Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It wasn’t an obsession at first. More of an annoying pressing in the back of his head ever since he started training to be an idol.

“I should lose a couple of kgs for better body lines, I’ll get noticed better during evaluations” “He’s pretty thin, I wonder what he does” “I won’t have fans if I don’t look good” “Skipping a meal or two, for now, can’t hurt, just until I debut one day”

 Every trainee thought that. The universal goal was to debut and look good doing it, so you could get fans and be successful. Back then, those thoughts, the diets, were just a way to get his foot in the door. It was never meant to go too far, but then again, nothing is.

The first time Wooyoung felt a genuine dislike for himself was after their MAMA performance in 2019. He didn’t like his hair, he didn’t like his makeup, he didn’t like his dancing,  he didn’t even like his own voice that night. Worst of all, he hated his body. He hated the way it looked and he hated the way it moved. After the performance all he wanted to do was isolate himself from the rest of the world, curl up, and disappear…but that would be weird, right? It would look weird if, after one of the biggest performances of Ateez’s career, he sat and wallowed in his room being self-centered and ungrateful when the rest of his beloved, hardworking members were out celebrating and counting their blessings. 

It’s not a secret that Ateez wasn’t expected to go far. Why would they be? There were very few groups that come from a microscopic company and still manage to make some type of mark. It would be weird for Wooyoung, a main dancer of Ateez, who just performed in front of one of his own idols at one of the biggest award shows in South Korea, to not want to celebrate. What would he even say if someone noticed his absence? “I’m just tired,” wasn’t believable this time, especially with everyone on a collective adrenaline rush that he just couldn’t catch on to. Which would again, be weird because Wooyoung is the one who helps in brightening up the room, he brings in the energy. Yunho can do that though. He does a great job at it anyway. He’s great at everything.

It’s then that Wooyoung snaps out of his self-deprecating induced depression and shakes that shit off. Sure, he’s always been competitive, but something within him shakes and trembles at the thought of his most prominent role in the group being taken over by someone else. Being in a group like Ateez, surrounded by talented dancers, Wooyoung accepted early on that he wouldn’t stand out with just dancing. However, he couldn’t be useless; he had to contribute something to the group, even if it was just off camera. So he took a deep breath, put on his most believable smile, and celebrated with his team. Though he buried those nasty thoughts about himself, he knew they weren’t dead. What he didn’t know was how they’d grow and fester just below the surface, waiting for someone with a shovel to scoop off the thin layer laying on top of them.

Chapter Text

It was just a diet. That was all. There was nothing wrong with dieting. Idols dieted all the time, it pretty much comes with the job. Most of them get put on diets by their company anyway.

The only difference is that the company didn’t tell Wooyoung to go on a diet. He did that on his own accord. He vividly remembers when he made the decision. Remembers waking up and scrolling on Twitter, seeing comments on him, his looks, his body, his thighs. 

“I love Wooyoung’s thighs, they’re so BIG”

“He could crush me with those thighs”

“the blonde hair omg…he’s really serving here. the whole look is just so over the top i love it all”

He remembers the puff of air coming from his nose and the smirk that graced his face at his fan’s ridiculousness. He’d never tire of their blunt, sometimes explicit comments.  
Then the smirk dropped. A nasty thought crawls and slithers its way to the surface.

His- His thighs weren’t that big were they? 

He zoomed in on the fansite picture. It was from his ‘Say My Name’ fan cam. His thighs were clad in the tightest leather pants imaginable. The stylist said it was to “essentiate his assets,” whatever that meant. So he put them on without a single complaint and danced as best he could. As uncomfortable as it was, Wooyoung was a professional. Why be an idol in the first place if his performance abilities were limited to what he was wearing?

His thighs did look rather large there. The longer he looked at the picture, the more he felt that vine of unpleasant thoughts, with its sharp loathsome leaves, grow upwards. Then he saw it. 

@8tzlover1: “I love Wooyoung, but I think he would look better if he lost a little weight.”

All hell broke loose in the replies to that comment, and an even worst bout of chaos releases itself in Wooyoung’s brain.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP HE LOOKS PERFECT”

“KILL YOURSELF”

@8tzlover1: “I don’t understand why you all are getting mad at me. Why are you all acting blind? We can all see the fat on his thighs jiggling every time he moves lmao it’s right there. Not like I said he looks bad or anything. He looks good, I just think he’d look better if he lost a bit of weight that’s just my opinion.

“YOU CAN TAKE YOUR OPINION THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS”

“his thighs are not fat, they’re THICC”

“there’s nothing wrong with having fat on his thighs. it’s literally normal weirdo”

@8tzlover1: “It’s not just his thighs, idk why it's so hard for you all to accept the fact that Wooyoung is a chubbier individual. Again, I love him, I think he’s handsome but he could look better and add more to the group if he really wanted to”

Wooyoung pauses for a moment. What type of shit was that? They were supposed to completely disagree with the user, not defend his weight. But then, he thinks to himself, maybe he’s the only one who doesn’t see it.

Wooyoung put his phone down and got out of bed. He didn’t even try to protest as his feet led him to the bathroom. He remembers the feeling of his evidently humongous thighs rubbing together every step of the way up until he landed in front of the digital scale. 

He remembers his heart stopping the second he looked down after stepping on that scale, seeing the numbers flash back at him. His breath was hollow, as he stepped off of it and headed towards the mirror. He stripped down to his underwear and tried not to let the tears that patiently waited to touch his cheeks fall. His eyes wandered every single part of his body, fingers grasping at the fat around his face, his arms, his tummy, and of course, his fucking thighs. Wooyoung doesn’t remember how long he spent in that bathroom picking himself apart, could’ve been minutes, maybe hours, time didn’t feel real in that moment. What he remembers most is the clear feeling of a very real hatred for himself, a genuine disdain for the way he looked. 

The realization that the comments were right felt like a stab to the chest. A dagger violently laying into the heart he wished at that moment would stop beating so loudly that he couldn’t hear the rational thoughts. The ones that said maybe he should’ve closed the app. Should’ve gone to talk to Hongjoong about how he was feeling. Maybe he should calm himself down before making any decisions at all.

But those thoughts were getting drowned out, surrounded, and trapped far away from where Wooyoung could hear them by much louder thoughts with vines with sharp leaves and poisonous thorns that said he was disgusting, that he was a pig, that he was dragging down the group he claimed to love so much.

It was in that moment that Wooyoung decided he would go on a diet, if not to prove himself to fans and haters alike, then to be a better dancer and a better asset to Ateez, or deep down just be able to look at himself in the mirror without feeling sick to his stomach.
He remembers pulling his phone out and taking a screenshot of the thread and locking it away in his camera roll’s hidden folder. He told himself he’d use it for motivation, and he wouldn’t take it to heart. But it was far too late for that.

Maybe that comment was just a catalyst for something that would’ve happened anyway. Those thoughts from MAMA were now exposed from the dirt Wooyoung had thrown on top of them.  

That day, Wooyoung spent the rest of his day locked away in his room researching different diets. He passed through a couple of ones that he felt would take forever, and they were probably the more healthy options, but he didn’t have forever. He wanted that weight off and he wanted it off fast. He lands on a plan called OMAD, which was short for one meal a day. In hindsight, maybe it was extreme, but so was his desire to rid himself of those painful thoughts and feelings that had him ready to rip the hair out of his scalp.

 
—

Wooyoung never officially announced to the rest of the group that he would be going on a diet. He had no plans to, he shouldn’t have had to. Dieting was normal. They all did it. His members all found out in their own time, it revealed itself in the form of skipping out on their weekly movie night because there would be greasy, fattening food, for sure, and what if he didn’t have enough discipline to say no?

It came in the form of rejecting Seonghwa’s invites out to shopping and lunch.

It came in the form of denying the snacks Yeosang would offer him when they’d gossip about their days.

It came in the form of hiding away the packs of his favorite candies that Jongho would silently throw at him, then run away after in all of his little brother glory. Wooyoung told himself, that he was only saving the candies for after his diet. That he would eat them and enjoy them when he reached his goal weight when he deserved them.

It came in the form of telling San he wasn’t hungry after cooking him lunch and none for himself. 

“Where’s your bowl? Are we sharing from this one?” San stood to make his way into the kitchen for another set of chopsticks.

“No San-ah it's just for you! Eat it well,” he said with a not-at-all suspicious smile.

San furrowed his brows at him.

“You’re not eating?”

“I’m just not hungry right now. I’ll eat later.”

San didn't push it. Maybe he should have.

Wooyoung makes it a point to eat his one daily meal with San after that. 

 The diet was working. His clothes were starting to fit looser, his jaw becoming sharper, and the distance between his thighs was growing. The feeling, the progress, was addictive. He felt proud of himself watching the number on the scale go down and his body shrinking into something he found more attractive.

 Hongjoong was the one who acknowledged what was going on for what it was out loud.

 San and Wooyoung were sitting at the table eating. San with a big bowl of bulgogi and Wooyoung with his routine brown rice and boiled chicken because “his stomach couldn’t handle spices well these days.”

 “You’re looking good Wooyoung,” Hongjoong says not looking at him from his place in front of the refrigerator door. 

 “Thanks, hyung,” Wooyoung smiled to himself. His hyung, his captain, just complimented his looks. He never does that to anyone. He tries to suppress the giddiness. He knew this was a good idea.

“So when are you stopping?” What the fuck did he just say? A surge of panic flows through Wooyoung. He feels like he’s been confronted by a bear, and doesn’t know whether to run away, scream, or play dead.

“Stopping what?” playing dead it is.

 “This diet you’re doing,” he says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

 UH? Plan B? Scream? Run away? Lie?

 He might be able to get away with a little lie because San looks positively perplexed. Oh, but he’d feel so guilty lying to San’s face. Technically he doesn't have anything to lie about. So he comes clean. (not completely clean)

“Oh, um, after Inception promotions?” GREAT he doesn’t even sound sure of the words coming out of his own mouth. 
He turns to look back at San, who looks absolutely crestfallen.

“You’re on a diet?”

“Who’s on a diet,” Mingi’s voice enters the kitchen. Of course, it does, because today is Loudcap Wooyoung Day.

“Wooyoung is!” Since when did San become such a tattle tale? It’s really not a big deal.

“Yeah. You’re probably the only one who hasn’t noticed,” Mingi snorts. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

 
“But he eats with me every day,” San defends.

“Yeah and that’s the only time he eats,” Mingi cuts him off, grabbing a bottle of water out of the suddenly very popular refrigerator.

 
“San c'mon now, when do you ever see him eat outside of your little dinner dates,” Honjoong teases. Then the teasing comes to a halt the moment he turns back to Wooyoung, who can’t help but feel cornered.

“Listen, I know this comeback is important and all, but it’s going to be intense and you need to make sure you’re eating enough to have energy for everything we’re going to be doing. I’ll tell you what I told Seonghwa,” SEONGHWA?!? WHAT IS SEONGHWA DIETING FOR? HE WAS ALREADY THIN.

“He wants abs for the shirt raise,” he continues. That makes more sense. “Do what you want with your body, but do it with care because you only get one. Understood?”

And usually, Wooyoung, always ready to give someone a hard time, would internalize his leader's words, really take them to heart and jokingly reject them out loud. This time was the complete opposite. He nodded his head, hopefully convincing Hongjoong because, in his head, he knew he’d be intentionally defying his captain for the first time.  

When the comeback for Fever Pt. 1 rolled around, Wooyoung was on cloud 9. He got more attention than he’d ever received before. He was featured in more articles. He gained more fans.

“IS THAT WOOYOUNG?! GOD HE LOOKS SO SEXY!”

“SINCE WHEN DID WOOYOUNG LOOK LIKE THAT”

“i need the same glow-up wooyoung had wow”  

Interviews were like that too.

“I couldn’t stop watching the Inception music video, Seonghwa’s abs would always have me coming back,” the MC rambled. Seonghwa sits across from him looking flustered. Wooyoung doesn’t understand Seonghwa. If he had Seonghwa’s body it would take a minimum of 5 firing squads to take even an inch of his confidence down. 

“We can see our Wooyoungie looks very different these days,” the MC turns the attention to Wooyung. He hums in acknowledgment.

“How much weight have you lost?” Is that not a rude question to ask out loud? 

“Ah uh, around 14 kilograms I think,” he takes his time saying that, almost like he has to think about it. As if he hadn’t made it a point to do intense cardio every night after his meal and weigh himself every morning at 7:05 a.m. and record the number he saw in his notes app. It was actually 15.6 kg as of this morning but it would be weird to say that right? He would sound obsessed or something and make it out to be a whole thing. 

“It was 15 actually,” San had corrected him. He’d been sticking closer to Wooyoung recently for whatever reason. Pretty much watching him like a hawk, always around, way more observant than usual.

“Waaaah! You really had nothing to lose though!” What a fucking liar. Why couldn’t they ever just say they liked how he looked and end it there? There was always something extra that Wooyoung couldn’t say he cared for. 

Even his friends from other groups had something to say.

Jagi-jun <3: darling you’re getting all skinny on us and not even sharing your secrets. the betrayal :((( 

Changbinnie <3: yeah quit being selfish and give us the cheat codes >:( 

Basically falling off the grid and showing up looking like a brand new person filled him with something close to satisfaction. It seemed that everyone liked the new him. A small twist in his gut emerged when he thought about how differently he was treated. Wooyoung didn’t want it to be a big deal, noticeable yes, but all he wanted to do was change up his appearance to look better. It’s not like he was actually a different person. He was still playful, bubbly, energetic, and loveable Wooyoung. He briefly wondered if that part of him would ever be enough.

When promotions ended, true to his word, Wooyoung brought his diet to an end. He went on those shopping trips-turned lunch dates with Seonghwa. He brought himself back to their weekly movie nights. He actually ate the candies Jongho would launch at him. He’d allow himself to take the snacks Yeosang offered him when they’d catch each other up on how their days went. San was the most excited his diet ended. “I like seeing you eat well. It makes you strong,” he said. When they cuddled he could feel San still trying to grasp at his no longer there tummy, searching for a softness that Wooyoung had absolutely no intention of letting come back.

Deep down Wooyoung couldn’t fully let himself enjoy his days of supposed relaxation. Even with his new body, most days he looked in the mirror and still managed to find something off, something wrong. 

His hair was either too long or too short, his fingers were too fat on some days and too knobby on others. Was his tummy coming back? Were his thighs getting bigger again? Maybe he should leave the weights in the gym alone for a while and just stick to cardio. God, did his feet always look like that? Why even stop dieting when he knew what he’d look like if he screwed up again?

Wooyoung shook his head and threw more dirt on top of those blaring, hateful thoughts in an attempt to bury them for just a little while longer. He was being ridiculous. He had done so well on his diet, he didn’t have to isolate himself anymore, his metabolism was faster, he wasn’t really gaining weight, and he was more liked than ever. This is what he wanted, wasn’t it? That’s why he lost the weight in the first place.

Silly Wooyoung, you can’t properly bury something that never died. Small seeds and vines that you put in the ground don’t disappear, they grow roots and flourish into something so big, all the dirt in the world couldn’t cover them.

Chapter Text

Everything is fine, really, it’s just one of those days. Nothing major, just a typical bad day.  When Wooyoung wakes up it’s not from his alarm…because he slept through it. That alone sets the tone for the rest of his day. He checks the time on his phone. 

