Archive of Our Own

Sand was convinced he’d died in a blaze of glory by the time he was 22. Maybe a mission would go wrong and he’d be shot, and this time there would be no surgery to save him. Suffice it to say, he never saw himself playing guitar and being the lead singer at a tiny but lively bar at 24. 

“You never smoked much before,” Namcheum mentioned while leaning against the back wall of Yo’s bar. 

Sand flipped her off but didn’t respond.

There wasn’t any rhyme or reason for choosing the name Sand, he had changed his name once before and there was no method to his madness for his name change then, so why would there be now? For Namcheum, choosing her name took a bit of time; she had wanted to stick with a name that started with the letter N. Sand felt like Namcheum suited her better than Namo. Still, he didn’t know if telling her that would make her happy or if she would punch him in the face.  

“You gonna stay for the show?”

“I always do!” She gasped, holding a hand to her heart. “I’m bringing my friends with me this time.”

Namcheum had an easier time making friends than Sand did. Yok was social and could talk with everyone, but he wasn’t him anymore. 

“Are they single?” He asked half-joking. 

She nodded. “But I doubt any of them are your type.”

Sand laughed and walked away, stubbing his cigarette out on the pavement. 

While performing, Sand never noticed any faces. They blurred together, and Sand could never figure out why that was. 

When his show ended, he leaned against the nearest wall in a quiet hallway. Sand gazed at his green wristband and debated removing it; he was tired and didn’t know how desperately he wanted to take a stranger home, even if it had been a while since he’d slept with anyone. He set his guitar down and fidgeted with the wristband, he began taking it off when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He felt the hairs on his arm stand and, for a moment, he saw himself in a hospital gown on the rocky pavement watching his friend run away from armed men. That only lasted a second, and before he came to his senses, he was shoved into the nearest wall and punched square in the face.

Akk would’ve frozen in fear; Yok would’ve fought back. But he wasn’t either of them anymore. Instead, he touched his cheek, which was sure to be bruising by now and stared at his attacker. While it was dark, far too dark to make out any of the fine details of his attacker, he saw enough to make his heart drop. 

“Been a while,” his attacker said, and all Sand could do was stare. “You’re the singer Cheum went on about.”

“Kan…”

Sand watched Kan take a step back and scoff. He was taller now and much broader and sadder. Akk, the person who shared all of his secrets with the man in front of him, would’ve screamed and demanded an answer for the sudden assault. Yok would’ve punched him in the face and only asked questions when he calmed down. But Sand had more of a mouth on him than they did.

So he straightened his shoulders and forced himself to smile, even if it pained him. “Is that any way to treat an old friend?”

He watched as Kan reeled back for another punch, but Sand had years of fighting under his belt and knew how to dodge it easily. Kan let out a breath, his fists still balled. The two stared at each other, and while Sand wanted Kan to simply walk away and the two would never speak or think of this again, that thought also made him want to puke.

“What?” Kan scoffed. “Leaving wasn’t enough for you, and now you have to show your–” he shoved Sand’s shoulders–”fucking face back up here?!”

Sand stared at him and thought about telling him that Namcheum met him when he was at the garage, but he also didn’t want to be punched in the face again. “I work here, jackass.”

Kan shook his head, his fists were clenched. “Of course you do.”

“Go find another fucking bar if you don’t wanna see me again.”

“We will,” Kan paused and looked over Sand from head to toe, “don’t let Aye see you.”

At his words, Sand felt his knees go weak, he felt his heart stop, and he was close to passing out. It felt like a year before Sand could find his voice. 

“He’s here?” Kan continued to stare at him before he turned to walk away. He hadn’t gotten very far before Sand grabbed him by the shoulder. “Kan! Answer me!”

He spun around. “It’s Boston! My name is Boston.”

Sand stepped back, waiting to see if Boston would say anything else. 

“He goes by Ray now. If you ever fucking see him and call him Ayan, he’ll fucking kill you.” Boston tipped his head back and spat on Sand’s shoes, and he didn’t even have time to react before Boston continued speaking. “Stay the fuck away from us.”

He walked past Sand. The two bumped shoulders, and the force pushed back Sand. If it weren’t for the throbbing pain in his face, Sand would’ve sworn that was a bad dream. 

“Asshole,” he cursed the air. He ripped his wristband off and was sure he stepped on it as he went to the bathroom.

Sand stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and cursed his reflection. Namcheum would have a field day with him when she saw his face; he resigned himself to his fate. Kan wasn’t someone who would ever resort to violence. He tries to think of what he was like in high school and realized he only ever saw him mad a handful of times. He supposed that it made sense, that wasn’t Kan who he saw, it was Boston. However, Sand couldn’t be one to judge, Akk wouldn’t behave like Sand. When he stepped back, he reflected on what had just happened and realized he would keep his head low for the rest of the night and store the memories of this night in the darkest corner of his mind. That was for the best, after all. 

When he went to the bathroom stalls, he saw someone step out. It was then that he was sure the universe and everything in it had it out for him. The anxiety he felt in the back of the van, bag over his head and all, paled compared to staring him in the eyes. The two didn’t say anything for a long while, and he looked drunk but sober enough to stand up straight and stare into his eyes. For a moment, Sand wished the man before him didn’t know who he was, but that was wishful thinking, and he knew it. 

He couldn’t be the one to break the silence.

“I was hoping not to run into you.”

His words shattered the silence Sand was desperate to keep. But now the seal was broken, and he had to say something, anything. But he couldn’t. What exactly was he supposed to say to the man before him? Sand would like to say that he rehearsed this moment a million and one times, but he didn’t. He tried not to think of him and meeting him again.

The person before him wasn’t Ayan, it was Ray. And the person he was wasn’t Akk, it was Sand.  

“Hi.”

Ray closed his eyes and let a breath out of his nose. “That’s it?”

There was so much Sand wanted to say to the person who smelled of vomit and alcohol, the person who he loved more than life. The person who hung the stars. But his body was shaking, and the words he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs died on his lips.

Ray started to walk past Sand and stumbled against the wall. Sand put his hand out to steady Ray, but the look Ray sent his way made Sand freeze in place. 

“Sorry,” Sand mumbled.

“Didn’t know you wanted to be a singer,” Ray said, his words slurred, and his gaze started to unfocus. “Guess there was a lot I didn’t know about you.” Ray laughed despite the frown on his face.

All he could do was stare at Ray, thinking about the last time he saw him sleeping soundly in their bed. He was a coward and left with a simple note. He couldn’t even say goodbye to him. For a long moment, it felt like it was just the two of them, and Sand wasn’t sure if he loved or hated the feeling. 

“It’s been what? Five years?”

Sand swallowed, his throat was dry. “Six.”

Ray nodded. “Six years.”

The note hadn’t been long, either. It was maybe one page of telling him how sorry he was and how he’ll always love Ayan. Sand remembered the pen smudging through his tears.

“Ray!” Someone exclaimed, reminding Sand that the world still existed. Someone came to Ray’s side and held onto his arms. “Are you okay?”

He had glasses on, much like the ones White would wear. Sand felt himself shiver.

Ray nodded.

The friend looked at Sand, smiled, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry if he caused you any trouble, he's really drunk.”

Ray laughed and it sounded natural. “I’m not.”

All of his attention was on his friend. The two left without sending Sand another look. The bathroom was vacant; even if there were others, Sand wouldn’t have noticed them. He wanted to scream, cry, punch a mirror, but he remained still. The past six years rushed back, and Sand held onto his torso where the scar from the bullet was. If he had been any braver, he would’ve run to him and maybe tried to explain himself. But cowardness was the thing that stuck with him through all of his identity changes. 

