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Severus Snape grew up a lonely child. Having parents, especially his parents, might have seemed better than having none or one parent but Severus would never wish his parents upon another child. His father was a drunkard and an abuser and his mother was a lifeless husk of what she once was. A woman who was once happy and caring was now beaten down and drained. And while he would like to believe she still cared in her own way, it was never the same.
Most things never were these days.
Then he met Lily and for once he thought his life could get better. It was a bit awkward at first for a multitude of reasons. One being that she thought that he was spying on her and her sister which wasn’t true. He was simply practicing a bit of magic when he heard the two playing. It was mostly curiosity. That was quickly forgotten about though as they bonded over their love of magic. They would frequently hangout under the same tree that they met and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. This was their routine and he was fine with that because he had made a friend.
Sometimes he would listen as Lily talked about her life with her sister and parents. And for one single second, he wished that he could experience what they were experiencing, feel what they felt, the feeling of safety and love in their home; see for Severus, life was ordered, monotonic even. He would wake up, go to school with dull and uninteresting teachers with even more dull and uninteresting children. And then finally come back home; back to punched holes in walls, back to the rigid love from his mother and the burning hatred from his father. And the cycle would repeat itself. His life was more akin to a broken record.
He would quickly forget about his muggle life or try to anyways, it wasn’t that they weren’t important, Severus wasn’t that self centered to think that. It was just that they would never understand that their lives could have been so much different than what it was and what it could be. They would live their lives and go about their days never knowing that a whole world existed within theirs, they would live their lives never knowing that magic existed. That something bigger than them existed. But Severus was different, he had known that for a long time. He knew that magic was real and he had it. He knew that his life in the muggle world wasn’t forever. That gave him comfort.
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Severus was now one year closer to going to Hogwarts and one year closer to being free of his parents. His friendship with Lily grew, grew way beyond what he ever expected it to. He went from barely having friends to having the only friend he would ever need.
He told her about all the wizarding schools. He told her about the different creatures. He told her everything that his mother taught him about their world. They would spend hours daydreaming about Hogwarts, about what it was really like. And while they did do magic, it wasn’t the real magic that Severus read about; the magic where you used spells and enchantments and potions and where you had curses that could eviscerate someone or make a patronus. It wasn't blood magic that his mother’s ancient texts talked about. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t ever learn those types of magic. He would get there eventually.
It was something that Severus had always made sure to never forget; magic wasn’t something that was just an escape, it was also to make sure that he never felt powerless ever again. He wouldn’t allow himself to be trampled under the feet of others while knowing that there was a way to put a stop to it. He just wouldn’t.
If there was one thing that hanging out with Lily taught Severus was that people tended to be cruel for no reason other than their own insecurities. Because of this he really, really hated Petunia. Technically, that was two things but that wasn’t the point to be made here. It was more so on the insecurities part. Petunia had no magic of her own so she became jealous of Lily and spiteful towards Severus, not that he cared. He did pity her, though not that much; for someone to know that magic existed, to know that an entire world existed that was inaccessible to them. Severus couldn’t begin to imagine what that could be like. It was just another example of how life was cruel, whether you were deserving of that cruelty or not. It was just the way things were.
Severus would never forget the day that cemented his hatred for his father.
“No! I won't allow it. I refuse!” His mother shouted, using her body as a shield to protect Severus. Severus, in turn, was hiding his face in his mother’s skirt. His body shook with fear.
‘I messed up. I messed up. I messed up.’ Was all that was going through Severus’s mind.
“You won’t allow it?” A dangerous edge crept into his father’s voice and Severus took a step back instinctively. No amount of pleading would change anything that was about to happen.
“He’s your son Tobias. Please, it was an honest mistake.” His mother pleaded on his behalf. Severus was crying at this point.
Severus heard the sound of his father’s hand making contact with his mother’s face. His mother tumbled to the floor and Severus fell with her. Though he quickly recovered by moving away from his mother, who was now clutching her face.
He looked over at his mother, contemplating if he should move closer to her but the steps of his father edging closer stopped him. There was a window open behind his father and with the sun setting, his shadow casted an intimidating presence. As his father moved closer, the room seemed to grow darker and much smaller. Then the footsteps stopped. Right in front of Severus.
