Archive of Our Own

John and his team were heading to the Stargate after spending three days analyzing an Ancient facility. After all this time, Rodney had finally concluded that he couldn't get anything worthwhile out of it.

Although Rodney called the mission a waste of time and a complete fiasco, John didn't totally agree with him. They hadn't been forced to walk for hours through questionable vegetation, they hadn't been attacked or trapped by faulty Ancient technology. Overall, the mission hadn't been as bad as Rodney had suggested.

Like most of the past few days, John's thoughts were currently with Evan, and as always, he felt his body floating with happiness. Even in his craziest dreams, he'd never imagined that Evan would want him, yet, against all odds, Evan had agreed to go out with him.

The dinner John had planned for their first date had ultimately fallen through due to an emergency at the botany lab. Unfortunately, it had already been a week and they hadn't had a chance to reschedule it since. The day after their missed date, John had had to leave for a long-planned mission with a trading partner. When he’d returned to Atlantis, he’d only had twenty minutes with Evan before Evan had had to go on an off-world mission himself. Then John had needed to leave for his next mission before Evan even got back from his.

In the few minutes the two had had the chance to see each other, Evan had managed to invite John's entire team to his own team's weekly get-together, saying it would be nice for Coughlin to have another chance to get Rodney's attention. It was planned for tonight and John was hopping up and down with impatience. He was even counting the hours before he would finally be able to spend time with the man he loved. Hopefully the night wouldn’t end too late and he could steal a few minutes of Evan's time to have him for himself.

"Have you decided if you're coming tonight?" John asked. "Looks like Lorne has managed to dig up a next-gen game console," he added.

"What’s that?" Ronon asked.

"A game console? Well, it's a small device that plugs into a screen and which... uh, as its name suggests, allows you to play games... You'll see, it's cool. There’ll even be fighting games."

"Fights? On a screen?" asked Ronon, confused.

"You choose one character, your opponent has another, and you make them fight like you would in real life."

"In that case, what's the point?" asked Ronon, still confused. "I'd prefer to do it directly in the gym."

"Not everyone wants to end up with a lot of bruises or in the infirmary," Rodney interjected. He turned to John. "What kind of console is it? Because it's been a long time since I've played a decent game."

John shrugged. "I don't know. Lorne looked pretty happy. So I guess it’s one with good quality."

"I wouldn't rely on the speculation of any of your grunts to determine how good video game design is," Rodney said dismissively.

"Do you want to come and try it, yes or no?" John asked, slightly irritated that Rodney was criticizing Evan.

"Yes. Of course I will. It'll be better than hearing Radek laugh because it took me three days to realize that this facility was useless."

"Wouldn't the urge to come have more to do with Coughlin's presence?" John suggested with a smirk.

"Um...I don't know what you're talking about," Rodney said blushing.

"When do you plan to go out with him? It's getting tiring watching you act like a teenager," John continued.

"I think it's funny," Ronon interjected amusedly.

Teyla said nothing, but given the complicit smile she shared with John, she obviously agreed with Ronon.

"I don't act like a teenager," Rodney exclaimed plaintively.

"So what are you waiting for?" John asked.

"Please, he's an American military man, so definitely completely straight. And besides, an ultra-sexy man. What would he want to do with a guy like me? We all know very well how he'd react if I asked him out."

"You're kidding, aren't you?” John asked, dumbfounded.

Rodney looked at him confused.

"Coughlin is crazy about you! He keeps making advances to you," exclaimed John, totally amazed by the great naivety of his friend.

"That's it! Make fun of me!" Rodney replied, feeling hurt.

"John is right," Teyla interjected. “Sergeant Coughlin seems to have a romantic interest in you."

"Really?" Rodney asked, not sure of himself. "Do you think he would go out with me?"

"Shit! Absolutely, buddy," John confirmed.

"Seriously?" Rodney insisted.

"Really," Teyla confirmed in turn.

Rodney's gaze drifted away for a few moments and John could see all the cogs turning in his head. Leaving Rodney to his thoughts, John addressed the young woman. "And you Teyla? Will you come to the games night?"

"Would you not be more comfortable with only men at your gathering?" she answered, slightly puzzled.

"Some women like video games," John said, trying to reassure his friend.

"In that case, it would've been a pleasure, but I was already kindly invited by Lieutenant Cadman to a women's poker night."

"Be careful of that woman," Rodney interjected. "I'm sure she could cheat to steal all your betting chips."

"Rodney!" John exclaimed. "Don't listen to him. Cadman’s a good person."

"As long as she isn’t in your head," Rodney complained.

“It's been years! When are you going to drop the subject?" John exclaimed in exasperation.

“She was in my head!" cried Rodney. "Besides, stop pestering me with that woman and pick up the pace. I don't want to be late for our game night."

"Yeah, it'd be a shame to be late for Coughlin. He's just been waiting months," John joked, and Ronon laughed.

The small group reached Atlantis a few minutes later. In the gate room, John looked around hoping to see Evan, but his heart filled with disappointment when he realized Evan wasn't there waiting for him.

Trying to think of a justification for Evan's absence, John started to follow his teammates to the infirmary for their medical examination. But as he took a few steps, he looked around again, confused. He hadn't really paid attention the first time as he’d been focussed on looking for Evan, but it seemed as if everyone was a little tense.

“Chuck? Did something happen while we were gone?" John asked loudly to be heard by the young man in the control room.

"There are a few surges in a desalination tank but nothing serious. Dr. Zelenka is already fixing the problem. Nothing further to report, sir," Chuck replied immediately.

"The desalination system. Even an idiot could handle that. Zelenka will definitely fix the problem quickly and I can go to the game night as planned," Rodney mumbled, more for his own reassurance.

John looked at the people around him and he had the feeling that something was wrong. But having no other information for the moment, he continued on his way to the infirmary.

As John and his teammates went through their medical check-up, John watched the people around. He still had this unpleasant feeling. He had the impression that some people looked sad, others even angry.

"Is everything okay here?" John asked Jennifer when she came to see him.

"Nothing unusual to report," replied Jennifer.

But John could see something was wrong. “Doctor, are you okay?”

"I’m fine," Jennifer replied again. But when John glared at her as if to say he wasn't convinced, she sighed. “It's nothing, really, Colonel. I had… someone said something to me… Don't worry. I’ll pull myself together."

John was confused. Jennifer was claiming her sadness was due to a bad conversation. So why did everyone seem as depressed as she was?

"If you need me to kick someone's ass, let me know," joked John, wanting to cheer up the young woman.

"Thanks, Colonel. But that won't be necessary," Jennifer replied with a slight smile.

