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“I don't need to go to the hospital, Carlos,” TK said weakly from the bathroom floor. “It's just some stomach bug. I'm fine.”
This had been going on for hours now since Carlos came home to find his husband hugging the toilet and letting the contents of his stomach out. TK rarely got sick. In fact, the last time Carlos could remember TK getting sick was shortly after the ice storm. He developed a nasty cold and bronchitis that took a while to clear up. Lingering effects is what the doctor said.
Carlos had made him some soup, and ginger tea. He had to practically force TK to stay in bed. His husband was so damn stubborn. It was probably the reason he'd made it this far in life with so many near death experiences, and one temporary actual death back in New York that Carlos refused to acknowledge.
But the last four hours, TK hadn't left the floor of the bathroom. Carlos had insisted that he at least have a blanket with him. He couldn't keep anything down. Anything he swallowed ended back up in the toilet.
“TK, you haven't been able to keep anything down. You need fluids at the very least. You're a paramedic. You know that.”
TK groaned. “And that's exactly why I don't need to go to the hospital. I can get fluids here.” TK smiled at him weakly.
Carlos sighed and knelt down next to him. He put his hand to TK's forehead and frowned. “You're burning up.”
“‘m fine. Just give me my phone.”
Carlos sighed and stood up to get TK's phone. He watched as TK slowly texted someone. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. A few minutes later he got a text back. TK turned the phone to show Carlos.
“Nancy's gonna bring some stuff for an IV and fluid. Plus some zofran.”
Carlos frowned. “Are y'all allowed to just take stuff from work?”
TK shrugged. “We do sometimes.”
He was interrupted by retching into the toilet. Carlos wrinkled his face but rubbed TK's back soothingly.
Carlos sighed. “TK I really think you need to go to the hospital.”
“I'll be fine. I hate hospitals so much. I feel like I'm there way too often as it is. This is nothing. Just a bug.”
Carlos frowned. It was true. TK was in the hospital a lot, but that was different. It was injuries. Near death experiences. He never complained. He knew he needed to be there. It didn't make sense why TK would suddenly be so against going to the hospital when he clearly needed it.
He looked awful. He was pale. His eyes were red rimmed and hazy. He could barely keep his eyes open. Carlos watched his husband hug the blanket around him and lean against the wall with his eyes closed. He sat down on the floor against his sensibilities. He kept a clean house, but sitting on the bathroom floor next to the toilet was a bit much. He pulled TK into his arms and kissed his temple. His husband melted into him. Carlos could feel the fever burning in the man.
“Babe, you have a fever.”
TK nodded. “It's okay. It's good to have a fever. It's how your body fights an infection.”
Carlos sighed, and rested his chin in TK's head.
“I'm going to get you sick.”
“I don't care. I'm going to take care of you even if it kills me.”
TK let out a weak laugh. He opened his eyes, and looked up at Carlos. The redness brought the green in his eyes out. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
They sat in comfortable silence, Carlos never letting go of TK unless he was puking again. TK had seemed to drift off when there was a knock on the door. Nancy probably. Carlos tapped TK’s shoulder gently. TK pulled away from him with a groan.
“I’m going to go let Nancy in, okay?”
TK nodded.
Carlos opened the door and Nancy smiled at him holding up a bag. “Where’s the patient?”
“In the bathroom. He’s been glued to the toilet for like four hours. He can’t keep anything down, and he refuses to let me take him to the hospital.”
Nancy chuckled, and shook her head. She followed Carlos into the bathroom. “Sounds about right. He’s lucky that he’s got the best partner ever to come to his rescue, huh?”
“Damn, TK, you look like shit.”
“Thanks, Nance.” TK managed a smirk.
“What’s going on, bud?” Nancy asked, kneeling down next to him.
“Just a stomach bug. I’ll be fine. I just need to get some fluids in because I can’t keep anything down.”
“He has a fever,” Carlos chimed in.
Nancy nodded, and did a quick assessment. Carlos watched nervously.
“He should go to the hospital, right?” Carlos asked.
