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Guilt wraps itself around Ryuunosuke’s bones like a weight that clings onto him, gnawing at him like an ailing reminder of everything, it had first seeped into his skin when he gained consciousness grasping for air, realization cutting through the air like a sniper had shot the bullet, if he had lived, where was Atsushi? Did he fail at saving Atsushi? He ripped at the wires that beeped for weeks to keep his system alive, thrashing, his throat raw, wrapped in bandages, he couldn’t speak yet, but his mind screaming for the silver hair and warm ametrine eyes, using Rashomon as his second pair of limbs, until he had to be physically restrained by his mentors, screaming at him to calm down, muttering to him that Atsushi lived, Atsushi survived thanks to him. But where was Atsushi? Why did they keep them away from each other? When he’d finally seen the younger man, so fragile and small. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach, aching and heavy as he reluctantly pried smaller rough fair hands off of his back, the memory of Atsushi’s tears spilling over, his face scrunched fighting off hellhounds that haunted him in his sleep, “Ryuu, please, please” it was a whisper only loud enough for Ryuunosuke to hear, Atsushi still deep in sleep, he swallowed the nails building in his throat before he could look at Atsushi any longer. The blanket pools at Ryuunosuke’s waist as he sits up in his bed that feels far too big after being held so close and he brings his knees to his chest. The cold bites at him from him forgetting to put a shirt on before crashing into bed, it also bites from the loss of Atsushi, he thinks it’s the latter, he knows there are faded marks on his back from when Atsushi clutched onto him like he was what kept Atsushi grounded just a few hours ago. “Ryuu, please, please come back to me. Ryuu, please, I can’t do this, Ryuunosuke, please, I’ll do anything, just please come back to me” , it bears to repeat itself in Ryuunosuke’s head, he takes a deep breath, his resolve undeniably cracked as realization hits him, he feels burning in his throat, he rests his chin on his knees, and he runs his hand through his bedhead roughly.
Ryuunosuke had never really brought himself to think about how the younger would react, how the younger would be affected if he were ever to pass. It wasn’t a topic that ever arose, perhaps it was arrogance that he was strong enough to dodge death, maybe it was his subconscious unwavering faith in Nakajima Atsushi as if Atsushi were a deity who held his life with care, that Atsushi wouldn’t just let Ryuunosuke die, so the conversation never really held any significance. Now it sits heavy in the atmosphere, Atsushi only knows Ryuunosuke’s last breath telling him to go, to save himself, but he wonders just how much it replays in the younger’s head. He realizes just how it had ripped Atsushi apart to the younger’s core, but he keeps wondering why it had gotten that bad. Ryuunosuke has thought about the situation reversed every now and again, as morbid as it is, he, unfortunately, had the time to do so, he’s never been fond of paperwork. But what if he wasn’t strong enough or cunning enough to save Atsushi? Ryuunosuke remembers his breath caught in his throat when he was told the elaborate plan for him to fight alongside Atsushi, his mind tunnels to Atsushi, how did he manage to let Atsushi slip away? Was Atsushi hurt? Was Byakko still healing Atsushi?
Ryuunosuke wonders how the situation would’ve been if the roles were reversed now, where he would have to watch Atsushi die and he would be left to mourn, to regret, to resent. Or would he also be overwhelmingly paralyzed by grief? He suffocates in it, drowning in his own sorrow. But then he remembers how he is at confronting his own feelings, or the awful lack thereof, he deals with his emotions like a foreign body, like an illness that needs to be expelled from his system. The promise for him and Atsushi to simply sit down and talk, to define whatever was going on between them was due to his lack of confrontation with his own emotions. He then realizes that if Atsushi were the one to have faked his death, any semblance of a heart would’ve died with Atsushi instead, for Ryuunosuke, Atsushi was—is his heart, he would never admit that to any breathing soul, especially not around a disgusting old doctor. He knows he would have become a ghost of himself and burn the whole world over until nothing is left of it, just like how he would’ve become, he shakes his head, this situation is better, Atsushi for all his selflessness, let himself burn until it reached his core just so he doesn’t burn the world that had ruthlessly taken Ryuunosuke from him, he let his grief consume him alive instead.
A question sits in Ryuunosuke’s head, what exactly transpired after his pseudo-death that broke Atsushi to his very being? He grabs his phone off of the side table to check the time, 9:23 AM , he had sneaked to visit Atsushi after his first field mission back at 11 PM, then he had fallen asleep only to be awoken by another field mission that didn’t finish until 5 in the morning. If he’s going to be thrown in the field as if he had never died, he might as well get an answer for the question that sits heavy on his shoulders, he angrily jabs out a text for someone who has the answer to his question. He moves to place his phone back, it vibrates in his hand, he scoffs and rolls his eyes as he scans the text from Mori Ougai.
