Chapter Text
It’s not, really, a big deal, honestly.
It’s just, after Katelyn, the thought of being with another girl still hurts. For a long time, the thought of being with anyone who was not her hurt. Quite a bit. But like his mother’s death, time sands out the sharp corners of all grief. So he’s considering his options. It’s just a little experiment. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.
Aaron’s been thinking. Reflecting. Betsy would be so proud, except this is not a thing he will ever mention in his and Andrew’s sessions. Andrew’s been part of it, with the whole thing with Josten (he’s never stopped toeing around labelling it, but it’s clear to everyone they’re together and exclusive). Nicky, too, and how happy he is with Erik.
You see, Aaron never really clicked that finding guys attractive was not a thing everyone felt. It was just a fact, hovering there in his brain. Some girls are hot. Some guys are hot. Some people are hot regardless of gender. He never focused on it too much, because he thought if he didn’t want anything to come of it, then that meant he wasn’t gay.
Except in retrospect he thinks he didn’t want anything to come from it because he didn’t want to be gay. He was so focused on seeing himself as straight. Bad enough, being the abused kid. The kid constantly moved around. The kid with the slutty junkie mom. The kid whose cousin got shipped off to a correctional facility. He didn’t need to stand out in any other way.
Then Andrew came along, and it wasn’t like dating was a forethought. Until he met Katelyn, and fell in love, and no one else mattered anyway.
Except the movies always end at happily ever after, and despite how cold and closed off Aaron keeps himself, his heart is secretly soft beneath the layers of armour. Soft, stupid, hopeful, romantic. He had believed they could be one of the rare ones, the lucky ones, the Disney forever couples.
Disney hadn’t told him people could fall out of love. That one person could fall out of love and it would feel like having his entire chest ripped from him when she left and he would let her go, yes, of course. He wouldn’t fight or beg or make any big classic rom com gestures, because that was not his style, and those things are only sweet in movies where the people are scripted to still be in love, so deeply, truly in love, forever, frozen into their happy moment. In real life those things are kind of pathetic.
Another secret: Aaron is kind of pathetic. He guards that close to his soft, messy heart, feeling pulped and bloody and raw in the aftermath. He buries it down inside and keeps himself icy, detached. His mother had known him before his walls went up, had been the reason he erected them, and she hurt him worse than he could have imagined. He’d wanted Andrew’s closeness desperately, had left holes in his defences, the shape of himself, so Andrew could slide in when he wanted. Instead Andrew had stabbed into some of them and drew bars down over others.
He let Katelyn in, and it felt like she gutted him and took that soft piece of him away, and in the wake of that pain he thought he’d never let anyone else in again.
It’s eased, now. He misses having someone. He thinks, maybe, it might be okay to move on, but the thought of being with another girl still rubs something raw. So he looks at guys, and he thinks about guys, and his sexuality comes forth not in a crisis, but in a slow understanding of a fact that has been there all along.
Not gay. He’d been right about that. But not straight, either. Everything had felt so black and white in his youth, but that’s not how the world works, and that’s not how Aaron works. He admits it to himself, in his thoughts. Allows the word to take up space in his head: bisexual. It’s not scary. It should never have been scary.
The world should never have made it scary.
He doesn’t really know where to go from there. He’s not ready to talk to anyone about it. He doesn’t think he is the kind of person to come out anyway. He thinks, like Andrew, that he’s just the type of person to do his own thing, and when it becomes apparent, it becomes apparent.
He’s also not the type of person that likes to hook up. There’s something hollow to him about the idea of falling into bed with a stranger. That even if the sex is good, it will feel like they’re using each other as props in their own pleasure. So that strikes out the idea of going to a club or a bar or somewhere to hook up.
Which leaves apps. Aaron has never tried a dating app. Aaron is not particularly fond of the concept of dating apps.
Aaron is currently waiting for Grindr to download.
It’s not a big deal. Really.
He considers deleting it at least three times as he sets up his profile, but it’s not a big deal.
Aaron would like to hope Nicky is not on these apps. He likes to give his cousin the benefit of the doubt and believe that all his tasteless comments are just bad humour. However, the idea of Nicky finding him on here, of anyone he knows finding him, is mortifying enough for him to put a fake name. He ponders over this for a long time. If something does work out, he doesn’t want to start it on a complete lie. He thinks his middle name is honest enough, but is still nervous about using Michael, so he shortens it to Mike, and adds his last initial. People don’t need to know his last name until he knows them better.
Then he has to upload some photos to Mike M’s account. This is another mortifying ordeal where Aaron doesn’t want to show his face, lest anyone recognise him. He has a few photos he sent Katelyn when they were together. Never particularly comfortable with the idea of nudes, but there’s one of him with his hoody unzipped and sweats slung low on his hips, another angled suggestively down his torso, thumb hooked into his waistband, and, of course, classic gym mirror selfie.
Aaron knows he’s in fairly good shape. His training schedule with exy is pretty intensive, and balanced out by gym work and walking most places outside of practice. He knows this, but he also knows he doesn’t eat as well as he should or sleep as much as he should. That he’s got a little pouch of tummy and the vaguest threat of baby love handles. It’s not like he’s model material, but, hey, maybe that’ll discourage people who are just looking to fuck?
He crops his face out of the photos, ignoring his embarrassment. Then he scrolls through his phone again. He doesn’t take a lot of photos of himself, but there’s one Katelyn took of him where he’s laughing at something she said, smile just visible past his hand, knuckles pressed to his nose. It obscures a good bit of his face. He crops it so his eyes are out and adds that one as well, so at least he’s not all body shots. It almost feels more embarrassing than the ones of his body. Aaron doesn’t smile a lot in general, not anymore, and very rarely in photos. It feels oddly vulnerable, sharing a moment caught in genuine emotion.
He tells himself no one else will read into it as much as he does, and posts them.
Profile. Okay. If there’s something he hates more than looking at photos of himself, it’s talking about himself. The basic information he defines himself by instantly comes to mind - pre-med, exy backliner - but that’s dead giveaway for anyone on the PSU campus. There’s only one pre-med backliner in the Foxes. That would obliterate his efforts at discretion. Aaron hums, worrying his thumbnail between his teeth. What else is there to him? The rest feels too close, too personal.
Student at PSU.
Aaron sighs. He stares at his screen for another long moment, before opening Google to browse profile examples. Most of what he finds are guys outlining their types, looking for hookups. He doesn’t know his type, and he’s not interested in hooking up.
Well hung.
Looking for a Daddy type to have fun.
Exploring being a bottom.
Not interested if you’re older than me.
Love giving head.
Nice guy.
Open minded.
Yeah. None of these apply to Aaron. He’s not nice, and he’s definitely not as open minded as he should be for someone going into medicine. He’s working on that one, alright. He sees a few profiles state their star signs too, but he’s not sure he loves the idea of attracting some astrology weirdo. See? His mind barely opens a crack and the hinges are already creaking.
