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Broken walls, pieces of paper sprinkled across the room as if they were a drunk’s attempt to piss straight instead of priceless containers of knowledge, and clouds of dirt strong enough to clog noses and make you feel like a piece of old shit. Home sweet home.
Trevor snorted and waved his arms to disperse the dust his broom had raised. He managed to hit his elbow against the bookshelf. Swearing as a sharp bolt of pain coursed through his arm, he moved backwards. His foot slipped. ‘Oh shit’, he had a second to think before he slammed against the floor. He decided to stay there, deeply regretting life.
The only woman in the room cackled at him, going to his side to help him up. Trevor just grunted, waving her away, deciding to lay on the floor for a while more. Shrugging, Sypha began to pickup the fallen books and sheets of paper, bringing them to the desk she commandeered as soon as she saw it.
Trevor thanked that God, for once, had taken pity on him instead of deciding to fuck him side ways, as Alucard still hadn’t arrived to the Belmont Hold. He turned his head to watch as Sypha fluttered like the hummingbird she was through the dilapidated room. He hummed as he watch her jump, trying to get a book on the top shelf, feeling amused but debating if he really wanted to get up and help her or stayed down and enjoy the view.
Then, a strong current of dust invaded his vision, causing him to jump to his feet and start coughing. She clearly didn’t need help, he surly thought, as he ended up sneezing as if crawling little ants were walking up and down his nostrils. “A little more consideration for those of us who still need clean air to breath”, he acerbically said after he had calmed down.
“Ups”, Sypha sheepishly answered as she stopped using the wind to keep herself floating, gracefully going down until her feet touched the floor.
Trevor opened his mouth to thank her, sarcasm at the tip of his tongue, but ended swallowing more dirt as Alucard zipped by to stand before Sypha’s desk. They happily greeted each other as Trevor was hacking his lungs through his throat. Taking pity on him, Sypha cleared his airways until he could breath sweet, stale air. Giving her a thumbs-up, he turned to scowl at the dhampir.
“Hey”, he bit out, but was completely ignored, as Alucard continued looking through the gathered books. “Hey!” He said louder, striding to where he was. At this, Sypha poked the blond with a thin, pointy finger. Alucard sighed, as if she had ordered him to fuck his way up to the highest mountain, bare-footed and with his legs bounded, instead of just prompting him to say sorry. The damphir surly apologized, then continued to focus of his books.
Trevor made as if to grab his shoulder, but, at Sypha’s glare, he huffed and pointedly walked away to resume his cleaning. It was almost funny, he bitterly thought, that even though he was in a library that should be as familiar as his dick he felt as confused with its contents as the other two. Of course he remembered some things about it, like that cool bestiary his father took to the mansion to read to him as bed-time stories, to the most famous relics his family had squirreled down throughout the years. But, for the majority, he had no recollection of them. Though, now that he thought about it, he could remember some of the warnings his mother had repeatedly told him the few times he had entered the hold.
Scrunching his brows, Trevor shouted to his partners, “Hey! Be careful with what you touch! Hell knows what the things we have kept here can do.” Considering that enough of a warning, he went back to his cleaning, scowling hard at the still dirty, well, everything.
“Of course! What do you take us for?” Shouted Sypha back, nose deep in a book.
Trevor barked a laugh, “sweetheart, if not even my family could categorize everything they brought here, I doubt you could with just a glance.”
“Did your family had the habit of bringing unknown magical objects just to hoard them?” Drawled Alucard.
“Pretty much.”
The damphir just sighed resignedly at that, not bothering building up a response. They continued working in silence after that.
After a couple of hours, while Sypha was moving some books, her hand bumped a little chest. Taking it out, she noticed it didn’t have a lock, so she shrugged and opened it. Inside, there was a rounded piece of wood. Taking it out, she saw a toad pyrography. Turning it to the other side, she noticed it was a little bit damaged, splinters poking out throughout it.
Finding it curious and the toad a little cute, she went back to show it to Alucard. As she walked, she didn’t notice a stack of books in her path and tripped. She fell, her hand gripping tight the pyrography. A sharp pain cut through her hand. Looking at it, she saw it full of splinters. Cursing silently, she tried to get them out, not noticing how the wood absorbed her blood and began to shine.
Alucard, smelling the blood, turned towards her to see if she needed help, and shouted out in warning. Trevor was startled, but seeing the shining piece of wood, worriedly began to go to her. He extended his hand.
“Give me that, before anything happens.”
As if to mock him, the wood burnt brighter and, after a few seconds, swallowed the three in light.
——
Sypha woke first. She felt strange, as if she was stretched too long but also pushed into too small clothes. Looking around, she saw tall trees and a blue sky. It was weird, she hadn’t seen such pretty a sky in years… jolting, she watched as a bee the size of her head passed by.
Hurriedly scanning her surroundings, she saw that the trees weren’t trees at all, but grass and flower stalks. But, more important, there were two giant toads beside her. Apart from their height, they were abnormal, being one bright blue and the other a golden color. The blue one began to stir.
