Chapter Text
Bette had to be a masochist. She had to be a masochist because it was the only explanation as to why she’d stupidly agreed to a month’s worth of self-defence classes with Tina.
Yes, that Tina: her ex-girlfriend, the love of her life, the woman who’d shattered her heart into a million tiny pieces without an apparent care in the world. However you wanted to call her, she was one and the same.
When Tina had proposed the idea - she’d mentioned it casually, as if it were an afterthought, whilst dropping off Angie - Bette had failed to think of a friendly reason to refuse. After all, Tina made some excellent points. What if one of them was attacked whilst out with Angie and they were the only thing that stood between their little girl and unknown horrors out in the world? Didn’t she want to be prepared?
It sounded awful to refuse under those conditions. Of course Bette wanted to say no, but she couldn’t exactly tell Tina the reason why. The one group session they’d done with their friends after the robbery at The Planet had been torture: being forced to pair up with Tina and feeling the warmth of her soft, supple body, being close enough to smell her shampoo and the sweat on her skin…she was practically emotionally edged in a room with a dozen other women.
Willingly signing up for four more sessions without the safety of a group was asking for trouble. But clearly it was a one-sided concern as Tina had seemed fine at the close proximity and she obviously felt comfortable enough to suggest doing more sessions together.
In the end, Bette really had no choice. She was just going to have to suck it up. And what was a month, anyway? All she had to do was avoid touching Tina wherever possible and maybe hope that Tina would forget to wear deodorant.
It would be fine. Totally, totally fine.
On the day of the first session, they met outside the gym. Tina had beaten Bette there and was already waiting on the bench outside. She had her eyes closed, head tilted back against the sun, her finger casually looping around her earphone lead.
Bette assured herself that she was behaving entirely normally when she stopped a few feet away to prolong the sight of her ex. She was just prepping for the impending class, steeling up her nerves because she had to be the best student and she always secretly worried that someone else might show her up.
It had absolutely nothing to do with anything else.
When she was ready, Bette put on the friendliest, most platonic smile she could. “Tina, hi.”
Tina opened her eyes and grinned up at Bette like she was the best thing she’d seen all day. “Hey, Bette.” She stood up, tucked her earphones into her jacket pocket and pushed a stray hair behind her ear, oblivious that the movement made Bette want to reach forward and do it for her. “You ready?”
Tina was wearing form-fitting shorts which reached her mid-thigh and a top that Bette knew rode up to expose her midriff when she sweated. Was she ready? They hadn’t even stepped foot inside the gym and she already knew it was going to be hell.
Bette poured all of her energy into ensuring that her smile didn’t waver. She was nowhere near ready for an hour of complete torture, but it was too late now.
“Yes. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting long.”
“Oh no, don’t worry, I got here early,” Tina smiled.
“Eager, huh?”
In Bette’s delusional mind, Tina’s smile tipped over into something almost flirtatious as she replied, “You could say that.” But then the moment passed and Tina had turned her back, waving for Bette to follow. “Come on, we should get inside.”
The first session really wasn’t so bad. There was a lot of new information to learn despite them already having taken a self-defence class before, and it was mortifying - to Bette at least - to see how little she’d retained. But at least they were too busy focusing and following examples from the instructor for Bette to remember why she’d been worried about the whole thing.
At the end of the session, the instructor announced that the last exercise would be to practise breaking free from a chokehold. It was then that Bette remembered exactly why she hadn’t wanted to do this.
Tina was oblivious to Bette’s internal panic. “So,” Tina said, turning to her with a cheery smile. “How do you wanna do this?”
The words almost didn’t register as Bette was too swept up in the thought of having her arm around Tina, or Tina having her arm around her. Shit, what if she ended up doing something crazy like smelling her hair?
“I…” Bette tried to shake the vision of burying her face in Tina’s neck and inhaling. It was hard, because she knew that Tina had washed her hair that morning because it was fluffy and bouncy and - and holy fucking hell, she had Jodi who she loved, what was wrong with her? “Um, I - I don’t mind. You pick.”
“Are you happy if I do you first?”
“Yeah, you can do -” Bette abruptly cut herself off. “Yes,” Bette said shortly.