And Sand was willing to never see them again; he would quit his job if he had to, explain everything to Namcheum, and maybe she would find it in herself to forgive Sand. He grabbed his bike keys and left the bar, telling his band members he would go home early.

Desperately, he wanted to call Namcheum and ask her where she met Ray, but he didn’t know if he could get through the call without crying.

When Sand left the bar, he was again met with the sight of Ray. Ray, who was behind the wheel of an expensive car. Ray, who looked like he was three seconds away from passing out, couldn't maintain a grip on the steering wheel. His eyes were closed, and he was snoring off and on, but Sand could tell he was still determined to drive. He had parked next to Sand. Of course he had. 

Against his better judgment, he walked over to the car and knocked on the window. Ray perked up but his smile dropped when he saw Sand. He rolled the window down slightly, and Sand watched his eyes close slowly. 

“And to what do I owe the,” Ray hiccuped and took a long moment to reply, “pleasure?”

Sand sighed. “You’re drunk.”

Ray nodded. 

“You can’t drive.”

“Sure I can!” Ray turned the ignition on, and Sand ripped open the door without thinking. 

“You can’t fucking drive!”

“Why not?!” Ray yelled but it sounded more like a whine.

“Because you’ll fucking kill someone, dumbass!”

“I’ve driven home drunk before!”

Sand rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t make it any better.”

Ray reached for the door. “Just leave me alone.”

Sand smacked his hand away. “At least sleep it off a bit before driving.”

Ray frowned at him. “Why should I listen to you?”

Sand chose his words carefully. “Because I’m the one who’s actually sober.”

Ray moved to close the door again, and Sand went to drag him out of the car. Thankfully, besides the groaning and whining, Ray didn’t complain much when Sand practically threw him into the passenger's seat.

At least I’ll finally be able to say I drove a nice car.

“Where do you live?” Sand asked.

Ray snorted. “Don’t act like you’ve never been to my house.”

That house was several hours away from Yo’s bar.

“I assume you moved?” Sand asked, even though the question was obvious.

“I did,” Ray yawned.

Sand gripped the steering wheel and did his best to keep his voice calm and steady. “So, where do you live now?”

Ray pointed to the road. 

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question.”

Ray rested his head against the window and muttered something, but it was so muffled that Sand didn’t bother trying to make sense of it. It didn’t take long for Ray to start snoring.

Before he could second guess himself, Sand pulled out of the parking lot toward his apartment. He tried to rationalize his actions; the only thing he could think to justify anything was that maybe, just maybe, this might clear his stained conscience. He was about to ask Ray something, knowing full well he wouldn’t get a reply when his phone started buzzing. 

“Hello?”

“Sand!” Namcheum’s voice rang in his ear. “I loved your show!”

Sand knew her well enough to know she was drunk.

Despite the shitty night he's had and the pain on his face, he smiled. “Thank you.”

“Did you meet any of my friends?”

He gazed at Ray and debated on telling her the truth, but he knew that would cause too many questions. “No, sorry.”

“Oh no!” He knew she was pouting, and he chuckled. 

“Sorry, I can’t really talk right now.”

She gasped. “Are you bringing someone home?!”

Ray snored loudly.

“You could say that.”

There were many ways Sand had spent his nights: Sometimes, he would be sound asleep in the tiny apartment he shared with his mom on a mattress with no frame; other nights were spent outside staking out a building. And before all of that, his nights were spent with Ayan in his arms. Those were his favorite nights, even if he tried not to think about them anymore. Never had he spent a night dragging his ex-boyfriend up a flight of stairs just to have them puke violently in his toilet.

“I guess there’s a first time for everything,” he said out loud, he knew the sounds of Ray’s dry heaving would silence him.

It took what felt like hours of Sand sitting on his cold bathroom floor for Ray to finally stop vomiting. Ray wailed loudly and held his stomach. Sand passed him a bottle of water but Ray just shoved it away, and Sand didn’t have the energy to care or fight him. 

Slowly, Ray leaned his head on the toilet seat. He looked at Sand as though he actually knew where he was. And just like before, Sand couldn’t be the one to break the silence. 

“Are you…” Ray started to speak but stopped abruptly and Sand was worried he’d start puking again. But he didn’t. Instead, he looked at Sand like he couldn’t believe what he saw. “Are you gonna leave me again?”

Sand wanted to say no, that he would never leave him again. But he also didn’t want to lie again, he didn’t think his sanity could take it. Sand didn’t know if that question was genuine or just the ramblings of a drunk man. 

It didn’t matter anyway, Ray fell asleep, his cheek pressed against the toilet seat. 

“What happened to you?” 

But Sand knew he was in no position to ask that.

He hauled him upright and slung Ray’s arm around his shoulder. Ray mumbled something, his head hanging at an awkward angle. Once again, Sand resigned himself to his fate of having Ray plastered to his side. He almost dropped Ray onto the couch and winced at the sound he made, but before he had any time to apologize, Ray slumped over, fast asleep. He wanted to get Ray a change of clothes, something cleaner than a shirt with vomit and beer stains. But he couldn’t do that; he had lost his right to touch Ray like that a long time ago. 

While he slept, Sand noticed how calm he looked. He still reminded Sand of the boy he knew in high school, the one who made it his life’s goal to annoy Sand. At the time, Sand thought his life wouldn’t get any worse, that he would be confined to high school and the things he had done. Then he looked down at Ray and Sand touched the bullet wound scar. He remembered the blinding pain of getting shot, how everything went blurry, how the blood stained his hands. He wondered what Ray would think if he told him that. 

Sand didn’t sleep that night.

Before he realized it, the sun crept through the living room and he was faced with a new day. He watched Ray sound asleep, his face hidden in the armrest. Sand had seen him like this before, when they were younger, and Ray 

Ayan

 spent too many hours studying. There was nothing Sand 

Akk 

could do to wake him up, so he would cover him under a blanket and rub his back. 

He decided it was best for Ray to wake up on his own. He eventually did, it was a little past nine in the morning when Sand watched him blearily blink and push himself up. 

Ray was calmer than Sand imagined. He looked around Sand’s apartment but he didn’t seem surprised; instead he looked sad. But Sand was sure that was just the hangover setting in. Standing, he looked like he was waiting for Sand to say something. No matter how hard Sand tried to muster up something, his words died on his lips.

It seemed like Ray figured out Sand would stay silent because he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“Why am I here?” His voice sounded dry, and Sand handed him the cup of water without looking at him. He didn’t thank Sand, but he didn’t expect him to. 

“How much do you remember?”

Ray finished his water. “Enough. You didn’t answer my question.”

“You were drunk.”

Surprisingly, Ray laughed, but Sand knew it wasn’t genuine. “I usually am. So what? You brought me back to your place?”

Suddenly, Sand felt like he was on trial. He supposed he deserved to be. “I couldn’t just let you drive.”

Ray gazed at him like he was trying to figure something out. “Why not?”

Sand threw his arms in the air despite how childish it felt. “What do you mean ‘why not ’?”

Ray cocked his eyebrow. 

Sand huffed. “Because you would’ve died!” Ray didn’t respond to his words. He didn’t show any reaction at all. “You wouldn’t give me your address.”

Ray merely hummed.

“I didn’t know what else to do.”

Ray watched him and Sand felt like he was looking right through him. “I didn’t either.”

Despite their height difference, Sand felt like Ray was looking down on him. 

“Is there anything else you wanna say to me?”

Any confidence Sand had built up over the hours died. He stood still, looking at the ground. 

“Thank you for bringing me here. I’ll see myself out,” he paused briefly, “Sand.”