Ryuunosuke wonders if there’s an ability user that can peek into his mind, that can look into all the crevices and nooks of his mind made up of his childhood in the slums with Gin, the currency of sugar, the murder of children he had seen as his kin, Osamu Dazai’s hardened amber gaze and manic grin, gun meticulously pointed at him as he heaves crimson, when he grasps for oxygen after a nightmare from robbing others’ lives, the change of heart and ongoing battle of emotions, or his wavering loyalty to the Port Mafia. Will the ability user see more? Much deeper into the labyrinth that is Ryuunosuke’s cognitive makeup; memories of ametrine eyes crinkling up at him accompanied by the sound of a soft warm laugh, soft smiles, and the smell of asphalt, green tea, and vanilla after a mission, a voice that sings his nickname, or anger which wavers his loyalty. So much anger burned in his core, Ryuunosuke could scorch the entirety of the world with the anger that bubbled in his chest when thin fair hands turned rough shook, and desperately reached out to him. He had to fight every ounce of his soul telling him to grab those hands, to keep the other afloat for both of their safety. Anger as he meticulously fixes his facade into neutrality boring into cold red irises specked with purple, “Akutagawa-kun, see to it that you complete this mission with no complications, after all the niceties I’ve offered, I see you owe me just that much.” words are shards of ice. Still, Ryuunosuke’s used to the harsh winters and jarring torture methods, and he was much sharper than he let on, Mori Ougai didn’t need to be made aware, that Ryuunosuke’s grown past being a rabid hellhound with no sense of critical thinking or own opinion, that Ryuunosuke’s become more calculated in his movements, his words, his interactions, especially with him.
Ryuunosuke remembers the conversation with the same man just yesterday, Mori had beckoned him into his office, the same sadistic tight lined smile plastered on his face as always, his ability to creep Ryuunosuke out never really ceased. “Akutagawa-kun, you’re a free man” Mori said cooly, Ryuunosuke didn’t understand what that statement meant, hadn’t he always been free? The Port Mafia paid a hefty amount or took extraordinary measures for him to never actually be held captive in some government jail cell or facility. “I know you’re practically itching to let that little tiger-boy know you’re alive” Mori continues as if listing off items on a grocery list, Ryuunosuke freezes, subtly sucking in a breath, “Boss, my sincerest apologies, but I don’t understand—“, “Akutagawa-kun, you’re free to let anyone know you’re alive” Mori interrupts him smiling at him, he eyes Mori subtly, he knows there’s a catch, it’s never that simple with Mori Ougai, it’s like walking in a landmine and only Mori has the metal detector. It sinks in, he can let Atsushi know he’s alive, he can see Atsushi, hold him close, and let him feel his beating heart.
Mori lets out a snicker, “Ah young love, isn’t it? Akutagawa-kun you know I still have conditions, you are not to see him until he’s mentally capable. I mean who knows what’ll happen if he finally loses it” Mori says pointedly, grinning at nothing, it sends a chill down Ryuunosuke’s spine, as if Mori wouldn’t be more than elated to have Atsushi lose his grounding, to lose his sense of humanity, to lose absolute control of himself and become Mori’s weapon, Ryuunosuke can’t let that happen. But his hearing tunnels, he realizes he’s just been instructed to wait again before letting Atsushi know he’s alive and fully functioning, from what he’s gathered, Atsushi’s struggling, Atsushi’s grip is slipping constantly between reality and nightmares as if he’s being forced to live out his worst fears, Ryuunosuke doesn’t know why, the few people who knew of his faked death have only ever told him it was related to his fake passing. How will Atsushi even become mentally capable again if he doesn’t get to actually see Ryuunosuke? “I understand, boss, thank you,” he says instead as he takes a bow, he turns to leave the room, “Your significance to the tiger-boy has made his mind unsound, if only I knew then what I know now,” Mori says, Ryuunosuke can see the wicked grin on his boss’ face, it takes everything for Ryuunosuke not to punch it off of him. Once he leaves the office, he makes his way to his field mission with every intention of finishing an hour or two early to find his way to the agency.
Ryuunosuke brings himself back to the current reality, “Yes boss” he replies curtly, maintaining apathy in his silver irises, he takes a bow and turns to leave, “I’ll make sure that you’re regularly updated on the little feline’s conditions, considering your questionable importance to him” Mori says, he stops in his steps, he can feel Mori leaning his chin on his intertwined hands he offers an empty grin with his head tilted, he can feel Mori anticipate his next move, patronizing him. Ryuunosuke sees Mori Ougai for all the sinister harrowing man he is now, he taunts Ryuunosuke in a dark path with a false promise to see the sun, and he taunts Ryuunosuke with the promise of warmth after practically plunging him to the depths of the ocean. Ryuunosuke’s always known how to harbor loathing towards another person, detachment, ruthlessness, hostility, but he’s never so much needed to hate, he thinks it takes too much energy and mental space to do so, but as Mori utters those words, it takes every ounce of Ryuunosuke to stop himself from letting hatred consume him and slicing Mori Ougai’s unsettling grin off that vile human being’s face, if he can refer to Mori Ougai as a human being. He turns back at the bane of his existence, “That’s too kind of you, boss. No need to bother yourself with such matters, I’ll see to it I accomplish what is needed on my end, after all, it is the least I can do” he says cooly, he takes another bow and exits Mori’s office. “Akutagawa-sen—”, “Higuchi, I need you to take me to the airport”, the blonde scrambles and nods eagerly. Higuchi walks one step behind him as they make their way to his office, no one dares to look him in the eye, if it’s out of fear or bewilderment that a dead man is not so dead after all. Or is it a third option, irritation bubbling at their core that he managed to barely scrape past death, a faint white line across his neck evidence of the event.