“Fuck it.”
Student at PSU.
Gym. Video games. Books (though I don’t read as much as I’d like).
Not interested in hook ups.
That’s good enough for now. He’ll see if anyone messages based on that, and change it if he needs to. When he’s had more time to think about it.
Damn. He didn’t realise how much detail these things want from you. He scrolls through the stats, nose scrunching in distaste. Age, height, - fuck off, actually - weight, body type, position, - nauseating moment of panic he blindly pushes through thinking about that - ethnicity, relationship status, - single?? Is that not the point?? Okay, Aaron, open relationships making you uncomfortable does not invalidate their existence - my tribes - what the fuck.
He’s so overwhelmed he almost takes this as a sign. Divine intervention. He should delete the app. This is a mistake. Except he doesn’t believe in any divine force, and the categories are optional. He will simply leave his profile mostly barren.
Age: 21
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Relationship status: Single
Right. I’m Looking For… This one is easier. Relationship. Right? Unless that scares people off. But doesn’t he want to scare people not looking for a relationship off? In the end he adds: Chat, Dates, Relationship.
Gender and pronouns are easy, at least. He sets man and he/him, relieved to have a clear cut section, and saves his profile.
Fuck. Okay. So it’s out there.
Aaron immediately throws his phone to the foot of his bed like it might burn him. He collects it a few seconds later, staring down at the app, but of course no one has messaged yet. He puts his phone face down on the duvet, fights the urge to check it again, and pulls his backpack to his side. He’s wasted enough time on that for now. He has studying to do.
*
Things had been bad, afterwards. Aaron had properly relapsed for the first time in years. Even coming up to the trial, he had just been taking Kevin’s place as resident alcoholic, but after Katelyn…
It started with weed. Then he’d got a connection at Eden’s to bring him dust, smuggled it back to school and took small doses during the days between sweaty club nights. Easier, now, to hide from Andrew, when they were in different dorms. Easier, now, to hide himself, when no one was looking directly at him anymore.
There had been someone in one of his classes who hooked him up with codeine based painkillers, and Aaron knew he was starting to walk a riskier line. Sometimes he thought of Seth as he swallowed six, eight, ten pills. That left a taste more bitter than the sharp paracetamol burn on his tongue.
Kevin caught him. Matt and Dan were gone for the weekend, Andrew and Neil had gone on one of their long drives, could be gone for days. They’d left Nicky up to Columbia, so he could have privacy to call with Erik, not having to hush his voice in the dorms, not having to be subtle about their dirty talk (never subtle enough). Aaron was alone. Alone was bad. Alone meant no distractions, and the feelings were worse then. The noise in his head, the restless feeling beneath his skin.
Kevin had let himself in - Andrew must have left the copy of Aaron’s key, and Kevin, still, struggled with his own company - while Aaron was a fair bit into a bottle of rum. He’d been popping pills out onto the table to down with the rum. He was tipsy, the old fear of being caught - didn’t matter what he was doing, doing anything was wrong to Tilda, Aaron existing was worth punishment - making him tense and clumsy. Instead of swiping the pills into his palm to hide, he’d knocked most of them on the floor.
Kevin had stared for a long time while Aaron stayed crouched beside the table. Frozen. Afraid to move. Afraid to breathe. Always afraid. Old habits worn into his instincts from being played out years on repeat.
“What the fuck, Aaron?” Kevin eventually said, and with the tension broken, he was free. He could move.
“Fuck off,” he said, because there was no excuse, no way to downplay this. Kevin was still looking between the tablets on the floor and on the table.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?” he asked, and his voice was barely above a whisper. Aaron scowled at him.
“No,” he said. No. Not kill himself. Never kill himself. He did this to make it easier to live. It was just dimming everything down. Making it quieter. Turning it off. If he could just quiet it down, just for a while, then he could keep going. If he kept going, he’d eventually get to his better future. He just had to survive the now to get there. The drugs helped him with that. “Like that would be enough.”
“Well, I don’t really know how many- No. You are not derailing this into an argument.” Kevin moved forward and reached for the tablets, and Aaron lashed out, trying to bat his arm away, defensive. “Ow.”
Kevin’s expression locked into solid focus. He grabbed Aaron’s wrist, even as Aaron swore at him, pushed his chest with his other hand, tried to wriggle away. Kevin clawed at the tablets on the carpet, getting them into his hand, leaving a white dust residue. Panicked, Aaron bit him, teeth sinking into his bicep, and Kevin jerked so violently that Aaron went sprawling back.
“What the fuck.” He rubbed his arm as Aaron lay dazed on his back, heart racing. Then Kevin grabbed the rest of the strip and swept the remaining tablets from the table. “This isn’t everything, is it? Give me the rest.”
“No.”
“Aaron.”
“You can’t just come in here and-”
“And stop you from self-destructing? No, I probably can’t, but I can make it more difficult.”
Kevin was glaring down on him, and Aaron felt so small. He was flushed all over. With anger, yes, but mostly humiliation. At being caught like this. In a weak moment, in a moment of failure. At someone seeing this side of him he kept hidden away. His private sin.
“Don’t tell Andrew.” The words came out small and frail. Kevin’s shoulders slumped and he ran a hand over his face.
“Give me the rest, and I won’t.”
Feeling scathingly chastised, Aaron pushed up to his feet and went to his room. Kevin followed, which made everything worse, made him feel monitored like a child. He opened a drawer and retrieved a box from under his underwear. His fingers clenched around the box. He didn’t want to part with it, not really. He could probably get more, but that didn’t mean he wanted to let this go. Kevin held out a hand but didn’t fight him again. He waited until Aaron surrendered the box, nodding his approval.
Then he went to the bathroom and threw the pills in his hand down the toilet, before starting to pop the remainders from the strips. Aaron stood in the doorway to watch, pale and unsteady as a ghost.
“You shouldn’t flush them. Wastewater treatments aren’t really equipped to remove pharmaceuticals. It’s bad for the environment.”
“I don’t really give a fuck about the environment right now. Not my most urgent priority.”
Aaron folded his arms and frowned. Kevin continued to dutifully pop all the pills into the toilet before he flushed. He put the empty strips back into the box, crumpled it in his fist, and shoved the box into his pocket.
“Is that really all of them?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
“What does my promise mean to you?”
“Aaron.” Kevin sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Yes. It’s fucking all of them.”
“Okay.” Kevin took a shaky breath and sighed it out. Now that he had no immediate action to take, he looked lost and unsure. “Have you taken any already?”
“Not since this morning.”
