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Merlin had no right being as cute as he was. Seriously his servant was ridiculously handsome. The way the candlelight reflected of his hair, the way his ears peaked out behind his black curls, the way his eyes shone with mirth as he laughed at something Gwen said. People really shouldn’t be allowed to be that pretty.
„Arthur if you keep staring like that your eyes will fall out“ He might have startled a bit. „I have no idea what you’re talking about, Morgana. I am the crown prince of Camelot, I do not stare. Ever.“ „Sure you don’t brother dear. Keep telling yourself that.“ Morgana said with a sly smirk.
Of course Morgana wasn’t really his sister, but they’d grown up together and regarded each other as siblings. He huffed and took another sip of wine. He should really stop staring. No not staring, regarding maybe, or looking at, yes looking at was good. He was looking at Merlin’s lips as they stretched into a bright smile. Damn it Arthur wanted him to smile at him like that.
And he should really be focusing more on the noble guests of the feast and less on his manservant. But Arthur wasn’t only a prince, he was a man as well, and there were things men just couldn’t ignore. Like unfairly attractive over men.
Fuck he really shouldn’t be thinking this way. Merlin was his servant for goodness sake, this was wrong on so many levels. He went to sip his wine again, only to notice that his goblet was empty. Huh. When had he emptied it again? Not that it really mattered.
He went over to the wall Merlin stood at with Gwen, to get some more. Which was definitely not just an excuse to talk to Merlin, thank you. „Hey Merlin got some more wine?“ As Merlin refilled his goblet he got an other idea. „You want some?“ Merlin raised an incredulous eyebrow. „Really? Whatever happened to not buying drinks for your servants?“ „Well it’s not like I’m actually paying right now, am I, Merlin . That whine belongs to the castle already. Go ahead, pour yourself some“ An hour or so later Merlin and Arthur were both comfortably tipsy, leaning against the wall, and chatting, when the musicians started playing. Slowly people started dancing in the center of the room.
This was when Arthur had a great idea. He took a step back and bowed a little, stretching his hand towards Merlin. „Would you do me the honor of dancing with me?“ Merlin made an adorable surprised laughing noise. „Arthur, you may have had ballroom lessons, but I haven’t got the first clue how to dance. And I’m technically still working. And we’re both men, how would this even work? Isn’t dancing like - gendered?“
Arthur huffed. „Since when are you one for property? And I can teach you, it’s really not that hard. Provided the leading person knows what they’re doing and fortunately for you I do. Even you shouldn’t have too much of a problem.“ After a short pause he added „Please?“ That seemed to have been the right thing to say since Merlin took his hand. „It would be my pleasure, my lord“
Arthur positively beamed as he led Merlin to the dance floor. He laid his hand on his back tenderly and stretched their entwined hands outward. „Alright now you place your hand on my shoulder“ Merlin did as he asked.
„Good. Now you step back with your left foot“ he himself stepped forward with his right. „Then to the side with you right and follow with your left. Yes, just like that. And now the other way around, forward with your right, to the side with your left and follow with your right and so on - Hey, you’re really good at this!“
Merlin beamed at him at the rare praise. He loved that expression. Maybe he should praise Merlin more, if it would make him smile like this. And Merlin really was good. To be fair all he had to do was follow his lead, but still for his first time this was amazing. Arthur had danced with noblewomen who were much worse.
„Uh-uh, eyes on me“ he tutted fondly as Merlin dropped his eyes to their feet. Merlin picked up his gaze again and their eyes locked. This was far more intimate than Arthur had intended, but he found himself not minding as much as he should have.
„You really are incredibly good at this. We should do this more often“ Merlin let out another surprised laugh and his ears reddened, clearly not used to the praise. Arthur silently vowed to change that. And if it meant he would see Merlin blushing more often than he certainly wouldn’t complain. It exenturated his cheekbones nicely.
He was more relaxed and mirthful than he had ever been at any feat before. He’d never had company this good. „Honestly your far better than most noblewoman, and truthfully better company too. Never had this much fun at a feast before“ He laughed and promptly walked into someone.
Merlin stumbled into his arms, looked at the person behind Arthur, paled and almost jumped a few steps back, bowing his head and linking his hands behind his back.