Just like that, Ray left, and Sand just stood there and watched him leave. Ray lingered when he reached the door and Sand didn’t know if he should say something, so he didn’t. And even though Ray didn’t slam the door, the sound still echoed violently in Sand’s head. Ray had walked out on him, just like he had done six years ago. His stomach felt empty and heavy at the same time, his head started to ache, and his body felt cold. For a moment, Sand wondered if this was what Ray felt when he woke up, expecting his boyfriend to be there. 

Although his bed wasn’t far away and he so desperately wanted to curl into a ball and shut his mind off, the world kept turning, and Sand had things he needed to do today.  He thought about his rent due in a week and slung his bag of homemade wine over his shoulder. His anxieties and guilt could be pushed to the side, he had been doing that for years now, anyway. He would go about his day and not think about the last twelve hours despite every minute of it circling his mind. He would put on a smile. He would understand that he would never see Ray again because that’s what Ray had wanted.

The universe had other plans for him, as it usually did. 

A ghost from his past snuck up on him for the third time in twenty-four hours. This time, however, it happened in the parking lot. When he exited the bar, he saw Ray standing beside his bike. 

“Wine?” He asked. “You’re selling fucking wine?”

Sand could do nothing but stare at him. He had seen more of Ray in the past day than he ever thought he would for the rest of his life. “Were you…” Sand paused, his mind attempting to catch up with the situation. “Were you fucking following me?”

Ray huffed. “You’re not the one to be asking me questions.”

Sand could hardly believe anything that was going on. “So sorry for having questions when I found out my ex-boyfriend was stalking me.”

Ray’s mouth fell open for a moment. “Ex-boyfriend, really? Is that all I am to you? You didn’t even have the fucking guts to break up with me. No, no, you fucking left me with a note. And I wasn’t stalking you,” Ray rolled his eyes, “I saw you sneaking around and wanted to know what my,” he threw up air quotes, “‘ex-boyfriend’ was up to. Just to find out,” Ray grabbed Sand’s bag and sifted through it, “he was selling wine.”

Sand snatched the bag back. “It’s not exactly legal, is it? I have bills to pay.”

Ray scoffed. “So what? You trade one crime for another?”

The words struck a chord in Sand’s heart. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I think I do.”

“And what exactly do you think you know?”

“I know enough about you to–”

“–you don’t know anything about me!” Sand yelled. He saw Ray’s eyes widen and suddenly wished he could take the words back. When Sand turned to leave, he felt the familiar feeling of guilt crawl up his throat. 

“So what?” Ray called towards Sand and he stopped despite his mind screaming to just keep walking. “You’re just gonna leave again?”

The same feeling of guilt now boiled, Sand felt his fists clench. “I didn’t think we had anything else to talk about.”

“Who said that?”

Sand sighed and turned back around to face Ray. “I didn’t exactly get the impression you wanted to talk to me anymore.”

Ray raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms against the brick wall. “Who said that?” He asked again.

“Well, do you?”

Sand knew his anger was coming from a place of fear, that’s how it usually went, anyway. Still, he couldn’t stop his voice from rising even if he knew he wasn’t the one who should be angry.

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“And what do you want?”

Ray paused and if Sand looked hard enough, he would see that Ray had tears in his eyes. “I wanted to know if you were okay.”

Sand wanted to say something kind, something to diffuse the situation, but the bitterness in his mind won. “And why exactly do you care?”

Ray’s eyes narrowed. “Because I don’t just drop off the face of the Earth and act like I didn’t leave everything behind. Because I still care.”

Sand’s hands began to shake as he unclenched them. He hugged his bag closer to himself. “Well, you shouldn’t.”

Once again, Ray scoffed. “I can’t just stop caring. I’m not like you.”

Suddenly, Sand was eighteen again, writing his note under the light of his phone’s flashlight to not wake his boyfriend up.

Sand felt tears wash over his eyes. “I never stopped caring.”

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“It sure doesn’t seem like that.”

“I drove you to my place when you were too drunk to even stand, let alone fucking drive! Of course I care!”

Something snapped in Ray’s eyes. He stepped forward and Sand took a step back without realizing. “And then what? What, Sand? You were just gonna let me walk out the door and never fucking see me again?!”

“I thought that’s what you wanted!”

Ray took another step forward and jabbed his index finger into Sand’s chest. “And did you, for one fucking second, ever ask if that’s what I wanted? Ever?”

At the implications of his words, Sand felt his body freeze up for a second. His heart hammered in his throat. He gazed around the empty parking lot, begging for something to keep his attention. He prayed the ground would open and swallow him whole.

Tears slipped down Ray’s face as he shook his head. “No… you didn’t. You never fucking did. You just left. And now you’re leaving again.” 

“I just…” Sand paused, all confidence left him. “I just didn’t wanna upset you anymore.”

Ray laughed. His tears continued falling, and Sand felt his heart breaking. “Well,” he sniffled, “job well-fucking-done, Sand.”

The anger that ran through Sand was misplaced, and he knew that, of course he knew that. 

“Then what do you want from me?”

“I just wanted to fucking talk to you!”

“About what?!”

“What the fuck do you think, Sand?! Maybe the fact that I haven’t fucking seen you in six years! Maybe, just fucking maybe, I wanted to talk about how you just left me! With a fucking note of all things,” Ray stopped mid-sentence, he turned away and Sand saw him wiping his eyes. “I never even got a proper apology.”

“I…” Sand wanted to say something, to defend himself. But he knew there was nothing he could say that would fix anything. That realization hurt more than he could have thought. 

“I never even got to hug you goodbye. I should hate you.”

Then why don’t you?

Sand wouldn’t blame Ray if he hated him.

An apology hung on Sand’s lips, but he knew that Ray wouldn’t see it that way no matter how genuine it was. All he could do was watch as Ray, the person who he swore he would grow old with, cried so loudly it echoed through the city. And as he watched, all Sand could think about was the fact that he had done this to Ray. He had broken him. 

When he stopped crying, Ray finally spoke again. “I want a proper conversation.”

Sand nodded because he would do just about anything to stop Ray from crying again.

“Then let’s go,” Ray said, his voice wavered. 

“Where?”

Ray could answer with some place half across the world and Sand would follow.

“To my house. You owe me a proper conversation, not one in a shitty parking lot.”

“Yeah,” Sand noticed his shoulders felt less tense, “yeah, okay.”

They walked in silence to Ray’s car, and Sand didn’t think twice about leaving his bike behind. He was still angry at Ray; angry that he confronted him, angry that he brushed past him in the bathroom, angry that he decided to see Sand again. But Sand knew that whatever anger he held in his heart, Ray’s was worse. And he knew that whatever anger slept in Ray’s heart, the anger Sand had for himself would forever be greater. 

The silence lingered while they drove and, for once, Sand found himself wanting to be the first to speak. He looked over at Ray and watched the stray hairs on his head flow in the humid wind. Not even the cars flying past them could break the silence between them.

Sand swallowed, gathering up whatever courage was left in him. “This is a nice car.”

Ray hummed. “It is. My mom bought it for me.”

“How’s she doing?”

“She’s dead,” Ray answered simply. 

Sand’s breath hitched, and the hairs on his neck stood up. “Oh…”

It took a while for Ray to say anything. “It happened a few years ago. Before I met Namcheum.”

Sand found it odd that he picked her name out of all his other friends, but he didn’t know if asking any questions was safe. 

Ray continued: “She killed herself.”

“I–”

“–I know. I know what you wanna say, but please don’t. I don’t want any more apologies. I don’t wanna think about them right now.”

Them.

Two of Ray’s family members had taken their lives. Sand felt sick to his stomach.

“Okay,” was all Sand could manage to say. 

“Thank you,” Ray said and it sounded genuine, and for some reason, Sand hated that it did.

They stayed quiet for the rest of the ride. Not the type of quiet someone could be comfortable in, but the type of quiet that existed in a funeral. No one decided to break the silence. 

