Chapter Text
Atsushi groaned, his head beginning to ache as he came to. A harsh light shone directly over him, forcing his eyes open.
Blinking rapidly, he finally came to his senses, registering his surroundings. Atsushi’s eyes widened as he took in what was happeningz
The bodies of the agency littered the floor.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Desperately, he tried to rock them awake, noting with relief that they were simply unconscious, their breathing steady.
Kenji was the first to stir, blinking several times as he slowly sat up. His confused expression broke into a smile once he noticed Atsushi.
“Atsushi!” The younger boy waved cheerily, completely oblivious to the perilous situation they were in.
“Hey, Kenji. You don’t happen to know where we are, do you?” Atsushi asked, receiving a shake of the head in response.
“It doesn’t look like the agency,” a quiet, more feminine voice added. “Maybe, the Port Mafia have kidnapped us.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened at that possibility. However, Kenji was quick to shoot it down, “Probably not. The agency’s much stronger! The Port Mafia wouldn’t win against us in a million years!”
Atsushi appreciated his enthusiasm, however, their current situation was still not explained.
“Kenji is right. Besides, this doesn’t seem Port Mafia style,” a fourth voice joined in ther conversation.
Atsushi almost fainted again from shock at the sight of his missing mentor, “Dazai!”
“Ah, hello Atsushi.”
“Where have you been?”
“I was kidnapped by a young lady,” he glanced at Kyouka, who was still staring at Atsushi.
“Uh, okay,” Atsushi wasn’t sure if he was being literal or if that meant something else. Knowing Dazai, he probably would never get the answer. “Do you know where we are?”
Dazai shook his head, “not exactly. But, it seems…like a cinema.”
“A cinema?” Atsushi noticed the giant screen on the wall.
“Maybe, we were watching a movie and we all passed out and got our memories wiped,” Dazai shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Atsushi blinked, “Um, that’s great…”
“Hmm…” Dazai thought for a moment, looking around. “Perhaps, the Port Mafia boss _did_ kidnap us and is trying to torture us by making us watch really bad movies.”
“Uh. Is that really a possibility?”
“Dazai!” Kunikida attacked the brunette, strangling him. However, Dazai simply grinned in response, letting the blonde maim him.
Atsushi, who had grown used to the two’s interactions, returned his attention to Kyouka and Kenji.
Kenji awoke the other members, which was probably the best idea since most of the members were very grouchy when they woke up and he was the least likely to be punched.
“Ranpo, do you know where we are?” Dazai asked the guy with a lollipop stuck on his tongue.
“I can’t be bothered to know.”
“Okay, very helpful.”
“Hey, if you figure out where we are, I’ll convince the President to praise you,” Yosano, their insane doctor, tempted.
Ranpo entertained her words for a moment, before rummaging around for his glasses. His glasses were the source of his ability, ‘Ultra Deduction’. Or, at least, that’s what he thought.
Ranpo appeared to find the answer, when he took off his glasses, and looked their leader in the eye. “We’ve been kidnapped by a powerful person. Wait, no, they’re probably a turtle.”
“Uh, what?” Atsushi muttered to himself, confused.
“Don’t question it too much. He’ll probably explain,” Dazai reassured him, having finally been freed from Kunikida’s grasp.
“Wait, is the entire agency here?”
The president looked around, “our ability users are all present. As is Naomi.”
Said girl waved when everyone’s gazes turned to her. “Why am I here?”
“Maybe, they’re planning to use you as leverage,” Tanizaki, her…brother, narrowed his eyes, looking accusatively at the screen on the wall.
“I doubt it. We need to find out what evil turtle is behind this,” Kunikida said, completely straight-faced.
Atsushi realised that the word ’turtle’ had to be a code.
“An ability user?” Atsushi asked.
“No. Much more powerful,” Ranpo explained.
“A god?” Atsushi’s mouth dropped open, his mind jumping to that conclusion.
Ranpo scoffed, “no. Of course not.”
“There’s people over there,” Kyouka muttered, grasping Atsushi’s clothes tightly.
The members turned their attention to the other figures laying on the floor. “What the fuck?”
“I swear they weren’t there a second ago.”
“Is it the Mafia?”
“No, they’re…students? And, teachers?” Kunikida frowned, when he noticed the younger kid’s uniforms, realising the adults must be their teachers.
“Huh. Weird. At least, you’ll fit right in,” Dazai threw a jab at Kunikida, causing his memory of being a math teacher to resurface.
“Shut your mouth, you godforsaken bandage-wasting machine.”
“Are they a threat?” Kenji asked, cracking his knuckles.
It was scary to Atsushi how this cheery fourteen-year-old kid could topple mountains with his bare fists, all with a glowing smile on his face.
“We shall see,” the President took a few steps closer to the group laying on the floor, sensing them stir.
“Wait, it might be dangerous, sir,” Kunikida warned, taking his notebook out of his pocket. “We don’t know who they are.”
“They won’t hurt us,” Ranpo licked his lollipop, casually strolling over and kicking one of them awake.
“Ranpo, have some courtesy, please.”
The guy he kicked awake sprang to his feet, faling over several people, which sent a chain reaction of everyone suddenly awakening.
“Hey, dude, not cool,” the pink-haired guy pointed at Ranpo, stepping back, and holding up his fists like he was preparing to fight.
Uh oh. This could get out of control very fast.
A girl around the boy’s age was stood next to him, holding nails and a hammer.
Atsushi didn’t know if it was his inexperience with women but she looked extremely threatening just holding tools.
“Wait. We don’t want to fight,” Fukuzawa intervened.
“Sure. And, who the hell are you?”
“They’re not curses,” a spiky-haired teenager joined them, inspecting them with an unpleased expression.
“Uh, excuse me?” Yosano asked, confused at the ‘curses’ comment.