John was sure he was missing information. As he wasn’t able to get details from Jennifer, he decided to not insist and to discuss it with Evan when he saw him later. At the mere thought of Evan, John's mind went off the rails... Evan... his beautiful Evan... This wonderful man who had agreed to go out with him... 

Realizing he was daydreaming about his handsome Evan, and suddenly scared of being late to the games night, John stood up quickly, "Thanks, Doc," he said before rushing to Woolsey's office to debrief the mission.

Having found nothing of interest at the off-world installation, and having experienced nothing of importance in the last three days, the meeting with Woolsey ended quickly, much to John's delight. He headed to his quarters to take a shower and get ready for the night.

While John was in his quarters, he couldn't help but smile, happy at the thought of finally being able to see the man he loved and had missed so much during their forced distance these past few days.

By the time John was ready, it was still too early to join the others. But unable to sit still, too excited at the idea of seeing Evan, he decided to occupy his mind by finding Rodney. He was sure that his teammate would stop by the laboratories to check that the desalination problem would be solved before he could enjoy the night.

John was still in the hallway when he heard Rodney shouting. "What did you do? The desalination system was never going to respond to that hack! Even my seven-year-old niece could tell you that! Get out of here!"

Not wanting to disturb his friend, John leaned over a cupboard near the entrance and watched Rodney frantically typing on his keyboard. John then noted how hard Rodney was hitting the keys. Normally, Rodney only did that when he was really mad.

Surprised to see Rodney in such a state, John met Radek's gaze. At the scientist's expression, John realized that Radek was as surprised as he was.

"Shit! What did you do?" Rodney shouted. "This system is no longer responding."

Radek pushed his glasses up his nose and said calmly, "Rodney, let me manage this. It's just the desalination system. You've got better things to do than waste your time with this."

From Radek's tone and look, John could see that the scientist was trying to appease Rodney. But Rodney wasn't at all receptive to Radek's attempt. On the contrary, Rodney raised his voice even higher. "You haven't been able to fix it in all this time! Of course I have to do it."

"Rodney," John interjected. "How about we let them do that, and you join me for our game night?"

While John had thought the prospect of seeing Coughlin would please his friend, he was surprised to see Rodney lift his head and glare at him. "I don't have time for that stupid game night," Rodney exclaimed with noticeable anger in his tone, before turning his attention to a nearby scientist. "You! Go to the desalination plant and manually turn off the command...."

John was stunned by Rodney's behavior. He looked at Radek who shook his head, as surprised as he was. Then, when Rodney called Radek, the scientist looked away from John and started typing on his own computer, leaving John alone in his confusion.

For a few moments, John stared at the scene before him. Unable to do anything more for the moment, he was forced to let Rodney do his business, so he decided to head to the common room to meet Evan and his team.

As John walked to his destination, his heart was racing. He was finally going to be able to see Evan. Even if he had to keep his distance because they wouldn't be alone in the room, he could still talk to him, see his beautiful face and his wonderful smile. He sincerely hoped they could slip away together so they could have some time to themselves. He would like to be able to hug him, kiss him. He felt a shiver run through him as he thought of Evan's soft lips touching his.

Arriving at his destination, John was surprised to see the door was closed. The common rooms generally remained constantly open. Wondering if he was in the wrong place, John nevertheless stepped forward and waved his hand in front of the detector, opening the door. He took a few steps inside before stopping suddenly in his tracks, his eyes widening in shocked horror.

Evan was sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, his pants and boxers around his ankles, and a half-naked woman straddling him.

From where John was positioned, he had a perfect view of Evan's cock going in and out of the woman's body.

John had the impression that his breath, his heart and his brain suddenly stopped. He couldn’t do anything, his eyes fixed to Evan’s cock moving in and out.

"Yeah, come on baby, it's so good," Evan moaned.

At the sound of Evan's voice, John jerked slightly, his eyes lifting to Evan's face. He was surprised to see the man staring directly at him, smirking.

John wanted to say something, to yell at Evan, ‘What the hell is going on?’, but no sound came out of his mouth. He was paralyzed, unable to do anything, his mind being too shocked by the scene in front of him.

John watched as Evan's smirk morphed into a wicked smile. He felt as if Evan was enjoying stabbing him in the heart. It seemed obvious then, that Evan had deliberately set it up so John would walk in on this scene. He had intentionally fucked this woman in front of him to clearly tell John that he wasn’t interested in him.  

A loud moan from the woman jolted John out of his stupor, and he turned hastily, unable to bear watching this sight for another second.

How could Evan do such a thing to him? John felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

He’d barely taken a few steps down the hall, when John passed Ronon. As the Satedan looked at him quizzically, seeing him walking in the wrong direction, John didn't know how he was able to say without a tremor in his voice, "The night's canceled."

John didn't stop though, didn’t wait for a reaction from Ronon. He felt a whirlwind of emotions rising within him. An immense sadness invaded him, and at the same time, he felt a torrent of anger quickly increasing.

The man he loved so much had laughed at him. He’d made him believe that he had feelings for him, and had made him believe there was a chance for a romantic relationship between them. But it had all been a mirage, a cruel way to play with John's feelings. Evan had always been straight. He’d never wanted to be with him. John should’ve known better. He'd never deserved to have such an incredible man in his life.

John mentally snorted. 'If Evan was this incredible man, he never would've done this!' his mind screamed. How could John have been so wrong about Evan? How could he have fallen head over heels in love with a man who was willing to do something so disgusting to him? How could John have been so stupid? He had thought Evan was the nicest, most caring, generous man he had ever met, but he wasn’t!

Chuck's voice, suddenly sounding in his ear, snapped John out of his thoughts. He had to wait a few seconds and take a deep breath, so he could calm down enough that his voice wouldn't shake. Then he pressed his radio. "Sheppard, here."

"Sir, could you come to the control room, please? We have a problem."

John sighed. This really wasn't the time. He needed to be alone to take stock of his feelings, cry, scream, hit something. But his military duty had to come before his personal life. "On my way," he said before tapping his radio closed.

As his feet carried him towards the control room, the image of Evan and that woman replayed in his mind. John had to fight with all his might to stop his thoughts. He needed to concentrate on his work and keep a neutral face. Above all, he mustn't show his pain, his broken heart, his anger to everyone.

A few minutes later, John arrived at the control room. He rushed over to Chuck, noticing Woolsey standing beside him. Rodney and Radek were also present in front of the consoles.

"What do we have?" John asked, surprised to see the two scientists here when a few minutes earlier they’d been in the lab fixing a problem.

"The city is going crazy, that’s what we’ve got," Rodney said sharply.

"Okay..." John said, confused. "What do you mean by 'crazy'?"