Sand thought some kind of joke was being played on him when Ray pulled into his driveway. There was no one the person who he knew could ever afford a place this nice. 

“You live here?” Sand asked, he was sure Ray would tell him he took him to some fancy hotel. 

Instead, he simply nodded. When he got one foot out of the car, he turned back to Sand. “You coming?”

The rest of his house wasn’t any less beautiful, the living room was the size of his apartment’s parking lot. However, the extensive collection of vinyl records that almost stretched from wall to wall caught Sand's attention the most. Suddenly, Ray appeared by his side with a glass of whiskey. 

“They were my mom’s, you can look through them if you want,” he said simply. 

Sand hadn’t realized he was waiting for permission until Ray spoke. He sifted through the records. “She had good taste.” He commented because it was true and because he didn’t want any more silence between them.

Ray smiled and Sand hoped it was real. “She did.”

Ray reached blindly for an album and placed it on the record player. Sand could tell the song from the first few notes. Time After Time. 

“Cyndi Lauper?”

Ray nodded, a small smile played on his lips. “This was her favorite song.”

The two stood side by side, but they didn’t touch, and Sand felt like this was the closest he’d been to someone in years. 

“I never thought we’d be here,” Ray said, his voice was soft but Sand still heard him clearly.

“Me neither.”

“I imagined it, though. Us meeting. Countless times. Did you?” Ray asked calmly.

How was Sand supposed to tell him that he simply couldn’t think about meeting him again, that every single time he thought of him, he would cry and shake uncontrollably? 

“I tried to think about you being happy.”

Ray simply hummed.

“How did it usually go… when you imagined it?” Sand asked because any amount of silence was killing him.

Ray smirked but still didn’t take his eyes off the record player. “Most of the time, it started and ended with me punching you.”

Sand couldn’t help but smile. “I would’ve deserved it.”

Ray shrugged. “Maybe. But it wouldn’t have solved anything.”

“Are you still angry? You should be.” Sand asked while doing anything to avoid looking at Ray, he was too scared to see his reaction. 

Ray felt his eye bore into his neck. “Confused? Yes. Sad? Yes. But angry? No. I stopped feeling angry a long time ago.”

“Why?”

“I had no one there to be angry at. You were gone, and I got tired of screaming, hoping you would scream back one day. It was like screaming into the void and expecting the void to scream back. It was useless.”

Sand still couldn’t look at him. “You should hate me.”

“I don’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know how to hate you.”

“It should be pretty easy.”

There was a long pause. The song ended, and the two were thrown into a harsh silence. It made Sand’s skin itch.

“Make it easy for me then.”

Sand glanced at him for a second. “What?”

“Make it easy and answer this for me,” Ray paused, his breath hitched and Sand was scared that if he looked at Ray again, he’d see him crying. He didn’t think he could handle seeing that again. “Did you miss me?”

“Did I– what?” Sand was sure he had misheard him. Of course, he had missed Ray. He missed him the way someone missed a blanket in the cold. Did Ray really believe that Sand had just moved on? 

Ray took a breath, it sounded shaky. “Look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Please.”

When Sand managed to look at Ray and hold eye contact, it killed him inside to see the tear stains on his face. 

“Did you miss me?”

Sand couldn’t find the words in him. 

“Do you know what it was like to wake up alone?”

Sand shook his head.

“It was the worst day of my life. I had never felt so lost. So please, Sand,” Ray sniffled, “answer me. Did you miss me?”

What was Sand supposed to say? Was he supposed to beg for forgiveness? He would if Ray asked. 

“I mean…” Ray started to cry again and Sand felt his own eyes well up. “I mean what the fuck was I supposed to do? You just left. Why?” 

Too many words, explanations, and excuses ran through Sand’s mind. He wanted to run away, but his feet were glued to the ground.

“Did you miss me, Sand?” 

Ray’s voice broke off at the end of his sentence and Sand felt his hands begin to shake. He tried to remember leaving that night and how Ray –Ayan– slept soundly. But it happened so long ago and he tried to block out that night so many times that it was like watching the memory through muddy water. 

In the years since he’d left, Sand had tried so hard to block out any traces of his old life, but his mind always wandered back to his home, sleeping soundly on the bed, hair tousled, thinking that Akk would be there in the morning. How was he supposed to show how much he missed him? He could simply answer with a short yes, but that wouldn’t do justice to what the pain of missing him felt like. No amount of words Sand could say could express how a part of Sand died when he left. 

Sand gripped the hem of his shirt and held his breath as he tossed it over his head and onto the floor. Ray gasped.

On his right shoulder blade, the inked design of the necklace Ray– Ayan– wore was embedded into his skin. He heard a crash and glass spreading around the floor. For a moment, he thought it was a gunshot. Sand spun around and looked at Ray, making sure he wasn’t hurt. He saw that Ray had dropped his whiskey glass. 

Sand let himself cry. “I missed you so much that I forgot how to breathe.”

“Holy shit…”

“I never stopped missing you.”

“Sand…”

“I saw you in everything. Every flower, every sunset, every person. Missing you was the only thing I felt every second… for six years.”

Ray took a long moment to reply, Sand could see questions swimming in his eyes. “Then… why did you leave? Was it because of me?”

“No,” Sand replied and wiped his eyes. “It was never because of you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I spent so long thinking it was me who made you leave.”

“Never. Not for a single second.”

“Then why?” 

To save the world. 

To make a difference. 

To try and help people.

To be brave.

“I was scared.”

Scared of what? Sand wasn’t so sure.

“Sand…”

Sand fell to his knees and cried until his eyes were in pain, and his head started to pound. He heard Ray walk over to him slowly and kneel next to him. Gently, he wrapped his arms around Sand; the touch made Sand cry harder, something he didn’t think was possible. 

“You’re okay.”

It felt so wrong to have Ray be the one comforting him, not after everything he did to him. He didn’t deserve to have Ray’s arms wrapped around him.

“I just left you with a note.”

Sand’s words were so muffled he wasn’t even sure if he said them at all. 

“I know.”

“I left you.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Ray kissed him softly on the shoulder, on the same side with the tattoo of a sun and moon, his first ever tattoo. He was drunk when he got that tattoo, drunk and lonely.

“I missed you.”

Ray kissed his shoulder again. “I know.”

Sand’s sobs subsided and he finally felt like he could speak more than ten words at a time. He lifted his head from his arms; he was sure his eyes were bright red and the bruise on his cheek was a deep blue and purple. However, Ray stared at him as though he was looking past all of that, and Sand wasn’t so sure what exactly Ray saw in him that kept him staring, that kept him next to Sand. 

“Did Boston do that to you?”

Ray touched Sand’s cheek; although it stung, he didn’t flinch. Sand nodded and watched as Ray’s expression turned into a pout. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I deserved it.”

Ray shook his head. “He shouldn’t have done that to you.”

Sand had so many questions for Ray. So many things didn’t make sense: why did he live in this house, where did the rest of his high school friends go, why did he change his name? 

Sand wanted to say he’d been hurt worse, but he didn’t know how Ray would react. 

“It didn’t hurt that bad.”

Ray smiled, not one of his smiles that would light up the room, but it was still a smile and Sand felt like it was a victory. Sand smiled, too. 

“He would’ve given you a black eye if it were any higher.”

Once again, Ray touched the bruise and stroked his face. 

“It would’ve matched my jacket.”

Ray chuckled and wiped the tear stains from Sand’s face.

“I don’t like seeing you cry. I never liked it.”

Something happened to Sand’s heart that reminded him of when he first met Ray, back when he was Ayan. He didn’t know what to make of that. He didn’t know how to reply, and thankfully, he didn’t need to because Ray stood up and held a hand out for Sand. He pulled him up and didn’t let go of his hand.