“Okay. I’m going to throw this box out. You are going to put that bottle away.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“And then,” Kevin bundled on, ignoring Aaron, but he could not seem to comprehend any further action to take. Aaron really just wanted to go curl up in bed for the rest of the night, but he had a feeling Kevin wouldn’t leave him alone after this, so he resigned himself to a passable alternative.
“We can watch something.”
“Yes. Okay.” Kevin nodded approvingly. “And I want you to eat. I should make you watch exy games with me, but I’ll let you pick.”
Aaron was lacking any cutting quip he may have usually had to that suggestion. Kevin was trying to lighten the mood, but Aaron didn’t have it in him to play along. He just moved to let Kevin awkwardly shuffle out of the door past him. When Kevin left the dorm, Aaron lifted the rum bottle, taking one last drag before he put it away.
*
Every day Aaron wonders if Grindr is absolutely a mistake, and he constantly hovers over the app, considering deleting it.
He’s had to add NO unsolicited pics! to his profile after receiving three random dick pics in the first week. Not that it has stopped guys entirely. They’re not even good pictures. Not that Aaron has interest in looking at randomer’s cocks anyway, but he doesn’t understand the point of sending them, because if he were so inclined he could get much better pics online. With nicer lighting and better angles. He thinks dick pics probably only have appeal when you like the person, and even then, he’d much rather see other parts of them.
Maybe Aaron just isn’t gay enough to get it.
He’s suffered through bad pick up lines, requests for nudes, demands for his Snap, invasive questions about his sexual preferences. The few guys that have messaged him with general chat dried up quickly. Aaron knows he is not blameless in this. He doesn’t have much experience at socialising. He’s not good with small talk, and he doesn’t know how to keep a conversation rolling. A couple have asked him to meet up within a day or so of talking, but he’s not prepared for that yet. He wants to get a feel for someone before going further. One guy calls him a cocktease for this - Aaron doesn’t know how their conversation about what a mild autumn they’re having is scintillating enough to be considered teasing - and the other, while kinder, still implies it is pointless for him to be on the app at all then.
Aaron updates his profile again.
Student at PSU.
Gym. Video games. Books (though I don’t read as much as I’d like).
NO unsolicited pics!
Not interested in hook ups.
Would prefer to establish a connection before meeting.
He is not cut out for this, he thinks. There’s a reason he never liked dating apps, but he’s also never been great at meeting people organically either, and even with Andrew off of his back, it’s harder with guys. He doesn’t want to out himself to the wrong people. He doesn’t want to hit on someone who will take it the wrong way. So he keeps the app, even if he’s blocked a dozen people already.
*
It’s been nearly a month when someone sends an opener that isn’t suggestive, cheesy, or completely dry.
I don’t read as much as I’d like either. Every year, I say: I’m going to read more this year! Somehow never seem to get around to it.
Have you read anything interesting recently?
I’ll be honest, that message is the most interesting thing I’ve read on HERE since I signed up. Bonus points for actual grammar.
Thank you so much. I pride myself on my excellent grammatical ability. It’s a real selling point on the dating scene.
Oh, I can imagine. Thoughts on the Oxford comma?
I think it should be enforced by law.
Hm.
Are you anti-Oxford comma? Because I’m sorry, but I just don’t know if I’ll be able to move past that.
Hmm.
Oh no.
Nah, I am very strongly in favour of the Oxford comma.
More bonus points.
Excellent. I am scoring SO well in this conversation.
Something that is completely possible and entirely normal to want.
Aaron huffs a laugh and clicks into the guy’s profile again, even though he already checked it before replying.
Keane 22
History student. My Roman Empire is literally the Roman Empire.
Tired of selling myself. Ask if you want to know.
3 year age gap maximum. I only like my history ancient.
His profile is otherwise as sparse as Aaron’s. Mixed race, relationship status single, he/him pronouns, looking for chats, dates, a relationship.
There’s only one photo uploaded, and his face is cut off in it. Aaron might be more wary about that if his profile were not also tactically vague. At least he has multiple pictures though, and he looks like a real person. This guy has the physique of a fucking supermodel.
The picture of him is shirtless. Light brown skin, all lean muscle, the skin of his stomach taut and a trimmed dark happy trail disappearing beneath the waistband of his little running shorts between the deep v of his hips. Aaron does not think physicality is something extremely important to him, but he can admit the man looks good. Unrealistically. He considers he may be being catfished and, as fun as their conversation is, decides to proceed with caution.
I’m hyper conscious of my grammar now. Just so you know. Double reading every message before sending.
Hm.
Not generally a merciful type, but I will forgive you three (3) typos
And I think text abbreviations are fair game tbh
Emojis might push me over the edge though.
😰
…did you spend all that time picking which emoji to send? Be honest.
Damn if you hadn’t of said be honest I could have lied about it.
Yes.
Not an avid employer of the emojis. I had to peruse.
To finally answer your question: as for books, I have been very true to my profile and not reading as much as I want, but I’m trying to work through a few of the classics. Finished Pride and Prejudice over the summer, have been chugging along at Slaughterhouse Five for the last few months
It’s really not a long enough book to justify that time scale, but… I have a lot of college work, in my defence
Is it good?
It’s… something. I went in thinking it was just a war book, so the aliens and time travel blindsided me.
Oh. Realising I had no idea what Slaughterhouse Five was about.
I would definitely recommend Pride and Prejudice over it. Though I do usually enjoy speculative fiction
What do you like to read?
Mostly nonfiction. I’m a history major. Historical fiction makes me angry a lot of the time. I end up nitpicking the historical inaccuracies.
I definitely did not pick up on that fact from your profile!
I get that with any medical scenes. Books or movies. (Pre-med)
Ouch. Profiles are hard. I keep inadvertently attracting creeps.
Oh, no wonder you’re so busy. Suitably impressed you get any reading in. I know someone who is pre-med and the workload seems atrocious.
There’s a story there…
Definitely one word for it
I had something like “pictures sent without consent will receive harsh feedback. You’ve been warned” for a while, thinking it would stop all the dick pics, but I just summoned a horde with degradation kinks.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
I didn’t realise people were in the market for assholes. Perhaps there’s hope for me after all.
You don’t seem like an asshole.
From our brief interaction? Where I mocked your profile?
…fair.
But honest. I don’t know what else to put without feeling like I’m sharing too much publicly.
Same.
I like that you want to get to know each other before meeting. That’s refreshing. It’s why I reached out.
And here I thought you just wanted book recs
Do you have some kind of hideous facial deformity? Is that why you have no face pics?
Hello, pot. It’s me, kettle.
I’ve been told I have a major case of RBF, but no facial deformities as far as I’m aware.
Oh that’s alright then, I only have a minor case of RBF, it’ll barely be noticeable next to yours.
You’re funny.
Not accused of that often.
I may have a weird sense of humour. I feel like I often miss jokes, or somehow end up being the joke but not knowing how I got there. But I think you’re funny.
