Chapter Text
Noel said:
- Let’s film me being on the ground, screaming, shirt open.
Ju said:
- I’ll have to film you go down too, you know.
Noel nodded and acted turning towards the camera dramatically, gasping, a hand at his collar, yelled some nonsense, then collapsed onto the forest floor, fingers tearing the buttons of the shirt he wore apart.
Ju filmed all that and said:
- This is probably the best we are going to get tonight. Might as well get home.
… They were in Epping forest, filming the show about ghosts in their spare time, hoping someone’s going to fund it eventually (no one was interested at present).
Noel bit his lip, got up, felt a vibration under his feet, grasped the Grimstone Oak they were filming next to. Said to his show partner, worriedly:
- Ju, this is not good… We need to hide…
Ju got captured in his friend’s, roommate’s, show partner’s shiny blue eyes, said:
- Awrigh.
…Grabbed Noel and dived behind the oak’s trunk.
…They had literally a second to catch their breaths, before the rider burst into the clearing. Both boys raised their heads slightly and noticed that the horse spat fire and that the rider was quite headless. A little transparent, too.
Ju said:
- Oh fuck no.
***
…Both boys were school friends, stuck together for reasons their friends thought had mostly to do with laziness.
They both had boring day jobs (Noel as a barista, Ju as a teller in a bank), sharing a dingy flat, yet insisted on doing crazy things, like writing screenplays nobody could possibly fund, writing music nobody in their sane mind would want to release.
…Yet their biggest crime was the show they uploaded to that new thing called YouTube, about them hunting ghosts.
…Everybody who knew them knew they were complete frauds, not caring about ghosts in the slightest. Sometimes their videos got tens of views. Yet they kept uploading more, mostly of Noel jumping from his own shadow and Ju, mumbling nonsense, turning his camera wildly around.
…Noone had ever expected them to see or film an actual ghost. Yet clearly this has been happening, as Ju pressed Noel to himself behind the Grimstone Oak, to keep him safe.
***
On the other side of the Oak, to their complete and utter astonishment, the ghost dismounted from his horse, got a shovel out of his saddle bag, and then started to dig at the majestic tree’s roots.
The boys couldn’t help it, they had to see what was going on. They both creeped closer and closer and then… at the same time… the earth under their fingers gave out and they fell into the hole the rider was digging. Both screamed with all their might.
The rider screamed right back at them, his hands up.
They couldn’t see what he could possibly scream with, so they screamed some more, trying to outscream the slightly transparent headless person.
…Eventually they ran out of air.
…The rider whipped out a sabre - at which Noel screamed with renewed vigour and Ju shouted: ‘Don’t kill me! I’ve got so much to give!!!” - then leaned on it. Said:
- And who you two might be?... Gentlemen?... You can come out of the hole now, unless you’re going to anger my horse.
The horse neighed and spat a bit more fire, then sneezed. She started to look more like a harmless slightly transparent ghost horse.
…Yet the sabre looked sharp and capable of harm.
…The boys crawled out of the hole the rider dug with their hands up, trembling possibly just a little bit.
The rider asked:
- Are you gentlemen?
Ju replied:
- We’re videobloggers.
The rider spat on the ground with they didn’t know what, shook what they thought must have been his head. Said:
- I am so fucking unlucky. I only get one fucking night a year to search for my head, and everyone I meet are either cows or fucking peasants!...
The ghost turned to the side and made an impression of dramatically touching his forehead, even though he had no head. Threw his sabre to the side.
Noel emerged from behind Ju tentatively, said:
- We are not peasants, this is a different century. Also, we know where your head is.
The ghost turned to them, put a hand on his horse’s neck, looked at them with they didn’t know what. Said:
- Wha?...
Ju said:
- Can we put our hands down now, sir?...
***
In 20 minutes they were at the wall of the mansion. Noel and Ju were there just last week, hoping to get the rich owner to fund their show.
The asshole owning the thing, called Bainbridge, thought they were interested in his collection of curios, including the famed Dick Turpin’s head.
…At the gates, Noel put a hand on Dick Turpin’s (for the ghost was none other than him) sleeve. It felt cold but not unpleasant. Said:
- Can you walk through walls?
The ghost rolled his eyes with they didn’t know what. Walked through the solid brick wall and then back.
Noel wanted to know yet more, fingers gentle on the ghost’s arm:
- Can you lead us through?...
…Thirty seconds on, they were past the wall. Then, Noel whispered, insistently, his hand on the lapel of the ghost:
- Can you pass this century’s alarms? Like, lasers and shit? Because this is what your head is guarded with…
Dick took Noel’s hands, looked thoughtful for the first time tonight (with they didn’t know what). Said:
- I’ve never tried.
Ju pushed Noel away, said:
- No no no. Once the alarms in that room go off, we’re done for. There will be police. We need to go in with a plan!
Noel and Dick looked at each other (Dick with they didn’t know what), then said, in unison:
- Awrigh.
***
…Noel was the one who crawled into the room, slithering on the floor like a lizard, under the laser beams, because he was the slightest of them.
…The ghost crawled right behind him, mimicking the movement of his body, minus the head.
…Once next to the cabinet, Noel shimmied up. Dick, immediately behind him, reached in through the glass and grabbed his head, exclaiming as he made contact with it.
…Both boys watched in awe as the horrifying mummified head disappeared, becoming a slightly transparent head, coiffed, made-up (powder and a well-placed mouche) and in a jauntily angled hat, clearly belonging with the rest of the ghost’s body.
Dick opened his mouth and they grinned. Then saw Dick snap it shut as they heard a loud cough.
Both jumped, Ju on the threshold of the room, Noel next to the cabinet, as they saw Bainbridge in a bathrobe (later Noel claimed it was the bathrobe that got him spooked, not Bainbridge).
Ju said:
- Hello, Mr Bainbridge. It’s us, we were just touring your incredible curio collection a few days ago with you. We got a show about paranormal phenomena…
Bainbridge opened his mouth to say what looked like a ‘no’ but then got whisked through the wall.
…Noel creeped under the lazers to where Ju stood, rooted to the floor, stood up. They heard neighing.
…Then Dick reappeared, dusting his hands. Explained:
- Put him on the horse. She’ll drop him off in London. She wanted to go to London to see a thing anyway, the new menagerie. Heard of it?...
***
Back in Epping forest, Dick shook hands with both of the boys as he became more and more transparent as it was dawning. Then the ghost said:
- Oh, I almost forgot. As a thank you, let me give you the map to my greatest treasure…