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The rain was the last straw.
It’d already been one of those days when everything just went wrong. It wasn’t a bad day— Andrew wasn’t haunted by the faces of predators from his past, and his skin felt like his skin.
Except the said skin was fucking wet. Because of the rain.
It wasn’t a bad day; it was just constant exhaustion.
So yes, it was safe to say that Andrew was exhausted to his core. It was like this for the whole week, and now, on Friday evening, after his last class, Andrew just wanted to sleep. Wanted. He was so endlessly tired that even this slip of the tongue didn’t occur to him. It just didn’t matter. Andrew wanted to sleep for the whole week without anything to think about at all. Just him, his bed, and sleep.
And Neil. Preferably cuddled — oh, this fucking word — to his side. Or chest. Or wherever Neil would want; at this point, it really didn’t matter at all.
This whole week, they didn’t have any spare minutes for themselves. Neil woke up early for his morning runs. Then practice. Then classes. Then practice. Then something else, and again something else. Neil came to bed just as exhausted as Andrew was. They managed to share a few kisses until Robin appeared in the room. The next morning, it was just the same.
Today was just the same.
So yes, Andrew just wanted to return to their dorm, grab Neil, and fall asleep until the end of the day.
Andrew groaned in despair. Neil had some project, so he would be meeting with some dickheads nearly until the late evening.
Great. Fucking amazing. Andrew never had any hope in him, but he really hoped these dickheads would choke on their project, so Neil would be finally free.
Abruptly, the lightning struck, covering the whole street with light, and then Andrew heard thunder.
Fabulous. It was definitely the last straw.
Andrew was soaked. His car was soaked inside because of Andrew. Everything was so wet, soaked and slippery that Andrew was one step away from setting everything on fire. He didn’t, if that mattered. Anyway, arson was more Neil’s thing than his.
It was his last year at Palmetto. He was half a year away from going somewhere across the country to play for some shitty team, while Neil would be still here in Palmetto, all alone.
No, thought Andrew. Not alone. Wymack still would be here, and he would make sure to take care of Neil, as he had done all those years before. Abby would be there, trying to convince Neil to take care of himself instead of just running himself to the ground. Robin would be here, just existing with Neil in the same space, a constant reminder that he would never be alone.
Andrew would be across the country. One phone call away from him, he heard Bee’s voice. All his Junkie had to do was keep his phone charged. Neil was making some significant progress with using it, not only to get countdowns or to ignore it altogether. Neil was calling Andrew, Wymack and the Foxes like a real human being. He was answering others’ calls whenever he felt like answering, which was happening far more often than in his first year. That was such progress that Andrew once spent the whole evening whispering bullshit into Neil’s ear while taking him apart. Just to encourage him to use it more often, that’s it.
And Andrew … oh. Andrew was afraid, even if he would never say it aloud. It was so stupid — Neil would be the one to stay behind and alone at Palmetto, and here Andrew was, afraid to leave him behind. Not behind, never behind. Andrew was afraid to leave. It took weeks to work out this thought and admit that yes, he was fucking terrified. In Palmetto, they had a routine. They had them, but what would happen when Andrew left?
Andrew knew that nothing would change, at least for him. These feelings, that something he had for Neil, would not disappear into the air once he was out of Palmetto. This something had been with him for ages, forever, and Andrew, despite his utter hatred for this word, was clinging to it with sick desperation. Because now, this forever was a good forever. Finally, after all these years of pain, rage, and apathy, Andrew had something good ahead of him. Something good to have forever, or as long as his forever would keep him.
Neil would keep him. It was such a silly thought — that Neil would keep him forever — but sometimes it was the only thing keeping him afloat. Those days, when he was dreading feeling someone’s touch, when his skin was marred by others, and his head was full of sick laughter, this silly thought kept him there. Just the thought that yes, he’s fucked up in more than one way; yes, he might never heal completely; yes, their faces would still haunt him in his nightmares. But still, there was one person who would stay with him despite all of this. One person who was just as fucked up as Andrew. One person, who was Andrew’s, and Andrew was his. Not to own, but to keep safe, to keep near, just to be near each other. It was such a foreign concept — this feeling of safety near another person. This feeling of trust that Andrew put into someone else’s hands, knowing that his trust wouldn’t be broken. The feeling of knowing that his trust, his body, and his heart would be safe with this person.
Who would’ve thought that Andrew would find this person in a lying runaway.
But Neil wasn’t a lying runaway anymore. He was Neil Abram Josten. An asshole and a menace. A captain of the Foxes. He was Junkie, Andrew’s Junkie. What a wild thought.
Suddenly, Andrew’s chest felt hot, and it felt as if someone had hit him.