„Arthur.“ His fathers voice was cold and disapproving. Maybe even a bit disgusted and certainly disappointed. Arthur felt his muscles stiffen. He slowly turned, head bowed slightly looking up to gauge his fathers mood. Controlled anger and open disapproval. He immediately dropped his gaze. He’d fucked up good.
„I do not wish to make even more of a scene. Meet me in my chambers in five minutes. I’d advise you not to be late.“ Arthur bowed at the waist and forced out a stiff „Yes Sire“ and his father turned leaving the room. He slowly exhaled while straightening. Merlin was by his side immediately placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. „Arthur are you okay? Is there anything I can do to-“
But Arthur wasn’t in the mood for talking or reassurances. He was tense and angry and dare he say it scared and he needed to let it out now, because woe him should he lose control in front of his father. So he did the only thing he could, the only thing he knew how, yanked his shoulder out of Merlin’s hand and yelled. „Don’t touch me, and go back to your job idiot! I have to go, don’t bother me!“ Merlin tensed, forced out a „Yes Sire“ and disappeared into the crowd.
Arthur hated the way Merlin sounded a bit like himself just seconds prior while saying those words to his father. But he really did need to see his father, the last thing he should do now was be late. So he left the feast and made his way to his father‘s chambers.
———•———•———
His stomach squirmed uncomfortably and his hands were cold and sweaty. He wiped them on his trousers before knocking on the hardwood door. „Enter.“ Arthur cursed inwardly at the tone of vice.
He pushed the door open and tried not to look intimidated, (because that was unbecoming of prince,) while showing that he was sorry and placing himself below the king. Because that was what they were right now, king and subject, not father and son. Heir. He doubted his father ever truly saw him as just his son. He was his heir at best and that was all he was gonna get.
Be a good heir and earn approval and love. Not that he was ever good enough, but that was his fault for being the failure he was. It was as his father had told him once. He hadn’t been worth his mother‘s life. Tonight just proved that. He was in love with his manservant for goodness sake, and he’d shown affection to him in public! Could he be anymore lacking?
He stood stiffly, arms behind his back, head bowed, not daring to look up from the floor. His father was right not to show him love. He didn’t deserve it. And what he deserved lest of all was Merlin’s love. The fact that he even wanted it was enough to prove that.
He found himself holding back tears. No he couldn’t cry, princes don’t cry, crying is weakness, never show weakness, never cry. He didn’t know if he was relieved when his father broke the silence or not. „What exactly did you think you were doing tonight?“ Arthur new better than attempting to answer.
„First you spend most of the night with your manservant, instead of entertaining the visiting nobles like your supposed to, then you ask said male servant to dance with you, instead of a nice eligible noblewoman, and then you don’t even have the decency to watch your step and run into your king, Arthur what is wrong with you? You have duty to this kingdom and I expect you to live up to it!
You cannot afford to waste your time on those beneath you! You will be king one day and I fear the day that happens since you are clearly the furthest thing from fit for the job. You are 21 it is high time you stopped behaving like a spoiled child and more like the crown prince that you are supposed to be!
You might not have thought that far ahead, but everybody saw the two of you dancing in there! What do you think will happen when the other kingdoms find out about this? Do you have the faintest idea of how that looked? If rumor gets out, you fancied men, associated with commoners that way, do you think there will be a singe princess left that would still agree to a marriage? And we need your marriage to strengthen the kingdom, you know that!
So even if your fancy should be as depraved, you had better not let anyone even get the smallest inkling about it, or I swear on your mother‘s name your ‘partner‘ will be dead by dawn, and you’ll get to spend the next month staring at the dungeon walls! Do I make myself clear?!
Wasn’t it enough that your mother gave her life for you, must you disgrace me and her legacy with everything you do? Sometimes I think I should forego your right to the throne and make Morgana heir apparent, aside form her terrible misunderstanding of the dangers of magic, she’d clearly make a much better ruler than you! At least with her I have hope she’s bright enough to learn!
Now I expect you to think about what you have done and never do it again, is that understood?“ Arthur felt like throwing up. His eyes were burning from holding back tears and he was pretty sure he was trembling all over.
„Is that understood?!“ Uther bellowed. „Yes Sire“ his voice cracked and he hated himself for it. He was supposed to be strong, yet here he was trembling and on the verge of tears about a few words. About the truth. Goodness he was pathetic.