8:45 a.m. Goddammit. He’s running late for practice.
He rushes out of bed and heads straight to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth, foregoing a shower and skincare. Wooyoung tries not to let his thoughts linger on the fact that even with the extra sleep, his eyebags are exceptionally prominent and this morning would be one of the ideal days for his intensive skincare routine. 

To make matters worse, his hair is a mess. At least to him, it is. He has no time to blow dry and flatten out those pesky (barely there) curls in his hair today. He runs a brush through his once again black hair, quite aggressively, in an attempt to calm down the frizzy waves. 

And where are his glasses? FUCK! Whatever. 
He tosses the brush somewhere in frustration and applies his deodorant. 
Today is obviously an all-black, sweatpants and hoodie day. If Wooyoung tries to be stylish today his closet will probably blow up or something. He dresses himself, spritzes himself with cologne, grabs his phone and keys, and is out the door. If he walks fast enough, he can make it there before warm-ups are done. 

Halfway through his walk, Wooyoung realizes he hasn’t had a drop of coffee yet.
 He suppresses the urge to throw himself to the ground, beat at the pavement, and cry like a toddler. How is he going to get through practice? How is he going to do anything? 
FUUUUCK. FUCK. Whatever. WHATEVER. IT’S FINE.

It’s safe to say Wooyoung is grumpy. Walking through the hallway, he mentally chants a mantra to himself. 
Everything is fine. It will all be okay. I will not collapse, catch fire, and implode on myself. Everything is fine. It will all be okay. I will not collapse, catch fire, and implode on myself. Everything is fine-

He can hear the chorus of one of their warm-up songs and amped-up shouts from outside of the practice room door. He can tell Yeosang has the aux today…great.
Without much more delay he opens the practice room door and the noise immediately stops. All eyes land on him and Wooyoung is sure he looks like a vision. Drowning in his black clothes, his hoodie covering his untamable hair, eye bags, and dark circles terrorizing his face, and a tired scowl to top it all off. 

"Well, good morning sunshine, so nice of you to join us,” Hongjoong says with a sarcastic smile. It’s half teasing, half a reprimand, and a whole “explain yourself.”

Too bad Wooyoung doesn’t feel like explaining himself. He’s not having a good day and they’ve all been late before. He mumbles out a blasé “morning,” and begins his stretches in one of the isolated corners of the practice room.

 
Wooyoung floats his way through the first half of practice. Just going through the motions and letting muscle memory take over. Not a single thought goes through Wooyoung’s head until he hears Yunho’s hands create 3 thunder cracks announcing a 10-minute break. 

Wooyoung walks to the nearest wall and allows his body to slide down until his bottom finally touches the floor. He brings his knees up to his chest as he ponders on whether or not a 9-and-a-half-minute nap would do him any good or if it would just make him grumpier when he has to wake back up. Before he can decide, an adrenaline-boosted San slides next to him.

Yeah, the nap isn’t happening.

“Wooyoungieee~” he tries to coax him out of his solitude. Wooyoung just hums back, not looking up. San scootches from beside Wooyoung to in front of him. He grasps behind his knees and pulls his legs from his chest, tangling them with his own. San then gently takes his hands in his own, thumbs caressing the backs of Wooyoung’s hands. The position pretty much forces eye contact and Wooyoung’s frown has yet to leave his face.

“What’s going on Young-ah? Are you not feeling well?” San, always so observant and caring. Wooyoung sometimes feels like he doesn’t deserve someone as kind and wonderful as San. Some days he feels a strange guilt in his heart just from being close to him, but selfishly enough, the day he lets San go will be the day he dies. 

Wooyoung releases a soft exhale. “m’just not having a good day Sannie it’s fine,” he murmurs, turning his head away. 
Nothing is terribly wrong. He just feels wrong. He’s being childish and making San worry for nothing. Wooyoung’s face burns with slight embarrassment, but San is having none of that. He once again maneuvers them so that he’s now holding a very stiff Wooyoung, head tucked into San’s neck. The minute practice ends, Wooyoung might just allow himself to melt and let San carry him back to his dorm. San rubs at his shoulders. There’s no real pressure from his hands, it’s just comforting.

“How about, when practice is over, you come to my room, and we can watch those history videos on YouTube you like. Just you and me. How does that sound?” San softly suggests in his ear.  It sounds perfect; so perfect Wooyoung has to hold back tears and ignore how his heart skips a beat. He can’t help it, San just knows him so well, and takes such good care of him. He’s the only one who would voluntarily sit through any of those world history videos with Wooyoung, anyone else would fall asleep or flat-out tell him no. He doesn’t know if San actually cares about what those videos are talking about, but he knows San cares about him and his interests and that’s why he does it. He’s really the best friend in the world. 

“That sounds really nice,” Wooyoung whispers, a faint smile on his lips. A bad day doesn’t always mean a bad night.

The last hour of practice zooms by and Wooyoung cannot wait to hop in the van with San, Seonghwa, and Mingi. Wooyoung grabs his belongings, and San’s hand and they’re almost out of the door...almost.

“Um, San, where are you going?” Hongjoong halts them.  

“TO HIS ROOM WITH ME DAMMIT” Wooyoung wants to shout. He doesn’t, since he’s obviously on thin ice with their leader for showing up late. He does, however, throw his head back and stomp his feet because what could it possibly be now? He feels San subtly squeeze his hand. His way of saying “cut it out.”

“Going back home?” San says, confused. Was practice not over or something?

“You still have a schedule today.” Well, the world might as well just end now.

“I do?”

“Yes. It’s Tuesday. You have English classes every Tuesday.” Oh right. He does. Wooyoung used to have his English classes on Tuesdays too, but they’d spend more time laughing at each other than learning, so Hongjoong had them separated. San winces and turns his head to an agitated Wooyoung with a sheepish smile. 

“You can come with me and we could leave together-” 

“Absolutely not,” Hongjoong cuts him off. What a killjoy.

“Awe come on hyung why not?”

“For the same reason you two aren’t in the same class now. If you go now, the sooner you’ll be done and y’all can go do whatever you had planned.” With that, he walks away, probably to the studio. Wooyoung doesn’t really care, he’s annoyed at his leader right now, even though he’s right. They do distract each other. If San goes by himself, he could be done before dinner.

“Okay so, change of plans. I’ll go to my lesson and you get in the car with Hwa and Mingi and just wait for me in my room. Take a shower, eat something, maybe take a nap. You look like you need one, ugly,” San pokes at his forehead. 

“Fuck you, Choi,” he snorts and begins to walk towards the van. 

“I’ll be back before you wake up okaaay?” he says in perfect English. Wooyoung sends back a thumbs up and climbs in the van. Whilst buckling up he is met with no questions at all. This isn’t the first time he’s stowed away to go to the Sanabiz dorm and it surely won’t be the last. 

Wooyoung sleeps through most of the car ride and when he wakes up he walks through the apartment like it’s his own, it pretty much is. “You can come here anytime you want Young-ah, you know that don’t you?” San had told him once. When they first moved out of their old, shared dorm, Wooyoung took it the hardest. Deep down he knew that keeping 8 grown men in a shared dorm years into their careers would be ridiculous but that didn’t stop his uprising anxiety. He took being teased when he cried and got called clingy or co-dependent but something about being separated from the people he cared the most about did terrible things to his heart. Having his own space was nice and all but the familiarity and closeness just weren’t something he could easily let go of. San damn near got Wooyoung a key to his new apartment after that meltdown. 

Wooyoung makes a beeline to San’s room and grabs some of his (San’s) pajamas. At this point, Wooyoung should have some clothes of his own in San’s room. He has his own toothbrush, skincare products, and vitamins in San’s space but Wooyoung likes to wear San’s clothes. He likes how small they make him feel and San doesn’t tell him no, so Wooyoung forewent bringing his own clothes all together. 

In the shower, the gloomiest of the day sets in. Thinking back, it wasn’t that bad. He just woke up late in a mood he couldn’t get over it fast enough and then he made San worry about him and then they got pulled away from each other AGAIN because of that stupid English lesson that Wooyoung could very well be in with him if he wasn’t so annoying and immature he wishes he could just-

*knock knock*

“You okay in there Wooyoungie? You’ve been in there for a while,” Seonghwa’s voice pierces through the door. And no, Wooyoung isn’t okay, he’s far from really, but he’ll be damned if he makes someone else worry about him today. He shouts out a quick “I’m good hyung,” and hurries out of the shower. 

Dragging his towel along his skin, Wooyoung looks in the mirror and is reminded of the fact that he has a body. A naked one at that. Years after losing all that weight and Wooyoung still can’t say he likes what he sees in the mirror…unless he’s dieting of course. When he’s dieting, he can watch himself get smaller, look better, then he gets excited to look in the mirror. But Wooyoung isn’t on a diet right now and all he can see is everything he’d like to shrink. He stays stuck there, eyes on his arms and shoulders that look a little too fat than muscular, and his waist that looks just as expanded as ever. He can’t do this right now, he’ll never leave the bathroom if he keeps on like this. So Wooyoung tears his scrutinizing gaze away from his body and forces himself to throw on San’s shirt and a pair of boxers before turning the bathroom light off and rushing out of the bathroom. 

Having upset himself again, Wooyoung climbs under San’s soft sheets and closes his eyes in a desperate attempt to shut his brain off. It doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t. He lies there, tossing and turning, plagued with a gloominess he just can’t seem to escape.

Wooyoung doesn’t exactly know how long he spent lying in that bed but he knows it’s been long enough that San should be back by now. 

 He checks his phone and sees 2 unopened messages from San…2 hours ago.

San-ah 🏔️: I’ll be back soon. 
San-ah 🏔️: Did you eat yet?

Eating is the absolute last thing on Wooyoung’s mind. The thought alone makes him slightly nauseous. The only thing on his mind is San and how he was supposed to be back, or at least on his way 2 hours ago and he still isn’t there. 

 Mingi swinging open San’s door is what stops his semi-panicked thoughts. 

“You hungry Woo?” 

“No,” he says muffled under San’s comforter, because he’s not. Even if he was hungry… what is everyone’s obsession with him and eating?

“Okay well,” Mingi stalks closer, “I know you didn’t have breakfast, none of us had lunch because of practice, and you’ve been locked away in here since we got back and it’s nearing 7 in the evening so you know; I just figured I’d ask.” 

And that should be the end of it. This is the part where Mingi is supposed to go away and leave Wooyoung to his own miserable devices. But Wooyoung knows Mingi, and he knows that tone of voice all too well, the sarcastic nonchalance flooding through his tone. It’s a little intimidating but Wooyoung knows better than to be afraid of Mingi of all people, still, he knows he can’t escape whatever it is Mingi wants at the moment.

Once he makes it to the bed, Mingi gently pulls the comforter off of Wooyoung’s head, and then the rest of his body. With heavy reluctance, Wooyoung pulls his head from where it’s tucked into himself up to look at the tall man staring back down at him. Mingi and his stupid white t-shirt, and his stupid pink sweat pants, and his stupid pink socks, and his stupid glasses and- oh God he’s being mean in his head to Mingi. MINGI. He loves it when Mingi wears his cute little house clothes he doesn’t think anything about it is stupid. 

Guilt sets in as Wooyoung labels himself as a full-blown grouch. “Come on, let's go to my room and talk,” he holds his hand out for Wooyoung to take, which he does because what could possibly go wrong at this rate?

Mingi’s room is really…Mingi. That’s the only way to describe it. There’s just a very Mingi presence the room provides. The lighting is warm and cool at the same time, a couple of succulent plants sit on top of his window seal, and a single pink candle that somehow smells like outer space occupies his otherwise empty nightstand. He has his favorite album vinyls stacked on a bookshelf, with his favorite poetry books, and Polaroid photos of his family and Ateez.
Mingi grabs one of the vinyls from his bookshelf. It’s white and has a shirtless man with green hair on the cover. As he puts the vinyl in the record in the glittery electric blue record player, Wooyoung makes himself comfortable in Mingi’s bed. The album he’s playing is an English one, and he can only understand so much of it, but Wooyoung trusts Mingi’s music taste. 

Mingi joins him in the bed and he holds him. “You’ve been off today. Not just regular grumpy. What’s on your mind? Lay it on me” That’s the thing with Mingi, he always cuts straight to it, and poor Wooyoung doesn’t even have it in him to lie, or maybe Mingi’s just one of those people who can see through any and everything. He lets out a deep, shaky sigh, but stays silent.

“Here, I’ll go first. Sometimes I feel extremely misunderstood. I’ll elaborate later. Now, what about you?”

"Sometimes,” Wooyoung pauses, but he knows there’s no stopping the words that have been trapped away from coming out now, “I really hate myself, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Two hearts crack a little.

“I don’t like that you know.” Mingi should never hate himself.

He sniffles and chokes out a chuckle.

“Well, I don’t like that you know either”

“Now what,” Wooyoung asks, they’re in too deep now. 

“I’m gonna tell you why I hate myself and you’re gonna tell me why you hate yourself, and then we’ll go from there.” That is one fucked up sentence.

He sits up and crisscrosses his legs so he and Mingi are face to face. “Alright, lay it on me,” Wooyoung says and he mentally swears he’ll be the best listener he’s ever been in his life.

Mingi follows suit and crisscrosses his legs as well. “I’m being 100% honest right now; I feel like nobody understands me. I feel like everyone either thinks I’m dumb or just a flat-out asshole. And then it doesn’t help that I don’t talk much in interviews and stuff. Everyone except… everyone thinks I’m an airhead or on the verge of some type of anxiety attack. I’m always thinking about something and I like that about myself, but sometimes I just have nothing to say. I’m not dumb, I’m a lyricist for fucks sake, I hate that I can’t get that across to everyone. Your turn” He finishes. Something tells Wooyoung he’s holding something back. That’s not enough to make Mingi hate himself. It’s just not. But as long as they’re laying most of the truth out on the table, he figures he’ll just wait.

“I- I think everyone thinks I’m mean and annoying and loud and immature. Which is true sometimes. I just-” his voice cracks, “I don’t like my body all that much, or at all really,” Wooyoung’s eyes start getting glassy and he grasps at his own hands, a habit he picked up when he first started losing the majority of his weight, the loneliest time of his life. Mingi doesn’t say anything, just waits patiently for him to continue.

“You remember when we did that interview and played the mystery box game and we- we had to wear blindfolds and I pulled out that pig toy and everyone was saying it was me?” That moment to this day still makes its daily rounds in his head, the sheer embarrassment of his own members comparing him to a pig and laughing at him has made him want to claw the skin off of his body more times than he’ll ever admit. The only thing that kept him off the edge was the memory of San defending him immediately after. “No no no no it’s not Wooyoung,” he protested, and Wooyoung’s crestfallen face had softened just a little. 

“Oh my god Wooyoung I’m so sorry-” Mingi interrupts with such a remorseful look in his eyes Wooyoung almost feels guilty for even saying anything.

“It’s fine,” he waves him off  “It was a long time ago and I really was a pig back then. I was fatter than ever and-”

“No, you weren’t”

“I was. That's why you guys said it. That’s why Atiny would always make comments about it and that’s why news articles even today still talk about how much weight I’ve lost. It’s because I was fat and probably a little ugly and then I lost weight and started looking different.” 

“You were never fat or ugly,” Mingi says seriously.