Nancy sighed and turned towards him. “Honestly, he’s fine. Just needs fluids and some zofran. That’s all they’d do in the hospital, and I have all of that with me. I’ll stay here if it makes you feel better. And I promise if this doesn’t work, we’ll double team him and drag his ass to the hospital.”
Carlos nodded reluctantly.
Nancy got set up for an IV, and looked for a vein. “Dude, you’re so dehydrated. You really should have asked sooner.”
“I’m fine,” TK insisted.
“Uh huh.”
TK instructed Nancy where the best places were on him. She tried several times to no avail. “This isn’t working. I don’t want to make you a pin cushion.”
“Hospital?” Carlos asked.
“Let me do it,” TK said, sitting up.
“TK, you’re really sick. You can barely sit up. Maybe we should just go to the hospital.”
“I’ve done it in worse condition.” TK muttered.
Carlos’ stomach twisted. He knew about TK’s past. He knew oxy and heroin were his drugs of choice, but he didn’t like to think about it. He really didn’t want to see TK do this, but he wasn’t going to leave.
“Are you sure you can’t do it, Nancy?” Carlos asked.
“I’ve tried six times. Even with the 24 gauge we use on infants. I don’t want to keep trying. It’s not right.”
She shrugged. Nancy handed the supplies over to TK. He had Nancy help him with the tourniquet. He prepped his skin with alcohol, and picked up the catheter. He looked so concentrated, so careful. Suddenly all the weakness, even the shivering from the fever seemed to leave his body as he slipped the needle into his wrist. It seemed so easy. Nancy dressed the IV, and pulled out the bag of fluid and a medication Carlos assumed to be the zofran.
“That’s impressive. That vein was tiny.”
TK shrugged, avoiding her eyes. “I don’t think impressive is the right word for it. Besides, you blew the good ones.”
Nancy rolled her eyes. “I see you feel good enough to talk shit.” She looked at Carlos while TK laughed softly. “Definitely doesn’t need a hospital.”
Carlos felt nauseous himself. Seeing TK putting that needle into his skin with such practiced expertise was unsettling. He wasn’t getting an IV on someone else. He did it to himself. TK had done that same thing for years when he was younger, injecting poison into his bloodstream for a pleasure that Carlos had only heard described. TK told him he’d never ever experience it, and that he never should.
TK talked about his heroin use as openly as his abusing pills. It had all been something in theory. Something that had happened, but nothing concrete. Carlos didn’t know why this was such a visceral feeling. He’d seen TK take pills before even if the man whined about having to take anything. It never bothered him. Maybe it was because it was easier to handle because people take medication all the time. Whatever it was he felt guilty for even thinking about it.
He excused himself while Nancy was giving the bag of fluid to his husband. They were joking back and forth. TK would be fine with Nancy while he got some fresh air.
Carlos slipped his shoes on, and walked into the warm October air. He wandered around the block trying to clear his head. The image of TK putting in the IV turned into visions of TK shooting up in alleys and trap houses. It wasn’t the same, but Carlos couldn’t shake the thought. It broke his heart that TK had ever been in that position. He hated that life had beat up TK’s heart for so long that he felt the need to do that.
Carlos renewed his vow to take care of TK’s heart for the rest of their lives. He was good at spoiling TK and making him feel irrevokably loved. Carlos had made the promise a million times in the last five years to nurture and care for TK’s bruised and beaten heart. He loved that in the time they’d known each other, he’d watched TK go from broken and stormweathered, to happy and thriving with a renewed sense of purpose and life. TK was okay, more than okay. Carlos loved him so much and was so happy that TK was happy. He had to focus on that.
He wasn’t sure how long it was before he knew he needed to go back. Nancy was with TK. Carlos knew he was in good hands, but still, TK needed him.
He found TK looking slightly better now that Nancy had put a liter of fluid into him, and given the nausea medication. A bit of color was in his cheeks. Nancy was sitting on the opposite side of the couch laughing at something TK had said.
“Hey baby,” TK greeted.
“I see you finally divorced the toilet.” Carlos kissed the top of TK’s head.
“An annulment actually.” TK smirked.
