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part i – hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man
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Dan, laughing at one of his awful puns. Dan, joking about taking a “fringe check.”
Stop brain please give me a rest please.
Dan, looking at him with an expression of genuine adoration. Dan at Vidcon, smiling and taking selfie after selfie with enthusiastic fan after enthusiastic fan.
Please please stop shut up shut up.
Dan, going on tour with him. Dan, falling off his chair in the gaming videos. Dan, laughing.
Stop stop stop please please please.
Dan, smiling. Dan, eagerly learning about Japan.
Shut up shut up shut up please.
Dan, happy. Dan,alive.
Please please stop please please.
Try counting down from 100, Phil thought to himself. Maybe that will help my brain rest and shut up shut up shut up please.
100.
99.
Dan.
100.
99.
“Why won’t you let me go,” he heard.
100.
99.
98.
97.
No more Phil is not on Fire videos.
100.
99.
“Please, Phil. I need – you need – we both need to let go.”
100.
99.
98.
97.
“It hurts so much. Please. Let me go.”
100.
99.
98.
“Why won’t you let me go?”
100.
99.
No more “Dan and Phil.”
100.
99.
98.
“Fuck – Phil, please just. Please. Just move on. Accept it as it is. Please.”
100.
99.
98.
97.
Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan.
100.
99.
98.
97.
96.
95.
94.
“Why won’t you just let me go?”
100.
99.
98.
97.
“Because I need you,” Phil whispered back. “Because – because if I let you go then I’ve accepted it and,” his chest was tightening and he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe “I haven’t,” I haven’t I haven’t I haven’t, “and I can’t accept it I can’t let you go I can’t move on I’m sorry,” I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sor –
Phil was cut off when Dan sat down next to him in his bed. “It’s okay. Breathe. Don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize. Just – just hold on to me for right now, okay? Hold on.”
They lay together – Phil clinging to Dan, who lay on top of the covers, as if he could prevent the inevitable. And when Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s forehead, it felt that maybe Phil was fighting a battle that he can’t ever win.
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At first, Phil didn’t believe her. It wasn’t possible; it wasn’t true. Looking at her official badge, though, he wasn’t sure that he could pass her off as a liar.
His grip on the doorframe tightened.
“Oh my God,” he muttered.
“I am so sorry, Mr. Lester. Please accept my sincerest condolences, but do know that there was nothing we could have done.” And though he would generally have passed that off, he noted that her voice cracked.
“I understand.” His voice sounded like he was underwater. “Thank you for informing me.”
After closing the door, he stumbled up the many flights of stairs. Stairs that he would never hear Dan complain about again. Stairs that he would never hear Dan wheezing after ascending them again.
Fingers shaking, he composed a tweet, despite how trivial of an action it seemed – AmazingPhil: I am so sorry to inform you all that Dan died this morning in a car accident. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry everyone I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
Post.
Don’t hate me please I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
Post.
There was nothing I could have done I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
Post.
He turned off his phone before the notifications could start to flood in.
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Phil was staring at the wall. He knew that he should eat something. He knew that he should drink some water. But he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t.
Why should he be supplying himself with nutrients necessary for living when Dan couldn’t? Why should he be taking care of himself when if he just let himself deteriorate he could rejoin Dan please just let me be with him again please.
He hadn’t cried yet.
He wondered if that was natural.
He wondered if he should be crying.
He wondered if he was supposed to be feeling something other than this blinding numbness.
I’m sorry I haven’t cried yet I’m sorry I’m sorry I know I’m an awful friend I’m sorry I’m sorry I just can’t cry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
“Phil,” Dan whispered. “You need to at least drink something – I’ll make you some tea.”
He couldn’t bring himself to turn his head away from the blank wall and look at Dan, because looking meant making eye contact and making eye contact meant bursting into tears and apologies.
“Chamomile,” Dan noted as he gently placed the warm mug into Phil’s hands.
He drank, not conscious of what he was doing.
He never looked away from the wall.
“Come on, let’s go to bed.”
He didn’t realize that Dan had said let us.
Let us let us let us.