Ryuunosuke throws his office door open, his senses pick up someone else in his office, Nakahara Chuuya. “Higuchi, wait for me outside, I have a matter to discuss with, Chuuya-san” Ryuunosuke says still staring at the chair facing away from the door, Higuchi reluctantly nods and bows as she steps out from his office, and he closes the door. “My boy Akutagawa, you seem chipper, especially in your text,” the redhead says as he turns the seat holding his phone up, a little theatric, Ryuunosuke thinks, he keeps the comment to himself, it’s akin to a comment his brunette mentor would’ve snarked to his redhead mentor. “I’m practically bursting at the seams, Chuuya-san,” he says bored, the older rolls his sapphire irises, he knows Ryuunosuke better than they both let on, he deeply cares for the younger’s wellbeing as far as extending it to the Jinko, his mentee’s, his mentee’s fellow mentee? His mentee’s? What is he to Ryuunosuke? Chuuya knows he’s in no position to question their arrangement seeing as he’s only cleared his own situation not too long ago, but he’s only human (in a possessing a god within you kind of way), it genuinely took him by surprise to hold Ryuunosuke with force to prevent him from lashing out at any soul that wasn’t Atsushi when he had gained consciousness. He looks at Ryuunosuke now, who’s currently masked his emotions in hardened sediments of cold apathy possibly to protect his true emotions from the world, from Mori Ougai. Ryuunosuke looks to the window, jaw clenched, his silver irises darkened, a slight twitch in his eyebrow muscle, “have a little trust in me, will you?” Chuuya says taking Ryuunosuke out of his head, he snorts as he sees the younger look at him as if he had been caught in the act. Silence envelopes them, Ryuunosuke knows better than anyone (except Osamu Dazai) just how Chuuya has minuscule trust in Mori Ougai, more than willing to follow that sadistic doctor’s instructions but would rather get swallowed by a black hole than place his life in the doctor’s hands, ironic isn’t it? Mori Ougai is a doctor who took an oath to save lives, yet he leads the Port Mafia with great fervor, his methods are often too questionable, even for his most ruthless assassins, Ryuunosuke thinks. Chuuya thinks it’s all the same pathetic and questionable to use Ryuunosuke’s Jinko (he should clear that up) to make the younger man be at his beck and call.
“How was it?” Chuuya asks looking Ryuunosuke in the eye, Ryuunosuke drops a portion of his facade, a flash of worry and frustration cloud his eyes, “well you jumped straight to the point”, he replies looking away, “I’m not one to wax poetry like that shitty Mackarel, you also have an overseas mission after all” Chuuya barks with no bite. Ryuunosuke sighs clenching and unclenching his fists as if trying to wrack his brain for the answer, “Take your time, as if there’s no dingy overseas mission awaiting you, I know you saw him last night, right after your first field mission back” Chuuya says matter-of-factly, he leans back on the leather chair. Ryuunosuke walks closer looking around as if anyone can just sneak into his office until he’s directly in front of his (own) desk, “are you the only one who knows?” Ryuunosuke says it in a whisper, his Adam’s apple bobs nervously, he looks like he’s holding a breath, the last thing he needs is people finding out he went to Atsushi when there was a strict order for him not to do so, especially after Mori used his knowledge on Ryuunosuke's feelings for Atsushi to get him to behave. Chuuya nods cautiously, just who is the Jinko to Ryuunosuke for him to suddenly have fear sit on his shoulders so openly? Ryuunosuke exhales sits on the plush velvet chair and leans his head back, he closes his eyes and frowns, he drops his entire facade as he lets out a deep breath. “You know I’m… I–I’m under strict order, not to see him, well at least until he’s mentally capable? That’s the term boss used. But, Chuuya-san, you saw him too, didn’t you?” Ryuunosuke finally says, his voice tired, he opens his silver eyes and adjusts to sit up straight, Chuuya isn’t sure what to say, under strict order? What is Mori even thinking? He sighs, “I doubt I received the same reaction you received”, he looks at the younger pointedly, trying to ignore the statement about Mori. Ryuunosuke shifts so he can prop his elbows on his knees and cover his face with his hands, he sighs again, “I suppose I’d get jealous if you garnered the same reaction I did”, he says quietly, Chuuya lets out a small laugh but eyes Ryuunosuke, “what happened?” he asks concerned, a realization bubbles in his chest, worry blossoming for his mentee, and another emotion he doesn’t want to acknowledge. Ryuunosuke takes a shaky breath, “He… Jink—Atsushi, he doesn’t think I’m real, Chuuya. He can’t grasp the concept that I’m not dead, I’m sure Dazai-san’s told you, that Atsushi thinks he hallucinated me. Th–that, that’s why I texted you, that’s why I don’t get what boss playing at” His voice comes out quieter than he means to, Chuuya nods to the best of his understanding, “Well, you were, to him at least for more than half a year, my boy. You can’t put that against him. And who knows what that creep is playing at, ever” he says comfortingly, trying to mask something else he knows. Ryuunosuke makes a face at the mention of their boss, Chuuya waves it off, “I-I–I’m not, I would never, I could never do that to him, to Atsushi. I just–he just, he’s so broken now as if something more had happened, I never knew he’d be that affected by my death, I feel I’ve done enough damage, no?” the younger says, Chuuya’s never heard Ryuunosuke sound so… defeated, as if you’d ripped half of him away from him, his chest aches, he recognizes that feeling too well, he shakes his head. But Chuuya knows more than what Fukuzawa, Mori, and Dazai have allowed Ryuunosuke to know (for Ryuunosuke’s own sake, and well any living soul’s safety with the truce and alliance in place), Chuuya had tried to reason out that Ryuunosuke should know, guilt sits heavy on his throat wanting to be let out. “Yo–you didn’t damage him, Akutagawa, I know you wouldn’t. Granted, I think there are some missing screws right now that they’re trying to sort out. I think how everyone treated your pseudo-death towards him was torture in itself, they–well everyone, including myself honestly, expected him to shed a tear or two and brush himself off and get up and throw a punch.” Chuuya stops himself before he rambles more.
