up as a win.
He withholds a sigh, as he scoops up their plates and carts them towards the sink.
He’s well aware it’s literally all chaos of his own making, but sometimes he really can’t believe the amount of stress he’s capable of procuring for himself within a twenty-four hour timeframe. He’s adopted a small child, confessed to having a past life, agreed to overthrow a cult and possibly the federal government while he’s at it, and now he’s here debating marriage of all things. The threat of civil war isn’t enough for him, huh? No, he has to go and drag babies and marriage into the equation while he’s at it.
Satoru snorts. Even Anakin Skywalker wasn’t this much of a hot mess.
He blinks, going very still.
Now there’s an idea.
And while his inspiration is striking hot, he really ought to prepare his own obituary while he’s at it, because Makoto is going to murder him for this.
Cc: t [email protected]
Subject: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Hey so -
About that vlog series I said I’d do with you guys… I’m thinking we should do a trilogy, and we’re gonna call it Star Wars. And the first episode is gonna be The Phantom Menace.
With too much panic and not enough disco ✌️
Ru-kun