He let himself be dragged from his seated position on the sofa into his room. The fact that he hadn’t brushed his teeth went ignored. He let himself be tucked under his covers. He let himself but he shouldn’t he shouldn’t he shouldn’t.
Dan was lying next to him. Dan had his arm around him.
Suddenly he was hyperaware of everything around him and he turned to Dan, eyes wide.
“Just sleep,” Dan whispered, with a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
The last thing he recognized before he fell asleep was Dan whispering, “Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean you don’t have to take care of yourself,” before pressing a kiss to his cheek.
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Get up.
He couldn’t.
You need to get up.
Get up get up get up.
I can’t I can’t I can’t.
Phil knew that he should get up to answer the door, but his limbs felt like lead and he couldn’t move he couldn’t move he couldn’t move.
“Get up,” he heard.
The voice sounded suspiciously like someone he was desperately trying to avoid thinking about.
He glanced around his bedroom, eyes darting quickly from one corner to the next. There was no one, of course.
What is happening am I going insane help please help me help please please.
Come on, get up.
I know I know I know.
“You can do it,” he heard. “You can get up and answer that door. Get up.”
He looked around once again, and this time, he saw someone.
Dan.
Dan, his best friend. Dan, his dead best friend. Here. In the flesh. Apparently not dead.
“Dan?”
He smiled.
“Phil.”
“How – what – I thought –”
“You haven’t let me go yet. And that’s okay. So I’m here until you let me go.”
Phil tried to comprehend what was happening. “So, are you – you’re not – what? Sorry,” he added in hindsight. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I just – I don’t understand.”
Dan grinned.
“I’m not a stranger,” he said with an indignant laugh. “I am dead, though, if that’s what you mean. But I’m here until you accept that. It’s okay that you haven’t yet. That’s why I’m here. To help you let go. I won’t be able to stay after you’ve let me go, though.”
The doorbell rang once again.
“You really should get that,” Dan said with a hint of a smile. “Come on, I’ll help you.”
And Phil got up.
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part ii – to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering
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“Why won’t you let me go,” Dan asked; his eyes brimming with sadness. “It hurts so much to be here and to see everything and I just wish that I didn’t have to so please – please just let me go! Why won’t you let me go?”
“Because – because I’m afraid that if I let you go I’ll fall apart and – and I don’t know what to do! I’d break down and I just don’t know what to do and how to deal with everything I can’t, Dan I can’t I can’t I can’t I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so pathetic and worthless I’m sorry I just can’t I’m sor –”
“Phil. Stop, please,” Dan said gently.
The look of terror must have been apparent on Phil’s face, as Dan quickly clarified, “You haven’t done anything wrong, but just – just…listen to me for a second.
“Please don’t talk about yourself like that – please, for my sake. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. You wouldn’t break; you wouldn’t fall apart. You’d be sad for a while, yes, but you’d move on.”
Phil angrily turned his focus to the bright light and blinked furiously to keep the tears from flowing out of his eyes.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry please forgive me don’t leave me I’m sorry.
“I’m just – I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough. Dan,” And his voice cracked on his friend’s name, “Dan, I’m afraid that I’m not enough anymore.”
And Dan smiled the saddest smile Phil had ever seen, and replied, “You are enough. You are more than enough.”
Somehow Phil didn’t feel as though that comment was only intended for him, though.
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Everyone was crying. Everyone except for Phil. He knew that it looked so insensitive but he couldn’t cry he couldn’t cry he couldn’t cry. Perhaps it was because he could see Dan in the corner of his eye. Perhaps it was because Dan wasn’t really gone, at least for him.
Someone sniffled.
It was his turn to speak. It was his turn to walk up to the front and speak about Daniel James Howell. It was his turn to walk up to the front and make eye contact with tear-filled eyes and stained cheeks and speak about Daniel James Howell, deceased.
His hands were shaking as he stood up.
Phil kept his eyes trained on his trembling hands instead of looking up at the people. He couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t.
“Dan helped so many people.”
He still wasn’t crying.