But Ryuunosuke looks at him alert, “Missing screws they’re trying to sort out?” he repeats the statement like a question trying to clarify what it means to the older man, Chuuya moves rigidly trying to avoid Ryuunosuke’s gaze, realizing Ryuunosuke is much more intelligent and quick-witted than he lets on. “I think I should know what actually happened, Chuuya-san” Ryuunosuke says pointedly, he fully looks at his mentor, who’s avoiding his eye, “I think I can be owed that much, I’m being sent overseas, forced to be away from him again to prevent that creep doctor from laying a finger on him, what happened, Chuuya-san?” voice sharper and coated with ice, Ryuunosuke respects and cares for his mentor, but he followed an instruction so obediently, he didn’t allow himself to indulge in how the other was doing, to break protocol and let his existence be known, he did everything on his part just to find out important information on Atsushi’s wellbeing is being held from him, he hates Mori Ougai to that creep’s core. “You’ve become quicker at catching details, haven’t you” Chuuya says instead, Ryuunosuke scoffs, “I learned from the best, didn’t I?”
There’s tension building in the air, Ryuunosuke gazes at his mentor who decides to look towards the window, “Chuuya-san” his voice still cold, “Fuck. Okay, but you have to promise not to lash out, you have to promise that you keep your head above water, Akutagawa” Chuuya gives in but he looks at Ryuunosuke. Ryuunosuke nods and motions for Chuuya to continue, “No, you have to verbally say that you promise not to lose your cool” Chuuya says sternly, “Fine whatever, I promise, what happened?” Ryuunosuke retorts. Chuuya rolls his eyes and takes a deep breath, “Atsushi–th—the Jinko, your Jinko, he was hit with an ability and held captive” Chuuya finally says gazing back at him, Ryuunosuke curls his hands into fists, he feels his nails dig into his palms, anger swims in his silver irises. He’s quiet but eyes his mentor to continue, “the ability… That stupid ability was a sort of mind control, almost like what was done to you.” Chuuya lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, “Except instead of becoming a mindless undead vampire, it allows the wielder to make the affected relive their worst fears, everything they loathe constantly taunting them in the head until they comply. The ability though, once it hits, still keeps you completely conscious like you’re aware of your current reality but paralyzed by your own worst fear. So, the Jinko, he just kept having to relive his worst fears over and over unless he complied, that’s how Dazai explained it.” he pauses, eyeing Ryuunosuke, mouth in a straight line, jaw clenched so hard he could probably crack a tooth, silver eyes still beckoning him to continue. “You know him, you know Jinko better than anyone, how self-sacrificing he is, he would rather be burned alive to prevent from the world being burned over. Dazai and I got to him after it got to the point that he was passed out from the torture and he wasn’t healing himself. Some of his injuries, they seemed self-inflicted, probably were” The last sentence barely leaves Chuuya’s mouth, regret and guilt sits heavy in the atmosphere.
Ryuunosuke rubs his face harshly and exhales, “How bad could his worst fear be, he could’ve easi—”, Chuuya frowns at him, “My boy, do you not realize? Jinko watched you die over and over until his own body gave up, Dazai even thinks the ability fabricates and exaggerates your worst fear” Chuuya interrupts him, he freezes, eyes wide, Ryuunosuke feels like a bucket of ice had been thrown at him, everything finally starts to piece itself together, “I can gather that you realized why Jinko didn’t think you were real and he even repeatedly asked for you not to leave, just for Mori to coincidently call you for an early morning mission” Chuuya says pointedly. Ryuunosuke nods in defeat, he leans back on the chair, “What–what do I do? I just–I just go? I just go on the overseas mission? How about, how about him? Atsushi? What if–what if I made it worse?” he rambles, Chuuya puts a hand up signaling for him to calm down, “no you didn’t, you’re going to go on that mission, speed up the process if you have to. I’ll update you on Jinko, I’ll keep an eye out for him. I sincerely doubt the boss is insane enough to go against the enemy leader in the middle of our permanent truce and even alliance, I just need you to do one thing before you leave” Chuuya says pointedly, Ryuunosuke bites his lip, “have a little trust in me, my boy” Chuuya looks at him, “I’ll try” Ryuunosuke responds.