“I will not have your freakishness in this house. It is an abomination you hear me! If you think otherwise, I will bury you in a hole and your wretched mother with you. You hear me! I will not have it!” His father roared. Severus couldn’t find the words to describe what he saw in his fathers eyes, it was animalistic, predatory. It was one of those instances where he knew he should back away but his body was not in compliance.
“Move!” He thought desperately to himself. But it was to no avail. He whimpered.
“No? You think I won’t do it? Hmm? I promise you boy, I’ll do it. I’ll do it because you mean nothing; you are nothing to me. You are less than the dirt beneath my foot.” His father hissed at him. Bile rose up in Severus’s throat but he forced it back down. He was already in so much trouble, vomiting would be showing weakness.
His father turned to leave but before he did, he said one last thing to Severus.
“You only breathe because of me boy. Don’t you forget that.”
As his father walked away, Severus saw the glimmer of a knife on the counter and for a split second he allowed himself to wonder.
Severus curled his lips in a sneer at the memory. He would never forget it; he would never forget it, the pure hatred, the pure revulsion that was on his father’s face. It was etched into his memory.
Severus would never understand people like his father, he would never understand their cruelty. Perhaps they found some sick joy in what they did to others. Or maybe they felt nothing at all. He wasn’t sure which one angered him more. But Severus made a promise to himself that day. He would study magic so that no one would have power over him again. Magic chose him and he wouldn’t debase himself by not taking advantage of that.
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While he didn’t show it outwardly, Severus was excited at finally leaving his home to go to Hogwarts. He would no longer have to spend months on end with his parents and he had the option of staying at the castle over the breaks. If he could, Severus would have gone to the Hogwarts Express by himself but he couldn’t legally travel in the muggle world by himself and he wasn’t old enough or strong enough to apparate. So he was forced to be with his mother. She had a tight grip on him as she led him to the Hogwarts Express, maneuvering them around all the other children about to board the train. FInally they stopped at a more secluded area of the platform.
Severus opened his mouth to say goodbye before his mother cut him off.
“I suppose this is goodbye for us Severus.” His mother said stiffly. Severus closed his mouth, then looked into the dull eyes of his mother before nodding.
“Yes, I suppose it is. It is strange though.” He replied quietly. He saw her head tilt slightly as if his words had caught her off guard. Though he doesn’t see why.
“How so? Are you having second thoughts on going? We can always tell them that you’ve changed your mind.” She told him, a slight frown on her face. Severus softly scoffed before shaking his head. That’s ridiculous. The thought of going back home to his father made him sick.
“No. I’m just a little nervous that it won’t be what I thought it was.” He answered hesitantly. After all his time fantasizing and dreaming about going to Hogwarts, the day that he was actually supposed to go, he’s having second thoughts. It’s not that he didn’t want to go, he still very much did. He just didn’t want to be disappointed like so many times before in his life.
It was quiet between the two before his mother spoke again.
“Look at me, Severus.” He looked at her and for the first time in a long time, he saw her eyes soften.
“Life is hardly what anyone expects it to be, it's just is. You can’t expect everything in your life to be as it is in your mind. You must always anticipate that things won’t go your way or won't be as you thought it was. That’s just a way of life you must learn to live by. Do you understand me son?” He willed himself not to cry as he nodded. Yes he understood her perfectly well.
Seemingly satisfied, she hugged him. His eyes widened as his hands hung limp at his sides before he hesitantly hugged her back.
“Chin up Severus, you will be fine. This is the start of your life, don’t let it be overshadowed by doubt and fear. It won’t do you any good.” She whispered into his hair before letting him go.
“Goodbye mother. Be safe.” Severus said. His voice sounded calm to himself despite the turmoil of emotions that he felt at the moment.
“Goodbye Severus.” His mother responded in turn. Her voice was sad and that made Severus feel more horrible. The train was about to leave any moment now so Severus decided it was time for him to go.
Severus Snape was a lonely child and he hoped that his life wouldn’t be defined by this one aspect.
Hogwarts will be different, he thought to himself as he boarded the train. His life will be different. It has to be.