“I got so much more attention after I lost weight. I got more fans it’s just like- I felt seen you know? It’s like I was always too much. I was always too loud or too mean or too annoying or too immature o-or too short or too fat and I’m so scared to go back to how I was before. And nobody else gets it Mingi. It’s so easy for the rest of the members to say “just eat” or tell me I don’t have to diet when I do. Especially San, because he did the exact opposite and it’s ironic because he’s been my only constant this whole time. He never made me feel bad about anything…ever, especially myself. But he’d never understand, no one could, because nobody else started off fat, all of you started off skinny and then just got fucking built,” he stops, that’s the part Wooyoung doesn’t like to think about, let alone talk about. How jealous he was, still is, of his members.

“Fuck- alright I’m done,” he finishes, wiping his eyes.

Mingi looks near tears himself. “I had no idea it was like that for you.” Wooyoung never expected Mingi to know. It wasn’t his problem to deal with, he had his own shit going on.  “Is- is that why you don’t eat sometimes? You don’t really eat a lot anymore.”

“I think I eat enough” And that’s the truth. 

“You don’t though! You didn’t even eat today. Wooyoung, I don’t think- that’s not-”

“Healthy? I know. I’ll stop at some point,” He probably won’t. “I just wanna get to a point where I’m comfortable enough with myself to know I’m not gonna move backward, that’s all.” he picks at his fingers. Wooyoung doesn’t know where that point is yet; doesn’t know when he’ll finally be satisfied, he assumes he’ll know when he reaches it.

Mingi knows there’s no fighting him on that. 
“And you’ve been dealing with this all alone?” Mingi questions, his mouth downturned with a hint of pity in his eyes.

Wooyoung nods. “I didn’t think- who would I have talked to?”

Mingi firmly engulfs Wooyoung’s hands with his own and looks him straight in the eyes.

“You can talk to me.” 

Chapter Text

“I’M HOME! YOUNG-AH I GOT THOSE CHICKEN SKEWERS YOU LIKE.”

“OTHER PEOPLE LIVE HERE SAN.” 

“YOU BOTH PROBABLY ALREADY ATE! WOOYOUNGIE DIDN’T”

“I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU YELLING IN HERE WHEN IT’S NEAR MIDNIGHT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP”

“I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE YELLING NOW AM I?” 

And just like that, Wooyoung and Ming’s sentimental bubble pops.

“I should go before you guys end up with a noise complaint fine,” Wooyoung sighs.

It's sweet knowing San bought him food without asking. It makes his heart flutter a little…again. He still doesn’t understand the dull burn in his core whenever he thinks about San, so naturally, he ignores it…again.

“They’re always like this. I think they enjoy the fighting a little”

“San definitely enjoys it”

“Why do you say that?”

“He’s friends with me and all we do is fight,” Wooyoung shrugs. Mingi makes a face at that. It’s obvious he picked up on the subtle self-depreciation and his way of calling himself mean or argumentative or annoying or whatever other nasty thing Wooyoung lets himself be convinced he is. 

Before Mingi can respond, his door cracks open and San peeks his head through. He smiles once his cat-like eyes spot Wooyoung, and lets himself into Mingi’s room.

“Ah, I found you. Mingi-ya, the spot I went to had these loaded nachos with chicken and steak in it so I got you some,” He hands Mingi the bag of food, who wastes no time digging in.

“And YOU,” he sharply points at Wooyoung, a heavy base in his voice. Wooyoung rolls his eyes. “I buy you food, and I come home to you cheating on me? Honey, am I not enough for you anymore?” 

Wooyoung crosses his legs and attempts his best damsel in distress pose. “Darling this isn’t what it looks like. You know you’re the only man I have eyes for.” They’re only playing, obviously. The little joke started when Woosan first became a public spectacle in the world of boy love pairings. Back when they were attached at the hip and it was harder to find moments of them apart rather than separated. 

It was the first time Wooyoung had ever rejected him. San was extra clingy that day. It was group movie night. They were cuddling on the couch, San’s scrawny body trying to encompass Wooyoung’s larger one from behind. 

“Wooyoungie,” he whispered in his ear. Wooyoung hummed back, not all that interested in the movie, he and San had gone out to see it when it first came out in theaters.

“Come to my room later and play with me,” he demanded rather than asked. He stopped asking Wooyoung to do things with him when he noticed Wooyoung’s habit of not denying him. It almost worked this time, except Wooyoung already had plans for the night.

“Ah, Sannie I can’t tonight. I’m going out.”

“That's okay I’ll just go with you,” like that was all that simple.

“You can’t come with me this time I’m sorry.” He felt San stiffen behind him.

“Why not?” Wooyoung felt himself getting a little nervous. He couldn’t tell if San was genuinely getting upset.

“I won’t be alone. It’s just a friendly get-together.” He finally turned around to face San who looked like he couldn’t wrap his head around the concept of Wooyung having other friends.

“With who?”

“Yeonjunnie invited me for drinks with a couple of our mutual friends that’s all.” 

“Yeonjunnie?” San spat his name like venom, offended. “I have an idea, don’t go”

“San-ah I can’t just not go. It’s been forever since I’ve seen them, they miss me.”

“And I’ll miss you if you go,” San got up, ready to cause a scene. 

“San oh my gosh. It’s one night and I’m still coming home. And sit down they’re trying to watch the movie”

“You two are way more interesting than the movie,” Yunho snickered.

“Yunho shut up, this is serious. Wooyoung, you don’t have to go with them. You can stay here with me, I don’t see why you even wanna go at all, just don’t go”

“I’m gonna go San. They’re my friends and they want to see me.” This was ridiculous. 

“Am I not your friend? Do I not want to see you? Are you replacing me? Are they better than me?”  Wooyoug would’ve believed his anger had he not seen San trying to suppress his own laughter. He was just playing, Wooyoung realized. It filled him with excitement, he never got to play with any of the other members like this. He smirked to himself.

“Nobody is better than you my heart,” he said, upping his theatrics.

“Then why are you going? Tell me, would your Yeonjunnie, die for you? Because I would. I’d take a bullet for you. You need a new organ? You could take any one of mine and I would lay on that operation table with a smile on my face. Would ‘Yeonjunnie’ do that for you?” 

“I mean probably not-”

“EXACTLY. But you still want to go out and CHEAT ON ME.”

“Sannie please don’t be like this you know you’re the only man for me,” Wooyoung pleaded, so close to cracking.

“I don’t wanna hear it. We took vows Wooyoung. Does amicus ad aras mean nothing to you anymore?” 

Wooyoung couldn’t take it anymore. His laughter echoed and bounced off the walls of their dorm. He clutched the pillow next to him trying to regain his composure, San smiling down at him.

That night, Wooyoung found himself texting San from the table he shared with Yeonjun, Changbin, and a couple of unimportant faces.

Young-ah 🖤: You’re not mad at me right?

San-ah 🏔️: Ah my cute Wooyoungieee~ 

San-ah 🏔️: I could never be mad at you. 

San-ah 🏔️: Did you forget already?

San-ah 🏔️: Maybe you really should’ve stayed home 😹

They had no idea what they were doing back then, no idea where their affection would lead them in private or public. Wooyoung still gets whiplash at times. He remembers when San couldn’t even look at him without making him feel like he’d shattered all of his hopes and dreams to San being unable to go a couple of hours without talking to him or touching him or looking at him to the smooth medium they have now that isn’t as…codependent in nature.

When he looks over at Mingi, he looks entertained by their dramatic display. Behind the amusement in his eyes, Wooyoung can see a slight sadness hiding away there. He wonders what else Mingi keeps locked away in his head that keeps a perpetual sadness reserved. He makes a mental note to ask about that during their next heart-to-heart. Surely, there would be a next. No way in hell did Wooyoung basically share one of the darkest parts of his soul with Mingi without wanting to see his as well.

“I’m gonna go set up everything in my room. You two wrap up your adultery,” San interrupts his wondering.  

“I’ll be there soon.” With the dismissal, Wooyoung goes to gather his phone along with his bearings. Before he can leave, Mingi calls his name once more. Wooyoung turns away from the door to look at him.

“He’s friends with you because he likes you, not because he likes arguing. You know that right?”

“Yeah I know”

—

Entering San’s room, Wooyoung is showered in a wave of relief and relaxation. He’d spent hours in that room and while San’s warmth always lingered in his room, San physically being there makes all the difference. He supposes it’s just a soulmate thing. 

San, sitting against the headboard has his bed set up with his and Wooyoung’s food laid out and Wooyoung’s “Watch Later” playlist pulled up on his laptop. He moved most of his plushies to the basket under his bed to make extra room.

“So what were you and Mingi talking about in there,” he questions. And Choi San has got some nerve to ask Wooyoung what his conversation with Mingi entailed seeing as though the conversation probably would’ve never happened if San came home when he said he would. In all seriousness, Wooyoung is conscious that what was said in Mingi’s room will be staying in Mingi’s room. It’s weird to not tell San something, they tell each other everything. 

“Why? Are you jealous?” he teases. Whether or not he was trying to rile San up to make him switch topics doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t work. 

“No no. It just, I know you weren’t having the best day and when I walked in on you two it seemed a little tense. I just wanted to make sure you were okay that’s all.” And damn Choi San for his tenderness. It brings back that familiar burn deep in his core.

“It was nothing we were just talking about how we feel about the comeback and all the stressors and whatnot.” Gosh, he feels so bad lying to San. But what is he supposed to say? Oh me and Mingi were just having a heart-to-heart about why we hate ourselves a little but don’t worry it’s fine.

“What about you? Why were you so late getting back?”

“Ah, I was leaving my English lesson and a couple Xikers kids stopped me to ask about my fitness” Oh his fitness. “And I was explaining my splits and reps to them but they didn’t understand me well so we ended up just heading to the gym so I could give them a visual representation.”

“So you’re a personal trainer now,” Wooyoung giggles. San would tell anyone willing to listen about his fitness journey. Always so proud of growing into the strong mountain he was born to be. Wooyoung has always found San to be strong, he just had to learn how to focus his strength on himself. San reminds him of Hercules in that way. Not that Wooyoung would ever tell him that.  

“You know I couldn’t help it. They’re still so young and skinny. They remind me of how I was when I first started out. And they were so eager to learn, it’s like they were looking up to me.” They DO look up to you, idiot. San can be so dense sometimes. He lives his life as if he doesn’t know how many eyes are on him at all times. Hell, Wooyoung’s eyes are on him right now. 

“Wow, it’s almost like your constant display of strength, discipline, and kindness has made you some type of role model for them and several other younger idols or something. Wouldn’t that be so insane?” He says in the driest tone possible. With a shove to his shoulder, he settles on a video entitled “What Life Was Like In Medieval Castles.” There won’t be Korean subtitles on the video he knows, but he can pick out bits and pieces, and look up words he doesn’t understand later like he always does. For now, the pictures and San are enough.

Wooyoung makes himself comfortable snuggling into San’s side, blanket up to his shoulders. For the first time all day, he feels truly settled and at peace. Said peace his snatched away from him 30 seconds into the video. 

“Eat your food, Young-ah,” San’s nonchalant voice cuts through the narration about the lack of running water in medieval castles. Wooyoung stiffens in his place. He’s familiar with that tone. It’s a warning. San definitely doesn’t feel like arguing right now and Wooyoung doesn’t either. But that demanding, warning tone is a tell-tale sign that San is willing to go there and wake the whole floor up if need be. Wooyoung hums in return, trying his best to act like he didn’t hear what San had just said. He’s not doing this with him today. Maybe if he doesn’t move, San will forget, though he knows that won’t work.

San sits up, making Wooyoung drop his head into the now empty spot, and pauses the video. “Wooyoung,” he says, voice hard. He’s getting angry. Wooyoung meets his eyes and mentally prepares for a battle he knows he won’t win. San grabs the box of food and holds it towards Wooyoung expectantly. Wooyoung softly pushes his hand away.

“I can’t San-ah, we have a shoot coming up,” he explains, hoping San will understand, though he knows he won’t. This is the one thing San never understands. Wooyoung never eats the night before a photoshoot. His fear of looking bloated or swollen outweighs whatever food that might be offered to him in those 24 hours leading up to the shoot.

“It’s Tuesday. The shoot isn’t until Friday,” San said with a blank look, trying to suppress his growing anger. 

“But-” he tries.

“But nothing. You’re already not going to eat Thursday and don’t try to say you will because we both know how you operate the night before a shoot. And I can tolerate 1 day, but 3 days? That’s not okay. So you’re gonna get up, eat this food, watch the videos, feel better, and go to sleep,” He demands like Wooyoung isn't a grown-ass man. 

“I’ve had a bad day San can’t you just-”

“No. You’re not going to use having a bad day as an excuse to neglect your health. Get up,” he grasps at Wooyoung’s forearms and sits him up against the headboard with minimum effort. Even through his grumpiness, Wooyoung still feels a fuzzy sort of satisfaction at how easy it is for San to manhandle him. It makes him feel small, light, weightless. The thought itself is almost enough to turn his whole day around. His thoughts are interrupted by a box being placed in his lap. “Here. Eat.”

He tries a final attempt. “San-”

“We’re not arguing over this,” San says and it’s really final there. This is something he will wake the entire floor up over.

“You’re so annoying,” Wooyoung huffs. He doesn't mean it. He knows San knows that he doesn't mean it.

It’s with a sigh of resignation and shaky hands that Wooyoung opens the box of food. The savory smell of dak-kkochi hits his nose and before Wooyoung can grab the first stick, the sound of his grumbling stomach echoes through the room. Damn. 

With red cheeks, he meets San’s hard, yet ever gentle gaze. “Do you want me to feed you?” Wooyoung shakes his head no, pouting. He feels annoyance from the day and towards his own body for maybe the thousandth time in his life for successfully embarrassing him again. 

It’s a lot of food. He’ll only eat half, he thinks to himself. Certainly, San didn’t buy all of this just for him, though he would. Wooyoung ends up allowing San to feed him half the food as he feeds the other half to San. 

Resting his head on San’s chest, Wooyoung tries his best to swallow the guilt that claws its way up his throat. It’s different from the guilt he feels when he eats more than he should have allowed himself. It’s an even more painful, daunting, guilt he feels when he thinks that just maybe the tattoos aren’t enough to express everything in his heart.

-

Tuesdays become the unofficial Woo-Gi day. San stays at the company for his English lessons and Wooyoung finds himself sticking to Mingi’s side. Tuesdays aren’t always necessarily vent days. Sometimes they gossip and play games together. Quality time with Mingi isn’t something he thought he’d gravitate to, but now Wooyoung looks forward to Tuesdays for that exact reason.

Today won’t be one of their fun days, because Wooyoung woke up with a specific question in mind.
“Now, what’s the real reason you hate yourself? I meant to ask you that before” Wooyoung implores, eyebrow perfectly arched. “You can talk to me. You know that, yeah?” Mingi freezes, then throws himself down flat on his back with a sigh. 

“You ever been in love with your best friend?”

“Pffft- I’m not in love with Yeosang”

“I wasn’t-…okay,” Mingi looks like he wants to say something, maybe he decided that Wooyoung has been through enough mental torment and that’s why he holds his tongue.
Wooyoung joins him, flopping onto his back.

“So…Yunho?” 

“Yep.” The lack of denial worries Wooyoung. He must be in deep.

“Can’t say I’m surprised. He’s the only one that can give you that princess treatment you need so bad,” Wooyoung jokes. It’s nowhere close to funny. Being in love with your best friend? Wooyoung is sure there are trials in hell less brutal. 

“I’m not the only one in this room who enjoys some princess treatment here and there,” Mingi points out, though everyone knows what type of treatment Wooyoung enjoys.

“Touché.” 

