Work Text:
The five Australian men looked around the cave confused. They had been called there by their management under the guise of getting to beat up One Direction. All they saw was a large aquarium built into the wall, a magnificent desk, and a large, high-backed chair facing away from them.
"Crikey! Who's in that chair?" the emo one said.
The chair swivelled, revealing a small woman with an evil gleam in her eye.
"Hello boys. Welcome to the Boyband HQ. You have a new assignment. We have been trying to track down the whereabouts of the Jonas Brothers. They have fallen victim to the Ants."
"Well, what do you want us to do?" one of them asked. The narrator does not know, as the narrator is a lesbian.
"We need to send you down the ant's hill and try to find them. The last known location of their hill was near a music-themed summer camp."
"Do you have any suspects?" one asked. They weren't important to be named by this narrator.
"One" and she slid a picture across the desk.
"But no, it can't be her"
"Maybe not, but she's our top suspect" Heather replied.
"But wouldn't she have written a song about it by now?"
"Well she did write-"
"It doesn't matter what song she did or didn't write, it would never work in a court of law."
"You want to persecute Taylor Swift?"
"DONT USE HER REAL NAME DICKWEASLE"
"my name is-"
"No it's not it's dickweasle" (this narrator is also a Lesbian)
"Shut up, all of you. There's no other choice, we have to rid of her. I don't care how popular she is, I don't care how much money she has in her pockets, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE HER MUSIC"
one of them, the curly-haired one, winced at that. They really liked Cardigan.
"She's been behind a lot of recent attacks lately, and I don't like my friend being sold to a band. TWICE. So you must. Here's your needed weapons, she'll be in Vancouver next week."
With that, the members of the band nodded and started planning.
Armed with a blow-up Travis Kelce doll, some glitter, and a pair of Louboutin heels, the five dudes (this narrator is another lesbian) crossed the Canadian border, stopped for a Tim's run, and set up their trap.
-------
The show was flawless. Taylor was playing these Canadian freaks like the puppets they were. She had gotten through 5 eras, disappointed 50,000 Swifties by playing Me! as a surprise song, and was about to complete her iconic dive. It was all coming together perfectly. Just a few more eras, and she could go home and hang out with her cats.
She raised her arms and jumped.
-------
She dove right into their trap. The net wrapped around her, they shoved her in a band, said "Crikey!" a few times, and brought Taylor back to HQ.
Heather was going to be so proud.
They spilled into the cave, each wearing the navy crewneck (They had to stop at the merch truck). Heather looked impressed.
"Now unveil her," She said.
The five boys unrolled the net, and out she came.
Only...
"JUST ASHLEY!!"