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Zayn couldn’t remember a time before loving Louis anymore, it was a natural part of his life and he wasn’t sure if he would still function without Louis being there beside him. On stage, in the tour-bus, at the hotels, sneaking off in unknown cities across the globe or smoking backstage; Louis was always there. He was a big part of his life and Zayn felt lucky to have him there, to be able to call him his friend. Of course the other lads were too, but it wasn’t the same, not for Zayn. For Louis there might not be any difference, though Zayn liked to think there were.
Louis was his best friend and the person he spent the most time with in the whole world. It just naturally turned out that way since they were off away from home so often. Danny and Ant were his best friends too, but they didn’t know how the pressure of fame felt like. Also he didn’t see them as often. And when they did come, usually Louis was with them hanging out anyway. Zayn’s friends were Louis’ friends and vice versa. So Louis had become an important, even necessary, part of his life. They shared similar upbringing with poor families and with being the only boy surrounded by many women while growing up. They had similar interest and even though everyone thought Louis was the funny one, Louis seemed to think that Zayn was just as worthy of that title. Something Zayn was immensely proud of. Coming from Louis it just meant all that much more to hear him say he was funny. They had just clicked from the beginning and even though they did fall out from time to time they always ended up gravitating back to each other with a proper apology, because they didn’t want to not be friends.
Friends with a lot of touching and hugging. And maybe sometimes kissing, but mostly on the cheek, which isn’t that weird anyway. It was just how they were, how things had been from almost the beginning. It had been difficult for Zayn at first, because it was confusing and he didn’t know what it meant. So after Louis had joked about it enough times but still kept doing it he realized it was probably just Louis’ way of being friendly. Zayn loved it, and he even got to the point where the other lads dubbed him the prince of cuddles and love. He enjoyed holding hands and sit in the other boys’ laps and to give out kisses every now and then. He had always been the type to show physical affection and express his love in actions, he just hadn’t done it much to guys before One Direction. But even so he never got fully used to it, not with Louis anyway. Or rather he did, but every lingering touch or smile or kiss still felt special. He cherished it, and he loved it in a way he knew he shouldn’t. But Zayn didn’t care, because as long as he had Louis it would still be okay.
Zayn had thought about lines that could be crossed and if things would ever change, but the fear of changing it into something that meant Louis keeping a distance from him was too big to risk anything. So there he was, in love with his bandmate, Louis Tomlinson, yet each of them with a girlfriend of their own.
It ended up getting serious between him and Perrie without him noticing it and even though he didn’t love her the way he knew he loved Louis, she was able to take his mind off of his bandmate and for that he was grateful. She was fun and beautiful and Zayn felt like he should feel lucky, but he never did properly.
Perrie was a nice girl and all, but being with her hadn’t even been his idea to begin with. It was a mutual deal for PR and the fans had loved it and so the strategy had stayed in place, Zayn having been with Perrie in a mostly steady relationship for about two years now. At least that’s what it looked like to everyone on the outside and honestly most people on the inside. Only Liam knew the whole story, and though he didn’t like it he still let Zayn be, not really bothering him too much and only giving him sympathetic looks every once in a while. It was Zayn’s big secret.
When Louis first started dating Eleanor a big lump had settled in Zayn’s stomach. Maybe when the relationship seemed to never falter he had unconsciously gotten closer to Perrie as he tried hopelessly to forget that he didn’t just love Louis as a brother like he did with Niall, Liam or Harry. Sometimes he felt really bad about it, because Perrie probably deserved better. But what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, and besides it was what Modest! wanted anyway. It had been an okay deal for Zayn, at least in the beginning.
Then Louis had started to come around to Zayn, because Zayn was a good listener and even though he didn’t give much advice Louis seemed to seek his comfort. Things weren’t going well between him and Eleanor. Zayn imagined what it must feel like being away from the person you love so much, and knew that he was lucky that he at least got so much time with Louis. When they had breaks he still missed the other man, but at least he had his family and friends around for those short periods of time, and they were important too. And even during breaks he heard from Louis regularly, with both calls and visits. Yet he still missed the loud Doncaster lad, and while imagining that feeling, but almost constant, Zayn thought he probably understood somewhat how hard it must be.