Carlos couldn’t help laughing at that. The jokes were still going almost a year into their marriage. TK leaned his head back on the couch and smiled at him. His eyes were still so hazy. Carlos ran his fingers through his husband’s hair gently. He still felt so warm.
“You still have a fever,” Carlos said with a frown.
“It’s not high, and I told you a fever is good unless it’s too high.”
Carlos glanced at Nancy who nodded. Carlos sighed. “I stand corrected I guess. Are you feeling any better?”
TK nodded. “I don’t feel as weak since I got some fluids in me, and the zofran has definitely helped with the nausea. I haven’t puked once since I got it.”
“Good. Let’s get you to bed though. You need to sleep. You haven’t been able to.”
Carlos waited for TK to protest, but instead his husband nodded. He felt so relieved he wasn’t going to have to drag the man into their room. Nancy wouldn’t let TK live that down, but he was fully prepared to do what he had to do.
“I’ll leave you to it. I brought some extra fluid and zofran if you need it, TK. Call if you need anything else. And you better keep that IV in because I didn’t bring enough catheters for you to do it again.” Nancy stood up, getting ready to leave.
“Thanks for everything, Nance. If you hadn’t saved the day Carlos would have dragged me to the hospital,” TK said, still weak despite feeling slightly better.
“Um, actually, Nancy, would you be able to stick around for a bit?” Carlos asked. “I’m just worried is all.”
“Yeah, sure.” Nancy sat back down and unlocked her phone. “I had plans with Mateo earlier, but when he found out I was going to be over here with TK’s stomach bug he canceled.”
“Baby,” TK teased with a laugh.
Carlos helped TK into their room. Once the door was closed, TK fell against him. Carlos wrapped his arms tightly around him, and kissed his temple. He knew TK was still weak, and was just masking from Nancy. TK hated letting people worry about him which was ironic since he was a walking shit magnet. But he let his guard down around Carlos.
“I feel like absolute shit, babe,” TK mumbled.
“I know. Let’s get you in bed. I’ll hold you until you fall asleep, then I’ll go keep Nancy company.”
TK hummed in agreement. Carlos helped him into bed, and when he was happy with TK being sufficiently tucked in, he got in and let TK snuggle against him. Carlos held him, humming to him gently a song his mom used to sing to him and his sisters when they were sick. It had always been comforting. It didn’t take long for TK to drift to sleep. Carlos didn’t want to move. He just wanted to hold TK until he got better. He kicked himself for asking Nancy to stay, but he needed her to stay.
Carlos dozed a little himself listening to TK’s gentle breathing. He woke up feeling guilty for leaving Nancy alone. He slid out from under TK, careful not to wake him. TK moved slightly to find a comfortable spot but otherwise stayed asleep. Carlos kissed TK’s head before checking his hair, and making his way out to the living room.
“I’m so sorry, Nancy. I was just going to lay with him until he fell asleep and ended up dozing off.”
“It’s cool. It’s disgusting how sweet you two are with each other.”
“Right.” Carlos smiled. “Can I get you something to drink? Water? Tea? Coffee?”
“Coffee would be great.”
Carlos tried his hardest to be quiet while he prepared the coffee for Nancy and himself. He handed Nancy the steaming mug of coffee, and sat down next to her.
“You’re quiet,” Nancy observed. “TK’s going to be okay. Just a stomach flu. Maybe even a twenty-four hour thing.”
Carlos nodded, sipping his own coffee. After he’d drunk half his mug, he broke the silence. “Does it not bother you?”
“What? TK being sick? No. I will take him being sick and needing some fluids and electrolytes to those near death ICU trips he seems to enjoy.”
“No…I mean…”
Carlos didn’t know how to articulate it. He didn’t want to seem judgemental or like he didn’t trust TK. He did. And he’d never judge TK for being an addict. Life hadn’t exactly been kind to the man, and everyone copes in different ways. TK’s just happened to be self medicating. The disease just went from there. He had all the compassion in the world about that, from the minute TK told him in the police station.
“What?” Nancy asked gently.
“Seeing him do that to himself.”
It took Nancy a minute to process what he meant. She set her mug down and turned to face him completely.
