Archive of Our Own

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Being roused from your deep sleep was not a welcoming comfort. Wind howled through the ship and chills ran under your thin bed sheet making you shudder and open your eyes.

You hear a hiss and sure enough you heard the retreating footsteps of someone walking down the steps of the ship. Sitting up, you check all bunks and sure enough it was Crosshair who had swiftly departed.

It had been days since his confession and days since you last spoke so in a rush, you pull on something more appropriate than your nightshirt and shorts and make a quick dash after him.

You pause at the door to the Havoc, contemplating if you should go after him and you silently curse how long his legs were because he was further than you had imagined. Yet, he was still in sight.

“Screw it.” You grunt as you bound down the ramp and do a light jog after him. You think about maybe sneaking up but as he came to the tree line he stopped and so did you, rather abruptly.

He glances over his shoulder, watching you practically skid to a halt. Your breath hitches as he gaze penetrates you, tingles roaming down your spine as they usually do. Awkwardly, you give a timid wave at him. “Mind if I join you?”

Given the fact he rolled his eyes and carried on walking, you saw it as a ‘suit yourself’ kind of response.

When you finally caught up to him, you followed behind him down a narrow path and took in the area around you. The moon was bright tonight, as it has been every other night since you arrived. The wind was a little strong, creating an almost musical sound as it bristled through the foliage.

You’re so caught up in everything around that you didn’t see a mean looking bush with sharp bristles ahead of you, clumsily bumping into it.

With a sharp hiss you stop and this caught the attention of Crosshair who turns to you and sees your predicament.

“You alright?” He asks carefully, stepping towards you and even crouching as you try to free your leg from the entanglement of teeth like thorns.

Truthfully, it was hurting but you quickly nod your head but in your flushed and embarrassed try of getting your leg free, you prick your finger.

With a wince, you bring your finger to your face and inspect the small droplet of blood. “Kriff, that hurt.”

Crosshair is silent in your fight against the bush but alas pulls out a blade and quickly slices the foliage away from your leg and sets you free. He takes a hold of your leg, quite firmly yet also with a hint of tenderness and brings your leg over until it’s clear.

He stands and looks down at you, brooding but you were unsure if it was his natural face or if the shadows of the night gave him that cold look.

“Watch where you’re stepping.” He rumbles, about to turn around and carry on walking until he halts says, “Suck on it.”

“W-what?” Your eyes widen, clearly not paying attention to the fact he was gesturing to-

“Your finger.”

You're mortified that you would think he could have meant anything else and you bashfully look away but little did you know that his neck up to his ears began to burn.

When you began walking again, you ended up walking beside him. You’re panting, hating how big his strides were but you’re a little surprised to see him slow down, even if it’s only slight.

“It’s nice to get away from the others. You finally break the tense atmosphere between the two of you but Crosshair didn’t reply like you had hoped. His head was straight forward at the path ahead and as you look at him, you can tell his thoughts were elsewhere.

“Crosshair?” You nudge him only softly with your arm when he replies in an instant.

“It’s nice to walk… not talk.”

Well, that did wonders to your confidence. You’re used to Crosshair being occasionally short with people, although not as much as with you. Perhaps this was a bad idea. Perhaps he wanted to be on his own after all and you’re just burdening him by being clumsy and annoying. “I’ll uh, I will just go back to the ship.”

You’re turning around to walk back to where you came from when a hand clasps around your upper arm to stop you from moving a single inch. Looking at the hand and then up the arm, Crosshair's gaze is strong as ever. Drawing you in, intoxicating you.

“Stay.”

“But you just said-.”

“I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t like walking beside you or listening to you.”

Oh. Oh.

You smile at his words and turn your body full back to him and for a moment you swore you saw him smile. A beautiful rarity. Or, it was the leaves of the canopy’s above you tricking you with the wind to cast shadows of things that may not be there. You’d like to think it was there; just for you.

When the stream came in view after ten more minutes of walking, you were blown away. No wonder he came here at night. The moonlight rippled against the calm and shallow waters. It was in an opening, wide and had a few trees dotted around.

But, there were no sounds. No critters chirping, no winds howling and no water trickling. It was pure silence.

“Crosshair… this place….”

“I know.”

He couldn’t find the words to describe this place either when he first scouted it out. But, it made him calm. All the troubles of war and what’s to come seemed to have vanished and he kind of felt warm that he now had someone to share it with. If you’d walk with him again that is.

He sits down along the grassy embankment, blessed that the skies have been sunny rather than drizzling with rain like on Kamino so he didn’t get wet. You stood back for a moment, unsure whether or not to sit by his side but then he looked at you, raising a brow. “You gonna sit or gawp at me?”

“You gonna sit or gawp at me?” You mimic in a comedic tone, smirking at him before you take a spot to his right and bring your knees up to his chest. “It is lovely here.”

His legs were laid out flat, leaning back a little on his arms to keep himself raised as he gazed out to the stream in front of you both. “Sure.” He confirms with a nod.

You find yourself laying back on the grass, gazing up at the stars and every now and again you will glance over to Crosshair who stayed where he was and every now and again, frowned. But then, he would smile as if reliving an old memory. It was somewhat surreal to see him at one with nature. No snippy remarks, not even chewing on a toothpick.

Feeling like you wouldn’t have the opportunity again, you had to ask, “Crosshair, can I ask you something?”

“You just did.” He quipped smoothly, not taking a moment to look at you.

Laughing, you nudge his side with your knee. “Okay a different one then?”

“You just did.” He repeats and when he hears you let out an aggravated sigh, he smirks to himself. “Go on then.”

Your hand rests on the ground, fingers grazing through the blades of grass until you pick at it almost anxiously. “Why haven’t you had your first kiss?”