Following the instructor’s orders, Bette allowed Tina to press up behind her, a movement which caused all thoughts to promptly evaporate from her brain.
This was even worse than she’d remembered. Tina’s body was unfathomably hot today, like she’d been sat in the sauna just waiting for this opportunity to torture her.
Tina wrapped her arm around her neck. Bette did her best to take some calming breaths, hoping that Tina couldn’t hear how her heartrate had accelerated. She could feel her ex’s warm breath tickling the back of her ear. Surely this was going to kill her.
She fought against the maddening urge to close her eyes. You are in a room full of people. You have a girlfriend. You have a GIRLFRIEND, she internally chanted.
They waited for an agonisingly long ten seconds whilst the instructor showed an incompetent pair of women how to get into position. Bette was busy cursing their extended families - weren’t they aware that Bette was on the verge of a mental breakdown and now was not the time to be confused about how to get into a simple chokehold? - when Tina shifted, her chest brushing against Bette’s back.
Bette swore that if Tina’s arm hadn’t been holding her in place, she would’ve leapt forward as if she’d been electrocuted.
“Are you okay?” Tina’s voice was soft and concerned, but Bette’s body reacted as if she’d whispered something filthy in her ear.
Agreeing to this was by far the worst idea she’d ever had. She knew she should’ve pretended to be sick.
“Uh-huh.” It came out as a pathetic squeak. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not feeling claustrophobic? Your heart’s beating really fast.”
Humiliation wasn’t a strong enough word. Bette searched for something, anything to say, to explain why her heart was thundering and why she was sweating a lot more than was warranted in the air-conditioned room.
“Um. Maybe - maybe it is claustrophobia,” Bette eventually said, falling back on Tina’s suggestion.
“Do you want me to let go for a minute?”
“No!” Bette knew she looked and sounded mad as she grabbed Tina’s arm, forcing her ex to retain her position. Heat soared up her neck as the woman next to them frowned at her, looking her up and down like she’d lost her marbles.
Bette didn’t want Tina to let go because she didn’t want her ex to see how flustered she was. At least if she broke out of the chokehold first, she could blame her frazzled appearance on the physical effort. “I just - no, it’s fine, it’ll be over soon.”
Tina’s other hand suddenly appeared on Bette’s waist. For one mad moment, Bette’s mind ran away from her in a sudden fantasy where Tina slipped underneath her shirt and went down, down, down -
“As long as you’re sure.” Tina still sounded soft and concerned, unaware of Bette’s fantasies.
Bette inhaled a shaky breath, hoping against hope that Tina couldn’t hear how it rattled in her lungs. If Tina knew what she was thinking, she’d be horrified.
The instructor was finally ready. She had never been so eager to follow instructions in her life, breaking free from the chokehold as fast as she could. Tina reeled back at the force, her eyes widening in surprise before an impressed smile lit up her face.
Bette hated how the sight made her stomach swoop. Tina had used to look at her like that all the time after she would pull something great off at work, but she’d stopped looking at her with any kind of warmth after Bette had gone and fucked everything up.
“Wow, I can tell nobody’s gonna catch you off-guard,” Tina laughed, her nose crinkling.
Bette said nothing, not trusting herself to speak. The instructor’s voice was like fizzing in her ears as she stepped behind Tina, conscious to keep space between their bodies. She put her arm around Tina’s neck, careful not to apply any real pressure to her throat. She didn’t want to hurt her. God knew she’d already done that enough in this lifetime.
Tina didn’t hold back when breaking free; Bette caught herself just in time so she didn’t tumble to the floor. She was shocked at the sheer force Tina had used before she saw the wicked grin on her face and she realised that her ex had done it as revenge for her own overzealous attempt.
Bette laughed in pleasant surprise, but she also hoped the sound would cover up her nerves because Tina’s sudden show of strength had been a lot hotter than she’d ever like to admit. “Wow, nice. I guess nobody will be catching you off-guard, either.”
“Nope.” Tina popped the ‘p’ and grinned. “Thank you for coming with me today, by the way. I know there are other things you could be doing with your time.”
