Chapter Text
She was tired. But what else was new? She was walking to potions with Ron and Harry listening to the same complaints they gave every day .
“I mean honestly I helped save the world you would think that it would grant me auror training.” Ron huffed as they turned the corner.
“I know I mean I actually died. Full heart stop but I still have to turn in homework. It’s backwards mate.” Harry replied.
Hermione had lost track of how many times she had yelled at them about this exact conversation. Over the summer they all lived at 12 Grimmauld Place and the minute they learned that they needed to return for their eighth year they started complaining. Oh, and haven’t stopped since.
She loved them, she really did, but lately, all she wanted to do was use their heads as batting practice. She walked quicker to get out of the conversation before she lost her temper- again.
She didn’t know if it was a side effect of the war, but she felt like she had such a short fuse. Anything could set her off and right now this stupid conversation was about to.
She was staring at the steps in front of her and tried to do the breathing exercises that her mind healer gave her.
In for four, out for six.
Remember Hermione, we all go through hard times, the key to continuing onward is to regulate your reactions.
The pitchy voice of her mind healer was grating against her nerves. And apparently so much so that she was too distracted to see an inch in front of her face and ran into a fucking wall.
As she fell to the ground embarrassment and frustration rolled in her veins heating her from the inside out. With one hand she was grabbing her most recent library obsession, Arthimacy in Practical Application. And with the other, she was clenching her fist so tight leaving crescent moons on her palms. She bites her cheek to mitigate the flush over her neck.
She tasted blood when the ‘wall’ began bending down to pick up her potions textbook.
Shit .
“Sorry, I didn’t see you.” She said standing up to see Malfoy handing her potions book to her.
“I am literally a foot taller than you.” He said with no malice. In fact, he has a little grin playing on his lips.
The last time she saw Malfoy he was in Wizengamot chained to a chair. She practically spent her entire summer at the ministry being a witness to the people who survived the war. The Malfoy family was no different.
She spoke at all three of their hearings. Spoke about how the youngest Malfoy was in school , about how he seemed to do things against his will. And particularly about how he saved Harry’s life when they were captured by snatchers.
“Well, that explains why I thought you were a wall.”
“Oy mate that might be the best compliment a birds ever given ya.” She looked to her right to see Theo Nott ribbing him. She started on her way back to the room and could hear Nott and Malfoy talking as they followed her to the same class.
“Shut up Nott.”
“I think you’re closer to a poodle myself, but..”
“And I think your hair looks like pubes.” She couldn’t help the snort of a laugh that escaped her as she looked over her shoulder to look at Theo’s hair.
“Aye, the lady seems to think you’re funny.” Theo stuck out his chest moving to her side and holding out his hand. “Theodore Nott, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.” He gave her a charming smile.
She has never spoken with Theodore Nott. He hung around snakes mainly and that was not particularly inviting for someone of her blood status. But since he was in her year, they had practically every class together for the last seven? eight years? The math gets too complicated. She does have the distinct memory of him constantly leaning back in his chair with his arm slung around different Slytherin girls.
But she would admit that he was annoyingly fit. His blue eyes were beautifully contrasted against his brown curly hair. Before she could say anything his shoulder was being yanked back.
“Knock it off, Nott.” She saw Draco pushing him back with an annoyed expression.
“Oi, mate give the rest of us a shot.”
She rolled her eyes. “Sorry about him,” Draco said catching up to her. “He can be a dick.”
“And you can be a prick. I guess you must be brothers eh?” She retorted walking into the classroom.
“Watch it little lion or I’ll think you need to be tamed.” He smirked. She rolled her eyes leaving him in the back of the class while she went to her normal seat in the second row.
Ron joined her a second later moving a hand across her back as he did.
“What was that about?” He asked in her ear. She had to stop herself from pushing him away.
She was not comfortable with PDA and it’s all Ron wanted to do. At the sorting ceremony, he kept trying to put his arm around her or hold her waist. She let him the first time and then he did a little head nod move of masculine pride to Seamus. After that, she practically broke his arm and told him very clearly that she wasn’t an object to be paraded around. She moved out from his hand giving them a foot of space.
“What?”
“Malfoy.” He said with a jealous anger on his face.
She looked back to see the blonde begging with Nott before Theo left him to sit with Daphne Greengrass. Malfoy slumped in his chair alone.