You regretted asking literally a second after. His shoulders tensed and he was white knuckling the ground but then, he sighs.

You want to tell him that he didn’t have to answer you because after all, it was none of your business. In fact, you wouldn’t blame him if he were to get up and walk away but he didn’t. Instead, he glances down at you. “Not had the chance.”

Surprise was evident on your face, your mouth making a small ‘o’ shape. You wouldn’t tell him but there was a small pang in your chest as if each of your heart strings were slowly snapping one by one. “But, you said you knew who you were gonna kiss so I imagine it’s someone you’ve met.”

Crosshair watches you, eyes narrowing. “I suppose I did meet her a while back.”

Boom. There it was. The realisation that Crosshair had met someone and longed for them. Maybe he still kept in touch with her?

In for a credit in for a million of them. “What’s her name?”

He had looked away at this point, eyes trained on the stream ahead. Crosshair can feel your eyes burning into his back, a strange knotting feeling rapturing his stomach.

As he decides whether or not to tell you, you think of all the times you had to tell him how you felt. How you find him funny and gentle when he wants to be, how you found him as a protector and shield. You sincerely wanted to tell him how beautiful you thought he was whether to see him agree with you or tell you to shut up.

Then he said your name.

You look back up to meet his gaze, confused for a mere second. “Sorry, what?”

He sucks on his inner cheek, realising he had roused you from a set of deep thoughts. “Her name.”

“… But you said my name?”

His heart is hammering against his chest, hoping you would shut up and get the hint. The longer he stares at you, the quicker the credit has dropped.

Your face is burning and you’re sure if it’s because an intense blush was crawling up your neck or because his gaze is more penetrating than ever before. Your stomachs doing flips and you found your hands on the grass began to shake. “Y-your first kiss is going to be… me?”

“Probably.” He keeps his voice quiet and of course a little too casual. “I’ve always thought about kissing you.”

You can’t believe what you’re hearing and find yourself idly pinching yourself to see if it was a dream. Nope, not a dream. “I’m confused.”

He blinks, probably for the first time in a while. “Clearly.”

You’re trying to think of a response but your thoughts are all tangled in a cobweb and nothing is coming out. As you’re thinking, you’re chewing on your lower lip and as he scans your face until his hues land on your lips, he suppressed a noise that he didn’t think was possible for him to make. Eventually, you say something.

“Why me? W-why have you never told me before?” Your voice is quiet, scared to break Crosshair out of his surprising secrets and true feelings. You wish it were true and that he wasn’t just teasing you.

“I… I think you’re a good match for me. Stubborn.”

“I’m not stubborn.” You mumbled.

“Sorry, obstinate is what I meant.” He rolled his eyes and you grew a little warm in embarrassment and decided it best to just let him talk. “I didn’t tell you because I can’t imagine hurting you.”

A confused expression crosses your features and ever so gently, you sit up slowly and wrap your arms around your knees. “How could you hurt me for wanting to kiss me?”

He looks away once you get too near, finding something to take his mind off the sensation that always ran over his body whenever you came too close. The urge to just wrap his arms around you had become unbearable for months and now that he was revealing his secret longing for you, he didn’t want to scare you away. He’s half tempted to get up and walk away from the conversation but when he finally looked back to you, you looked at him with those eyes.

Eyes he had fallen for. Eyes he had wished to see whenever he woke. Eyes he had the pleasure of seeing laugh, cry, show surprise and mischief.

His lungs are heavy with shallow breaths. He’s trying to hold himself together. “Because there’s more I want to do to you. For you. With you. But I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Our lives, this war.”

You let out a heavy, constrained breath you didn’t know you were holding. Fingers trembling. It was everything you want to hear yet he thought it was a bad idea. You sensed he felt pained to even admit it.

Shyly, you move your hand down until it hovers barely over his until your fingertips slowly traces over the back of his hand.

He had flinched at the touch but as he looked down to see what you were doing, he slowly relaxed and then looked back at you with curious eyes.

“What if I told you that I wanted this? That I want to kiss you just as much.”

He bites down on his tongue for a moment, feeling his world collide but thought it was too good to be true. “Sweetheart, I…” he doesn’t know what to say but he could notice the way your voice was almost hushed and you were sitting closer to him than before.

You could feel his warm breath against your skin, eyelids drooping as he looked to your inviting lips. It was just you two, nothing could disturb you both now in the dead of night and under the moonlight.

And he leans in, breathing but also not breathing. And his lips finally, after so long, touch yours. They’re careful against yours and you’re certain that you could not feel any limb on your body. His lips are soft, surprisingly. Smooth like the edge of his blade but knowing they could draw blood if given the chance.

He’s the first to pull back, gauging your reaction. Crosshair is panicking a little as your eyes remain closed, dreading the awkward realisation that maybe his first kiss was dreadful. But, it wasn’t.

“Kiss me again.” Your voice is a hoarse whisper and he obeys your shy command with every fibre in his being. He turns his body better to face you and kisses you as a hand comes up to the back of your head, enthralling his long fingers in your hair.

You don’t know how long you kissed for but you were now laying back down on the embankment, Crosshair half-way leaning over your body as his lips moved expertly against your own.

It was perfect. He never imagined his first kiss with you to be this sweet, so tender, but it was. He feared that he would get ahead of himself, overstepping his boundaries once his tongue wanted to find refuge in your mouth and his hands biting gently into your hips. However as you groaned against him and let your lips part, he dominated your mouth in a needy, desperate state of affairs.

“Mesh’la, I…” he wanted to say it, those three words that had been harbouring inside him but he cursed himself as they couldn’t quite fall from his lips. Not just yet.

“It’s okay Crosshair,” you whispered against his lips, a smile forming so elegantly, “me too.”