He hugged Louis and said he knows how he feels, even though he doesn’t really because his relationship with Perrie wasn’t at all that difficult, though he did miss her from time to time. He didn’t like Louis crying over someone else, but they were bros, and bros are there for each other when they feel like shit. He lets Louis talk, and sometimes cry on his shoulder. Once in a while they ended up cuddled together on a bed or a couch, Zayn holding Louis close until they both fell asleep. Zayn couldn’t help but feel special every time Louis came to him for comfort, but it was hard to hear about Louis’ heartache sometimes, and Zayn would selfishly wish that he got a chance to love Louis the way he deserved to be loved.
It had been going on for months when one night, on their bus, Louis had whispered quietly “Thanks, for always being there.” It was not a tone of voice that Louis used often, but every once in a while, during their quiet moments a sincere statement of love would pass between them. Zayn had been holding his arms around Louis as they were lying down facing each other on Zayn’s bunk. Zayn being perfectly fine squeezed in to such a small space with Louis. “I don’t mind. I love you.” Zayn had said back, placing a soft kiss to the side of Louis head.
It wasn’t really anything special or different about either the statement or the action. They had told each other they loved one another, and meant it, since the days on the x-factor. They had kissed less innocent kisses before, but somehow this one seemed to mean something else. Because after Zayn pulled back, unlike any other time before Louis had looked Zayn straight in the eyes before switching to his lips and then slowly leaned in. Zayn hadn’t been sure what to do or what to think, but in the end he had just let Louis close the gap, closing his eyes as their lips met in a feathery kiss. It tingled and his stomach was fluttering, because it hadn’t been just a peck. No, because Louis had eventually, after realizing that Zayn wasn’t pulling away, put more pressure into the kiss and when Zayn could feel a tongue licking his lips attentively, he hadn’t been able to refuse. As he had opened his mouth to Louis, his bandmate had sneaked his hand up into Zayn’s hair and it had all felt so incredible he wasn’t sure it had been happening at all.
But it did happen. And here Zayn was, looking into Louis’ eyes and seeing his swollen lips still wet from their make-out session. Many times he had dreamt of something like this happening, but Louis’ smile was so real in comparison to what he had ever imagined that it made him feel dizzy. It felt different, of course they had never actually proper made out before, but it wasn’t just that. Louis was playing with his hair and they were in the bunk together just lying there quietly after something so intimate happening between them, yet it didn’t feel wrong. It felt more right than anything and so very normal that it almost hurt to think about. Like it was how it was supposed to be. They fell asleep like that, and Zayn dreamt of holding Louis’ hand and kissing him, but in a different world where only the two of them mattered.
When Zayn woke up Louis wasn’t there, and he wondered briefly if maybe the whole thing had been a dream after all. But then the curtain was dragged to the side, letting in some horribly bright light along with an even brighter smile on Louis’ face. “Mornin’ bro. You know Paul has already been here once poking on you to get you up. Everyone’s waiting for you to get your tiny ass out of bed.” Zayn groaned, because even if maybe he had already woken up before Louis actually came back, his part was to complain and not want to get out of bed. “Bright.” Was all he got out of him with his voice hoarse from his deep sleep as he forced his eyes closed to make a point.
“Come on, it’s not that early anyway, already 9.” Zayn was planning on protesting more, but then Louis leaned into his small space and the soft kiss he placed on Zayn’s lips was so unexpected that it got his eyes wide open. Louis was just smiling his usual toothy smile, winking before he disappeared out of sight momentarily. “I brought you a sandwich. I know you can’t stomach coffee right away. Weakling.” And then there was a sandwich in Zayn’s hand and though he was sitting up now, he could just stare at it. Louis had never done something like this before, and it baffled Zayn. He chose not to say anything though, and after a small smile in thanks he took a first bite.