“Oh no, of course. I like spending time with you.” Tina’s smile widened at the words but Bette panicked that it had been too honest, so she hurriedly tacked on, “And it’s mostly for Angie, who is obviously, you know…the…the main…reason…” Bette awkwardly tailed off.
Tina thankfully didn’t draw attention to Bette’s inept social skills. She just chuckled as they walked to the side where their bags were and prepared to leave.
“Of course. You’d do anything for Angie. We both would.”
Outside, they parted ways on the steps. Bette was proud of herself for getting through the session; she felt a little ridiculous now for worrying so much. Of course everything had turned out fine.
“Oh, Bette?”
Bette turned at the sound of her voice. Tina had stopped a few paces away, phone in hand, body still angled to leave.
“Yeah, T?”
Tina smiled. “I forgot to mention, you looked really good in there. I’ve always loved seeing you hot and bothered.”
Tina cheerfully waved goodbye as if she hadn’t just turned Bette’s world upside down, turning on her heel and practically skipping down the street.
Bette stood there dumbly, staring after Tina open-mouthed. Because -
What?
What?
…
What the fuck had she gotten herself into?
The sensible option would have been to send Tina a professional but polite email informing her that she would no longer be able to attend the classes. Going back would be asking for a disaster, because ever since that first session, things had gotten…well, weird.
Over the past week, if they found themselves alone in a room, it was like the normal rules of reality stopped functioning. Bette was no longer able to maintain conversation if she was looking directly at Tina; it was like she was the sun and if she looked too long, she’d go blind or mad or maybe both.
Tina was also acting strange, mostly in that she was almost behaving as if the past two years hadn’t even happened. She’d developed a new habit of gazing longingly into Bette’s eyes whilst standing in her doorway handing over Angie in the afternoon. It was not necessary for Tina to turn a simple child drop-off into an erotic staring contest, but that was the reality Bette had found herself in.
But it wasn’t like Bette was encouraging it. No, of course she wasn’t. She had Jodi and they were very happy. If Tina wanted to keep doing whatever the hell she was doing, well, there was really nothing that Bette could do about it.
That was what she told herself, anyway.
So, all in all, she probably shouldn’t have gone back for the second session. It was a bad idea, in every sense of the word.
And yet here she was, self-consciously checking her hair before she got out of the car.
Tina was waiting for her in the same place as last time outside the gym. Her jacket was already off, tied around her waist; her biceps were on full display, sun-kissed freckles dotted across her shoulders. Bette’s only saving grace was that Tina’s eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses so she wouldn’t slip into her new perilous habit of searching for a sign that Tina wanted Bette to do something utterly insane such as kiss her. Because that really would be crazy. Completely crazy.
They hadn’t had a real kiss in years. Bette wasn’t even sure she remembered when their last real kiss had been. We’re just friends now, Bette scolded herself as her brain unhelpfully began to search for Bette and Tina - Greatest Kisses. She prayed that if she just said it enough, she’d believe it.
And anyway, she had Jodi. She loved Jodi. Whatever this was with Tina would pass. Soon Bette would have her rational mind back and she’d be able to laugh at this bout of summer madness, because the fact of the matter was that you couldn’t find a relationship deader than she and Tina. They’d both gone to extreme lengths to throw everything they had together into a blender and then they’d set fire to it, so how the hell this temporary lapse of insanity was occurring in the first place had to be some kind of glitch in the universe.
Or maybe it’s a sign we’re meant to be together, a hopeful whisper piped up in Bette’s mind.
Bette mentally kicked that inner voice into a closet and locked the door, plastering on a polite smile when she reached Tina. They were friends. Friends.
“Hey, T.” See? Friends. “You look nice and warm.” Huh? Where the hell had that come from? "I mean - you just, you look -” It was like she was standing outside of her own body and she could hear how she was only making it worse.
Tina tilted her head, amused. “It’s a warm day,” Tina agreed, kind enough not to tease.
Bette was just glad that she was wearing sunglasses too because she wasn’t sure she could handle Tina seeing how obviously flustered she was. “Let’s just go in,” Bette lamely said.
