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Sougo was a stranger to sweeter, open affections.
No one around him had been all that good at it either. His sister was the kind to joke and stand her ground, but when it came to honesty, there was an invisible wall he'd been too young to understand. She was too far older, belonging to a world and family he no longer remembered, and next to her sometimes he found himself upset and unsettled.
He now understood it as guilt. The feeling that he could never help her, or know what was on her mind.
He mirrored her in his love for her, never sharing his sadnesses, taking care of her from a place where she couldn't see his efforts.
Kondo-san had been, at that time, a beacon to him. Someone who reached out and saw him. Laughed at him, ate with him, talked to everyone around him. His kindness never hid, he was simply… honest. Bright. Everyone at the dojo felt the same, and that tiny tether managed to thread Sougo into a group.
Hijikata had at the time, as much as he hated him, become someone he was grateful to. He could talk with Mitsuba at a level Sougo could not. He could also sadden her in a way Sougo could not.
At that time, it was all he could do to hope. And to hope, it was all he could do to follow the man who brought him that light, all the way to Edo. And watch his sister be unable to follow hers.
Sougo couldn't understand it. Hijikata and Mitsuba, they both knew what the other was thinking, yet they let each other go.
There was too little he could do about it. His skin flushed with anger even now.
Over time, Sougo had grappled with the sheer truth that Hijikata's sole desire was to be a samurai next to Kondo. That he truly did not want a relationship with his sister, despite having feelings for her.
Over the years spent watching him dedicate everything he had to his work, Sougo had painfully accepted that it was Hijikata's right to want his own life.
It was just his methods, and the fact that no one could do anything for his sister, that plagued him. It was watching her be unable to make that same decision.
He let out a breath, ignoring the way his chest wanted to stay tight.
And then, time had won. Him and Hijikata… the Shinsengumi had become family. Nearly losing them embedded it in his soul, there was nothing he'd protect more.
Sougo had seen Hijikata grow from the empty self-hating emo boy he was in Bushu to a stupid, caring, reliable, asshole Vice Chief.
Hijikata became someone Sougo had needed the order and blessing of to move to protect Kondo, to protect the Shinsengumi. Someone he truly would have followed instead, had he refused to give that order. It overwhelmed him, the genuineness with which he still felt that way.
But.
Sougo gingerly took a sip of fruit flavored alcohol. It was rare for him, and he hadn't planned on drinking much.
He'd tried at first not to notice it. Hijikata's admiration for the Yorozuya boss, growing beyond his own. Growing Hijikata into something more than he used to be. But he was starting to notice too much.
Hijikata had stuck close to Gintoki after the Shinsengumi disbanded, took the boss's lead on dealing with the bastard Katsura, worried about him enough to stay in a tiny town for two years just in case he showed up.
When the Shinsengumi stayed Shinsengumi even through disbandment, when everyone was becoming stronger family, Sakata Gintoki and the Yorozya had become a steadfast part of their home. All of theirs.
He'd said as much to Kagura, that day on the bridge. The city had felt half empty with just those idiots missing.
When he finally saw the Yorozuya boss, grief stricken and struggling to fight in the battle at the terminal, he'd said it himself. "We're all going home together."
Just like for Hijikata, danna had worn him down into someone who could say that. Into a "home together" kind of person. Sougo didn’t know what he was feeling, but one of them was that he felt sick.
He must have focused too hard on his overthinking, because he hadn't heard anyone approach.
"Are you on a stakeout?" and then, chastising him "Were you always old enough to drink?"
She asked it dramatically, but set her umbrella down next to the neighbouring stool and started to tie the dog's leash to its leg. Sougo recovered quickly from his surprise, voice lazy and even.
"Don't want to hear it from someone still drinking their bald dad's breastmilk. And I am on a stakeout, so get lost."
"Are you staking out a funeral? Your face looks ugly like that, fix it."
Sougo wasn't in the mood for this. Kagura was another one of them, she ignored his taunting so easily. He huffed and turned away. "The boss was on his way to play pachinko if you're looking for him."
"We stole the money before he went so he's fine. I was just taking a walk." She considered him. "Before I was interrupted by a giant shit in the middle of the road."
Kagura wasn't about to leave him in peace. Sougo just glared at her, and she ordered a fruit juice.
They sipped silently together for a while. The hot, humid air stirred insects slowly around their heads.
Sougo decided to try. "Your boss has been spending a lot of time with our Vice Chief."
"Yeah," She mixed the juice with the straw. "Sometimes children take time, but if you leave them they figure it out I guess."
Sougo looked closely over her face for a moment. She was nonchalant. He clicked his tongue, she'd meant friendship.
She didn't see it then, huh.
He sipped his own drink. Perhaps Sougo had noticed before Hijikata did as well.
Sougo's heart hurt.