„Dismissed“ the king growled. It couldn’t get any clearer that that. Arthur left the room, and the tears slipped out as soon as the door fell in place. He fled to his room, collapsed before his bed and let himself cry over his self-inflicted misery.
Because it really was all his fault, wasn’t it? If he weren’t such a sorry excuse of a prince, if he could do one thing right in his bloody life, or at least not fuck it up completely, he wouldn’t be here. Maybe he’d be able to make his father proud for even the fraction of a second, maybe he could be worth a little bit of love, if he, for once in his miserable life, could stop to be an utter disappointment.
Maybe-, as if he could ever be more than a failure and waste of space. But he had lost his chance at that the moment he killed his mother, he had lost that chance the moment he was born. Because from that very moment on, it hadn’t mattered what he did, from the second his mothers heart stopped beating he could never repent for what he had done. He could never be worth it, he could never be worth that sacrifice, because his mothers life was simply too high a price to pay for his. The kingdom knew that, his father knew that and so did he. And were his mother still able to know anything at all she’d know that too. And the fact that she couldn’t was his fault, which only served to confirm it.
He should never have been born. He was a mistake. He couldn’t never truly amount to anything. He wasn’t worthy of the title he was born to bear.
As Merlin said, he was just an entitled prat. Hell, he’d forced him to dance earlier, it didn’t get much more entitled than that. Merlin had known it was a bad idea, Merlin had warned him, and he’d still insisted.
What if Merlin got in trouble for this? What if someone who saw them had gotten the wrong idea and thought Merlin was as depraved as him? What if someone hurt him for being with the prince, be that true or not? Arthur would never be able to forgive himself if Merlin got hurt because he couldn’t control his stupid feelings.
Merlin had tired to stop him from making this stupid decision, he had tried to protect him as he always did, but had he listened? No, of course not, because he never could do a damn thing right.
Merlin had probably not even wanted to dance with him. What if he just hadn’t dared to say no? Out of some sick sense of duty, because if Merlin was one thing it was loyal. But Arthur had been pushy, because he could never leave well enough alone, he just had to ruin everything because that’s just what he did wasn’t it? And now he’d forced Merlin to dance with him, and what if Merlin never wanted to see him again?
Not that he deserved a second of Merlin’s time, but damn it why not add selfishness to the list of his shortcomings? Merlin had called him selfish before. And of course he had been right, Merlin was always right, Arthur knew that, and still he was to proud to admit it when talking to him. Why hadn’t he quit yet? Arthur was a horrible employer, why hadn’t Merlin just up and left him already? He deserved so much better than he got.
Damn it Arthur had yelled at him just tonight, and for what? Trying to comfort him? What the hell was wrong with Arthur, Merlin was his best, his only friend(and if that didn’t speak volumes of his character), the man he loved, and Arthur had gone and yelled at him for nothing. Again. Because he was always unnecessarily mean and he didn’t even know why.
He must have been sobbing quite violently, because he didn’t notice Merlin entering until he gently placed his hand on Arthur’s shoulder, concern edged into his face. „Hey there, Arthur can you take a slow breath for me? If you keep breathing that erratically you’ll pass out.“
He took Arthur’s hand and placed it on his chest. „Alright breathe with me, okay? Deep breath in, deep breath out, that’s it, your doing great. Come on another one. - There you go that’s it, good keep breathing.“ Slowly Arthur’s breath calmed under Merlin’s patient guidance. He only realized he’d been shaking, when the violent trembling of his body stopped.
„There we go“ Merlin encouraged him „that’s better. I’m guessing talks with your father didn’t go well? You wanna talk about it or do you want a distraction?“ Merlin was kneeling before him, the look in his eyes open and comforting.
Arthur sucked in a watery breath. „I’m inadequate, and I’ll run this kingdom to the ground, and I can’t keep my emotions in check and I’m selfish and rude and a prat, and I endangered you tonight and I endangered the future of the kingdom and whatever I do I’ll never be worth it, and I killed my mother, and I can’t ever do anything right and it would probably be better if I just disappeared.
Why are you even still here? I’m horrible to you and I forced you to dance and ‘m so entitled and why don’t you just leave me already and spend your time with people who actually deserve it?“ Somewhere in his rant he’d ended up in Merlin’s arms, whether that was because he’d thrown himself at him, or because Merlin had pulled him in, he couldn’t remember.