Trevor woke up, feeling like he had spent the night drinking, which was absurd because he clearly remembered spending it down in the Belmont Hold, being fucked over by the old furniture and its accompanying dirt. Even if deep inside he really didn’t want to open his eyes to see how much in deep shit he was, he tried to raise his head and opened them.
He saw a gigantic ass toad. His fight-or-flight instincts activated, landing clearly on the fight part. He tried to grab his whip, panicking when he couldn’t move well his arm. Flailing around, suddenly his tongue flew from his mouth and slapped the toad. Hard.
Alucard woke being hit. He tried to hit back, but his body wasn’t collaborating. Being used to being in non-anthropomorphic shapes, he quickly scanned his limbs to try to decipher if he unconsciously changed his form while sleeping. Panicking a little when he saw short, bumpy legs and rough, dry yellow skin, he tried unsuccessfully to transform into a more familiar shape.
Cursing when he couldn’t manage it, he then directed his attention to analyze his surroundings. There, he saw a blue and an orange toad having their own existencial crisis. Having a strong suspicion of what, or rather, who both were, he opened his mouth to asked them if they knew what the fuck had happened.
“Croak…”
Closing his mouth, Alucard shut his eyes, feeling deeply pained.
Trevor knew he wasn’t the brightest torch between them, but fuck knew he wasn’t stupid. He was a toad and there were two other strangely toned ones, who coincidently were the same color as his partners’ hair. Even he could figure it out with such blatant hints. After a few croaking sounds, he learnt how to talk in that form. And so, he expressed what he considered the most relevant issue: “God hasn’t stop shitting on us, we are motherfucking toads.”
——
After the well deserved panic and fury-induced freak out, the trio started experimenting with their bodies. Trevor croaked hysterically when, after Sypha inquired why he was so still, Alucard answered that he was trying to levitate. Then, he choked when his tongue snatched a passing fly, now being Alucard’s turn to laugh smugly at him.
After a while, they all got the hang of crawling through the garden. Apparently, toads couldn’t jump long distances, they discovered. Then, the trio tried to see where they had landed, praying without hope that they were near the castle. But, with their luck, they knew it wouldn’t have it so easily.
After a few hours of slowly walking, they saw a well-tended house. Alucard froze. He knew that deep blue roof, that rounded window. He walked countless of times up and down those front stairs. It was bigger than he remembered, but he could never forget it.
Sypha saw him stop abruptly, then became concerned when he began to hyperventilate. Getting closer, she bumped gently into him, “hey, what is it? You ok?”
Trevor, hearing this, turned to see what was happening. But at the same time, the front door opened and a blond woman stepped outside. Immediately understanding they were in deep shit, he moved his stubby limbs as fast as he could to get to the duo’s side.
If Alucard was panicking before, he was near catatonic now. Sypha and Trevor shared a look, not knowing how to help him. ‘What could they say’, thought Trevor, ‘hi, it is great that your dead mom’s alive, and probably also your not-so-homicidal father, but we are currently in a tits-up situation and really need your big, nerdy, brain?’
Sypha, looking at Trevor’s lost toady face, knew he would be useless in this. So, she gathered her loins, and quickly said the first comforting thing her brain managed to think.
“Assuming we really are in the past, how will we prevent her death?”
Seeing now two lost toady faces instead of just one, she mentally patted her back for the job well done and silently thanked her brain.
——
Sneaking into a house made of stone as a toad wasn’t as easy as it seemed. They first tried the windows, but they were to high for their stubby short toad legs. They weren’t really designed like frogs, Trevor grumbled. Then, the trio tried to see if there was a hole big enough for them, but after searching for hours, they didn’t find a single imperfection on its structure.
Alucard wasn’t surprised. The house was built by his father as a surprise gift to his mother. Ergo, it was as perfect as he could managed it to be. Telling this to the others, the three sighed resignedly and waited for Lisa to return, to see if they could sneak in when she opened the door.
Trevor gave them a hard look when they planned it, saying that three colorful toads were as subtle as a kick in the nuts. Alucard snarled at him, asking him how they were supposed to hide if they couldn’t even cast a single spell.
Seeing a priceless opportunity, Trevor jumped in front of Alucard. Then, taking advantage of his surprise, he pushed him into a convenient mud puddle. Alucard spluttered in indignation at him, his yellow coloring partially hidden by the brown mud. Trevor couldn’t even finish croaking smugly when he too was pushed, a laughing Sypha jumping after him.
They play-fighted in the mud until they were all covered in it. Exiting the puddle, they waited for the sludge to cool down and solidified, huddling close to the door. Finally, Lisa returned, helping an elderly patient inside. When she opened the door, the trio quickly scurried inside.
They hid beneath a shelf full of medical ingredients while Lisa treated the elderly woman. Alucard made a muffled sound when he heard his mother answering the woman’s question, saying that her child had just left the day ago to travel to an eastern village and would not be back for a couple of weeks.