Mingi huffs out a laugh, “He’s just the only one who gets me without me having to say anything. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long he just always knows what to do or say and he’s so caring and attentive. When I was on my hiatus we still talked every day and he made me feel normal, like I wasn’t some type of freak or the horrible person my mind was telling me I was…and he’s hot,” Mingi shrugs with a smirk. Wooyoung cackles and smacks him on the shoulder. “I’m not gonna tell him…because I think he’s straight”

“Please,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes. “If that’s the case you can go ahead and confess right now because he is not a heterosexual man I can tell you that much.”

“There’s also the possibility he doesn’t love me back”

“He loves you plenty”

“-And I’m okay with what we have now. It’s good. It’s not complicated. He’s not toying with me or feeling like he has to be affectionate towards me out of obligation. This is my only sure way of knowing we’ll stay in each other’s lives. I’ll probably be his best man at his wedding and his kids’ favorite uncle in the world. It just feels so selfish to want him in another way than I already have him now you know?”

“Uh, not really?” 

“Huh,” Mingi mumbles to himself, Wooyoung hears him though. 

“What?”

“Nothing. You’ll figure it out later”

“Don’t get cryptic with me right now Mangi, I’m already in a bad mood.”

“Still? Does my presence not lift your spirits to the heavens” he asks with a lopsided smirk, like the cocky bastard he is. Wooyoung doesn’t even fight the small smile creeping up on his face. 

“Only a little. Anyways, your thing is kinda sad and I think you should go for it. It’s Yunho, what’s the worst that could happen.” They both sit up, well Wooyoung does. Mingi assumes the hanging upside-down position from his bed.

“Let’s see, he rejects me, calls me disgusting, and never wants to see me again, Ateez disbands, all of my hair falls out, the world im-” he lists off on his fingers, to which Wooyoung promptly swats at his hands. 

“Shut up. Only one of those things is even remotely possible, and you know he’d never call you disgusting. For fucks sake Mangi he calls you princess. On and off-camera. Disgust wouldn’t even cross his mind. Wait- are you even out to him?” Now that Wooyoung thinks of it, Mingi wasn’t out to him up until a couple of minutes ago. Mingi pauses.

“Not exactly, but come on who wouldn't want him?"

"Heeeey who wouldn't want you too? Honestly, he’s lucky you chose him.” That makes Mingi sigh. He then grabs one of his pillows and screams into it. It’s a long scream. Wooyoung watches as Mingi continues to clutch the pillow to his face, manicured nails digging into the fabric.

“Why can’t he just know how I feel and like me back why do I have to tell him FUUUCK,” he muffles out.

“Awweee Mingi-yah it’ll be okay. Tell him or not you’re always gonna be special to him,” he rubs comforting circles onto his back.

“This is the most frustrating thing in the world. I’m not insecure anymore. I know my worth now. I have nearly everything I’ve ever wanted but this is going to plague me probably forever because he’s the one thing I’d drop anything for.” All Wooyoung gathers is that Mingi is disgustingly poetic…and in love.

“Sounds rough. What do you think his type is? We should find out the next time we all get drunk,” he schemes. A drunk night in would be fun.

“What’s the point? I doubt he’ll describe anything close to me”

“You never know if you don’t ask”

“So what's your type?”

“Oh that’s easy, I like them bigger than me, someone who makes me feel small, someone who could take care of me, someone to make me feel worth loving and feel small, oh I and I love some dimples to top it off or freckles oh or both." There's no undertone for the last one, Wooyoung just finds dimples and freckles adorable.

“So someone like San?”

“Yeah someone like S- excuse me?” There's no way Mingi just said that. That can't be right...

“I was just saying he fits your description that's all”

“No he doesn't”

"You just perfectly described San just now," and he has the GALL to look near laughter.

"No I didn't," he denies. 

"Yes you did."

"Oh my God," Wooyoung can feel his world shifting. This cannot be happening. This is not happening.

“I can’t even entertain those thoughts Mingi.”

“This can’t be the first time you’ve deeply considered how you feel about San” It’s not. But being romantically in love with him seemed out of the question. They’re best friends. Soulmates. Two platonic peas in a pod. They can’t live without each other because- Why couldn’t they live without each other?
  
Wooyoung has no idea where he’d be without San. San, the one who takes care of him the best and makes him want to be a better person just by existing as himself, the only one who truly always saw Wooyoung. Oh damn.

“It is like this! He’s way too good for me. I barely deserve him as it is! I can’t allow myself to think about us being together like that”

“So you’ve never thought about what life would be like welcoming him home after a long day of work to your cute house in the suburbs with a big fancy kitchen where you cook dinner for him and your 2.5 kids and probably a cat-”

“So what if I have?... And how did you know about my kitchen?” He may have thought of it once. It was after he and San spent the day together with Kyungmin. They had so much fun, the little boy cried when he had to go back home and Wooyoung almost cried himself, he couldn’t figure out why. It’s not like that means anything though.

“Whatever. It’s normal to think of how you’ll spend the rest of your life with the people close to you. You’re already thinking about Yunho’s wedding!”

“Yeah, because I’m in love with him, and you're-”

Wooyoung cuts him off before he can say whatever godforsaken statement he was about to say. “He doesn’t even like me that way so it doesn’t matter.”

“He risked his father’s wrath to get a matching tattoo for you,” Mingi points out. How dramatic.

“And that’s enough for me” Is it? It should be.

“Oh please, that man would die for you and he’s said it several times.”

“He’s a selfless man okay! That doesn’t mean he’s in love with me.” 

“It means something though.” Wooyoung throws his hands over his face. He can’t take this, it’s too much.

“It means I shouldn’t ask for more.”

“What if he asks for more?”

“He wouldn’t.” San would never. He's just not the type to put his friendship (or whatever it is they have) at risk for his own feelings. San puts his feelings last all the time.

“But what if he does? Would you say yes? You know how romantic he can get”

"What if Yunho wants more," he counters back.

"If Yunho wants more I'm hopping on that without any second thoughts," Mingi says shamelessly. Wooyoung wishes he was like Mingi, confident, quiet, not annoying, everything Wooyoung isn't.

“...I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” This is not good. “God Mangi what are we gonna do this is really bad,” he worries; his body trembling. Mingi turns to look at him with a grimace.

“Are you freaking out right now?” What kind of question is that?

“What does it look like?” he shouts. He can’t breathe. His chest feels tighter by the second. He feels Mingi grab him and stroke his hair.

“Oh Woo it’ll be okay don’t work yourself up over this,” he shushes him.

“I can’t h-help it,” he hiccups, “how am I- I don’t-” he gasps. He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say. His mind is only now registering how majorly FUCKED he is. He’s not supposed to like- love his best friend. This could ruin everything. 

“Hey hey hey, calm down. There’s a silver lining in this.” Fucking where? Where would the silver lining in being in love with your best friend be?

“You don’t have to tell him.” Wooyoung knows that. It’d probably take his life depending on it for him to willingly confess. 

“I’m not worried about that.” What Wooyoung really worries about is the day that San finally gets tired of him and decides he wants nothing to do with Wooyoung and all of his weird, bratty, self-hating baggage.

Coming out of his panicked haze, he briefly notices his own hypocrisy. He just fully encouraged Mingi to confess to his best friend only to find out he could never bring himself to do the same.

That night, Wooyoung doesn’t go to San’s room like he’d grown accustomed to. Instead, he gets one of the managers to drive him back to his own dorm. The car ride could not be more agonizing. He can’t stop thinking. Would things change? Probably not. But, he can’t decide how he feels about that.

When Wooyoung steps into the dorm, he tries to get to his room as fast as possible. Luckily, the dorm is empty, so he doesn't have to exchange pleasantries. Not that he minds speaking to Jongho and Hongjoong, he's just not in the mood. 

Laying across his bed, he shoves his head under his pillow, and just because he's trying to escape any form of light, his phone lights up. It's Jongho.

"Hey Jjongie"

"Hi Hyung. Hoongjoong-hyung is coming home tonight and wants to treat us to dinner, do you want anything in specific?"

"No, it's alright. You can pick baby." Wooyoung could care less about dinner, he has too much on his mind.

"Steak it is! I'll let Hyung know byeee," He sings and hangs up.

Wooyoung tries his best to enjoy dinner. It's not often that Hongjoong actually comes back to the dorm and the three of them spend time together. So though Wooyoung's appetite is far away he cherishes the steak and conversation before taking himself to bed, where he lies awake wondering what else could go wrong and what could make it better.

Chapter Text

Practice today goes off without a hitch. Even with the entire world weighing down on his mind, Wooyoung prides himself on it not letting it affect his career, it wouldn’t be fair to the members after all. 

His mind travels to what he’ll do after leaving the studio. Today was an early morning to midday practice so there’s still so much time in the day to kill and he thinks maybe the sunny, clear weather will do some good stress relief. Going outside instead of isolating himself in his dark room sounds just perfect, and to make it even more perfect he plans on asking Yeosang to accompany him. Wooyoung, being the social creature he is firmly believes that any activity can be made better with a friend. He doesn’t enjoy solitude, it makes him feel lonely and unwanted.

 A pretty day out with his best friend…he can’t wait. They haven’t been able to spend as much time together since moving to separate apartments but Wooyoung tries his best not to let the distance make too much of a difference. They don’t have set days out of the week to spend time together but anytime Yeosang calls, Wooyoung is there (or bolting towards the door to put his shoes on just in case). 

When Yunho calls the end of practice, Wooyoung skips over to Yeosang and hops onto his sweaty back. He expects Yeosang to pretend to be the Hulk and flex in the mirror like he usually does, but that’s not what happens. Instead, Yeosang just detaches him from his back and mutters a low “get off, you’re heavy,” not even looking at him.

Wooyoung hears it as if Yeosang had screamed it through a megaphone. He can’t help it, after losing weight it’s like his ears pick up anything weight-related in a conversation and send a message to his brain either saying “You’ve done well” or “You’re a pig.’ He tries his best not to take the words to heart. The members make those types of jokes with each other here and there, but never towards Wooyoung. Most of them know how fragile he is when it comes to things like that and try not to give him a reason to go on another diet like he itches to do every day.

So, he brushes the words off and makes an effort to gage Yeosang’s mood. There’s nothing telling about him, only a blank stare, which is his usual face. There aren’t any traces of anger, sadness, or even frustration. Wooyoung knows his best friend is an introverted creature, so reading him can be difficult at times. However, you miss 100% of the chances you don’t take and the worst thing Yeosang can say is no. If he says no, he’ll ask someone else to go with him, maybe Seonghwa or San. 

"No", he learns, is definitely not the worst thing he could say.

“Well hello best friend of infinity whom of which I love so dearly. How are you today?” Wooyoung greets with a cheeky smile.

“M’fine. What do you need” he asks curtly. This is weird. Why is he being so short? Maybe his energy is just low. Something about a social battery.

“Hey, what’s going on? Did I do something to piss you off?”

Yeosang rolls his eyes, like Wooyoung just being close to him is making him mad.

“Nothing's going on, I just said I was fine,” he reaches down to grab his belongings and Wooyoung swears on everything he hears “God you’re annoying,” being whispered under Yeosang’s breath. He probably wasn’t supposed to hear that, and Yeosang wasn't supposed to say that, but Yeosang doesn’t look like he cares what Wooyoung hears at the moment. He doesn’t intend on acknowledging the little comment but he can’t help himself.

“You don’t mean that,” he says to make himself feel better. “Anyways, it’s really pretty outside and I wanted to go out and enjoy the rest of the day with you,” he continues. “We could go by the river or we can go to the skate park and you can skate and I’ll bring my camera and take some pictures of you to post! Atiny will probably really like that. Oh, Hongjoong-hyung just bought me this really good wine we can do one of those sip and paints in that clearing by the-”

“I’ll pass,” his best friend cuts him off.

“You’ll pass on which one?”

“All of it,” he says with finality. Oh. 

“Awe why? Are you busy after this or something? Have someplace to be? Someone to be with?” he wiggles his eyebrows.

This is the part where Yeosang is supposed to knock off the cold attitude he’s fronting and say something silly or funny or anything that won’t make Wooyoung feel like he’s being as harshly rejected as he is.

“No, I’m just going home,” he says like it’s so taxing to give such a simple explanation. 

Why is he acting this way? Wooyoung didn’t do anything to him, he can’t understand why his best friend is treating him like some type of nuisance. Now Wooyoung is starting to get pissed off. 

“Okay fine, I don’t see why you have to be so rude about it though,” and sets himself up to go ask San and Seonghwa if they want to go out. 

“And you don’t have to be so selfish,” Yeosang shoots out. What is that supposed to mean?

“What do you mean I’m selfish? For wanting to spend time with you? What the hell?”

“You just called me rude for not wanting to go out.”

“No, I called you rude because you’ve been acting like I pissed in your protein powder since I walked over here,” Wooyoung points out. He seriously doesn’t understand what his problem is.

“Maybe I just don’t want to be bothered,” he starts. You’re a bother. “But that doesn’t matter to you. You just keep pushing me. I’m just not into doing anything else today.”

Years ago, Wooyoung wouldn’t have said anything; he wouldn’t have questioned him, always ready to preserve Yeosang’s feelings. But they’re older now and they’ve been friends long enough that Wooyoug should be able to tell his best friend of over half a decade that he’s being an ass.

“That’s fine! I understand that part, but why didn’t you just say that in the first place instead of being an asshole about it?” They’re shouting now. The practice room has gone silent. It shouldn’t be that serious, but the tension in the room is undeniable.

“Because you didn’t give me the fucking chance to! You just kept pushing and asking questions and assuming I needed a reason to not want to hang out with you all the time! Do you know how overwhelming that is?” You’re overwhelming.

“We don’t even hang out all the time, why are you acting like I’m trying to live in your skin or something just because I asked to spend the rest of the day with you?” Wooyoung hears his own voice trembling. He’s so confused.

“It’s not just that I–” Yeosang takes a deep breath. “I just want to relax right now and sometimes you’re just too much for me,” he finishes.

Something snaps in Wooyoung.

You’re too much.

If Wooyoung could hear outside of his mind racing, he’d hear Mingi lightly gasp in the back. He’d hear the feet shuffling towards him ready to comfort him. But he can’t hear that. All he can only hear is a repeat of what his best friend had told him and the dramatic beat of his shattered heart plummeting to his core.

Looking into his eyes, he can tell Yeosang regrets what he said but Wooyoung is hurt. The most hurt he’s ever been by someone he holds so near to his heart. More than hurt, he’s confused. 

What did he do? Is he really that bad?

He whispers a light “okay” and makes his way towards the door with his head held down. He doesn’t bother with gathering his things, he can’t care about that right now. He can’t hear Seonghwa, San, and Mingi chasing after him. He can barely hear the manager asking him what’s wrong when he asks him to take him back to his apartment. He can’t hear the birds singing outside and he can’t feel the shower water hitting his skin. He can’t feel the warmth of his sheets as he curls in on himself to feel as small as he can and he can’t hear his phone buzzing with calls and texts. 

All he hears is a new mantra of:

You’re too much.

You’re annoying.

You’re too much.

You’re a bother.

You’re too much.

You’re overwhelming.

You’re too much.

You’re heavy.

You’re too much.

Wooyoung squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to stop the salty stream of tears pouring from them. His worst fears are starting to come true and Wooyoung is terrified. If his best friend is getting tired of him what do the others think about him? Do they think he’s an annoying, overwhelming, bother too? Maybe they think even worse. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. What if they decide they’re better off without him being a member of Ateez? Then one of those nasty, thorned vines that he thought he’d buried long ago whispers something in his ear and he gets an idea.