Atsushi felt like someone had broken into the infirmary to maim him, the pain sears and makes him sit up in pain, he clutches his chest, Kenji stands up abruptly, to support him, holding his shoulder, he offers him a comforting smile, Kyoka eyes him with worry not sure how to help. “Cardiac pain, Costochondritis, and shortness of breath,” Yosano says looking at the clipboard, she sighs, and he avoids looking at her. She looks at him with worry, “Atsushi”, she says gently as if coaxing a small tiger out of hiding, Atushi shakes his head, his chest still hurting, “Aku–he, he’s alive. I resuscitated him myself in the Port Mafia headquarters,” she says slowly, he flinches at the mention of Ryuunosuke. He looks forward dazed, Ryuunosuke’s not alive, he knows, he knows it too well, he watched Ryuunosuke’s last breath over and over, it replays in his head so much, that he watched Ryuunosuke become a puppet of a vile being, it played in his head until he screamed and thrashed, trying to bash his head on the cold concrete for it to stop. The infirmary is silent as if waiting for Atsushi to absorb the information that Ryuunosuke is alive, God, Atsushi wants to believe, he wants to wake up from this nightmare and get ready for a joint mission with the older man, who offers him small smiles and quiet husky laughs, who offers him side comments that are always funnier than whatever they were discussing, a warm look when it’s just them two that makes Atsushi’s heart feel, well he could never pinpoint what the feeling was, but it was good, warm, soft even. Atsushi wants Ryuunosuke to be alive, to dryly tell him he was messing with him, as morbid as it is, to smile at him and tell him he never breaks his promises, he just wants Ryuunosuke back. “Atsushi-san, Akutagawa-san was here last night, it was really him,” Kenji says softly, Atsushi pauses, if Ryuunosuke is really alive then the last night was real like what Kenji said, but he knows it isn’t because the moment he woke up, Ryuunosuke was gone, and he’d wept so hard he lost consciousness again. But Ryuunosuke felt so real last night, Atsushi’s brain had signaled a red light to get a grip of reality, perhaps, but Atsushi’s heart reached out and gripped as tight as he could instead, maybe if he gripped tight enough, Ryuunosuke would stay, he’d be alive, let out a quiet laugh and kiss his cheeks again, maybe if he held Ryuunosuke long enough, he’d stay. “Atsushi-kun, he was really here last night, even Dazai-san says so” Kyoka’s quiet voice interrupts his rumination. There’s a knock on the door, Yosano opens it, and Kenji and Kyoka get called by Kunikida who eyes Atsushi with concern.
Atsushi avoids looking Yosano in the eye, he hears her moving around, she pulls a chair towards his bed and sits, she eyes the black fleece jacket pooled at his waist on top of his blanket, “I’m not going to make any comments on what your relationship is with him. I’m going to be honest with you, Atsushi, I was reluctant to revive him. But then, his little sister mentioned you, to save him not just for her, but for you too. Then I remembered, I remembered how we were going to lose–we were going to lose you, if you lost him” She breaks the silence as if letting the needle drop, he looks at her guilty, and she sighs shaking her head. “So I did everything to revive him, but I still had reservations, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you’re brave and kind and warm, whereas no one could ever tell what he was thinking or feeling, he seemed so cold and ruthless, I even doubted how he reciprocated your feelings. But then, when he gained consciousness, he started searching frantically, ripping wires out of his skin, his throat patched up, pushing people aside, Rashomon acting as his extra limbs to search, and then I realized he was searching for you . I tried to call out to him to tell him you were okay, but he was almost manic, lost in his search, he couldn’t hear or see anything or anyone, trying desperately to find you. It wasn’t until Chuuya and Dazai had arrived to physically restrain him and calm him down, they had to reassure him that you, you were alive and safe.” she takes a deep breath after offloading that information, it sinks in, Atsushi looks at her hurt. He wants to ask how long has Ryuunosuke been alive. Why did no one bother to tell him? Where had he been then? Was he alive after or before Atsushi’s abduction? How many people actually knew and kept it a secret from him? Did they keep it a secret for Ryuunosuke’s safety or his own? Or both of theirs? “Atsushi-kun” Osamu’s hand grips his hand in tiger form, his hand transforms back to normal with a slight flash of blue, his eyes squint at the sudden brightness, he wasn’t even aware he had transformed, he wasn’t even aware Osamu had walked in the infirmary. There are specks of red on the white blanket, he hisses at the pain. Atushi flinches his hand away, and his hand stings, it doesn’t heal, “Only Dazai, Chuuya, Gin, Fukuzawa-sensei, Mori-sensei, and well me, only we knew, Atsushi. We couldn’t tell you because there were people after you two as a pair, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Fukuzawa-sensei made sure to sort everything out before he could let people know. We were going to tell you after the night he visited but you lost consciousness again” Yosano says anything before Atsushi can do anything else.
Atsushi looks down at the jacket on his lap, then the red specks of blood on the blanket again, he knows he should say something, but the words die in his throat, and his head feels heavy, he looks at Yosano then Osamu, both expecting him to say something, but he can’t, he isn’t sure he knows how to without everything hurting. Atsushi curls into a ball and hides under the layers of cloth. The pain in his chest pierces at him for ignoring it, he clutches his chest again, he scrunches his face, he hears Osamu sigh, he can feel the older man gaze at him through the layers. “Atsushi-kun, hat—Chuuya and I, we’re practically placing a bounty on our heads for this, okay?” This confuses Atsushi, what is this? And as far as he knew Osamu and Chuuya have multiple bounties on their heads that are meaningless seeing as Chuuya and Osamu are themselves and are more than capable of handling flimsy targets on their heads. “I have a surprise” Osamu continues wiggling his fingers over the cloth, Atsushi shuffles under the bundle of cloth trying to get the feeling off of him, “Dazai” he hears Yosano call out sternly, “it’s a good one I promise, but it can only be a short visit, okay? You have to get out of your little cocoon for me” Osamu ignores Yosano, he singsongs, and he hears someone else enter, Atsushi’s heart skips a beat. “Ta—” he hears someone drag Osamu out of the infirmary before he can finish, Atsushi thinks it’s probably Chuuya or Kunikida, he hears Yosano shuffle and get off the chair, “Next time, stay until the morning. You already broke in anyway. I took him off dextrose just a while ago, but he’s barely drinking water, he hasn’t bothered to eat much either. He always complies to take showers and brush his teeth, I'm sure that much you know, but other than that, he still hasn’t spoken much. Atsushi, perhaps you’ll be able to say something now?” Yosano sighs patting him before leaving, Atsushi can still sense someone else in the infirmary, he doesn’t want to bother checking, he hugs himself tighter with the layers of cloth protecting him from whoever it is.