Andrew raised his head. A guy was lying on the ground with an empty Starbucks cup near him. A few drops of something like coffee were dripping out of it, and Andrew didn’t even want to think about where the rest of the coffee was.
His chest was still hot, and it had nothing to do with thoughts about Neil.
“Oh, shit, man, I’m so sorry, I didn’t see y-,” the asshole trailed off, finally raising his eyes to Andrew. Andrew felt something vaguely similar to satisfaction when the asshole nearly jumped out of fear. “Shit, shit, shit. Minyard, I didn’t mean, really, I was in a hurry, and you just appeared, and I didn’t see you, shit, and …”
This feeling of satisfaction quickly turned back into tiredness and anger. He just wanted to get back into his dorm and sleep it off. He didn’t want to stand here, soaked with rain and hot coffee, listening to some asshole’s desperate cries of despair, as if Andrew were such a monster that would kill him this instant. Even though Andrew was extremely close to this point, he didn’t just go around the campus killing people or threatening them.
He didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this.
Andrew wasn’t a monster.
Fucking hell, that’s what could happen when you let some runaway get into your head and heart. Fucking Neil and his “you are not a monster”. He made Andrew soft. He made Andrew care when people called him a monster or soulless.
Fucking hell. Andrew didn’t have enough strengths today to deal with this shit.
“… I’m sorry, really,” the asshole still kept talking, “I can help you. Here, take a napkin. I can even do it myself, I-”
“Don’t fucking touch me.” Andrew growled with enough anger in his voice that the asshole closed his mouth and retreated into himself. One moment later, Andrew was storming up the stairs. He thought that maybe this physical activity would make him calmer.
Andrew nearly stopped at this thought. He was turning into Neil. The next thing he knew, he would be running himself to the ground or mouthing off to every reporter.
Finally, finally, he saw the door to his room. Just a few more seconds. It was empty at that moment. Nicky was meeting with Allison out of all the existing people because he needed her advice about some shirts (that he would wear on the vacation with Erik, of course). Robin was with the girls, as it always happened these days, on Friday. Aaron and his cheerleader went somewhere on a boring straight date, probably with cinema, last row, and other disgusting things people tend to do. And no, Andrew wasn’t just bitter that he couldn’t do the same with Neil because Neil was in this damn project meeting. He wasn’t.
At least Andrew would have a few hours of silence and peace.
He just touched the doorknob, and it opened. Someone was here. Maybe Allison canceled their meeting or Katelyn finally dumped Aaron, so at least one of them was back in the room. Andrew was never so tempted to slam the door and drive away for good. Fucking hell, he was definitely turning into his Junkie. Disgusting.
That was the only reason Andrew didn’t slam the door. And the fact that he was still soaked with rain, coffee, and exhaustion. He was feeling, and feeling was so fucking tiring that just the thought of talking to either Nicky or Aaron made him even more tired, if it was possible.
Andrew wanted just one quiet evening. Why couldn’t he get it? For once in his life, why couldn’t he get one quiet evening where he didn’t need to argue with Aaron or listen to whatever Nicky had to say?
Still, Andrew opened the door wider, letting the warmth embrace him from the head to the toes. He just needed to get to the bathroom, wash away this day — no, week — and then hide in the room under a few blankets.
Once Andrew was in the room, he felt it. It. Something he wasn’t lucky to smell more often.
The air in their dorm was full of the smell of strawberry pie. Neil’s strawberry pie.
It just happened that somewhere in the middle of the second year in Palmetto, when Neil was a real person, he decided to take up some hobbies. And while Andrew’s suggestion to try just smoking and eating ice cream was declined, Neil somehow came up with baking. And considering that Neil just couldn’t follow any instructions, Kevin didn’t have any faith in his desire to try. Neil didn’t care about Kevin’s opinion on something not Exy, so Kevin spent a few days with Wymack while Neil was destroying their kitchen. Or whatever Kevin came up with just to run to his father.
Neil baked a pie with the only jam they had at that moment — a strawberry one.
Maybe Andrew liked the pie a little bit too much, considering that Kevin didn’t get to try every small piece. The next time, Neil used black currant jam, and, of course, Andrew ate it with the same appetite, but he had to admit that the strawberry one was better and sweeter. Neil, unsurprisingly, liked the black currant one better. Kevin liked his kale smoothies, so no one really cared about his opinion on pies (Kevin actually also liked the black currant one, but he wouldn't admit it until his death).
Andrew stood there, the door still ajar. Andrew stood there, smelling the pie in the oven, still soaked in rain and coffee. He stood there, feeling how his eyes hurt a bit from whatever the fuck they could even hurt.
Andrew was finally in the dorm — he was in the dorm, and Neil was in the dorm, and he was baking his favourite pie. Andrew was still in his wet clothes, but the feeling in his chest that prevented his from breathing fully, started to disappear.