After that Louis seemed happier again. There were still moments, usually right after a long-distance call with Eleanor, when he looked tired and fragile. But overall his friend was smiling more. They were acting like they always had, with plenty of snuggling, handholding and hugging. No one said anything about it, simply because it had always been like that. Zayn was in himself a very touchy person with people in general, but even so their crew knew that Louis was his first choice and it wasn’t questioned why. For Zayn it wasn’t normal though, not since that kiss had passed between them. Because the thing was that since then Louis had done it again, plenty of times, not that Zayn was complaining. It had become another part of their normality, though it ever only happened when they were alone. And that was why it wasn’t the same, because this was private, something between only Zayn and Louis. Not even the other three knew that at least once a day Louis would seek out Zayn and they would share sweet kisses that tasted of cigarettes or tea.
It evolved slowly, but Zayn made sure not to push, he left all the initiatives to Louis, because he still wasn’t sure if this was just another new layer of their special bromance. Frankly it made him both giddy and a little bit terrified to think that even after so many years as close friends he could still grow closer to and even more dependent on Louis. He wasn’t keen on screwing things up between them but if Louis was game for adding kissing to their friendship he was hardly going to refuse, he wasn’t even sure that he could. Though he sometimes did feel like he was using Louis because the kisses weren’t just friendly on his part, but he couldn’t very well tell Louis that.
Still, the change between them made him happier than he had been in a long time. The tour had been great so far and Zayn was feeling a little sad that they only had a few weeks before going on a month long break before going to Australia. At least they would have the movie premier in between so they would see each other then. He and Louis were on their way back to the hotel, they had just had a show in Vancouver and the buzz from it hadn’t settled down yet. However Louis had been unusually quiet the whole day and Zayn felt that his friend had been distant for a few days. They hadn’t even kissed once for three days, but Zayn tried not to think too hard about that, even though it made him feel incredibly lonely and then silly, for being so pathetic.
The adrenaline usually kept rushing through his body for at least an hour after they performed, and it made it difficult to sleep right away. He and Louis were usually up the latest, which the other three guys found quite annoying most of the time. So Zayn expected them to chill out for a while in one of their rooms like they usually did. But considering Louis mood, maybe not today.
However, when they reached the hotel Louis had passed his own room to follow Zayn, and they had ended up on the couch watching something on TV. He wasn’t really focused on what, because Louis had yet to say anything and it worried Zayn. So when commercial came on Zayn lowered the volume and turned to Louis. He was nuzzled down next to him with a blanket covering his whole body up to the chin and Zayn couldn’t help but find the scene adorable. But something in Louis expression gave him away, he had a worried look that you had to really know Louis to notice, and Zayn didn’t like it. “Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?” His voice was gentle and he put an equally gentle hand on Louis knee, squeezing reassuringly. The other man bit his lower lip and leaned in to rest his head in the nook of Zayn’s neck. His breath tickled Zayn’s skin and he could feel as much as hear the sigh Louis let out. He let the lad stay like that, putting his arm around him in a try to comfort. Louis was the type that opened up only when he wanted to, so Zayn wasn’t going to push. He was just going to be there.
“Do you not like kissing me?” It had been quiet for so long that Zayn had been sure that Louis had fallen asleep next to him on the couch. Louis voice had startled him a little and the question made him frown. “Why do you think that?” Louis looked at him but turned away looking shy, and it was weird. Zayn could swear the older boy was getting a tint of red on his cheeks. “Well, because it’s always me who kisses you.” Louis was sitting up straight now, and the shyness seemed gone as he looked Zayn straight in the eyes. All Zayn could do was blink which made Louis go on. He almost looked angry, or offended, as if ready for a fight. “Am I that bad? Is it because I’m a bloke? Am I disgustin’ to you?”
“No!” It came out louder than he had meant to but he really hadn’t been prepared for this. Louis still looked slightly annoyed and obviously waited for Zayn to explain further. “I kissed you back.” He retorted weakly. The other man just raised an eyebrow, it obviously wasn’t good enough. This was it then, the moment where he crossed all the lines he has so carefully treaded close to since he got to know Louis such a long time ago. “I really like kissing you. Probably too much. I just don’t want things to get weird. I don’t want to push you away.” It all came out in such a thick accent that anyone else but Louis and his family probably wouldn’t have understood most of it. But it was difficult, to get the right words out, they just seemed to want to come out in the wrong order and all at once. Zayn cursed his inability to speak properly, but then Louis face softened and Zayn relaxed some. “What do you mean too much?”