Thanks. We’ll see if it lasts
Do you have a facial deformity then?
No, just don’t want people I know in real life to see me on here.
Do you think they’d take it badly?
More I have gay relatives and I would take the absolute mortification of finding each other very badly.
Understandable.
Fortunately haven’t come across them yet. Even tried to find them to preemptively block
Well you look good from what I can see anyway. You have a nice smile. The teeth you’re not covering look good.
I feel like I’m getting a physical assessment at the vet or something rn
It was a compliment!
Are you fishing for a response? I just assume you’re aware you’re built like a classical Greek statue since you decided on that photo
Are you purposefully using historical comparisons to woo me?
Maybe.
It’s working.
So why are you hiding?
People tend to make assumptions about me based on my appearance. I’d rather someone get to actually know me.
You’re right. They’ll make zero assumptions based on the shirtless pic.
Well I had to post something!
What assumptions did you make?
That I’m probably being catfished
Ha.
You’re not.
That’s exactly what a catfish would say
It is. I understand if you’re not comfortable with it.
Nah. As you said. Pot, kettle.
Doesn’t matter to me.
This is mostly honest. Aaron knows attraction is part of any relationship, but this is only a hypothetical, and having fun talking to someone is such a rarity. He quickly tries to envision the worst case scenarios:
- Nicky is the one catfishing him. Nicky uses emojis in place of punctuation and his spelling often leaves something to be desired, so that’s unlikely.
- It’s a creepy predator catfishing him who is very good at acting.
- Keane actually is hiding something off putting about his appearance. Aaron can’t think what would be bad enough to be a dealbreaker without seeing it for himself. Maybe a really tacky face tattoo. He hopes it’s not a hate symbol.
- He bears any resemblance to Josten. Highly unlikely, given the dark happy trail and Josten’s distinctive scarring, but it's definitely a worst case scenario so Aaron tacks it on to his mental whiteboard anyway.
Nothing earth shattering. Nothing that wouldn’t be immediately apparent upon meeting up, if they ever get to that point.
Okay. So what’s your usual type then?
I’m going to be honest. I only recently processed that I’m also attracted to guys, so I have only been with girls before.
So are you bisexual or was it a case of denial?
Bi
Me too. You must have an idea of what you like though. Someone must have made you recognise your attraction to men.
*
Kevin had been true to his word. He came back, shoved a water bottle into Aaron’s hands, and made him walk with him to collect a takeout order rather than having it delivered. Aaron was silent, sullenly withdrawn, buried deep in his hoody and scuffing his shoes petulantly as he trailed after Kevin. Kevin was used to Andrew’s silences, but he was also used to Andrew taking the lead, and so he didn’t try to speak but did frequently waver uncertainly, glancing back to make sure Aaron was still near him.
Aaron got what he was doing. Food, water, fresh air. Kevin was treating him like he had drunk too much. That was the only substance Kevin had personal experience with, and so he was echoing the care that had been pushed upon him in the past, primarily by Aaron himself. In retrospect, Aaron would find this funny, but he was too miserable and drained for humour. In that moment he was seething. Sending out waves of telepathic hate in Kevin’s direction. For coming in unannounced, for giving Aaron commands, for knowing the threat of Andrew would be enough to have him follow them.
They both picked at their food, sitting on far ends of the couch, a random movie Aaron had landed on rattling in the background without either of them paying attention to it. Aaron fell asleep and woke to darkness, the television auto turning itself off when it timed out. He thought Kevin would have left him, but when he stretched out his stiff limbs his foot collided with Kevin’s thigh. He had fallen asleep sitting up, his head tipped back at a painful looking angle. Aaron kicked him.
“Mmph.”
Right. Kevin was a nightmare to wake up.
Aaron kicked him again, pushing his heel into the side of Kevin’s thigh.
“Mmph. Stop,” Kevin whined. His hand fumbled over Aaron’s leg to grip his ankle. Aaron kicked him again. Kevin’s hold tightened. He sounded more like his bitchy self when he said: “Aaron.”
“Go to bed, dumbass.”
“What are you doing?”
“Going to my bed. It’s like three in the morning.”
“Mmmkay.” Kevin did not move. Aaron could feel his grip slackening around his ankle. He was tempted to kick him again, but that evidently wasn’t working. Instead he shook Kevin off and got up. Kevin literally hissed when Aaron turned the big light on, hands coming up to block his face like a vampire doused in sunlight’s last desperate attempt to protect himself.
“Go to bed, Kevin.”
“Fine!” Kevin staggered to his feet, sleep drunk. His hair was sticking up in all directions and his eyes were puffy. He glared blearily at Aaron. “Don’t take anything else.”
“You flushed it all, remember?”
“All that you gave me.”
“Told you my word means nothing to you. Don’t know why you bothered asking for promises.”
Kevin sighed. His shoulders were slumped in, a wilted flower. He was truly pathetic when he wasn’t in the spotlight. Aaron often wondered what the world would think if they saw any of the less pleasant and polished sides of their exy darling, but that’s show business, as they say.
“I believe you. You just scared me.”
They blinked at each other across the room then, both surprised Kevin had uttered those words aloud. If anything, Kevin seemed more surprised than Aaron, another moment he would find funny in retrospect, when his anger wasn’t pushing at the confinements of his body, a physical force begging to be let loose, pressure building against Aaron’s insides.
“That was all of them. I really am going to bed.”
“Okay.”
“So get the fuck out.”
Kevin’s lips twitched into a half smile that only made the blazing heat inside Aaron burn brighter. How dare Kevin be amused at his anger? Kevin gave a brief nod and made his way to the door, cradling his left hand briefly to his chest, right thumb circling over it. He glanced back once from the doorway.
“Night.”
Aaron flipped him off. His relief was palpable when the door clicked shut and he was finally left alone again.
He thought that would be the end of it, but Kevin showed up again the next day, and he kept showing up everytime Aaron was alone. He appeared at his table in the library, was waiting outside Aaron’s classes, found him at the picnic table he liked to eat lunch at if he didn’t go to the dining hall, conveniently came round anytime Aaron had an empty dorm.
“Can you stop stalking me? It’s getting fucking creepy,” Aaron said, when Kevin found him studying late in one of the science labs. “How did you even know I’d be here?”
“Katelyn told me.”
Aaron went rigid. Kevin didn’t meet his gaze. He had to gently set the glass vial in his hand down for fear he would smash it.
“Why were you talking to Katelyn?”
“I thought she might know places you’d be that I wouldn’t, and she did.”
“You have no right to speak to her.” He and Katelyn were in the process of trying to navigate a tentative, if not friendship, at least coexistence with each other. So many of their courses aligned, and they’d already locked into group projects together, it was impossible to ignore each other forever. She had given Aaron space for weeks, and though it still felt like getting gutted open when he saw her, it wasn’t as tender anymore. He was getting used to the feeling of it. He did not need Kevin Day shattering that with his sudden need to stick his nose into every aspect of Aaron’s life.