But Merlin was holding him, the only thing keeping him together and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been hugged, or if he ever was at all, but it felt nice and he never wanted to let go. „Woah calm down Arthur, it’s okay“ Merlin intervened before he could work his frenzy up further.
„For what ist worth, I don’t think your inadequate at all. You’ll make a great king one day, you know why? You are kind and compassionate and you actually care about your people. And you strive to correct your mistakes, when you make them. Forgive my treason, but that alone will make you ten times the king Uther is.
Sure you aren’t perfect but guess what? You’re human and frankly I’d be more concerned if you were. You try to be better, you actually get better and that’s what counts.
And your mothers death was in no way your fault. People die in childbirth and yes that’s tragic, but it’s in no way the baby’s fault. It’s something that happens and unfortunately can’t be prevented every time, but I’m sure if your mother could see you now, she’d be just as proud of you as I am.
And Arthur, I am so proud of you! You have changed so much for the better in the last year and you really try and I appreciate that. You are worth the world and I am happy for every second I spend by your side, every second of your growth I get to witness.
I would never leave you, you are the most important person in my life, and there’s nobody I’d rather spend my time with. If you aren’t worth my time then nothing and nobody is. You are everything Arthur and I wish you could see that and I promise I’ll give everything I have so that one day you will. I love you. You deserve so much more than you grant yourself. If you trust me even a bit then believe me you are worth everything and more“
Arthur looked at him with stunned adoration, sniffed and tucked his head into the crook of Merlins neck. "You mean that?" he wispered. "Of course Arthur. You just can't see how good you are"
Arthur didn't really belive him, but it was nice to hear nontheless. His stomach flodded with warmth. Merlin stroked his back tenderly and Arthur felt himself relaxing into it. He didn't normaly do huggs, uncomfortable with the voulnerability of them, but this was Merlin and he trusted no one more.
It was cofotable being close with him, and he found himself yearnig to feel this safe more often. When he felt Merlins lips brush his themple he let out a small sigh. Merlin stiffened, realizing what he’d done.
"I- I'm sorry Sire, I shoulndn't have-" Arthur feelt like something simultaneously blossomed and wilted within him. "Don't" His voce was small as he tentatively pressed his own lips to Merlins neck. „Don’t be sorry“
Merlin took a breath and ran his hand through Arthurs hair. "You-?" "Yeah" Merlin drew back a little and connected their foreheads. Slowly as if not to scare Arthur away he leand closer until the space between their lips was practically non-existant. Their lips brushed until suddenly Arthur pulled away.
"Wait. We- This is not- This is- If father found out he'd- And I'll have to marry-"
"I dont care."
"Merlin "
"No. I want this. I'm aware of the risk, I'm aware that this can only last so long, I know you'll have to marry for the kingdom someday and this will all be over, but I still want this. I want you. For as long as you'll have me. I'll back of if you want me to, but please, don't push me away beause of your father."
"If he finds out and you get hurt- I couldn't bear that" Merlin cupped his cheek. "He won't. And if he did thats a risk I'm willing to take. And that is my choice because the risk is mine."
Arthur released a breath. „Alright. Alright if you’re sure“ „I am.“ There wasn’t the faintest hint of hesitation in that sentence. Slowly giving him plenty of time to pull away Merlin leant in once more. Arthur closed the space.
It was slow, tender and inceadibly intimate. Loving. Arthur all but melted into it. Let Merlin have everything he had to give, clay in his hands. His to mold and arrange however he liked. To be taken apart by him and let him remake him in whatever way he pleased.
When Merlin broke the kiss they were both short of breath. Arthur sunk into his chest, exhausted from all the emotions and crying. „Let’s get you to bed hmm?“ Arthur hummed affirmatively. Merlin slowly drew him to his feet and sat him on the edge of the bed. When he was changed Merlin tucked him in. The last time someone had done that he was about 5 years old at the most.
„Stay?“ He really didn’t want to be alone right now. Merlin smiled softly at him and Arthur’s insides sang. „Alright“ He got out of his day clothes and slid under the covers next to him. Next thing Arthur knew, he was enveloped in tender arms, his head resting on his newly acquired lovers? chest.
He’d never shared a bed like this before not even when he’d had nightmares as a child, as it was unbecoming. A lot of things that made him feel better seamed to be. He fell asleep in no time, to the soft strokes of Merlin’s fingers though his hair. He had never slept better.