Ryuunosuke slowly walks towards the black lump, his(?) black lump, he thinks. He sets the flowers he brought in the vase Kenji had handed to him, the chazuke he bought for the little black lump he places on the side table, and he sets the stuffed black cat on top of the lump. He takes off his cap and sunglasses and places it on the side table as well, he sits on the chair by the bed, staring at the lump, it, well he shifts a couple of times, he’s not sure what to say, he recounts their last interaction, Atsushi was drowning in his grief, convinced he had hallucinated Ryuunosuke, convinced he had given into his hallucination, Ryuunosuke tried so desperately to pull Atsushi out from drowning in his grief, cupping the younger’s face above the water. Ryuunosuke watches as a thin pale wounded hand comes out from the lump to feel for the stuffed black cat, he eyes the hand concerned, why hasn’t he self-healed? Is it perhaps a side effect of what he had endured? He props his elbows over his thighs and leans on his hands, he watches as the stuffed animal is sucked in by the black lump. He opens his mouth to say something, but the words get caught in his throat, he clears his throat, he’s never been good at comforting people, Atsushi is, Atsushi for all his warmth, his kindness, his care, Atsushi's good at comforting, Atsushi is good at being light, at being love, at giving love, Ryuunosuke being the obedient recipient, he realizes. Ryuunosuke hesitantly reaches a hand over the black lump, “nice jacket” he manages to say as he pats the lump twice, he internally scoffs at himself and moves his hand away, that’s the most idiotic thing anyone can say, but he’s always at a loss for words when it comes to Atsushi. He’s about to say something, until the lump shifts, and Atsushi hesitantly comes out from under, wiggling out from his protection from the outside world, the black fleece and white blanket pools at his small waist, his pink lips chapped and fixed in a frown, his silver tresses in several directions, the shirt they’d dressed him in sizes too big, hangs on one shoulder, his collarbones protruding, he has a bandage on his other hand where the dextrose had been, he isn’t healing Ryuunosuke takes note again, his cheeks hollow, eyelashes flutter as he adjusts to the fluorescent lights, sunset irises finally look at Ryuunosuke, it takes his breath away, just like it did when he got to see Atsushi last night after all those months, just like it did every other time he got to see Atsushi.
Ryuunosuke notices the slight bruising under Atsushi’s eyes, how red-rimmed and glassy those ametrine eyes still are. Atsushi bites his lip looking down at his hands, he suddenly winces clutching his chest, Ryuunosuke gets up from the chair about to pull the younger into his arms, he shakes his head at the older man, and he sits back down. Atsushi lets out a deep breath, waves of silver following his movement, Atsushi squirms under his gaze, he doesn’t remember the last time he properly saw Ryuunosuke, technically it would’ve been last night, Atsushi wonders if this is real, but this Ryuunosuke seems so real, Yosano did say after all. He slowly looks at the older man, worry? Concern? Regret? Since when has Ryuunosuke worn his emotions like that? Atsushi realizes if this is real, this is how Ryuunosuke usually looks at him when he jumps into the line of fire to save him or both of them, he’d jump into the depths of hell if it meant Ryuunosuke looked at him like that, looked at him with warmth and care always. The thought that this Ryuunosuke isn’t real gnaws at him, he shakes his head and takes another deep breath, “you know” Atsushi manages to say, it takes Ryuunosuke by surprise, his voice small and tired, he motions for Atsushi to continue. “When– when you died, I became so angry, then they used you to–to…” he lets out a breath, he coughs, holding his chest, “hold on” Atsushi breathes, he winces at the sudden use of his voice, Ryuunosuke grabs the glass of water and holds it for Atsushi, he helps Atsushi drink.