The absolute last thing Wooyoung should do is open Twitter. He shouldn’t. It’s a terrible idea and he knows it. But his fingers move and scroll to the app faster than his reason once again, and he’s typing his own name in the search bar. The first couple of posts are good. A lot of them talking about him from the most recent variety content the group had just done.

@tinyowl: wooyoung is so adorable idk how the rest of the group isn’t kissing him on the face at every given chance 

@yunhofalls: wooyoung has never met a silence he wasn’t desperate to fill lmaooo i love him  

He doesn’t know how he feels about that slightly backhanded silence comment but it doesn’t phase him like it could. The post that gets under his skin is an innocent one from a thinker/archive account. 

@jwymuseam: WOTD (wooyoung of the day)

Attached is a picture from when he was at his smallest. I looked good. He smirks to himself. He opens the replies.

“he’s so tiny aaaaah i could fit him in my pocket”

“he looked soooo good here”

“I miss this wooyo so much you don’t get it”

It’s then that Wooyoung is hit with the stark realization that he doesn’t look like that anymore. He’s not that small anymore, he doesn’t look as good anymore.

Yeosang’s “ You’re heavy” bounces around his head. And something sick tells him to open his camera roll. He finds a picture of himself from a week ago. He scrolls to his 2020 folder and finds another picture of himself. It was during the Inception music video shoot. The difference is clear. He thinks back on what it was like back then. He’d gotten the most praise he’d ever gotten, he looked good, and nobody was calling him a whale- overwhelming. 

Suddenly, Wooyoung is back in his bed, at the old dorm, scrolling through Twitter and seeing fans call his thighs gigantic and say he was dragging the group down with his weight again. And so, he does what the old Wooyoung did and falls into a familiar walk to the bathroom and slides the digital scale from the corner it’d been hidden away in, and he steps onto it, fully giving in to the oncoming spiral.

Looking down at the number and everything after is deja vu. The shock and mortification is the same as last time, the stripping down in front of the mirror is the same as last time, his own critical eyes and hands analyzing every visible part of his body are the same as last time. The dorm starts feeling too stuffy, he can’t breathe.

 He puts his clothes back on, grabs a hoodie and a pair of sneakers, and rushes out of the apartment. He can’t stay here. He can’t. He doesn’t know where he’s going, only lets the wind and his feet take him wherever. Wooyoung doesn’t like being alone, but he can’t be around anyone right now. 

2 hours into his walk, the stuffy, suffocating feeling doesn’t leave him. The apartment wasn’t the problem. He’s the problem, once again. Well, his body is. He can’t escape his own body, though that doesn’t make the urge to try any less strong. The irrepressible ache to scratch and claw his way out of his own body has him walking around aimlessly for another 3 hours. He doesn’t realize how much time has passed until his eyes find trouble adjusting themselves to his surroundings, illuminated by only moonlight and cars on the road. 

Opening his phone, he goes to check his battery and the time. It’s late. He should get back to his apartment…only he doesn’t know where he is. He takes a look at his phone again and plugs his apartment address into maps for directions. It’s a long walk, and while he could do with burning some calories, it is dark outside, which makes the walk a little more dangerous. So Wooyoung looks around, he finds a 24-hour coffee shop and sits in there. He calls his manager to pick him up and sends him his location. Because even though Wooyoung is sad, he is not stupid. In his wait, he finally gives attention to the slew of messages on his phone.

1 missed call from Yeosangieee

29 missed calls from San-ah 🏔️

3 missed calls from Mangi

8 missed calls from Seonghwa⭐️

Captain: Are you okay??

Captain: Where are you?

Captain: Please come home Wooyoung

Jjong: Hyung where are you? Are you safe?

 Seonghwa⭐️: Wooyoung where are you? Hongjoong said you’re not at home.

 Seonghwa⭐️: We’re very worried

 Seonghwa⭐️: I know you’re upset but please answer the phone 

 Seonghwa⭐️: We just need to know you’re okay

Yunho-yah: Hey are you alright?

Yunho-yah: Mingi looked about ready to punch Yeosang, I’ve never seen him so mad. He really ripped him a new one! I’m really sorry Yeo said that to you, he most likely didn’t mean it don’t take it to heart Woo!

Yunho-yah: They’re saying you’re not home? Where did you go???

Mangi: Yeosang was a dick for telling you that

 San-ah 🏔️: I know you’re hurt right now do you need anything?

 San-ah 🏔️: Where’d you go?

 San-ah 🏔️: Pick up the phone Young-ah

 San-ah 🏔️: I’ll give you your space for now

 San-ah 🏔️: Why are Jongho and Hongjoong asking me if I know where you are? 

 San-ah 🏔️: Are you not at your dorm?

 San-ah 🏔️: Wooyoung answer your phone

 San-ah 🏔️: WHERE ARE YOU?

 San-ah 🏔️: Yeonjun and Changbin are saying they haven’t heard from you either

 San-ah 🏔️: Wooyoung please come home

 San-ah 🏔️: Wooyoung where are you? It’s late you need to come home.

 San-ah 🏔️: I’m this close to calling the police and filing a missing persons report

 San-ah 🏔️: PICK UP THE PHONE

If not for the numbing cloud occupying his entire being, Wooyoung would feel touched, warmed at his members' care for him. But he feels nothing. He feels his eyes sting and well up again. What is wrong with him? As he shoots Hongjoong a quick text saying he’s on his way back, his manager’s black SUV pulls up in front of the coffee shop.

The ride is silent. Wooyoung can appreciate the manager not asking questions, as he’s sure he’ll get an earful of them the second he steps back into his apartment. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t know what to say or how to process anything right now.

 For such a long walk, the drive is far too short for Wooyoung’s liking. Thanking the manager, he climbs out of the car and takes a deep breath, preparing for what’s on the other side of the door. From the outside, he can hear the commotion and shouting.

When Wooyoung walks in, the room falls silent. Seonghwa is the first to run up and wrap Wooyoung in his tight embrace. He holds him close to his chest and runs his hands through his hair. He whispers “I was so worried,” into the crown of his head. Seonghwa takes Wooyoung’s face in his hands, examining for any damage. He knows how bloodshot his eyes probably are. Seonghwa looks crushed taking him in. “Have you been crying? Are you okay?” he asks. Wooyoung only nods. He’s not okay. This is the least okay he’s been in a while, but what could anyone do about that? The last thing Wooyoung wants is to make himself a bigger bother. He looks around the room and sees his members both worried and relieved faces staring back at him. Yeosang approaches him next, slowly. 

“I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry Wooyoung. I don’t know why I acted like that but I shouldn’t have said that to you” He’s telling the truth Wooyoung knows, but all he can give in return is a small smile and an “I know, it’s alright.” He wants so badly to throw himself into Yeosang’s arms…but he just can’t. He doesn’t feel well.

He then acknowledges the rest of the room, “I’m sorry guys. I guess I overreacted a bit,” he chuckles. It’s not funny. Nobody laughs. Mingi, who’s seething in the corner of the couch especially doesn’t find it funny. He looks like he wants to say something, but Wooyoung shakes his head. He just wants this to be over. 

After a moment of awkward silence, Hongjoong speaks up. “I’m just glad you’re safe. We all are.” The members nod in agreement. Wooyoung still can’t feel anything.

Later that night, all 8 of them are still in packed into the apartment. Seonghwa insisted on having dinner together as a team, and Hongjoong offered to pay for the meal. Takeout. Of course. A weird, knowing feeling takes Wooyoung over. During dinner, San yanks him into his lap, refusing to let him out of his grasp or his sight. Wooyoung lets himself be fed, though he feels that eating at all would make everything worse. A text from Mingi catches his eye.

Mangi: You weren’t overreacting in the slightest btw. If I were you I would’ve done way worse 

After prying himself out of San’s hold, the members take their leave. Wooyoung shuffles to his room, not unaware of Hongjoong and Jongho’s eyes following him. When Wooyoung goes to bed that night, his stomach is uncomfortably full, but he finds comfort in the fact that after tonight, he knows he won’t feel that way for a long time.

And so begins the flourishing of Wooyoung’s prickly garden of self-contempt and emptiness.

Chapter Text

Mornings are the best when dieting, Wooyoung thinks. It’s the time of the day a person weighs the least. So when he wakes up the morning after the tragedy that was yesterday, the first thing he does is walk to the bathroom, pee (water weight is unacceptable), and step on the scale. When he sees the number, the shock from yesterday isn’t there but the mortification is all the same. Looking in the mirror, the disgust is all the same. With a slightly clearer head, he lets his hands wander his body. First, Wooyoung decides he doesn’t like his hands. They’re too big, too knoby. Next, his hands stop at his chest area. His chest is nothing special...his collarbones could be more prominent. He straightens his posture  to see if it’ll make a difference…it doesn’t. Then he’s traveling to his midsection. That’s a danger zone. It’s bad enough already that his torso is short, the extra width on it he sees makes him sick. His tummy isn’t as flat anymore, he can see the pudge coming back. Stopping at his legs, another danger zone, his thighs are…he can’t tell. His thighs will look massive to him no matter what anyway. 

Eating once a day again for a while could fix this. It worked the first time and nobody had any real problems with it. Everything is going to be fine because Wooyoung is going to fix this. 

After his self-examination, he slides into the shower to begin his morning routine. A wave of relaxation washes over him with the water. Wooyoung wouldn’t say he liked dieting, that would sound weird. But he can’t deny that he enjoys the sense of safety he feels when he restricts diets. He can’t deny the satisfaction of progress either. 

As he adds his last layer of skin-care product, he hears a knock at the bathroom door. Instead of answering, Wooyoung just opens the door, ready to exit. Jongho greets him on the other side, looking almost nervous, as if they don’t live together. Wooyoung ignores it. He offers a “morning JJongie” Walking away he hears Jongho call him. “Hyung,” he stops him. “You’re okay right?” he asks, with big pathetic eyes. Just like the other few unchanging things in Wooyoung’s life, Jongho will always be a baby in his eyes. Wooyoung can’t resist the urge to walk back and kiss him on the cheek. 

“Awe you’re so sweet. I’m okay,” it’s not a total lie. Maybe he’s not okay at the moment, but he doesn’t feel much of anything right now. But he knows the diet will make him okay, it’ll make him more than okay, it’ll make him better. 

His morning goes on mundanly. He skips breakfast, obviously, goes to his vocal lessons, and then has a dance practice with Yunho, Mingi, and San. Practice is awkward, to say the least. It seems like everyone but Wooyoung wants to talk about yesterday. He ignores the questioning, albeit concerned looks thrown his way and directs all his focus into his moves and the music. It’s raining outside now, he can hear the raindrops pattering on the windows. It makes the mood in the practice room that much more dreary. Is he dragging the mood down? It’s not like he’s doing anything. He’s certainly not his usual self but that shouldn’t throw things off much. Usually, he’s a ball of energy, cracking jokes and easing frustrations, lifting the spirits of everyone in the room. Today he’s quiet, taking direction without a word, and taking very long looks at himself in the mirror. To anyone, it might look like he’s checking himself out, but it’s simply part of his diet regime. He just needs to see how his body weight and size are affecting his dancing that’s all. That’s what he tells himself at least. He tells himself it’s not weird, and that everyone does it. 

During their cool-off stretches, Yunho’s curiosity gets the best of him. “Sooo, are we going to talk about yesterday, or is this one of those things where we just pretend it never happened?” he asks. Mingi promptly elbows him in the side for it. Wooyoung can admit that it’s a good question. He and Yeosang had never had a fight like that before so there wasn’t really a plan of action for the aftermath. He’s fought with San dozens of times and they always make up no more than 12 hours later, one of them caving and apologizing to the other with an empty promise to not argue over small things anymore. With San, it’s easy to not go too far, because even with the teasing and petty arguments, they never want to hurt each other. This is new territory with Yeosang and he doesn’t like it at all, but what can he do? 

“I’m not sure what there is to talk about,” Wooyoung shrugs, resigned from the whole ordeal.

“I’ve just never seen Yeo like that before, did you do or say something beforehand that upset him?” And, correcting him if he’s wrong but…it almost sounds like Yunho is trying put the blame on Wooyoung for the fight. Before he can be normal about it and say something like " no nothing happened before, he really did just kind of lash out at me out of nowhere"  a certain rage takes him over. 

“Why are you assuming I did something? I didn’t do anything!” He snaps. Everyone saw what happened. Everyone was there so why is he the only one being accused? 

“That was just out of character for him is all-”

“But had it been anyone else it would’ve been understandable because I’m just so annoying and have a track record of pissing people off is that it?” 

“NO- no I didn’t say that. I didn’t- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” Unfortunately, he does not care what Yunho means. His emotions have been all over the place as of late and he’s been doing his damnedest to keep them in check and not take them out on his members, but something about it being seen as the root of the problem when he didn’t even do anything is making him want to explode.

“What he means is,” San cuts in, “you and Yeosang are super close and we’ve never seen the two of you fight like that and it clearly affected you pretty badly so we just thought that maybe we missed something. That’s all,” he clarifies. Why is San trying to pacify him instead of defending him? Wooyoung barely resists the urge to roll his eyes. He doesn’t need this right now. 

“Well, to my knowledge, nothing happened before. I went up to him, asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me because it was pretty outside, and he didn’t want to, which is fine, but he was just a real asshole about it. I went out for a little while to clear my head, and he apologized. That’s all I know. Anything else, your guess is as good as mine,” though their guess is probably that Wooyoung had been the instigator and purposely pushing his buttons and poor little Yeosangie just hadn’t said anything for so long and finally reached his breaking point; that Wooyoung had it coming. He wishes they’d give him the same benefit of the doubt they gave Yeosang all the time. They assume the best in Yeosang, but Wooyoung still can’t fetch anyone a drink without hearing a joke about him poisoning it. They assume the worst in Wooyoung and they always have. Even when he first arrived to KQ, they looked at him like he was there to ruin everything instead of adding to the group when he only wanted to be with his best friend who left him. He had to prove himself every day just for them to be in the same room as him outside of mandatory schedules, he bets Yeosang didn’t. He bets they welcomed him with open arms. He’s so tired of having to prove his innocence, having to prove himself to the people he’s given his all to, and evidently, he’s nowhere near good enough in their eyes yet. Maybe it’s because at first, Yeosang was small and Wooyoung wasn’t. Maybe they just saw Yeosang and thought he needed to be protected. Wooyoung wants that for himself. He wants to be seen as someone worth protecting.

“Personally, I think-” Mingi starts, breaking the silence.

“With the way you laid into Yeo yesterday, we know how you feel about it Mingi-yah,” Yunho snickers. 

“And I’d do it again,” he shrugs. “Anyways, which one of you is paying for lunch? It’s not gonna be me because I don’t want to and it’s not gonna be Wooyoung because he’s sad and you’re both bastards if you make him buy you lunch while he’s sad.” Oh…lunch. His meal today will have to be lunch he supposes. It’s fine, breakfast is a no and dinner just makes him feel bloated in the morning. He’ll weigh less in the morning if he eats his meal at lunch instead of dinner anyway. 

“I’m really not sad anymore,” Wooyoung passively waves his hands. 

“Oh, so you wanna buy lunch? Is that what you’re saying,” San teases. Wooyoung covers his face and throws himself into Mingi’s lap with the fakest sob known to man, not wanting to pay. 