“Dan helped so many people, but my – my greatest regret in life will always be that I…I wasn’t able to help him when – when it mattered most.”
He was crying. A tear fell to his hand, and dripped in between his fingers.
He was shaking. He couldn’t control his body and he couldn’t stop shaking he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t.
Dan was beside him. “Just breathe,” he whispered. “Everything will be okay. Just breathe. Everything will be o –”
“And everything will not be okay. And everything won’t go back to normal. But we’ll –” he sniffled – “we’ll learn to live with it.”
He’d started sobbing before he even reached his seat again.
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Once everyone had safely boarded the boat, they were off on the Thames. Although the boat moved slowly, Phil felt as though everything was slipping out of his grasp too quickly for him to try to hold on.
He was so alone so alone so alone so alone.
And once the ashes were dropped into the murky water, he was even more alone than he ever thought he could be.
There was no more Dan and Phil. There was only Phil. Lonely, alone, Phil. Phil, who outlived his best friend. Phil, who watched as the ashes of his best friend drifted down down down. Phil, who stared at the place where they had disappeared into the depths of the Thames long after they’d gone.
Phil jumped when he sensed Dan next to him. A single tear was dripping down his best friend’s face.
“We are but dust and shadows, Phil. Dust and shadows. We will always return to what we are at the most fundamental level. What’s the point of living if you’re just going to be ashes again? What’s the point of loving if you’re just going to end up at the bottom of a dirty river? What’s the point of hoping if all it ever does is prolong suffering? All it ever does is create pain and sadness and – save yourself from that pain, Phil. Save yourself that pain. Let go. Don’t hold onto anything because then nothing can’t be taken from you.”
Phil could feel the tears streaming down his face but he didn’t bother to wipe them away.
“We live because we aren’t given a choice. Do you think I asked for this? Do you think any of us asked for this? We didn’t, but it was shoved into our hands. We love because it’s all we know how to do. IF I had a choice, maybe I would. Maybe I wouldn’t. But no one was given a choice, and no one ever will be,” Phil’s voice cracked and he couldn’t do anything but shake his head, as if his choked voice would leave if he expressed he didn’t want it there, “We hope because we were never taught not to. As children, we are only told about the great things that hope brings but when you get older you realize that hope is the most awful thing humans have ever created but no one tells you that because no one cares about anyone. We are alone. All alone.”
“You’re not alone. Maybe everyone else is, but you’re not.” Dan said gently. “I care.
“We are but dust and shadows, Phil. Remember that. Remember that someday we will all become stardust again. Remember that I care. Remember that you are not alone. Remember me.”
And he was gone, leaving Phil to battle the winds on his own.
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“I could get used to this,” Phil sighed contently.
Dan stiffened.
“I just mean,” Phil tried to clarify, “it’s a good thing I haven’t let you go yet, bec –”
Phil couldn’t pinpoint the moment when Dan was cuddling him on the sofa to when he was standing up, only that there was suddenly a gust of cool air around him.
“What,” Dan began, sounding scarily calm, “the fuck are you saying?”
He stood up to try to equalize their footings, but even when they were both standing, Dan was still an inch taller. “I – it’s like you never…it’s like that day never happen –”
“Stop taking the fact that I’m still here for granted! I might be here but I don’t want to be.”
Phil lost his footing and stumbled away from Dan and towards the wall as he felt coldness wash over him.
“Why won’t you just let me go?! If you loved me, you’d let me go. You’d let me go. Why don’t you love me? Phil, why don’t you love me?”
The decrescendo of noise, from screaming to whispering, hadn’t been enough to prepare Phil for the emptiness of the silence that followed.
“Dan, I – I do love you – the reason I can’t let you go is because I love y –”
“If you loved me you wouldn’t hurt me! Refusing to let me go is hurting me! If you loved me, you would let me go. Let me go. Please – fuck, just please it hurts so much and I can’t – just let me go, Phil.” His voice lost the anger it’d had just moments ago, and now was weary and weighed down. “Please, Phil, just – let me go. Let me go.”