"This really doesn't make sense," Rodney said, confused. "Radek are you-"

"Yes and you have the-"

"Of course I have. And the-"

"Nothing here."

When the two scientists spoke to each other in half-sentences, John knew the situation was bad. He also knew that in these cases he wouldn't get any details from them. He turned to Chuck for more information.

"All systems are down, sir," Chuck explained. "We have no idea what caused it. There doesn't seem to be any consistency."

"There must be a common link!" Rodney exclaimed in frustration. "All the systems can't go crazy at the same time. It's just not possible." He paused and then began to shout as he got up to check another screen, "No, no, no, no!"

"Doctor McKay, what's going on?" Woolsey asked worriedly.

"We're losing power," Rodney tried to explain.

"How are we losing power?" John asked. "Do you mean the ZPM?"

"Of course, I mean the ZedPM. What else?" snapped Rodney. "Radek, take care of the-"

"I'm already on it," the other scientist replied immediately. "I can't turn it off," he added seconds later, before swearing in Czech.

"Sheppard!" Rodney exclaimed nervously. "You've got to unplug the ZedPM manually. We won't be able to turn it off from here and at the rate we're losing power, we won't have any left in a few minutes."

"On my way," John replied before running out.

It took him three minutes to reach the ZPM and unplug it. He hoped it hadn't taken him too long and he’d been able to save most of the energy. "It's done," he said into his headset before jogging back towards the control room.

"Where are we?" John asked, re-joining Rodney.

"Shit! That doesn't make sense." Rodney was still frantically tapping the keys.

John grimaced. He had the impression that the situation wasn't about to improve.

Rodney got up and reached over to another console. He started typing on the keys, then suddenly stopped. John noticed that the scientist's gaze turned away from the screen for a few seconds. Then Rodney went back to typing more frantically on his console and started yelling at a scientist a few feet away from him. “Are you stupid? Get out of here, it's not possible to be so incompetent."

The bitterness in Rodney's voice sent shivers down John's spine. He had repeatedly heard Rodney yelling at his scientists, but Rodney's tone sounded even more dismissive than usual.

Startled by the change in tone, John turned his head to where Rodney was looking during his few moments of inactivity. Then he noticed Coughlin downstairs in the gate room, talking to another marine. Not 'talking' , John realized, 'flirting. ' Coughlin had a hand on the other man's arm and was joking with him. The way his body vibrated, it was clear he was flirting with the other man. No wonder Rodney was angry then, John thought. His heart was as broken as John’s was.

As John looked at him, Coughlin turned his gaze to Rodney, and at that moment John froze. Coughlin had the same evil look and smile that Evan had had when he’d caught him with that woman.

Before John could even think of what that meant, his radio beeped in his ear and he heard Stackhouse's voice. "Colonel, there’s been an incident on the East Pier."

"Can you clarify, Sergeant? Apparently we've got a lot of incidents going on," John sighed, turning his head to watch the scientists busying themselves on the various consoles.

"A fight between a dozen marines, sir," Stackhouse informed him. "We've got two pretty nasty injuries."

John's gaze returned to Coughlin and he wondered if… "Sergeant, are Lieutenants Reed or Rivers involved in the fights?"

There was silence on the other side of the radio, then Stackhouse said, "They didn't fight, but it seems they were the ones who instigated it."

It was immediately obvious to John that there was something going wrong with Evan’s team. He reflected for a few moments but, so far, only Evan's team had been behaving erratically so he didn't think hazmat was necessary as the city quarantine hadn't been triggered. "Put all uninjured responders in a cell and bring the wounded to the infirmary,” ordered John. “Also bring Reed and Rivers to the infirmary, but under armed guard." 

"What's going on, Colonel?" asked Woolsey, who had only heard half the conversation.

John raised his hand, gesturing to Woolsey that he needed to wait a few moments. He walked to the railing and shouted at the armed men guarding the Stargate, "Put Coughlin under guard."

Before Coughlin could do anything, the marines surrounded the Sergeant and threatened him with their weapons.

"Spread the word," John ordered the marines, "I want Lorne apprehended as quickly as possible. Don't use the security group radio frequency. Lorne will hear that."

"Sir, yes, sir," the marines responded crisply.

Next, John radioed Ronon and Teyla on their team's frequency, asking them to commandeer some marines, then set out to look for Evan.

"What's going on, Colonel?" Woolsey asked again, visibly confused by his actions.

John turned to Woolsey. "Did Lorne debrief you on his last mission?"

"Of course," Woolsey replied. "Nothing of interest, though. The planet they visited was uninhabited. They were only there for about four hours."

John noticed out of the corner of his eye a reaction on Chuck's face. He spoke directly to him. “Did you notice anything?"

"Not really, sir. But now that you suggest it, Major Lorne behaved somewhat unusually yesterday," replied Chuck.

"How?" John asked, even if he himself was beginning to have an idea.

Chuck looked puzzled. “He said…hurtful words to me, sir."

"Major Lorne?" asked Woolsey, surprised.

"Yes, sir," Chuck confirmed.

"He did the same with me," Radek interjected and a few other scientists around them nodded in turn. "I thought he’d had a bad day," Radek explained.

"Even on such a shitty day, Lorne wouldn't have acted like that, let alone with all of you," John said, and everyone seemed to agree with him.

The image of Evan and the young woman appeared in his mind, and John realized that Evan would never have done that on purpose. Something had happened to him on that planet. John was going to do everything he could to find out what it was and bring Evan back to his senses.

"Wait, are you insinuating they're possessed?" Rodney asked, looking at Coughlin in horror.

"I don't know, buddy." John walked over to Rodney and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "We’ll find out what happened. They'll be okay."

"Rodney! Section Three's energy levels are dropping," Radek exclaimed suddenly.

"Activate the -" Rodney began.

"I can't," Radek said, uncertainly. "It makes no sense. I’ve blocked everything and forced them back up but nothing has helped, the levels keep dropping."

"Step away," Rodney said, looking at the console himself.

"Could this be sabotage?" John asked.

"Do you think they did that?" Rodney asked, pointing to Coughlin.

“I think it’d be a really weird coincidence, if it wasn't from them," John replied. 

"They don't have the skills to do this kind of damage," Rodney said.

"Nevertheless, the Colonel is right. This is all far too random and unpredictable to be the result of a simple breakdown," Radek interjected.

Rodney nodded, agreeing with Radek's thoughts.

"Okay. I'm going to interview Coughlin, Reed and Rivers. I'll let you know if I get any information," John said before walking down the stairs to join Coughlin.

With two additional armed guards, John escorted Coughlin to the infirmary. On the way, he asked questions but Coughlin didn't answer. John had a feeling that extracting information from Lorne’s team might be difficult.