He was overwhelmed. It wasn't like him, in public.
His normal composure never did stand a chance against his sister. Old habits.
Kagura had shown up at the worst time, but somehow he didn't feel like moving away as the emotions came for him. He couldn't talk to Kondo-san either after all, not about this. And he felt that on his own, he wouldn't come out of this too well. He set his jaw and tried to relax.
Kagura had been occupying herself in his silence by tracing the wood of the counter. After it was clear he wouldn't reply, she took the leash off the stool and let the dog run around. She played with it around on the street, but had left her umbrella there against the stool beside him.
So she wasn't going to ask him questions.
She was leaving him alone, but staying.
He let out a breath he hadn't known he had held. It had given him a strange permission to just be. A strange comfort. He knew she was capable of seeing past his lies… but the last time he'd been honest with her, she'd thrown him into a river. This was so perceptive it almost made him mad.
Sougo let the welcome breeze behind them cool his head down. He'd liked fighting then, but wasn't in the mood to fight tonight. And they didn't talk nice with each other. He supposes this was the only comfort she could offer him.
Silently grateful, he turned away from their noise and faced the near emptiness of his glass. Explored the prickling in his throat that made his eyes misty at the thought of his sister, and his elder brother.
He was outraged and heartbroken for his sister. He was painfully regretful of how everything had happened. He was painfully understanding of both of their struggles. And yet, watching Hijikata trust someone was making him happy.
He was angry at danna, so nonchalantly receiving what Hijikata could not give. He was happy for him, an idiot though he was, Sougo never missed the way his face turned bored when people got too close. Sougo was no different.
Sougo clenched his fist slowly around the glass, testing it. His throat closed up more and more.
He remembered the things he wished he could have torched away with grenades and 2.36 inch rocket launchers. The smell of strawberry parfait on Hijikata's drinking yukata more often than not. Hijikata eyeing the new Jump cover to see what was going on. Hijikata not needing as many trips to the sauna, retiring to his bed sooner than Sougo had time to lay his usual traps. Relaxed, now, by something else.
The cursed thing was that Sougo understood it all, he'd seen it all happen over the years.
He was scared to see Hijikata grow so much. He grit his teeth as his eyes grew hot. He was stricken with grief that it couldn't have happened sooner. Stricken with grief at the reality that could not change. Stricken with grief that he was upset while Hijikata was becoming happier.
And finally, what burned away at his chest. He was stricken with grief that he knew it was the Yorozuya, and not his sister, who had been able to wait for Hijikata, to become family. That he was also part of the family. His lip trembled, missing his sister. He missed her. He missed her.
A crushing wave bubbled up inside him—
He gulped the rest of the drink down.
Kagura was watching him now. Sougo realized there were tears sneaking down his face, too warm for how silent they were. This was ridiculous. Kagura couldn't see from her distance. He wasn't breathing, he wasn't making noise. His ribcage pinched impossibly tight. The pain was sharp. It prickled his airways. He clenched his jaw in frustration, how would he wipe them away without her noticing?
Kagura slowly approached him, and carefully, purposefully, sat right next to him. She didn't say anything, facing away from him, and he didn't glance once at her. He could feel her presence. He didn't want to know the expression she was making. There was no pity in it, he knew without looking.
So… he let himself stay there for a while. Let himself stay.
Sougo had a hard time with affection, but for now, just for now, he needed this.
Even on a somber night like this, the explosions rang out eventually.
Sougo leapt from structure to structure, letting his body burn some of the pain out. Bursts of adrenaline held him up as he guarded and played dirty, never letting her have a second to rest. It was exhilerating, after that shitty drink.
He was glad, once again, to be pushed so far. His muscles prickled with the excitement of holding his human ground against her otherworldly fiendish strength. The fighting was familiar. Fun.
As he walked home with Yato gunpowder on his clothes and bruises on his limbs, Sougo started to breathe again.
Guess he'd had a friend around too.
Gintoki sighed into his scarf, pressing his hands deeper into his armpits as the wind stole the warmth from him. He should have geared up better, the crunching under his boots was not only gravel, but frost. When was that asshole going to leave the park?
It wasn't like him to stalk, especially not the professional stalkers, but Hijikata had been meeting him less often these days. He'd been genuinely busy, and genuinely tired… and genuinely sad.
Gintoki breathed out a fog that was immediately swept away. Hijikata had been getting lost in his thoughts around Gintoki the last couple of days. It had worried him, and he could see whatever the reason was, Hijikata wasn't ready to be asked.
He'd asked for time alone a few days ago, and Gintoki had reluctantly agreed.
Gintoki sighed, strolled towards the vending machine and looked up at the night sky. He could believe, on this night, that the stars were made of ice.
On his way home from pachinko tonight, Gintoki had seen an officer in uniform on a bench.