“I wouldn’t have had to if you had just answered my text.”
“Consider that perhaps I don’t want you to always know where I am. That I like having time to myself.”
“Which would be fine, if the last time I walked in on you alone you hadn’t been in the process of fucking overdosing.”
“I wasn’t overdosing!”
“I’m sure that wasn’t the recommended dose, and anything over that is an overdose, right?”
“I know what I can handle.”
“Spoken like a true addict.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
“I said I wouldn’t tell Andrew. I’m not telling Andrew. Which leaves me to carry the burden of making sure you don’t do something stupid.”
“It’s nothing to do with you what I-”
“It’s everything to do with me. If something happens now, and I could have stopped it by telling someone, that’s on me. I have to live with that. I don’t want to live with that. So until I’m sure that it’s not going to happen, yes, you’re going to have to live with me dogging you around. It’s me or Andrew, so take your fucking pick.”
“I hate you.”
“Yeah well, at least you have to be alive to do that.”
Aaron had never been very good at holding onto anger. He was never allowed to act on it as a child, and so it all got turned inward, where anger shifted to depression. Staying angry was too exhausting. He would have white hot bursts of it over short periods of time, all consuming, making him a much crueller person than he was, filling his head with nasty thoughts. Then the anger would burn through him and he'd be left drained, exhausted, aching, miserable. This is how he quickly got with Kevin. He couldn’t stay angry, so he just withdrew into miserable acceptance for the first few weeks.
Then, slowly, he started to feel better. He didn’t wake up feeling sick in the mornings anymore. He managed to sleep for more than four hours. The fog that had been clouding his brain eased. He said something in class that made Katelyn laugh and it didn’t make his insides feel like acid. It was just nice to make someone laugh, and Aaron’s smile in response came natural. When Kevin met him at the library, Aaron actually cleared a space for him instead of making him perch at the edge of the table around Aaron’s spread of books and notes. The icy silence that had dominated the last month between them began to thaw, and they fell back into something more akin to what they had been.
Kevin stopped tailing Aaron everywhere after another week or so. At first, Aaron luxuriated in this newfound freedom, but he soon realised that without Katelyn to fill his free time, he barely spoke to anyone outside of classes and practice. It was another week before he swallowed down his pride and text Kevin.
No more study sessions? Your GPA will be slipping again.
My GPA was never slipping to begin with.
But he showed up at Aaron’s usual table twenty minutes later. They didn’t talk about it. They had a late lunch and didn’t talk about it. They fit back into the weird shape of their peculiar friendship that had existed before, but felt more even now that they’d both seen the other at their worst.
*
I think I like the person first. Even if they’re attractive, that doesn’t matter if their personality is ass
What about you?
Is my personality ass?
What is your type, dickhead
That’s charming.
You knew what I was asking
I did, I’m just having fun teasing you. Weird sense of humour, remember?
As for my type… Shorter than me. Though I’m over 6ft so that is less a preference and more just an acceptance of reality.
Blonde. Nice eyes. Freckles. I like dimples.
Aaron reads over the message, then goes back to check his own profile. In the cut off picture where he’s laughing you can see the edges of his blonde hair, and the freckles scattered across his nose, darkened from summer, his arm covered in them. His hand is covering the dimple on the left hand side of his mouth though, so it could just be a coincidence that Keane’s description is lining up with him. It makes sense, after all, that he would only message if Aaron looked like his type. Or maybe he’s just using the question to flirt. God, this is harder without being able to see facial expressions and body language.
Smart. Patient. Physically fit - not in a superficial way, I’m just really active so I like the idea of being able to do active things with them. Passionate. Competent.
Competent?
Yes. I like when people are good at whatever they do. I find that attractive.
Hmm. I tick some of these boxes.
Unfortunately I’m 6’6
I actually have a kind of ex who was that height.
Kind of ex?
It’s complicated. We never labelled it but it feels like it was too much to just call friends
Right. Have you had many friends with benefits?
It wasn’t like that. We were both going through a difficult time. It was a comfort thing, and maybe it could have been more, if the situation was different. It wasn’t just sleeping around.
I’m sorry. That sounded judgemental. It’s none of my business who you’ve slept with
I think sexual history is a fair question, this is just earlier than I expected it.
It is. I was just being a dick. I warned you I was an asshole.
Assholes don’t generally apologise.
I was joking about my height. I am actually on the lower end of the 5ft spectrum
That’s very big of you to admit, considering your vertical challenges.
Oh fuck off!
We’re even now.
Yeah okay
What about a celebrity crush?
I don’t know. Celebrities don’t feel like real people to me sometimes. Not in a “I don’t recognise that’s a human person” way, but in a “that’s a complete stranger I don’t know or can’t relate to” way.
I had a very young crush on Winona Ryder but I can’t think of any men.
Oh god that’s a lie I might have had a crush on half of MCR
Wait. I’m having an awakening in retrospect.
MCR?
My Chemical Romance??? The band???
Oh.
Which half?
Gerard Way and Frank Iero. I had convinced myself I just wanted to BE Frank Iero, but looking back with fresh perspective…
So happy I get to be present for you retrospectively realising your first awakening. This is so exciting.
Shut up
How do you not know who MCR are?
What kind of music do you listen to?
Not a lot. I mostly listened to classical, but I’m branching out slowly. It takes me a while to warm up to new things. EDM was not it.
Classical to EDM is a wild jump, I cannot lie.
It’s fine for dancing in the club but not the best for casual listening
That’s where I hear it. Clubbing, the radio, and parties are where I hear most new music.
Beautiful employment of the Oxford comma. Efforts noted.
Thank you.
What kind of music do you like?
All sorts. I grew up on rock, alt, pop punk, emo. I still have a lot of fondness for them. I was anti-pop for a while, but I’ll admit I was just being a shitty edgy teen. A lot of it is fun and easy to stick on in the background when I’m doing something else. Classical is good for studying or essay writing sometimes, as are those lo-fi playlists, or video game soundtracks. I don’t really stick to genres, I’ll just throw songs into my playlist if I like them. I’ve been cycling through Fall Out Boy, Måneskin, and Hozier’s new stuff recently.
You might like Hozier actually. His lyrics are very poetical, he brings a lot of classical references into play, and he’s kind of genre defying, so even if one of his songs doesn’t click one of the others might.
That’s the Take Me To Church guy?
I mean… yes. But give Talk, Sunlight, Be, and I, Carrion a go. They’ve all got classical imagery.
Okay. I will.
Who is your celebrity crush then?
Gabriel Diaz.
That was fast
San Diego Wild Dogs?
You like exy?