“You got taller.”

Ray gazed down and it was then that Sand noticed he was still shirtless, suddenly he felt a chill go down his spine. Ray pointed at his stomach, and Sand noticed he was looking at the scar that still lingered there. Even though it was only about the size of his thumb, some days it was all Sand could see.

“What happened?”

The words got caught in Sand’s throat. Ray looked back up at Sand and it was impossible for Sand to look at anything but his eyes. 

“I don’t think you wanna know.”

Ray simply nodded. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Suddenly, Sand felt guilty, even though he knew that was irrational. He desperately wanted to let Ray know about that part of his life, and just as desperately, he wanted to hide it from him all the same.

“I was shot,” he blurted out before realizing what he was saying.

Ray gasped and stepped back; his mouth opened and closed several times. “What?”

Sand found his discarded shirt and put it back on. “I was shot,” he repeated, even though he knew that didn’t help. “It happened a few years back.”

Ray gazed back down and even though Sand was fully clothed, he still felt as naked as the day he was born. He reached out and held Sand’s hand and he felt like crying. 

“You have a lot to catch me up on.”

Sand’s next words tumbled out of him before he could stop himself. “Why?”

Why was the only word he could muster. 

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you hate me?”

A hint of a smile danced on Ray’s lips. “I already answered that. I don’t know how to hate you.”

When Sand didn’t reply, Ray let out a soft sigh. He stared at Sand for a long while, still holding his hands as gently as ever. For a moment, Sand felt like he could pretend he was eighteen again cuddling with Ayan, his head in his neck and they laughed. But of course, that was only a memory.

“I don’t hate you for the same reason you left.”

Out of all the things Sand expected him to say, that was never one of them. 

Sand tilted his head to the side. “What?”

“I was scared,” Ray paused and Sand didn’t dare say anything; he was scared that if he spoke now, Ray would never say anything again. “I was scared I’d never see you again. I don’t… I don’t want to let you go again. I had to know if you missed me as much as I missed you.”

Tears welled in Sand’s eyes again and as soon as they fell, Ray was right there with his free hand to wipe them away. 

“I don’t fully forgive you,” Ray said barely above a whisper, “and I don’t know when I will, but I want you to stay in my life until I do, and long after that.”

As much as Ray didn’t look and act like Ayan did, he could still see echoes of him in his eyes and lips. Sand still knew the man before him and the parts he didn’t recognize he would learn and care for all over again. 

“I missed you so much, Sand.”

Ray pulled Sand into a hug and suddenly the world stopped spinning and Sand knew how to breathe again. 

“You’re back,” Ray said breathlessly. 

Sand ran a hand through his hair because he needed to feel every inch of him. 

“I won’t leave you again.”

He felt Ray smile on his neck. “I know.”

When Ray pulled back, he stared at Sand like he found the answer he was looking for.  

“Can I kiss you?”

Sand’s heart raced so fast he was worried Ray would see it.

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You want to?”

Ray chuckled and moved his hands and now his arms moved around his neck. “I’ll always want to kiss you.”

“It won’t be like before.”

“I know.”

“Ray…”

Ray moved closer, and their lips were inches from each other. “Yes?”

“This doesn’t feel real.”

“Do you wanna stop?”

Sand smiled. “God, no.”

“Then kiss me.”

And Sand did. He felt his body light up; his arms moved to snake around Ray’s waist, and he pulled Ray flush against his body. One of Ray’s hands moved and he ran his fingers through Sand’s hair and he shivered. They hadn’t been kissing long and Sand swore he hadn’t felt like this in years. As they broke apart, Ray continued to bite Sand’s lip, and he almost wished Ray had bit deep enough to draw blood. The two of them were panting in each other’s mouths. 

Sand watched the smile on Ray’s face, it was slow at first, the corners of his mouth inching up slowly, then it blossomed so brightly it made Sand smile as well.  

Ray pulled him into a hug and buried his face into Sand’s neck. He felt his neck get wet and Sand suddenly panicked. 

“Are you crying?” He asked still hugging Ray.

Ray nodded. 

“Are you okay?”

Ray nodded again and he said something, but it was too quiet for Sand to hear, even if the rest of the world had gone quiet long ago.

“What?”

He felt Ray laugh more than he heard him.

“I said,” Ray started. He lifted his head, and Sand missed his warmth, “I said I still know you.”

Sand frowned and tilted his head to the side.

Ray smiled again and Sand felt his heart ache. “I still know you. I was worried you’d have changed too much for me to recognize you.”

“I feel like I have.”

Ray shook his head and put his hand on Sand’s cheek. “You haven’t. I still know you.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I might not know everything that happened to you in the last six years, but I know you.”

Sand suddenly held Ray’s face in his hands. “I never stopped loving you, Ray. Please believe me. You have to believe me. Please.”

Ray caressed his cheek in his hand. “I do. I never stopped loving you either.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know how to not love you.”

“Ray–” Sand started to say but Ray cut him off by kissing him with the same urgency Sand had. 

“You talk too much.”

And Sand couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. “You’re the one that invited me here to talk.”

“And we did,” replied Ray

“I thought we were having a romantic moment?”

“We were,” replied Ray.

“I think we have a few more things to talk about,” Sand said, though he couldn’t keep the smile off his face because Ray was looking at him with those eyes.

Ray stepped closer so that their bodies were touching once more. Sand’s breath caught in his throat. “Unless you plan on leaving again any time soon, we have all the time in the world to continue talking.”

While his tone was playful, Sand could hear the insecurity lining his words. 

“I’m not leaving.”

“Great!” Ray smiled and Sand felt his heart jump. “Now, would it be too forward if I asked you to fuck me?”

Sand’s heart stopped. “Ray!”

“What?” Ray replied in the same tone.

“Not three hours ago, we were arguing in a parking lot, and now you wanna sleep with me?”

Ray’s expression didn’t change, he still seemed relaxed. “That was before. When I thought you hated me.”

“And now?”

“Now? Now, I wanna be with you. I told you, I want you to stay with me until I’ve learned to forgive you fully...” Ray trailed off, looking at Sand expectedly. 

“And long after?”

Ray nodded. “And long after.”

Sand closed his eyes, chuckled, and shook his head. “And that involves us sleeping together?”

“So that’s a yes?”

Because Sand couldn’t help but tease him, he decided not to answer Ray’s question yet. “I thought we were gonna have a romantic time catching each other up?”

Ray pouted. “We can do that after…”

“You’re shameless.”

Shameless.

Ray’s eyes sparkled as he wrapped his arms around Sand’s neck. “I know. It’s what made you fall for me.”

Because Sand never wanted to keep secrets from Ray again, he needed to tell Ray the full truth. 

“It wasn’t just that. It was your eyes.”

“My eyes?”

Sand nodded. “Even when we had arguments, even before we got together, you always looked at me like I was someone deserving to be loved.”

Ray’s lips quivered as tears lined his eyes. He shoved Sand lightly, making him laugh. “When did you get so romantic?”

“You always brought out the best in me.”

Ray smiled. “This is really sweet and all, but if you don’t fuck me in the next five minutes, I’ll drown you.”

Sand laughed. “I’ll make love to you.”

Ray cringed. “No one says that anymore.”

Sand couldn’t help but kiss his cheek. “It’s romantic.”

“It’s gross,” Ray said, but Sand heard the fondness behind his words. “But that means you’ll fuck me?”

“Don’t you think this is too fast?”

Ray paused for a moment. “Maybe. We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.”

Ray pulled him back down for a kiss and some things never changed because Ray still kissed his top lip like it was all he could think of. Sand’s fingers inched their way under Ray’s shirt, his skin burned under Sand’s touch and it caused him to pull away panting. Sand had a lot of sex since leaving, but never had he felt his heart beat out of his chest like this. The tips of their noses touched and Ray slowly made his way down Sand’s arms until they landed at his belt and all Sand could hear was his breathing.