"Doctor Keller?" John called. "Did you notice anything strange during Lorne's team’s post-mission check-up?"

"All of their tests were normal," Jennifer said, eyeing the three men warily as they were settled in the back of the infirmary, surrounded by armed guards.

"Could you do additional tests? It seems they're all displaying some unusual behavior. They're obviously trying to emotionally damage some people," John clarified.

Jennifer's eyes widened. "Of course! I should've seen it sooner. I figured saying something like that wasn't like him."

"Are you talking about Coughlin?" John asked.

Jennifer shook her head. "No, Evan."

John's heart sank. Evan had apparently hurt a lot of people. He was going to be distraught when he came back to his senses and realized what he’d done.

"I'll take care of the tests right away," Jennifer said before walking over to Reed.

But as Jennifer approached him, Reed tried to pull away. Two of the guards and John intervened to subdue the Lieutenant, but Reed still struggled.

"Two milligrams of diazepam," Jennifer yelled at a nurse.

The nurse reacted quickly, handing the syringe to Jennifer who moved closer to Reed and injected him with the sedative.

Moments later, Reed began to calm down before finally losing consciousness. As John moved away from Reed's motionless body, the two guards laid him down on a bed.

"What's that?" one of the guards stammered, pointing to Reed's ear.

John looked at the indicated zone and saw a black substance coming out of the orifice.

"I need a collection kit," Jennifer ordered her nurse who rushed to get what she needed.

While Jennifer was tending to the collection, John heard the infirmary’s loudspeaker activate, "We need a medical team in Section Three, Tower Two, third floor."

Jennifer being busy with her tests, she motioned for another doctor to take care of that.

"Sheppard here. Report?" John asked over his radio. The original order had been not to use the radio so Evan wouldn't know he was wanted. But a call for a medical team clarified that an interaction with Evan had already taken place.

"This is Sergeant Jones, sir. We spotted Major Lorne and tried to apprehend him. But he managed to take our team down before fleeing to the West Tower."

“Who was injured?" John asked, worried about the men under his command.

"Lieutenant Denvers was shot in the shoulder and Lieutenant Reynolds in the leg," the Sergeant detailed. "Nothing really serious though, sir."

“Thanks, Sergeant. Stay with your men until the medical team arrives."

John changed the radio frequency. “Teyla, Ronon, did you hear?"

"We're already heading there, John," Teyla informed him.

Worried that this hunt would end badly for one of his men and especially for Evan, John turned to Jennifer. "Anything new, doc?"

"I don't know what it is," Jennifer said. "I'll need more time to analyze the substance. But I've reprogrammed the Ancient scanner. We should be able to detect it."

"Okay. Siller, Miles, get Coughlin under that scanner," John ordered.

Coughlin struggled but couldn't resist the strength of the other two men. After a few moments, the Sergeant was held motionless under the scanner. John moved next to Jennifer to look at the images.

"Here," Jennifer said, pointing to an area of Coughlin's brain. "The substance covers this whole zone."

"Do you think the sedative you gave Reed freed him from that thing?" John asked hopefully.

"I can't be sure," Jennifer replied. "I'll have to scan him to check."

"Let's do it," John said. He motioned for his men to replace Coughlin with Reed under the scanner.

"It worked?" John asked, slightly impatient.

"I don't see the substance. Looks like the sedative worked as a repellent," Jennifer said thoughtfully.

"Great! So let's inject the others with the same sedative," John said excitedly.

"I need Reed to wake up first. We don't know what that thing did to his brain, or what damage the use of the sedative may have caused. The interaction of the two may have caused some irreparable damage," Jennifer explained.

The infirmary’s loudspeaker re-activated. "A medical team is requested in Section Seven, Tower Two, eighteenth level."

Seconds later, John's own radio sounded. "Colonel Sheppard, this is Lieutenant Ermont. Major Lorne has neutralized Major Stendhal's team. They don't seem to have been shot but they're all unconscious."

"Thanks for the report, Lieutenant," John said before closing the radio channel. "Damn it," he swore. Evan apparently had no intention of surrendering without a fight. He didn't like the direction the situation was taking at all.

The lights in the infirmary started flickering and John assumed it had to do with the problem in the control room.

"Rodney, tell me you've got good news on your side," John asked desperately.

“We didn't die when the city should've exploded given the uncontrolled energy surge in the northern part. Don't ask me why we're still alive, I've absolutely no fucking idea. Is that sufficient good news for you?" Rodney asked wryly.

"Uh, I'm going to say 'yes'," John said grimacing. Then he turned to Jennifer. "Doc, I really need answers. I need to know how to stop Lorne before he takes more casualties, and how they sabotaged the city before we all die. So if you have a way to wake Reed up faster. Please do it."

John could see the conflict in Jennifer's eyes. Then he saw the resignation.

"Under other circumstances, I wouldn't recommend it," said Jennifer. "But I can give him some adrenaline, it might work."

"Thanks," John said with relief.

It took several minutes and two radio calls that proved Evan's combat effectiveness before Reed woke up.

Jennifer gave Reed a few tests, then turned to John. "He’s lucid and doesn't seem to have any brain damage. You can question him."

"Thanks, doc," John said, as great relief washed over him. “Can you give the same injections to Coughlin and Rivers?"

"Of course. I'll take care of it right now," Jennifer confirmed before heading towards the men in question.

"Lieutenant," John greeted as he approached Reed's bed.

"Sir, I'm sorry about what happened," Reed said, puzzled.

"Relax, Lieutenant, you're not responsible," John said reassuringly. “You were under the influence of an alien substance. I'll ask you for a detailed debrief later, but for now, could you tell me what you did to the city? All systems are failing. Where and how did you sabotage it?"

"I'm sorry, sir," Reed said sheepishly. "I don't know. Major Lorne took care of it. He didn't give us the details."

"Shit," John said grimacing. They had to catch up with Evan as fast as possible. He turned to the armed guards. "Stay close to Reed, Coughlin and Rivers until the Doc gives them the green light."

"Yes, sir."

John left the infirmary. He stopped at the armory to put on a tactical vest and take a Wraith stunner, then he set off in pursuit of Evan.

Evan's last position had been at the South Tower, so John headed in that direction. After jogging for several minutes, John came across a group of five people, all passed out on the ground. Approaching warily, John saw Teyla a little further on.

"Teyla!" John exclaimed, hurrying to kneel beside her. The young woman was also unconscious. She had a few visible bruises on her face and arms. It seemed obvious that she had fought with Evan.

John reached out and felt for her pulse and was relieved to find it strong and steady.

"I need a medical team, South Tower, fifteenth floor," John said over the radio.

Glancing one last time at Teyla, John got up and continued his search for Evan.