“Drew?” came Neil’s voice, and Andrew quickly raised his eyes to find Neil in the middle of the room, his hair, sleeves and T-shirt in flour. He looked so warm, so Neil, that Andrew still just stood there, without any thought, looking right at Neil. The door still ajar, no voices from the outside. Only Andrew, Neil in flour, and the pie.
“Strawberry?” asked Andrew, even though he knew for sure that it was strawberry.
Neil just nodded.
Andrew nodded in return, trying to make sense of his own thoughts. He closed the door, locked it, because he knew it made Neil feel safer. Dropping his bag, Andrew made his way to Neil, standing right in front of him. Waited until Neil got what he wanted. But Neil, always so thoughtful, didn’t assume. He just waited until Andrew said what he wanted.
“Yes or no?”
“Yes, always yes,” Andrew had no strength to fight Neil’s ‘always’ when he himself thought about Neil as his forever just ten minutes ago.
Instead, Andrew came closer to Neil. So closer, that their noses were nearly touching (if Andrew was tiptoeing, which he didn’t). Then Andrew just laced his hands around Neil’s waist, hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Andrew liked Neil’s neck, it was really nice to kiss and snuggle in.
So Andrew stood there, embracing himself into Neil, and inhaling deeply. And again. Just because only in this way he could feel at home.
Something was off. Andrew wiggled his back, trying to make Neil understand his request without words.
Neil, of course, understood.
“Yes or no?” and still, he asked.
Andrew huffed, nearly in exaggerated annoyance. “Yes, Junkie.”
“Where?”
Another huff. “Hips and up.”
And then he felt those arms gently hugged him over the shoulders. A few moments later, Neil hugged his a bit tighter, something Andrew learnt to love during his third year. Not too tight, just enough to feel, to feel himself embraced and safe. Desired, in the way Andrew wanted to be desired.
Neil didn’t say anything about the fact that Andrew’s hoody was soaked and dirty with coffee. He didn’t say against the hug, even if that meant that he will have to change after that. Neil, in his touch-starved self, took everything Andrew wanted to give and gave in return just as much.
Minutes passed, Andrew felt himself getting warmer and warmer, and his eyes started to close with the pure exhaustion. Andrew had so many things to do! He had to change, to have a bath, eat Neil’s pie, kiss Neil, and take him to bed right after it! But at that moment, staying with Neil around him, Andrew felt the dam break.
His eyes watered. Just a bit, but enough to blur his eyesight. He hid his face further into Neil’s neck, as if it would save him from crying. Andrew would not cry, not over some stupid words he heard nearly every day before. Before Neil and his stupid ‘Andrew is not a monster, don’t call him that, or you will see a real monster’ in Andrew’s third year. Andrew didn’t need someone to protect him, so Andrew made sure to say exactly that. Andrew did say it, somewhere between mind-blowing kisses on the roof.
If Neil felt his tears, he didn’t show it, instead keeping Andrew as close as possible and rubbing his hands over his back.
With his head still in the crook of Neil’s neck, Andrew whispered, “I am not a monster.”
Neil’s hands stilled, and Andrew nearly whined to regain their movement. He didn’t, though, because it would be utterly embarrassing of him to whine.
And still, Neil’s hands didn’t move, and his breath stuck in his lungs.
“Andrew,” Neil whispered in hair kissing, kissing this place right after, “Andrew, Drew, you are not a monster, you are anything but a monster. I saw monsters, Drew, and you are not one of them.”
A few more minutes passed, all while Andrew stood in Neil’s embrace, feeling this exhaustion creeping on his again. But Andrew was still wet, and dirty, and cold, and now he was making Neil cold too. But Neil didn’t say a word about it – no, he just stood there too, hugging Andrew and whispering words into his hair and ear.
It was so warm and domestic, that only a few years Andrew would run away from it as if burned, wouldn’t trust anyone with himself, wouldn’t let himself have something good, because everything good would be used against him and the biggest pain in his life was always caused by the things we wanted or loved the most.
Now Andrew stayed and Andrew wanted. What a foreign concept.
“Isn’t pie going to burn?” asked Andrew, still not making any move to let Neil check on it.
Neil chucked a bit, “No, I turned it off before you came.”
Andrew hummed. So thoughtful.
“Hot chocolate?”
“Just tea, Earl Grey.”
Andrew hummed again. He could make some chocolate himself.
“Andrew,” whispered Neil. Andrew just hummed again to show that he was listening. “You are going to catch a cold if you stay in soaked clothes any longer.”
And yes, maybe Andrew indeed was wet and cold. Still wet and cold. So was Neil after these minutes of hugging.
“Go to the bathroom, I’ll get you some clothes,” offered Neil, without second thought. Before he could turn away, Andrew grabbed his wrist. Neil raised one eyebrow.