“Ray…”

“Sand…”

They leaned in and Sand watched Ray’s eyes shut and Sand swore he couldn’t breathe. As much as he wanted to kiss his lips again, he slowly dragged his lips down Ray’s neck until his lips landed where his shoulder met his neck and started to suck; Ray was still as sensitive there as he was before. 

“Fuck, Sand…”

Ray toyed with Sand’s belt as Sand started to unbutton his shirt. He kissed every new inch of skin he saw and felt like he could get drunk on Ray’s shuddering breath. Soon, every button was done and all Sand could do was step back and watch the blossoming red marks on Ray’s chest. When he finally looked into his eyes, Sand felt weak in the knees.

Ray pulled him forward by the collar of his shirt and kissed him until all the breath in Sand’s lungs vanished. Soon, Sand’s belt was off and Sand could hardly hear the sound of it hitting the floor. When he pulled back all Sand could do was stare at his lips. 

“Where’s your bedroom?”

Ray shook his head and pulled him back into a kiss and Sand was helpless, his arms wrapped around Ray’s waist again. 

“The couch is right there.”

Sand couldn’t stop the sly smile on his face. “I’m not fucking you for the first time in years on a couch.”

“Whatever happened to,” Ray cleared his throat, “‘making love?’”

“Ray.”

A soft pout formed on Ray’s lips and Sand loved what it did to his heart. “Please? It’s so much closer.”

Despite his efforts to hold a conversation, Sand kissed him again because he was sure he’d die if he didn’t. He pulled back after a moment and reveled in Ray's gasp. 

“Bedroom.”

Ray leaned in again, and Sand put a hand on his chest and raised his eyebrow, Ray let out a sigh that Sand knew he didn’t mean. 

“You’re unbelievable.”

“I know.”

“Were you always this difficult?” Ray asked. He looked like he was fighting off a smirk.

“Yes.”

Ray smiled and shook his head. He grabbed Sand’s hand and led him out of the living room and up the stairs. When they reached his bedroom at the end of the long hallway, Sand wanted nothing more than to push Ray against the door, but his movements stilled when he saw his room.

“It’s bigger than my whole apartment.”

The bed itself was three times the size of his. 

He was about to comment on the rest of the lavish bedroom when Ray stepped in front of him and pulled him, once again, by the collar of his shirt. 

“You really want a full tour right now?”

“Kind of,” Sand replied, mostly to annoy Ray and because he wanted to know more about him. His words made Ray laugh, and Sand counted it as a win.

“Unbelievable.”

Before Sand could kiss him, Ray pulled Sand’s shirt off before Sand realized what was happening. He didn’t have time to register the cold air against his skin before Ray kissed him, leading him to the bed. Soon, Sand felt the back of his knees hit the bed and Ray pushed him down and sat on his lap. Sand wanted to say something snarky about being desperate but the air was punched out of him when he felt Ray’s ass on his dick. He hadn’t realized how hard he’d gotten.

“Fuck,” was all he could manage to say. 

The shirt Ray was still wearing slipped off his shoulders and fell to the floor. For a moment, all Sand could do was stare, breathless. 

Ray stroked his thumb along Sand’s cheekbone. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Then show me.”

Sand surged forward and kissed down his chest until his lips wrapped around Ray’s right nipple. He groaned, held the back of Sand’s head, and pushed him harder into his chest. Sand’s hands moved to Ray’s ass, and he squeezed. 

“Fuck, Sand…”

When Sand pulled back, he was at a loss for words. He stared at Ray’s closed eyes and the drops of red bite marks on his chest. Sand couldn’t help but run his hands over Ray’s chest, back, arms, and all over again. Ray mumbled something and Sand couldn’t hear it over the sound of his heart, but he wouldn’t say that because no matter how much Ray changed, he knew it would go to his head. 

“Hmm?”

Ray opened his eyes, and Sand bit his lip without realizing. “Why’d’ya stop?”

“You’re pretty,” was all Sand could say.

A smile slowly grew on Ray’s face. “I know.” Sand laughed, and Ray groaned and hid his head in Sand’s neck. “Don’t laugh at me.”

Before Sand had the chance to reply, Ray shoved him onto the bed and Sand didn’t have the chance to react before Ray kissed down his chest. Sand let out a breathy moan and ran his hand through Ray’s hair.

Suddenly, Ray stood up and stripped himself of his pants. “I forgot how long you like to take.”

Sand sat up on his elbows. “You didn’t seem to mind.”

Ray dropped to his knees and Sand felt his heart beat in his throat. “Ray–”

“–lift your hips,” Ray interrupted him as he unbuttoned his jeans. 

“You don’t have to.”

Ray smiled and shook his head. “Don’t make it sound like a chore,” he pulled Sand’s boxers and jeans down together. Sand hissed as the cold air hit him. “I want to.”

He ran his thumb over the tattoo he had of a sun that was inked into his hip. “Did you think of me when you got this?” Ray asked and his breath ghosted over Sand’s cock, he bit back a whine. 

Ray finally looked up and held eye contact with Sand who felt like he could die a happy man now. 

“Answer me, Sand.”

“Fuck…” Sand whispered, “yes. Always thought about you.”

“Good. Keep your eyes on me.”

As if Sand could ever look away. His mouth hung open as he watched Sand hold his dick steady and licked a stripe from base to tip. Sand felt the air in his lungs get punched out. He opened his mouth to moan, but nothing came out. He immediately went to hold Ray by his hair. 

Ray continued his eye contact as he slowly licked over his head, his hand went to Sand’s balls and Sand couldn’t help but squeeze Ray’s hair. The other moaned. “You remembered I liked that?”

Sand composed himself enough to smirk. “How could I forget?”

“How sweet.”
Ray finally took him into his mouth and Sand gripped the end of the bed. Sweat ran down his back as he watched Ray take him halfway. Sand groaned, he did his next to commit the scene to memory. 

“Fuck, Ray. You’re so fucking beautiful.”  

And he was. Ray looked like a vision as he took Sand deeper and deeper. He felt himself hit the beach of his throat and Sand moaned and gripped Ray’s hair. The feeling of Ray’s tongue under him caused Sand’s toes to curl.

“You were always so good at this.”

Ray hummed, and Sand whined. When Ray hallowed his cheeks, Sand closed his eyes, and his breathing got shallow. 

Then cold air hit his dick all over again and Sand whined. When he opened his eyes, he knew the view before him would be etched in his mind forever. His hand was still in Ray’s now messy hair, spit and precum stuck to his chin, and his eyes were half closed. 

Ray suddenly pouted. “You closed your eyes.”

Sand took a breath and smiled. “Sorry.”

“You should be,” he replied without any seriousness. He stood up and Sand pulled Ray closer by the hem of his boxers. 

“Now…” Sand toyed with the hem, his fingers danced over Ray’s tattoo and he enjoyed the way Ray’s breath hitched. “Why are you still wearing this?”

“You tell me.”

Sand pulled his boxers off and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning closer and kissing both of Ray’s tattoos. “You’re gorgeous.”

Ray sat back in his lap, his dick was pressed against Sand’s stomach and Sand shivered. “You are, too. Look at you, Sand,” he stroked his hand over his face. “You look ruined. I only sucked you off for a few minutes,” he ran his thumb over Sand’s lower lip, “and you looked like you just got fucked all night.”

“You know what you do to me.”

Ray leaned down and kissed him, his tongue in Sand’s mouth. Sand’s hands gripped Ray’s waist. 

“I know.”

The two panted into each other’s mouths. 

“You mentioned me getting fucked all night, is that what you want?”