John was surprised that he hadn't found Ronon with Teyla. But as he rounded the next corner, he saw the usually strong man lying on the ground, as unconscious as the others.

'Fuck. Evan is damn efficient,' John thought.

However, John didn't have time to think any further as a shadow fell over him knocking him to the ground.

John tried to break free, to fight Evan, but Evan had incredible strength and speed. John received a few blows to the face and stomach and he quickly felt the edge of unconsciousness manifesting itself.

"Is that all you have, Colonel?" Evan asked sarcastically. “Maybe the prejudices about homosexuals are actually true,” he said dismissively.

"Given that you've knocked out more than twenty of my people, I'd say that the prejudices are patently wrong," John managed to say despite the pain.

Evan burst out laughing. "Because you really think I want a man? Do you honestly think I have feelings for you? You’re so pathetic!"

Even though John knew it wasn't really Evan, and whatever was controlling Evan was just saying these things to spite him, John had to admit that it was damn effective. His heart sank hearing those words coming out of Evan's mouth, those lips that had given him so much pleasure.

"Please Evan," John begged. "I know you're still in there, buried under that thing."

The laugh that emanated from Evan at that moment made John's blood run cold. 

Suddenly, there was a flurry of movement and John found himself upright and pressed against the wall, Evan's hand around his neck.

John tried to struggle, to free himself, but Evan's grip was too strong. He tried to grab his handgun, but his intention was quickly noticed by Evan who pulled the gun from him and threw it away.

"Evan, look at me," John whispered as, despite his best efforts to free himself, the pressure on his neck tightened dangerously.

Evan's gaze shifted to him, but John didn't feel like Evan was truly looking at him. The man in front of him still had that evil expression and his eyes were strangely dull, like they no longer had a living glow.

With the lack of oxygen, John's lungs were starting to ache. He felt he was losing all his strength. He was becoming more and more convinced that he was going to die by Evan's hand.

"Ev," John whispered. "I love you."

"Isn't that cute?" Evan said, bringing his face closer to John's to whisper in his ear. "So sweet of you to tell me you love me before you die." Evan pulled back slightly, his gaze meeting John's. "Too bad it's me who's going to take your life."

Feeling his last moments coming, John looked at Evan's wonderful lips. He remembered the joy he'd felt, kissing Evan. He knew his Evan was still inside there somewhere and he hoped Evan could be saved, even if he himself would be dead. In a fit of madness, John suddenly wanted to feel those lips against his, one last time. With the little strength he still had, John grabbed Evan's jacket and pulled him towards him. With leverage, Evan's lips landed on his, and John was delighted to breathe his last against that soft and incredible mouth.

And then, unexpectedly, the hand around his neck suddenly loosened and John's lungs swelled again taking in all the air they could. His crushed throat made John cough and gasp and he needed to lean forward, his hands gripping his thighs to hold himself upright as he struggled to fill his lungs. Troubled by his breathing, he was vaguely aware of Evan saying in a horrified tone. "Jesus! John, what have I done?"

"Ev?" John croaked when his breathing was stable enough to speak. "Is that you?" But Evan's gaze spoke for him. His eyes had regained their spark of life and his usual depth of compassion was showing clearly.

"John. Oh my god! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Evan repeated, panicked.

"Hey," John said, straightening. He reached out to put his hand on the other man's cheek. "It's okay, you're back."

"No," Evan said, shaking his head. "I can feel it. I won't last long." He met John's eyes. “It's going to kill you, John. You’ll have to get in first.”

John's eyes widened in horror. Evan was asking John to kill him. "No, no! There’s no need. We have a cure. We can easily kill it."

“You won't have time, John.” Evan's gaze became pleading. He grabbed the knife from his belt and put it in John's hand. "Please. You have to do the right thing, before I hurt anyone else, John."

"No, no!" John said, shaking his head violently. "Ev…" But as John said those few words, he saw Evan's gaze change again to boredom and meanness.

Instantly, Evan pinned John against the wall, resuming his grip on his neck again. John didn't have time to react, he quickly felt his lungs ache again and dots danced before his eyes with his oxygen supply cut off. He tried to speak, wanting to bring clarity to Evan's mind, but nothing came from his lips.

Feeling his life slipping away, John remembered Evan's last words. He felt the weight of the knife in his hand, so he did as Evan asked. He stabbed Evan.

The knife sank into Evan's stomach, but he only tightened his grip on John’s neck. Reacting on survival instinct, John pulled the knife out of Evan's body and stabbed him a second time.

This time the knife hit Evan's chest. John felt the pressure on his neck drop away as Evan staggered. Then Evan collapsed on the floor.

Gasping for breath through his bruised and damaged windpipe, John nonetheless rushed over to Evan. There was a large amount of blood draining from his abdomen, and John quickly pressed down on the wound.

"Evan, please stay with me," John pleaded, feeling panic wash over him. "I need help," he shouted, hoping that the medical assistance he’d already radioed for was close enough now to hear him.

"Thanks," Evan said softly, his voice rasping with pain.

Startled, John looked at Evan's face and saw that the light in his eyes was there again.

"Ev! Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I didn’t want to. Shit, what have I done?”

Evan reached out and cupped John's cheek. "You did… what you had to do," he said between jerky gasps. "Don't feel guilty...about that."

"I fucking stabbed you!" John replied, his voice full of self-recrimination. How could he not feel guilty about that?

"If…you hadn't…stopped me…I would’ve killed you…and others too."

"Don't talk anymore," John said, realizing that Evan's breathing was getting more and more labored.

"I'm…sorry…for everything… For…her," Evan said, and John noticed that tears were welling up in Evan's eyes.

"It wasn't you! I know it wasn't you!" John said, trying to reassure Evan that he didn't blame him for staging the sex with that woman.

Evan's hand slipped from John's cheek to the floor and John realized that Evan no longer had the strength to hold it up.

"Please Evan, don't leave me. I need you," John begged.

His eyes blinking slowly as he tried to hold on to life, Evan smiled tenderly at John. But while John would’ve given anything to see that smile on Evan’s face anytime, right now he knew it was Evan's way of saying goodbye.

"No, no. Stay with me," John insisted.

Suddenly, Evan's expression changed as if he remembered something important. Then he said weakly, "Decoy."

"What?" asked John, confused.

"City...issues...decoy...only," Evan said, and John could see that Evan was struggling to find the strength to say those few words.

Evan's breathing slowed dangerously, and John felt Evan's life flow beneath his fingers. "Stay with me," he said once more, feeling so helpless.

Evan smiled at him. "Thanks...for...everything...I...lov..."

Then it was as if time had stopped. John watched helplessly as Evan's head tilted to the side in slow motion, and his chest completely stopped moving.