“Nothing Ron, I just bumped into him.” She said setting up her parchment and quill.
“Well, I don’t like it.” He narrowed his eyes at Malfoy.
“Cheers for you.” She bit out sarcastically when Snape came sweeping into the class.
—-
Snape was currently going over the Wanesberry potion and its effectiveness in reducing night terrors when Ron started piping up from her side.
“Pfff. I could be catching Death Eaters right now and I’m learning about a bloody sleeping draught.”
“Will you just shut up?” She hissed at him.
“I am sorry Miss Granger, is my lecture boring you?” The deep baritone cut across the classroom like a knife.
“No sir,” she tried to reassure. Looking back into his black eyes with a panicked expression.
“Really? Because you seemed to be far more engaged in a conversation with Mr. Weasley. Detention tonight at 6:00 pm.”
“Yes sir.” He went back to lecture and she spared Ron a look that would kill him on the spot if she was lucky.
His cheeks were as red as his hair. He did a little laugh to try and make the expression of murder on her face go away.
It didn’t work.
——
She walked up to the large mahogany door that led to the potions classroom. Knocking at exactly 5:59 p.m.
”Enter.” His voice was slightly muffled by the thick wood.
She immediately saw Snape chopping some kind of root and didn’t look up to acknowledge her as she entered the room. There were five bowls on her usual workstation, the first one was much larger than the rest and filled with black beetles the size of her thumb.
“There are beetles on the desk up front Miss Granger. I expect their eyes scooped into the first bowl, their wings clipped off into the second bowl, their legs in the third, and their bodies in the fourth. Any questions?” He finally looked up from his task to send her a raised eyebrow.
“No, sir.”
She started on her task and had to stop herself from retching when she put her thumbnail behind the first eye. When she got to the legs she snapped it in half, dropping it into the bowl with a metallic ring.
“Stop.” She looked up to see him walking toward her. “You need to harvest the whole leg not just part of it.” He took hold of her beetle “Put your hand on the body and move your thumb to the junction point. Then gently pull.” He demonstrated for her and got a much larger leg than she had. He handed her back the bug. “Now, you do it.” She followed his demonstration and he seemed content giving her a nod before he walked back to his station.
She got through the rest of the beetle's legs and started on the next when her curiosity got the better of her.
“What ingredient is that?”
He looked up though his chopping didn’t falter.
“Hekweed root.” His answer was short and dismissive going back to his work.
In her readings, Hekweed root was always purple but he held a pale peach root under his knife.
Maybe it was a different strand? I wonder how the properties would vary. Perhaps-
“I can feel your brain moving.” he huffed which she took as an invitation.
“Why isn't it purple?”
“Because it is young in its maturity. This is not social hour Miss Granger.”
“Well, I hardly think I’d be talking about Hekweed root if it was.” she let out in a rather matter-of-fact tone which made his glare up at her.
“Your cheek will not be tolerated in this classroom.”
“It's hardly cheek for me to ask you questions about potion ingredients. I believe that is called professional curiosity.”
He huffed a breath in response and she went back to her next beetle.
They worked in comfortable silence for the next five minutes. Until one of her beetles was wet when she picked it up. She looked it over and it had a gloss on the outside.
“Sir?”
“Yes Miss Granger” his irritation was evident in his strained voice.
“I think this beetle may not be good. It’s slimy.” He stepped away from his station to assess the beetle in question. He held it up to the sconces on the wall.
“Pop out one eye onto the table.” He commanded handing it back to her.
“But you’re already holding it.”
She saw the ghost of a mocking smile on his lips. “But you’re the one serving detention.” She let out a grumbled sound of annoyance before slipping her thumb into its eye socket.
“Jesus, it’s squishy.” She watched the eye fall on the table with a gross splat. The eye was half black and half-white.
“You’re right it’s compromised. You may dispose of it.” He started to walk away.
“Sir,” she said in a rather panicked voice both of her hands now holding the goopy bug far away from her pristine white button up. He turned around with a raised eyebrow. “I’d rather not use my wand with beetle juice on my hands. Could you please…?”
He let out a breath that could have been mistaken for a laugh. “As you wish Miss Granger,” and with the flick of his wand the beetle, and the nasty opal eye vanished. Her hands even felt cleaner.