They waited until the patient left the house, then began whispering about how to tell Lisa she was going to die in five or so business days, as Alucard told them based on his recollection of when it happened in relation to his travels. After a quick debate, they decided that it was best that Sypha did it, being the more level-headed of them.
Sypha left their hiding place, making small hops until she arrived near Lisa’s foot. The blond was entranced by the journal she was writing on. Sypha made a croaking sound and then loudly said, “excuse me, ma’am, I may not look like it right now, but I’m a speaker, and I need to te-“
Sypha jumped as a foot almost hit her, then crawled backwards as she saw Lisa grabbing a broom. The men left their hiding place, hurrying to go to their screaming partner. Sypha was shouting at Lisa to stop and hear her, but was unsuccessful. Finally, they couldn’t outrun the blond woman, and with careful pushes, they were thrown out of the house.
Feeling very sorry for themselves, they watched as Lisa closed sharply her door. Sypha solemnly said, “well, it appears she doesn’t speak toad”.
Trevor summed up all their thoughts. “Well, fuck us with a dusty spoon.”
——
“What do we do now?”
“We can’t give up.” Alucard was trembling, trying to contain all his feelings inside a body that was too little for the size of them.
“Of course not,’ said Sypha, ‘that’s why we need a plan. It is not as we can leave her to burn.”
“That’s it!” Trevor exclaimed excitedly.
“What?!” Snapped Alucard, “how dare you-“
“Not her, you idiot, the house!”
“Please, Trevor,’ said an exasperated Sypha, side-eying a fuming Alucard, ‘explain it to us poor souls, why would be burn her house when we are trying to save her from that fate.”
Trevor rolled his eyes, all but done with his partners. “If we burn the house, Lisa would have to leave town before the bishop arrives to fuck it all up. And, if we use our lives’ luck, the church would even think that Lisa died in the fire and won’t persecute her anymore.”
Being astounded by such idea coming from Trevor of all people, Alucard and Sypha were speechless.
“Well, what do you think?”
Alucard considered Trevor’s plan and, to his chagrin, couldn’t find fault in it. “It could work,’ he begrudgingly admitted, ‘but we have to preserve the transmission mirror, so she can immediately travel to father’s castle. It is in her room.”
“So, we are doing this.’ Sypha sighed, but felt a spark of enthusiasm begin to grow inside her, ‘The mirror is magical, it will be fine. One needs to use more than normal fire to hurt a magical object such as it.”
“The question is, how do we set it on fire?”
——
The trio stood outside watching the house burn. They planned meticulously their arson. They waited for Lisa to leave her house at sundown to go treat the patients that couldn’t walk the distance to her home. As she opened the door, they pushed a rock so it wouldn’t close all the way through and entered the house.
Inside, Alucard pointed to Trevor the flammable substances his mother kept in the house so he could throw them at the floor. Of all of them, Trevor deeply mourned when he had to spill an aged vine. ‘What a waste’ he sadly thought.
Meanwhile, Sypha was looking through the kitchen’s hearth for a piece of flint. Finding one, she, as quickly as she could, left it outside the house and went back to look for a piece of steel. Croaking to her partners to tell them she was ready, she waited as they crawled out of the house, Trevor dragging a opened bottle of liquor after him. Outside, he made a straight line with the alcohol from inside the house to the stone path in front of it.
Looking at her friends, seeing them nodding, Sypha smacked the flint and the steel, generating sparks that rapidly lit the flammable trail. They watched as the fire quickly spread towards the house, lightening it up on fire.
Suddenly, Sypha asked, having just thought about it, “Does the house exploding up in flames confirm or not to the town’s people that she was a witch?”
The trio looked into each others’ eyes and then back to the burning house. They panicked.
——
After a while, watching houses burn could become therapeutic, thought Trevor, as the three stood outside the town, looking to its flaming houses. They weren’t out to kill people indiscriminately, so they didn’t bath their houses in alcohol, they justified themselves. They only lighted up little fires across the town, very tiny, very small, giving the people enough time to escape.
Still, it soothed something in Alucard to watch them burn. When they felt they had seen enough, they made their way towards Lisa’s house. When the trio arrived, they saw the house black as ash, the fire burnt out.
Then they heard running footsteps, Lisa appearing in the stone path. She cursed quietly when she saw her burnt house, but thought she was lucky that she wasn’t inside when it went up on fire. Quickly opening the door, she looked around to see if the fire still was on. Finding it safe, she went to her room and activated the mirror. With a final look towards her house, she entered it, knowing that Vlad wouldn’t let her live alone for a long time after this.
——
Alucard sighed in relief after seeing her mother didn’t leave the house, meaning she had used the mirror to go to his father. She was saved. Turning to look at his partners, he saw the same relief in their eyes.
“This is a better way to save the world, wouldn’t you say?”
The three shared a look and then erupted in croaking laughter. They did it, against all odds and in spite of their current unhelpful form.
As they were busy laughing, a bright light enveloped them. And soon, there were no more toads in Lisa’s garden.