Ryuunosuke sets the glass down and holds Atsushi’s hand before the younger man can protest, they both look at their intertwined hands, the older rubbing soft circles over his bandage, “You don’t have to–”, “I want to, I need to, Ryuu. I need to say, I need to say this because I’m still trying, trying to–to make sense of this, all this” Atsushi interrupts him and lets out a shaky breath. Silence envelopes them, the silence that sat with them on stakeouts right before dawn broke or right before the sky reflected Atsushi’s eyes, it should comfort Ryuunosuke, but it makes him uneasy knowing just how much Atsushi's struggling. “I’m so tired of crying, Ryuu,” Atsushi says quietly tightening his hold on Ryuunosuke’s hand, “I’m just so tired, but I don’t seem to be running out of tears” he lets out a dry laugh as tears fall, just like the one last night, Ryuunosuke ignores internal protests and thumbs Atsushi’s tears away with his other hand, the younger leans into his hand. Silence hangs over them, Ryuunosuke wants to kiss the sadness away, he wants to kiss Atsushi so roughly to expel the grief out of the younger’s system, but Atsushi needs careful touches and reassuring words right now, that much Ryuunosuke knows. “I didn’t know I could feel that much-that–that much anger, God, I was-I–I was so angry at everyone, at–at everything. I hate–hated everything, I hate–I hated the world, the universe so much, I never mustered up that much hate when I was in that stupid orphanage, the orphanage, Ryuu! The place that tortured me, the place that treated me like I was scum, I was a parasite, but the world, the universe managed to garner enough hate from me when they took you. They took you from me, Ryuu. I hated you because you broke your promise, you promised” Atsushi manages to say in hiccups, Ryuunosuke feels the tears on his own cheeks, but he doesn’t bother to wipe them, he needs to keep holding Atsushi’s face, he needs to keep holding onto Atsushi, he needs to keep proving to Atsushi that he's real.
Atsushi lets go of Ryuunosuke’s hand to wipe the older man’s tears, he gasps but leans into the younger’s touch, Ryuunosuke cups Atsushi’s other cheek. “I-I couldn’t visit your grave you know. I just–I just, I couldn’t, but I tried to, I really tried but I felt like if I saw–if I saw that stupid carved rock, your tombstone, it would make it real–tha-that you were gone. Then, I would break my promise to you of waiting for it to all be over so we could resolve us because then I’d have to stop waiting” Atsushi says closing his eyes, nuzzling into Ryuunosuke’s hand. He slowly opens his eyes and looks Ryuunosuke in the eye, the gold still stricken with grief swims to meet Amethyst stricken with sorrow, still not believing Ryuunosuke’s alive and breathing. But Ryuunosuke’s trying to comprehend being able to hold Atsushi again, “I didn’t, I didn’t break my promise, Jinko. I was just a little late this time” he manages to say. Atsushi frowns and takes his hand away from Ryuunosuke’s face and moves away from Ryuunosuke’s hands, Ryuunosuke mirrors his expression, “Jinko” Ryuunosuke says. Atsushi looks away, “Atsushi” Ryuunosuke says gently, Atsushi’s breath hitches, his name sounds so different when it comes from Ryuunosuke, he looks at Ryuunosuke, his Ryuunosuke with a sharp jawline and strong cheekbones, a pointed nose with a slight crook from an injury he had gotten when he was younger, his Ryuunosuke who’s milky long slender hands curled into fists, his Ryuunosuke who’s watching his every move with his silver ocean eyes that Atsushi can get lost in any day.
“Ryuu” Atsushi breathes, “I need–I need to, I need to finish what I have to say” he finally continues, he tries to curl his hand into a fist, but Ryuunosuke grasps it lightly, tracing the wounds he’d inflicted on himself by accident. Atsushi watches the older man, he frowns at his wounded hand, tracing the wounds with feather-light touches, this Ryuunosuke’s real? Atsushi isn’t so sure, “I-I’m, I’m not healing the way I’m supposed to” his voice quiet, stormy eyes gaze at him, and a tear falls, Ryuunosuke rushes to cup his face, “Atsushi,” he says softly, Atsushi closes his eyes feeling Ryuunosuke’s touch. “I got abducted, that’s what they say. Hit with an ability” Atsushi says quietly, Ryuunosuke looks at him knowingly, “wh–why’d they keep us away from each other for so long?” it comes out as a whisper, Ryuunosuke’s heart aches, he wishes he knew the answer, the formal answer was the stupid ability user that targeted Atsushi, but they’re unstoppable together, but they were kept apart. “Chuuya-san, he told me. About what happened I mean” Ryuunosuke answers, it doesn’t answer Atsushi’s question, Atsushi nods, he intertwines his fingers with Ryuunosuke’s.