I’m sorry I’m so sorry I’m sorry I know I can’t make up for it but I’m sorry I’m so sorry.
And he was gone.
And Phil felt that when he was left alone, a piece of his soul died.
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Dear Dan,
I know that our last encounter was less than amicable, but I think it’s easier that way. It’s easier for me to let you go when I think about how the last time we were together, you were screaming at me – and rightly so – than if the last time we’d been together had been full of cuddles and comfort. It’s easier this way. And I’m sorry that I’m taking the easy way out but if I took the other route I wouldn’t be able to let you go. I told myself I wasn’t going to apologize to you but I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I love you please love me back please.
I know that I’ve been unfair to you. I know that by not letting go, I’ve been holding you down. And I don’t want to – I honestly don’t want to hold you down. But I couldn’t let you go. I – I couldn’t accept that fact that you were…dead and not coming back. So I clung to you with whitening knuckles. And by doing so, I was unfair to you. And I’m sorry. But now – now I know that I have to let you go. I have to accept the fact that you’re dead. You’re dead. There’s nothing I can do about that; there’s nothing I can do to change it. And I’m so, so sorry. However, I’ve accepted that, now. It’s been – I’ve been – unfair to you. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. By letting you go, though, I hope that I can rectify the situation.
I know that you’re dead. I know that you can’t come back – that I can’t make you come back. I know that by refusing to let go, it was hurting you. So I’m letting you go. I’m letting you, Daniel James Howell, the love of my life, move on from this world. Go, please. Find happiness elsewhere. I do not know what will follow for you, but I do know that I don’t want you to look back. Don’t look back on me, please. Move forwards with your shoulders squared and your chin up.
I know that I will be alright. I have accepted that you are dead and that you can’t come back. I will be alright. And you will too.
I love you. And I’m letting you go.
And as Phil dropped his pencil, he loosened his grip on the boy who he loved so, and knew that although Dan was slipping through his fingers, he could never truly lose him. And somewhere else, Dan smiled as he drifted away; out of the clutches of the boy who loved him so, and whom he loved back.
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part iii – one must have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star
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I’m so alone so alone so alone.
“Dan?”
Please don’t let me be alone please.
“Where’d you go? Dan?”
Don’t tell me that you’ve left me again.
“Dan? Dan please. Dan. Dan?”
Wasn’t it enough to leave me alone once? Why did you have to do it again?
“Dan please I haven’t let you go come back please.”
Why does everyone I love leave me?
“Dan. Dan. Please Dan I’ll be better please just come back please please Dan.”
Please just come back why won’t you come back.
“Dan? Dan. Dan! Dan!”
Who gave you the right to ruin me in this way?
“Please Dan please I haven’t let you go please please please.”
His knuckles were bleeding and he didn’t know how they came to be that way but there was a hole in the wall so that might be a good indication.
“Dan!”
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him for leaving. I hate him for not coming back. I hate him.
“Dan please please please I’m sorry please.”
I can’t hate him I can’t I can’t I love him too much to hate him please please just come back please.
“Don’t let me be alone,”
And he was alone, as he would always be.
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Though the wind nipped at his ears and the rain dripped onto his neck as he stood, motionless, at the corner of a busy street, Phil couldn’t bring himself to pull up the hood of his jacket. He was too infatuated with just staring at all the life and movement and motion right before his eyes. So many people, he thought. So many places to be; so many things to do. And yet, everyone is going around in circles and going nowhere. Purposeless. What’s the point? Why should anyone do anything, if we’re all going to die in the end? Why should anyone do anything, if your best friend is going to die before he even turns twenty-five?
The world is mad, he concluded. Everyone goes about and does meaningless things, and yet they expect to be remembered as having done meaningful things. No one ever questions the madness of the world, and that makes it even madder.