Yes. He’s one of the best professionals at the moment, even as fresh as he is. I think he’ll get bigger and better in the next few years
I don’t really follow it, but I used to play a bit in high school, and I pick up some from my brother.
It’s not entirely a lie. Aaron doesn’t really follow professional level exy. Neither does Andrew, but he needs some cover for his knowledge.
What position? Were you good?
That could be interpreted so differently out of context
Backliner, and not particularly
What team does your brother support?
This is worse than talking to Kevin. Aaron should have just pretended not to know who Diaz is. Extra exy talk is not what he needs in his life. Andrew of course doesn’t show enough interest in anything to care about teams, so Aaron thinks back to the team he followed in high school, when exy was an escape, was more than just a free ride through college.
Seattle Sun Bears
Not top of the chart, and they’ve slipped badly in the past few years, but they recruited a few strong newcomers this year. They might make a comeback.
Aaron has to set his phone down so he can physically muffle his sigh with hands over his face. Oh god, it is Kevin all over again. He should just pass his number on.
What do you think of the Foxes?
I told you it’s my brother who follows exy, not me
Maybe I should be talking to your brother instead.
Ouch.
Younger brother. You pervert.
Aaron doesn’t actually know which one of them was born first, but he does know that Andrew would hate him telling people he’s younger, and even though he’ll never be privy to this conversation, Aaron hopes there is a cosmic vibration through the threads of the universe currently making Andrew’s skin crawl for reasons unknown.
Ah. I should have asked that first.
You should have. He’s at college too, but that could have been worse.
Yes.
And I was joking. I’m enjoying talking to you.
The Foxes were dire when I started. They’ve gotten better since Day joined. He’s really dragged their performance up.
I suppose. He’s not the only one to credit. Josten’s addition helped too, and Minyard taking the goal more seriously.
Seeing his name pop up is a bit of a jumpscare to Aaron, and he has to remind himself Keane doesn’t know. He can’t know. He’s not even talking about him, of course, he’s talking about Andrew, because even when Aaron is trying to anonymously hit on someone they’re still fucking talking about Andrew. He cannot escape him.
It’s Day’s drive, direction, and discipline that pulled them together and drove those improvements though. He brought in a level of professionalism and knowledge that none of the Foxes had, and the media attention to boost renown even before the performance was backing it up.
Which is easy for him, as a nepo baby.
While there is some level of truth to that the depth of fucking trauma he experienced in his life kind of offsets the benefit of who his parents are. Did you not see half of the things that came out about Evermore? And I’m sure that wasn’t all of it, considering how powerful they are, but even if it had just been his hand, that was bad enough. To have them try and wreck his career. Take the one most important thing from him. Disgusting.
And being Kevin Day meant he got treated like a spectacle when he came here, during the worst period of his life, rather than given peace and grace to recover. If anything, it’s more impressive what he’s built himself and the team to, considering how much he had to come back from.
Are you a Kevin Day fanboy then?
No. I just have basic human fucking empathy.
Sorry if you lack that.
I just see him around the history buildings sometimes and he always comes off as quite arrogant.
Says the guy with a major case of RBF.
That’s fair. I probably come off as arrogant too.
Speaking of which, I have a class to get to, but I’m not ghosting.
I hope my disregard of Kevin Day hasn’t put you off too much.
That’s alright, man, you can just reply whenever
You’re entitled to your opinion. I just think there’s a lot more going on off the court that contributes.
No. You’re right.
Talk later.
*
Katelyn had broken up with him in March. Kevin had caught him relapsing in April. It had been near the end of May by the time they’d smoothed out the upset in their relationship from that whole situation, which left them settling back into a stronger version of their friendship in time for summer. Aaron’s not entirely sure when he and Kevin went from people thrown together by unfortunate circumstance to actual friends - probably somewhere between that first terrible Thanksgiving and Riko’s death - but they hadn’t really acknowledged it until the summer of the trial.
Andrew was struggling in his own way, disappearing for long stretches with Josten. Nicky had wanted to cancel his early summer trip to Germany, but Aaron didn’t see the point of him lingering around for a trial that wouldn’t be for another few months. Katelyn was home for the holidays. Kevin bounced between the court and Columbia, often following Josten.
Aaron spent most of his time alone when he wasn’t in meetings with his lawyer. He had taken to sleeping late into the day, holed up in his room, going for long walks in the evenings and coming back after dark. The drinking didn’t get bad until the last few weeks, when the reality he might be going to jail really started to hang heavy like a noose around his neck. Kevin didn’t intrude on his space, but he was there in the background when Aaron would eventually come out of hiding. He’d bring food to his door throughout the day. Sit quietly with him in the living room when Aaron ventured into their shared space. One night he asked if he could come on his walk with him. Aaron had shrugged, not really wanting him to but with no real reason to say no.
It had been silent to start. Then Aaron had started pointing out things from his teens. Where he skinned his knee trying to learn to skateboard. The diner Nicky used to take them to breakfast at, with its faded and cracked vinyl and floors that always felt sticky beneath his shoes. The old run down park he came to when he wanted to be alone. Metal rusted, one swing twisted up around the top bar, the climbing frame plastered in graffiti, the whole place smelling of piss. Kevin listened, rarely asked questions, even more rarely mentioned something from the Nest that made even Aaron feel better about his shitty upbringing.
Kevin joined him on more walks after that. Aaron found he didn’t mind. Bearing Kevin’s presence was no longer an obligation, and that was when he realised they were friends.
The following summer had been a much more relaxed affair. Even losing the championships had not soured Kevin’s mood. If they were going to lose to anyone, the Trojans were the one team Kevin would graciously accept defeat from.
He had mellowed a lot in the past year. Still easily worked up where exy was involved, but much more laid back off the court. He had cut back on drinking when Aaron was having his self-destructive crash in the run up to the trial, something that had never been discussed between them but had not gone unnoticed, and never picked it up the same afterwards. The threat of the Moriyama deal still hung over him, but the terms were a lot clearer than the uncertainty of before, and so even this Kevin settled under. He got his own car, and made efforts to go places without Andrew, though often invited Aaron to tag along on grocery runs or for walks in new places off campus or even just the odd long drive to escape for a while. His relationship with food continued to be an on and off struggle, but for the most part he was better at eating, and had gained more muscle mass as a result. He looked less haggard and more like the athlete he was. He smiled more, laughed more, made jokes in his own awkward, stilted way, talked to Aaron at length about whatever current element of history had captivated him in his studies. He looked good. He looked happier.
“Are you coming up to Columbia like last year?” Aaron asked, laden down with his bags as he shuffled into the hallway between their dorms.
“Yeah. Coach has banned Neil and I from the court for the first two weeks.” Kevin rolled his eyes, but it was more good natured annoyance than the true irritation it would have been last year. “Took our keys and everything. But it’ll be easier to come up and down now that I’m driving anyway. Want to ride with me?”
