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WHO IS DEREK SMALLS?
He’s the bassist for the rock band Spinal Tap. Yes, that Spinal Tap. The one with the dueling lead guitarists that everyone posts homoerotic gifsets of. He’s not one of those guys, but he’s been with the band since basically their very first incarnation. That means he’s like 75 years old now, no that doesn’t mean he isn’t hot, like come on. He’s the one with the mutton chops. He was born in Shrewsbury, England in 1949. His favorite food is chips. He’s the band’s lukewarm water, which sounds like quite the negative description on its own, but think about it. His bandmates Nigel and David are like fire and ice, but FIRE and ICE can KILL YOU. Has lukewarm water ever hurt anyone? Absolutely not. Perfect temperature for water. He is my precious blorbo, please read on to find out why you should stan this grandpa.
HOW DID HE JOIN SPINAL TAP?
If you watch the famous docu/rockumentary This is Spinal Tap, you may not know when or where Derek came into the picture, but it’s actually a great story. (Check out Roger Clearwater’s book, This is the Real Spinal Tap for the full source). You see, Nigel and David were making out aggressively and/or beating each other up in an alleyway (Derek has always been really cagey about what was happening, it may have been both actually) and Derek tried to break it up, so they both punched him at the same time. When he came to, David and Nigel were very apologetic and offered to buy him a pint at the local. The three of them got to talking, and when Derek told them he was a music student, they told him they were interested in forming a band and if he wanted to join. At the time, Derek was a trumpet player and a student at a music conservatory, but apparently he got so drunk with the lads that he agreed to learn to play the bass “since it’s the trumpet of string instruments anyways.” He dropped out of school the next week and the rest is history.
OKAY, BUT WHAT IS HIS DEAL ANYWAY? WHY IS HE INTERESTING?
First, go look up and read his blog, and then come back here and continue reading. 1) He is incredibly based for not being on any other social media besides a custom domain blog where he mostly just posts dick jokes and pictures of his dogs. 2) If you listen to his solo tracks (released almost exclusively as crappy mp3 downloadable on his blog) he is a really talented and experimental musician. Like, you can’t not go to www.dereksmalls.co.uk and hear his toy trumpet and makeshift percussion instrumental “Footsteps on a Wintery Night” and not be surprised. How is it the same guy who also cowrote “Heavy Duty”? I don’t know. The Derek contains multitudes. 3) He also really likes video games and has a framed picture of Steve from Minecraft in his bathroom because “He just gets me.” I rest my case.
I’M CONVINCED. HOW DO I GET INTO DEREK NATION?
Welcome, my friend. There are many ways to join our glorious and proud army. First and foremost, you can spam “e Derek” on every picture of Nigel and David together you see on Twitter. Actually, go ahead and start photoshopping Derek into any picture of a band. Linked here is a catalogue of all the tracks released on Derek’s blog, since there’s no consistent archive feature for them. I really recommend “Palindromeda” and “I Hate the Rutles.” Really good stuff! Spinal Tap is on a greatest hits tour right now, and you should definitely consider taking your dad (or finding a new dad to bring to it). Honestly, your dad might know more about Derek Smalls than me, and that's saying something.
xoxo the-anonymous-number-1-derekhead