“They’re just normal civilians. They have no cursed energy,” a white haired man wearing sunglasses commented, standing next to the trio.
Cursed energy? What the hell was that?
“Then, why are we here? And, why are they here?”
“Where is here?” A woman wearing traditional clothing with a nasty scar across her face posed the question they all wanted the answer to.
“Great question!” A voice boomed.
The faint-hearted in the room jumped a few feet in the air. “What the fuck?”
“Oh, sorry, my mic was faulty. But, it is I who has kidnapped you!” The mystery voice continued, at a much more bearable volume.
“You? Who are you?”
“I am Chad.”
“Chad? What kinda name is that?”
“It sounds very American.”
“Do you know Jennifer Lawrence, by any chance?” The pink-haired guy, Yuji, gasped.
The girl with the bob next to him face-palmed, “not the time, Itadori.”
“It’s always the time for Jennifer Lawrence.”
Atsushi wasn’t sure what the importance of Jennifer Lawrence was in this situation.
“Um, mister Chad?” Atsushi asked, breaking the whispers and silence. “Why did you kidnap us?”
“Good question, Atsushi! I want you to watch two of my favourite shows for me!”
“But…why?”
“Don’t question my ways,” Chad replied ominously.
“You’re a turtle, right?” Ranpo questioned.
“Yes, I am. However could you tell?”
“Wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell me a turtle kidnapped us?” The woman with the scar looked shocked.
The white-haired man with sunglasses laughed at her expression, snapping a picture. In annoyance, she reached for his phone but he held it out of reach, being a foot taller than her.
“Gojo!” She shouted at him, through gritted teeth.
“I feel it’d be productive to reveal who you all are. Truly.”
Truly? What the hell did that mean?
“Ew, that was giving Nalai. Sorry, guys. Just say who you are or what you are?”
“I am a god,” the sunglasses dude stated simply.
“Sensei,” the spiky haired kid rolled his eyes, exasperated.
Grinning, he continued, “I’m Satoru Gojo, the strongest jujutsu sorcerer.”
“Jujutsu sorcerer? What the hell is that?”
“All shall be revealed.”
“Megumi Fushiguro.”
“Nobara Kugisaki,” the girl with the bob and hammer introduced herself.
“Yuji Itadori!” Her friend waved, smiling.
Atsushi was suddenly reminded of Kenji with how bubbly his personality was.
“Iori Utahime,” the girl with the scar said.
“Maki Zenin.”
“Yuta Okkotsu.”
“Panda.”
A few moments of silence passed, as the ADA members processed the talking panda in front of them, their mouths agape.
The silence was broken by Dazai’s laughing. “Wow.”
“That’s a literal panda,” Yosano muttered in shock.
”And, I thought I’d seen everything. Haha,” Tanizaki laughed awkwardly, pulling Naomi closer to him.
“Look! Atsushi has a friend! Atsushi, transform into a tiger,” he pushed the younger boy forward in an encouraging way.
Atsushi rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed, “uh, I don’t really want to.”
“Dazai, stop terrorising the kid,” Kunikida dragged Atsushi back. “I’m sorry about that.” He avoided looking at the panda.
“Kento Nanami,” a blonde man in a suit muttered, glaring at the sunglasses guy.
“That’s Inumaki Toge,” the panda nodded to a guy wearing a zip-up that covered his mouth.
One by one, the jujutsu sorcerers introduced themselves.
“You know, they make us seem normal,” Dazai mused.
“What the fuck is happening?”
“Atsushi, you look very distressed. I know a good massage technique to relieve stress!” Dazai grinned evilly.
“I’m- I’m okay.”
“So, who are you guys?”
“I’m Osamu Dazai.”
“Atsushi Nakajima.”
With much less surprises in store, the detectives introduced themselves.
“Great! Now that you’re all acquainted, I can explain!”
“Finally.”
“To put it bluntly, I have kidnapped you from your respective universes to force you to watch yourselves in the form of tv shows!”
“What?”
“You have the power to do that?”
”That’s so cool!”
”What kind of ability is that?” Fukuzawa asked at the same time as Yaga said: ”What kind of cursed technique is that?”
“Yep! It’s supposed to help save everyone in the future.”
“Save…everyone?”
“Why would we need to be saved?”
“I’m sorry to say but a few in this room will die!” Chad added, in a joyful tone.
A silence fell when they heard Chad’s words. The sorcerers and the detectives looked at each other, wondering who was to die
“Don’t worry, though! We’re here to stop that!”
“Mr President, do you think we can trust him?” Kunikida asked his superior.
Fukuzawa mulled over his words, “If what he says is true, then this is an important chance of changing our ill fates. We must entertain what he is saying.”
The sorcerers seemed to come to the same agreement. “So… how does this work?”
“You will all sit in your labelled seats and watch the screen. We will alternate episodes starting with whoever I get when I spin this wheel!” Chad instructed. “Allow me a moment as you all take a seat.”
Following his directions, they waited for his response. “Okay it landed on BSD so we will be watching Bungo Stray Dogs!”
“I assume that’s us then,” Yosano said.
“So, we’re watching us?”
“Kind of. Like all shows, they have protagonists. For Jujutsu Kaisen, it’s Yuji Itadori and for Bungo Stray Dogs, it’s Atsushi Nakajima.”
The respective protagonists had very different reactions to being informed of this.
“What?!”
“Cool!”
Atsushi sunk down in his seat in embarrassment, Dazai chuckled noticing this and patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.
Yuji, however, liked the idea of a show focused on him until Megumi rained on his parade.
“That’s not a good thing, idiot. We’re watching you.”
“Whatever. Let’s just start.”
As if on cue, the screen lit up, the first episode of Bungo Stray Dogs beginning to play.