“I would like to ride with you, Kevin,” Nicky said, struggling to squeeze out of the door with his own bags.
“I don’t think that invite was intended for you, Nicholas,” Aaron said dryly.
“Aw come on, otherwise I have to third wheel Neil and Andrew, which is not fair on any of us.”
“What about Robin?”
Nicky pressed a hand to his mouth in an exaggerated display of mock surprise.
“I forgot about Robin. Oh well, this way we can shove some of our bags in the Mas and not have to squeeze in either car around luggage. It’s only logical, Aaron.”
Aaron and Kevin sighed simultaneously, which caused Kevin to chuckle.
“Fine. You can come, Nicky, but Aaron gets shotgun.”
“But I’m taller!”
“I asked him first, and you can’t be trusted with the radio. Those are my conditions. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.”
“I’m taking them, obviously. Here, help me with my bags.” He shoved one at Kevin, who rolled his eyes but shouldered it over his own, leading them out of the building for another year.
*
Kevin spent the time before Nicky left sleeping on Aaron’s floor, an arrangement that had been established since Robin’s addition to their group. Andrew and Neil’s room was sacred, and Robin refused to be alone with anyone besides Neil at the start. So Kevin had lost couch rights, and Aaron had offered his room to spare Kevin from Nicky. He was so generous like that sometimes.
“You seem weirdly chill about your court access being revoked,” Aaron said, leaning over the edge of the bed to look at Kevin.
“I know I don’t need the practice right now. I’m in good form. Neil’s in good form. It will be the new recruits that we have to work on. As long as I keep my fitness up over the summer that will be enough.”
“Who are you? What did you do with Kevin?”
“I can’t push myself to the old Raven level anymore. I can’t risk injuries. Not now. I have to be sustainable.”
“Yeah, dumbass. I’ve been telling you that for years.”
“I’m finally listening. Be proud of me.”
“Let’s not push our luck.”
Aaron was proud though, even if he wouldn’t say it.
*
Okay so I have been thinking this over, and I realised that I was somewhat withholding. Unintentionally. I really don’t think I have a type, but you still made the effort to answer my questions, so I can at least provide traits I find attractive.
Intelligence. Humour. Compassion. I have to agree with you on the competency, I think, and passion. I think seeing a passion for anything in someone is a glance at how they could be passionate in a relationship. Honesty. I have a big thing for honesty. I don’t like liars.
I have the opposite of your conundrum. I don’t get much of a choice in people being taller than me. You would think I’d prefer someone at least close to my height, but historically I seem to fall for people who tower over me. That might be more coincidence than preference though. I only really get feelings for people after I know them well, so personality and connection is a bigger deal to me than what someone looks like, I think.
I like people who are up for trying things. Not that I’m extremely adventurous, but it’s nice to try new things sometimes. I’m also quite active, and outdoorsy, but I don’t think the physical fitness is such a big deal for me. I’m very independent. I don’t mind having some of my hobbies to myself. I value time alone, but I also think there has to be some overlap in interests. Otherwise you’re just running on physical chemistry, and that feels shallow, and if everything you do together is a compromise on one side, that has to lead to resentment, right? But I think it’s also healthy to be individuals with differences.
Wow. Okay. Not asking for much then.
This is the ideal. I understand people are not going to be an ideal.
You have no physical traits to add to the list?
Hands.
What?
I like some people’s hands. I like the way they move. How they handle things. I think you can learn a lot about people from their hands. I like if there’s marks on them. Stories from their lives. I like watching the way they move. How they hold things. If they’re gripping, or delicate. What things they choose to handle with care.
And eyes, but I feel like everyone likes eyes to some extent, so that one doesn’t count as much
That is not how I expected you to expand on hands.
What were you expecting?
I don’t know. Soft palms. Long fingers. Something along those lines.
Dirty minded. Noted.
I’m not! That’s just what I thought most people would go for.
I’m not most people
Well I know that much. You’re the only person I’ve been able to have an actual conversation with on here.
Real
I’ve been so close to deleting recently
I’m glad you didn’t.
Cheesy
I was being honest. I thought you liked that.
I do. I was just poking fun
It was meant to be flirty but tone doesn’t convey very well
Oh. I don’t always pick up on tone even in person.
But feel free to continue flirting with me, it will be good practice.
Lmao we’ll see
*
Aaron exchanges a few casual replies with Keane throughout the rest of the evening about their days and classes, but he doesn’t have much time between dinner, practice, and an essay he needs to start working on. He catches a ride back to the dorms with Kevin and Nicky. Neil had taken Robin in as an unofficial roommate last year, and though under the administrative records her name is still listed in one of the girl dorms, Kevin changed to Nicky and Aaron’s room this year to give her space for moving in. Living with Kevin would have been quieter than living with Matt, if only they both still didn’t live with Nicky.
“I am so tired,” Nicky laments as he swings open the front door, sighing loudly. Aaron and Kevin exchange a look, but say nothing. “I think Neil is enjoying his role as captain too much. It’s the sadistic streak in him.”
“Ugh,” Aaron says. He doesn’t like to think of Josten beyond when it’s strictly necessary, nevermind whatever streaks he may or may not have.
“Do you guys wanna watch a movie?”
“I have an essay I need to start.”
“Kevin?”
“I have reading to do.”
“Ugh. Borrring. I get Aaron, but you don’t even need to do good at school. Like you’re ever gonna use your degree.”
“That doesn’t matter. I like school.”
“I don’t get you nerds at all, but fine. That just means I can watch trash reality tv without anyone complaining.” Nicky claps his hands and gives an unnecessary evil villain giggle before reaching for the remote. Aaron and Kevin, both long immune to this behaviour, ignore him.
“You want some tea?” Kevin asks quietly, touching Aaron’s elbow as he turns to walk away. Aaron looks back, nodding his head with a small smile. Kevin smiles back and gives his elbow a brief squeeze, a gesture that makes itself known with an electric zing in Aaron’s stomach. “Alright. I’ll bring it through in a minute.”
Aaron gets the whole way to the bedroom before realising he’s holding his breath. He takes a few shaky breaths as he sits at the desk, then lets his head fall forward so his forehead hits the wood with a soft clunk. He hates that his body is still betraying him like this.
*
“Do you want to go hiking?”
“What?”
“I know we usually go walking, but there’s a few hiking routes nearby I’ve been thinking of trying,” Kevin said, as Aaron blearily poured milk into his cereal. “Do you want to come with me
“Have you ever been hiking before?”
“Not that I can remember. You coming or not?”
“Woah. This is way too much energy for Kevin Day to have at this time of the morning. I didn’t even think you’d be up yet.”
“My back gets stiff on the floor, it’s harder to sleep,” Kevin admitted, and then, blazing on ahead like that was merely an inconvenience: “Coming or not?”