“Exactly,” San says, reaching for his phone. “I’ll pay today. Pizza or Japchae,” he asks. Wooyoung is absolutely not eating pizza today so he opts for Japchae. Yunho and Mingi follow suit, probably not wanting to go against his wishes at the moment. 

The serving of Japchae is huge. Wooyoung stares down at it for a while, wondering how much of it he can eat before feeling like whichever fat animal the internet will call him if he gains weight again. He decides half is good. So he eats half and shares the rest with San, who’d taken down his entire bowl in record time. It’s not weird. They share food all the time.

San still gives him a questioning look though. “I’m full,” is all Wooyoung can come up with, a thin smile stretching his lips. Wooyoung isn't sure why he can't just say he's on a diet. They all diet sometimes. It just feels like this is something he should keep to himself.

Wooyoung is saved from any questions by Mingi’s phone ringing. It’s Hongjoong. On Facetime, Wooyoung can hear the rappers talking about meeting up later to discuss verses and production and it makes him smile. He admires them so much.

“Where are you right now?”

“At some restaurant. It was San’s treat because Yunho and Wooyoung got in a little fight.”

“Oh? What did Wooyoung do this time?”

Wooyoung freezes. What the fuck?  

“It was actually Yunho’s fault.”  

Wooyoung pushes himself into the phone frame. “Wah- Hyung! Why do you assume it was me?” he whines with a pout.

“It’s always you Wooyoung.” He hears Hongjoong chuckle over like it’s funny or something. Wooyoung doesn’t find it amusing at all though. He wraps his arms around himself and tries to hide his hurt. Why is it always Wooyoung’s fault? Why is Wooyoung always the problem? Why is it always him? He doesn’t understand. A prickly ivy wraps around his neck and whispers to him that it’s because he’s too big, too much, not small enough, not quiet enough.  

After lunch, everyone goes back to their respective dorms. Wooyoung goes to shower and lay down, but with the Japchae still heavy on his stomach he decides that a trip to the gym will make him feel better. Usually, he only uses the treadmill, but to avoid being “skinny-fat” he does some light reps with the weights. He still doesn’t want to be bulky and look big, he just doesn’t want fat hanging off of his limbs, he’d much rather have a small layer of toned muscle. 

When he finishes his workout, it’s dark outside. He looks down at his phone and doesn’t see any messages or missed calls. Making his way home, all Wooyoung thinks about is how much he’ll weigh tomorrow and how long it’ll take before anyone is proud of him. 

That’s how Wooyoung’s days go for the next couple of weeks. He wakes up, pees, weighs himself and gets ready for the day. He skips breakfast, eats a small lunch, goes to the gym, and lets the aching grumbling in his stomach soothe his mind at night when he skips dinner.

It takes 3 weeks for Wooyoung to see a difference. His face is finally starting to slim down. It’s one of his favorite things to watch shrink. Unnecessary facial weight makes him look rugged, rougher. He doesn’t want to look rough, or aggressive or argumentative, or whatever everyone thinks he is. With a slimmer face, he looks softer, prettier. He almost looks like something delicate and worth protecting. He's just a couple of kgs away.

Chapter Text

It takes a total of three and a half weeks before anyone takes notice of the change in Wooyoung’s appearance, or for the comments to start rolling in anyway. Wooyoung inwardly preens at those comments; the ones that praise him and his smaller look. It takes a month, however, before anyone takes notice of his eating habits. Or lack of eating habits. They aren’t drastic or anything, he thinks; it's the same as last time.

The first incident happens with Hongjoong and Yunho in the kitchen, of course. Hongjoong offered him a small portion of the berries and nuts he was snacking on, and without seeing the harm in eating fruit and the time being within his eating window, Wooyoung shrugged and held his hand out. As he lifted the first berry to his lips, Yunho once again decided that Wooyoung was just incapable of being normal and doing normal things like eating some damn fruit. 

“Whoa Woo, you sure those aren’t too many calories for you?” he teased. First of all, it’s not like Wooyoung is obsessively counting calories or spending his life in the gym. In fact, he finds counting calories and tracking them to be exhausting. He’s too busy for that sort of thing. He usually has small meals that he knows the exact calorie count of and just eats those every day, once a day. There’s nothing wrong with that. He can eat fruit and nuts for Christ’s sake.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, mouth full, already bored of the conversation.

“Oh, it’s just you eat so little these days you know? I’m surprised your stomach can even handle that,” he says in a half-joking tone. Wooyoung isn’t stupid though. He can read between the lines just fine. We see what you're doing. 

Sure, he eats less than average, and sure, he’s not as social as he normally is, but this is all temporary. He’ll stop when the time to stop comes, which will be when he reaches his goal…

What exactly is his goal? 

Wooyoung knows his only overall intention is to get thinner and look like something worth looking at. He supposes he needs an official goalpost after that conversation; so the next morning, Wooyoung goes through his normal routine of weighing himself, and after a month of dieting, he guesses 59.2kg isn’t terribly slow progress. With that number in mind, he approaches the bathroom mirror. It’s not often that he spends extra time in the mirror analyzing himself. Wooyoung doesn’t enjoy looking at himself much. As he turns to the side and stretches his arms in front of him, assessing his side profile, he hums to himself. He pulls out his phone, snaps a quick picture of himself, and types 59.2 in the corner of the picture. From there the photo goes straight into his hidden folder and he zooms in on it.

“So this is 59 on me,” he mumbles. He quickly suppresses the urge to throw his phone across the room and opens his private browser. He scrolls until he gets to the forum he’s been visiting more and more frequently. It’s an anonymous forum where people post their stats and body transformations. Wooyoung doesn’t post on it, for obvious reasons. 

He types in his stats in the search bar: 59.2kg 173cm. Dozens of results appear, all people at 59kg, but Wooyoung is looking for something specific and with a critical eye he finds it. It’s a man, he’s 173 cm, his stature and build similar to Wooyoung’s. His post is a before and after, his before 59.4 kg and his after 54 kg. Wooyoung likes that. He especially likes the way the man’s short torso, nearly identical to his own, looks when accessorized by his slightly protruded rib bones. 

Wooyoung closes out his private browser and returns to his hidden folder. He opens the photo of himself once more and takes one more look. 59.2. It’s not awful but…he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like anything about it. It is awful. A tightness takes over his chest and his breath keeps leaving him faster than he can get it back. Those thorns prick all over his skin and suddenly his skin starts feeling like a trap. As he begins scratching, pinching, and tearing at every inch of his body in a claustrophobic panic he makes a mental note of his new goal.

53 kg. 

—

Losing an entire 6 kilograms is hard. It’s harder than the last time and it’s putting Wooyoung in a very bad mood. It’s been nearly a month and he’s barely lost 4kg. He’s been working so hard, getting as many steps as he possibly can, saying no to his favorite foods, isolating himself from everyone to avoid temptation, and dealing with splitting headaches for a month, and for what? Certainly not to step on the scale and see 55kg staring him in the face. 

Practice comes and goes. Wooyoung pats himself on the back for how well he kept himself together. He joked, laughed, and picked up the choreography with minimal mistakes. His only slip-up was when he caught a glimpse of Seonghwa. He wasn’t staring on purpose when Seonghwa lifted the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat off of his forehead. He couldn’t help the unfiltered envy he felt seeing his abs, or the way his figure would lean in a way that his posture was still perfect.

Seonghwa is an ethereal being, everyone knows that. What everyone doesn’t know, is that Wooyoung cannot stand him for that very reason. Every time he lays his eyes on Seonghwa, all he sees is everything he isn’t and never will be. It’s frustrating, to say the least, which is why Wooyoung actively avoids being around him. When the envy settles itself, it’s soon after that guilt punches him in the gut. He loves Seonghwa so much, as a friend, his hyung, and his teammate, but he hates him so much for what he has. Some things just aren’t fair. Briefly, he wonders how much Seonghwa weighs but he doesn’t really want to know. If Seonghwa weighs less than him, that would only spike his envy tenfold. But if Seonghwa somehow weighed more than Wooyoung…that’s just a slap in the face and life truly is unfair. How come he can’t look like him?

But Wooyoung throws some dirt on top of all of that as he gathers his things and checks his phone. From the other side of the room where he’s stretching, Mingi calls on Wooyoung.

“It’s Tuesday, are you still coming over?”

Before he can confirm their plans, because he definitely intends to, a voice interrupts them.

“Actually, Wooyoungie and I have lunch plans.” 

Whoever said that is a fucking liar. Wooyoung never agreed to any food-related plans with anyone and he hasn’t for the past month and a half. So when he turns to see the culprit of the offending statement, his eyes nearly fall out of his skull when he sees Seonghwa standing behind him.

“We do?” he says in confusion because no they do not.

“Mhm,” Seonghwa hums, raising his perfectly arched eyebrows. It’s almost intimidating. “Don’t worry, Mingi-yah, I’ll have him back to our place early enough so your Tuesday rituals aren’t too disrupted,” he states with finality. Like everything has just been sorted out and it’s all fine. Everything is not fine. 

He turns back to Mingi, praying that he’ll tell Seonghwa no and that they already had non-food-related plans that cannot for any reason be changed or impeded. To his disappointment, all Mingi does is shrug his shoulders. 

“That’s alright, I’ll just see what Yunho’s up to then I’ll see you later Wooyoungie.”

Wooyoung is going to explode. No, he won’t. But he’s not understanding how these random plans that involve him are just being accepted when he never once agreed to them. 

He tries to make up an excuse. “Ah hyung I’m still all sweaty. I need to shower and change clothes and I didn’t bring any clothes with me.” Valid excuse and it’s not a lie. Great job Wooyoung!

“Oh it’s okay I have some spare clothes with me that you can wear and you can just shower at the company.”

Wooyoung freezes at that. Seonghwa has lost his mind. That’s the only explanation for him thinking Wooyoung could fit into his clothes. What is wrong with him?

“Hyung, I can’t fit your clothes I’d probably stretch them out,” he laughs nervously. The self-deprecation causing Mingi to shoot a glare at him.

“Of course, you can fit them,” he dismisses with a wave of his hand, “it’s only an oversized hoodie,” did he just call him oversized? “And some jeans,” he finishes. 

Yup, Seonghwa has gone insane. If Wooyoung tries on a pair of Seonghwa’s jeans there is a high chance that he will actually explode. But he can’t say that, and if he comes up with another excuse, he’s sure Seonghwa will have another solution just waiting in his back pocket. So he accepts the clothes his hyung hands him and makes his way to the shower, wishing for lightning to strike him where he stands (in the middle of the hallway), anything to get him out of this. And because he can’t have a break, he sees the absolute last thing he wants to see on his way there.

San is engaged in an excited conversation with Yeosang about God knows what, with his arm wrapped around his shoulder. 

“Hey Young-ah, I’d thought you’d be in the car with Mingi by now,” he says with a smile. Like nothing is wrong with what’s happening right now.

“Uhm, yeah I have a surprise lunch date with Hwa-hyung so I’m about to shower and change. Don’t you have English lessons?”

San has the nerve to look shocked and Wooyoung knows he’s not shocked at him remembering his schedule. Wooyoung sees another look flash across San’s eyes but he’s not delusional enough to believe it’s jealousy. If it is then it’s probably only a reflection of the jealousy set in his own eyes because San still has his arms wrapped around Yeosang’s shoulder.

“I do, me and Yeosangie are on our way there right now. Then we’re going to the gym together after.” And oh if that doesn’t grind the hell out of Wooyoung’s gears.

“I didn’t know you two had English lessons together,” Wooyoung strains out. He’s trying his best, really. 

“Yeah, there was a lapse in our schedules,” Yeosang butts in. “I wanted to invite you to the gym with us but San-ah said you wouldn’t want to,” and Wooyoung is going to run through the wall. 

“Oh did he?” he turns back to San. Wooyoung knows he’s making it awkward but that’s not his fault. It’s their fault for acting like they’ve been caught doing something scandalous. It also doesn’t help that Wooyoung hasn’t properly made up with Yeosang after that fight so there’s a weird tension between them every time they’re around each other. It’s not that Wooyoung hasn’t forgiven him, he could never stay mad at his best friend for long, but he doesn’t know what to do around him anymore. Taking a step back just seemed like the best option. 

“C’mon Young-ah you hate the gym,” San says nervously, avoiding eye contact. And he’s right. Wooyoung does hate the gym. He doesn’t like exercising and does everything in his power to do the bare minimum when it comes to doing anything other than walking and maybe some sit-ups. But that doesn’t soothe the sting of being left out. His eye does a small twitch before he forces a smile.

“You’re right,” he laughs, “are we still on for tonight?” he asks.

San must’ve expected him to start a fight then and there because he stumbles over himself after letting out of a breath of relief. That stings too.

“O-of course,” he stutters.

“Alright, you two have fun,” and with that he walks off to the showers. Wooyoung deserves an award for that performance and holding himself together so well. 

His shower doesn’t last as a long as he’d like it to. He’d like to prolong this lunch for as long as he can but everyone knows better than to keep Seonghwa waiting for too long. So after drying he throws on the hoodie first and mentally prepares an apology and an “i told you so” to his hyung for when he inevitably rips those jeans. 

He takes a deep breath and pulls the jeans upwards, ready for the embarrassment of them getting stuck at his thighs…but they don’t. 

Wooyoung scans the room, looking for a warped mirror or maybe an out of place lamp or a demon standing behind him, anything to signify that what’s happening isn’t real. How cruel it would be if this is all a dream. The only thing he sees is a text from Seonghwa telling him to hurry up or they would miss the lunch special. 

Woah. His hard work is actually paying off.

Wooyoung feels pride blooming in his chest with every step he takes down the hall. He doesn’t have anyone to celebrate this with but that’s alright. He’s used to being alone this way these days.

Maybe just maybe this should be enough, maybe he could stop here. He’s happy isn’t he? Maybe.

But his imagination takes him somewhere else. To a place where he fits into pants even smaller than these. And so he’s only motivated to go further, to get to 53kg, maybe even smaller. His joy turning into something more sinister by the second. 

—-

The restaurant they end up at is a new one, and Wooyoung has to admit, the lunch special deal is pretty good. You can’t go wrong with 25% off all items. Wooyoung doesn’t care about the prices though, he has no idea what to order. Seonghwa probably doesn’t have to worry about what to order. He could eat anything and not gain a gram. Stupid Seonghwa and his stupid perfect body. 

“So,” Wooyoung starts, “don’t get me wrong hyung, I love spending time with you and all but is today a special occasion that I forgot about?” It gets a chuckle out of Seonghwa but Wooyoung is being dead serious.

“None of that no, hyung just missed you,” he smiles. “You don’t come out as much anymore and when you come to my place on Tuesday it’s for San and Mingi. You never come to me and I was starting to feel a little left out so I had to steal you away for a bit,” he confesses, cheeks slightly red, like he’s embarrassed of wanting to spend time together. 

Wooyoung hates himself so much. He’s been avoiding Seonghwa and made him feel bad. 

“Oh hyung I didn’t know you felt that way. I just didn’t wanna be a bother to you.” Looking at you makes me hate myself and I don’t want to take up too much of your space.

Seonghwa reaches across the table to grab his hand. “You’re never a bother, well, except when you purposely torment me, but really I love having you around. I just-” he pauses, “maybe you can stop by my room on Tuesdays too?” He looks at him with those big hopeful eyes and oh Wooyoung hates himself so much.

“Yeah, I can do that,” he agrees, easily, because Seonghwa looks so nervous and the guilt will tear him to shreds if he says no. Seonghwa smiles so brightly that it confuses Wooyoung. Why would the prospect of hanging out with him have anyone that excited?

