Chapter Text
It was a normal Wednesday, the evening when Seokjin's life came crashing down around him. They'd finished working early and returned home to pizza and a night in front of the TV. Yoongi had promptly fallen asleep, curled up next to Namjoon on the smaller couch. Jungkook had continued eating long after everyone else were full, before stretching out across Seokjin and Jimin's thighs, his feet resting on Hoseok's lap at the other end of the bigger couch. Taehyung had taken the only armchair and was passionately arguing with Hoseok about what to watch. Truly, it was like any other night.
Seokjin didn't think twice when Jimin snatched his phone out of his hands, wanting to check out the video he'd filmed earlier at dance practice. He was too engrossed in Hoseok and Taehyung's discussion, interjecting with his own suggestions, to notice when Jimin stilled beside him. Too busy poking Jungkook's cheek, and pulling on his hair to think about the way Jimin was slowly inching away from him, muscles stiff and face hardened with barely concealed anger.
"Hyung, what is this?" Jimin asked. Perhaps, if Seokjin had been paying attention, he would've heard the unnatural shake in Jimin's voice, the venom with which he spat out the words. Instead, he turned blissfully unaware of what was about to pass, laughter playing on his lips as he looked towards Jimin, only for his heart to stutter to a stop inside his chest.
Because Jimin wasn't just showing Seokjin what he'd found on the older's phone, he was brandishing it for everyone in the room to see. Seokjin choked on his own laughter, and the ensuing silence was so all-encompassing you could hear a pin drop. All of their gazes had been drawn to the tiny screen and the secrets it revealed. Seokjin felt sick.
He would spend a lot of time wondering afterwards what he could have done differently to avoid what had happened. He should've deleted that picture after his last relationship ended. Or maybe, as soon as he'd found it on his phone. He shouldn't have allowed it to be taken in the first place. Perhaps if he hadn't dated Jaewook at all, ignored his feelings for the other guy, he wouldn't be in this position.
The picture in question was taken about a month after they'd started dating. They'd still been in the honeymoon phase, everything the other did was endearing and they wanted to be close to each other constantly. Seokjin had had the rare opportunity to sleep over at Jaewook's place, with the lie that he was going over to visit his parents. They'd stayed up most of the night, talking and kissing and then fucking.
Seokjin had woken up first, started scrolling on his phone before Jaewook woke up and took it from his hand. He'd been so lost in the feeling of Jaewook's mouth on his, his tongue tracing his lips, that he hadn't even noticed Jaewook snapping that picture. With the morning sun filtering in through the window, they looked to be practically glowing. There was no way to misinterpret the way they were holding each other. Seokjin's face was clearly visible, shoving his tongue down another man's throat. Seokjin wanted to throw up.
"Hyung! Are you gay?" The word sounded ugly in Jimin's mouth, distorted and wrong. The weight of his friends' gazes on him seemed to push at him from all directions, squeezing around his chest in a deathly grip. He couldn't breathe.
He could do no more than watch as the phone was passed from hand to hand, his muscles locked up, preventing him from protecting whatever dignity he had left. The secret was out. Their reactions seemed to burn itself into Seokjin's retinas, forever immortalized in his mind. Hoseok's disgusted nose scrunch, the way he couldn't bear to hold the phone for more than a couple of seconds before he practically threw it towards Taehyung. Taehyung, who stared at the picture for a long time, brow furrowed in confusion.
The moment seemed to go on forever, until Namjoon shook away the shock and stepped into the leader role, marching up to Taehyung and taking the phone from his hands, only sparing it a glance before turning the phone off. The screen turned black too late, they'd all already seen it.
Seokjin didn't understand what Namjoon was doing when he walked up to him, holding the phone out in front of him. Did he want him to explain? Seokjin wasn't sure he could, sirens were going off in Seokjin's mind, effectively blocking any coherent thought.
"I ... I ..." He tried, but he couldn't find enough air to force the words out, didn't know what to say anyway. What was there to say? Was there still a way for him to bluff his way out of this?