“Ev! Ev! No, no, no! Ev! Please stay with me,” John begged.

“Sheppard, he’s dead,” interjected Ronon, next to him. 

John jumped, surprised to hear Ronon next to him. However, his gaze remained fixed on Evan's lifeless face. He couldn't take his eyes off the man he loved.

Then, it was like John had left his own body. It was as if his mind had stopped working. He was vaguely aware of hearing Ronon shout, "Here,” probably to alert the medical team that must have arrived nearby, while Ronon’s hands were on him, lifting him away from Evan. He felt Ronon pushing him forwards along some corridors, far away from the macabre scene. John felt like he was in a trance, unable to do anything but stumble along, too shocked by what had happened. Then, suddenly John regained awareness of his surroundings and he realized what he had just done. "Fucking shit!" he shouted, turning around to kick the wall, then adding punches, releasing all the anger he felt at being put in such a situation. How could he have done such a thing? How could he have killed Evan, the man he loved so much?

For a long time, John pounded the wall over and over. He was sure that only his anger and shock were keeping him from collapsing in pain.

As John felt his energy dwindle, he began to slow down the punches. The moment he stopped completely, he felt tears welling up in his eyes.

Just then, the city’s lights went out and John was reminded that the critical situation in the control room wasn’t over. He would have to put aside his feelings and become the military commander again until Atlantis was out of harm's way. He would have to compartmentalize Evan's death in a box inside his mind and focus on the military situation at hand. He would have to put off his loss until he could deal with it later. He took several deep breaths to calm himself down. When he was stable enough to be the commander that he needed to be, he looked at Ronon who had remained silent next to him all this time, and nodded to thank him for his support. Then John turned on his radio. "Rodney, what's going on with you?"

"I'm a little busy here," Rodney said before barking orders around him.

John was about to turn off his radio when he thought about Evan's words. "Lorne said it was a decoy."

"Wait, what?" Rodney asked and John could tell he had his full attention.

"Lorne said the city’s troubles are a decoy," John repeated.

"Stop everything," Rodney shouted and John knew he was talking to his scientists. Having passed the message on, John switched off his radio. He knew that Rodney would contact him again if necessary.

"Let's go back to the control room," John told Ronon, who nodded and followed him.

The two men walked in silence, and John was so grateful that Ronon was a man of few words. John knew he wasn't ready to talk, his emotions were too high, and it wouldn't take long for him to break down crying over Evan's death.

Arriving at the control room, John walked over to Rodney. "Where are we?"

"We're trying to figure out how the decoy works so we can take back control of the city. We can't trust anything," Rodney tried to explain. "Can Lorne-"

"He can't," John cut him off, trying to keep his emotions inside of him as his heart sent a spike of pain.

“We need his help!” Rodney snapped. "If he can tell us where he planted the decoy, we can trace the source of the problem."

"He’s dead," Ronon interjected.

A few gasps were heard before silence fell in the control room. Only Rodney took a moment to understand what Ronon meant. "What do you mean by 'dead'?" he asked, raising his head to look at Ronon. Then his gaze fell on John and his eyes widened when he saw the blood on John’s hands and clothes.

"Do you...? Are you okay?” Rodney asked, visibly worried about John.

"Yes and… no," John said before biting his lip and struggling with all his might to contain his emotions. Not wanting Rodney to dwell on his feelings, John gestured over to a console.

"Yes, of course," Rodney said, shaking his head, concentrating on his task. "Radek, Chuck, turn everything off. We'll…"

Seeing that Rodney had a plan, John stepped aside to let him get on with it, while he returned to his quarters.

After entering, John barely took off his shoes before heading to the shower. He had to get rid of all that blood, Evan's blood... The blood that would never run through the veins of that wonderful man again.

Being alone now, John could let his emotions out, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. Shivering, he sat down on the floor of his shower, wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked back and forth, releasing all the sadness, pain, and guilt he felt.

As his tears dried, John stayed sitting in the shower, unable to find the strength to get up.

After a little over an hour, John finally got up, took off his wet clothes, dried himself off and then headed to his bedroom. He stopped short when he noticed Ronon sitting on his bed.

"What are you doing here?" John asked.

"You shouldn't be left alone," Ronon said.

"I'm fine," John said before he even realized what he was saying, like a well-honed defense mechanism.

"No, you're not," Ronon said.

John sighed at his friend's insistence. He didn't have the strength to fight. He walked to his closet and began to dress.

"Since when?" Ronon asked.

"What?" John asked, confused by Ronon's question.

"You were sleeping with him. How long?"

John's eyes widened, and he met Ronon's eyes. "How?"

"I didn't mean to earlier, but I overheard part of your conversation," Ronon confessed. "I hadn't noticed you two fucking. So I'm curious."

"We don't…" John stammered. "He, uh…" John nervously ran his hand over the back of his neck. "Last week...He agreed to go out with me...But we never...We didn't have time...We just...kissed."

"Sorry," Ronon said.

"Yeah," John said, feeling his eyes fill with tears again, knowing he wouldn’t have the opportunity to be intimate with Evan, he would never be able to see his smile, never tease him or even enjoy his company again.

John finished dressing then turned to Ronon. "Chewie, you have to keep this to yourself. If anyone finds out about him and me, I could be court-martialed. I'll lose Atlantis."

"Your army has some really stupid rules," Ronon said.

John nodded, not being able to contradict Ronon on this point. 

"I have to go to the infirmary, see if everyone else is okay," John said.

Ronon stood up and waved towards the door, motioning for John to lead the way.

"You don't need to come," John said.

"Not alone," Ronon repeated and John knew from his teammate's tone that there was no point in arguing with him.

Arriving at the infirmary, John saw Teyla lying on a bed, still unconscious. He approached and caught the attention of a doctor.

"How is she?" John asked.

"She has a few bruises, but nothing significant. She doesn't have a concussion. She should be waking up in a few minutes."

"Good," John said, relieved. "And the others?"

“Lieutenants Denvers, Reynolds and Emmerson have had surgery. The bullets did no major damage. They should be operational in a few weeks. “Rendall has a concussion but he’s already woken up so we have good hope that it’s not serious. For the others, they mainly have slight bruises, nothing serious. Regarding Major Lorne-”

"I know about Lorne," John cut him off, not wanting to hear the words about Evan's death from the doctor's mouth. However, that didn't stop his heart from sending him another shock of pain.

Wanting to quickly change the subject, John asked, "What about Coughlin, Reed and Rivers?"

“It seems that the substance that infected them has left their bodies. We’ll keep them under observation for a few more hours just to be sure.”

"Okay. Thanks for the update," John said. Then when he turned his head and saw Coughlin staring at him, he walked over to him.