The officer, sitting on his hands to warm them up, had stayed on the bench when a group of teenagers had a brawl in the park in front of them. He sat, barely fidgeting, until most other park visitors left. Gintoki stayed, watching Hijikata sigh and turn his head to the trees and back. Watched Hijikata's frowning face from the back of his head, and saw him cross and uncross his legs.
Gintoki had waited long enough.
Feeling grateful for the new source of warmth in his hand, he walked up to the bench and threw the other at Hijikata. "Canned coffee." He said simply, and sat down, drinking his own.
"I was…" Hijikata started to explain, but he faltered.
"It's okay."
Hijikata looked at him, trying to gauge his expression, then let his posture soften a little. He broke the tab on his coffee and gulped half of it down.
"Have you eaten?"
Hijikata shook his head. "Ran out of mayo."
And he hadn't run to the store to get 20 more?! "Did something happen? You're really freaking me out now."
"No, nothing happened. I was just thinking." His flat voice seemed about to fall into whatever hole he'd been drowning in just then. Gintoki shuffled a little closer to him, trying to share warmth. Hijikata reached for his hand, and Gintoki gave it to him, relieved. He hadn't been sure if Hijikata had wanted to be alone.
Hijikata let out a sigh, and relaxed into the bench as Gin stroked his knuckles with his thumb. They leaned against each other, warmer now.
"Hijikata-kun."
"Hm?"
"Buy me dinner, I haven't eaten either."
Hijikata chuckled, "Will you never stop leeching off me?"
"I got you the can, didn't I? Equivalent exchange."
This got Hijikata to really frown, Gintoki was pleased. "It's not equivalent! Don't play with the rules, Ed would smack you."
"It's 200g coffee, 10g sugar, 800g Gin-chan's love! The last part is important, are you that cold-hearted, Toshi!"
They'd been lighthearted, but that got Hijikata to grumble. He hesitated a little, and leaned in to peck at Gintoki's chapped lips. He was sure neither of them felt much through their numbness.
"Alright, I want soba today."
"Alright, there was a place open around here at this time last week." Gintoki was just glad he was able to cheer him up.
They walked close to each other, sharing the solidity of their bodies, Gintoki keeping an arm around Hijikata. Gintoki ran a hand up and down his arm from time to time. Hijikata didn't usually let Gin do this in public. Gintoki ruffled his hair. Idiots shouldn't think so hard.
The tired sigh Hijikata let out was melancholy, but endeared. He turned to Gintoki and gave him a peck.
"Thank you. I was starving."
---
"I was thinking about Mitsuba." Hijikata said quietly before eating the last mouthful.
"What about?"
Gintoki's own heart started to ache for him. That pain had settled far beyond where he could reach, and it was something he knew Hijikata would only mention sleep deprived and by his side at an empty counter. He ignored the selfish anxiety bubbling up, and rubbed the well worn callouses on his own right hand.
"Since we started doing all this… and I started coming to your house. I just..." He could see Hijikata try and squeeze the words out through a veil. Gintoki said nothing, just waited attentively for him to continue.
When he didn't, Gintoki simply stroked his back. He wished he could invite him to sleep next to him that night, but Kagura was home and it was 4am. Hijikata leaned into his touch.
"Come to mine tomorrow night, if you have trouble sleeping. I'll throw Kagura at the president."
Hijikata chuckled and hummed, his tired eyes finally closing. Gintoki scooped a careful arm around his arms and pulled Hijikata onto his own shoulder. Muffled sparks ran through him as Hijikata let him. Gintoki moved his hands slowly down to the sake cup, bringing it to his lips as slowly as he could. He stayed like that, sipping, swaying slightly as Hijikata rested, until he felt him nearly fall asleep.
"Wake up," he said quietly. "I'd love to carry you to the barracks, princess, but we haven't informed them that could happen yet."
Hijikata just grumbled into Gintoki's shoulder, and peeled himself off, eyelids now swollen. The place Hijikata had been felt sharply cold all along Gintoki's side the whole way back.
Hijikata walked too close to Gintoki, saying nothing while the other man walked him almost to the barracks. At the junction before the gate, they stopped, not wanting particularly to leave. Hijikata looked at him gratefully, if in a little pain. "Don't force your kid out, I'll be fine."
Gintoki ruffled his hair wordlessly, and let him go.
Hijikata was surprised just how comfortable it was, sleeping next to Gintoki.
He'd known Gintoki stayed up just as often as he did, so he hadn't expected the bastard to doze off immediately. Hijikata scoffed, snuggling into the futon next to him. Guess both of them were comfortable then.
Hijikata knew Gintoki was worried about him, but he wasn't ready to talk about this yet. About 100 years too soon for him. Which was a monumental improvement, because he'd never planned on talking to anyone about it ever. He sighed.
