Chapter Text
{HEHET~! 🍎}
It’s just after eleven when the lock clicks, signalling Jongho’s return to the dorm. He’s home much earlier than he expected to be. Still, he’s being as quiet as he can be — only opening the door enough to slip his body through the gap, closing it carefully behind him, holding his breath as he kicks his shoes off.
The living room is dark, but the television is still casting its electronic blue-light like a net. It’s quiet. Too quiet for Yeosang, Mingi, and Yunho to be awake. Jongho can see their heads, all lined up in a row, peaking over the back of the sofa, but they’re not moving. They’re definitely asleep. If Jongho wasn’t so eager to disappear, he’d have taken the time to carry his hyungs off to their beds.
As it goes, Jongho is desperate to make it to the bathroom undetected — where he plans to take a hot shower before he goes to sleep. He’s not feeling great. He’s feeling decidedly off. He knows the shower will help rebalance his emotions; he knows the warm water will wash away his discomfort; he just has to get there for it to happen.
With his teeth clamped together in anticipation, he starts to tiptoe through the living room, his shoulders raised up by his ears as he creeps through the darkness like a roaming vampire. Before he knows it, he’s halfway there. Halfway to peace. Halfway to locking himself in the bathroom and finally taking a deep breath. He’s so close to being—
‘Jongho?’ a sleep-riddled voice calls out from the sofa. Yunho. Jongho looks across the room, to where the television is illuminating him, rendering him an inquisitive silhouette. ‘You’re back already? Did you have fun on your date with Haesoo?’
And isn’t that the question? The question Jongho is desperate not to answer. Realistically, the bathroom isn’t that far away, he could still make it. He just has to answer Yunho’s question calmly and walk away with an ounce of confidence. That's all it would take; it's simple enough.
Jongho knows that if any of his hyungs see him properly, if they observe him for more than a split second in a properly lit room, they’ll know he’s upset. They have functioning eyes. And then he’ll have to explain everything to them, and he really doesn’t want to do that. In fact, he doesn’t want to talk about any of this at all. Because everything’s fine. So fine. Super fine. Finer than fine. And isn’t life just great?
‘Jongho?’ Yunho calls out again, and now he sounds a little concerned. Actually concerned. Like he’ll need to hear a convincing answer. Jongho curses himself, you were too slow, you absolute idiot!
‘Hey, are you okay?’ Yunho asks, carefully pushing himself up off the sofa. He's clearly in a hurry to check on their youngest, but he's trying not to disturb the others in the process.
Jongho wants to scream. Yunho can’t get any closer to him. Jongho knows that he looks off . He spent twenty minutes in the stairwell trying to look less off. He looks so weird right now. Like he’s not right in a way that’s hard to explain. It’s like his whole aura is wrong somehow. And Yunho is only a few steps away from discovering that. That can't happen. No. No. No. No. No.
‘Yeah. Y-yeah, I’m... I’m—’ Jongho stutters. Oh my god , he’s such an idiot. He curls his fists and squeezes them as hard as he can, he feels his nails bite into his palms. It hurts, and he grimaces. He’s so annoyed with himself right now. You better g et it together, Choi Jongho!
‘Jongho,' Yunho urges again, rapidly approaching him. Okay, so this is happening. Jongho glances at the sofa, the other two are still fast asleep. At least there’s that. At least Jongho is only embarrassing himself in front of one of his hyungs. That’s good, isn’t it? It’s certainly the best he can hope for at this point.
‘I’m okay,' Jongho whispers, his eyes cast down.
Yunho steps in front of him, unconvinced. Don’t look up.
Yunho has inadvertently blocked Jongho’s path to the bathroom. Blocked his escape. Blocked his poorly-lit path to freedom. There’s no getting away now. Great. How wonderful. ‘I’m fine, hyung, really. Nothing happened.’
‘Okay?' Yunho says carefully. Reaching out and taking one of Jongho’s tightly curled fists into his own gentle hands. Slowly opening it up and pulling his fingernails away from his palm. ‘Jongho, baby, what’s going on?’
‘N-nothing happened, hyung,' Jongho says again, like he’s malfunctioning, and that makes Yunho frown. When Jongho glances up, he sees how deeply his puppy-like hyung’s eyebrows are furrowed. He loathes himself for being the cause of that.
‘Alright, but you’ve said that twice now?' Yunho offers cautiously, his voice pitched low with worry. He’s beginning to sound nervous, it’s like Jongho’s own anxiety is contagious. ‘I’m starting to believe that something did happen.’
Jongho can’t think of anything productive to say to that, so he just stays quiet. He’s not going to lie. Not to someone he loves. That's not how he was raised. Not by his family, nor by his hyungs.
‘Jongho,' Yunho says again, for what feels like the thousandth time in five minutes. ‘Can you look at me for a second, please?’