"Sir," the military man greeted him respectfully.

"Take it easy, Sergeant," John said with a small smile, glad to no longer see the dull but evil look in his eyes. "How are you?”

"Well, it feels good to be myself again," Coughlin said. Then his expression hardened. "I heard about the Major."

John's heart raced and he felt a wave of pain wash over him. Unable to speak without shaking, he simply nodded.

"Marie came out earlier. She said the operation could take several hours. She promised to keep us informed regularly."

John stared at Coughlin, his mind hazy. "What operation?" he asked, his heart speeding.

"Major Lorne's surgery," Coughlin said, confused. "They told us he was injured during his arrest."

"Injured?" said John dumbfounded. 

At the thought that Evan was still alive, that he had a chance to survive, John’s legs started shaking. He saw a chair next to Coughlin's bed and sat down hastily.

“Sir, are you okay?” asked Coughlin.

"Yeah. I...I thought he...died. I...I thought I...I...killed him," John stammered, his emotions overwhelming him. Tears prickled as relief flooded through him, quickening his pulse and accelerating his breathing. He hadn’t killed Evan. He hadn’t killed the man he loved. John’s vision was blurring as Ronon approached, putting his hand on John’s shoulder and squeezing gently, sending him comfort. Pulling himself together, John straightened up, blinking away the tears.

Coughlin was staring at him, and John saw the moment when his expression changed as he realized the feelings John had for Evan. His mouth dropped open in shock at the discovery but he quickly recovered his composure, wanting to respect his commander's privacy, for which John was immensely grateful.

"You can stay here and wait for news, if you want," Coughlin offered, and John thanked him for the offer.

"Perhaps you could brief me on your mission while we wait," John suggested. He needed to occupy his mind with something other than Evan's risk of dying on the operating table.

So Coughlin explained to him that the planet had seemed ordinary. They had walked for about two hours across a plain before reaching the edge of a forest. Major Lorne had then suggested venturing a little into the forest to see if a native population had chosen to shelter there to avoid the Wraith. But they had only walked a few meters when they felt a strange sensation invade them. And then it was as if they were just spectators in their own lives, trapped inside bodies that no longer belonged to them, helpless as their usurpers endlessly hurt the people around them.

"Rodney will never want me now," Coughlin cried.

“Don't worry, he knows what happened wasn't your fault. But your timing sucks. He’d finally decided to ask you out,” John informed him.

"Really?" Coughlin said, visibly surprised that Rodney had finally decided he wanted him.

"Yeah," John said. "But now who knows how long it will take before he gets over what happened today."

When Coughlin moaned in disappointment, John squeezed Coughlin's shoulder in solidarity.

For the next twenty minutes, the infirmary filled with people, all coming to ask for news about Evan. John was touched that so many people cared about him, despite what he had done to them over the past few days. But John wasn't surprised, Evan was truly a remarkable person.

When Nurse Marie appeared, John thought his heart had stopped. He felt like the world didn't exist anymore around him, only Marie mattered.

"The operation is still ongoing. Doctor Keller was able to stop the abdominal bleeding and repair the punctured lung. We’ll know more in two hours."

John felt a little relief wash over him. Evan was still alive, he was fighting with all his might to survive. But the thought that he might lose Evan a second time made him flinch, and he had to fight not to let his fear overwhelm him.

"He'll be fine," Coughlin said, catching John's attention. "He’s strong."

John nodded. He agreed with Coughlin. Evan was the strongest and most amazing person he’d had the chance to meet. But John vividly remembered having seen this strong man lifeless. And if that wasn't enough, if Evan died for good... John shook his head. Evan was still alive and he had to focus on that. He had to stop letting his mind wonder about what might be going on.

Wanting to take his mind off things, John turned to Ronon. “Hey, Chewie. How did Lorne manage to knock you out?”

Ronon scowled and John couldn't help laughing at his friend's expression.

"Really?" Coughlin asked and John could hear admiration in his voice.

"He was lucky," Ronon muttered.

"Major Lorne has been very resourceful," interjected Teyla who had moved in with them after waking up. "He paralyzed Ronon before he could react."

"As I said," Ronon insisted. "He was lucky."

"He got you too, Teyla," John said with a smirk.

"Indeed," Teyla said, trying to suppress a smile at John's impertinence.

"I'm impressed with my commander," Coughlin said. "I knew he had hidden talents when I saw him in action. But I never thought he’d be able to beat you both.”

"He didn't fight me," Ronon remarked. "I'm sure I could’ve knocked him out in a real fight."

"That's why he got so resourceful and knocked you out first," John said proudly.

"I have to admit that I was also impressed with his fighting abilities," Teyla said. "And I have to say I'm surprised you got the upper hand, John." She gave John a teasing smile and added, "It seemed that he had better hand-to-hand combat skills than you, Colonel, given that you rarely beat either Ronon or myself."

Coughlin and Ronon laughed at the pickaxe thrown by Teyla. John pretended to be offended for a few seconds before laughing with the others.

Then John got serious again. "To be honest, I didn't have the upper hand," he confessed. "He came to his senses for a few moments and gave me the knife to…" His voice cracked as he thought back to that fateful moment.

"Damn, the Major's got a lot of willpower too," Coughlin said admiringly. "I wasn’t able to get the upper hand with that creature."

John looked away, feeling his cheeks heating as he remembered that Evan had only regained his lucidity because John had kissed him.

"What’s happening here?" Rodney asked as he entered the infirmary and joined his teammates.

"We're awaiting news of Major Lorne," Teyla explained.

"Lorne?" Rodney asked, confused. "I thought he was dead?" He looked at John questioningly. "You didn't kill him?"

John grimaced. Thanks to Rodney for thrusting the knife into the wound without any delicacy.

"He's in surgery," Coughlin explained.

"Well," Rodney said, nodding. “Keller is good. He’ll be fine.” He paused and added, "And good news! We aren’t all going to die charred, electrocuted or in an explosion. I’ve managed to regain control of the system and we were able to stabilize and reset all levels to their initial value.”

"Good job, buddy," John congratulated him.

"Yeah," Rodney said with a grimace. “Given that we messed it up ourselves, I wouldn't call it a good job. I'd be curious to understand how Lorne did that. It was really very ingenious. If he hadn't told us it was a decoy, we probably would’ve destroyed Atlantis by ourselves."

"Major Lorne did a lot of damage in a few hours," Coughlin said. "Remind me to never have him on my bad side."

"Lorne can be really effective and dangerous when he wants to be," John confirmed.

The whole small group nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, the infirmary fell silent. John turned his head to see what was happening. He then noticed Jennifer.

John's heart began to race, fear beginning to seep into every little space in his body. Then his breath caught as he waited for Jennifer's words.