His sleep-deprived mind picked up the thread too easily. He'd hadn't been thinking about it, unable to let himself feel the hurt of it. The pain of it. He was cowardly.
Mitsuba had been scared.
Hijikata lay flat, looking at the wooden ceiling of Gintoki's room. Being so comfortable here in this place made it come faster. Hijikata had a sense that it was his self-hatred that was really pushing him away from it. From the pain.
Mitsuba had been scared to hope.
He felt that way because here, next to Gintoki, someone who had spent the last couple months showing him love… their different versions of him felt surreal. It didn't make him believe anything good, but it gave him a little distance from himself.
He had been scared to hope too. Both of them, him and Mitsuba, had felt that hope wasn't possible for them.
Hijikata shifted in the futon, face against Gintoki's back. He felt his warmth.
Back then, he hadn't known how to properly reach out to her. He was content to listen to her. Content to be kind to her. Content to watch her. But he didn't have anything to give her.
Hijikata had trapped himself. He'd learned it too late. That he wasn't just surviving anymore. Even when she showed up in Edo, and Hijikata found himself at the heart of an investigation from hell, he'd trapped himself. He convinced himself it was a matter of survival. That Sougo's head would roll if he didn't put his head down and work.
He snuggled closer into Gintoki, who, responding subconsciously to the warmth, turned around and threw limbs over him. Hijikata moved Gin's arm to his waist, clearing armpit away from his nose so he could breathe. He listened to the other man's beating heart to calm his own.
He'd attacked everyone out of rage when he was a kid. He'd just been surviving, and latched onto Kondo-san like a life raft. Following him hadn't changed much for Hijikata though.
Hijikata sank into the darkness in the room, grateful that it was this room. Grateful to Gintoki for being something to hold on to while he ventured into the lost parts of himself.
Even then he was just getting by, with the only thing he knew he had. The thing that had blinded his brother, the man he couldn't speak to. His sword. His violence. His chaos, his pain that was his own fault, his guilt. And the Kondo-san that calmed that fear down, gave him direction.
Hijikata searched in the dark for Gintoki's sleeping face. A warm feeling of protection bloomed in his chest. Gintoki's eyebrows were very slightly furrowed, and his cute lips had a little gross drool on them.
Hijikata feels, now, that he simply had nothing to share inside him back then. He hadn't known, but had found it finally on that ship in the sea, surrounded by blood and flames, fighting for Kondo-san against a country. With Gintoki at his side.
Back then, he was empty. He remembered feeling like his only chance at a life was in Kondo-san's direction. She'd known it too. Hijikata didn't want to settle down. He had chosen to live and die by the sword. He had chosen to throw everyone's lives away around him, that was the way he'd thought about it then. And about himself.
Hijikata had known painfully well that family was ruined by violence… and selfish adults.
He had known even young that someone who wanted something like that had no business leading someone on. So he made sure she wouldn't pursue him, someone as headstrong as her.
He wanted to show her it was this kind of path he chose. He wanted to show her how much she didn't want his path. He wanted her to follow hers. He knew that she didn't want his kind of a future either, and true enough, she let him go.
But now, he thought, feeling sick to his stomach. Now he'd grown. He'd found a use for his sword. He'd found a place as a soldier, fighting beside life as well as death. He'd found a connection even on the battlefield to smiles and safety and home. He'd received enough love to need to give it back. Need to fight for it. And it was Kondo and Gintoki who had brought that to him.
Hijikata curled into Gintoki's chest, breathing into his heartbeat. Calming down to his smell.
Hijikata had the perspective now to see what he had done when he was empty, surviving. The bloom in his chest was joined by thorns tonight.
It was too late to regret, but it hurt him. He hadn’t had the space to consider her. He hadn't had the love to give any to her, even in farewell. He saw now he hadn't known how to do anything other than slash at anything around him. He saw now he hadn't known to do anything than stay away when she came back, and find something he could destroy.
He kissed a part of Gintoki's arm and sighed. He really needed a drink.
He'd learned it too late. That the bar songs he'd thought were ridiculous had something right. That you can't love someone before you have love yourself.
He lay there, the tightness in his heart keeping his eyelids from closing as he realised… that strangely enough, the thoughts didn't leave him feeling icy and bruised like they usually did.
They hurt, and he grieved her loss… the loss of her life and the loss of opportunity for her to have been happier. He grieved for himself, for his disconnect with people… with love. But he also felt a strange solace in his soul and a comfort in his bones. Like a long, exhausting journey was in some ways over.
He snuggled even further into Gintoki's embrace, till there was no more space left to eliminate between them. He let every beat of Gintoki's calm heart travel into his own anxious one, and focused on the little snores barely leaving his chest. He let affection overcome him as he wrapped his arms tight around the sleeping man.
What a marvel it was that he'd learned it in the end.