"Do you want your phone back?" Namjoon asked, shaking the phone a little in front of Seokjin's face.
Seokjin's hand was heavy as led when he lifted it to take the phone from Namjoon. His finger's seemed to be pushing against invisible barriers as he curled them around the cool metal.
As soon as the phone left Namjoon's grasp, he returned to his seat beside Yoongi. "There's this documentary I've been meaning to watch." He suggested, as if everyone could just ignore the elephant in the room.
No one complained as Namjoon turned it on, their wary gazes still trained on Seokjin's face. He couldn't take it much longer, he'd never felt so naked before in his life. Laid bare and scrutinized by friends so close they were practically family.
Abruptly, Seokjin stood up, Jungkook grunting as his head bounced down on the couch where Seokjin had just been sitting. He couldn't change the way they'd found out, but he didn't want to be reduced to such a weak state before them. He'd say his piece and leave on his own terms.
"That's right Jimin." He said, managing to keep his voice stable, despite the hammering in his chest. "I'm gay. This wasn't the way I wanted all of you to find out, but this is who I am, who I've always been." He clenched his trembling hands into tight fists, fighting the urge to lower his gaze. "I sincerely hope you won't have a problem with that, but if you do, that's on you. I won't let it affect the group, so I whope you won't either."
With those words he turned on his heel, tried not to stumble as he made his way back to his bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind him his knees gave out, and he fell to the floor, desperately trying to contain the wounded noises clawing their way out of his throat.
He wasn't exactly crying, more dry heaving, his entire body convulsing with the force of keeping his emotions in. He was trying to be quiet, he didn't want the other members to know how badly their reactions had affected him. But it was difficult with his blood rushing in his ears. He couldn't hear anything aside from his own pulse, had no clue if the sounds of his panic echoed through their dorm, or if it was enclosed in his and Yoongi's shared bedroom.
The normally soft carpet beneath him, scratched at his skin, and the heat that he usually found comforting seemed to set his blood boiling. The liquid he wouldn't allow to fall from his eyes instead seemed to squeeze out of his pores, covering his body in a thin layer of sweat.
He'd never felt like this before. Whatever hardships he'd gone through in the past, whatever insecurities he'd had regarding himself or his abilities, they all paled in comparison to this. He'd always tried keeping himself at arms length from any serious commitments. Had joked and laughed away any pain or discomfort. But after trudging through training and debut and the harrowing fight for success with those six other boys, he'd inevitably chosen to take that final step into his chosen career, placing both feet firmly on one side of the door, and closing it behind him. There was nowhere else for him to turn now, he had nothing to return to. Should this revelation spell the end for him and his journey together with BTS, where would he go?
They'd built their success on their genuine love for each other. They would never have made it this far without their strong friendship. And if Seokjin was the crack that allowed their mountain to crumble, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for it.
He barely noticed the door opening behind him, didn't have the strength to turn around and check who it was. He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights when he came in here however long ago that was, so the room was doused in darkness.
Wiry arms pulled him up into a sitting position and a cold bottle of water was pressed into his hands.
"You should drink a little." Yoongi's gravelly voice broke through the silence. "Try and calm down."
He crouched next to Seokjin whilst he brought the bottle to his panting mouth. His hand was trembling, and it was difficult to drink and hyperventilate at the same time. But drinking forced him to pause his breathing for a few seconds, did have the desired effect of calming his body, if not his mind.
"That's right." Yoongi said, hovering next to Seokjin's slouched form. "Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Deep breaths."
Seokjin followed Yoongi's instructions as best he could, the choking feeling gradually dissipating. He started to feel more like himself, and as he did so he became more aware of Yoongi's presence. From what he knew, Yoongi had been asleep at the time of Seokjin's secret being revealed. But the other members had no doubt filled him in.
"I don't know why I reacted like that." Seokjin said, trying his best to chuckle a little, laugh it off like he usually did. He screwed the lid on to the half empty bottle and handed it back to Yoongi. As he did, he studied Yoongi in the dim light of the room. His lips were set in a grim line, but there was no contempt in his eyes, as he watched Seokjin, only sadness.