“Thank you, sir.” She saw a flash of surprise on his face before it was covered by his hair swinging forward.
She took a breath. Now seemed like a good time they weren’t particularly bonding, but it’s not like she got many moments alone with him.
“While I’m here sir, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did.”
“You already thanked me, Miss Granger.” He sounded rather irritated though she couldn’t tell through his thick curtain of black hair, so she moved her eyes back down to the beetles she was dissecting.
“I meant for all you did in the war sir. I don’t know if anyone has thanked you. I’m sure Ron and Harry haven’t, so I wanted to make sure you got someone’s acknowledgment.” His chopping stopped slightly before it started again. He could have been changing ingredients, or maybe she was actually getting through. “ In looking back at my schooling you have always been trying to protect us. I don’t know why it took us till the end to figure out that you were fighting with us.”
“I was a spy Miss Granger, if a sixteen-year-old could find out that I was working with The Order I would have been no match for The Dark Lord.”
“I suppose so.” She agreed with a shrug to her beetles. “But I just wanted to say that I am sorry for all that we did these last years to make your life hell.”
“I don’t understand how your long essays or constant need to be right is tied into this.”
She laughed. Couldn’t help it. It was just a little giggle but she felt him look up at her so she returned the stare. A closed smile on her face to contrast his scowl. “Anyways, I haven’t had my parents for two years now and it is nice to know that I had someone watching my back besides Ron and Harry.” She said with a particular indifference.
She cried over her parents for a solid year and now left in its wake was a hollow numbness. She hadn’t cried about them in ages, there were too many other things that stood in line first. They were alive and happy. It was only her pathetic selfishness that made her cry.
Silence filled the air again. She had gotten through ten more beetles before she heard his quiet voice.
“It is important to have some kind of parental figure Miss Granger. You should always have someone smarter than you that you can go to for advice. Students your own age don’t have the years yet to look at situations with a level head.”
She felt a bite of emotion go through her. Was he offering? She had always thought of Snape as a rather calloused individual. Someone who stuck to himself and stayed out of the way, but she had to reassess that after the war. He was the player who was in harm's way constantly on both sides for a woman he loved who was married with a child. He put himself in danger for the memory of her. She really didn’t know anything about him.
“Is that an offer, sir?”
He looked up then but only stared at the bowls in front of her hands.
“If you would like it to be.”
They were all broken after the war. They all had their own shit to work through and here was Professor Snape offering to be her wise old sage. She felt a tender emotion for the first time in so long.
“I would.”
She saw another ghost of a smile as he met her eyes. “Good.”
She went back to her beetles with a smile on her face. “Though I should warn you.” His voice brought her head up. “This deal is contingent on you turning in papers at the length that I assign them.”
“Oh why, of course, Papa,” she said with as much fake sincerity as she could muster. Just short of putting her hand on her chest in exclamation like a silent movie actress.
“Don’t call me that.” His voice was monotone and annoyed.
———
His hand was moving up her thigh. It felt clammy on her skin. She should be turned on right now. Wasn’t she supposed to want his hands on her?
He was using too much tongue it was like kissing a wet dog. It was sweeping through her mouth. She kept her hands on his shoulders.
“Okay Ron,” she breathed out an escape. He moved to her neck giving it slobbery kisses. Jesus, she would need a shower after all this.
“Ron,” she tried again but he just ground his erection into her.
“Yeah you like that” he breathed on her neck.
“No Ron I don’t. Stop.” He pulled back looking at her.
“What you talking about?” He said breathing his hot breath on her face. “You’re wet I can feel it.” He all but growled. She cringed.
“I’m not Ron I’m uncomfortable.” She said pushing him away.
He huffed pushing to the other side of the wall. There wasn’t far for him to go in the hidden alcove.
“What the fuck, Hermione?” He breathed out tucking his shirt back in.
“Ron, I’m just not in the mood.”
“But you’re never in the mood.”
“I don’t know Ron, I’m just not a big fan of the kissing and the grinding.”
“You’re not a fan of sex.” He huffed crossing his arms.
Well, that wasn’t true. She helped herself almost every night. It helped her brain quiet down so she could actually sleep. Maybe she just wasn’t attracted to Ron. Lord knows she didn’t enjoy kissing him. Wasn’t that supposed to be enjoyable?
“Not with you.” She muttered adjusting her knee socks.