And when he encounters fans – two girls, trying to find the balance between excited about meeting Phil and mournful for Dan – he can barely bring himself to smile for them. He flinches when they come to hug him, even though it was he who opened his arms. And their faces fall slightly, but they try not to let it show. But he sees, and he hates himself for it. And when one of them offers that they don’t have to take a selfie, he grabs onto the idea like he’s drowning and it’s a lifeline. His apologies trip on the way out of his mouth, and he apologizes more for that. But they seem to understand, and for that he’s grateful. And when one of them expresses concern about him going around alone, and the other agrees, and together they offer to accompany him on his expedition or at least to a Starbucks so that they’ll feel better about leaving him, he lets the waves guide his life raft wherever it’s meant to go.
They end up in a Starbucks. All three get a water bottle each, despite the somewhat strange looks from the barista. And the girls are quiet, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable. It just is. And Phil was comforted by how they weren’t pressuring him into speaking and how they were just letting him be and he felt guilty. His apologies stumbled their way out of his lips again, but they tell him that it’s okay and that they understand. And he thinks they do. So the three of them sit in comfortable silence, until Phil begins to speak.
He tells them about how alone he feels, about how he feels abandoned. He tells them about how hard it is to get up in the morning without Dan, how hard it is to see their collection of mugs without thinking about him. He tells them about how much it hurts, about how much everything hurts and no matter what he does he can’t get it to stop hurting.
And they are good listeners.
And it is only once his voice is so choked up that he can’t speak anymore that he realizes that all three of them are crying.
One of them reaches into her bag and offers Phil a tissue, which he gratefully accepts. Once more, he tries to apologize but the words fall out of his mouth in a manner lacking composure. And again, the girls understand.
Despite their understanding, though, he still feels as though he’s not enough; that he’s not doing enough. And when they tell him that he’s more than enough and that he doesn’t owe them or anyone anything, it reminds him so much of what Dan told him that he cries harder. The girl hands him another tissue, but this time he doesn’t feel the need to apologize.
And when they tell him that they’re concerned about him pursuing his errands, he doesn’t feel as though he needs to apologize for that either. So he decides to go back to his flat, and invites them to walk back with him.
And they seem surprised that he trusts them so implicitly, but go along with it.
Though the wind nipped at his ears as they walked, Phil didn’t feel it as much as he had before, and he didn’t think that the only factor was the fact that his body was now in motion.
And when they got to his door, he didn’t have to ask them not to come in. And once again, he felt incredibly grateful towards these two girls, whom he didn’t even know their names. Before they walked off, they each gave Phil a post-it note that they’d written just then, and suggested that he put them in places he’d see often. And when he looked down at them, his eyes filled with tears at their thoughtfulness.
You are more than enough.
You don’t owe anyone anything. Your health is more important than pleasing anyone and everyone.
And this time, when he opened his arms for a hug, he didn’t flinch.
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And two years after Dan’s death, for the first time since before his best friend died, Phil uploads a video.
It’s a diary of sorts. It tells about how he dealt with the emotional pain, how he took it out on his knuckles, and how he refused to post a video until now because he thought that if he did then it would be real and he just wanted to ignore it for as long as he could.
Now, he says, he cannot ignore it any longer.
He talks about how much of a lovely person Dan was. He talks about how much Dan helped people. He talks about how Dan’s smile could light up any room.
Phil doesn’t edit the video. There are long pauses and awkward shifting, but he didn’t want to come off as alright, because – honestly – he’s not. He’s not alright, and he addresses that as well. However, he does say that he’s getting closer to alright, and that’s what matters.
He doesn’t cut out the section where he begins to cry, and this makes everyone watching cry with him.
Next, he talks about two fans – two girls, he corrects himself – whom he met on the streets on day. And he tells about how supportive they were, how they didn’t push him to take a selfie, how they took him into a Starbucks and let him talk. And he tells his audience – these two girls in particular, though, despite the fact that he still doesn’t know their names – about how much this genuine act of kindness warmed his heart, and brought him closer to being alright.
He talks about how he can’t do YouTube any longer, and how this is going to be his last video. He’s going to follow his Masters, he says. And though he smiles sadly, he and the viewers both know that this will bring him closer to alright than continuing to make videos.
After hours of exporting, once the longest video he’s ever created has been published, he feels much closer to alright than before.
And he doesn’t feel the need to apologize anymore.
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the end