"It was a panic attack." Yoongi shrugged his shoulders, looking away from Seokjin, intently studying the bedroom wall. "Happens."
"Not to me." Seokjin insisted. "It's never happened to me before."
Yoongi shrugged again. "Sometime gotta be the first, right?"
Seokjin didn't like the thought of that, of it potentially happening again. His body still felt like it was teetering on the edge of another one, only contained by sheer will. Seokjin licked his lips, also turning his gaze away from Yoongi. They were just two people having a conversation with the back of their heads facing each other.
"Are you disappointed?" Seokjin asked, even though the question sent his heart racing again. He hated the way his voice came out timid, weak. He was loud and boisterous, obnoxiously confident and always joking around. He didn't recognize this shy and insecure version of himself. But he couldn't stop it either.
"Of course not" Yoongi said after a suspenseful few seconds. He sighed. "But the others ... they'll come around eventually." He finally settled on, but he sounded unsure.
Seokjin nodded. There was nothing he could do but try and persevere.
"I think I'll head to bed." He had nothing else to say to Yoongi, and his head was pounding from the avalanche of emotions that had washed over him. "Perhaps when I wake up this will all have been a bad dream."
Yoongi's face twisted up in a pained expression, but he didn't reply. He only reached his hand out to pat Seokjin awkwardly on the shoulder. He wasn't much for initiating physical contact. He would begrudgingly accept the hugs and general clinginess the maknae-line bestowed upon him, but he rarely sought out affection on his own. Seokjin was similar in that regard, and although he wanted nothing more than to be held close and comforted right now, he didn't dare ask for it.
Instead he turned his back on Yoongi, and walked over to his side of the room, a gaping hole aching inside his chest. The last thing he did before slipping beneath the covers of his bed was to erase the damning picture from his phone.
Seokjin was the first one up the next morning. That wasn't unusual by any means, but it left Seokjin with a creeping sense of dread as he trudged around the kitchen, waiting for the others to wake up.
He'd slept poorly, tossing and turning all night. He'd spent the better part of the earlier hours in the morning debating whether to continue as normal or if he should try and avoid the other members. His grumbling stomach had made the decision for him.
But he still had anxiety bubbling beneath his skin, making him second guess every single decision. Before he'd started on breakfast he'd spent nearly fifteen minutes deciding between only cooking enough for himself, or if he should make breakfast for all the members as well.
The sound of footsteps in the hallway made his palms sweat, and he didn't dare turn around. But they continued on past the kitchen, and after some rummaging by the entrance, the door slammed shut. Whoever it was had left without breakfast.
It didn't necessarily mean anything. Sometimes members left without eating if they were in a hurry. But Seokjin couldn't help but feel that it was because of him.
But if one of them were up, it meant that the others would soon follow. Seokjin could feel his heartbeat pulsing throughout his body, thrumming in his fingertips as he stirred the pot of chicken porridge.
Jimin was the next one to step into the kitchen. Seokjin's heart sank as he watched Jimin freeze, his sleepy expression hardening as he saw Seokjin standing there.
"I made breakfast." Seokjin said, offering Jimin a bowl.
Jimin physically recoiled from Seokjin's outstretched arm, despite the distance between them.
"I'm not hungry." Jimin answered, voice clipped. Seokjin's heart clenched. Both because it was such a clear rejection. But also out of worry. Jimin oftened skipped meals, claiming that he wasn't hungry, but they all knew it stemmed from a deeper insecurity. He wanted to tell Jimin that he should eat something, even if it wasn't the porridge Seokjin had cooked. But he wasn't sure if he was allowed to worry any longer. His concern would likely be rejected as well.
Jimin turned towards the fridge and grabbed a glass of orange juice instead. As he moved, Seokjin noticed Taehyung standing slightly behind him, carefully looking between Seokjin and Jimin.
"Would you like some?" Seokjin asked Taehyung, hopeful as he held the bowl out to him.