“I’ll come.”
“Who’s coming?” Nicky said, which received him a blended chorus of disgusted groans.
“Fuck off, Nicky,” Aaron said.
“Where are you going?” Nicky asked. “Anywhere exciting?”
“Hiking,” Kevin said.
“Ugh. Gross. Remember to wear sunscreen, Aaron. Or you’ll be a tomato by the time you get back.”
Aaron’s mouth was too full of cereal to respond, so he settled for glaring at Nicky. He moved out of the kitchen as Nicky started pottering around and singing to himself. Kevin trailed after him.
“Half an hour enough time for you to be ready?”
“Yeah. I’ll just finish this and get dressed.”
The morning sun was bright when they left, Aaron donning sunglasses and a cap, because Nicky was right. He would burn like a bitch, whereas Kevin in his tank would just tan beautifully. Asshole. Aaron put the location into his maps and gave Kevin directions as they drove, quietly singing along to the radio sometimes in the stretches of straight road.
“What inspired this?”
“You,” Kevin said. “I enjoy our walks. This just felt like the next level. An increase in challenge.”
“You know not everything has to be challenging?”
“It’ll be good. Fresh air. The incline will work our legs. Easier than running.”
“You’ve never been hiking,” Aaron reminded him.
“How hard can it be?”
They stopped for supplies on the way; water, food, sunscreen. They applied the sunscreen in the parking lot. Kevin rubbing on a thin layer, and Aaron looking pasty white and shiny under his. Kevin rubbed the excess from his hands on the back of Aaron’s neck.
“Just in case,” he said. “Let’s go.”
Kevin’s breathing started to get laboured after the first fifteen minutes. His tank top came off half an hour in, his body gleaming with sweat. His long legs gave him a quicker climb than Aaron, but Aaron had a lower centre of gravity, and didn’t stumble and trip over the uneven ground as often as Kevin.
“I’m dying,” Kevin finally said after tripping again, Aaron grabbing him by his backpack to steady him. He stepped to the side of the trail and shrugged his backpack off to get his water out.
“You’re going to twist an ankle if you don’t start looking where you’re going. Imagine the Moriyamas have to take you out because you sprain your ankle so badly you can’t play exy anymore. That would be so embarrassing for you.”
Kevin glared at him.
“Imagine the headlines. ‘Exy’s darling Kevin Day mysteriously disappears after sprained ankle.’ I just don’t think you can go out like that, Kevin.”
Kevin flipped Aaron off while taking a long drink of his water.
“What a legacy.”
Kevin pressed his sweaty hand over Aaron’s mouth. Aaron’s yell of protest was muffled as he sharply stepped back.
“I’m not going to sprain my ankle, but, for the record, I’ve played on a sprained ankle before. It wouldn’t be worth killing me over.”
“I’m surprised any of your body still works when you never got to rest injuries,” Aaron said, frowning seriously at Kevin. Kevin shrugged, turning away to squint down over the view they’d climbed so far. Aaron used the pause to have a drink of his own water.
“You’re turning a bit pink already. Do you need more cream?”
“It’s just heat flush. I’m okay.”
“Remember those words when you’re whining about sunburn tonight.”
“I don’t whine.” Aaron punched Kevin in the arm, but not hard enough to hurt. Kevin laughed. He pulled his backpack on again. “Onward?”
“Onward.”
They should have left earlier. If Kevin had told Aaron of his random hiking plans, he would have had them up and away by dawn, so they wouldn’t be finishing the incline under the unforgiving glare of the midday sun. The worst time for Aaron to be out in it, really. He tried to stick to any patches of shade, but the trail was mostly open, and so he was victim to the elements. When they finally reached the summit, and Kevin collapsed on his back on a patch of grass to pant and recover, Aaron sat near his hip and took the sunscreen out again.
“Careful ants don’t get you. You’ll be covered in bites.”
“I don’t care,” Kevin said, but no more than five seconds later was he sitting up and dusting imaginary insects off of himself. Aaron huffed a laugh as he reapplied sunscreen on his arms and legs, marvelling at all the mysterious scratches he had picked up through their hike without realising. “Don’t forget your neck.”
Aaron gave Kevin a hard stare that was obscured by his sunglasses, but made sure to do his neck and face again.
“This is nice,” Kevin said, looking out across the view.
“I thought you died like two hours ago.”
“I didn’t say it was easy, I said it was nice. Not everything worth doing is easy.”
Aaron couldn’t argue with that.
They ate their lunch while admiring the view, and it was another while before Kevin could be inspired to move. Aaron wasn’t sure if this was tiredness from the hike up, or if Kevin just didn’t want to leave the bubble of peace they had found at the top. Either way, it was late afternoon by the time they started their descent.
“I feel like you should be in front. If you slide again, you’re going to take me down with you,” Aaron said.
“No. You’re going to break my fall and save me. That’s my game plan.”
“Sure. We’ll see.”
Aaron unfortunately ate his words shortly after, when he finally succumbed to his first fall. Suddenly the grit and gravel beneath his feet gave way, and he slid forward harshly, jolting off balance. He was already bracing for the impact, reaching a hand out to catch himself, when Kevin caught him firmly by the elbow and yanked him back upright.
Aaron’s breath came sharper. He looked down at where Kevin’s hand was on his arm, so warm, warm even against Aaron’s sunkissed skin. His fingers long enough to warp around his forearm. His skin a lovely brown compared to the pink flush of Aaron’s arm. The raised scar tissue standing out against the tensed skin, stark contrast. Kevin squeezed his arm briefly, and Aaron felt dizzy.
“Ha. It turns out I’m actually your saviour. That’s embarrassing for you, Aaron.”
Aaron swallowed. He looked up into Kevin’s face. He was grinning; his dorky natural smile. Too many teeth, slightly crooked, a smile the cameras never got to see, that was not polished enough for the media. Aaron was already flushed all over from the exertion, but he felt even hotter, felt it stirring right in the core of him.
“You okay?” Kevin leaned down when Aaron didn’t answer, concern creasing his brow. He smelled like sweat and sunscreen; salt and something chemical. His grip was looser now, but still holding Aaron’s arm. Aaron’s pulse was a rush in his ears.
“Yeah,” he tried, but it caught in his dry mouth and he had to clear his throat and try again. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“No problem.” Kevin finally let go of him. “Maybe I should go in front, since I’m the steady footed one now.”
Kevin stepped around him and Aaron watched his back as he walked ahead. The muscle shifting beneath the sweaty planes of his skin. The damp beads running down the line of his back. The twin dimples framing the base of his spine. Kevin glanced back over his shoulder with that same dorky smile.
“Aren’t you coming?”
Oh, fuck, Aaron thought. Kevin might have caught him, but he had fallen all the same.