“I watched you die over and over, Ryuu. It played in my head until it temporarily became my only memory of you. I tried to be strong, to fight it, to keep remembering you for everything else” Atsushi whispers tears falling from his eyes, Ryuunosuke takes a deep breath and moves to hold Atsushi and pulls him onto his lap, his hand gets caught and slips under Atsushi’s oversized shirt, Atushi doesn’t protest, he doesn’t remove his hand, he opts to rub circles on Atsushi’s back instead. “Ryuu–” Atsushi breathes like Ryuunosuke’s name is as essential as air, “I told you I was coming back, I told you I’ll keep coming back. I’m right here, Atsushi, I’m right here” Ryuunosuke whispers in the younger man’s ear like a lullaby to calm him. Atsushi’s arms tighten around his neck pulling himself closer to Ryuunosuke as if trying to merge with him, one of Ryuunosuke’s hands cradles Atsushi’s head to his shoulder, and the other softly rubs circles on Atsushi’s bare skin. He adjusts himself until his hands are on Ryuunosuke’s shoulders, Ryuunosuke’s hand still on his bare back, his other hand still holding the back of his head, “You have to know” Atsushi breathes, Ryuunosuke looks at him puzzled, “I have to know–”, “you have to know because what if you, what if you” the words get lost in Atsushi’s throat, Ryuunosuke pulls Atsushi back to him, the younger buries his face in Ryuunosuke’s neck, arms tight around Ryuunosuke’s torso, his hands grasping tightly at the older man’s shirt. “I’m here, Atsushi. I came back to you, I’ll keep coming back to you” his voice soft and husky in Atsushi’s ear, and he kisses the side of his head. Atsushi shudders, “Please don’t leave me, Ryuu. Please don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do, I don’t think I’ll be able to take it anymore, Ryuu. My heart hurts, my heart hurts so much, I can’t take it, I couldn’t even take it now. Please stay, stay with me, please. Ryuu please, I’ll do anyth–” his voice muffled as he whispers it into Ryuunosuke’s skin, he shakes as he cries, he stains the older man’s neck with his tears, “You don’t have to do anything, Atsushi. You don’t have to do anything to make me stay, I’ll stay with you, I’m sorry, I’m right here, I came back to you, and I’ll keep coming back to you, Atsushi. I’m sorry I’m late, I’m right here” he whispers like a mantra, kissing Atsushi’s cheek softly. Atsushi’s grip tightens, “They took you away, they took you away from me, Ryuu. I lost-I–I lost you, Ryuu, they took you away. What if they take you away again?”, Ryuunosuke’s heart aches. He slowly moves to hold Atsushi’s face in his hands, Atsushi’s holds onto his shirt tighter, the younger whines, eyes tightly screwed shut, tears still staining his face.
“Atsushi,” he says softly, kissing his nose, “Atsushi,” he says again, “what if—what if, when I open my eyes, you’ll be gone, Ryuu” Atsushi whispers strained, “Atsushi, I’m right here” he whispers as he leans his forehead on the younger, their noses touch. Ryuunosuke leans his forehead on Atsushi’s, “I’m here. I told you I don’t break my promises” Ryuunosuke says. They stay like that for a couple of minutes until Ryuunosuke’s phone vibrates in his pocket just as Atsushi’s calmed down, Atsushi frowns and throws his arms around Ryuunosuke’s neck, holding the older tight. Ryuunosuke doesn’t want to let go, he doesn’t want to leave, he lets out a rigid breath, “this is—this is so much to ask of you” he whispers into Atsushi’s ear, “ask me what?”, “I’m being” Ryuunosuke finds it hard to continue, not when Atsushi is still trying to grasp that he’s alive and the memory of Ryuunosuke dying is all but in the past, he swears under his breath, he feels Atsushi squirm, “sorry, sorry. I don't mean that to you,” he says rubbing circles on Atsushi’s back. He lets out a deep breath, “Atsushi, I’m being sent away for a weeklong overseas mission”, he says slowly, Atsushi pulls away putting his hands on Ryuunosuke’s shoulders. Atsushi whose ametrine eyes look at him confused and tired, “But–you–you just, what?” Atsushi manages to say, Ryuunosuke opens his mouth, “Why? Why are you being taken away from me again?” Atsushi asks before Ryuunosuke can say anything. “I-I don’t, I don’t know. The reason why I wasn’t here awhile ago when you woke up, I was called out on the field” Ryuunosuke says defeated, Atsushi frowns tears threatening to spill from his sunset-colored irises again. Ryuunosuke moves his hands to Atsushi’s waist and rubs circles on them, “but you just, I just—I just got you back, Ryuu. What if you’re not real tomorrow? What if you’re not real at all?” Atsushi says softly, tears finally run down his cheeks. “No, I’m real today, I’ll be real tomorrow, I’ll be real when I come back to you next week” Ryuunosuke responds wrapping his arms around Atsushi’s small frame, he kisses Atsushi on the forehead. Atsushi holds onto his shirt, “Ryuu, I don’t want to let you go away, what if you don't come back to me” he mumbles into his collarbone, Ryuunosuke kisses the side of Atsushi’s head.
Ryuunosuke pulls away from him first and Atsushi frowns while eyeing him, he reaches into his shirt pocket, Atsushi watches him, he fishes out a gold chain with a pendant of the yin and yang, “this was a gift that was originally meant to be given to you when we’d finally get the chance to properly sit down and talk about our matters. But I suppose I brought it now to use as a collateral of sorts, proof that I’m alive, and a physical promise that I’ll come back to you, Atsushi” Ryuunosuke says nervously. Atsushi looks at him surprised, a mix of emotions swirl in his sunset eyes, Ryuunosuke thinks he’s done the wrong thing, but Atsushi wraps himself around him again, “okay, just come back to me, Ryuu. Please come back to me, okay?” Atsushi scrambles to cup Ryuuonsuke’s face with his shaking hands, Ryuunosuke nods, “I will, I’ll come back to you” Ryuunosuke says hurriedly, Atsushi nods at him to put the necklace on, he carefully puts it on Atsushi, he leans back as Atsushi looks down on it and lets his fingers feel the pendant. Ryuunosuke fishes for his own necklace, Atsushi lets out a small laugh, Ryuunosuke looks at him like he had just sung Ryuunosuke's favorite song, it might as well be. “I thought I was nostalgic” the younger whispers at him smiling, he wraps his arms around Ryuunosuke’s torso, Ryuunosuke offers a small smile and kisses the top of Atsushi’s head, “I’ll come back to you, Atsushi. I’ll keep coming back to you. I promise” he whispers in his hair, Atsushi holds onto him tighter.