Taehyung's head swivelled like a pendulum between Seokjin and Jimin, Jimin's sharp gaze fixed intently on him. Finally, Taehyung sighed, walking a step closer to Jimin, whose shoulders relaxed. He looked almost apologetic as he shook his head. "I think I'll skip breakfast today as well."
Seokjin turned his back on him, trying to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. Despite his panic, he'd avoided crying yesterday. He wouldn't cry today.
"I'll just grab some and place the rest in the fridge then." Seokjin said, trying to keep the tremble out of his voice.
He turned the stove off, grabbing a portion for himself. His movements were slow, careful. He could still hear Taehyung and Jimin walking around behind him, the low murmur of their voices as they whispered to each other.
He was wholly unprepared for the arms that came snaking around his waist. It had him tensing up, an involuntary yelp escaping his lips.
"Mm ... What's for breakfast?" Jungkook asked, pressing his forehead against Seokjin's shoulder. Seokjin hadn't even heard him coming in. He felt himself relaxing in Jungkook's arms, his body finally receiving the comfort he'd been craving since the night before.
"Jungkook!" Jimin shouted, causing Jungkook to pull away slightly from Seokjin as he turned to look at him. Seokjin had to fight the urge to lean back, to hold Jungkook still. But he didn't go far, his chest still pressed into Seokjin's back.
"What?" Jungkook asked, voice slurring a little from sleepiness.
"Come here." Jimin demanded, waving Jungkook over.
Jungkook groaned, and Seokjin could practically feel him rolling his eyes as he leaned more heavily onto Seokjin. "Wanna eat first." He said, peering over Seokjin's shoulder to look at the stove. "Ooh, s'it porridge?" He asked, shifting his weight so that he ended up on Seokjin's side, eyes hungrily roving over the food.
"Chicken porridge." Seokjin affirmed, hesitantly reaching out to fill a second bowl. Jungkook accepted it gratefully, smiling widely at Seokjin as he held the steaming bowl gingerly in two hands.
"Thanks hyung." He said, scuttling over to sit by the table.
Seokjin's heart fluttered nervously inside his chest. He didn't understand what Jungkook was doing. Not that his actions were weird per se. This was how he normally acted around Seokjin. But that was just it, this was how he normally acted! Seokjin couldn't wrap his head around it. He behaved like yesterday hadn't happened. Even Jimin and Taehyung were gazing at Jungkook with disbelief.
Seokjin grabbed his own bowl, watched Jungkook's reaction as he stepped closer to the table, sitting down opposite the maknae. Jungkook paid him no mind, humming a little as he inhaled his food, breathing through his mouth when the hot rice burned his tongue.
Seokjin had barely swallowed his first bite of food when Jungkook licked up the last of his, leaning back with a pleased smile curling his lips. "You're a god hyung. That was delicious." Jungkook praised, patting his stomach.
"There's more if you want." Seokjin offered, hesitantly giving Jungkook a smile of his own. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Jungkook to realize who he was talking to. But he only got up from his seat to fill his bowl again.
"Don't mind if I do." He said as he scooped up the porridge.
Another door opened down the hallway, and Namjoon came trudging into the kitchen, going straight to the coffee machine and filling a large cup. It was only after he'd swallowed his first gulp that he looked up at the rest of them, eyeing the clear divide between Seokjin and Jungkook, and Jimin and Taehyung. The younger two were still hovering by the counter, empty glasses standing beside them as they seemed to be in a silent conversation about what to do. Only Jungkook remained unaware of the tense atmosphere, happily slurping down his food.
Namjoon sighed, but seemed to take the silence stretching around them as a win, and didn't bother to confront any of them about their unusual behavior.
"Hoseok, Yoongi and I will be working on a song after practice, so you'll have to get dinner on your own." Was all he said before leaving, coffee cup still in hand.
As soon as Namjoon had retreated from the room, Jimin walked up to Jungkook and grabbed him around the wrist. "You've finished eating now right." It wasn't phrased like a question, more a statement, as he pulled Jungkook from his seat. He was studiously avoiding Seokjin's gaze, acting like he wasn't there at all.