“So badly. But, right now, I need you to fuck me.”

Sand squeezed Ray’s waist harder, and the other whined. He pulled Ray into a kiss, his hands moved to feel Ray’s firm ass, and Ray wrapped his arms around Sand’s neck. No matter how close they were, Sand needed them to be closer. His index finger hovered over Ray’s hole, and Ray shivered in his arms. Sand would never go in dry, he would take his time opening Ray up. 

When Sand pulled away from the kiss, he tried his best to show how little Ray’s gasp made him go crazy. 

“Baby, lay down for me.”

Ray’s eyes widened. Sand felt himself flush. 

“Can I call you baby?”

Ray leaned forward and kissed Sand’s forehead. “Of course.”

Soon, Sand was above Ray, his knees on either side of his hips. Ray’s face was pink, and he looked impossibly cute under him. 

Sand lowered himself and kissed Ray’s forehead, left cheek, right cheek, and chin. When he looked up, he noticed a tear falling down Ray’s face. Sand quickly wiped it away.

“Are those happy tears?”

Ray nodded. “You’re making it very hard not to fall in love with you again.”

Sand grinned and kissed Ray because he couldn’t help himself. “I’ll be here until you fall in love with me again.”

“And long after?”

“And long after.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, Ray.”

Another tear fell down Ray’s face, and Sand was there to wipe it away. 

“If you don’t make love to me soon, I think I’ll die.”

Sand laughed. “I thought no one said that?”

Ray shrugged. “It made you smile.”

“You make me smile. You’ve always made me smile.”

“You once punched me in the school bathroom.”

Sand rolled his eyes. “You usually always make me smile.”

Ray’s hands cupped Sand’s face, and suddenly, the world felt safe. 

“Where’s your lube?”

Without taking his eyes off Sand, Ray reached his hand under the pillow next to him and pulled out a tube of lube. Sand couldn’t help but laugh.

“Really?”

“You always have to be prepared.”

“Condoms?”

Ray reached under the same pillow, and Sand bursted out laughing, he hid his face in Ray’s neck. Ray carded his fingers through Sand’s hair. They could spend the rest of their lives like this, and Sand wouldn’t complain.

“Are you gonna keep laughing at me because I’m prepared,” Ray started, his tone made Sand laugh again, “or are you gonna fuck me?”

“I thought we were making love?”

“I’m gonna throw you out.”

Sand laughed loudly and kissed Ray just because he could. When he pulled back he noticed that Ray was smiling brightly, and Sand never wanted him to frown again.

Sand moved and got in between Ray’s legs, he rubbed his thighs, his thumb pressed into his tattoo. Sand opened the bottle of lube and squeezed it onto his fingers, he started kissing down Ray’s chest. His lips stopped over his heart, and Sand smiled when he felt Ray’s heart pounding. 

“Wrap your legs around me, baby.”

Ray complied, his mouth hung open like he was at a loss for words. Sand continued to kiss down his chest, his index finger hovered over Ray’s hole. 

“Relax, Ray.”

“I’m nervous,” Ray replied. 

Sand kissed his stomach. “It’s okay, Ray. It’s just me. I’ll take care of you.”

Ray smiled. “I know. Sex hasn’t felt like this in so long.”

“Like how?”

“Comforting.”

“Who’s the romantic one now?”

Ray ran a hand through Sand’s hair. “I’m just being honest.”

Sand returned his finger to Ray’s hole, this time he was able to get his finger in up to the first knuckle. He felt himself shiver, he watched Ray bite his bottom lip. Sand continued to kiss Ray, his lips inching closer to Ray’s dick.

He pulled his finger back slightly and pushed it back in, this time deeper. Ray let out a long breath. When his lips reached Ray’s dick, he felt Ray’s hand tug at his hair. 

“Don’t…” he whispered. “I don’t wanna cum yet.”

Sand nodded and returned to kissing every inch of Ray’s skin he could find. When he heard Ray’s breath shudder when he fingered him, Sand’s heart skipped a beat. 

“Another…” Ray said, his voice was soft.

“You sure?”

It had only been a few minutes. 

“Please… Please, Sand.”

“Okay, baby. Anything for you.”

Sand slowly inched his middle finger into Ray and he began to stretch them, Ray whined loudly. He pulled at Sand’s hair again. 

“Kiss me, Sand.”

Sand moved up to Ray’s face, kissing his body along the way. His body felt impossibly warm, Sand could spend hours opening Ray up. The two kissed with too much tongue and teeth. Ray’s legs wrapped tighter around Sand’s waist. 

“Fuck… faster.”

Sand picked up his pace, he kissed along Ray’s neck and sucked at the skin, not hard enough to leave marks. He remembered that he never liked marks on his neck. 

“Baby,” Sand groaned into his neck, “baby, you feel so fucking good.”

Ray moaned at his words. “No one…” he took a breath. “No one ever made me feel like you. Fuck, Sand. You always made me feel so good.”

Sand moaned. 

“Add another one.”

Sand took less time adding his ringer finger into Ray, he could feel him loosening with every passing second. 

“Faster…” Ray said, his voice breaking off into a moan. Before he could finish, Sand started to properly fuck his fingers into Ray.

“Sand… Sand… Sand…”

“What, baby? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Fuck me,” Ray replied breathlessly, “please. I’m ready.”

Sand didn’t need to hear anything else. He moved his fingers out of Ray and instantly missed his warmth, Ray felt similar, given his whine when his fingers left him. 

He hissed as he slid the condom on himself and covered his dick with lube. 

“Ray… are you sure?”

Ray could only nod and pull him closer by his waist, which his legs refused to detach from. He pulled Sand by the back of his neck and kissed him, moaning softly into his mouth. As they kissed, Sand began to push in. The two groaned when his head entered him. The tight heat around Sand’s dick made his brain feel fuzzy. With every inch, Ray’s breath got more and more rapid. Sand let his head fall onto Ray’s shoulder when he bottomed out. 

“Sand… fuck, you feel so good.”

Sand wanted to wait, he wanted to savor every second, but the need to move and watch Ray come undone outweighed everything. He pulled out by a few inches and pushed back in. Ray’s head hit his pillow. 

Sand moved Ray’s right leg from around his waist to up over Sand’s shoulder, and when he pushed in again, Ray moaned louder than he had that whole night. He started moving faster until the whole room was filled with the sound of skin slapping on skin and their moans. Ray’s eyes were shut tightly, whereas Sand kept his eyes open, inking every moment in his memories forever. Sand felt Ray’s finger nails dig into his back. Sand’s fingers dug into Ray’s hips as he fucked him, he was worried he’d leave marks, but when Ray moaned at the feeling, Sand squeezed harder. 

The heat that pooled into his stomach soon became unbearable. 

“Ray… Ray, baby, I’m close.”

“Me too.”

When Sand came, his entire body shuddered and tensed at the same time. He kissed Ray again because he needed to. He slowly inched himself out, ready to get Ray off. But Ray seemed to have other plans, he wrapped his legs around his waist and whined. 

“Don’t pull out yet.”

Sand kissed him. “Baby, I’m just gonna pull out and suck you off.”

Ray shook his head. “Need you…” he paused to catch his breath. “I need you to stay.”

“What about you?”

“Use your hand.”

Sand didn’t need to be told twice. He reached between the two and grabbed Ray’s aching cock. He wined, his back arching off the bed. Sand worked his hand quickly, his eyes moving back and forth between Ray’s cock and his beautiful face. 

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

Ray whined loudly. “Sand…”

“What is it, baby?”

“Gonna cum.”

Sand leaned down and kissed him. “Let go, baby.”

When Ray came, his face was relaxed. He came with a silent moan, and his mouth hung open. Sand’s hand was coated with Ray’s cum, his body was sticky and sweaty, and he never felt more relaxed. 