Louis was looking at him with a puzzled but curious expression. Zayn wasn’t sure he knew how to breathe anymore. He wanted to look away, but he felt like he was getting sucked in by Louis’ blue eyes, looking so serious, and he just couldn’t move. Maybe he should just say how he needed Louis because he was his best friend, it wouldn’t be a lie, but it wouldn’t be completely the truth either. A big lump closed off his throat. Here it was, the point he had finally come to after years of trying his very hardest to just be the bro that Louis needed and nothing else. But there was something, a spark some might have called it, in Louis’ eyes that made Zayn take the biggest risk in his life. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore all the ‘what if’s’ and possible bad scenarios that had crossed his mind over the years, and then he managed to say it: “I’m in love with you, Louis.” He didn’t add the ‘Always have been’, because somehow that seemed too much at the moment. The ‘in love’ instead of the solitary ‘love you’ already explaining enough in his opinion. It was probably overwhelming enough for Louis, it sure was for Zayn.
“You are?” A small tug at the side of Louis’ mouth indicates that at least he hasn’t made him upset, so he nods, reaffirming his statement. He doesn’t think he can speak properly anymore. Then Louis hits him, smacking him on the head hard enough for Zayn to wince. “You wanker, you should have just kissed me. I thought you were just being polite or somethin’!” Zayn feels the lump melt away. He just confessed, and Louis doesn’t seem to be the least bit bothered by the fact. Actually Louis looks happier than he has for the last couple days and then he pulls on Zayn’s T-shirt until their faces are all but touching. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, you twat.” And then they are kissing. It’s a bit rougher than any of their other kisses, desperate even, and Zayn revels in the feeling. He moves to get in a more comfortable angle and Louis moves with him, and somehow Zayn ends up being pulled down lying on top of Louis on the quite small couch. He’s not sure what to think about the very positive reaction Louis has shown to his confession, but he still feels like he needs to know what he thinks about it. He pulls away, feeling lonely already, he really is pathetic. The boy under him seems to want to follow him, not at all pleased that the kissing stopped. But Zayn doesn’t let their lips reconnect. “Aren’t you freaked out?” He accidentally blurts out.
Louis opens his eyes and looks at Zayn with annoyance and something Zayn doesn’t dare put a label on. “About what?” Then Louis tries to pull him down again but Zayn needs to get things sorted now. “I just told you I’m in love with you. Doesn’t that put you off at all? I’m your friend. And a guy.” The last part comes out so quiet Zayn isn’t sure Louis heard it, but he knows he did when Louis takes his face in his hand and forcefully pecks his lips. Then Louis’ lovely all teeth smile is there and Zayn’s heart does an involuntary flip. “You’re such an idiot. I really have to spell it out don’t I?” Louis shakes his head and laughs a little. “I’m in love with you too. Do you think I just go around kissing just anyone?” Louis raises his eyebrows and feigns being offended, Zayn is glad he knows Louis well enough to tell the difference.
“No, I don’t… but-” Louis sighs heavily, interrupting before he can say anything more. “No but’s Zaynie. It’s true, I love you and when you just said you love me you have no idea how happy that made me.” So it’s true then, after all this time, Zayn is actually living what he has so many times dreamed about before. He can’t help but smile. It feels like he’s about to burst. “I didn’t say I love you though. I said I’m in love with you. There’s a difference you know?” Zayn is holding back something like a giggle, wiggling his eyebrows. It’s funny to see Louis’ face change expression from confusion to twinkling mischief. “Just shut up and kiss me!” Louis says half laughing and Zayn has no problem with complying with the request. Zayn knows then that this won’t change anything, at least not for the worse. Zayn can’t believe it, but he knows that this is real. Louis wouldn’t play around with something like this. He decides to worry about Perrie later, because Louis is starting to tug at his shirt and they laugh as they almost fall off the couch. No, they are still the same, still best friends. It’s like nothing and everything has changed at the same time and Zayn couldn’t wish for more.
“Just to make things clear. I do love you too.” Zayn says, but Louis just tells him to shut up and kiss him. Zayn has no problem with doing that at all. In fact, if possible, he just might never stop doing exactly that. Because through some miracle Louis is finally his and Zayn has never been happier.