Jungkook grumbled a bit at the treatment, but followed after Jimin. "Thank you for breakfast hyung." He said in passing, turning to wave at Seokjin as Jimin marched them along. Taehyung scampered after them, the three entering Hoseok and Jimin's room together.
Seokjin's shoulders slumped as exhaustion and weariness pulled at his body. He would've preferred it if they yelled at him. If they became angry or upset. How they were treating him now, ignoring and avoiding him, made him feel dirty and wrong.
Jungkook's behavior had been a bit of relief, a sense of normalcy in the apocalypse. But Jimin and Taehyung had dragged him away, and there was no doubt in Seokjin's mind what they were going to be talking to him about. He could kiss that tiny comfort goodbye.
The sound of the porcelain clinking together as he gathered the bowls in hand, grated on his ears. It seemed almost to cut through the silence, the quietness eerie in the otherwise boisterous apartment.
He liked sinking his hands into the hot water however. It burned pleasantly on his skin. He would take a shower after this, he decided. Escape the world a little bit. He still had a long day ahead of him. They were mid-way through producing their new album. Some songs were already finished, and each day carried with it rigorous training. His muscles were still aching from the day before, but he should enjoy this while he could. Who knew how long he'd be allowed to stay in the group after this. His existence alone would be a scandal, should the paparazzi catch wind of it.
The ride to the company building was awkward. Yoongi was sleeping in the back seat, and the maknae-line were uncharacteristically quiet. Seokjin had gotten the passenger seat, which he would've normally appreciated, but now it only felt like a further division between him and the other members. Hoseok and Namjoon were already there, having gone ahead.
Dance practice was rigorous, but passed with minimal amount of interruptions. No one was in the mood to play around, and if their instructor noticed, he didn't say anything.
It was only when they had a little break, that Jungkook slumped down next to him, leaning into his side to whine straight into his ear. "Hyung." He said, a pout adorning his lips. "I'm bored." He poked Seokjin in the side, trying to get a reaction.
Despite how much Seokjin wanted to play around with Jungkook like nothing was wrong, he couldn't help the way his eyes flitted over to the other members. They were all looking at them, frozen in place like they were characters in a movie and someone had pressed pause. Jungkook didn't seem to notice.
"Not now." Seokjin answered, forcing the words out of his throat. "Hyung's not in the mood." Which wasn't exactly a lie, but not the truth either. He desperately wanted to pretend yesterday hadn't happened. But it had, and he felt the other member's ire as Jungkook clung to him. Like he'd infect Jungkook somehow, taint him. Turn him from the golden maknae into whatever depravity he himself was.
Jungkook's pout grew at his words, and he pressed harder into Seokjin's side until he fell sideways, gently tackled to the ground. "What's wrong?" Jungkook asked, tilting his head as he looked down at Seokjin.
And doubt grew in Seokjin's mind. Jungkook was young. He could be a little shit sometimes, but he was generally kind and sweet. But he wasn't naive. He wasn't so dumb that he couldn't understand the connection between Seokjin's secret being revealed yesterday, and the foul mood permeating the air around them today.
Unless ...
Seokjin thought back to the day before, how Jungkook had been lying across their laps. He'd been playing with Jungkook's hair when Jimin went through his phone. But had Jungkook reacted at all?
He hadn't. It was with a dawning sense of dread that Seokjin realized Jungkook must've been asleep when it all went down. He was acting normal, because to him everything was normal.
He couldn't believe that the other members wouldn't tell him though. Jimin and Taehyung had been desperate to get him away from Seokjin this morning. But then again, in their minds they might be trying to protect him from the truth.
He looked at the other members, still watching them from the other side of the room, and then back to Jungkook, whose face was furrowed in concern. He would have to tell him as well, but he wasn't sure he wanted to.