"I can't tell you much right now," Jennifer said out loud so everyone present could hear her. “The operation went well, but he lost a lot of blood and his heart stopped working several times. The next few hours will be decisive. You have also to consider that his brain was deprived of oxygen for a long time before we were able to revive him the first time. It's possible that even if he survives, he won't be the same.”

While a few hours earlier John had been slightly reassured by Marie, Jennifer's speech frightened him. Unable to contain his emotions, John felt tears of fear well up in his eyes. He quickly turned his head towards the wall so that no one would notice.

Evan was still between life and death, and it was all his fault. It was he who had stabbed Evan, who was responsible for stopping his heart, when all John had wanted for the past few years had been to make Evan's heart beat faster and stronger, and for it to be filled with joy and love.

John felt his hands begin to shake with the weight of his emotions overwhelming him. He took deep breaths, again and again, trying to regain control of himself. It took all of his willpower to force his feelings back into the box inside of him. He had to stay strong, he had to be the military commander when he was surrounded by so many people. He couldn't allow everyone to find out how madly in love with Evan he was.

When John was able to breathe properly again, he turned around. He was pleased to see that Ronon had positioned himself right next to him to hide him from the view of the majority of people present in the infirmary. Only his team and Coughlin could see him. When he caught Ronon's gaze, he silently thanked him for his support.

Coughlin’s eyes met John’s and John could see the worry for Evan but also the compassion. When John looked at Teyla, she seemed puzzled. John supposed she was wondering about his reaction and Ronon's behavior. But she said nothing. As for Rodney, he was totally unaware of John’s feelings, and John could see that his attention was completely focused on Coughlin.

Having heard the update on Evan, people started to leave the infirmary. For his part, John remained motionless in his chair, unable to move. He was too upset to be able to stand straight on his feet without shaking.

“Who wants to go eat?” Rodney asked. "With everything that's happened, I'm on the verge of hypoglycemia."

"I'd come with you, Doc," Coughlin answered shyly, "but I'm stuck in this bed until Dr. Keller decides to let me go."

"Oh. Of course," Rodney said, and John could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"Sheppard?" Rodney asked.

“Not me, buddy. I'm not hungry."

"I’d love a cup of tea," Teyla said as she stood up. She gave John one last confused look before leaving with Rodney.

The three men were silent for several minutes as Jennifer approached Coughlin's bed to check up on him.

"Your readings are normal," said Jennifer. "I would like to do a new scan in about twenty minutes to check that the substance hasn’t appeared again. If the exams are good, you’ll be free to leave.”

Jennifer turned to John and raised an eyebrow. "That's a nice haematoma you have there, Colonel. Have any of my doctors examined you?”

"I'm fine," John replied. With all his concern for Evan, he’d completely forgotten that he’d nearly died from suffocation.

"I'll be the judge of that," Jennifer said as she approached John.

After several minutes of testing, Jennifer exclaimed, "I'm surprised you don't have a sore throat. I'm going to give you some painkillers and a spray to apply regularly."

"Thanks," John said. Then, as Jennifer was about to leave, he asked, "Can I see Lorne?" He knew that doctors usually wouldn't allow someone to stay with a patient when this patient had suffered so much trauma. But John needed to see Evan. Afterall, he’d stabbed him. He’d watched him die. He’d seen him dead. He needed to see with his own eyes that Evan's chest was still moving, even though his survival still wasn't guaranteed.

"Colonel, I-"

"Please, I just need…I'm responsible for… he was dead,” John stammered. He knew his emotions were showing. But the need to see Evan now was stronger than his fear of being discovered.

Jennifer looked at him for a moment, then nodded. "Just a few minutes," she said.

"Thanks," John said sincerely.

Legs still slightly shaking, John nevertheless managed to get up. He followed Jennifer to the room where Evan was.

"I'll come back in a few minutes and collect you," Jennifer said before walking away.

John took a deep breath, then entered. Immediately, his heart sank when he saw all the machines connected to Evan. Then he noticed the movement of Evan's chest and the beeping of the heart monitor. At that moment, he couldn't control the whirlwind of emotions rising in him, a mixture of relief, fear, guilt, sadness. Tears started rolling down his cheeks and he couldn't stop them.

John wept for a long time. He tried to contain himself when the door opened behind him, but when the door closed quickly without anyone entering the room, he began to cry uncontrollably again.

When his tears stopped, John moved to the corner of the room and sat there where he would be able to keep his eyes on Evan while being out of the way. He hoped that if he was very unobtrusive, and didn’t disturb the medical staff, maybe Jennifer would allow him to stay there.

John didn't know how long he stayed like that. He’d seen Jennifer come in and out of the room several times, as well as several nurses, but no one had asked him to leave, or told him anything. So he’d just sat there, praying for the man he loved to get better.

Then John thought he saw Evan's finger move. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he hadn't been dreaming. But when the movement repeated, John jumped to his feet and went outside to call Keller.

"Stay out now, Colonel," Jennifer said as she entered the room.

Disappointed but understanding, John stood by the door. His heart was beating fast. Evan was waking up but was he still the same man he had been? Would he have a permanent disability?

As John paced in front of the door, he made a decision. If Evan had been changed by this, if Evan was a shadow of himself, John would leave the Air Force to take care of him. No matter what happened to Evan, John would stay with him. He loved this man more than anything, and he knew that wouldn't change whatever Evan's condition was.

After an eternity, Jennifer finally walked out of the room. John's breath quickened when he saw her tired but relieved expression. “He needs rest. But he got away with it.”

"He’s fine? Totally fine?” John asked, wanting to be sure he understood correctly. "No permanent damage?"

"He seems perfectly himself," Jennifer confirmed.

John felt a wave of relief wash over him and he felt his eyes burning with tears again. Unable to hide his emotions, John stared at the floor for a few moments, taking deep breaths.

“You can come in and see him for a moment. But you have to let him rest. This time you won't be able to stay with him,” Jennifer warned.

John nodded, then entered. Slowly John approached Evan who seemed asleep. He looked at him for a few moments, and John thought he had never seen anything so beautiful. Evan was there, in front of him, alive. An immense joy came over him and he couldn't help smiling.

Evan's head turned to him and John saw that Evan was having trouble opening his eyes. John put his hand on his arm and said quietly, “Sleep, Ev. You need to regain your strength.”

"John?" Evan whispered.

"It's me." A tender smile appeared on Evan's sleepy face, and it sent a wave of warmth straight to John's heart.

John watched Evan sleep for a few minutes more before Jennifer asked him to leave the room. But as he returned to his quarters, he was smiling. His handsome and wonderful Evan was alive. That was all that was important to him.