“Kiss me.”

And Sand kissed him, because he would always kiss Ray. 

When their breathing calmed down, Sand stroked Ray’s face. “Can I pull out now?”

Ray pouted. “If you must.”

Sand giggled, and the two hissed as he pulled out. Sand kissed Ray’s forehead. “I’m gonna get a washcloth.”

“Don’t leave yet.”

“Baby,” Sand kissed his forehead, “do you really want your cum drying to your chest?”

Ray paused. “Okay, but make it quick.”

Sand chuckled, tied the condom, and tossed it into the trash. “I’ll only be a second.”

Sand didn’t have time to take in the expansive ensuite. It was twice the size of his own bathroom. 

When Sand walked back into the bedroom, he gently lay down next to Ray and ran the washcloth over his chest. 

“How do you feel?” Sand asked.

“Warm. You?”

Sand smiled. “Calm.”

“You know,” Ray started as Sand tossed the washcloth in some corner of the room, “I think that was the fasted we’ve ever fucked.”

Sand laughed loudly. “Is it?”

Ray nodded. “Oh yeah! I once sucked you off for half an hour, remember?”

“Yeah, and you pulled off every time I was about to cum.”

“I wanted to see how long you’d last.”

“It was torture.”

Ray shrugged. “You begged me to do it again the next day.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sand replied, he smiled gently.

Ray didn’t reply right away; he just stared at Sand, and a content smile danced on his lips. “Hold me.”

Sand didn’t need to be told twice. He took Ray into his arms and kissed his face several times, making Ray giggle. 

“You gotta tell me how you got such a nice place.”

Ray frowned for a moment but then quickly shook it away. “It’s my dad’s place. I moved in after my mom…”

Sand hummed. “I didn’t know you two talked anymore.”

Ray shrugged. “We didn’t. Not until the funeral. He felt bad and offered me a room. He doesn’t come by often.”

Sand’s heart ached when he imagined Ray sitting in the funeral hall. He wanted to say something about that time, how he wished he was there for him, and how sorry he felt, but he didn’t know if Ray wanted to hear that right now. It seemed like Ray didn’t want to talk about that part of life yet, and Sand wouldn’t push him.

“So you’re here alone?”

“Most of the time. Sometimes my friends come over. I have a personal chef.”

Sand didn’t know if it was the right time to make a joke about Ray living a rich life. He didn’t think Ray would appreciate it. 

“I’m glad you’re not alone.”

Ray wrapped his arm around Sand’s waist. “I’m glad you weren’t alone either. I’m glad you had Namcheum with you.”

Sand cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean?”

Ray chuckled. “I’m not stupid, Sand. I know she knew you back then.”

Sand’s eyes widened. “What?!”

Sand and Namcheum had put those parts of their lives aside. They had moved to a different city to have a new start and everything. 

Ray leaned on his elbow and looked down at Sand. “You became a vigilante who posted his art and face all over insta. I saw you and your art buddy Namo all over my feed.”

Sand’s mouth hung open. “Then why…” 

He couldn’t finish his sentence because he wasn’t exactly sure what to say.

“I never told Cheum I knew who she was. Boston didn’t know who she was, either, if you’re wondering. It was her story to tell.”

“What…”

“What happened to Boston?”

That hadn’t been what Sand was going to ask, but that question was in the back of his mind, so he nodded. 

“It’s nothing special. He and Thua broke up, and he changed his name to Boston and became bitter.”

“Did he know…about me? Did he see my posts?”

Ray shook his head. “It would make him too mad, and he would’ve yelled at me to never look at your page again.”

Sand couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“So you… you were following me this whole time?”

Ray kissed Sand’s forehead and settled back into his arms. “This whole time.”

When Sand didn’t reply after a moment, Ray sighed playfully. “You and your friends made the news about a hundred times. Do you really think I just missed all of that?”

Sand’s eyes widened. “You saw me get arrested?”

Ray nodded. “Only about a hundred times.”

“I–” Sand started, but he didn’t know what to say. 

“It’s okay. It let me know you were safe. You were safe and fighting for a cause. I was proud of you.”

“You were?”

Ray nodded. “I was still upset with you, but I also saw how hard you were fighting. You were making a difference.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Sand asked, even though he knew it was a stupid question.

“I thought you hated me.”

“I never hated you.”

“I know that now, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry I ever made you feel that way.”

“I know.” 

Sand wanted to hear that Ray had forgiven him, but he knew that if Ray said that, he wouldn’t mean it, not fully, at least. If Ray ever did tell Sand that he forgave him, Sand wanted it to be fully. And he was willing to wait however long that was.

“Tell me about what it was like.”

Sand told Ray about how he met Sean, Gram, and Black at his new university, about their ideas to make the world better that all came from cynical minds.

“Most of the time was spent making plans in the garage.”

“The garage?”

Sand nodded. “I worked there part-time. That’s where I got my bike from. I go back there when it needs repairs, and Sean fixes it. His boyfriend always insists I stay for as long as possible and catch up.”

“He has a boyfriend?”

Sand let out a long breath. “Now that’s a story.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s a long story.”

Ray snuggled deeper into Sand’s embrace. “Tell me.”

So Sand proceeded to tell Ray the story of how White came into his life. How that’s when everything changed for him, how that’s when life got scary for him. He decided to leave Dan out of the conversation. He hadn’t thought about him in months. Ray listened closely to every word he said, he didn’t say anything despite looking like he had a million and one questions. Sand hadn’t told a soul about how he felt during this time, not even Namcheum knew. After a long while, he finished, not realizing an hour had passed.

“And he faked being his brother for three months?!”

“Yes!”

“What the fuck?! Why didn’t he confess when he knew it wasn’t you guys who put him in the hospital?”

“Because he was desperately in love with Sean. He didn’t want him to hate him. It was a weird three months.”

“I can imagine.”

“After everything calmed down, after we got kidnapped–”

“–What?!”

“Oh, yeah, did I not mention that? We all got kidnapped for, like, an hour after I got shot and almost died. Anyway, after that calmed down, I caught Sean and White fucking in every room of the garage. It was disgusting.”

“Sand!” Ray exclaimed.

“What?” Sand laughed sheepishly.

“You got shot and almost died and got kidnapped on the same day?!”

“More like the same six hours.”

Ray gasped. “That’s not funny!”

Sand rolled his eyes and kissed the top of Ray’s head. “It’s okay, I’m safe now.”

“Yeah, and I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

“Good.”

“So, what made you leave?”

He remembered the day he left, the day he walked out. No one had been mad at him, they all hugged him tightly and told him to keep in contact. He had cried that day, harder than he thought he would. Namo, who hadn’t changed her name yet, met him outside the garage and got on the back of his motorcycle. Namo wanted an escape, a change, and Sand, who still went by Yok, finally got a taste of what dying would feel like. 

“I was scared.”

Ray leaned up and kissed Sand’s cheek. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

Sand hadn’t realized he was crying until Ray wiped his face. “I’m still scared.”

“Of what?”

“Fucking things up again.”

Sand worried that Ray would roll his eyes and say something to break his heart, all things Sand would’ve deserved to hear. Instead, Ray smiled. 

“That’s okay.”

Sand’s brows furrowed. 

“It’s okay to be scared, Sand,” he kissed him, “you’re allowed to be weak. At least with me.”

Sand hugged Ray impossibly closer and cried softly. Ray peppered kisses on his neck, collarbone, and any skin he could reach. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” Sand said when his tears subsided. “I won’t leave you. I’ll stay with you until you forgive me…”

“And long after?”

“And long after.”

Sand woke up the next morning with Ray looking down at him, his eyes were shining, and the world had never felt safer.