If Bette had been uncertain about Tina’s intentions last week, by the time they were halfway through the class, there were no doubts left in her mind. They were doing mat work today and whilst the instructor emphasised close proximity was a necessity to learn the moves, there was no justifiable explanation for why Tina kept pushing her ass into her at every opportunity. The madness reached a climax when they had to practise escaping from a pinned position on the floor and Tina decided to lower her entire body atop Bette’s.
It was simply not necessary, but how was Bette supposed to tell Tina to stop when a) she didn’t want to draw attention to Whatever Was Happening, and B) the ugly, selfish part of her didn’t want her to stop?
Tina had her fully pinned, her hands comfortably but firmly holding her wrists against the mat. Her blonde fringe fell down over her eyes, tickling the edge of Bette’s cheek.
Bette stared up at her ex like a rabbit in headlights. She felt torn between wanting to run and begging the fox to come closer.
“You don’t have to look so scared. I’m not going to hurt you.”
Bette narrowed her eyes. Of course Tina would find taunting her funny. “Don’t laugh at me, Tina.”
“I’m not laughing,” Tina laughed.
Bette just wanted to wipe the smirk off Tina’s face, so she did something she knew was guaranteed to get a reaction without fully thinking through the consequences. She bent her leg and lifted her hips in a sudden motion and pushed firmly against Tina’s core.
Tina’s laughter dispersed into a gasp.
For a moment, they both froze, both of them stunned at Bette’s audacity.
At once, panic began to swarm inside Bette: fuck, she really shouldn’t have done that. Shit, why had she done that? What was she thinking, risking the friendship she and Tina had worked so hard to rebuild? How could she be so reckless as to -?
Bette sharply inhaled as Tina subtly but deliberately ground down on Bette’s raised thigh. Oh god.
No. No. They were in a room full of people. They couldn’t do this. It was wrong. So, so wrong.
But everyone else was practising. Nobody was paying any attention to them.
Overcome with madness, Bette pushed up again, slower and firmer. Tina’s eyes fluttered closed, her breath catching in her throat. Then she shifted downwards again, the movement tantalisingly slow and purposeful.
Bette pushed up. Tina pushed down.
Bette’s breathing was rapidly growing unsteady. This was so wrong. She was absolutely going to hell for this.
Yet the thought of stopping simply didn’t feel like an option. She was transfixed by the sight of Tina’s cheeks flushing pink, her eyelashes fluttering in desire.
They were crossing all of the boundaries right now but Bette couldn’t remember why she was supposed to care. God, she just wanted to touch her. She really, really wanted to touch her. She wanted to -
“Everything okay over there?”
It was like getting doused in cold water. Tina’s eyes flew open and Bette dropped her leg as if they’d been shot. Karen, the self-defence instructor, was walking towards them.
Bette’s heart was about to pound out of her chest. Tina’s breathing was laboured, her cheeks flushed dark pink, and Bette knew from years of experience that meant Tina was a few minutes of teasing away from grabbing Bette’s hand and pushing it inside her underwear.
Bette had to swallow back a whimper as memories of Tina in the bedroom threatened to overwhelm her sanity.
When Karen reached them, she thankfully didn’t seem to have a clue that two of her clients had been near-enough dry-humping on one of her mats.
Tina was in no position to speak, her face angled away as she tried to steady her breathing, so it was up to Bette to get rid of the instructor. Fucking Karen. How dare she take an interest in her own paying clients.
“Just taking a breather,” Bette said, her voice convincingly strained for the wrong reasons.
Karen nodded, oblivious. “I understand. It can be surprisingly tiring learning all of these positions. Keep up the good work, okay?”
“You bet.” Bette dropped her smile as soon as Karen had walked off.
Bette cleared her throat, nervous now that the crazed fog had lifted. She hoped Tina wasn’t mad at her. She didn’t even know why she’d done that: it could’ve ruined everything. And there really was too much at stake to fuck things up between them again. They had Angie to think about.
It was nostalgia, and maybe something in the LA water system making her unbearably horny. It had to be.
The other possibility wasn’t something Bette felt ready to properly consider.
“T…are you okay?”
When Tina finally looked at her, Bette’s heart dropped into her stomach as she saw Tina’s half-lidded gaze, her mouth bruised pink in arousal.
“I’d forgotten how hot you make me. You’re a fucking bitch for doing it here, though,” Tina whispered.