“Not really. I honestly didn’t even think about it. TK’s just one of the best paramedics doing IVs I’ve ever seen. I think I can count on my hands the number of times he’s not been able to get it. All those times the patient was bleeding out and their veins were collapsing. I’ve never thought about why.
“And now that you mention it, I can see where you’re coming from. The TK we know and love now isn’t using. He’s sober and it means a lot to him. And while there is always a chance for relapse, I don’t think it’s something we have to worry about too much. I won’t say at all because the chances are never zero, but from what I know about the guy, the chances are less than five. He’s told me things when we’re working together.
“We got called to this OD. You know that in this part of the country the prominent drug is meth, but obviously you can get anything if you know where to look. I remember the woman still had the needle in. It was the smallest vein I’d ever seen. One of the ones in the finger.” Nancy gestured to her hand. “Cap and I were talking later on about how wild it was. We’d never seen anything like that. TK chimed in and told us that you’d be surprised what you figured out how to do when you needed to score. It’s when he told us about the heroin.
“He’s not proud of it, but he owns it. And if his past makes him a better paramedic, then I think that’s a win. Turn things into a positive, you know? Apparently he even told his dad that instead of calling a paramedic, he wanted to be one. I think that’s kind of a funny way to tell your captain you’re quitting.”
Carlos mulled over the words, breaking them down and digesting them. She was right that the TK they knew and loved wasn’t in that same dark hole he’d been in years ago. With two one time relapses, both of which Carlos didn’t think could be classified as a relapse, but it was what it was. TK had been sober since he was twenty three. How could a suicide attempt, and being drugged count? It counted to TK, so Carlos accepted it, but he didn’t in his heart. Both of those times had been pills. Seven years ago Gwyn had dragged him from a drug din to rehab while he withdrew from the heroin he’d been pumping into his veins for the last two years. TK had told him about that. He’d told him so many things, and yet Carlos didn’t think about it. He didn’t like to think about it.
“So…you’re saying that because of his past, it makes it easier to do IVs?”
Nancy nodded. “Which helps our patients get what they need. I was raised to believe that things happen for a reason.”
“You know I love TK with every fiber of my being, right? I know what he’s done and been through. TK has shared every part of himself with me. So many nights we’d spend cuddling and just pouring our souls to each other. The night we started dating, he’d taken my hand and agreed to be my boyfriend without it actually being stated in so many words. We laid on the hood of my camaro and just stared at the sky quietly. And then he started to open up. That’s how it’s been since that day. It took a while for the both of us to fully be ready to share the darkest parts of ourselves, or even acknowledge it, and even longer to articulate and communicate it. But we’ve got there.
“I know his addiction wasn’t a nicely wrapped, sorta socially acceptable bottle of pills. I know that. I know he used heroin almost religiously for years. Pills were compliments to that. I know. But I don’t want to think about it, Nance. I can know. He can talk to me about it. But I don’t want to see it. Seeing him put in an IV on himself `made me physically sick because it made things so real. I hate that I feel that way because it wasn’t like that.”
Carlos wiped the escaped tears from his face. Nancy took his hands.
“Hey, look at me. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Do I like to think of that period of his life? No. But that wasn’t what he was doing, Carlos. He was trying to get better, to take care of himself. I get it. It took your brain to dark places, and that’s okay. But don’t torture yourself like this. TK is okay. He’s happy. He's surrounded by love that he knows is real and genuine. He has us. He has you. And like you said, he’s opened up to you and bared his soul. You know him intimately. You know he’s okay.”
Carlos nodded. She was right. Still, the feelings nagged at him.
“I just feel like I’m letting him down somehow, like I’m doubting him when I’m not.”
“He knows that you don’t. And I think he would understand. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”
Carlos nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“I am right.” Nancy hugged him.
“Thanks, Nancy. This really helped.”
“What can I say? I’m good at listening. You’re my friend.”
The two chatted about other things for a bit before Carlos bid Nancy farewell. He checked on TK and smiled to find him still sleeping peacefully. The color was slowly coming back to his cheeks. Carlos debated betweeen cooking and snuggling with his husband. TK won every time.