“What the hell does that mean!?” He asked pushing aside the tapestry that was hiding them and rushing out of the alcove.
“Nothing… Ron!” She called but he was already stomping down the hall.
“Ut-oh looks like trouble in paradise.” She turned around with her wand pointed at Theo Nott’s chest. “Woah woah easy killer.” He said moving his hands in a surrendering position.
She moved her wand between him and Blaise before giving up with a grunt. “Ugh.” She turned with her hair whipping around as she took off after Ron.
“Gods she is so fucking hot.” Theo admired her as she ran away.
“You think if she runs fast enough her skirt will flip up and we could see her arse?”
“Salazar, I hope so.”
——
“Transfiguration is more than just transforming objects. It’s creative.” She flourished her wand and sparkles came out of the end. “Don’t we all deserve a little creativity?”
Hermione had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Their new Professor- Esmeralda Kilgore- was talking to them like they were 5 years old.
“Fuck yeah, we do.” Ron groaned adjusting his trousers.
Oh, she was also incredibly attractive . She had wild black curls that looked like everything Hermione wanted her hair to be. She also had blue eyes that contrasted beautifully against her chocolate brown skin. She was objectively gorgeous and all the men- correction boys - had noticed within the first three seconds of opening the door.
“Do you want to at least try to hide your boner from your girlfriend?” She bit out from his side.
“Why would I do that? It’s not like my girlfriend wants to help my boners now does she?”
“You’re a complete and total arse, Ron Weasley.”
“Don’t get mad at me because you have no sex drive.” She heard snickering and turned around to see Pansy Parkinson laughing into her hand.
“Excuse me children,” Professor Kilgore called out from her lecture post “Just what is so funny?”
Parkinson made eye contact with her for a split second and Hermione’s stomach sank.
“Sorry Professor, I just heard something funny.”
“Would you care to share it with the class Miss Parkinson?”
Dread. Just absolute dread.
“Ron can’t hold an erection.”
Hermione blinked and then blinked again as the chaos took hold around her.
“That’s not true!” Ron shouted standing up and looking at Pansy.
“Hey don’t shoot the messenger.” She said with a shrug leaning back.
“Hermione has no sex drive!” The red-headed twit called out in defense.
Hermione saw red. Maybe it was Ron’s head being bashed into the table. That would cheer her up.
The swarm of emotions took hold of her. Anger and betrayal were the biggest two though that didn’t explain the tears threatening to fall down her face- ah embarrassment.
“Alright alright, that is enough!” The teacher shouted although Hermione was certain she heard Theo through the noise.
“Oh no! Tell me it's not true!” In a dramatic cry.
She heard Lavender's voice, “Well Ron never had a problem when we dated that’s for sure.”
“I always knew she’d be a prude.” Came another voice she didn’t know as the teacher tried and tried to shush the class.
It was too much. The tears came before she allowed them. She grabbed her bag and ran out of the room.
Fuck this. Fuck Ron. God she was going to kill him. Positively murder him. How fucking dare he! She ran until she reached the room of requirement. When she finally stepped inside she was met with a wooden dummy. She threw her books down and immediately started her duel.
They got increasingly harder and more and more dummies as she worked out her frustration. Rolling to avoid hexes and sprinting to duck for cover. After what felt like hours of her running and fighting. The room changed into a bathroom. She was soaked with sweat after hours of rage fighting. She took the room's lead grabbing a shower and putting a cleaning spell on her clothes. When she walked out of the room four hours later than when she entered she went straight to her room. Ignoring Harry who tried to stop her and apologize on Ron’s behalf.
She climbed into her room ignoring Lavender and Parvati. She closed her curtains and put up the strongest silencing spell she could before she let herself break down.
How did they get here? Would he have always done that? Sell her out for his own benefit? She had spent the last seven years thinking that they would have her back no matter what and the minute the war was over he humiliated her in front of the whole class. What kind of twisted shit was that?!
No sex drive, the words bounced around in her head. Maybe she didn’t have a sex drive. She certainly didn’t enjoy herself anytime that Ron would get turned on and heated.
God, how was she going to have a husband if she hated sex? But that wasn’t true. She enjoyed the silence that came from getting herself off. Surely she had to like sex. Did she? Oh god.
She got herself off with one last resounding middle finger to Ron before she went to bed.