Bette swore she would have leaned up and kissed her had they not been in a room full of people. But the desire frightened her to death, because this was Tina, and she was with Jodi now, and Bette was determined not to cheat again, she wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t.
Tina saw the fear in Bette's eyes and some of the lust swiftly cleared from her gaze; it was replaced with an achingly soft and understanding look.
Somehow, that look was even worse than the lustful one. It was the soft look which Tina kept giving her lately, the one which terrified Bette and kept her awake at night wondering if Tina could, maybe, just might possibly, love her again one day. The only thought which frightened her more than the possibility of being entrusted with Tina’s love again was the possibility that she might’ve never truly lost it to begin with, because if that was the case, how had they let everything get so fucking complicated?
Tina let go of Bette’s wrists and moved to sit cross-legged on the mat. Bette stayed prone on the floor and closed her eyes, trying to convince herself that all of that hadn’t just really happened.
Fuck. Fuck.
Tina. This was Tina.
And she had Jodi. Jodi, her girlfriend. Who she loved. She did love her. Didn’t she?
God, she was so fucking screwed.
Bette spent the next week jumping through hoops to avoid Tina; the only communication they had were a total of four texts, all of which were short and about Angie. She’d successfully avoided seeing Tina in person because she’d managed to wrangle Kit - without telling her sister a thing - into passing Angie over.
But now the week was over and it was time for her third self-defence class with Tina. The memory of their last session was hanging over her like a thundercloud. She honestly hadn’t planned on coming to the self-defence class today, but at half-five she’d found herself changing into her gym clothes and getting in the car.
After what’d happened last time, it seemed crazy to come, because she and Tina didn't work. They’d tried too many times before and it’d gone up in flames every time and wasn’t the definition of insanity doing something over and over again expecting different results?
But here she was again. She headed over to the gym with her bag slung over her shoulder, walking slowly as if her pace would have the power to change anything. She didn’t even know what she was going to say. The last time they’d seen each other, Bette had run out of the gym claiming that she had a very important work meeting which she’d forgotten about, leaving Tina and her flushed cheeks behind.
Tina hadn’t even tried to stop her from leaving.
Maybe it was hypocritical, but Bette had tried and failed not to think about that the whole drive home.
Today, Tina was sitting on the bench as if not wanting to draw attention to herself. Her shoulders were hunched, her arms folded, her earphones in as she stared off down the street in the opposite direction to Bette.
Bette wondered what she was thinking about. Oh, what she would give to have a look inside of Tina Kennard’s mind. She’d known her for the better part of a decade and sometimes she still didn’t have the slightest clue as to what she was thinking.
Maybe if she did, they would still be together.
She cut that thought short. It was too dangerous.
She was walking up the steps when Tina turned and saw her. Tina’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“You came. I didn’t think…well, I wasn’t sure you would.”
Bette dropped her gaze to the floor, scuffing her shoe against the ground.
“If we’re being honest, I wasn’t sure I was going to come either.”
“Oh.”
Bette’s heart ached. Tina sounded so sad. She hated it. She hated that even after all this time, she kept finding new ways to make Tina sad.
Bette cleared her throat and adjusted the bag on her shoulder. “Well, shall we-?”
“I’m sorry,” Tina interrupted. Bette’s neck clicked from how fast she looked up. “I didn’t mean to make things weird or - or difficult.”
“Tina, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. It was me who -” Bette paused, her heart skipping as she recalled the sight of Tina hovering over her. Bette swallowed. “It was all me. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“I did nothing to stop you. It was both of us.”
“Well, I suppose that’s true.”
“I don’t want this to be weird, Bette. I like - I really like hanging out with you. I know you’re with Jodi and I know how happy she makes you. I didn’t mean to - I don’t know.” Tina looked down at her hands. “I’m not trying to get in the way of that.”
The words should’ve felt reassuring, but instead she felt like Tina had punched her in the gut. The problem was, Bette had no idea what she wanted. Everything was just so confusing and fucked up. This time last year, she would’ve leapt at any sign Tina wanted her like that again.
But it wasn’t last year anymore. Things were different now.
Bette forced a smile, not wanting Tina to see how confused she felt and how badly she was hurting inside. She didn’t know if Tina noticed it was a fake smile. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted Tina to notice.