"Nothing's wrong." He said smiling up at Jungkook, before sneakily reaching down to tickle Jungkook's side. Jungkook collapsed on top of him, wheezing as he pulled away to escape Seokjin's incessant fingers.
He would have to tell him. But it could wait, just a little bit. He wanted to have this last shred of normalcy for just a little while longer.
He made a conscious effort to turn away from the other members, ignore their judging gazes as he playfully wrestled with Jungkook on the floor. Any other day, no one would raise an eyebrow at these antics.
Seokjin tired quicker than Jungkook did, and eventually Jungkook walked off to pester another unwilling victim. But Seokjin's burden had eased just a little. Despite the confliced emotions within him, he still smiled as Jungkook picked Jimin up from around the waist and swung him around. These were the boys he'd pledged his life to. These were his friends, his brothers. He just hoped the others would continue viewing him that way as well.
The day continued in a similar fashion. With the other members subtly avoiding Seokjin, and with Jungkook trying to bridge that gap between them. He'd definitely noticed that something was up, and he deftly tried to include Seokjin in everything they did, despite the other's annoyed glances.
Seokjin was bone tired when they got back to the dorm. But Jungkook's efforts had kept his spirits up, despite the ache still growing inside his chest. It seemed they'd all resorted to simply ignoring what had happened. None mentioning it, none willing to have that confrontation.
The rap-line were still at the company building. They wouldn't be home until late, so he and the youngest three of the group were alone. Normally, that would grant him at least some amount of authority, but they studiously pretended he wasn't even there. All except Jungkook, who was still blissfully ignorant of Seokjin's situation.
"Hyung." Jungkook called out to him. Seokjin had eaten quickly, had wanted to get away as soon as possible. Jungkook stopped him in his tracks. "Can I sleep with you tonight?".
A pair of chopsticks clattered noisily to the floor, and when Seokjin looked back, Jimin looked practically murderous as he glared at Jungkook. Taehyung looked mostly constipated, lips squeezed tightly shut as he bent down to pick up the fallen utensils.
"I don't think that's such a good idea." Jimin said through gritted teeth to Jungkook.
"Why not?" Jungkook asked, confused at Jimin's odd behavior. "I sleep with hyung all the time."
"Why don't you sleep in my bed instead." Taehyung suggested, trying to placate both Jimin and Jungkook.
"I can do that tomorrow. I wanted to spend some time with Seokjin-hyung today." And then in a lower voice, but still loud enough to carry over to where Seokjin was standing, "He's been down all day."
"It's okay, Jungkook-ah." Seokjin hurried to say when Jimin's icy glare found him instead. "You can sleep with Taehyung, I don't mind. Hyung's fine."
Seokjin turned before he could hear Jungkook's response, and retreated to his bedroom. He listened by the door a little while, as they clattered around the kitchen. He could hear them talking, but they kept their voices low, so he couldn't make out what they were saying. A part of him longed to be there, even if his presence wasn't welcomed. Here he was all alone.
He got ready for bed slowly. Although he was tired, he was far from sleepy. His mind was swirling with thoughts and anxities. He feared he was in for another sleepless night.
About an hour after he'd turned off the lights he still wasn't asleep, so he could clearly hear as the bedroom door opened and someone tiptoed inside. At first he thought it was Yoongi, finally returned home from work. But the feet didn't stop on Yoongi's side of the room, instead they crept closer until the bed dipped beneath the additional weight of a second person.
Seokjin turned around and caught sight of Jungkook's bunny grin before he dove beneath the covers. "Goodnight hyung." Jungkook whispered, pressing his cold toes to Seokjin's shins.
"Goodnight Kook-ah." Seokjin responded. He still felt a little guilty about not telling Jungkook the truth. Would he still be here if he knew? Would he be comfortable around him after?
Seokjin didn't think so. Couldn't believe it. Not with how the others had reacted. He should tell him.
But this was the most comfortable and at ease he'd been since the night before. He'd tell him tomorrow, he decided. He just wanted this for a little bit, only a short while.
Jungkook's steady breaths lulled him easily into a dreamless sleep.