“Grab something for yourself, too. You are disgusting.”
Neil just chucked and saluted with two fingers. Andrew didn’t find it in himself to hate the gesture.
Neil’s hands were gently untangling blond locks, and Andrew felt his eyes closing once again.
The water was warm, nearly hot, nearly too much, but Neil clearly liked the hot water, and Andrew just wanted to feel Neil wash his hair. That was another thing Andrew learnt to love – letting Neil take care of him.
Dirty clothes were laying somewhere for tomorrow-Andrew to deal with. Now the only thing Andrew wanted to deal with was his hunger and warm pie, made by his Neil.
Once Neil was sure that Andrew’s hair was clean and smelled nice, he cupped Andrew’s face with one question in his eyes.
Andrew nodded.
And Neil kissed his forehead.
And that’s okay, that’s something Andrew could keep.
“Did your partners choke on your project?”
Neil chuckled, “They pissed me off, so I left.”
“What did they do?”
“Exist.”
“Fair.”
Andrew did end up making himself a hot chocolate, while Neil was sitting on the counter and telling Andrew about his argument with said project partners.
The smell of pie and Neil’s tea filled the room, and Andrew, who never really thought about any domestic life, felt just that. He felt deeply in his bones that he wanted just that – making hot chocolate with Neil sipping the tea from his uncle, all while the thunderstorm was nearly beating in their windows with heavy rains.
This evening was just for Neil and Andrew. Only two of them, only them. They had such evenings before and would have after that.
Until Andrew had to leave for another city.
Shit.
That was exactly the only thought Andrew didn’t want to think about.
Andrew’s hand stilled. They definitely needed to talk. As soon as possible. Andrew might be self-destructive, but he would never let himself lose Neil just out of his cowardice.
“Andrew?”
Andrew put the spoon away, stepping between Neil’s legs. Once he got a nod, he put his hands on Neil’s thighs. They were one of his most favourite parts of Neil. Neil definitely got some god thighs, thanks to his constant running. Neil put the cup of tea away, so they wouldn’t knock it. Again.
“I’ll leave soon.” Andrew went to the point, without beating around the bush.
Neil’s back tensed a bit, and Andrew hated himself for making him nervous, when just a few seconds ago Neil was so pliant and relaxed.
“Yes.” Neil said, a bit unsure of what Andrew wanted to say.
“You are not.”
“I mean, I still have a year here,” Neil definitely didn’t understand what Andrew meant.
“And we may not get on the same team in the year.”
“Drew …,” Neil trailed off, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable or anything close to it. On the contrary, he started to relax, and Andrew wondered if he thought about it, too. “Yes or no?”
Neil raised his hands to show his intentions. Not that it was that necessary.
“Yes, Junkie.”
Neil hooked his hands behind Andrew’s neck, making him step closer. “We may not get on the same team, but … but we can still visit each other.”
The last part sounded so close to the question, that Andrew was sure that Neil was as nervous as he was.
Neil also needed this reassurance, because it was Neil, who was left behind.
“Yes, we can,” and Neil just bumped his nose into Andrew’s. That was such a childish move, and yet so soft, that Andrew felt his lips lift into the shape of a faint smile.
If Neil noticed it (and he definitely noticed, if his own smile could tell anything), he didn’t say anything about it.
Neil put a hand right at the back of Andrew’s head for a kiss, when they heard a hissing.
“Milk!”
And of course, nearly half of Andrew’s hot chocolate was on the stove. Neil jumped from the counter in desperate attempts to safe this hot chocolate, even if it was clear that nothing would help it. In the air there was a clear smell of burnt milk, Andrew wouldn’t get his hot chocolate today unless he wanted to go outside to buy some milk, and Neil was still trying to clean the stove.
And the next thing Andrew knew, the light was turned off.
That was the last straw – Andrew laughed, for the first time since being drugged.
True to Andrew’s words, everything that could’ve gone wrong, went wrong. And it was so silly, to laugh over some power outage, but here, in the room with only Neil, it was safe.
So Andrew laughed, just because he could. Maybe it was hysterical and caused by exhaustion, but soon he heard Neil laughing too.
“Good thing I already made a pie,” between giggles, said Neil.
Good thing. Indeed.
“Where is your tea, Junkie?”
And when Andrew lit the candle, he saw the bluest eyes he had ever seen.
In bed, Andrew found himself laying right on top of Neil, with Neil’s hands on his waist.
The rain was hitting in the window, but Andrew didn’t hear it.
Andrew fell asleep within seconds, and for the first time that week, he felt asleep content and with Neil under him.
The next morning, they stayed in bed until the late morning, just laying tangled and kissing lazily.
The rain didn’t stop.
And it didn’t matter.