Like everything when it came to Tina, she just didn’t know.
“I know you’re not,” Bette replied softly. “And you should know that I’m not trying to get in the way of you and Brenda.”
“We only went out that one time. It was fun, but…” Tina shrugged. “I don’t know. She was kind of a lot for me.”
“Oh.” Bette bit her cheek to keep herself from smiling. She shouldn’t be smiling because Tina and Brenda didn’t work out. She was supposed to want Tina to be happy.
And she did want Tina to be happy, of course she did, it was just…well, the thought of Tina and Brenda kind of made Bette want to throw things.
“I’m hoping we can still be friends. So…can we?”
It was sickeningly endearing how nervous Tina looked. Bette softly smiled at her to ease her nerves. Despite everything, Bette was immeasurably relieved just to know that they hadn’t erased all of the progress they’d made.
It would be okay. They were going to be normal friends and co-parents and everything was going to be just fine.
“Of course we’re friends, T. I’ll always be your friend,” Bette said sincerely.
Bette pulled her in for a hug and Tina melted in her arms, slotting into Bette’s body like she belonged there. Bette closed her eyes and inhaled: Tina was wearing a different perfume which she didn’t recognise, but Tina’s skin still smelled like the papaya body wash she’d used when they’d lived together.
“You’ve changed your shampoo,” Tina murmured.
Bette smiled, a fuzzy feeling in her stomach at the reminder that Tina still remembered the little details about her.
“It’s the same brand, just the apple version instead. They were out of the coconut.”
Tina hummed, resting her cheek against Bette’s shoulder. “It’s really nice.”
“Yeah, I like it. I think I’ll get it again.”
“You should.”
They fell quiet and just stood there, breathing each other in. Bette was glad they were in a part of town where it was unlikely anyone would see them because she was sure their friends would have something to say about how long and intimate this hug was turning out to be.
Eventually Tina exhaled a soft sigh against Bette’s shoulder, briefly tightening her arms around her torso. “We should probably go inside if we don’t want to be late.”
Bette delayed replying, savouring the extra few seconds in which she got to feel the warm press of Tina’s body. Sooner than she would’ve liked, she relented to Tina’s suggestion. She didn’t really have a valid excuse as to why they would continue standing outside any longer.
As Tina slowly untangled herself and stepped away, Bette realised that she’d been tracing her fingers up and down Tina’s back. Bette’s fingertips tingled with the loss as her hands fell dumbly at her sides. She clenched them into fists and quickly stuffed them in her pockets, maddened by the temptation to reach out and pull her in again.
“You’re really lucky you have Jodi. She’s a great person,” Tina said randomly.
Tina’s hair was falling into her eyes, the evening sun shining behind her head making the tips of her ears glow dust pink. Bette ached to hug her, to touch her, to do anything with her again.
But Tina was right: Jodi. Jodi was smart and talented and witty and she’d lit Bette up again, showed her that there was still life and love to experience. Jodi had dragged her out of a despair she hadn’t even known had been suffocating her more and more everyday.
Jodi was wonderful and Bette adored her.
“She is,” Bette said earnestly. “She’s…she’s incredible.”
Tina nodded as if Bette had confirmed the answer to something obvious. Then Tina awkwardly laughed and picked up her bag from the bench and gestured for them to head towards the door. Bette followed behind, the words she’d omitted lying heavy underneath her tongue.
They got through the whole third session without any incident. Tina’s hands didn’t linger, Bette was conscious not to press too close, and the conversation stayed strictly PG-13. And it was genuinely fun. It was good being Tina’s friend, good to be around her without feeling like she was going mad.
After the session, they walked to the gym’s café and bought fruit juices. Bette slowly walked Tina back to her car, they hugged goodbye (and Bette resisted the urge to inhale Tina’s skin this time) then Bette headed back to her car alone and everything was fine, fine, fine. She turned the radio up and tried to drown out her thoughts with Whitney Houston but it didn’t quite work because she could still hear echoes of what she’d stopped herself from saying outside on the pavement.
You’re right, Jodi is great, and I adore her. But it doesn’t really compare.
She’s not you.