Jongho clenches his jaw and looks up at his hyung. It’s not like he can escape this anyway. Now, his best hope is running damage control. Now, his greatest hope is to be honest but brief.
Yunho looks a little blurry. Jongho assumes it’s the low lighting until his vision shifts and he realises he has tears in his eyes. He hears Yunho gasp quietly in front of him.
No, don't worry about me, I'm really okay.
‘Jongho, what’s wrong?' Yunho asks, and he sounds breathless. ‘Are you hurt? You can tell me, baby. I just want to help you.’
‘It’s nothing like that, hyung,' Jongho says a little too quickly. He isn’t hurt. Nothing bad has happened to him, nothing at all. He’s just feeling a lot. Too much, maybe. ‘I just h-have... I have a lot of feelings suddenly.’
‘Alright,' Yunho says, tugging on Jongho’s hand, guiding him closer to their kitchen, where he can potentially get Jongho to sit down and take a better look at him. Jongho knows that’s his plan, he’d do exactly the same thing if their roles were reversed.
Jongho is guided by Yunho easily, which isn’t unusual, but he seems a little out of it, which is definitely unusual. Jongho is still contemplating making a run for it when Yunho says, his voice overflowing with tenderness, ‘What are your feelings about? You can tell me, Jongho, I’ll listen. I want to listen.’
‘It’s pretty stupid, hyung, they’re just about...’ Jongho hesitates. He’s so caught up in his own emotions that he doesn’t even hear the bedroom door opening up behind them. ‘They’re just about... sex? ’
‘Sex?’ Yunho asks, confusion rapidly flooding his face. Jongho glances up at him, and he looks utterly bewildered – eyes wide, mouth open. His hyung clearly hadn’t expected that answer, not from him. He still sounds surprised when he says, ‘You’re upset about sex?’
Jongho nods and slowly pulls his hand away from Yunho’s careful grip. He doesn’t want to be held anymore; it suddenly feels like he’s being trapped. He can feel his cheeks heating up. It’s too embarrassing. Jongho doesn’t talk about these kinds of things with his hyungs. Usually. Or, you know, ever.
‘What’s going on out here?’ Hongjoong asks, freshly emerged from his and Seonghwa’s bedroom. His voice makes Jongho jump. Yunho doesn’t even blink, he’d obviously seen their captain lingering, taking in the emerging situation.
‘Jongho...’ Yunho hesitates, like he’s trying to remember exactly how Jongho had worded it, like it’s somehow important that he’s accurate. ‘He’s having a lot of feelings suddenly.’
‘Feelings about sex?’ Hongjoong asks, his tone a little spiky.
Yunho nods, ‘Yeah, hyung, about... sex.’
‘I should... I should want it, right?’ Jongho asks, his eyes fixed on the floor as he stands between his two hyungs. If he can’t escape this, he might as well be honest, he might as well face it head-on. Maybe it’ll even help him understand where he’s going wrong. ‘Sex, I mean. I should want it, shouldn’t I? Me and Haesoo... we’ve been dating for a while now. It’s been five months. It’s time we had sex. That’s right, isn’t it? That’s how it goes. I should just... let him do that to me. Shouldn’t I? I should just... let him put it in me. Because... don’t I... don’t I owe him that?’
‘Fuck, Jongho...’ Yunho whispers, before he reaches behind himself to grip the kitchen counter. Like he needs to hold on to it to keep himself standing upright. Like he’s feeling dizzy all of a sudden, because of Jongho. Hyung, I’m sorry.
‘Okay,' Hongjoong says, his voice firm but kind. He’s taking control. A big brother more than a leader as he steps in front of their maknae. Jongho feels immensely relieved. He’s tired of being confused. He’s tired of feeling upset and not understanding why. He wants the help. Hongjoong takes a decisive step towards him, ‘Jongho, do you think you can come and talk to me in my room for a little while?’
‘Your room?’ Jongho asks dumbly, looking up at his little hyung. He can see everything better suddenly. Everything's not as blurry. Jongho doesn’t understand why. Not until he feels a tear slide under his chin. Oh. He’s crying. ‘Am... am I in trouble? Did I... did I do something wrong, hyung?’
‘No, Jongho,' Hongjoong reassures him quickly, his expression warm and open. ‘No, my treasure. You haven’t done anything wrong. Not even a little. But I’d really like to talk to you. Do you need to rest? If you’re feeling too tired, we can always talk tomorrow.’
‘No, hyung, I’m okay,' Jongho says, wiping at his face. Whatever’s about to happen, he’d rather get it over and done with. He knows he won’t sleep well with it lingering over him. ‘We can talk now.’
‘Alright, then let’s go and do that,’ Hongjoong agrees, before he turns to Yunho and says, ‘Thank you for taking care of him, Yunho. Please, try not to worry.’
Jongho doesn’t hear Yunho’s reply to that, he just lets himself be guided into Hongjoong’s bedroom in a heady daze.
{HEHET~! 🍎}