“So, what are you thinking of getting Youngie? This place has really good reviews on their tteokbokki” That’ll be a hell no from Wooyoung. 

“Ah that sounds good we can get a plate to share,” he says. This is so uncomfortable. Maybe he can get away with only eating 25% of that serving without Seonghwa noticing. But Seonghwa just has to notice everything doesn’t he? Which is why he’s looking at Wooyoung like he’s grown an extra eye on his forehead.

“Why on earth would we split a side dish?” he questions, confusion taking over his face. “I mean, we can if that’s what you’d prefer but the servings aren’t that big to begin with so I just thought that-” Oh fuck this.

“I’m just trying not to eat too much sugar these days that’s all,” Wooyoung tries to calm him. That stops Seonghwa mid-ramble.

“Oh,” his expression falters, “are you dieting?” Duh!

“It’s not really anything serious! I’ve just noticed my face being a little puffier recently and I didn’t want to make the makeup noonas’ jobs any harder and it’s doing well for my skin.” Wooyoung has rehearsed this line so many times, it rolls off his tongue without a stutter.

“But you’re not trying to lose weight or anything? That’s good, you look like you’ve lost quite a bit already.” Wooyoung bites back a grin. That’s the second time his ego has been stroked today and the sun is still up, he might do some extra cardio tomorrow just for the hell of it. “Maybe I should cut back on my sugar intake too, my skin has been so dry these days”

“That’s nonsense you always look amazing hyung,” Wooyoung allows himself to stare, unashamed. Seonghwa really does always look amazing. Even in casual clothes and baseball cap he easily outshines everyone else in the room.

“You’re just saying that because I’m treating you,” he teases. “Now how about we both get some meat?”

——

The rest of lunch goes surprisingly well. Wooyoung hadn’t realized how much he’d missed Seonghwa.

Arriving to Mingi’s room, he finds the door locked. That’s weird. Mingi doesn’t lock his door during the day. Before Wooyoung has to knock, the door opens to Yunho standing before him.

Oh ho ho. 

“Hey Woo, we were just talking,” didn’t ask, “but I can just leave now if-” 

“Oh no no no I couldn’t possibly interrupt you two. Mingi and I can just catch up next time. You go back now,” and with that he forcibly turns Yunho around and pushes him back into the room, giving him no space to argue. He’s nothing if not a good wingman.

To: Mangi

Boys in the room? Locked doors?? My my Mangi you have got some explaining to do…

After sending Mingi that text, he makes himself comfortable in San’s bed and before he knows if, he dozes off. It’s not long before he’s being gently shaken awake.

He only hums back and scoots over to make room for San on the bed. “Cmon wake up I wanted to watch a movie with you,” he can hear the pout in San’s voice.

The movie they end up watching is old. Black and white colored old, in English, of course, with no subtitles. It’s a romance, Wooyoung can tell that much.

“Young-ah,” San whispers, “I have a question and you can’t get mad at me alright?” 

“No promises but go ahead,” he doesn’t lift his head from San’s chest. His heart is beating so fast.

“Are you okay?”

What a weird question.

“Yeah. Never better,” he whispers back.

“And you’d tell me if you weren’t okay, right?”

Of course not.

“Of course.”

Chapter Text

When Wooyoung wakes up he stares at the ceiling. He wraps his arms across his abdomen and exhales a deep exhausted sigh. He doesn’t understand why waking up in the morning is starting to feel like such a daunting task. Just existing feels heavy and burdensome. Something nasty says it's because his existence is a burden in general, not just to himself but to everyone around him. Maybe that’s why a dark thunderous cloud plagues him, constantly dampening his mood. Wooyoung usually chalks that up to him being tired. Being tired has been his go-to excuse for most things and he has no idea where all his energy has gone. He doesn’t rest as well as he should these days. He tells himself that maybe the mattress he bought isn’t all that great; that it has absolutely nothing at all to do with his body and how his bones rubbing against his skin makes lying down a tad uncomfortable. 

If he doesn’t see a 53 blinking up at him today he might do something horrific.

Wooyoung doesn’t know why he’s so anxious to get up and do what he does every morning. Something about today feels off; he isn’t sure why his personal dark cloud is pouring impending doom over his head as he shuffles to the bathroom. 

He stares at the scale for a while, paralyzed with the knowledge that what he sees will dictate how the rest of his day goes. He figures it’s best to just get it over with. His heart beats at a rhythm so fast, that Wooyoung feels it through his entire body. As he strips down and steps on the scale, he shuts his eyes, tight, as if bracing for impact.

When he looks down he nearly jumps into the ceiling…out of excitement. Seeing that 52.3 flashing at him in all its bright ugly orange glory gives Wooyoung a burst of energy he hasn’t felt in months. Instead of a backflip he settles for a fist pump and practically dances through the rest of his morning routine. He even sings in the shower.

Jongho and Hongjoong are already waiting for him in the living room when he emerges from the bathroom. 

“What’s got you so chipper this morning?” Hongjoong questions immediately; and instead of saying that he’s finally free from his self-inflicted suffering, Wooyoung bounces over to the two and wraps his arms around them, ignoring their squirming. 

“Your hands are so cold, hyung,” Jongho hisses. Wooyoung is cold all the time now. He used to run warm; he doesn’t care.

“Can’t I just be happy for no reason at all,” he says as they move towards the door. In the car, Wooyoung plays his happiest playlist. Deafened by his music and blinded by joy he doesn’t notice Hongjoong and Jongho exchanging glances and whispers about his strange behavior.

—

The rest of the members are already there when they arrive at the company. Wooyoung saunters over to the couch and drapes himself across Yunho, Mingi, and Seonghwa’s laps.

“What’s gotten into you,” Yunho asks, baffled. Wooyoung doesn’t say anything. He only giggles softly to himself.

“He’s been like that all morning, we don’t know. Just let him be,” Hongjoong supplies, not wanting anyone to question whatever’s gotten Wooyoung anywhere remotely near his old non-grouchy self.

“I like him like this he’s like a cat almost. It’s cute,” Seonghwa gently runs a hand through Wooyoung’s hair. He watches Wooyoung’s relaxed smile, like nothing could ever harm him.

The lead manager walks in, the sound of the door grabbing everyone’s attention. “As you all know, today is measurement and fitting day. We have more staffing in the department on hand so this shouldn’t take long at all. The designs for your upcoming appearances are not completed yet so today is only mostly measuring and trying on base pieces so the stylist and designers can cater to your body types. So no pins and needles today.” 

Fitting day is Wooyoung’s arch nemesis, he dreads them. All the members walk around half-naked getting poked, pinched, and sinched. And even with his elevated mood, he can think of at least 10 other places he’d rather be, one of them being Hell.

The room is chaotic, as expected. Wooyoung is still lying on the couch waiting to be called. Most of the members are being dragged around to be measured and play dress up, half-naked, as expected. Briefly, very briefly, Wooyoung lets his eyes wander. All the members seem to have put on a layer of muscle, some more than others…and then there’s Wooyoung. Gosh, he hates this so much.

“Wooyoung-ssi, you’re up,” one of the stylists calls. She’s new, he can tell. He takes a deep breath, hoping that when he exhales he’ll transport back home. He shuffles his way to the open platform, which is conveniently enough, next to Yeosang’s. 

“Alright, we’re going to start off with getting your measurements just to save time during your try-ons.”  That makes enough sense. He won’t have to squeeze into anything that doesn’t fit him if they already know his size. Wooyoung likes her. “Please strip.” Wooyoung does not like her. 

“Woah, slow down, you could take me out to dinner first,” he flirts. He hopes that his charm will give him enough time to mentally prepare himself for what he can only guess will be a disaster. As the new stylist stutters and fumbles about her words, Wooyoung remembers he didn’t check himself out in the mirror this morning. He knows how much he weighs, but has no idea what he looks like. He can’t do this. 

“Wooyoung-ah stop giving her a hard time,” Hongjoong calls out, bringing him back to the present. 

“I was only joking, Captain,” Wooyoung smirks. As he removes his hoodie, he tells himself he can’t look bad. He’s 52 freaking kilograms for crying out loud. If anything he looks like that man from the forum. It should be fine. 

By the time he’s down to his boxers, the room has gone silent. Wooyoung crosses his arms over his abdomen, a habit he’d been attached to since his trainee days. 

“Are-” Yunho starts, but is interrupted by Seonghwa throwing something at him and a rapid headshake. 

“It’s cold in here,” Wooyoung murmurs, trying to look at anything but another person. The measurements go fine, Wooyoung doesn’t want to know what they were. He sees the stylist write them down and take them to one of the older stylists. Before he can start trying to escape out of his skin, because he can feel the eyes on him, both the stylists come back, and hand him a fluffy robe that he definitely plans on taking back with him. 

“Wooyoung-ssi, we noticed that your measurements have changed a lot from your last ones a couple of months ago, and we’re checking now but we’re not sure we have pants small enough for you. We can try your base pieces from last time and just work the alterations so we know what to order when the time comes.” Satisfaction shoots throughout his bones.

“Oh…does this mean I’m getting pinned and needled,” he pouts.

“Only a little.”

—

Before Wooyoung can finish pulling his hoodie back over his head, he’s being dragged to an empty room. Yeosang stands before him, red in the face. He looks angry and this time Wooyoung knows for a fact he hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe his best friend just hates him now or something.

“What’s the matter with you?” 

“What’s the matter with me is that I can see your fucking spine.”

Wooyoung does not care for his tone. 

“Well, I am a human. Most of us have spines,” he crosses his arms.

“Don’t be a smartass Woo I’m being serious. What have you been doing?”

Wooyoung doesn’t know what to say other than the blunt truth. He’s not doing anything wrong and it would be nice if people would mind their own bodies instead of watching Wooyoung’s. Still, he can’t shake the warm feeling in his tummy that grows at Yeosang’s concern. He cares about him. He’s small enough to be cared for.

“Nothing it’s just a diet literally everyone does it.” 

“Okay sure, and when is it going to end,” Yeosang pries further. It catches Wooyoung off guard. The diet should technically be over today. He reached his goal weight after all. But there’s still an itch he can’t seem to scratch at just yet.

“Soon alright? Stop worrying it’s fine.” With that, Wooyoung saunters back to where the rest of the members are, his good mood only slightly dampened. 

The manager seems to be waiting for him and Yeosang to come back so he can continue whatever he was saying.

“Now as I was saying, these clothes won’t be worn for about a month and they're not going to be able to handle room for large fluctuations. Do not lose or gain more than 5 kilograms during the break, I'm looking at you Wooyoung-ssi.” 

What was that supposed to mean?

Wooyoung puts on his most dramatic puppy eyes as he says, “I sincerely promise not to gain weight for the month manager-nim.”

He hears someone scoff behind him. He doesn’t know what their problem is, Wooyoung is the one who’s always being scrutinized about his weight. If anything, he should be the one scoffing, he should flip a table over. 

“That’s not w-” 

Wooyoung tunes him out. He knows exactly what the manager meant. How could he be an asset to the team if he’s too fat to fit his clothes?

His thoughts are interrupted by Seonghwa clearing his throat. 

“Everyone, the captain and I were talking and we decided that since we have no upcoming schedules we should have a family night.”

“When?” Wooyoung asks immediately. Not that he doesn’t love his members dearly, but solitude has become a close friend of his. He doesn’t have the energy for family night.

“Tonight.” Great. “And it’s not negotiable, all of you are coming and we’re eating and drinking a BUNCH.” 

And this is why Wooyoung is an atheist. If there was a god he wouldn’t do this to him. 

 “I’m paying so everyone can get whatever they want. My treat to all of you for working so hard.”

The rest of the members whoop around him in joy, but all Woyoung hears is the scolding he’ll get if he gains weight. He hears what the fans will say about him. He hears the jokes the members will make. Anxiety claws up his chest until his throat is raw and he can’t find any air to breath.

And for the first time, Wooyoung finds himself afraid to eat.

Chapter Text

Wooyoung has accepted his fate. He’s not escaping family night. He has no plausible excuse to skip family night and Seonghwa made it very clear that it was nonnegotiable so he’s just going to have to suck it up and deal.

He thinks to himself maybe it won’t be too bad. Hopefully everyone will be too indulged in their own meals to take notice of what he eats, which won’t be much if Wooyoung has anything to say about it.

There’s no separation or alone time before family night. This means no stopping back at his own room to grab anything because Seonghwa keeps anything and everything stocked at all times. ‘Just in case’ he always says. 

It’s early in the afternoon when they all pile into their respective vans and Wooyoung needs a nap. He can’t prepare for the family time stress and be awake at the same time, he just can’t. He feels a wave a nausea every time the vans stop at a convenience store looking for an overtly specific snack or a hole in the wall because San just swears they have the best steak. Wooyoung doesn’t get out of the car.

The food and snack runs take all of 3 hours because his hyungs weren’t kidding when they said everyone could get whatever they wanted. But when Wooyoung is lightly shaken awake, he’s met with expectant eyes on him. “You’re our last run Youngie, what are you feeling like,” Hongjoong asks so gently it makes him want to cry. He doesn’t want anything.

“Uh, I don’t know. I don’t have much of an appetite so maybe i’ll just snack a lot.”

“No you’re getting a meal and you’re going to eat it,” Hongjoong says sharply. His quick loss of temper makes Wooyoung flinch. Is Hongjoong…mad at him? A panic sets into his chest. He doesn’t want to make anyone mad or annoyed. Maybe his captain is finally losing his patience with him. Wooyoung can’t let that happen. 

“I’ll just have whatever you have Hyung,” he barely whispers. 

Hongjoong takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap like that,” his face softens. He’s looking at Wooyoung with so much pity it sort of makes him sick. “It’s just that- you know what never mind. It’s fine if you get what I get.” He turns back around and starts typing something on his phone. Wooyoung brings up his legs and rests his chin on his knees.

“You don’t care about the food do you Hyung,” Jongho whispers. It’s a layered question, Wooyoung knows. All he does is shake his head. He doesn’t care at all about the food.

Truthfully, he may care a little too much.

—

Everyone is drunk. Not Wooyoung though. He read somewhere that alcohol can slow down metabolism and digestion or something like that. He’s tipsy at best but he refuses to eat whatever the hell it is that Hongjoong decided they’d have and have the alcohol keeping it from leaving his body properly. 

The group sits in an imperfect circle. San and Yeosang share the couch, which doesn’t piss him off at all, Hongjoong sits in the recliner with Seonghwa draped on its arm. Wooyoung opts for the floor, ignoring how uncomfortable it is on his tailbone. Jongho and Mingi sit on either side of him and Yunho sits directly in front of him.

Yunho’s been weird all day. He’s been staring at Wooyoung like he owes him something, but he hasn’t said anything, so Wooyoung has no problem.

“We should all play a game.”  Yes! Wooyoung loves games.

“Truth or Dare?” Not that game. Anything but that game.

“I’m too drunk to do dares,” Yeosang mutters.

“Truth or Truth?” Yunho suggest. That actually might be worse. Everyone has been a little too nosey as of late and just to Wooyoung's luck, everyone agrees to Truth or Truth. 

They’ve played this game dozens of times. No dares, no bottle spinning, no cards, just picking someone and asking a question and drinking penalties. Funny enough, Wooyoung was the one to introduce this game to the group to get everyone comfortable with each other. There’s no winner, only inebriation an shame.

“I’ll go first,” Seonghwa volunteers from the arm of Hongjoong’s seat. That’s when Wooyoung grabs a beer. He’s not doing this sober.

“Hmmmm, San, what was your most scandalous dream?” 

“Me and-” San, red in the face stops before he can incriminate himself and takes a shot. Shame.

“Coward,” Mingi coughs. It makes Wooyoung snicker.

San squints at him. “Mingi, what’s a lie you’ve never got caught for.” 

“I don’t tell lies,” Mingi says smoothly. “But, once I saw you use Seonghwa’s last face mask and pretended I didn’t know about it to keep the peace.”

“I fucking knew it!” Seonghwa shouts!

“I’m sorry Hyung I was having a breakout it was an emergency!” San whines.

“Jongho, who’s someone you pretend to like but secretly don’t?” Mingi asks. The room erupts in ooohs.

“Every variety show host we’ve met. They’re weird and say mean things to you guys”

“Aweeee” Wooyoung wraps both arms around Jongho, “My baby that’s so sweet,” and Jongho just lets him. 

“I’ll give my question to you, I’m not the curious about you all today,” Jongho offers.

“Alright,” Wooyoung shrugs. Oh! It’s time to be the wingman of a lifetime. “Yunho, who are you most attracted to right now?” he asks menacingly. Cue another round of ooohs.  He feels Mingi grab the back of his hoodie.

“Easy, Mingi” he leans back on his hand, confident. And Wooyoung is definitely getting wingman of the year yes he is. He squeezes Mingi’s hand. If he could squeeze the words “I told you so” like morse code he would. The loud commentary from the rest of the group doesn’t last long though.

“But since you asked me that,” uh oh. “Wooyoung how much do you weigh right now.”

What the fuck?

The room falls silent. “Yeah, actually I wanna know that too,” Yeosang chimes in.

“Yeah you’ve lost a lot of weight recently.”

“I noticed that too.”

Oooh what the hell? Why is everyone jumping in on him right now?

Wooyoung decides then and there that he doesn’t have to comply with the rules of Truth or Truth and he doesn’t recall putting his right hand on the bible so he’s going to lie. This is not court.

“Um, I don’t know,” he tries to be casual about it. Like his weight is no big deal to him. 

“Oh you don’t know?” Yunho mocks. What is his problem? “There’s a scale in here right? Mingi would you grab the scale for us?” This is starting to feel a lot like court.

“Mingi will do no such thing because he is drunk and has no coordination right now.” Wooyoung fights.

“It’s true i’m drunk and have no coordination right now,” he agrees. And Wooyoung takes a second to acknowledge that Mingi is a real life angel sent to him by a higher power.

“I’ll grab it,” Hongjoong, who hasn’t said a word during the game, stands up. This is not happening

“How about I just go and weigh myself and then come back and tell you,” Wooyoung bargains, already pushing himself to stand, ignoring the dizziness that takes over him. 

“No I want to see for myself, I’m sure everyone agrees,” Yunho stops him. Before Wooyoung can plot a grand escape out of this, Hongjoong is already back with the scale. It seems everyone has found some sort of sobriety to cling on to. 

“I really don’t see why this needs to happen but fine,” he’s about step onto the scale but it Yunho, stops him again.

“Take your hoodie off first.” This is overkill. Wooyoung shrugs off his hoodie, annoyed and steps on the scale before anyone else can say anything or strip him naked.

He looks up, to the side, anywhere but the scale or the members.

“What the fuck,” he hears Yunho gasp. 

Wooyoung glances downwards, 52.4 kg. Could be worse with how much he just ate.

“Can I have my hoodie back i’m freezing,” he tries to move past all of this. 

“Yeah I bet you are. You have no body fat or muscle or really anything on you to keep you warm.” Yunho says. 

“That’s not okay, you know that right?” Hongjoong says, looking almost half as stressed as Wooyoung feels.

“What is this an intervention?” Wooyoung bites. He didn’t sign up for this.

“Have you not been eating well?” Seonghwa grabs onto him, similar to what he did when Wooyoung disappeared after his fight with Yeosang. 

Yeosang uncurls himself from the ball he was in moments before. “To be honest, and I’m saying this as your best friend, you’re really scaring people. Nobody wanted to say anything because you’re an adult and all but we saw you during the fittings and this is just getting out of hand,” he speaks his piece. 

“I told you I have everything under control,” Wooyoung hisses. 

“You obviously don’t,” Yunho scoffs.

“Okay, Yunho that’s enough,” Seonghwa steps in. 

“How are you of all people okay with this?” he explodes.

“I’m not okay with this and you know it but pushing him like this is not going to help,” Seonghwa stresses. Wooyoung has no idea what they’re talking about but he’s getting real tired of people talking about him like he’s not even in the room.Who even said he needed help? He’s fine!

“Can you stop acting like I’m some bad child? I haven’t done anything wrong,” Wooyoung defends. Its just not fair how they’re talking about him like he has some type of problem. Wooyoung had a problem and he got rid of it. He’s fine now, nearly perfect.

“Have you seen yourself? You look sick Woo. I’m not trying to be an asshole right now- San help me out here,” Yunho pleads and tears well up in Wooyoung’s eyes. This is so humiliating. San looks conflicted. Hopefully, he’ll spare Wooyoung and stay out of this. 

Instead of speaking, San rises from the couch and guides Wooyoung to his room. After shutting and locking the door, San takes a deep breath. They sit on the edge of his bed in silence. Usually, San’s room is a place of comfort, but right now the air is so tense that Wooyoung feels like he could suffocate. His hands hold and ring at each other as he waits for San to say something, anything. He knows he must look pathetic right now. Eyes wet, cheeks blotchy, nose red. 

“Why’d you bring me in here?” he sniffles.

“Figured you needed a break from all that,” San watches him carefully.

“You okay?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Never better.”

“And you’d tell me if you weren’t okay, right?”

“No,” his voice wobbles.

“Come here,” San opens his arms, and that’s all Wooyoung needs to fall into him. He clutches onto San like a lifeline and sobs. His body shakes and trembles as his cries escape his chest and San just holds him through it.

Once he’s calmed down, San continues to hold him. “What’s going on with you, hmmm?” he whispers into his hair. 

“I-I thought I was finally starting to look okay, and now everybody is saying I look sick, b-but I worked really hard to get to this point,” Wooyoung hiccups. “It’s not fair.”

“What do you mean finally?” San furrows his brows. “Did you not like how you looked before?”

“Not really.” Wooyoung can’t even look him in the eye. “I was too big.” I was too much.

“I think you were beautiful.” A single tear slips out of Wooyoung’s eye. His heart can’t take this.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re always so beautiful to me,” he says earnestly. “But I can’t have you disappearing on me. You’re much too small now and that’s not healthy for you.”

“So you think I look sick too?”

San cups Wooyoung’s face in his hands. “Young-ah I think-” A knock on the door cuts him off. 

The door opens to reveal Mingi with a bottle of soju. Oh come on!

“Sorry to kill the moment, but I had to come and check on you.” He hands Wooyoung the bottle. “And just so you know, this was not a setup or meant to be an intervention. It really was just supposed to be a regular family night. I think Yunho just had that on his chest for a while, and the alcohol got him all bold.”

Honestly, Wooyoung forgot about that impromptu intervention the second San called him beautiful. But now that he remembers…he downs have the bottle. The alcohol does nothing to soothe the embarrassment. He scoffs.

“You should tell your boyfriend to mind his business.”

“First of all,” Mingi defends, “he is not my boyfriend. And try not to be too upset at him. I know he was a little out of line but it’s only because he cares and he’s worried.” 

“Yeah whatever,” Wooyoung mutters, already knowing what he’ll have to do to ease everyone’s worries for the night. “Come on, let’s go back,” he stands.

When they get back to the living room, Wooyoung doesn’t speak to anyone; he just sits on the floor and grabs three large slices of pizza and immediately gets to eating. He hasn’t indulged this way in forever, he doesn’t enjoy it much anymore. 

He looks up to find everyone staring at him; all their faces varying from shocked to confused. Wooyoung rolls his eyes. Isn’t this what they wanted?

“So are we gonna keep playing or is it time for a movie?” Wooyoung asks nonchalantly. 

“Movie. I think we all know enough about each other,” Jongho decides. 

Everyone settles into a somewhat normal silence as the movie plays. Wooyoung isn’t paying attention to the movie though, all he can think about it is the pizza and how heavy it’s going to make him.

——

Wooyoung is not bulimic. He does not make himself throw up. Kneeling over the toilet bowl he blames the greasy pizza and alcohol. Briefly, however, he wonders if him vomiting cancels out those bad decisions from the previous night. Not that he’d do it again or anything, he’s not bulimic.

After he washes his face and thoroughly rinses his mouth out, he finds Hongjoong and Seonghwa waiting for him at the door. 

“We need to have a talk. Right now.” Hongjoong says. He looks so serious. Wooyoung wonders what he did wrong now and when he’ll be able to catch a break.

While the rest of the members are still asleep, draped across different areas of the living room, Wooyoung trudges behind his Hyungs to Seonghwa’s room. 

Seonghwa sits on the edge of his bed and pats the spot next to him for Wooyoung to sit down. Hongjoong takes a seat at the desk. It’s obvious they’re doing the good cop bad cop bit.

“Firstly, we want to apologize for how last night went. We were all drunk and that wasn’t the time to talk about your delicate situation. So, we’re sorry for that.” He says. Seonghwa nods next to him.

“Second, because I don’t sugarcoat things when it comes to health, you need to gain some weight.”

“WHAT? WHY?” Wooyoung shouts. Why on Earth would they want him to gain weight when he just reached his goal? Absolutely not.

“You can either handle it yourself, we help you, or we get professionals involved,” he continues.

“I’m not- we don’t-” Wooyoung can’t understand this.

“Wooyoung this isn’t up for debate.”

“IT’S MY BODY.”

“Wooyoungie,” Seonghwa cuts in, “we’re not sure what you’ve been doing but you are way too thin now,” he says gently. He rubs circles onto Wooyoung’s back, freezing when he feels the protruding bones. He goes back to the motions but Wooyoung notices all the same.  “It’s not that we want to control you or your looks. It’s fine if you want to be thin but you have to be within healthy limits and you’re way out of that range. You’re too small now and with our profession it’s important that you stay healthy and strong. And on top of that you haven’t been your usual self. You’ve been a recluse and grumpy and-”

“We chalked it up to you just being hangry from your diet but Seonghwa thinks it’s something deeper and since he’s been in a similar position before, I think it’s best you listen to him.” Hongjoong finishes.

This is ridiculous. Wait- what does he mean Seonghwa was in similar position? Certainly not perfect Seonghwa with the body crafted by gods. Not him.

“What are you talking about?” he says, more confused than angry now.

“I really wanted abs for Inception because they choreographed a shirt raise. I went on this crazy diet and it worked but after promotions I was barely eating at all. I looked terrible and I felt terrible and I was terrible to all of you. At some point I was even afraid to eat. Hongjoong had to pull me out of it but it was really difficult because I had my mind dead set on being thin and having abs. I’m glad he helped me though because the way I was going I would’ve ended up in the hospital,” Seonghwa explains. Wooyoung’s chest tightens. It’s so sad that his Hyung went through that….but that’s not Wooyoung. Wooyoung is fine and he has everything under control and he doesn’t need help because he doesn’t have a problem.

“Hyungie I promise I’m fine. I’m not sick or anything. Plus, our manager and stylists said we can’t gain or lose 5 kilos,” he tries.

“Yeah I already told them you’ll be gaining more than that. You need to put on at least 6,” Hongjoong cuts him off. 

6?!? Has he lost his mind?

“Hyung, I can’t do that. Please don’t make me,” Wooyoung pleads.

“I’m sorry Woo, but you can’t continue like this. We can’t allow you to. So do you want help, or can you do it yourself?”

There’s very obviously no way out of this. So Wooyoung complies, even though his mind is screaming for him to do the exact opposite. He takes a deep breath, trying to keep his oncoming tears at bay. 

“I’ll do it myself,” he mumbles.

“Can I trust you to do it yourself?” Hongjoong looks him dead in the eye. The honest answer is no. Wooyoung doesn’t even trust himself to purposely gain 6 kilograms. But, telling the truth is a habit that’s escaped Wooyoung not too long ago. So he lies again.

“Yes Hyung.” 

——

Wooyoung’s been more irritable. He doesn’t mean to be, San knows, but he just can't help it.

“San just leave me alone I swear to god-”

“No. Not until you stop being mad at me.” San, with those goddamn shoulders, blocks him from moving any further. Wooyoung takes a deep inhale through his nose. He will not snap at San. He won’t. He just needs to be by himself and cool down for a moment. That’s all.

“I’m not even mad anymore, just move out of my way San-ah. Please.”

“You said we wouldn’t fight over stuff like this anymore.”

“I also SAID not to eat my fruit bars in the freezer didn’t I?”

“You did but-

“Okay, so why did I come back home and my last one is missing?”

“Young-ah I just don’t understand why this is such a big deal, you barely eat anyway-“ and that’s just the wrong thing to say.

“That's exactly why it’s a big deal,” he wants to explode. It’s just not fair. San wouldn’t understand why the fruit bars were important, because they’re not even ice cream, barely considered popsicles for Christ’s sake. They are frozen bars of fruit. Nothing special nothing especially tasty. But of course, San couldn’t understand why the fruit bars are important to Wooyoung because San never had those as the one treat he allowed himself to have that didn’t make him feel like a fucking pig. San never had to worry about fitting food he could actually enjoy into a caloric deficit. San has always been skinny; all he had to do was get permission from the company to inhale food and turn the weight into muscle. But Wooyoung didn’t want to gain weight or build muscle. He was busting his ass to lose it. he works so so so hard to lose it and he now he has people up his ass looking for him to gain weight and he just wants to come home to a fucking fruit bar-

“Look I’m really sorry Young-ah. I’ll buy you another box.” San must notice him silently spirally himself into further distress, the deep red burning across his cheeks and tears sitting at his waterline driving San immediately into his rescue.

Wooyoung looks down at his watch and checks the time. A bright 5:55 pm flashes back on him and tears well up in his eyes. San, ever panicked and confused, immediately snatches him into a hug not knowing what else to do. He knows Wooyoung has been struggling, everybody knows, but he hasn’t the faintest idea on how to help.

“Two boxes? Right now! I’ll buy you 2 boxes right now! And I won’t even eat one I promise,” San pleads. All Wooyoung can do is sigh and respond with a weak “don’t bother” because now it’s 5:57 pm and his eating window closes in 3 minutes. He’s seriously not even mad anymore. Maybe it’s because he can never stay mad at San. San is so sweet to him and this is another one of those moments when Wooyoung honestly feels like it’s more than he deserves.

“Are you sure?” San asks, still clutching Wooyoung for dear life.  Wooyoung nods, face smooshed into San’s chest. He isn’t sure at all. In fact, he would love nothing more than to go to the store and enjoy his favorite end-of-the-day snack with his favorite person in the world, but he can’t right now. Not until he meets his goal.

“Yeah. I’m sorry for getting angry and being mean to you,” he mumbles.

“It’s okay. If something is important to you then it should be important to me too.”

“Not everything. This is actually stupid and now I’m mad at myself for getting mad at you,” Wooyoung wrings at his fingers. 

“It’s alright. Go get some sleep,” San pecks his forehead and sends him off.

When Wooyoung wakes up in the morning there are 3 boxes of fruit bars all labeled with his name on them. There are also 2 floor length mirrors missing from the apartment.